Wednesday, November 30, 2005

I'm just going through a little downtime

So the truth is, I'm kind of down right now. First of all, I haven't told you guys this, yet, but I turn 29 in one week. Well I guess officially it's 6 days now. Um...twenty-nine, people. For those of you not good at math that is only 3 years away from 30 (shhh-the bad-at-math people will never know). I have never, ever had a problem with any of my birthdays. Birthdays are fun. But for some reason when I think about this one, a tiny ball of panic crawls up from my stomach into my chest and then up into my throat, and I have trouble swallowing. Well, it's either panic or heartburn. I'm not sure which. This is the last year of my twenties. I am officially freaking out. There were things I was going to have done by age 30. Two key items on the list are not done nor am I even close to completing them. I will let you guys guess which two things I'm talking about. I'll just give you this hint: both involve Kirk Cameron. Or at least they did when I was 11.

I love my life. It's blessed. But sometimes I can't help but wonder if I'll ever finish those other things on my list.

Compounding this feeling is the fact that this weekend marks the one year anniversary of the day B left me. To be honest this is actually having a much more profound effect on me than my birthday is. I never thought I'd get to "the one year anniversary of our breakup" because I thought he would be back by now. That may be pathetic and naive on my part, but I can't help it. That's just how sure I was that we were meant to be together. It's a year later, and I still miss him terribly. That makes me sad.

Sorry to bring everyone down, but you asked. Okay no you didn't. I totally just made that up.

I just want to say something really quick: even though I'm not happy about turning 29, I am excited for my birthday. Everyone's really nice to you on your birthday, and they give you hugs and balloons and stuff. It's awesome. Plus "The Office" will be back with a new episode, and it's about the company Christmas party, and I just know it will be amazing because in one of the previews I saw that Kevin, the big fat guy, has mistletoe hanging from his belt buckle. That's pure gold.

Here's some good news. I have awesome plans this week/weekend which will no doubt counteract the shitty feelings. In fact, my guess is they will surpass the shitty feelings and the net result will be me feeling happy.

1. Suz and AJ are taking me out to dinner tomorrow night since they will be on a cruise during my birthday. Suz actually said, "I know you will probably do something with everyone this weekend, but you deserve many celebrations!" Man, what a bitch. I will kiss Suz and AJ full on the mouth. I don't care if it ruins their marriage.

2. My friends are taking me out Friday. Here's what I know about that night: I will not remember much of it, but the stories will be great. I will probably try to take off the shirt of every one of my male friends. Okay and female friends, I mean who am I kidding here. People will buy me drinks. I will make them dance with me. I might try to get into a fight with Diane's downstairs neighbor. I will make Danielle do the "Oops! I Did It Again" dance. Woody will hide from me. I will find him. Everyone will be awesome. Those are certainties. I'll let you guys know how it goes.

3. Saturday night Part 1: Dane Cook. Saturday Night Live. I think you get the picture.

4. Saturday night Part 2: I have two words for you guys. Two magical words that bring joy to people of all ages all over the world:

Cyndi Lauper

Oh hell yes we are going to see Cyndi Lauper. I was told by Jace not to tell anyone, but guess what, Jace? I will shout it from the rooftops. I'M GOING TO SEE CYNDI LAUPER IN CONCERT, AND THERE IS A DISTINCT POSSIBILITY I WILL GET ARRESTED TRYING TO GET ON STAGE!!!! P.S. MY MALE FRIEND JACE IS GOING TO SEE CYNDI LAUPER WITH LIKE 4 CHICKS! SPREAD IT AROUND!! Words can't describe how excited I am about this concert. I'm going to lose my mind.

I love you, Cyndi! You see my true colors shining through.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Thanksgiving weekend recap

I am still full.

My mom's pumpkin bread makes me want to do cartwheels it is so damn good.

It looks like Santa Claus threw up all over my condo. It's seriously awesome.

Pat Morita dying has hit me hard, and I am not even kidding.

Nick and Jessica breaking up really hasn't hit me that hard.

"Walk the Line" is a good movie. Joaquin Phoenix will win an Oscar. I bet you $20.

