Wednesday, June 25, 2008

I think I'm still a little hungover

This past weekend was my sister's bachelorette party in Put in Bay. I am still trying to piece together the events so I can write a somewhat cohesive post about what happened. Here's what I can say so far: it was freaking awesome, we drank martinis and none of us can run for public office after the pictures we took with the inflatable doll.

In the meantime, this morning when John walked into our building, one of the security guards was on the phone and John heard his end of the conversation:

"Ok..... it's a naked man? He's fully nude? And is he still inside the branch?"

Sometimes I love this effing place.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Tips for the First Time Kayaker by Okay Seriously

1. Ride tandem with Meg or someone who is equally as clueless as you are. Sit in the back which you find out later makes you the person in charge of steering. Note: you should never be in charge of anything.

2. When the teenage worker boys push you into the water and you detect an audible grunt, think "Did they just call me fat?"

3. As soon as you are in the water, drift toward a concrete wall.

4. Scream like little girls.

5. Ask Matt, Steph, Drew and Diane for help getting you away from the wall and receive none because they are too busy laughing at you.

6. Have random boaters who are passing by yell out "paddle left to go right!" and thank them for their help while you do what they say.

7. Immediately start floating backwards down the river.

8. Look at Matt for any help as you are seriously going backwards down the river and watch him as he almost tips himself over from laughing so hard.

9. Eventually get the boat turned around and decide you are tired so stop paddling and let Meg do all the work.

10. Pass by a group of people who are fishing and when one of the guys yells out, "Hey-why aren't you helping?", reply, "Because I'm a lazy piece."

11. Quickly begin paddling again when Meg twirls around with an accusing stare after fisherman dude sells you out for not helping.

12. Literally every 3 seconds almost run into a dock, a tree limb, a concrete wall or a passing boat and have to try and straighten yourself out.

13. Ram Diane and Drew's boat like 30 times and try to find a way to connect your boats making it so Drew is rowing for all of you.

14. Make a sad face as Drew pushes you away with his oar.

15. While your friends are trying to peacefully and quietly kayak through the marina surrounded by gorgeous, million dollar mansions, yell out at the top of your lungs, "Does anyone who lives here want to get married!? I don't care if you are male or female!! LET'S DO THIS!!!" Watch as your friends try to kayak away. Feel bad for Meg who can't get away.

16. Drop your sunglasses in the lake and right before they sink into the abyss, snatch them from the depths. You are Wonder Woman. You cannot be beaten.

17. Shortly after bragging about being Wonder Woman, realize that you're pretty sure you lost Diane and Drew's sunscreen in the river somewhere. Don't listen to them as they yell at you for insisting on bringing it with you in the first place.

18. Along with Meg, start to get whiny and moany about having to constantly correct your steering. Seriously it's starting to really piss you off.

19. Finally make it back to the launch point and watch Meg completely give up on trying to steer you away from things. As you drift toward Diane and Drew's boat, listen to Meg start to fake cry/scream, "I don't want to do this anymore!!!".

20. Run into Diane's boat.

21. Almost fall getting out of the boat. Let the teenager who thinks you're fat help you out.

22. Ride in Matt's convertible and keep your arms up the whole time like you're in a rollercoaster.

23. Go get ice cream.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

I will kill you Blogger

So I wrote this whole post about my weekend-which was awesome-and somehow Blogger lost it. And I am angry. I suppose the slight possibility exists that it was human error, but I mean really it's not like I'm some idiot who almost cut her thumb off cutting zucchini the other day. Oh wait...

While I effing rewrite my weekend post, please read this article that Sharda sent me about how The Man is RUINING MY CHILDHOOD MEMORIES!!!!

