Thursday, March 29, 2007

We fake talked to this one guy so we could steal free "I heart Cleveland" pins

It appears I am in the minority in my love for the "Lost" episode last night. But I think since it's my blog that means that by default I am always right. I'll need to check the official rulebook, but yeah-I'm pretty sure that's how it works around here. Yes it was probably the most out-of-place episode so far, but that doesn't bother me one bit. Honestly I just really enjoyed the episode and had a good time watching it. Personally I felt it was written just for us, the audience. I had read an article that when they first brought Nikki and Paulo on, they had a big storyline planned for them, but part of it ended up being abandoned so then they were left with these two people who suddenly showed up and had nothing to do. So here we are, the fans, like, "Who the hell are these two people?", and the writers were like, "Well, let's answer that question and get rid of them in a spectacular way." It was like they said-here you go, gang. You don't have to worry about the newbies anymore. Not only that, it didn't raise a million more completely enraging questions that will take years to answer. It was like a mental breather. It was campy and most importantly it was fun, and this show is rarely fun. Hurley said, "Nikki's dead." and Sawyer said, "Who the hell is Nikki?" That was clearly a line thrown in just for us because the writers knew we were all thinking the same thing. It's like we were in on the joke. How can you not totally love that?

Oh and one more thing then I'll shut up and pretend all the people who said it was lame didn't really say that: Remember when Locke told Paulo, "Nothing you bury on this beach stays buried."? Could that be foreshadowing of people buried on the beach not staying buried? Interesting!

In other news, last night you'll all be pleased to know that we did something very grown up. Steph, Lisa, Matt and I went to an event called Professionals in the City. It was a gathering of Cleveland-area professionals for a meet 'n' greet happy hour and then a panel discussion with some of the biggest investors in Cleveland's redevelopment projects. Can you believe how mature and professional and grown up we are? Of course as soon as the panel discussion started we decided to leave and go get drinks and dinner at a bar down the street. And I may have been drunk. And Steph may have sent this picture to all our friends with the message "Drink named after me":







Yes-grown up indeed.

Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Remember when Artz blew up? That was insane.

Warning: Major Big Spoilers. Do NOT read if you didn't watch "Lost".

Oh my what the holy effing poop on a stick.

What. In the hell. Did I. Just. Witness.

That was amazing. I don't even know where to begin. Well how about them bringing back some of the old gang! Shannon? Boone? Artz!? YES!! Man it was nice to see them again. I also thought it was pretty cool how they went back and inserted Nikki and Paulo into some of the key scenes from season 1. Very clever.

Also this has to be one of the greatest openings to a show ever. Nikki's dramatic collapse. Then Hurley: "Dude, Nikki's dead."
Sawyer: "Who the hell is Nikki?"
Cue Lost title card.
Absolutely fantastic beginning.

There were so many great lines in this episode especially between Hurley and Sawyer. When Hurley told Sawyer to stop messing with the crime scene, pop almost came out of my nose.

Now how about those deaths? Lost writers, you are seriously some sick and twisted people to have thought up deaths like that. First of all there's no way I'm sleeping tonight thanks to your little spider attack scene. Second of all, being aware of everything around you but unable to move. Third of all, BURIED ALIVE? Where do you get your inspiration from? My worst nightmares? Holy Christ. I'm not saying these people didn't deserve it. I mean, let's be honest-they were total scumbags. But jeezus-remind me never to get on your bad side.

I don't know how you did it, but you made this episode all about people no one really gave two craps about, and you managed to make it completely and utterly riveting. I couldn't fast forward through the commercial breaks fast enough. I also couldn't get to my computer to blog fast enough. Bravo, Lost writers. Brav-effing-o.

P.S. Shirtless Sawyer digging a hole did not go unnoticed and is much appreciated.

P.P.S. Even the previews for next week were amazing. Kate is about to kick some serious ass in what looks like a one-sided chick fight in the rain. This seems like it might fulfill the average male viewer's fantasy. Okay and mine-I'll admit it. I have a woman-crush on Kate. And I would really like to see her kick that hor Juliette's ass. Stupid Juliette. We know you don't want to be on the island anymore. Just stop protecting Ben already. The whole routine of "I want to be your friend but I'm still not going to tell you shit" is tired, and we are about done with you. Also Kate, get ready to feel the sting of finding out Jack saw you laying naked with Sawyer. Make it right, Kate! He still loves you!

March Sadness

Oh, you guys. This one stings. I was kicking all kinds of ass in one of my brackets. I didn't even want to write about it at the risk of jinxing it. And then it happened-I got screwed because no one in the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament wants me to win ever. And so it is with a heavy heart that I present to you my 2007 NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament poem:

"Agricultural & Mechanical? More like Agriclusterfuckural & Megasuckical. Yeah I said it." by Okay Seriously

It's over for me this year
Because of only one offender
I'll be winning no money
No cash. No legal tender.

Oh, A&M, you wound me
I'm way past being fixed
Was it just too much to ask
For you to get sixty-six?