Working the day after Thanksgiving is mind-numbingly boring. I talked to 2 people all day, one of whom was 5 years old and obsessed with a doll named Marisol.

Decorating a Christmas tree by yourself is really depressing.

To the Grey's Anatomy writers: I hate what you made Alex do. We are fighting.

Message from the Fat Roll re: Thanksgiving dinner: I am never leaving.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Happy Thanksgiving!

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, tonight I'd like to get completely hammered, accidentally drop a company pager into a toilet and then puke up all my insides for 2 hours. Just like the Pilgrims and the Indians did. This may or may not be a true incident from my past. I'll never tell. (Okay yes I will-it happened a few years ago. Shhh.)

Things I Am Thankful For: 2005 Edition
- My AMAZING family
- My AMAZING friends
- Salt and Vinegar Pringles
- John Christ wine
- People who actually read this
- My awesome condo
- Evy brought in donuts this morning
- Donuts
- Peppermint Hot Chocolate from Starbucks
- Getting to leave at 3pm today
- All our troops
- The city of Cleveland and everyone who lives here and doesn't move to Baltimore
- My most recent haircut and highlight (you kick ass, Cheryl!!)
- "Lost", "Grey's Anatomy" and "The Office" and the hot men on all of them
- They keep paying me at work
- Christmas music
- MAC eyeshadow
- DVR/Tivo
- "Threshold" for not showing a severed head in a close up shot last night--oh wait a minute....
- That I live in this fantastic country that lets me vote and go to school and say whatever I want and wear white after Labor Day without persecution
- All 4 of my grandparents are still alive and I get to spend the holidays with them
- Cruise to Jamaica in January, bitches!!!
- The sh*tload of food I will be enjoying tomorrow and my Mom for cooking it
- That I am, quite literally, the luckiest most blessed person on this entire planet to be surrounded by so many wonderful people every single day who all make me feel special and who all make me laugh and who I love so much that I wish I could get them all in a giant group hug and squeeze them until they get a little uncomfortable.

To the people reading this: you make me feel special. I hope everyone has a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving! And seriously don't bring up the severed head on "Threshold" at dinner because it was really gross and could really put a damper on your holiday.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

I'm sure no one made fun of us

Yesterday John and I had plans to meet Scott at lunch. We went and got our food then sat down at the table next to each other and waited for Scott to come meet us. It took us about a half hour until we realized that Scott was not coming and that we had just eaten lunch-by ourselves at a table for 6-while sitting on the same side of the table.

Thanks for making us look like a couple of douches, Scott.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Holy same day hangover, Batman

At the end of every football season I decide I'm going to stop tailgating for Browns games because I end up feeling sick at night and then being completely unproductive at work on Monday. Then every year when it's time to buy tickets I say, "Hell yeah sign me up, bitches!!! I could not be more in!!!" When will I learn, Internet?

Despite all of that, I did, in fact, learn a couple things today.

1. I am never tailgating with a bottle of wine again.
2. My sister should never be allowed in a loge again. Or around people my dad works with. Or around any people in general.
3. My friend Woody and I are having a baby in January 2008.
4. It is possible to have a headache for 8 hours straight.
5. I don't have a good poker face when looking at someone whose EYE IS BLEEDING.
6. Not everyone thinks I look hot when I dance to "Footloose" in the middle of a parking lot.
7. Sometimes when my mom tells my sister to help herself to a bottle of water, Diane will instead help herself to Jack Daniel's.

Holy crap I feel like I'm going to puke. I'm off to bed. Seacrest out.

P.S. To the people over at Grey's Anatomy: thank you for this.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Back on solid ground

I just want to get a quick letter out of the way:
Dear co-worker,
I'm sorry that on our flight back from NYC I was jittery, hyperventilating, and looking like I was trying to hold your hand. The truth is, I kind of was trying to hold your hand. I am a nervous flyer, and I don't know if you know this but when it's really windy-like it was on Wednesday-and you put something in the air, it tends to blow around a lot. That even holds true for something that weighs like 160,000 pounds. I hope I didn't make you nervous when I turned completely green and grabbed the barf bag. Thanks for being nice to me.

