PIB 2006

So this weekend was Put in Bay, and as usual it was insane. Friday night Steph won the "first to hook up" award by making out with a random drunk guy for like 2-3 hours while we were all sitting next to her. She even beat out our resident man-whore, Tony. However, Tony bounced back later on when he won the "first to show us his junk" category. Honestly he owns that category and always will.

Gordo also made out with someone that night: your mom. Apparently he met a, um, somewhat more mature lady and spent some time with her. She was only like 20 years older than him. I didn't see her, but Kim did, and she said she was pretty. But definitely in her mid-40's. I don't write this to offend any mid-40 ladies out there-obviously you are all hot chicas. And actually to the lady who Gordo made out with, way to go on making out with a 20-something guy. To Gordo, you totally made out with a cougar (please see the last definition listed).

Jokes ensued appropriately. For example,

Gordo (after taking some serious ribbing): Why'd I even come over here to this cabin?
Me: I don't know cuz the women are older over here?

That's how it went. Non-stop. And it will never ever stop.

Saturday we went to the winery on the island which is always my favorite part of the Put in Bay experience. While we were there, some drunk lady thought that Sharda looked like Elvis Presley's daughter so we all kind of just went with it. Sharda even did the lip sneer thingie to perfection. Maybe she is Elvis' daughter? The lady kept coming up and asking her questions like, "Are you rich?" (Sharda: "I don't like to talk about my money.") She even went so far as to say, after the lady walked away, "Gosh I thought we could get through the day without people recognizing me. I just want to live a normal life." Then the drunk lady asked her to sign her stomach. So she did:















This might've been the greatest moment of my life. Ten minutes after this happened, our friends Brian and Anita showed up at the winery, and immediately the lady asked Brian to sign her stomach. And he did without hesitation:















Then completely unprovoked she came over to me and signed my boob, "Kim was here." Why is the winery the happiest place on Earth. Seriously.

After the winery we went to get food, and we kept bugging this poor kid behind the counter. He was from Bulgaria and was there on a student exchange program. He was absolutely adorable, and somehow we got him to kiss Sharda. It was awesome. Diane kept calling him Bulgaria which we decided was rude since he had told us his name so we made her go into a timeout. So she went across the street, sat on someone's golf cart and kept screaming this Browns cheer we made up when we were like 8:

GO BROWNS! GO BROWNS!
MAKE A LOT OF TOUCHDOWNS!
GO TO THE SUPERBOWL AND WIN!

This is why Diane and I aren't cheerleaders.

When we got back to the cabin, Steph had the hiccups. We tried everything to get rid of them without success so she decided she needed to do a headstand. She went into the bedroom to do a headstand. She did it on the bed so she could lean on the wall. A minute later we heard a loud crash and a scream. Nobody ran to do anything. We just laughed. I went in the room a half hour later, and Steph was laying on the ground in the middle of the twin beds covered in my sleeping bag and pillow. She had sort of fallen asleep in the middle of the headstand and fell completely off the bed. So she just reached up, grabbed my sleeping bag and pillow and went to sleep. I'm just saying that’s pretty normal.

Other highlights:
- Loyd jumping out of the cab yelling, "I'm gonna boot!!" and then almost puking in the grass.
- Drew opening the bathroom door and saying, "Hey-I need your opinion. Should I boot or not boot?" Us answering, "Boot-you'll feel better in the morning." Him saying, "Yeah let's do this." And closing the door. Then 5 minutes later coming out and saying, "I couldn't do it. Where's my Italian sausage sandwich?"
- Carrie and I making a bet that she wouldn't stay up Saturday night past 10pm. I said she wouldn't make it. She said she would. She fell asleep at 8:50pm. I am awesome.

There are so many things I'm missing. Other PIB-ers, help fill in the blanks please! I will leave you with this. We saw this guy sleeping under a tree so Drew just went over there and laid down next to him:

Just because something only lasts 14 seconds doesn't mean it wasn't spectacular

I owe you a post because according to Sharda I've been slacking, but we went to Put in Bay this weekend and I think I am still hungover. It was ridiculously fun, and I have some good stories. Here's a preview: Gordo totally made out with an old lady. More on that later.

