Friday, June 25, 2010

A quick letter to the ghost that is obviously living in my house

Dear ghost,

What's up? I just wanted you to know that I know you're here. There's no way that picture fell off the wall on its own. When I saw it on the ground, I knew immediately that there was no other explanation. Diane doesn't believe you exist. She says there's some sort of other "reasonable" explanation, but I know better. I was totally watching "The Sixth Sense" before you threw my picture to the ground. I get it.

So welcome to the condo. I realize you have your choice in houses to haunt, and I appreciate that you chose mine.

Oh and one more thing-I don't know if you go back to your ghost friends at night or if maybe you go to ghost work, but if so, could you not tell anyone that after the picture "fell" I called my sister and made her stay on the phone with me as I walked upstairs brandishing a pair of scissors? That is really embarassing. I have my super badass image to protect. Um...I can hear you laughing.


Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Some announcements

1) Dear Nicorette, fuck you.

2) Okay seriously, people, we need to talk. If you are not watching "Friday Night Lights", why aren't you watching "Friday Night Lights"? I honestly cannot say enough about how unbelievably amazingly breathtaking the past few episodes have been. I am obsessed with all the characters-obviously-but my heart belongs to Matt Saracen. How adorable is this kid*?

Even more adorable when you watch the show. There was a Matt-centric episode on a few weeks ago and he OWNED it. I honestly am still thinking about. Watch this show, people. Watch. This. Show. You will not be sorry, I promise you. Also I am posting this picture because I found it in my search, and it is so gd sweet. FNL fans will appreciate it:

3) A week ago we saw Zane Lamprey live. If you aren't familiar with him, it's time to bone up on your Zane trivia. He's the host of "Three Sheets" which is basically a show about alcohol. He travels to different countries and teaches you about alcohol, where it comes from, cultural customs as it pertains to drinking and then he gets completely shitfaced with the locals. It is absolutely glorious. He is hilarious, and so we jumped at the chance to see him live. It was not a disappointment. His live show is a lot like his TV show, but more like a stand up routine. Not only was it hilarious, but it just reminded me how much I like drinking. I realize it's not healthy, and I realize I am judged for it, but I LOVE DRINKING.

After the show, we waited in line to take a picture with Zane and his buddies (Seriously he tours the US with his best friends and just drinks. How do I get this job?). The people in line in front of us handed me their camera and asked me to take a picture of them with Zane-a task at which I failed utterly and completely. In all honesty, this chick's camera sucked, and when I pressed the button nothing happened for like 20 seconds. Unfortunately, that was about 15 seconds longer than they posed. The picture was absolutely awful. Three of the four of them laughed. One man did not. He was super angry. To that man (and his friends) I say: I am SO sorry. At the risk of sounding insincere, I swear I tried, but you guys posed for like 3 seconds and that camera sucks. Still, I claim full responsibility and I am sorry. Like really, really sorry. Please forgive me.

4) This past Saturday we met Kenny Loggins. And by met I mean "saw in concert" (I'm counting it). Listen I'll punch everyone who doesn't think Kenny Loggins is awesome because he is all kinds of awesome. The show was perfect. Kenny was perfect. We were the youngest people at the concert. I love being the youngest people at places. I love Kenny Loggins 4-eva.

5) I am officially having a nephew! Friday we found out my sister is having a boy. Apparently he decided to hang out with his wang out during the ultrasound. Just like his father-who did the same thing during the ultrasound. Just kidding. I think. I wasn't there so I can only hope I'm right about that. More important than anything, the baby is healthy and doing well. Obviously I would've been thrilled no matter the gender, but knowing what it is makes this all more real. And so much harder to wait for him to get here. I cannot wait to watch "The Goonies" with him. After finding out it was a boy, I bought my first present for him:

Tuxedo bib. Awesome. I laughed so hard I almost peed when I saw this. It took me all of 3 seconds to decide to buy it. Diane said it was a very "Sarah" gift to buy. Drew said it's for formal dining. Givememynephewimmediately.