This is by far the most disgusting thing I have ever heard. I mean seriously can you imagine anything worse? I can't stop thinking about it. I might start wearing an ant trap around my neck just in case because I honestly didn't know those little effers were capable of something so horrific.

Read about my Saturday night. Danielle had us over for a grown up dinner party, and it degraded into what you see in the pictures. That is me giving Drew what looks like the Heimlich maneuver. I actually think we were dancing. I don't really think it needs to be said that I am-quite clearly-a talented dancer. I wouldn't try that move at home, folks. Drew and I are professionals. This was one of the best dinner parties I've ever been to. Kick ass time, Mufflet!! Thanks!! And Happy Birthday to all my November biatches.

My comments on Lost (don't read this if you haven't watched Wednesday's episode):
1. Who the FRICK are The Others!? Seriously they are pissing me off. Why are they so creepy!!!!???
2. Ana-Lucia is horrible. I thought that watching what she went through during the first 48 days on the island would make me like her and sympathize with her, but it didn't. I still hate her. I tried to like her-I swear I tried. But she's just too awful. Yes she's tough which is kind of cool. And when she killed Goodwin that was pretty awesome. But she's also a giant raging biatch and a tyrant. My question is-why does anyone listen to her? She just makes all these decisions without asking anyone and then that's it. Everyone's like-oh okay. Bullshit, mama. If I was there I'd be like, "Listen, whore, you're not the boss of me." Then she would probably slit my throat, but at least I wouldn't have gotten my virtual balls cut off in front of everyone like Bernard after he got a signal on the radio, and she turned it off and took it away from him*. Well guess what, bitch, now you killed Shannon and messed with Sayid, and he is going to kill you, and it is going to be awesome. I swear if they make Jack hook up with her, someone's getting a beat down over at ABC.
3. Mr. Eko is amazing and is built like a brick shithouse. If I was there I would never leave his side.
4. I cannot wait until they reunite Bernard and Rose. I am going to cry like a baby.
5. The first couple minutes of last night's episode made me pee my pants.

*Yes, I'm aware that signal was Boone, but they didn't know that. Seriously, Ana-Lucia, the entire front of the plane is missing. You somehow made it to the island. Yet it's completely out of the realm of possibility for you that those people on the radio might actually be people who survived the same plane crash that you yourself survived by making it to the same island that you yourself made it to. WTF! I hate you! Then everyone just believes her. Why?!? Dammit, Bernard, sac up and tell the biatch to EAC**!! Sorry I am very angry about this.

**Eat A Cock

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

I love New York

I seriously do.

This city is fantastic. Last night Sudha took me to a really nice fancy steakhouse and bought me lots of food and wine. It was the best non-date date I've ever been on. Only 17 years until we are married, Sudha!!

Tonight I went to dinner with my co-worker and his brother-in-law and then walked all over midtown taking in the sites and being the biggest most obvious tourist ever. For example, we went into the Marriott Marquis hotel and were absolutely fascinated by the glass elevators. You know because we don't have elevators in Cleveland. Then we went into the Waldorf, and there was a giant (I mean seriously enormous) bouquet of flowers near the front desk, and I heard myself say out loud, "Oh my God they're REAL FLOWERS!!!" Dammit. How uncool can I be.

I didn't see any celebrities on this trip. This ends my 2-trip streak of seeing celebrities while in New York City. On prior trips I have seen some serious A-listers:

- Chick from "Crossroads", "Center Stage" and "Guess Who". This is her. She might have also been in a movie with Nick Cannon. He's in a lot of movies. She was not with Nick Cannon at the time of the sighting.

- Popular chick from "Sixteen Candles". Here she is. Diane and I got really excited to see her, and we almost yelled out to her, but then thought, 'What would we yell? Hey, popular chick from Sixteen Candles who got her hair chopped and made out with Anthony Michael Hall!!!' On second thought, that's totally what we should have done.