Thought Wisconsin had ruined me
And yet I persevered
Then you came along
And jumped right up my rear

I mean I was way ahead
Was winning by a ton
In fact if you hadn't effed me
I probably would've won

Could go for the obvious joke
About what the hell's an Aggie
And how maybe you should change it
To the Texas A&M Faggies

But I won't go that low
I won't be a name caller
Just kidding-you guys are aholes
Now give me fifty dollars

This is what I get for straying
Should've stuck with the Bucks
I guess I'm just a whore
Because I sure like getting fucked


Previous year's poems can be found here, here, here and here.

Friday, March 23, 2007

Because you're in a wheelchair and I'm not

*Warning: spoilers*

Lost
Okay Lost was effing amazing this week. Locke is badass, crazyass and dumbass all rolled into one. I was annoyed that once again he was swayed into doing something dumb, but I was reminded of a comment Russ left a couple weeks ago after I was mad that they keep making John do moronic things:

"I was also dismayed by Locke's blatant dunderheaded-ness. My only thought is that in his real life, it appeared that John has a tendency to start looking strong and competent, but in the end he's screws up. So he jumps from low-level job to low-level job, gets suckered by his dad, expose the pot farm to a cop, etc."

Russ, I think you completely nailed it on the head. Every time Locke tries to do something, it ends up going terribly wrong. Okay I'm getting ahead of myself here. First of all, I'm sorry but Ben looked terrified when he realized John was standing in his bedroom. Wouldn't you? He had the crazy eyes and was holding a gun and smiling. Creepy! But Ben just played him like a fiddle. Convincing him to blow up the submarine. Ben is pure evil. EVIL. Seriously that man is terrifying. Even his own (not) daughter was basically like, "You're a moron. My dad's totally playing you."

The way John listened to Ben reminded me of the way he used to always listened to his dad. Why, John!? Why do you keep trusting your father? You keep going back to him over and over, and he keeps hurting you over and over. Was anyone else completely shocked to learn that the reason John was in a wheelchair was because his dad pushed him out of an eighth story window?? I really didn't expect that to be the reason, but holy cripes that was a sweet twist. I don't think John Locke could be any more damaged-physically and mentally. No wonder he doesn't want to leave the island. He's capable there. He can walk. He can fight. He's useful. I'd probably do anything to stay there, too, if I was him.

Also I just want to say it was effing sweet when he said to Ben, "You're in a wheelchair and I'm not." Eat it, Ben! How does it feel to know the island cares more about him? Okay...Locke's dad at the end. Um...I pretty much soiled my underpants. First of all, I was going to kill someone if they didn't show us what was in the closet till the next show. Second of all, how in the hell did they get his dad there!? Third of all, I guess when he said, "Bring out the man from Tallahassee" he meant Locke's dad? Does that mean he was there on the island already? WTF? Also they keep talking about his dad being a con man-I believe he was the original Sawyer who conned Sawyer's/James's parents out of money. My God that was a fantastic ending.

By the way, how pissed is Jack right now? He finally has a chance to leave and Locke totally ruins it. Jack's face was almost murderous. Oh my God the talk between Jack and Kate. How intense was that!? You guys, I'm sorry, but they are in love. It's so obvious. I was almost in tears I was so happy. I was screaming at the television, "Just kiss already!!" If I had been standing when that scene took place, the moment he bent over and whispered in her ear, "But I'll come back for you." my knees would've buckled. I was literally swooning. Good Lord.

Other great things that happened:

- Sayid to Alex: "You look just like your mother." Holy hell that was awesome. Way to cause waves with one sentence, Sayid!
- Jack plays the piano??
- Previews for next week: Sun hits Sawyer with a shovel!

Grey's
The Izzie-George hook up did not play out like I thought it would. Correct me if I'm wrong, but Izzie likes George, right? I really have to say I thought it would be the other way around which is why I kind of liked last night's episode. She's falling for him, and not only did he not even remember it happened at first, when he did realize it, he was all about Callie. All about making it work with Callie and forgetting the thing with Izzie even happened. Good! That's how it should be. I couldn't believe it when Izzie was like, "We need to figure out how to tell Callie." What? You don't say anything to Callie, bitch! It's not your place. It's not about you. I swear to God if in a future episode she's the one who ends up telling Callie, I will freak out. I don't know yet how I feel about the possibility of an Izzie-George pairing. I always felt they had a brother-sister vibe so it's hard to have to switch gears and think about them in a romantic way. Also I still think she should be with Alex. So at this time I am going to have to give the Izzie-George pairing a Thumbs Way Down.

Poor McDreamy is so worried that Meredith's going to try and leave again. This must be how the loved ones of people who've attempted suicide feel-like they constantly have to be watching out and protecting. My God it must be so tiring. When he said to Sloane, "I will hurt you if this goes badly for her." I had a Jack-Kate moment swoon. I thought the whole dynamic with Derek and Meredith was wonderful this episode. Just wonderful. They were so cute and happy and caring about each other.

Thank you, Grey's writers, for bringing Christina back to her senses. I loved the ending with these two. Her demands for what the wedding should be like were hilarious, and his reaction was also hilarious. I'm so glad they didn't break them up. I would've been pissed.

One of the things I really loved about this episode were the actual medical parts. Poor Jane Doe having to pick her own face with absolutely no idea of what she's actually supposed to look like. It was so sad, and you can easily see why she is so dependent on Alex's opinion for everything. Speaking of Alex: HOT. Also the lady with FOP (statue lady)-my God that was sad. I felt so bad for her daughter holding on so tight to every last second they had together. I would be the same exact way. I imagine in real life, though, the doctor wouldn't give me a speech about living my life and how the bad things that happen make you realize what's good, blah blah blah. Izzie's speech was nice, but I kept thinking, 'What if your doctor was saying this to you?' I'd be like-um...okay this is weird.