I wasn't going to watch the Emmy's last night, but then I found out Conan was hosting, and holy effing crapola, people, I was not disappointed. I'm sorry but that guy is the smartest and funniest guy working on television today (Jon Stewart is right behind him). He's an effing genius, and I would give my right arm if I could just get some effing tickets to his show so he could see me across the room, realize we are soulmates and have a bunch of babies with me.

If there is anyone out there who is disagreeing with me, you obviously didn't see a) the show's intro, b) him locking Bob Newhart in an airtight container and saying if the show ran long Newhart would die or c) him introducing the accountants from Ernst & Young. Holy Christ. I have never laughed so hard.

Conan, I love you. No seriously-I am in love with you. I will not stop until I have you. Oh yes-you will be mine. Or Bob Newhart will die.

Funky Buddha

Reasons why the cabbie who drove Drew, Diane and I downtown 2 weeks ago was awesome:

• 300 pound white guy with an afro
• Wrap around sunglasses
• Use to be a cabbie in LA
• Owns 300 acres in Virginia
• The 300 acres are basically just a giant natural gas field
• He's making tens of thousands of dollars off this natural gas
• His name is Buddha
• Loves Ohio State, but he hates the parking there
• Listening to him rant about OSU parking was amazing
• Told us a story that he witnessed first-hand about a guy who was tailgating a semi: the semi's tire blew out, the rubber from the tire flew back at 60mph, went through the guy's windshield and cut him in half.
• Story above was told as a warning to us to never tailgate a semi
• Story above worked. Semi now on the list of "Vehicles to not follow on the highway" along with cars carrying ladders and those trucks that haul new cars
• Story above almost made me puke.
• Pagan minister
• Arrested in San Francisco for performing gay marriage ceremonies
• Seriously his name is Buddha

In short, he is amazing, and I love him. At first I was scared of him. Then I realized he was the most interesting person I've ever talked to. Then I had nightmares for a week about getting cut in half by a flying tire. But still-I heart Buddha.

My weekend rainbow connection

Friday I had people over. Until the wee hours of the morning all we did was drink wine, eat and listen to 80's and 90's music. Oh and I made everyone listen to "Sexy Love" by Ne-Yo. It was one of those nights where you look back and say, "What the hell did we just do for 6 hours? And how come it was awesome?" Things almost came to blows when Jen and I started arguing about the merits of Taylor Dayne. Whereas I say she sucks, Jen says she doesn't. Apparently "Love Will Lead You Back" played an important role in a relationship Jen had in 6th grade or something. Also I sacrificed my body in order to provide my friends with beer bread. I was performing the dangerous task of removing the bread from the pan and putting it on the cooling rack while wearing Ove Gloves. Then this happened:


















This is how good of a friend I am. When it happened, I believe Kim's exact quote, said through laughter, was, "Oh my God-you can't even take bread out of a pan. I mean that's all you had to do!" Then Diane told me I need a full body Ove Glove. I hate you guys.

Saturday I woke up to the sound of water leaking into my downstairs bathroom. What a lovely sight when I walked in there and saw that my walls were warped, and my ceiling was wet. I love when the air conditioner that I already had fixed 3 times still isn't fixed. I remained perfectly calm and kept my poise as I completely lost my fucking mind and almost started crying.

Saturday night we had birthday parties to go to. One had a chocolate fountain. I want to go on record saying that if I never marry or have children, but am able to have a chocolate fountain running at my house at all times, I think I would be okay with that. For Matt's birthday we went to Bier Markt in Ohio City where Loyd, Christy, Woody and I discussed the finer points of breast implants. After Bier Markt we went to Garage bar down the street which is a biker bar. There we watched a dirty, dirty slut try make out with random guys then try to make out with her friend who was a girl (this was the boys' favorite part) then get into a fight with a wedding party and then get kicked out. The most shocking part? It wasn't Steph. Perhaps the highlight of our time there was Matt's soaring rendition of "The Rainbow Connection" in the middle of a bar filled with bikers. Around the second verse he couldn't remember the words so he just started singing, "Something with a frog singing in a swamp!" Oh did I mention Matt was completely trashed?