*In real life he is not a kid so I am not a gross perv. In fact, in real life Zach Gilford is relatively close to my age, it is okay for me to say I want to do dirty things to him. Because, oh Lordy, I surely do. Also, yes please:

I bet the gentlemen really enjoy this post. It's definitely geared toward them. Should we talk about mani/pedis and periods?

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

I am an outlaw

A couple weeks ago on a Tuesday night, my friend Jace asked me if I wanted to go see a pre-screening of "Prince of Persia"-the new Jake Gyllenhaal movie. He had free tickets. Obviously I didn't really care about the movie, but I was intrigued by Jake's abs and really just wanted to hang out with Jace. We got to the theater right as it was supposed to start and bought some snacks. As we were paying, a girl came up to us and told us that the theater was full, but she might be able to squeeze us in. A woman and her teenage daughter were behind us, and the mom just went ballistic. "You really can't fit four more!?!?" So Jace and I said, "Let them have the last 2 seats. It's no big deal at all." And the movie lady said, "No that doesn't seem fair. You already bought your snacks and everything. Just all of you come back with me, and we'll see what we can do." Well we started to follow her back, and then the two of us were like, " we care enough about this movie to have to sit probably in seats that aren't by each other? I don't think so." So we stopped walking.

Here's where it got super awkward. Neither one of us could decide what to do. Should we buy tickets for another movie? Or should we just leave the theater and go hang out in the mall? As we stood there looking creepy, Jace whispered, "I bet if we act confident and just walk with purpose, we could totally sneak into another movie."

Let me explain why this is a big deal: Neither of us has ever snuck into a movie before. I realize it's a right of passage for every single teenager in the entire universe, yet somehow the two of us nerds missed out on this. But I mean if there's ever a time to start teenage mischief, it's in your 30's when the consequences could have an actual real negative outcome on your life.

So we decided to go for it. And we walked-with confidence and purpose-directly into the theater that was showing "MacGruber". I'm not really sure why this is the movie we ended up picking . We could see it was in the preview mode so we hadn't missed it, and it looked like the employees had just finished cleaning it so we thought there was a lower probability of being caught. We walked in, and sat down-the only people in the theater. I looked at Jace and said, "I think maybe when kids sneak into a theater, they pick the one that actually has people in it so it isn't as obvious." But hey-we were new to this. Here is basically how our conversation went for the entire 15 minutes we had to wait for the movie to start:

Jace, whispering: "How are you feeling?"
Me, also whispering: "Nervous."
Jace: "Oh my God me too. I am kind of freaking out. What if we get caught? Did you ever get detention?"
Me: "No!"
Jace: "Me neither!"
Me: "Is there such a thing as movie jail? Cuz we're going there."
Jace: "Who will you call to bail you out?"
Me: "I guess my mom. Man that will be an embarassing phone call."
Jace: "Someone's coming! Oh no-it's just a viewer. Not an employee. Phew."
Me: "If I lose my job because I got arrested at the movie theater, I will die."
Jace: "I don't think you and I were cut out for a life of crime."
Me: "Maybe we're overestimating how much the kids who work here actually care about anything happening at this theater. I mean they're teenagers. They don't really care about anything."
Jace: "What if we're underestimating how much they care, and we get that one weirdo nerd who loves his job too much?"
Me: "Crime is hard."

Then the movie started. And it. Was. Horrible. Not that I expected it to be great. I mean come on. But holy crap. It was not good. As soon as it was over, Jace turned to me and said,

Jace: "There is such a thing as movie jail. And it's this movie."
Me: "Karma is a real bitch."
Jace: "The people who work here probably saw us sneak in and said, 'Just let them stay. That movie's punishment enough.'"
Me: "A lesson hard learned, MacGruber. A lesson hard learned."

