Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Phoning it in: I edit the current Most Popular, Cleveland and Entertainment headlines on Yahoo! News

Pollutants change 'he' frogs into 'she' frogs and 'he' downtown Cleveland Taco Bell employee into 'she' downtown Cleveland Taco Bell employee

Sorority Members Say They Were Evicted Because Of Weight, Race, all night cocaine-fueled orgies

Want to stop disease from spreading? Open a window...and jump

Asian, European markets drop for 2nd day, hatred for U.S. not affected

Holocaust survivors meet their Polish saviors, make things awkward with "How many Polack's does it take to screw in a light bulb?" icebreaker joke

Dish washing tips; In related news journalist kills self after writing most pointless news article ever

College president is lunch speaker and lunch entree

Gore's mansion an energy drain, conservative says while laughing and pointing

U.S.-led strike forces seize Shiite death squad suspects, still no progress seizing the Monster Squad

Jackson 'evaluating' Las Vegas offers, babysitting offers

LA police probe: Did Blunt foot-and-run? Okay Seriously probe: Can Blunt's voice only be heard by dogs?

Campbell regrets hitting maid with phone but mostly just regrets getting caught

Playmate burial dispute back in court, swift resolution hoped for because "she's starting to smell"

Liz Taylor celebrates her 75th birthday, world says, "She's only 75?"

Tuesday, February 27, 2007

This post is dedicated to JV-even though he doesn't watch Grey's or care about it in any way.

Okay I know everyone is wondering where I have been. Oh you haven't noticed at all? That's cool. Seriously you guys we have much to discuss. Let's begin with entertainment.

Grey's Anatomy
I thought Thursday's episode was great-really interesting. It's hard when a show does a "fantasy" segment like that. Clearly the way the show was written we're to believe that is what happened. That is what brought Meredith back. However, I think you take a risk with writing a show like that because you might lose viewers. I personally thought it was awesome.

Watching Denny in action only made me more annoyed at his storyline last season. He is so awesome-funny, charming, handsome-but they made his storyline so over the top that I actually wanted him gone. That makes me mad because I really do like him a lot. Damn you, writers.

It was interesting how Meredith said she fought and fought and just for a second, let go. I sometimes wonder if everyone has ever thought even for a split second and even though you don't really mean it: "What's the point?" Then Denny proceeded to tell her the point-how her death would effect every single person in her life. How they would all be changed. Sometimes you forget how much impact your life has on the lives of others. I thought it was a really powerful message.

When her mom got sick, I immediately saw where they were going. I knew she'd be the one to die and would be the reason Meredith came back. But even though I knew it, it didn't make that scene any less emotional. At least for me. I was crying like a baby. I was also crying like a baby when Christina came back to the hospital, walked into the room and squeezed Meredith's feet. When Burke told her that if her friend died and she wasn't there she would never come back from it, I was praying she'd come to her senses. And thank goodness she did. Then I was laughing through tears when as soon as Meredith opened her eyes she yelled out, "I'm marrying Burke!"

The chief's emotion at trying to save Ellis's daughter was also tear-worthy. And Bailey just amazes me every episode. She makes me cry then she makes me laugh ("Do not do this. Do not do this after we spent all. this. time. trying to bring you back. I won't have it, Grey.") then cry and then laugh again. I love how before the ferryboat accident she doesn't think she's ready for chief, and now she's like, "Let's do this." Awesome!

Um...Izzie is an effing whore-bitch. What the hell is her problem!? Guess what, Izzie? Callie's right-if you keep this up, you will just be someone George used to know. When it's friends vs. spouses/girlfriends/boyfriends, friends ALWAYS lose. If not permanently, at least temporarily and even then things will never be the same. So here's the deal: shut your effing mouth. It's none of your business. If you care about your friend at all you'll be supportive. Bravo, George, for walking away. Good for you. And good for Callie for finally telling her off.

Poor Addison having to comfort her ex-husband about his new girlfriend. Ouch. But what about the twist with McSteamy? When she told him he couldn't have sex for 60 days, his face was priceless. It's like she was asking him to stop breathing. I hope he does it. I think we all know he won't, though. He's a total man-whore. I wish I could be a part of ruining his 60 day streak.

All in all I thought it was a lovely episode, and I cried all over the place. However, enough of the Meredith-in-peril storylines okay Grey's writers? I'm done with that now. Let's go back to me laughing and all the Seattle Grace employees having sex with each other. Just for a little while at least. Thanks.