On Sunday Matt and I went to the Palace Theater at Playhouse Square downtown and watched "The Muppet Movie". No I'm not kidding. When we walked in we realized we were the only adults there who didn't have kids. When we bought our tickets, we're pretty sure the ticket lady was looking around for our missing children, and we were just kind of like, "No it's just us-the dirty perverts." Matt bought a beer even though the thought of drinking it made him sick. He just wanted to say he drank a beer at "The Muppet Movie". I wish he was able to say, "I drank a beer and puked all over the kid in front of me at 'The Muppet Movie'", but that was not meant to be. We had so much fun, and I'm pretty sure we laughed harder than any other person (or child) in the theater. Seriously, Matty, thanks for inviting me and going with me, and consider me in for any and all future Muppet-related activities. P.S. Happy Birthday!

Letters for August 18th

Dear Amy,
Thanks for inviting us to your shower. I had a great time. Your fiance is very nice, and I give you my blessing. The wedding may now proceed. I know it seems like you were going ahead with plans anyway, but secretly I know you were ready to hold up the wedding if you didn't get my okay. I can't wait to see you in September when you are getting married. Holy cripes I'm old. P.S. I would like to give a shout out to the ladies of Oak Hill.

Dear Sharda,
I hope you had a great birthday party on Friday, and that your actual birthday on Saturday was awesome. I'm just saying that on Friday you were pretty sober and definitely did not yell at people who said your sister had bigger boobs than you. Nor did you ask our permission to go home. "Is it okay for me to leave now?" Awesome. Enjoy this next year of being closer to 30 than you ever have.

Dear Meg,
Sorry that on Friday night I put on your bathrobe and a sombrero and was playing bongos at your house. Looking back I can't help but think just how inappropriate it was for me to have your bathrobe on. Also I think I may have been playing with your 9 iron. Look all I know is you have a lot of props in your house, and I took advantage of that. And I am sorry.

Dear Justin Timberlake,
Should you, a former member of 'NSync and the Mickey Mouse Club, really be making fun of American Idol contestants? P.S. "SexyBack" sucks.

Dear Haley Joel Osment,
Holy shit!! Look I know how much you want to be a part of the Coreys, but the simple truth is your name isn't Corey. So no matter how much you drink or how many drugs you take, you will never be one of them. I'm sorry.

Dear Guy Who Says He Killed JonBenet Ramsey,
I can't tell if you actually did it or if you are just totally looney tunes and are claiming you did, but either way you look like someone who likes to do bad things to children and no doubt should be locked up at all times. I have never seen someone creepier. I mean like ever. Also I like how you say you "accidentally" strangled her. Like hey I "accidentally" stabbed that guy 74 times or I "accidentally" held that lady's head under water for like 45 minutes. Seriously dude. Oh my God I just looked at your picture again. It's like your eyes are following me. I am so creeped out.

Hair hijacking thwarted, one dead

The alert level is being raised to Orange today as an "object of interest" was found on or near my person this morning. That "object of interest"? A grey hair.

Details remain sketchy at this time, however, we do know that the grey hair was immediately plucked using standard issue tweezers and anger. Authorities are not saying for sure how it got there, but early speculation points to the root. The root has been taken in for questioning.

The alert system was first implemented after a grey hair was spotted on the premises back in January of 1999-appearing after my boyfriend cheated on me, dumped me and then one of my best friends was diagnosed with (fake) cancer, all within a 2 month period. It is believed the new grey hair's motive for appearing might be age-related.

We can expect that this is the first of many assaults to come as I approach my 30's. As a result security measures are being stepped up, and an appointment was immediately made to get my hair highlighted.

Also grey hair will no longer be allowed in the passenger cabin on all domestic and international flights. You can check grey hair with your luggage, or shave your head with a dull razor before entering security.