Sloane is a dog. And awesome. Bailey chewing him out was absolutely fantastic, and then when she heard about his "right now" plan her face was priceless. That man is a smooth-talker for sure. And just so so hot. It's just-it's hard to look at him straight on without risking going blind.

I didn't see any previews for next week which may mean it's a repeat, and I just want to say that that's not cool.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007

This post has not been approved for all audiences

Plot keywords for the movie "300" according to IMDB.com:

Epic
Breasts
Graphic Violence
Beheading
Best Friend
Archer
Sword And Sandal
Disembowelment
Death Of Hero
Based On Graphic Novel
Tyrant
Persia
Siege
Bare Butt
Loss Of Son
Number In Title
Rape
Stabbed In The Arm
Stabbed In The Eye
Stabbed In The Shoulder
Stabbed To Death
Stabbed In The Back
Stabbed In The Head
Trampled To Death
Traitor
Stabbed In The Chest
Shot To Death
Shot In The Chest
Severed Leg
Severed Head
Severed Arm
Arrow
Violent Movie
Soldier
Death Of Son
Dismemberment
Female Nudity
Fall From Height
Elephant
War
Spartan
Persian
Impalement
Sex
Face Slap
Hunchback
Cliff
Blood
Betrayal
Beaten To Death
Blood Splatter
Corpse
Decapitation
Gore
Child In Peril
Gash In The Face
Honor
Death Of Child
Deformity
Death
Warrior
Ancient Greece
Warrior Race
Based On Comic Book
Sword
Political
Red Cape
Oracle
Massacre
Nudity
Grenade
Fall Off Cliff
Title Spoken By Character
Shield
Pit
Battle
Nude Girl
Battle Axe
Male Nudity
Love Slave
Slow Motion
Transvestite
Evisceration
Archery
Hand To Hand Combat
Historical
Rough Sex
Fantasy
Battle Scene
Father Son Relationship
5th Century B.c.
Rhinoceros
Ogre
Giant Man
Triceratops
Spear
Stylization
Adultery
Loss Of Husband
Husband Wife Relationship
Based On Novel

I'm pretty sure I won't be seeing this movie. I am vehemently against stylization. And Triceratops. Just kidding-Triceratops are awesome.

P.S. I should pull in some pretty sweet searches with this post. Welcome all perverts! I don't have any nudity here but I do have Grey's Anatomy and Lost recaps which I think we can all agree are just as stimulating. No? Okay your loss. See you on "Dateline: To Catch a Predator".

Monday, March 19, 2007

This is very long. You guys are fine.

On Friday a few of us went to Diane and Drew's house where ALoyd taught us and Paul's 8 year old son how to play craps. Yes I know it's bad we let an 8 year old play with us, but he was having so much fun being the "stick guy" and getting to roll the dice. I don't think he really even knew what we were doing. I admit I felt a little guilty until a) it was his turn to roll the dice and he made me a buttload of fake money and b) he later started doing better than me. Also he was wearing a shirt that said "Irish Ladies Love Me" on it.

At one point he started laughing, and we weren't sure why until he pointed out that one of ALoyd's chips was covering up the "P" in "Pass Line". All of us tried unsuccessfully to keep from laughing so as not to encourage him. Well all of us except for Paul who was, shall we say, not too happy.

By the way craps is freaking awesome. My boobs are really good at craps. 'Why do you know such a weird and disturbing fact, Sarah?', you ask. Well, I'll tell you. Because when it was my turn to roll the dice, I rubbed them on my boobs and rolled 7 after 7 after 7-about 5 or 6 in a row, and I made everyone a ton of fake money. It's like I always suspected: the ladies are magical. Oh and since you're wondering yes the kid was there when I was rubbing the dice on the ladies. However, I swear I was very discreet about it-as discreet as one can possibly be while rubbing dice on their chest. Who says I'm not ready to be a parent?

I woke up Saturday and while getting ready to go out I decided that early in the afternoon, I was going to play the 30 year old card and leave earlier than everyone. 'I'm too old to be out drinking all day,' I thought. 'I'm tired, and I like my couch. I just turned 30-I'm using it.' Thirteen hours later I would return home to my bed with 17 lbs of beads around my neck, a sticker on my face, 4 fake tattoos and a same day hangover.

We started off the day a little later than usual at 10am and went to Meg's house for Kegs 'n' Eggs at Meg's-almost as good a name for a party as Cinco de Mego. A couple hours later and a bottle of champagne (okay and two wine coolers) in, we were heading to an Irish bar. Things there are a blur, but I know I had fun. Except for when Ohio State almost effed up my brackets (holy crap I would've had to write a poem about them). A few specific moments stand out in my mind:

- My friend FNG is juggling like 4 different women right now, and I'm almost 100% positive I asked him to put me on the list.
- I lost Steph on the way to the bathroom and started screaming "Steph! Steph! Everyone watch out for my friend Steph! She's really little!"
- Meg spilled a drink all over everyone.
- Tami did something obscene with a St. Patrick's Day hat.
- Tim called my cranberry vodka Kool-aid.
- Drew gave me money to buy him a beer, and I used it to buy myself a jello shot.
- I promised 4 different people I would go to dinner with them later on that day-at 4 different restaurants.