The Oscars
I just have a few things to say:
- Was that choir who sang the sound effects for real? Because that was freaking amazing.
- The fact that Leonardo DiCaprio was not even nominated for "The Departed" makes me want to seek out each member of "the Academy" and punch them in the jaw, but I feel a little bit better knowing that Martin Scorcese won and that the movie won best picture. Still-I'm angry.
- I almost pissed myself when Ellen was vacuuming the front row and making celebrities lift their feet.
- The Will Ferrell/Jack Black/John C. Reilly song was so effing funny I rewound it about 17 times. "Leonardo Dicaprio, you think you can date supermodels AND win awards?? I will elbow you in the larynx!" "Mark Wahlberg! I'm not going to mess with you. You're kind of a badass. Once again, I hope we're cool. I think you're very talented." Also Jack Black telling Peter O'Toole he would beat him down with his Nickelodeon award might have been one of the funniest things I've ever heard.

Thursday, February 22, 2007

I miss you, Locke and Sayid

Last night we went to see "Music & Lyrics", the new Hugh Grant/Drew Barrymore movie. I thought it was absolutely adorable, and I laughed a lot, but I think I caught a rather sad glimpse of my future. Hugh Grant plays a former 80's pop star. The gigs he performs now are at amusement parks and class reunions. At every concert there are women in the audience going crazy. Women who were fans of him when they were teenagers. Women who are currently in their late 30's or early 40's who brought their kids to the amusement park so they could watch the concert while their kids were riding rides. They go absolutely batshit insane when he is singing-as if it is still the 80's. And I looked at Kim and Diane and said, "Hey that's us in like 10 years." And you know what? It will be.

So. Lost. (Disclaimer: spoilers) Okay is anyone else kind of in a highly agitated state after last night's episode? Did I watch an entire episode about getting a tattoo? I'll just say something right here: I DON'T GET IT. Why did we spend so much time on that gdamn tattoo? Just to find out it meant he was special and a leader blah blah. Duh-I already knew that because he is amazing. Let's back up. Last week they said that this episode would answer 3 of the show's biggest mysteries. Even though I knew that was total crap, I still feel gypped. What the hell questions did they answer? The meaning of Jack's tattoos was not one of my biggest questions so if they are counting that, well, that's totally lame.

Diane and Drew said maybe another question was, "Does Kate really love Sawyer." which I think we can all agree is definitely not one of our burning questions about the island, but she totally doesn't love Sawyer so Sarah is beyond ecstatic. I knew it, you guys!! I knew she still loved Jack!! Man they are gonna have cute babies. Well only if freaking Juliet LAYS THE EFF OFF. Seriously hor-step off of him. He only saved you because you saved Kate-his true love.

I guess maybe the third "mystery" was that The Others don't live on that island where they were keeping Jack, Kate and Sawyer? I don't know. That's not a huge surprise since at the beginning of this season they showed them at their houses watching the plane crash ONTO THEIR ISLAND. Dammit Lost. I am a die hard fan, but even I had a hard time with last night's episode. I think part of the problem is that The Others just completely piss me off. First of all don't get me started on that presumed dead stewardess lady who told Jack she was "here to watch". WTF! What is she talking about?? I wanted to punch her. She was like a Stepford wife or something. All robotic and weird. What is going on you guys?? What were they there to watch? Also I have a hard time believing that not one of them would be like, "Okay here's the deal. We live on this lame ass island. Ben's a scientist blah blah blah." How can there be none of them who would just spill it all. Like Carl or Ben's daughter. They hate it there. Just effing tell our Losties what is going on.

Dammit this show frustrates me, but I cannot turn away. It's so amazing. In conclusion, this episode pissed me off to no end, but it gets an A+++ because Jack had sex, and I rewound it approximately infinity times.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007

Reason #147 why no one should be friends with us

The first time we ever met our dear friend Amy's fiance, Diane, Meg and I were at her house waiting for him to come home from work, and we made this:

We spelled out his name in penis balloons. Hi, Eric. Nice to meet you. Here is your name written out in x-rated party supplies. Oh and about the broken balloon-Diane blew it up too big and it popped. There are so many jokes there that it makes my brain hurt.

Unrelated P.S. Dear Nick at Nite, I want to thank you for adding "Growing Pains" to your lineup. It is much appreciated, and I'd be lying if I said I hadn't watched the all night marathons this weekend. I miss that freaking show, and I miss Mike Seaver. Oh and FYI-I learned a lot on that special episode where Mike, Boner and Eddie went to a party where the kids were doing cocaine-especially with Kirk Cameron's heartfelt "don't do drugs" speech to the TV audience at the end. Between that and the episode of "Golden Girls" I watched last week where Rose thinks she might have AIDS, I am really learning a lot from my beloved 80's television shows. Seriously I love you, Mike Seaver. Call me.

Monday, February 19, 2007

Sarah, you're an ahole

Note to self: People who aren't friends with you don't know that when you call someone a hor you are not actually calling them a whore. They might actually find this term offensive. Stop calling people hors who don't know you.