- David Hyde Pierce. Niles from "Frasier". Wearing a bright purple suit which I then saw him in later that night on "David Letterman". He is miniature. Seriously very, very small. When I saw him he was walking briskly. I would imagine he was on his way back to the shire.

Monday, November 14, 2005

New York City

I made it to New York and am safe and sound in my hotel room despite the fact that I'm pretty sure I sat next to one of the bad guys from "The Bourne Supremacy" on the plane. All I'll say is that he looked emotionless, highly trained and foreign--French I think. Draw your own conclusions.

Here's a question for you guys. Which is scarier: soaring above the earth constantly at risk of plummeting 15,000 feet to the ground or riding in a New York taxi cab? I think it's a toss up.

On the way to the hotel we had to go under a low overpass, and we saw a moving truck that had apparently miscalculated how tall his truck was and tried to drive under it subsequently ripping off the top couple inches of his roof. He was jammed in there like me in leggings. There were 3 cops assessing the situation, and by "assessing the situation" I mean "laughing their asses off". It was amazing.

My hotel is nice. The bed is king sized which is fantastic, and it's really fluffy though it doesn't have a lot of give. I don't think bouncing on it is really an option. It loses points for that. There are about 1200 pillows which may be overkill. I'll know more later once I take it for a spin.

Things I am going to steal:

I know it's hard to read that sign. It says "Please enjoy me during your stay. I'm here to be snuggled NOT taken away!" I don't know what that means, but I will contemplate its hidden meaning while I stuff this robe into my suitcase.

Things I don't understand:

If you can help me to identify what these objects are and what their purpose is, I will give you $50,000*.

*No I won't.

Even more randomness

In the past 3 weeks I've drunk so much John Christ wine that I think it might actually qualify as being a serious relationship. In that case, here's a picture of my boyfriend:

He makes me giggle.

Every Sunday night, I cry. And not because I have to go to work the next day. Nor is it because the men on "Grey's Anatomy" are so rigoddamndiculously HOT. Okay it's kind of because of that. But mostly it's because I watch "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition". On tonight's episode they built a dream house for a man who is a lobster fisherman. One day he went out on his crappy little boat by himself, and his coat sleeve got caught in the winch (?-I don't know how to spell that). It slowly started pulling in and crushing his arm and was about to drag him under water to die when he did what any normal person would do, HE CUT HIS OWN ARM OFF. He just grabbed a knife and cut his arm off to free himself, and then-since he didn't have a radio-he drove himself back to the dock.

I really have nothing funny to say about that. All that's going through my mind is: Holy Effing Shit, Batman.

I'm heading out to New York City tomorrow for work. I made sure I had free internet access in my hotel room so I can look at porn. I mean so I can blog. About porn.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Just some randomness

Lost: My initial thoughts about last night's episode are Holy Jesus Lord. Seriously. I don't think I breathed the entire episode. I won't give away spoilers, but to the writers: I am mad at you. You know why. Also what's up with no Jack this episode? And next week it looks like the story of the people in the tail section which means no Jack there either. That's 2 weeks plus the last 2 weeks that were repeats which means 4 weeks of no new Jack. That is unacceptable. I expect the episode in 2 weeks to be entirely Jack. With no clothes on. If not you will feel my wrath. P.S. What is up with Walt? He is one freaky little kid. Get him away from me. I'm not convinced this whole thing isn't his fault some how.
Grey's Anatomy: I am obsessed with you. I never thought there would be another show that I would care about as much as "Lost", and then I saw you. I love you.
The Office: You had me at 'hello'.

When I left this morning it was snowing. Um….WTF.

Can we talk about the complete and utter bastardization of all my favorite childhood toys? My Little Pony, Strawberry Shortcake, Care Bears, Cabbage Patch Kids. I mean they brought them all back which only makes them less special. And as if that isn't bad enough, they made them look slightly different. They all look like a creepier version of themselves. It's heartbreaking. I mean, I'm glad the little kids of today get a chance to see how cool they are, but I have a tough time hearing a 4 year old tell me they want a Care Bear for Christmas without rolling my eyes and saying, "Oh, well, I mean it won't be a real Care Bear but whatever." The worst offender has to be the Cabbage Patch Kids. First of all, they look like mini serial killers. I don't know what they did to their faces, but it's bad news. Second of all, my mom waited in lines for hours upon hours and got on waiting lists and spent tons of time and money just trying to get us one of those things, and the other day I saw them in Rite Aid. RITE AID!!!! Hey, Xavier Roberts, why don't you just slap my mom in the face?