As far as my tattoos, I had one on each wrist-a skull and an anchor-and one by each thumb-a shamrock and a martini glass. They were glow in the dark and were generously provided by the lovely Lori and Tiffany, out-of-towners who I feel should really be moving up here to permanently hang out with us (me) and also to provide us (me) with fake glow in the dark tattoos.

At the second bar we went to some guy pushed me really hard, and I yelled, "Easy, buddy! I will fight you right here! I have a skull!!!" and I flashed him the skull tattoo. Bob spit out his drink. He acted like it was the funniest thing he's ever seen, but really I think he was just scared. I am extremely tough. Especially while holding an amaretto sour and wearing a glove (indoors) on the hand that has to hold the drink because it's too cold.

After being at the third bar for a while it became apparent that if we didn't get Meg some food and water fast, she was going to collapse and die in front of us. Wereally didn't want that to happen-mostly because we love her and would hate living life without her. But also because she was wearing a giant fuzzy green hat, and I just couldn't let one of my friends go out that way. So we went to get dinner at this great restaurant. And at the risk of embarrassing Meg (by the way-there's no risk. It's a certainty.), here are only some of the things that transpired while we were there:

- She tried to fight the hostess after we were told it would be a 45 minute wait. "I have something to SAY to her!!"
- She called ALoyd a slut about 80 times.
- She said she was a piranha and bit ALoyd's nipple
- She tried to eat Matt's meal instead of her own
- And perhaps the greatest moment of all time, she pulled out her phone to make a call, and...well to be honest, I can't even do justice to what actually happened, but let me turn to my astounding skills as an artist to best explain what we witnessed:














If it's not clear from that masterpiece basically what happened is she had her phone up to her ear facing the wrong way. ALoyd was in tears within seconds. We all followed suit shortly after. When we tried to tell her she was holding it wrong she yelled, "This is how my phone works!"


Meg, I know you probably don't remember any of this, but I just want to tell you thanks for making my day so goddamn entertaining. You had me almost peeing my pants no less than 12 times. It was glorious.

I hope all of you had great St. Patrick's Days and oh my God I hope you got to witness one of your friends acting like a piranha in a restaurant.

Friday, March 16, 2007

When the h is The Office coming back??

Lost
I thought "Lost" was excellent. First of all, I think all Desmond does now is save Charlie's life, and I am okay with that because he is so hot and heroic. We finally found out officially that Claire is Jack's half-sister. That's still a great twist even though everyone already knew that. I can't wait until they themselves find out in season 17 after we've all forgotten about it. Claire was really on top of her game with those migratory birds. Way to use your noggin, Claire!! I can't believe they ended up with only one bird and therefore only one SOS message on a tiny piece of paper lightly tied to the bird's leg. If this was a comedy instead of a drama as soon as that bird flew away we'd see the piece of paper fall into the ocean. I kept expecting it to happen. I mean so there's no way that message is going to get to anyone, right? But it was still a great attempt. Sometimes I forget that they're actually still trying to get rescued.

Okay Eye Patch talked about the list again. What the hell is the list. If I don't find out what it is soon, I'm going to lose my freaking mind. Oh also we learned that Ben is not the guy in charge. There's someone else, and he's a "great, great man". Another thing we learned is that Kate needs to stop volunteering to do dangerous stuff like climbing that tree and going over the death trap first. I'm feeling inadequate because she's so effing tough. I'd be like, "Yeah why don't you guys go ahead. I'll stay here-you can pick me up on the way back." Actually if I was really being honest with myself, I would admit that I'd still be at the beach not volunteering to do anything but rub sunscreen all over Sawyer and/or Desmond.

What the hell is Jack doing playing football with Tom/Zeke? Are they friends now? Do you think they brainwashed him? It's either that or he's just playing along till he can get out of there. Or he's making the best of a bad situation. Kate's face was priceless. I like to think that inside her head she was saying, "I just came all this way and almost died like 3 times just to rescue your ass and you're playing fucking football? WTF!?"

We need to talk about John Locke. Remember how last week I was all mad because he barely ever does anything this season and they finally gave him something to do he made a huge dumb mistake? Um...yeah-I don't think that was a mistake. This week he's all, "How was I supposed to know the house was rigged with C4?" in his best I'm-a-bumbling-idiot voice. Then a few minutes later Sayid finds some of the C4 in Locke's backpack. Wha?? And his explanation is, "You never know when you're going to need some C4." What? I like Sayid's response with a smile, "No-that's not good enough, John." Then John totally throws Eye Patch into the trap and Eye Patch gets his brain melted. After this really long horrifying death scene Kate's like, "Oh My God." And they look at John in shock and he shrugs and says, "Sorry." Like oh I'm not sorry at all. W. T. F. You guys, Locke knows exactly what he's doing. But what is he doing!? I'm freaking out. I wish I had last week's episode to watch again because wasn't he in the house by himself for a short time before he met up with Sayid and the others? I think he blew up the effing house on purpose. I think he learned something on that chess game that they didn't show us. I also think he's starting to completely lose it, and he's about to start kicking ass and taking names and I cannot effing wait. Next week's episode is all about him. Ber-ring It.

