I am really sick, and yesterday when I opened up my car door I smashed it into the side of my head so I'm pretty sure I have a concussion. As a result, this will be short and stupid-just like kids*.
Danielle: I can't believe tomorrow you will finally own your house. Congratulations, you huge homeowning hor. I will totally be at your place this weekend.
Toren: he's clearly a moron. If he was in front of me right now, I would punch him in the throat and then probably check his pockets for cash because I forgot to hit the ATM on my way home.
To our friends in the south who got their ass beat by lady Katrina (actually can she really call herself a lady? She's more like a giant, raging bitch-hor with PMS.): I promise I won't say anything about how times like these make me think, "This is why I live in Ohio." We are all thinking about you. I am sending money (as everyone should). It's not a lot because I am poor, but you can at least buy a respectable amount of Salt & Vinegar Pringles. Hang in there.
To the guy I followed to work today: I know that sideburns are tricky business, but you spent 23 minutes checking them in your rearview mirror, and I just don't understand how it can possibly take that long to get them in order. I mean just how long are they? Seriously if you need to spend that much time fingercombing them then you need to effing trim them or at least braid that shit. Anything that will get you to stop staring at them in the mirror and STEP ON THE FUCKING GAS PEDAL!
*Mom, I'm kidding. I know you just turned to Dad and said, "I'll never have grandchildren."