Reported by Okay "I'm gonna wash that grey right out of my hair" Seriously

This is ridiculous

I told you a while back that while cleaning out my sister's attic, I found several boxes that were actually mine. This weekend I finally had time to go through them. I quickly realized that these were boxes of stuff that I had packed up when I moved out of my parents' house-in 2000. When I packed I remember I just threw everything I owned in boxes and figured I'd deal with it at my new apartment. Apparently "dealing with it" meant "leaving it in the attic for 6 years".

Looking at all of this stuff now, I'm really not sure how I lived without these essentials for so long. I mean the first thing I came across was my bouncy ball collection. (Oh, by the way essentials = food, shelter, clothing and bouncy balls.)













I have this weird obsession with bouncy balls. Pictured above is only about a quarter of my collection. Why do I keep these? I really don't know. I guess I just really like balls. Oh my gosh you guys are sick.

Also if I'm ever in Canada I can totally buy, like, a piece of gum or something:








Here's a game I used to never play:











Why did I keep this if I never played it? I'm thinking because it had bouncy balls.

This game is one of those that makes you feel like a total dumbass-you know like Simon and Alex Trebek:











Above you can see where I peeled off all the blue stickers and stuck them back all on one side. I don't call this cheating. I call it thinking outside the box.

Um...














I had this poster up in my room all through high school until I moved out at age 23. Seriously. I had a weird obsession with "Seaquest DSV", and I loved Jonathan Brandis. I really want to make fun of this, but Jonathan Brandis killed himself 3 years ago, and I feel kind of bad because that is actually incredibly sad. I have a feeling if he was still alive, I would still be into him because he was beginning to age rather nicely. But seriously...














I am going to hell.

Perhaps the greatest find was this:










My jelly bracelets. Please note the ones that are filled with glitter. I don't know if you guys remember those, but they were filled with glitter and goo, and the goo always leaked out so you had to tape the bracelet shut so it would stop leaking. Man I loved those things.

Just like everything that I loved about my youth, the manufacturers and kids have completely butchered their innocence, and I guess nowadays the different colored bracelets mean different things-sexually. Like yellow means hugging, blue means oral, black means "all the way", etc. I mean it gets really nasty-too nasty even for this blog. I thought the funniest one was for "outdoor sex". What? Not to sound like a total square, but I am horrified that kids today are wearing these bracelets for that reason. I wore them because they were pretty and fun. Whatever happened to having an innocent childhood? I guess going by today's standards, looking at what I'm wearing in the picture above, I am a total giant disgusting whore-slut who will do anything with anyone at any time-indoor or outdoor.

I don't know if they still sell these with the new sex bracelets or not:

























That's a jelly ring on the top. One time at softball I was chewing on one and swallowed it. In fact, that's it right there. I kept it after it passed through my system. Just kidding-it was my hot pink one. I remember because I was really sad when it happened because it was my favorite. You can't tell from the picture above, but that ring is cutting off my circulation, and it took me a good 10 minutes to get it off my finger. Incidentally if/when I get married, I want a jelly ring as a wedding band. How awesome would that be.

On the bottom are my boobs. I mean jelly necklaces. Actually I had much racier (and more awesome) pictures of my cleavage that I was going to put up here for you, but my dad reads this, and he probably already spends most nights crying himself to sleep after doing so, so I decided to spare him.

Hey check it out I'm Joey Lawrence:










I'm just saying he never wore his jelly bracelets like this on "Blossom".

Other finds include my recorder from 4th grade, a poem from my high school boyfriend, junior high and high school pictures of people I don't remember, a kazoo and a jar of approximately 7 million pennies.

What the hell is wrong with me.

The weekend I killed my liver: Part Two

So an hour and a half after I got home from Sherbs' wedding, I had to be at Steph's house ready to get my drink on. Again. On the drive there I just kept thinking, "What the hell am I doing. I am too old for this, and this is so unhealthy. Everything about this is so wrong." Then we got to the party, and I was like, "Why the hell haven't I ever been to this before. I am young and healthy. Everything about this is so right."

The party is called Krusty's Summer Sauce Camp. You pay $40 and from noon to 8pm you go to Whiskey Island Marina, get all you can eat food, all you can drink beer, Bacard Breezers for $1, listen to live music and hang out with freaking awesome people. And all the proceeds go to charity. I really wasn't sure what to expect, but when we got there and saw all the drunk (pretty) people, and we were right by the lake and seriously you could drink and eat anything you wanted, Steph and I were like, "This might be the greatest thing ever."