P.S. The party Saturday was for Kevin's 30th birthday-not yours. Therefore it was completely inappropriate for you to eat this entire thing at his party:

However, it was kind of sweet when you were rubbing it on ALoyd's tongue so you could turn his tongue blue. ALoyd is kind of a lollipop slut I think.

Friday, February 16, 2007

I can't stop doing TV recaps

Okay it's time to talk TV, folks. Don't read if you haven't watched!

I thought Wednesday's episode was great. I have no idea what it is, but I am absolutely mesmerized by Desmond. I mean when he's on screen I can't keep my eyes off him. They struck gold when they cast that guy to be on the show. I just think he is so charismatic and his face shows so much emotion. Not to mention he is a pretty, pretty man. I mean he violates two of my rules (long hair and more than 2 buttons unbottoned on his shirt with no shirt underneath), but I am totally fine with that. He's unkempt, and that's part of his appeal. Also he has a power or as Hurley says, "Dude sees the future, man."

I was really happy to be back focusing on some of the originals. I know Desmond is new, but it would be fine with me if he was the focus of every episode. But I missed our Losties-Sayid, Locke, Charlie, Claire and Hurley. Hopefully we'll get some more of Jin and Sun coming up soon.

Now about Desi's shit. HE WENT BACK IN TIME!? Freaking awesome. However, I could've done without creepy jewelry store lady. Yikes-she scared the bejesus out of me. Who is she? How does she know all that stuff? Was she a real person? Could that scene where the scaffolding fell on that guy be any more disturbing?

Penny's dad seemed really sweet. Man what is that guy's problem. Doesn't he realize Desmond is awesome? When Desmond realized he and Penny weren't meant to be together I was heartbroken. It sure does open up a lot of questions about fate and destiny, though, doesn't it. Very interesting. But I'm kind of thinking maybe creepy jewelry store lady meant they weren't supposed to be together yet. Because remember-Penny is looking for him. Maybe her destiny is to be his hero and then they will be together. Man I hope so.

As for the ending, well I pretty much pooped my pants. I did not catch on at all that Desmond was doing all those things to save Charlie and not Claire. I wonder if the point of the show in the end will be that we're all on a predetermined path or that we can change our fate-Charlie not dying would prove the latter. Dammit, Lost. Why do you put me in such turmoil? Also you say you will answer 3 big questions in next week's episode. I'm not getting my hopes up, but I hope you give us something. We deserve it! You know what else you should give us? More Locke! And naked Jack.

The Office
I was again hiding under the blanket tonight-during Michael's speech at Ryan's school. First he came out playing music for himself then he started throwing out candy bars, and I could barely watch it. Oh my God and he was ripping pages from that kids Econ book. "You cannot learn from books!" Classic. He's just this big total douche, and just when you start to think, "How in the world does anyone put up with this guy? He's like a cartoon." he shows up at Pam's art show after racing across town and is so genuine and so sweet. That had to be one of the loveliest moments ever on this show. He was exactly what Pam needed right when she needed him the most. And they even tease you that maybe he's being creepy and ruining the moment when she says, "Do you have something in your pocket?" but it really is a candy bar and he offers half of it to her. Then he takes down one picture in the office to put up Pam's, and it's just so great. Then he says, "This doesn't happen without paper. Unless you take a picture." And you're like, "Idiot." God I love this show.

- Jim convincing Dwight he was turning into a vampire. Priceless. Absolutely priceless.
- Ryan's face during Michael's entire presentation. Pure horror. He received the ultimate punishment, too-having to sit by Kelly.
- "Has anyone ever come back?" "We don't want them back. They're stupid."
- "Animals can't feel pain."
- Ebony tower
- Creed calling Meredith "Mary Beth"
- Best conversation ever:
Dwight: Will you form an alliance-
Creed: Sure
Dwight: -to use sudden violence-
Creed: Okay
Dwight: Do you have the tools to turn a wooden mop handle into a stake?
Creed: What size?

Obviously I spent the whole show bent over in laughter, but there is always at least one moment in every episode where I literally think, 'Oh my God-if I don't pause this right now, I'm going to laugh so hard that part of my lung is going to jump up into my throat and I'll end up choking on it, and my family won't discover my body for 2 days and when they do they'll see that sometimes I eat chocolate chips right out of the bag.' Tonight that moment was when Dwight put the bag over Meredith's head. I couldn't deal with it. I seriously couldn't.

Grey's Anatomy
Okay you guys. I'm not sure what to make of what's happening. Are the writers trying to insult us? Because it kind of feels like that. Here's what I know: if they kill off Meredith, I am done with this show. Because at that point it's not about the story. It's about using shock in place of creativity. And that annoys me. Meredith almost dies every other second. She is not Jack Bauer. She is an intern at a hospital. When they showed the flatline on her monitor, I almost started writing a nasty letter to ABC on the spot. Then when they showed her waking up next to totally hot bomb explosion Friday Night Lights guy and Denny, I started thinking this was how they were going to bring her back to life. There would be no point for them to continue her story after her death.