Grey's
So I got a text from Steph last night before I got a chance to watch Grey's and she said, "I think Grey's has jumped the shark for me." I asked why, and she said she felt like she was watching Dallas-a tired cliched soap opera. After I watched it, I have to say I don't feel it jumped the shark for me, but, Steph, I totally see your point. I was pretty frustrated with last night's episode. You know it's bad when Derek and Meredith are "the stable couple".

First of all, can Christina and Burke ever get along for more than one episode in a row? I think they're such a great couple. I wish the show would just let them be a couple. There's enough drama and conflict just because of their personalities-the fun kind. The show doesn't need to keep creating more. And seriously-Christina dated that old nasty guy for 3 years? I think I speak for all of us when I say eeeeeeeewwwwww!

Do you guys think Alex is really over Izzie? I do not. At all. He said he had a date, but he really didn't. He was just going to see Jane Doe. I think he's saying he's over her so she will be comfortable with him living there. Maybe this is my wishful thinking. If so, please just let me have it. I want them back together so bad. Also I want him to move in with me, too. How can I make this happen? Hopefully Alex moving into the house will mean we'll get more of his story. I feel like he's the least developed character on the show which annoys me because I happen to think he's the most complex. Also, I'll be honest, I'm hoping for a shower scene. My God that man is gorgeous.

I really don't understand why George was so mad at Callie about being rich. I would be doing cartwheels if I found out the person I just married was loaded. How is that not awesome? Okay maybe it's annoying she wasn't completely straight with him at first, but so what? Make her buy you a nice present and get over it. I'm surprised Callie didn't smack him when he said, "Izzie's blonde and stacked and beautiful. Girls like that don't like George." She certainly had every right to. What a dickhead thing to say.

I was also glad to see that George had been ignoring Izzie for a few weeks. She deserves it. Then I was annoyed again when he gave her the satisfaction of saying, "I think I made a mistake when I married Callie." However, surprisingly Izzie wasn't a bitch and didn't say, "I told you so." which is what I thought she would do. She was actually telling him to go back to her. The only really supportive thing she's done for him in a while. Then she ruined it by SLEEPING WITH HIM. Okay I don't know how I feel about this. This really came out of left field, and I guess on some level it makes sense because she is rather possessive of him. Even though I think she's only possessive of him as a friend I think when that type of relationship is threatened you kind of do things to bring the person back into your life. Maybe it's her way of holding onto him. I don't know. I was half annoyed, half laughing my ass off. Her face when she woke up the next day was hysterical. I will say one thing: the Izzie-George hookup is loads less awkward than the Meredith-George hookup was. I mean I didn't immediately want to take a shower this time. How do you guys think this will play out? I have no idea.

P.S. Grey's writers, I'm gonna need more Bailey next time. Thanks.

P.S. To 24 watchers: Fucking Secret Service Aaron! Hell yes! Holy crap I will marry him.

Wednesday, March 14, 2007

License to thrill circa 1980













I used to keep this in my "treasure box". Other things kept in my treasure box: Canadian money, a sand dollar, a small silver spoon, Cabbage Patch Kids birth certificates, the rubber bands from my braces and a small cowbell which, along with some string, was once used to create an elaborate device that I hung up in my room to alert me of intruders.

Monday, March 12, 2007

An excerpt from the instructions on how to fill the tank on my humidifier

1. Remove the water tank by grasping the handle and pulling straight up. Set aside.

2. Lift up on the motor housing to remove and set aside. Remove the filter. Soak the filter in a sink full of cool water and place back in the humidifier while wet.

3. Turn the water tank upside down so that the fill cap is facing up; unscrew the fill cap by turning it counter-clockwise and set aside.

4. Fill the water tank with cool tap water.

5. Replace the fill cap by turning it clockwise. Turn the water tank right-side up.

6. Ahahahaha-we can't believe you fell for that, you stupid moron. You actually thought when you turned it over it wouldn't leak all over the place? Idiot. Man-this is totally our favorite part of this job. Watching douchebags like you just completely forget the notion of gravity and spill water all over yourselves so you have to change your pajamas. Well have fun cleaning that up. Chances are good you've already walked through it in your socks. And chances are also good the long trail of water you left on your carpet while carrying it into your bedroom won't dry completely overnight, and you'll walk through it again in the morning. Seriously-this never gets old for us. Peace out, sucka. See ya tomorrow when you forget that the tank leaks and do this all over again.

Friday, March 09, 2007

FYI I'm wearing hooker boots at work today

I watched "Lost" last night. I thought it was good if not a little ho-hum. I'm so glad we were back with Sayid and Locke. Anyone else a little bit annoyed that they finally give Locke something to do, and they make him do something moronic? That bothers me. I really feel like his character is so central to the show. It's time they really start using him again. I have to say I'm glad we finally came back to the eye patch guy. They showed him so long ago, I was starting to think maybe I made him up. I knew he was bad right away. Not because I have amazing intuition like Sayid but because that actor plays a bad guy in freaking everything. Right after the show I was thinking that they gave us a lot of information even though I really didn't understand any of it. But now I'm wondering did they really give us a lot of info or did they trick us into thinking they did? I'm confused-what is the difference between the Dharma Initiative and the "hostiles". Are The Others not part of the Dharma Initiative? Am I a complete idiot for not catching on to that? Help me someone!

