Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Thanksgiving was awesome as usual. I ate so much I am still full. I got to see all 4 of my grandparents which makes me ridiculously lucky. My 80-something year old Grandpa K said he was glad to get out of the retirement village and "leave all those old people behind".
All parts of the dinner were good, but I think everyone would agree their favorite was probably the relish tray. I mean don't ask them, though. Because they'd probably lie and say something else just so my mom won't feel bad and why are you trying to make my family members uncomfortable anyway huh? I mean why don't you just lay off, Officer-it's a free country! Whoa sorry about that. By the way during a quiet moment at dinner my aunt said, "Boy these pickles sure are delicious." Smartass.
My Grandma and Grandpa C taught me a new card game and then proceeded to kick my ass at it. That's not very grandparenty if you ask me. But it was hard to stay mad when my grandma gave me a FULL loaf of pumpkin bread to take home. Oh my God. It's like a miracle. My mom and grandma were explaining to me how to cut it up into fourths and freeze it. And I was like, "No yeah I'll probably freeze it instead of immediately eating it." What? That doesn't even make sense.
The rest of my weekend was a blur of bars, leftover turkey and shopping-just how I like it.
Now I'm gonna go sit back in my chair and think about Christmas lights. And not how I'm about to turn 31. Nope-I will not be thinking about that at all. Not one bit. Where's the vodka.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
This year since Diane and I are 28 and 30 we decided it's probably time we start helping out more. Usually we just go to our parents and ask our mom what she needs us to do then we end up just stirring gravy for a half hour. So this year we called and said, "Okay, Mom, we are going to bring food over. What can we make?". Her answer? "Why don't you guys make the relish tray". The relish tray. Pickles and olives. We offered to make potatoes or stuffing or anything that requires using a stove. But no. Relish tray. That is all my mom trusts us with. And not even just one of us. We're both responsible for it.
On the bright side the chances of me burning or cutting myself on this are decreased by like 50%. I don't want to say there's no chance because it is still me, and I will still be in a kitchen. But it's possible I could come out unscathed.
I hope all of you have a wonderful holiday. Eat too much and drink too much but not so much that you accidentally throw up on your grandma.
P.S. If you watch How I Met Your Mother you will get the post title. All I have to say is "We're going to eat turkey. Then I'm going to slap you in your face."
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Some of you may remember that I don't drink beer. I hate beer. So why did I go? Because all my friends were going. And we got a free t-shirt. I will do almost anything for a free t-shirt. Plus giving away all my beer tastings made me feel like Santa Claus.
Saturday we watched the Buckeyes own the Wolverines then we all decided to go bowling. It was so fun, and I think I met the man I'm going to marry. There was this guy all of a sudden standing with us, and he was absolutely wasted. He kept rubbing my back then he put his hand on my ass and said, "If I put my finger in your butt would you like it?" Ahhhh-just the line every woman wants to hear. After that I told him it was time for him to go away-you know because I couldn't control myself around him. Then he went over and started rubbing my sister's back. Probably just to make me jealous. Then he did the same to Anita, and her husband Brian finally put an end to the madness. And by that I mean he flew us to Vegas so me and Drunk Finger Boy could get married.
Also that night I, shockingly, did not drink. I know-who am I, right? Well be glad because since I was sober it wasn't me who while at the bar in a crowd of people stepped in front of a giant running fan and pretended to be Tawny Kitaen from the "Here I Go Again" Whitesnake video. Oh wait-no that was me. Drunk or sober, kids, I am what I am: a jackass.
Friday, November 16, 2007
I left work yesterday at the peak of rush hour and drove John to his car. Then we both got on the highway. I merged onto the highway then went to change lanes. As I was getting over, I looked behind me to make sure I had room. When I turned back around, the girl in front of me was at a dead stop. And I think you can guess what happened next. I was going roughly 45-50 mph just like everyone else on the highway except the girl in front of me. Apparently there were pieces of a bumper on the road and instead of going around it like every single other car she just stopped.
I ran into the girl, and the guy behind me ran into me. It was so awesome! We got out to assess the damage-of which there was very little-and the dude and I were ready to exchange info and leave, but the girl was already on the phone with the police. I don't blame her-if I was the car in front I'd call, too. But I was annoyed because I just wanted to go home. Oh and did I mention it was hailing? Yes. It only added to the enjoyment.
In the meantime John called me. He was 2 cars in front of me. He was like, "That wasn't you, was it?". When I told him it was he said, "Oh man-I went around the bumper, looked in my rearview mirror, saw the person behind me just completely lock up her brakes and thought 'Oh boy-this is not going to be good'."