So in conclusion: If she dies, that ending with the 2 guys was way lame. If she lives, it's pretty effing cool that they brought those guys back. Hey-is that what heaven is like? You wake up surrounded by hot men? Cuz if so, I no longer fear death.

P.S. Alex is becoming human. Caring about people. Like really caring. It's beautiful.

P.P.S. When Sloane grabbed McDreamy's arm in the hallway, I was so happy. I rewound it. More than once.

Oh and P.P.P.S. Why have I seen 2 people literally get their bodies drilled this week? First on 24 and now tonight. Enough is enough with the drills, people. And honestly I could've done without the sound effects. I'm just saying.

30 Rock
Liz overheard one of her employees call her a C-U-Next-Tuesday. When she went over to vent to a couple other coworkers she said, "Do you know what Lutz just called me!? He called me the absolute worst thing you can call a woman." And one of the guys guessed "hatchetface". I have no idea why, but I laughed really, really hard at that.

Thursday, February 15, 2007

VD recap

So another Valentine's Day has come and gone. A bunch of us were going to go out, but we got snowed in so only Gordo and Meg went out. It takes a lot more than a silly blizzard to keep Gordo and Meg from going out. Like death. So this is pretty much how my V-day went:

Talk about romance. Free cookies and wine coolers by myself in my pajamas. Does it get more romantic than that?

Compounding the suckiness of the crappy weather is that my parents are in Florida right now. They left the day before the weather got really bad. I called them on my way home from work on the first day of the big storm, and my dad said, "Well it's 79 here, but there's a cool breeze off the Gulf so it feels only like 72." Better bundle up, Dad! Tonight he called, and I told him about my thrilling Valentine's Day stuck at home, and he said, "Oh. We're at an outside mall in short sleeves. I got a suntan today playing golf." Oh yeah? Well I was almost blinded by sun glare yesterday, and sun glare sounds almost like suntan so eat it, Dad! Even my grandma got the nana-nana-boo-boo treatment when my mom was like, "At night it's getting down to 62 so I have to bring a light sweater with me." My grandma was like, "Oh my gosh I feel so sorry for you. What an inconvenience." I'm just saying it's possible I got my sarcasm from my grandma.

I hope everyone had a nice VD, and that you shared your VD with someone special. You have to decide whether I'm talking about Valentine's Day or venereal disease. Hint: I'm talking about venereal disease.

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

I can't get out of my driveway

Yesterday at work I got a package from a vendor for some work I did. This is what it looked like:

When I opened it, this is what was inside.

Cookies and brownies and goodness from Cheryl & Co. Can you say best vendor gift ever!? Just the smell alone made me want to lick the lid. Sometimes, there's just nothing better than free cookies.

Today is as close to a snow day for me as I will ever get as an adult. I am working from home because of the blizzard outside. There are several reasons why this rules. Here are only a few:

1. I slept in.
2. I'm in my pajamas.
3. I'm laying on my couch.
4. I'm watching Golden Girls-and will continue to watch it all day since it is on at least one channel continuously throughout the day.

Working from home is one of the greatest inventions of all time. It's right up there with Pay at the Pump and Target.

Some lady on the news just said, "The kids are probably getting a little stir crazy with all these snow days!" WTF? Does she not know kids? Snow days are THE greatest invention of all time. She was probably one of those kids who on the first day of school when you could pick your seat in class she ran up and sat in the middle of the front row. And did the summer reading. I hate those people. Them with their successful jobs and fulfilling lives. Dammit.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

I think I use the word "random" in every post title

Saturday night we went to see Jim Gaffigan. This is what John wore:

If it looks like it's falling apart that's because it is. It's an iron-on pattern that he did in like two minutes. This is the greatest t-shirt I have ever seen.

About the show-I don't think I can explain in words how effing hilarious it was. I have never laughed that hard for that long in my life. Within a minute my cheeks hurt, and by the end of the show I felt like I had done a thousand sit-ups. By the way I'm counting that as doing a thousand sit-ups. That man is so unbelievably talented. Do yourself a favor, if you get the chance, GO SEE HIM. John tried to get Gaffigan to come to our pre-party by sending him this. For real. He didn't come. He had another show before ours so I'm sure that's the only reason he didn't show up.