My mom asked me the next day, "So noon to 8pm. Like what did you do all day?" The truth is I don't remember. We just kind of sat around and hung out and talked to awesome people and drank. There was this awesome game called the bat race where teams of about 10 people compete against each other. It's a relay race and each person chugs a beer, runs down the field to a guy holding a baseball bat, puts his or her forehead on the bat and spins around 10 times then they have to run back. It might have been the funniest thing I have ever seen especially considering they smartly started it later in the afternoon after most people were already drunk, and Gordo and Loyd were in it. They both fell on their asses, and Steph has pictures of it. I almost burst a blood vessel laughing.

Then in the early evening, The Websters played. The Websters are a band out of Cincinnati that are pretty big around Ohio. Mostly because they are hands down the best cover band I have ever heard. This is the original reason we decided to go to the Krusty party. And we were not disappointed. Once they started playing, it was all over. I mean as far as our little group retaining any sense of dignity whatsoever. Awesome music, limitless drinks, Blo-Pops (which they were giving away and which I stole about 20 of), my high school friend and his way drunk brothers-these are all things that make a deadly and hilarious combination. When we first started our insane dancing, we actually drew a crowd. I'm serious. People were standing around the perimeter watching us. Then slowly they started to join in because come in-there is nothing more fun than drunk dancing.

I remember around 4:30 or so I was like, "Hey-I'm not even that drunk. This is cool. I'll just chill out all day and then I can go home relatively sober." That lasted for about a half hour. Honestly I didn't think I was that bad until a) I saw everyone the next day and they were like, "Oh man you were awesome yesterday. Everytime I saw you, you had a new drink. How are you feeling?" which is never a good sign and b) Steph's pictures got sent to me. I had forgotten the picture where I walked around backstage to stand behind the band's roadie who was passed out in one of those plastic tubs and give the thumbs up. I had forgotten the picture of me dancing with one of my friend's drunk brothers. And I had forgotten the picture taken of me drinking in the cab. That's pretty legal, I think.

After 8 hours of drinking in the sun, we were pretty tired so we immediately went to the after party at another bar. At 3pm I had said, "Yeah this is early so I'm just going to go home after the party ends at 8pm." At 8pm I was saying, "Oh my God I NEVER want this to end. Let's go to the after party!" And luckily my lovely cohorts were right there with me. From what I can remember at the bar, Matt bought us a round (thanks, Matt) then made fun of me for drinking an amaretto sour in two sips, Steph made every guy who passed by us shake his butt, Christy got hit on by a kid with a backpack (though he was super cute and totally played along with our lame jokes i.e., "So do you have class after this"?), and Meg got hit on by a guy who, when trying to convince me of his good intentions, said, "I'm a really nice person. I go to church. I mean I also sell drugs and steal from the elderly, but that's cool, right?" Yeah. I loved that guy.

Next year all of you-near and far-are coming to this. And we will take more pictures with people passed out in giant plastic tubs.

We interrupt your regularly scheduled programming...

I need to interrupt the two-parter weekend story to discuss this breaking news...

Is this really an endorsement? It's kind of like when your mom calls the mom of a kid who is bullying you. You know she's just being nice, but really it's just going to cause more problems for you. Like right now Mel's thinking, "Goddammit. Didn't this guy just get drunk and crash a plane a few years ago? This isn't helping, Patrick!" The best part of the article is this line:

"It was unknown what Swayze's endorsement would mean to Gibson's plunging poll numbers, although, in general, ex-Dirty Dancing stars have not been considered vital to the forming of public opinion."

Awesome.

Also, Kevin Arnold had a baby. How. fucking. old. am I. Seriously.