As I was sitting there it dawned on me that half the people I work with were probably driving by. It couldn't get worse, right? Wrong. After a few minutes of talking to my dad, both of us almost positive there was no way a Cleveland cop was going to show up in less than 2 hours, I saw a firetruck and ambulance coming the opposite way of the highway. I made a joke, "Hey, Dad, maybe those are coming here.". We had a good laugh as I watched the emergency vehicles drive on by. Two minutes later the firetruck and ambulance pulled up behind us blocking our lane and the lane to our right-where basically everyone in Cleveland was trying to get on the highway.
At this point I was trying to sink as far down into my seat as humanly possible. And I put on my hood thinking it would help me to become invisible.
The firemen and paramedics, once they realized we were all okay, were visibly annoyed. I heard one of them say in an agitated voice, "There's like barely any damage.". I do not blame them. All I kept thinking about was what in the hell did this girl say to 911 when she called in this accident to cause them to send an ambulance and a firetruck?
One of the firemen came up and said, "Are you guys just going to exchange info and leave?". I told him if he could get the others to agree with that then I was in. He told us he thought that's what we should do then we had to stand out in the hail and write all our shit down. Finally when we were done they told us to get over to the right lane since they had it blocked off, build up our speed and merge into traffic.
I let the girl go, gave her some room then I went. I got up to about 50mph and the girl fucking slammed on her brakes again! We suddenly were at 25mph, and I was like are you effing kidding me? Luckily this time I avoided an accident, and I got over since obviously this chick was trying to kill me.
Right as I was on my way, my parents called. "You're on the news". Yes. We were on the news. They were talking about this 3 car pile up on the highway, emergency services on the scene, etc. Good Lord.
That's 3 accidents this year that I've been involved in either directly or indirectly. I think I shall dub 2007 "The Year of the Accident". I am ready for The Year of the Accident to give way to The Year I Win Millions in the Lottery...And I Marry John Krasinski.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
So here's something totally reasonable. If you don't feel like reading it basically what happened is store Santas in Sydney have been told to say "ha ha ha" instead of "ho ho ho" so as not to offend women.
Um...any woman who is offended by SANTA CLAUSE saying "ho ho ho" please stand up so I can punch you in the face. You are ruining Christmas.
Incidentally when Kim, Diane and I were roommates at Woodford we bought a Christmas decoration that said "Ho Ho Ho" and hung it on our front door so people would know who lived there. That oughta set the feminist movement back a couple hundred years.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
My sister, Meg and Sharda also love Christmas. Aloyd, knowing this fact, asked us to help him. Help him with what, you ask? Well he recently purchased a condo. A bachelor pad if you will. He has no Christmas decorations, and he doesn't really like Christmas. I know, you guys. He has other great qualities so I remain friends with him in spite of this flaw. Anyway, he came to us with this proposition: "If I give you guys money, would you be interested in decorating my place? Like I would pay, you would buy all the stuff and put it up?".
Um...is the Pope Catholic? Does a bear shit in the woods? Is Okay Seriously dreaming about Salt and Vinegar Pringles and Cherry Coke 22 out of 24 hours a day? YES!!
This is literally the greatest project I have ever been asked to work on. And we decided that it would make an awesome show on HGTV. People would need help with their decorating and in we would come. And it doesn't have to be just Christmas. It can be any holiday year round.
Sunday we went to Aloyd's house for our initial consultation. We wanted to get a better feel for his place, his style and his budget. Also we wanted to make him listen to Christmas music.
Here's the best and worst part. Drew came with us and taped us. For real. We had to pretend we were hosts and everything. Meg was a natural. But we almost had a group falling out when it appeared Meg was trying to take over the show for herself. But it's all okay now. I was horrible. I couldn't stop laughing or swearing. I think I would be a more effective TV host if I was drunk. What makes this whole thing even more sad is that we don't have a video camera. We had to use Diane's digital camera and take a series of 30 second videos.
We then went shopping and took the camera with us. When we told the checkout lady what we were doing she said it was the best idea ever. Then we put her on video. It was awesome. She told us to call her when we make it big so she can record herself on TV. The checkout lady believes in us, you guys!
We still have a lot of shopping left to do, but so far this is the most fun. I am certain we can turn Aloyd into a Christmas lover. And ourselves into HGTV stars. You guys would totally watch our show, right?