After Gaffigan we went back to Diane and Drew's house, and we played Karaoke Revolution for four hours. Diane was falling asleep by midnight, but did that stop us? No. We kept making her sing. Before Gaffigan John did a rousing rendition of Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You". And after Gaffigan he definitely sang "Don't Know Why" by Norah Jones. And his version of "Take On Me" was amazing. He could barely get the low "take" note, but he sang the high note better than the actual singer of A-Ha. He and I tried singing a couple duets, but he kept singing the girl part. Also his wife has a lower voice than him. Okay I think I'm done emasculating John on the Internet. Well, I mean for today. If Danielle had her choice she would never ever stop singing karaoke. Or sticking her butt in people's faces. And I'm pretty sure Drew actually thinks he is a rock star. He kind of is. Especially when he sings Mr. Mister. You guys seriously should come over and sing karaoke with us. It is awesome.

Sunday I spent the day working on a project for work. Let me tell you something about this project: 1) it sucked ass and 2) it was like a research paper that you would do in college. So I used the same technique I used in college whenever I had to write a research paper and that is to avoid doing it until I absolutely have to-thus the reason I was doing it on a Sunday. It was eerie how similar it was to being in college again. I would work on it for 10 minutes and then say, "Okay I'm just going to watch one show on TV then I'll come back to it." Then I'd work for another 10 minutes and say, "Okay I'm just going to take like a half hour nap and then empty the dishwasher and then work on it again." This went on all day until about 11pm when I realized I hadn't really done anything at all. The only differences between this and college were that I wasn't eating Sour Patch Kids and I wasn't listening to "Every Morning" by Sugar Ray on an endless loop. All I know is if there was ever any doubt in my mind that I made the wrong decision by not going back to grad school, it has now been completely squashed-along with any hope my parents might have had that I would go back. Sorry Mom and Dad, but I learned something Sunday: writing papers makes me want to kill someone. Namely me.

Prescription for an enjoyable drive in to work:

- "Love is on the Way" - Saigon Kick
- "Should've Known Better" - Richard Marx
- "Lesson in Leaving" - Jo Dee Messina
- "Girls Just Want to Have Fun" - Cyndi Lauper
- "Midnight Rider" - Allman Brothers
- "I'm Still Here" - Vertical Horizon
- "Too Little Too Late" - JoJo

For that last one, make sure you sing along and pretend you are her. Trust me-you sound just like her. Also don't stop singing or dancing even when you pull into the parking garage and see people from work that maybe you don't know that well and they give you a look like 'what is wrong with you?'. Don't stop. You are JoJo.

Friday, February 09, 2007

As my mom would say, TGIF

John solves the greeting card dilemma.

You know you are a lazy piece when during a volleyball game you run hard after a ball that's out of bounds to save it and all your friends laugh hysterically and scream incredulously, "Holy crap did Sarah just run?!?" And also when you answer, "Yes she did. And she's tired. Can I sit down?"

So Anna Nicole Smith. I can't say I'm surprised that she is gone. Everything in her life was pretty much leading up to a premature death by a drug overdose. Has there ever been a more pathetic life lived? You kinda just feel bad for her. A troubled woman experiences one tragedy after another-some of them self-inflicted, sure. It's just sad. I'm sad for her poor kids. And I can't decide whether I feel bad for her baby growing up without a mom or hopeful that her baby might end up having a chance at a normal life without her insane-o crazy mom around. Although, they still don't know who her dad is, do they? And both of the possible dads are horrible choices. No forget it-that baby doesn't have a chance. They should do a show like, "My Two Dads", and it will star Dannielynn, and it will be all about how she has two completely effed up dads-one who was crazy enough to date her mom and call her "sweet potato" and another one who is clearly gay and most likely had something to do with her brother's death. And when she needs guidance and wisdom she'll go down to the fountain shop and talk to Dick Butkus.

Television. It's time. Spoilers.

I am so excited "Lost" is back. I liked Wednesday's episode a lot. We definitely needed to learn more about Juliet, and we really did. I was a tad annoyed, though, because man I hate that lady. She is so weak and bitchy and just so...annoying. If Jack and her get together I am going to be pissed. I might even write a letter. Oh yeah. Jack, Jack, Jack. Man did I miss you. You are so freaking pretty. I just want to kiss you all over your scraggly facial hair. Did you notice how he could only fix Ben when Kate was talking to him? And how emotional she got when she was retelling the story he told her the first day on the island? You guys, I am not giving up on this. Kate and Jack. Forever. I have a question that's kind of bothering me. Can someone tell me how the hell Ben has so much power over all The Others? No one can just leave when they want to? And they're all scared of him. WTF? He's one tiny man who, granted, looks like a crazy serial killer, but still. All one of them has to do is jab a scalpel into his jugular, and we're all good. I don't get it. Maybe it has to do with all the mind control stuff. Speaking of which-um mind control stuff!!! That was insane. The story barely moved forward which I admit is a tad frustrating, but they did hit a guy with a bus, and that was pretty cool. Next week appears to be mostly Desmond, and I just want to say Bring It On. I love me some Desmond.