The weekend I killed my liver: Part One

I don't even know how to describe this weekend. Let me just start by saying that I am effing exhausted, and my body is rejecting all of its own organs. This is gonna have to be a two-parter because we packed a whole lot of (spiked) punch into one weekend. Friday was Gerbs and Shannon's wedding. It was amazing. I've never seen them so happy in my life. Gerbs and Shannon, I hope you have an amazing life together, and I hope you have lots of babies and that they are all girls because man that would be funny to watch Gerbs try to deal with all women in the house.

I would say our group as a whole spent 95% of the reception by the bar. We really can't be more than about 5 feet away from alcohol at all times. I met my friend/future husband Jace's parents and tried so hard to make a good impression, but I'm pretty sure I blew it when Jace called his dad a pussy, and I laughed way too hard, Then I suggested that Jace take off his dress shirt, but leave on the tuxedo vest and tie.

After the wedding we went to the bar next to the hotel that looked like a giant outhouse. Steph had found a bouquet as we were leaving the reception hall so naturally she took it, and we did the bouquet toss about 17 times in the parking lot. It was caught 0 times. The number of petals that ended up on the ground was about 700. It was at this point that Steph said, "Wait a minute-this might be the official wedding bouquet." So she called Shannon. And it most certainly was the official wedding bouquet. She thought she could salvage it by filling the sink with water in the hotel room and just dunking it in there. Woody came up with the much more wise idea of putting them in the mini-fridge. Why do you know so much about flower care, Woody? The next morning we had to give it back to Shannon. One side was completely flat, and all the flowers were brown. So Steph handed it to her with the good side facing her. I tried to draw a picture of what the flowers looked like in the morning, but it just kind of looked like cabbage. So I can't draw flowers, but I can draw cabbage.

The outhouse bar is where most of the shenanigans took place. Ice down people's dresses, heads up Steph's dress, Meg passed out on the bar, Steph and I stealing Meg's fries while she was semi-unconscious, Renee telling the DJ exactly what songs to play and if he strayed she told him he better "stop playing this goddamn song right now" and he did, women undressing Woody, Jace coming in in jeans, a t-shirt and a tuxedo jacket, Woody explaining to a couple of guys who got caught trying to crash Shannon's wedding exactly what they needed to do to become better wedding crashers, Tom stealing Kim's camera and taking only pictures of himself for a half hour, dancing-oh the dancing, and some total effing freak of a girl who kept coming into the middle of our circle and doing the splits, lifting up her shirt (seriously) and shoving her ass in everyone's face.

I wish I had video of what I'm talking about so you could all share in the amazingness. There's no way I could ever explain to you how utterly weird it was that she kept jumping in the middle of us and dancing like a stripper. At first everyone was looking at each other like, "Who is this? Is she with us?" Then she did the splits, and we were like, "Okay no. Definitely not with us." We are all way too old and chubby to do the splits. She came over and did this freak dance about 5 times-one time even pushing me out of the way while saying, "Excuse me." I mean she really felt she belonged in that circle. I think she thought we were all just waiting for her to show us how to really dance. And the way you really dance, apparently is to lift up your shirt in front of strangers. The best part is that she was missing teeth, and Paul kept screaming while she was maybe a foot away, "She's missing teeth! Seriously look-she's missing teeth!"

I think my favorite part of the night was when we left the bar and all I wanted to do was pass out in a bed, and we got back to the room and Meg-who had gone to bed an hour and a half earlier-had deadbolted the door. That was fantastic. I can't decide what was more fun-sitting out in the hallway for a half hour, calling the room 7 times, calling Meg's phone 25 million times or Woody running down to the front desk twice. I totally had to yell at some lady who told us to be quiet because we were being so loud. I don't know what she was talking about I mean it was only 2:30am, and we were punching and kicking the door and screaming obscenities. At one point we lost focus on our task because the guy in the room across the hall was having an argument with his girlfriend/wife about how she never wants to have sex with him. So we sat outside his room and listened in, and okay I know it's your own business, girlfriend/wife, but if it's true that you just "lay there like a log", you should really step it up.