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Pumpkin carving party

I finally have pictures from the pumpkin carving party. First let me say that I haven't carved a pumpkin in probably 15 years. My mom, sister and I used to do it. And now I know why we stopped. It is really not as enjoyable as I remember it to be. Taking out the insides of a pumpkin has to be one of the grossest things ever, and I'm ashamed to say that I was a giant baby about it. In my defense, within a couple of minutes I remembered why I let my mom and sister do the disembowling-I am allergic. It makes my hands itch and swell up. Despite all of that, actually having a jack-o-lantern at the end of the whole process was pretty awesome. Plus it was beyond fun to carve pumpkins with my ladies.

This is Meg's pumpkin Leroy. He has some nose issues. Personally, I think it's pretty obvious he has a cocaine habit.

Halloween is Danielle's Christmas. She showed up late and cleaned and carved her pumpkin in roughly 24 seconds then sat back and drank beer while I was still trying to get the top of my pumpkin off. Also she didn't draw her face on first, and she carved it sideways because she is all fancy. What a hor.

As you can see from the picture below, I decided to give myself the award for least creative pumpkin face ever. I'm not sure how I could have gotten more unoriginal. I named him Jack since everything else about him was uncreative.

The only thing that stood out about Jack was that he had some sort of fungus. It really grossed Diane out, and that is why it is awesome.

Jen lovingly referred to her pumpkin as Retardo. It was hard to argue.

Steph decided it would be logical to use a fork to clean out the inside of her pumpkin. Here's how well that turned out:

Despite the spaghetti-like insides, her pumpkin turned out really cute. I don't think she drew her face on either. I'm just glad she didn't carve in a political message like she did last year*.

Carrie's pumpkin was by far the best:

Yes that's the grim reaper on there. She drew a person and a landscape. I drew triangles.

All in all it was a fun time. Especially when I made Diane finish cleaning out my pumpkin. Next year I think I'll get drunk first and then not draw on a pattern and see what happens. I have a feeling it will be awesome.

*This is true. All I'm saying is hers was the first (and only) one that got smashed in the street that year.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Greatest day

I would like to take this opportunity to show you guys the absolute greatest effing thing these eyes have ever seen:

Oh yes-that is the balance, as of this morning, on my MOTHEREFFING CAR LOAN, BITCHES!!!!!! After 5 years of watching my beloved money go towards my beloved car, that beloved car is mine all mine with 5 years left on the warranty. Best. Day. Ever.

I am getting so loaded this weekend.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Twenty Things

I got tagged by Bevis who, I'm pretty sure, has been wanting to tag me for a while. It's a list of Twenty Things you didn't know about me. I always feel weird writing lists like this because I feel kind of narcissistic assuming anyone cares to know 20 things about me, and then I remember that I am a shallow, selfish narcissist so it's okay. If you already know some of these things, I'm sorry. I had a hard time coming up with 20 things about me because the truth is I'm just not all that interesting.

1. If I end up on the highway following a truck or van carrying a ladder on its roof, I will change lanes. I do not need to be impaled by a ladder going 70mph. (It happens.) Instead I let the people behind me get impaled.

2. I used to smoke cigars in college.

3. If Jim from "The Office" was a real person, and I knew him, I'd have already asked him to marry me.

4. I took 10 years of piano lessons, 7 years of clarinet lessons and 4 years of voice lessons. In high school I took gym and health in summer school so that my schedule would allow me to be in both band and chorus. Can you say "music dork"?

5. I am ashamed to admit this, but if you have a Jesus fish on your car, I automatically assume you are a bad driver. I have no idea why. There's no rational explanation for why I think this except that I am a bad person. I'm sorry.