Friday, November 09, 2007
Let's try to ignore that and talk shows.
Effing Grey's. I hate and love it so much. I really hated the Izzie-George sex scenes, but if that's what I have to suffer through for them to finally and mercifully be over, I will do it. So I guess the storyline is that they have no chemistry. Hey great idea, writers. We only told you that a year ago. Whatever-let's hurry up and derail that BS ASAP. I want to like Izzie. I really do. But they have really ruined her character. I'm really hoping they can redeem her and George now.
New cardiologist=awful. Yay she's a great surgeon whatever. She's annoying. And she's messing up Christina's universe, and it's pissing me off. I guess that's the point. Also she is obviously a cyborg because there is no straight woman out there who is not attracted to McSteamy. He is so beautiful, I actually get dizzy looking at him.
Meredith is such an effing bitch. She has every right to decide not to get to know her sister, but she doesn't have to be a giant C U Next Tuesday about it. I was glad Lexie finally told her off. And Alex, too. Then Lexie was all nice and trying to be a part of her life again. Lexie, you are way too nice. I'd have given up a long time ago.
One more injustice was finally corrected last night: Bailey was made Chief Resident. All I have to say about that is it's about effing time.
First of all Michael was making fun of Ryan's retreat he called it Broken Mountain. Second of all Dwight keeps a machete in the ceiling. Good Lord that's funny.
Jim's glimpse into his bleak future was hilarious. Plus the whole birthday plotline showed that it's not always Michael being annoying-the people in the office are annoying, too. Pam almost got Jim to gather everyone in the conference room like Michael. Oh and when he started to complain about Toby, I couldn't deal.
- Do I believe that Michael has the skills to survive in a hostile environment? Let's put it this way: no I do not.
- Blacks do crack. Not the drug.
- You are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real.
- Tell her it's for Creed. She'll know what that means.
- The sun is in the two-thirds easterly quadrant.
- I HAVE HEMORRHOIDS!
- Mosy days I just sit and wait for the break.
Okay seriously when they panned to Jack and his hair was completely out of control and he said, "I called this meeting today to discuss what happened at Kenneth's party last night", I absolutely lost it. I mean I flat out started choking during that scene with the flashbacks. That show is brilliant!
Thursday, November 08, 2007
John (Shop Dungarees) and I had a meeting together. The purpose of the meeting was for John to give my team an overview of the application he supports. John is great at explaining technical concepts to people who are less technically inclined than him. Yesterday was no exception.
Everything was going well, and at the end of the meeting he did a live demo of how the workflow process of the application worked. He said, "To help you guys understand this better, I'll use a real life example." His example? "Say you're in the bathroom here and because of a miscalculation you run out of toilet paper." Yes his example was bathroom related.
He proceeded to show us how the workflow might look if this situation were encountered. "The tp holder would send an email to Management which would say 'Need tp in 6th floor bathroom stall 1' and maybe would include a picture of me on the toilet with a sad face. Then Management would see the request and take tp down to that bathroom."
At this point I was barely holding it together. I couldn't even look at him because I was 100% sure I was going to wet my pants if I made eye contact. My whole team was there-my peers, our managers and their manager, a woman who is VERY high up in our organization. And everybody was losing their minds. By the way, don't try this yourself because you'll get fired. He is literally the only person on this entire planet that can get away with it.
Then in a final bid to get me to soil myself, he said, "Once management completes the task of coming to the bathroom, seeing me sitting on the stall and giving me toilet paper, they can either send a request to the cleaning lady to go mop up the mess or they can enter in some comments and close out the task." These are the comments he entered in:
"All set, Johnny Boy. Commence wiping."
Goddammit I love that guy.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
"Members of your household, including you, Sarah, might have been letting chores around the home slide and the idea of getting them done may seem a bit too much for you to bear. Yet the spirit of sacrifice may get the best of you, and you might try to do it all yourself. Don't! Ask for help. Others are as responsible for household tasks as you are, and you aren't doing anyone any favors by working too hard."
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
On Saturday, Diane, my parents and I went to Amish Country to rub their noses in our use of electricity and buy their homemade crafts. Listen I truly believe that everybody has the right to live their life however they choose, but seriously what's with the Amish? I just simply don't understand what's appealing about that lifestyle. I've heard it makes you focus on what's important like family, etc. But here's the thing I am very focused on how much I love my family, but I still use a hairdryer in the morning. I think it's okay that I'm making fun of them because they can't read the Internet, right? I mean that is why I make fun of homeless people. Satan, before you take my soul back home with you for eternity you should know I was just kidding.