Holy crap Sayid is one bad ass mother. Yet with a heart of gold. If I was on the island, I'd get on his good side really effing fast. He knows how to do everything! Also I loved when Sawyer was yelling at everyone for taking his stuff and that new girl who barely does anything said, "It wasn't your stuff to begin with." and Sawyer said, "First of all, it was my stuff when I took it and second of all who the hell are you?" The question we all want answered! Classic. P.S. What the hell was up with that cat being on the island!? Freaky ass cat.

I also watched Scrubs last night, and this sent me into a 5 minute laughing/coughing/choking fit:

Turk, Cox, JD, Carla and Elliot are trying to console a patient who just attempted suicide. Soft piano music is playing.

Turk: Look, man, we all have those bleak moments where we swear we'll never bounce back. Like when I was 17 my mom walked in my room with a look that I had never seen. She said, "It's over, Turk. Michael Jordan's career is over."
Cox, angrily: Is anyone a bigger idiot than you?
JD: Is he the black golfer?

Thursday, March 08, 2007

I'm Ready is the best song ever

I haven't watched Lost yet, and it's totally killing me. Please no spoilers in the comments, but was it good?

Quick question for my fellow Browns fans: Are we seriously getting Jamal Lewis? The guy who set his personal record for rushing in a single game against us? How is this even possible? Holy crap B must be seething. Well the good news is maybe he can help us win some games. The bad news is he's from Baltimore so he'll probably be moving back in a few months. He'll tell us he loves us, but that he "just can't stay here". Then we'll get all depressed and start a blog.

On Monday night we went to see Jack's Mannequin play at the House of Blues.

The concert
Absolutely fantastic. I have been a huge fan of Andrew McMahon ever since the inception of Something Corporate. His side project, Jack's Mannequin, created one of my most favorite albums of all time. The universe has unloaded mountains of talent on this guy, and I guarantee we'll see much more from him in the future. It's hard to believe he's only 24. Well there's one thing I know for sure: the man knows how to write a song. I think he's a genius. Also I think I would make out with him a little bit. Please if you get a chance and you haven't already, check out Jack's Mannequin and Something Corporate.

The crowd
Without using any sarcasm or my frequently present exaggeration, I can confidently say we were easily 8-10 years above the average age of the rest of the concertgoers. And the only reason it is that close is because of all the parents there who brought their underage kids and then had to stay because there was no where else to go. In fact we stood behind 3 moms who were wearing ear plugs, and every once in a while their kids would come up and ask for money.

Signs we did not fit in:

- We filled out our bras (this applies to the ladies only)
- We drove ourselves
- We didn't have on a band t-shirt or slutty shirt
- Half of us had to wear glasses to see the stage. The other half had contacts.
- We could buy beer
- We wore coats
- Jack's Mannequin did a cover of The Police's "Message in a Bottle", and we were the only ones who knew the words

Seriously we were dressed exactly like the parents around us. My sister tried hard to look like she belonged with the younger kids by wearing a tight shirt and cool jeans, but she added a cardigan, tennis shoes and her glasses so she really didn't pull it off.

I fondly remember the days when my parents would have to drive me to a concert, and I would refuse to wear a jacket in the middle of winter-unless it was my sweet leather bomber's jacket. And I can remember my parents rolling their eyes at me saying, "People are going to think your parents let you leave the house looking like an idiot." And it's true because I looked at all the kids around me and thought, "Man these guys look like idiots. What's up with their parents?" But you know what? You should be thanking your lucky stars, Mom and Dad, because at least the clothes I wore left something to the imagination...of pedophiles. I can't believe what the girls are wearing these days. I don't care how old that makes me sound. I was in shock at the supertight, midriff-baring, cleavage-showing (if they had any) shirts these girls had on. At one point Diane looked around, let out a depressing sigh and said, "My daughter's going to have sex when she's 12 isn't she." I tried to imagine what would've happened if I had tried to leave the house looking like that back in the day. Here's how it goes in my mind:

My dad: "What the hell do you think you're doing?"
Me: "I'm going to a concert."
My dad: "Don't you need to get dressed?"
Me: "Daa-aad!! This is how people dress!"
My dad: Hearty laughter. Pause. "You're grounded."

Buying alcohol was hilarious. There was a bar on one side of the room and a candy stand where you could buy candy, juice and Gatorade at the back of the room. At all times the line for the candy was 3 times as long as the line for the bar. Actually there was no line for the bar. The bartenders spent most of the concert just standing around except for when we were up there putting them to work.

I think the thing that really made me feel the oldest was that I was so much older than the actual bands themselves. It reminds me of when I'm watching professional sports, and it hits me that I'm older than half the players out there. I haven't felt that old in a long time. Okay only like every day since I've turned 30 but still. Oh well. I may be an old lady, but at least I was a warm old lady in my coat, gloves and hat and not some idiot kid.

Monday, March 05, 2007

My weekend in bullet points

Friday:
- Went to Babies 'R' Us with Diane to buy presents for 3 upcoming baby showers and contracted baby fever in a big way.
- Spent last 10 minutes of shopping trip listening to baby scream at top of lungs. Baby fever tempered quite a bit.
- Spent 20 minutes trying to wrap especially large present. Let loose stream of obscenities in very close proximity to small children. Didn't care.

