Thursday, December 23, 2010

Christmas Pre-show

Hey so...Christmas Eve is tomorrow.  I think I speak for every old person when I say, "How the fuck is it Christmas Eve already?"  Okay some of you probably would've left out the f-bomb, but I captured the sentiment correctly, I think.  Also, stop being a pussy and just use the f-bomb.

Here's what I've been up to:

- Two weeks ago we went to the Christmas Story house.  If you're in town, it's worth a quick look, but honestly it's overrated.  The best part is looking at it from the outside with the leg lamp in the window.  It's also fun to obnoxiously yell out quotes from the movie while other people are trying to enjoy their tour of the house and museum.  Try to go with Steph who will complain about how boring it is the entire time.  She was so angry with us for making her go.  It made it all worth it.  After that, we went to Great Lakes Brewing Company.  Then Bazaar Bizarre to see our friends CLE Clothing Company and Lindsayknits.  You should buy stuff from them because they are awesome and make quality things.  Also they are all really cute people.  After that it was Reddstone then YOLO Wine bar.  Then we went to The Harp.  Basically what I'm saying is we kind of did an impromptu pub crawl, and it was awesome.  My 5 week old nephew was with us for everything but the Christmas Story house.  He loves to party.  I love him so much it hurts.  Steph couldn't go to The Harp with us because she had to go officiate a wedding.



Oh sorry do you have questions about that?  Well, first of all, you read it right.  Steph-my little red-headed pistol of a friend who 5 years ago got ordained over the Internet-married two of her friends at a restaurant 2 weeks ago.  Let it sink in.  I'll wait. 

Here's how I found out:  Steph and I were supposed to be in a "modern day sleigh ride" parade that night.  Basically people with convertibles drive down the street with the top down, waving while Christmas music plays.  Totally normal thing to do.  So a few days before that was supposed to happen, I got this text message:  "Can't do the open sleigh ride convertible Saturday.  I have to perform a wedding at the [restaurant name redacted].  You read that correctly.  Sorry!  You can take my car tho and go without me."

I literally cannot tell you how many questions flooded my mind.  I was so overwhelmed with the need for more detail that I had to take time to compose my response.  Essentially what happened was a couple of her friends decided to get married on a whim, and Steph reminded them that she was Internet ordained.  That's all it took.

How does this happen in real life?  Because she is Steph.  And her life is not normal.  She finally admitted it after this.  A few things:

1.  She married them before their appetizers came.
2.  She forgot to do the rings.
3.  She put the wrong date on the marriage certificate.
4.  She wore a kimono.

I know you have a hundred more questions, but I have no answers for you.  This is it is.  Have I mentioned before that I love Steph?  You guys seriously need to find your own.  It is too much fun.

- Our annual Girls Christmas party was last Friday.  As usual it was filled with lots of wine, food and high pitched screams.  I don't know what the deal is with women, but when we get together our voices just get higher and higher.  What is that about?  Anyway, champagne was flowing that night.  Mostly through my veins.  I mean I drank A LOT of it.  A lot.  Like thinking about how much is almost embarassing.  It makes sense because I was hosting.  It's always good when the host is the drunkest person at the party.  People love going to parties with an asshole in charge.  I'm sure everyone loved it when, toward the end of the party, I blasted Jason Derulo and sang at the top of my lungs.  It was really Christmasy.  Other highlights:  Meg ballet dancing to "The Twelve Days of Christmas" as sung by John Denver and the Muppets, Carrie screaming about how much she loves Taylor Dane.  I know there were other highlights but my gawd I drank a lot of champagne.

[ed. note]: Why aren't you listening to "We Are Golden" by Mika right now?  It's so awesome.

- Steph had a Christmas party on Saturday after Diane somehow convinced her to at the last minute.  It was a wine tasting party.  We did this a couple years ago, and it was a complete drunken cluster.  Everyone brings a wine-white or red-two bottles of the same brand.  Then we wrap one up, and everyone tastes them all and picks their favorite red and favorite white.  Whoever brings the winning wine, wins all the extra bottles.  Two years ago, I won the white contest.  This year I won the white contest again.  I don't want to brag, but EAT IT, LOSER FRIENDS.  I'm just saying this is now like "my thing":  winning things at parties.  Woody doesn't drink wine so he brought Boone's Farm.  Obviously.  It was entered into the white contest so guess what that means?  Yep-I won a bottle of Boone's Farm.  Like that's punishment.  Please.  I live for cheap girly wine.  They might as well call it Sarah's Farm.  I hope they don't, though.  Trevor was at this party, too.  I'm not kidding-at 6 weeks he has a busier social life than I do.  Also look what Steph uses as a water dish for her dog:

[ed. note]: TV related stuff:  Stupid Christmas episode of "The Office" was great.  I wanted to be all whiny about how it's not the same show, and then it was amazing.  Stupid Dwight with his decoy snowmen making me pee my pants laughing and stupid Jim making me cry at his reaction to Pam's gift, and Daryl has a daughter (!), and Michael breaking down in the parking lot then walking Pam back inside so she wouldn't slip and then dressing up as Santa Claus.  Ugh.  So good!  What am I going to complain about, Office!?  Oh how about "Gossip Girl"?  Serena is awful.  Like 100% awful and nothing else.  Blair is amazing.  Also the right group won "The Sing-Off", right?  I totally voted for them.  So far, I'm on a 2 for 2 streak of picking the winner.  This clearly means I should be a judge on the show and that I should have sex with Nick Lachey.  Dude. Is. Hot.