When we finally got in the room because of the nice front desk lady, I went in ready to beat some ass thinking both Steph and Meg were in there. But Steph wasn't there. She had left the bar an hour earlier, and now she wasn't in the room. The only logical conclusion was that she was dead. Raped and dead, and it was Meg's fault for locking us out of the room. Woody, Mr. Rational and Good at Flower Care While Under the Influence, knowing Steph, called Jace at the bar and sure enough she was still there. She had never left. Even though she said bye to me. I think that girl might have an alcohol problem. So anyway, we ended up sparing Meg's life, though-truth be told-I have never come that close to committing homicide. The next day she said, "Whoops-at least I'm safety conscious." You shut the hell up, Meg. You shut it. She bought us bottled water, though, so it was all fine after that. Yes it's that easy to get back on my good side-buy me stuff. I'm a total whore.

The next morning Bob and Carrie thought their car was stolen then Bob remembered he moved it in the middle of the night. Then I had to drive an hour and a half home with the worst headache ever. A mere hour and a half after getting home I had to be at Steph's house to go to an all day outdoor all you can drink party. But we will discuss that next time. I feel drunk just thinking about it.

Goodbye, rat race. Hello, golf course.

I think I have mentioned this before, but my dad and I work for the same company. He has been around-literally-for my entire professional career. Most people aren't lucky enough to be able to say that. To those people I say: nana nana boo boo.

This past Monday, July 31st, was my dad's official last day of work at this company. He has retired after 35 years here. THIRTY-FIVE YEARS. Try to conceptualize that. You can't. I haven't even worked at living for 35 years. Try to apply this to your life. For example, if I go by my dad's schedule (and at 57 he's actually retiring pretty young), I have 28 more years of working. 28 years. That is an entire other lifetime for me. In this cubicle. At this computer. Never not having a boss. Makes your soul die a little bit, huh?

For those of you who own your own companies or are close to retiring, I'd just like to say on behalf of the rest of us: we hate you.

To my Dad: you are the most wonderful man I have ever known, and this place will be different without you-for me and for everyone you worked with. You have become successful all on your own merits and with so much hard work, and you have provided an amazing life for your family. I am so proud of you. You deserve this time off in your life. And, as your daughter, I think I do, too, so could you call my boss and tell him I don't want to work anymore? That would be great. Thanks.

I love you, Dad!!!

Holiday Tree 2: A New Beginning

I'm sure you remember that the holiday tree almost died a month ago when we had to throw out the original Christmas tree. But then Aunt Nancy single-handedly saved the tradition by generously giving Steph a tree to take to her new apartment. Steph promised we could still decorate the holiday tree in her house, and she did not disappoint.

Tonight's tree decoration party had the biggest turnout yet (though we missed you dearly, Meg). Sharda even brought her younger sister, Rena, who I'm almost positive thinks we are all extremely uncool. I'll just say that with that line of thinking, Rena, you are about on par with what the rest of the world thinks of us. Also, I hope I spelled your name right.

We decided not to do a specific holiday this time. Since our friends Gerbs and Shannon are getting married on Friday, we did a "wedding season" tree. I have to say that I think this one might be my favorite. Or at least tied with the catch-all tree we did last time. We decorated this tree with extreme reverence for the sacred rite of marriage, and I think you'll agree once you see it.

Here is the finished product:




















Now before we go in for a closer look, I just want to say a couple of things:

1. This isn’t kid-friendly.
2. I'm sorry, Mom and Dad. You haven’t completely failed as parents. I promise.

First an ornament created by tearing out a page in a "Weddings for Idiots" book explaining the proper way to line up at a wedding:



















I'm not sure who made that, but they have helpfully put a red X through the improper one. The other way to tell that it's improper is that it has the midgets standing on both ends when everyone knows midgets are supposed to stand in front.

Meanwhile Sharda and her sister were creating actual decorations like this one:














I don't know if you can tell, but there is actually shading on those bells. Shading.

Here's another classy ornament:




















That is a pregnant bride next to a shotgun, symbolizing a shotgun wedding. Incidentally underneath the pregnant bride it says "Marriage is sacred".