Saturday
- Went to lunch with Diane, Matt and Steph. Had a mimosa.
- Went to the Great Lakes Science Center to see "Hurricane on the Bayou" in the OMNIMAX theater. It was about the wetlands of Louisiana and how they are disappearing and how they were affected by Hurrican Katrina.
- Steph, perhaps missing the point of the movie, said the movie made her want to drink hurricanes. She received no objections from Diane, Matt or me, and as a group we decided drinking hurricanes would honor the city of New Orleans.
- Decided that since we were maybe a little inappropriate immediately drinking after watching an important film that we would also use the drinking time to come up with a list of ideas for how we are going to change the world or at least support our new cause (wetlands).
- Before the drinks even came we created this amazing list (my comments in green):


Ways to Make the World Better

  • Elect (or if unelectable, make-out with) John Edwards to show support (I will leave the making out to Steph as I find John Edwards to be somewhat of a person who I don't find attractive in any way.)

  • Send $ to the girl in the movie

  • Send $ to preserve the wetlands

  • Buy the cd from the movie for the charity

  • Go on vacation to New Orleans and build things (Steph also said that if we just go there and drink and eat we will be helping their economy. I like how Steph thinks.)

  • Open a hospital

  • Eat beignets, cafĂ© au lait, and gumbo

  • Host a happy hour with hurricane drink specials, send donation money from happy hour (This is seriously a kick ass idea.)

  • Write Congress (I did not agree to this-Steph snuck it in there. But I guess it's a good idea so we'll leave it.)

  • Blog and finally use Sarah's voice for good (While mildly insulting, I gladly accept. Please help preserve the wetlands! Pleeeeeeaaaase?????)

  • Convince Punky Brewster to join our cause as celebrity spokesman (Our waitress at the bar looked like Punky Brewster. It's not like we are just always thinking about Punky Brewster and decided to use her. I mean I am usually thinking about her, but that's not really related.)

  • Get Mark Nolan fired for disputing the existence of global warming (Damn you, Mark Nolan. Don't you know how much you hurt Sharda with this crap?)

  • Go Yellow!


(I'm thinking if Leonardo DiCaprio sees our list, he may want to make out with us. So this is a win-win for everyone.)

- Exhausted after doing so much good will for the world, drank half a pitcher of strawberry daiquiries. Plus one.
- Drew, Gordo and Meg joined us. Drew called Gordo "Gordonzola". It stuck.
- I said the sentence, "I need to go home and put on my boa and underpants." in all seriousness.
- Went home and got ready for party #1 of the night-AJ's 30th bday party. Started to have sameday hangover.
- Ate fish 'n' chips and drank amaretto sours at AJ's bday dinner. Buzz started to come back at alarmingly fast rate.
- Put on beads and Mardi Gras underpants for Aloyd's Mardi Gras party (thus the reason for the boa/underpants comment above). Underpants were to be decorated and worn on top of your clothes. They had happy/sad (comedy/tragedy) faces on them. I put a happy picture of Matt and a sad picture of Gordonzola on mine for decoration. Wore them around neck.
- Drank wine. Pictures now exist of me playing a kazoo while wearing approximately 7 lbs of beads, a mask and basically this hat:











- Aloyd let me keep the hat.
- Alienated Diane, Drew and Gordonzola by playing kazoo the entire car ride home.
- Somehow have Gordon's black cauldron in my trunk. This is not a euphemism of any kind. I have a cauldron in my trunk.

Friday, March 02, 2007

Volume Four

You guys, I loved this week's episode of Lost. Absolutely loved it. It reminded me of the first season greatness. We were back with our originals, it was Hurley-centric (and who doesn't love Hurley-people I don't like that's who), and it was FUNNY. I laughed out loud many times, and you know what? It's about time. There's no way no one would ever laugh or have a good time on that island. It's not realistic. When Hurley saw Sawyer was alive for the first time and ran up and hugged him, I thought it was such a sweet moment. I love that Sawyer has begrudgingly started to care about everyone, and they care about him. He tries so hard to be an ass, but he's a pretty lovable guy. And way hot. I am excited for a Danielle-Alex reunion. I can't wait for Danielle to completely lose her shit and go crazy and majorly kick some Other ass. I have a feeling it's going to be awesome. Please make this happen, Lost writers. It would be such a great payoff to see her give Ben what he deserves.

I just realized I never told you what was on the 4th birthday CD my sister made for me. So here it is:

Sarah's 30th Volume 4
1.
Never Surrender - Corey Hart: When this song came out, despite its message, I think I would've surrendered my body to Corey Hart. However, I was like 10 so that would've been extremely inappropriate.

2. I Don't Want to Wait - Paula Cole: I bought the Paula Cole album right when it came out-I guess because I love chicks with hairy armpits-and I loved this song so much. Then Dawson's Creek started, and now I can't listen to it without seeing a montage of the Dawson's Creek gang in my head. That show was like my crack. I hated it so much and knew it was making me a worse person, but God help me I could not stop. I tried to quit so many times, but I kept going back. When it finally ended a few years ago, it was like I had been set free. I felt the wind beneath my wings. Now it's on TBS, and it takes all the willpower I have inside me to not watch it when it's on. Goddamn you, James Van Der Forehead.