My friend Renee and I decided that the novelty of seeing a horse and buggy never wears off. So I helpfully pointed them out every single time we saw one. My dad helpfully pointed out all the horseshit.
This weekend I also babysat Steph's dog. We are now bff. Things got a little tense when I made him dance to Michael Buble with me, but he forgave me when I gave him a Milkbone. Dogs are so easy.
Sunday I spent all day worrying about the writers strike in Hollywood. Seriously studios, let's resolve this soon because I swear if I lose all my shows in January I will come out there and force all of you to eat complex carbohydrates till your stomach staples burst.
Friday, November 02, 2007
So guess who just woke up because she is not at work? That would be me. Haha suckers. God I love not working. Don't get me wrong I really like my new job, but not working has a magical quality. And that quality is not working.
How about a little show talk? Some spoilers ahead.
I'm seriously reaching the point where I don't even want to write about Grey's. Is it just me or is it getting worse and worse? It's turning into my Dawson's Creek where I don't want to watch it, but I have to because I'm addicted. I'm just going to do a quick recap because I'll be honest I was kind of disgusted with last night's episode.
Izzie and George - horrible. How much longer do I have to endure this?
New cardiologist lady - absolutely, unbelievably horrible. I swear to God if they keep her on the show, I might stop watching because she is so unbearable. Why did the chief take her crap? He's the boss. Assert your power, chief!
McDreamy and McSteamy as friends - amazing. I love it so much. They are so hot.
Heart surgery while you're awake - ga-gew! Is that really possible?
Guy who fell 12,000 feet parachuting - Roy!! It was nice to see him again especially when he's not playing a jerk. That guy is a total cutie.
Meredith and McDreamy - tired. Her issues around that whole thing make no sense anymore. I get her issues with her family, and I can even get her not really wanting to get to know Lexie (even though she's such a bitch to her), but this whole thing with McDreamy-I'm done with it.
McDreamy - McDreamy
Lexie and Alex - kinda hot.
Alex - so very, very hot. More shirtless scenes with him please.
I think last night might have had the funniest line ever uttered on "The Office". And it was Oscar. "Besides having sex with men, the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing I've ever done." I literally did a spittake.
When Michael was trying to set up the sleeping version of himself, and Dwight said he would be out of the office with him all the time, Michael said, "Mostly I'll be with Ryan. Or Darryl." Hilarious. Then when he had Pam writing up the want ad, "Middle aged black man with sass. And a big butt."
I thought the whole stealing the printer from Utica was a little out there, but their mustache disguises more than made up for it. They looked awesome, and I love that Jim laid the seat back in the car and then told Dwight, "You don't need to update me as much as you are updating me." The whole Jim and Karen reunion was so awkward and so how a girl would react if she heard her ex-boyfriend say he was doing really good with his new girlfriend. I like how Jim just got up and awkwardly walked out.
Oh! Oscar had another amazing line last night. While they were trying to do the Finer Things Club, Phyllis came in to use the microwave and she kept pressing all these buttons over and over and finally Oscar loses it and screams, "WHAT ARE YOU MICROWAVING!?" I lost it, too. Andy trying to get into the club was great, too. "The Finer Things Club is the most exclusive club in this office. I have to be in it. Party Planning Committee is my backup, and Kevin's band is my other backup."
This is the episode synopsis for next week: "Dunder Mifflin goes green when Ryan plans a corporate wilderness retreat and an excluded Michael begins planning his own outdoor adventure." You just know that's going to be awesome.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Woody came over, too. The three of them drank beer while I wore a headband that had lit up pumpkins on it. While we were sitting there, Meg and Aloyd walked up carrying wine. We asked if we could get them some chairs and Meg said,"Just glasses and a corkscrew." Six adults sitting on the porch drinking alcohol and eating chili. You could almost feel the envy of the parents out with their children.
There were so many cute kids. It made my ovaries ache. When teenagers came up who didn't bother putting on a costume, we gave them a Payday since that was the worst candy bar we had. At one point an unmarked white van drove through the street. Drew was like, "That's totally not shady at all while children are roaming the streets." Woody called it The Kidcatcher.
After the festivities, we watched the Cavs be terrible. Then we watched "Rent", but Drew muted the parts he thought were too sad. This morning he told me that he was glad that Diane and I weren't intravenous drug users so that we wouldn't get AIDS. That's our Drew: equal parts sweet and weird.
Tell me funny Halloween stories.