The moral of the story, kids, is twofold:
1. Stealing is bad, and you will always pay a price.
2. Sneaking into a movie theater in your 30's makes you kind of a nerd as evidenced by the fact that I told my mom this story, and she was basically like, "God-loosen up. They don't put you in movie jail."

P.S. Devo has a new album out today. Devo. As in Whip It. What? Were we waiting for the comeback album?

P.P.S. I watched "Fletch" today. Goddammit that movie is awesome. Everyone go watch it now and bask in how short Chevy Chase's shorts are. He's a genius. That movie rules. Can I borrow your towel for a sec? My car just hit a water buffalo.

P.P.P.S. Does anyone remember the show "Swans Crossing"? Come on, girls my age. Think back to junior high. It starred a pre-Buffy Sarah Michelle Gellar and was AWESOME.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Open letters to some of my friends regarding this past weekend

Dear Gordon and Tracey,
First of all, congratulations on getting married. You guys both looked overjoyed, and it was a lovely sight to see. I am so happy for you. Thank you so much for inviting me and asking me to sing at the wedding. I was so honored.

I'm sorry for anything that happened after the ceremony. In my defense I was very nervous about the singing, and once it was over I was ready to party. Like immediately. Plus Winking Lizard totally knows how to make a Sex on the Beach, and they basically force fed them to me while we were waiting for the reception to start. I mean seriously every time I ordered one, they would just make it and bring it to me.

I think everyone would agree that your first mistake was giving me a kazoo. What a wonderful alternative to throwing rice or blowing bubbles as you left the church. But, oh my, what a spectacular backfire as soon as we left the church. Most people claim to not have loved Drew's and my rendition(s) of "All That She Wants" by Ace of Base, but I firmly believe most people are a bunch of gd liars. Plus wasn't it a refreshing change to hear the kazoo rather than clinking glasses at the reception to indicate everyone wanted you guys to kiss? I personally find the kazoo a romantic instrument. As evidenced by my version of "Wonderful Tonight". The couples dancing to that on the dance floor acted like I was annoying them by playing it inches from their faces, but there's no way that's true. Some people tried to steal the kazoo from me a couple times during the night so I'm sure you can understand why I refused to put it down. God I love kazoos.

One last thing: you really shouldn't have a fan blowing onto the dance floor if you don't want people to do their impressions of Tawny Kitaen in the Whitesnake video. I'm just saying.

Dear Woody,
Thanks for being my personal body pillow on the drive home. I have a fuzzy memory of rubbing your head. Can you confirm this was happening? Can you also confirm that I am hilarious? Because seriously rubbing your head? That's really funny and not-as some might say-annoying.

Dear Jen and Carrie,
We are awesome dancers. No one can take that away from us.

Dear Drew,
We are the greatest kazoo players of all time. We will make a kazoo band and tour our friends' houses. She leads a lonely life, my friend.

Dear Diane,
Thanks for driving on Saturday. I definitely did not immediately consider you my personal designated driver for the summer when you told me you were pregnant so it was a nice surprise when you offered to drive us around. I'm almost positive you offered, right? I was told there was some sort of hissy fit on the ride home as we drove through late night McDonald's when a medium fry was ordered for me instead of a large fry, but seeing as I have no recollection of this, and no evidence was provided, I've concluded it did not happen.

Also please turn over your digital video camera at once so I can delete any and all "moving images" that contain, well, me. Is this going to be a new trend that we can expect? You guys bringing a video camera to our outings? Cuz I say

Dear Sunday,
Note for the future: Hangovers are not a good present. Please don't bring me one of those again. I am allergic.

Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Sumpin' New

Today I sent this to a coworker in response to an email she sent me with some information I needed:

I really think it's only a matter of time until I'm running this place.

P.S. Gary Coleman? Dennis Hopper? What is happening?

P.P.S. For real what the eff is up with this oil spill. I mean COME ON. How come my car can sense when I am nearby, but we somehow can't figure out how to stop oil from pouring into the ocean? Don't worry, though. James Cameron is on the case. My suggestion? Rock cork.