Steph put her law school education to good use with this:




















Though it must be pointed out that she didn't know how to spell "prenuptial". If you can't read that, it says, "Whereas…She gets everything thereby he loses all assets, pride and dignity. Therefore no divorce unless she says." I've never seen an actual prenuptial agreement, but I'm like 94% sure they are written on construction paper. Plus this says "whereas" and "thereby" so it must be a legal document. Airtight, Steph. I'll be sending a copy of this to your old law professors to show them how far you've come since graduating. I'll include a picture of your cleavage so they remember who you are.

Diane was completely knocked out of her post as resident penis maker after Carrie provided this:















The level of detail on this is at once hilarious and sickening. Around the outside rings it says "What is love without sex." I'm sure your husband is touched by this memorial, Carrie.

Diane did manage to get one of her JV penises on the tree-appropriately next to the champagne glasses which is where I keep mine:












I have to verify this information, but it's possible that is the only thing Diane contributed to this tree.

Here is a picture of the actual stripper that came to Jen's bachelorette party:














I seriously can't believe that is hanging from the tree. Here's a blown up condom Steph found in her car:

















It wasn't blown up at the time that she found it which means we actually got to watch her blow it up. It was fantastic. I love that it's on the tree, but don't people get married so they can stop using condoms? Well, married or pregnant? I do.

Here's Parker peeking out at us coyly from behind the tree:




















He wants you to call him. Here's the bottom of the tree:














You will notice there are 8 empty bottles of wine. Those just happened to be laying around at Steph's apartment, and incidentally that is only 60% of her collection. I already have a call in to Mel Gibson's people for a recommendation on where to send her to rehab. Sharda brought that confetti over and started spreading it all over the floor. I gotta say…Steph = not too happy about the confetti on her floor. Which makes it that much more awesome.

And the underwear. What to say about the underwear. I thought about not implicating the owner of the slutty thong. Okay that's a lie. I was just trying to pretend to be a good friend. It's totally Steph's. Obviously.

In the middle of the inflatable doll, alcohol bottles and slutty underwear, Sharda made those pretty presents with bows. That had shading. Poor Sharda. Always trying to class up the group with no success whatsoever.

All in all I believe this is some of our best work yet. Driving home I thought, "I honestly can't believe this is how we spend our time." Did I mention that I love my friends?

What are you looking at, sugar tits?

Current ailment: pink eye
Current Crazy Church Sign Saying by my house: Free trip to heaven! Details inside.
Current least surprising news story: Lance Bass is gay
Number of people who've come to this blog by searching for pictures of Lance Bass because of this post: way too many
Most awesome news story out there: Mel Gibson's complete and utter breakdown

It's true I have pink eye again. For those of you keeping track that's twice in 6 months. Three year olds don't get it with this kind of frequency. WTF.

Lance Bass, listen, honey, I know it was probably hard to say the words "I'm gay" to the whole world, but it wasn't that hard for us to say, "Yeah we know." It's kinda like when Danny Pintauro came out (little kid from "Who's the Boss"). He was all like, "I can't hide it anymore." And we were all, "Oh my God that was hiding it?? Yikes."

And the Mel Gibson thing. I knew a mental breakdown wouldn't be far behind after he decided he was Jesus a couple years ago. I guess he's going to rehab now. My question is rehab for alcoholism or rehab for bigotry? Either way-good times are ahead when he relapses again.

Besides pink eye, I'm suffering from another illness commonly referred to in the medical world as a "hangover". Last night Carly was in town so she, John, Danielle and I went to a nice restaurant and classed it up by getting completely smashed and yelling about oralling and pre-lubing. I feel bad for the people sitting around us, and I feel bad for the two co-workers we roped into going with us. Mostly because they were sober. I also kind of feel bad that we stopped by John's friend Keith's house unannounced at 9:30 while he was trying to relax with some TV and his fiancee. Sorry, Keith.

So now I have a headache, but it is so worth it. I saw Carly this morning, and she was like, "Do I look as bad as I feel?" Then John wrote me and said, "I'm gonna lie to you. I feel good." All signs of a great night.

Carly, you effing rule. You have to come back soon.

Danielle, you're a giant hor. When are we drinking vodka again?

John, I have no idea how you get away with saying the most offensive things to women without getting slapped, but you do and it's effing awesome.

Tonight: tree decorating party. Bring it.