The Office
Oh holy Jesus. I don't even know where to begin. During the toast I actually hid underneath my blanket. I couldn't watch it. It was so excruciating and so damn funny. First off the Altoid thing was genius. I love Jim so much. And Michael saying that Phyllis's wedding day was a bigger day for him than for her. Employer of the Bride. The Pam and Roy thing was hard to get mad at because Roy was being so sweet. And man that beard...he is a hottie. But poor Jim. Dammit. The day they finally get together is going to be the best day ever. Well not better than the day Jim and I get together, but still pretty damn good.

- Phyllis stealing Pam's wedding. "What does P & R stand for?" "Phyllis and Robert." "Yeah or Pam and Roy."
- "Did you break wind?"
- "There are too many people on Earth. We need a new plague."
- I seriously can't believe there was a flag on the wheelchair.
- Creed putting his name on someone else's present
- Toby yelling "Toby! Yeah!" regarding his hot date
- Michael saying the definition of "wedding" only really saying the definition of "welding"
- Easy Rider
- "Do you Phyllis take Bob Vance, Vance Refrigeration to be your lawfully wedded husband."
- "I thought you weren't supposed to wear white to a wedding." "I know. There was an emergency." "I look really good in white." And a tiara apparently. Awesome.
- Jim telling Pam that she looks cute when she dances. If he told me I looked cute doing anything I would faint right on the spot.

I loved last night's episode because sometimes this show forgets that it's a medical drama. I thought it was so interesting and intense and how hot is Alex. They just keep making him more amazing and wonderful every episode. He freaking pulled a cement pole off of a lady! When he was talking to the crushed victim (gew), and then he stopped to talk to Addison before he left the room and she leaned back against the door and sighed as soon as he was gone, I was like, "Amen, sister. A-men."

Poor Chief. Just trying to make a fresh start. When Addison was yelling at the three of them in the elevator and called Sloane a man-whore and Meredith a 12 year old, I almost snorted pop out my nose.

The whole Callie being George's boss at work spells trouble, I'm afraid. What's the big deal if he shows a little bit of affection? I didn't think he was being that bad. I think she's just afraid of what other people will say.

Meredith's drowning and the little girl won't effing talk. I know this is mean, but when Meredith fell in the water and the little girl just stood there staring, I was like, "Holy crap little girl you better stop this little mute game of yours and get your ass moving." She's like 6 and has lost her mom and been through horrible trauma and I am yelling at her. I'm a horrible person. Well, we all know they aren't going to kill off Meredith. But it will make for some interesting drama next week. And Patrick Dempsey looking all scared and heroic and way hot. So I am fine with that.

Also Izzie drills holes into a guy's head. Awesome.

Best "Scrubs" moment:
Turk is asking Dr. Kelso to allow him to take part in a surgery on a fetus even though he's not a neo-natal surgeon. Dr. Kelso resists at first because it's against protocol.

Dr. Kelso: "Lucky for you I am a man in need. Enid asked me to get her tickets to see Al Green for her birthday. I forgot. Now it's sold out. Can you call him for me?"

Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Some things I need to say

To the greeting card industry c/o the humorous card department,
Can you please get your act together and write a card that's actually funny and doesn't make me want to slit my wrists with one of your existing crap cards? If I see another card like this someone's going to get a beatdown:

"Sisters are wonderful people...but enough about me! Happy Valentine's Day!"

Holy crap that card was kind of cute when I bought it the first time 15 years ago. Now it's just annoying. Also I think it might be time to retire this one:

"I wanted to give you money for your birthday...but mall security yanked me out of the fountain before I could get any!"

I got that card for my 12th birthday. TWELFTH! And also I'm not even going to tell you what you can do with the "I hope you like this card...someone farted in the card store so this is the only one I could grab before I had to get out of there!" card. I'll give you a hint: stick it where the sun don't shine (i.e., where one would fart from while in a card store).

Come on, greeting card industry! Let's pull it together!

To Pedigree:
Why are you trying to hurt me with this commercial? This might be the single most heartwrenching commercial I have ever seen, and I am including all Hallmark commercials when I say that. I can't watch it anymore. It sends me into a tailspin of sadness and then I lay awake thinking about all the beautiful dogs who can't find homes, and I hate you Pedigree!!