6. I still miss B. A lot.

7. I have a marriage pact with my friend Sudha that if neither of us is married when we are 45, we are going to get married. We actually wrote out a contract. It is awesome. I'm pretty sure with the path we're both on that we will actually have to satisfy this pact.

8. I once made out with a guy on a bus for 11 hours (sorry, Mom and Dad).

9. I once threw up at my cubicle after a night of drinking. I blamed it on receiving a flu shot the day before and IT TOTALLY WORKED!! (sorry, Mom and Dad)

10. I have many pet peeves which include but are not limited to: people that burp in public and then don't say excuse me, women who wear more than just their wedding ring on their left hand, people who go to watch a sporting event and then listen to that same sporting event on their headphones (seriously-why did you even buy the effing ticket??), couples who go to dinner and sit on the same side of the table, and men who don't pay me after sex. I'm sorry if I offend anyone with these. Please don't take it personally. Except for the guys who don't pay me after sex-that's just rude.

11. Cleaning the kitchen absolutely grosses me out, but I have no problem cleaning the bathroom. Someone analyze that behavior and get back to me please because I obviously have problems.

12. I did not win the f*cking lottery last night. Goddammit.

13. If my sister moved far away from me, I would probably die.

14. I start listening to Christmas music in August. I know-you hate me. It's okay. I've come to terms with the fact that this makes me "one of those people".

15.One time after a bad perm (is there any other kind?) I went home and locked myself in the bathroom for 5 hours.

16. If I had to eat spaghetti for every meal for the rest of my life, I would be okay with that.

17. I still laugh every single time someone goes up to a microphone and says "Testes, testes 1, 2...3??????"

18. Nerd alert: sometimes I wish my job involved more math.

19. I used to kiss my Ralph Macchio poster before I went to bed. Now I do it before I leave for work.

20. I love Phil Collins, and anyone who says they don't is a goddamn liar.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Trick or treat smell my feet

I have no kids in my neighborhood so last night Diane and I went to Danielle's new house to hand out candy with razor blades in it. Just kidding-only Danielle handed that stuff out. Oh Sharda was there, too, but it doesn't count because she didn't show up until like 7:40. Diane yelled at me because I told some junior high kid who was wearing just a regular outfit that he needed to make an effort. She was like, "Don't yell at the kids!" Then like 20 minutes later I said I was going to start doubling up on the candy and give each kid more, and she said no. So who's the bigger Halloween scrooge? Obviously Diane. If I had had an egg, I would've egged her myself.

One of the older girls came up, and Diane saw she had Cheetohs in her bag. Diane was like, "Whoa-are those Cheetohs?" And the girl rolled her eyes and said all annoyed, "Yes-someone's giving out that kind of stuff." Hell yeah, girlie-I'd be pissed, too. Candy. It's all about the candy, people. Why is this so hard for you to understand? KIDS WANT CANDY! There's a lady that Diane works with who was handing out animal crackers. That's an awesome idea-when you are 3. You hit about 7 years old and animal crackers aren't going to cut it (unless they are frosted). I mean yes they're a step above raisins and pennies, but seriously-get with the program. She told Diane, "It's the mom in me." Hey guess what, lady, my mom's a mom, too, and she hands out Snickers and Milky Ways because she's cool.

We only got like 30-35 kids because Danielle's in a new neighborhood and has a whole bunch of empty lots next to her. Plus the jackholes across the street had their lights off even though they were inside and had pumpkins all over their porch. I almost went over there and smashed a pumpkin in their driveway. Then I remembered I was 28. Seriously, though, don't fake liking Halloween with all the pumpkins and fall decorations and then not hand out candy. You suck. At any rate, it was really fun especially at the end when we realized we had enough candy for 100 more kids, and there was only 5 minutes left in trick or treat. I'm just saying the kids that came last will never, ever egg Danielle's house after the amount of candy we gave them. I mean, they will all probably suffer from child obesity and cavities, but once the candy is in the pillowcase it's out of our hands.

Hope everyone had a Happy Halloween!

P.S. To the bleeding mask kid: ew.