3. Hold Me Now - Diamond Rio: Something you should know about me: I freaking love Diamond Rio. This song was never released as a single, but I used to make my sister and my college roommate listen to it all the time, and now they love it. I am awesome.

4. Next To You - Wilson Phillips: Some people may be embarassed to say they liked the Wilson Phillips. Well guess what-I'm not. I loved that first (only?) album of theirs. This song was not one that was released, but my sister and I loved it. They say "Oh-Ee-Oh" a lot, and it's awesome.

5. Take Me Home Tonight - Eddie Money: If I need to explain to you why this song is on here then you don't know me at all. Eddie Money is the man.

6. Shake That - Eminem & Nate Dogg: This song could not be more offensive to women, but I'll tell you what-it really does make you want to shake your ass. P.S. I am a fan of any song that features Nate Dogg.

7. Out of the Blue - Debbie Gibson: Obviously. I literally wore out my "Out of the Blue" cassette tape listening to it so much. So I bought the CD. I love you forever, Debbie!

8. After All - Peter Cetera & Cher: You knew we weren't done with Peter Cetera yet. Here's another one of his famous duets. I was in 8th grade when I started to realize that I could really sing. However, I was in band instead of choir because you couldn't be in both. My friend Andrea convinced the choir teacher to let me sing a duet with her at a choir concert, and this is what we sang. I was totally the Peter Cetera part. So in a way, Peter Cetera and I are like one person-joined forever through song. And the restraining order he has against me. Sidenote: Andrea and I used to sing this song constantly and annoy the mother-loving crap out of the rest of our friends. Sorry, guys.

9. Promise - Eve 6: If you want to listen to a song that will rock your face off and force your body to dance against your will and make you almost get in a car accident because you were playing drums on your steering wheel and then you punched the ceiling of your car then this is the song for you. If you want to suck, don't listen to it. P.S. In my opinion, Eve 6 is one of the most underrated bands that ever was. Go buy their album "Horrorscope". It's near perfect. It's one of my "If you could only have 10 albums on a desert island" albums.

10. Dancing Queen - Abba: I am a dancing queen. Abba rules.

11. Trust Me (This is Love) - Amanda Marshall: Amanda Marshall's first album is fantastic, and this song has wonderful words that everyone who's having a tough time in their relationship should listen to. My sister, our friend Kimmie and I used to listen to this song constantly.

12. Soldier of Love - Donny Osmond: When this song came out and I found out that it was Donny Osmond, I almost crapped my pants. I had so many questions: But Donny Osmond sucks? How is it possible he sings this awesome song? Is he really my soldier of love? Well apparently he is, you guys, cuz this song kicks ass.

13. Fast Car - Tracy Chapman: I remember when this song came out my friends and I used to laugh at how silly it was that someone would write a semi-serious song about having a fast car. When I got older I realized the song is not about having a fast car but is actually a lovely but depressing song about a woman struggling through her entire life to take care of people who never give back and she's just trying to get her head above water to live a better life. This is like when "Papa Don't Preach" came out, and I thought it was about how Madonna's dad didn't approve of her boyfriend. Sadly, I didn't realize until college that it was about her being pregnant. College, you guys. How is that possible that I really didn't even get it until I was 19? Am I that big of a moron? Yes. I am. "I've made up my mind I'm keeping my baby." She flat out says it in the chorus. HOW DID I NOT GET THAT. Horrible.

14. Crazy Life - Toad the Wet Sprocket: My love for this song is two-fold: 1) I am obsessed with Toad the Wet Sprocket. Another underrated band. We went to see them a few years ago, and it was the closest I have ever come to crying at a concert. 2) This song is from "Empire Records". If you went to college when "Empire Records" came out then you've seen it and chances are good that you love it. As well you should because it's awesome, and the soundtrack is phenomenal. Save the empire!

15. Forever - Vertical Horizon: Another one of my favorite bands of all time. If this song doesn't touch your heart, you are dead inside.

16. Nobody's Fool - Kenny Loggins: Theme song from "Caddyshack 2: Suckage". The movie was horrible, but this song kicks all kinds of ass. I don't think I can explain the kind of physical reaction I have to this song once it comes on. You just have to be there to witness it. I'll just say that one time I was passed out drunk in the middle of the living room floor at a Halloween party, and my sister played this song to see what would happen, and I immediately woke up and started dancing. Now that's a good song.

17. London Bridges - Fergie: I believe we've talked about how me liking this song makes me want to end my own life, but you know what? I don't care anymore. I love this song, and I don't care who knows it!

18. Photograph - Def Leppard: I hesitate to call any song my favorite song of all time because there are so many I love, but this song is definitely a contender. By far my favorite 80's song, the physical reaction described above for "Nobody's Fool" is ten-fold for this song. Sometimes I fantasize about Def Leppard playing this song at my wedding. I'm not kidding. In 2000, we went to see Def Leppard in concert, and we had 6th row seats. They dropped the British flag from the ceiling, I turned to my friends and said, "Oh my God this is it!", the familiar beginning chords started and then I pretty much fainted. One of the best concert experiences of my life.

Diane, I think you should make me more CDs. It only took you like 37 hours, right?