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Weekend happenings wherein I do not mention that I had to get up at 8:30 on Saturday and work

We had a party for Drew's birthday. You may remember that 2 years ago at the party for Drew's birthday I got really blasted and drunk blogged. I would just like to say that I have really grown up since then, and this time things were way different: I did not blog at 3am after I got blasted. Instead I participated in a dance party in Diane's living room with Paul, Matt and Drew. I guess Diane participated, too, if you count us poking her and me sitting on her hair while she was passed out on the couch still wearing her coat and scarf. I heard the next morning (from my dad?-someone explain that please) that our dance party may actually have been a dance contest which is not fair because had I known that I would have pulled out my signature dance move, The Fake Run*. It's too bad MattB wasn't around for the dance party because he had the moves-at least from what I remember of him dancing on the coffee table to Drew karaoking Whitesnake. Tawny Kitaen has nothing on you, MattB. Also I'm saving the picture I have to show your son when he's old enough. My favorite conversation of the night:

Danielle, to my Dad: I made out with you at your retirement party.
My Dad, looking scared: Really?
Danielle: Yeah you kissed me on the cheek. Right here. [points to cheek]
Drew's Dad: I don't think you know what making out is.

Saturday night we went bowling where Gordo proceeded to kick everyone's ass and correct everyone's math while they were trying to keep score. Oh yeah I did, Gordo. We were in two teams, and I beat everyone on my team both games. That means Woody, Bob and Sharda. Eat it, suckers! I'm just saying it is really sad if you lose to me at bowling because I suck. Not to make you feel bad or anything. Okay no-totally to make you feel bad.

Superbowl party at Jen and Paul's. I surprisingly didn't eat much. Also it's surprising that you actually believe me. Hello-it was a Superbowl party. I ate enough for 7 people. The Colts were awesome and won just as they should have. I love you, Peyton Manning! Whenever I think of football, one of the most manly activities one can participate in, I think of Prince. I mean, is there a manlier artist out there? He really looked masculine in his bandana headwrap. And God help me, but how can I resist a man who's makeup doesn't run while in the rain? In all seriousness, I actually thought he did a great job especially considering he sang live. The only thing that would've made it better is if he sang "Little Red Corvette". Or "Raspberry Beret". Or if he was showing just a tad more chest hair. By the way, I'm 100% convinced that by the look of things, Diane and I could've been his dancers. It's like they were up there just making it up as they went along. The commercials were underwhelming this year, but I just have a couple things to say:

1. Beard comb-over.
2. Robert Goulet

*This dance move is exactly as it sounds. Stand in place, fake run. It's most successfully done to Enrique Iglesias' "Escape".

Friday, February 02, 2007

Recaps of shows I pretend are real

The Office
I don't even know if I can recap The Office. I spent the whole time like, "OMG don't forget to write that down." Then I realized I was saying it every 3 seconds, and it's probably some sort of illegal violation if I write it all out word for word. All I know is when Angela said, "We are absolutely not getting a stripper." and Meredith jumped up and screamed at the top of her lungs, "SHUT UP, ANGELA!!" something inside my brain burst. I had to pause it so I could catch my breath.

- "I had an epiphary."
- "I want to tell my future son what the dealio is."
- Dwight wearing a bra and Michael not being able to get it off.
- The guy who played Benjamin Franklin. Holy crap he was funny.
- David Koechner (Todd Packer) is a genius.
- "Who wants some man meat?"
- Jim and Pam! His face when she said she was ready to be set up with one of Ryan's friends was priceless.
- Dwight saying he doesn't believe Jim that the Ben Franklin guy was the real Ben Franklin
- "You know who turned out to be a real creep? Ben Franklin."

I can't go on. I mean I can, but I won't because I won't be able to stop. Please feel free to continue this in the comments.

Grey's Anatomy
I was one for two. Christina said yes at the end of the episode. Yay! How cute were they when she finally said yes? Could I have been any more wrong about Callie and George, though? HOLY CRAP! I did not see that coming. What do you guys think? Think it's going to last? I totally do not. I loved how he finally stuck up for her last night. It's about freaking time, George! Izzie is a such a bitch. Meredith was very nice and supportive, though. Take note all you Meredith-haters. She was the only nice one!

Speaking of Meredith, can all you Meredith-haters please lay off? Look how effed up her life is! She loses her mom to Alzheimer's, and she finally gets one brief window where they can connect and be together and it's meaningful, and her mother is nothing but absolutely awful to her. Just awful. And she works up the nerve to tell her that she is not going to quit on her because she wants another chance for them to be close, but it's too late. Her mom's already gone again. I could barely watch. It was so heartwrenching.

Um...I want Miranda to be my doctor and call me 'sweetie'. I am so in love with her. I am not even kidding. My mom did a great job with the whole birds and bees talk, but in her absence I would've wanted to hear it from Miranda.