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Things are getting a little hairy

Okay let's be honest with each other here. The past couple months, this blog has sucked total ass. I know it, you know it-let's not pretend. In fact, I took endless amounts of shit for it last weekend from Tony who is so blog-starved that any time I said anything at all including, "Diane, I know you said you keep your napkins above the fridge, but I don't see them" he said, "Why don't you blog about it?" And you guys are always so sweet and nice and I love you all so much so I owe you. So I kicked the scanner into high gear tonight for you. It's time for us to take a look at my hair...through the years. Let's do this.

First a disclaimer: I couldn't possibly scan every picture of my bad hair through the years. There are simply too many. So I just picked out some highlights. If you'd like to see the whole 31 year collection, stop on by. We'll look at pictures and drink some sangria and possibly make out. Look I can't say that it won't happen. That's all I mean.

Up until I was in 3rd grade, I had really cute hair. Then my mom and grandma did this to me:

They told me I would want it short for the summer-as if I was a dog. Thus began the era of my life where people confused me for a boy. I would also like to point out my sweet sweater and the fact that I am holding the game Boggle. This girl is on her way to "cool", that's for sure.

Don't worry because things totally improved in 4th grade when I got a perm:

Oh yeah. That's the good stuff. At least it's a relaxed perm. Also this is back when I used to work hard.

I let this perm grow out for years then in 7th grade...

Bangs! Oh yeah-look at the lovely shadow they cast on the wall. A true work of art.

As 8th grade approached, the bangs were swept to the side:

A - Awesome shirt and earrings

B - That is my upper body and my friend's legs. I have no idea what is going on or why we did this. Nor do I want to think about where my bottom half and her top half is. Gentlemen, don't you think about it either because I was 14 here and that makes you a sicko pedophile.

After this I apparently just stopped cutting my hair until 9th grade:

This is the classic look for grown out bangs-pulled back in a puff. I particularly like my outfit in this picture. It manages to not only make the eyes of everyone who look upon it spontaneously burst, but it is also incredibly unflattering.

Things started to get better once I was in 10th grade and up at the high school. Nothing in this picture is too horrible...

WAIT! I spy something beaded! I highlighted it for your viewing pleasure. It looks nice against my denim-on-darker-denim look. By the way, that is my first puppy, Pepper. I miss you, baby!

After I got rid of the tail, things definitely calmed down for me hair-wise with two exceptions: 1-I got a perm my junior year and came home and locked myself in the bathroom for 5 hours and 2-my Junior Homecoming hair:

Yikes. That is some big hair. And yes-that is a scrunchie you see. Hey, can you tell I used hair spray? Ew. Also check out that dress. Is that not the most perfect example of a dress worn to a high school dance in the mid-90's? It had a jacket for Christ's sake. I think I got it at Petrie's. Anybody remember that place? Classic.

When I was going through my pictures I ran across one that you guys had to see:

That is me on the left. IN THE STRETCHPANTS. Stretchpants!! I just...I don't...I'm not sure what to say here. I wore this. In public. I wore a man's shirt and stretchpants. I am shamed.

P.S. I kept my sister in this picture because she's totally going to homecoming in a cast here. We look a lot alike-we just wear different lipstick.

I'll leave you with one last picture that I think is important for you guys to see:

Yeah I did.

Still 13

So not only did I get tickets to the New Kids yesterday*, but I also found out that ABC Family has a new series starting in July starring MOLLY RINGWALD! It's called "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" or something like that. Molly's the mom. Hello! New favorite show!

By the way can I just say that I love ABC Family. It has just the right amount of cheesiness for a semi-cheesy person like me. Plus "Greek" is awesome.

Also everyone go download Cyndi Lauper's new single "Into the Nightlife". It is awesome, and thank God there isn't a webcam in my house (that I know about) because if there was I'd definitely end up on YouTube in a video called "Chubby 30-something Lady Dances on Her Bed While Wearing a Tiara".

*I LOVE all you ladies who are just as excited for NKOTB as me. Seriously let's go out drinking some time.

Monday, June 02, 2008

This post brought to you by 13 year old Sarah