Oh, Addison. Addy, Addy, Addy. I am not even going to judge you because everything you do in your personal life is everything I would do in mine if I was surrounded by those men. How can you not look at Alex and see the delicious cartoon turkey (awesome analogy, by the way)? He is so smoking hot. And then since you can't have him you go and do it with Sloane. Yes, Addy. Yes. Nice work. Can you imagine Sloane being your backup? What?? Is it even legal to have someone that hot be your backup and not your primary? P.S. to the writers: more Alex in a tight sleeveless shirt and/or no shirt.

Also toxic blood? Mah? That is horrendous.

Thursday, February 01, 2007

Insert clever post title here

This is what you miss when you don't open the Sunday paper for 3 days:

I went to my neurologist yesterday. No, I don't have mental problems. I mean, okay yeah I do, but I'm not being treated for them. I go there for my migraines. Every time you go for an appointment they take your vitals like they weigh you (such a joy), take your blood pressure, etc. Yesterday I was asked a question that I have never ever been asked at a doctor's office-or anywhere else-before. As I sat down to have my blood pressure taken, the nurse looked at me and said, "Have you had any kind of breast surgeries ever?" I honestly didn't know what to do. I just stared at her thinking, 'There is no way she just asked me that. I must be hearing things.' So I racked my brain trying to think of what she possibly could have said that I misinterpreted to hear "breast surgeries". After about 45 seconds of just staring at her in silence, I realized that I had just spent 45 full seconds staring at her in silence so I just said, "No. No." Then she moved on as if she didn't just ask me if my boobs were fake. I have been to this doctor like 3 other times, and they have NEVER asked me that before. All I know is, I am definitely wearing that bra/shirt combo much more often.

I think my friends and I are at a crossroads. We are getting older and more tired yet we still want to party. This explains why on Saturday we spent 2 and a half hours playing Pictionary then hopped in a cab and went downtown to get shitfaced and watch The Websters perform at a bar. Okay this isn't entirely true-we were actually already shitfaced before we went to the bar.

As we get older, game nights are becoming more and more common in our little group (as are back injuries and 4-door sedan purchases). They are cheap and fun and I can sometimes wear my pajamas. For Christmas Steph asked for Pictionary and a big dry-erase board on an easel. At first I made fun of her. Then I realized it is the greatest thing ever. I nearly pee my pants watching my friends try to draw under pressure. Gordo is some kind of weirdo guessing savant. You draw a straight line, and he's like "Of Mice and Men!" and it's correct. But I suppose he has to be good at the guessing, because his drawings are...ridiculous. Matt corrects everyone's drawings after the timer has gone off, graciously using his skills as an architect to demonstrate how a surfboard or sandcastle really should be drawn. My sister has, at least twice, drawn a penis and on Saturday she drew two people having sex as a hint for the word "pretzel". Clearly she is a deviant of some sort, and I should probably get her in to see a therapist.

After Pictionary, we went to see our favorite cover band, The Websters. Here's what I remember:
- A lot of wine and cranberry and vodka made its way into my system that night.
- When we got there, everyone in the audience was at least 15-20 feet away from the stage so Steph and I ran right up to the front and went crazy. As predicted, everyone soon followed suit.
- I think Steph tried to make out with the lead singer.
- For 3 hours I used all my willpower to not reach out and strum the bass player's guitar.
- Matt kept screaming that he was way past drunk and had moved into the "fucking drunk" stage. Also he had a picture of his new car in his wallet and was showing it around.
- The over/under for the number of girls Gordo would hit on was 3. He said he wouldn't hit on any. I counted at least 2. Anyone else see any more?
- Sharda's cousin, who doesn't know me at all, was there and I got about an inch from his face, pointed directly at him and screamed, "Sharda, there's your cousin!!!"
- I kept thinking I'd end up leaving a little early to get some sleep then suddenly the bouncer literally had to ask us to leave because it was 2:30 and we were still sitting at the bar trying to order drinks.
- Somehow we found a cab and tried to get in, but as soon as 4 of us were in it, the driver took off. The door was still open. Diane immediately starting yelling at the cabbie for being a jerk, and he tried to kick them out of his cab, but Diane said, "No we are not leaving. Now take us home, and you better take us DIRECTLY home-none of that side street crap. By the way there goes your tip." Let's just say Diane is not good at creating a friendly rapport with cabbies after she's been drinking. After tipping the cabbie $1, they asked him to come back and get us (the ones who were left behind). He said okay and took off. Shockingly, he did not come back for us.
- Gordo, Kevin, Kim and I waited outside in 11 degree weather for a cab for 30 minutes.
- When a cab finally came I was so happy I seriously considered dropping my pants for him.
- When we got back to Steph's place she came down to let us in and also to let her dog out and she was wearing a tank top. 11 degrees.
- Later Steph thought she was ordering an hour long epside of "The Hills" on pay-per-view, but it turns out she was actually ordering black porn. That is a special kind of drunk, you guys.