- Last night was Christmas Happy Hour(s) at Meg's place.  This party also came to be after Diane convinced Meg to have it.  What is up with Diane talking people into having parties?  It's awesome.  I think it's so she can easily bring Trev.  He was at this one, too.  The girls fight over who gets to hold him.  They time each other and call "next".  I'm okay with it because when I'm around him when it's just the family, I'm a shameless baby hog.  I don't even care. Give him to me. Anyway Meg had decided she had too much wine at home and wanted help drinking it. Well we are really caring friends, and Meg needed our help so what choice did we have?  She needed us.  I was told this morning that we finished off about 15 bottles.  Holy hell.  We also had alcohol infused whipped cream.  Have you guys tried this stuff?  It's amazing.  Why did it take so long for this to be invented?  We were eating the chocolate kind out of little chocolate shot glasses along with some Bailey's.  At one point (after several glasses of wine, I should add), I decided I just wanted the whipped cream so I just put some of it on my hand and ate it with my finger.  So did Matt-only he didn't use any fingers.  It was just all kinds of wrong.  Let's leave it at that.  The best part?  It stained my hand.  Take a look:

Oh yeah-it looked like someone took a dump on my hand.  What's worse is that I was eating the whipped cream with my right index finger, and that finger had the same color stain.  So not only did it look like someone pooped on my hand, but it also looked like I stuck my finger up someone's ass.  It's really too bad that it eventually came off (after 27 washings) because I think it would've been interesting to see my coworkers' reactions to this.  "Sarah, what's on your hand?"  "'s...I mean...I went to a party last night.  It got...weird."

I think poopstain hands is as good a time as any to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas and/or Happy December 25th.  I realize I've been a bad blogger, but my resolution for 2011 is to pick up the pace again.  I appreciate all of you very much.  This year, as you know, is an extra special holiday at the Okay Seriously house because of the addition of my nephew Trevor.  I can't even begin to explain the impact his arrival has had on me.  Life without him is no longer a reality I want to think about ever.  And he's not even my son.  I'm sure those kinds of feelings are tenfold when it's your own kid.  Bonus previously unthought of impact:  When my sister and I go shopping we get to park in these spots now:

Even though Trev will have no idea what's happening on Christmas Day, just having him there is going to make this an absolutely amazing Christmas.  I truly and sincerely hope for the same kind of holiday for you all.

I'll meet you back here after the big day, and then we can stop being grateful for everything we have and start bitching about how New Year's is the worst holiday ever known to man. 

P.S.  I got a couple new watches for my birthday, and John said, "Maybe I should get a watch."  And I was like, "You should.  You're almost 40."  Then he said, "Well I have a Blackberry so I just get the time from that."  Then this happened:

Love you all.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Hack this!

I'm sure there was a huge panic on the interweb today when 3 of you came to this blog and were met with a "this blog has been removed" message.  I was hacked, y'all.  (I'm using y'all because I'm currently listening to a Kenny Chesney song.)  Dinner was definitely not purchased for me before this violation took place which is some serious bullshit.  But don't worry-I'm still here...not updating regularly. 

Some things we need to talk about:

1.  So I don't particularly miss having my mind fucked every week by "Lost", but I do miss doing my recaps.  And I miss Matthew Fox on my tv with a stubbly beard.  There are still some good shows on, but not like that one, right?  I think "The Event" is testing me to see just how little I can care about characters in a TV show.  I had to let that one go as I realized a couple weeks ago in the middle of an episode, 'Hey you know what?  I just really don't give a shit.'  I am still loving "Hawaii Five-0".  I think this is for several reasons:  1) It's a procedural drama on CBS-the old people's network, and I am old now, 2) I like cop shows, 3) Just...he's so hot.  Alex O'Loughlin is seriously just so so hot.  And I love "Cougar Town", "Modern Family" and "Community".  They're all so effing hysterical.  Seriously I will marry Troy on "Community".  He is perfect every single week.

2.  Ryan Reynold and Scarlett Johansson, right??  In my mind they never really made sense which is an intelligent and kind thing to say seeing as I don't know either of them at all.  But I mean I will still sit here and judge them from my recliner while eating York Peppermint Patties.  Anyway, she seems blah.  He seems perfect in every single way imaginable.  So...inevitable?

3.  Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron!!  This is SHOCKING!  Also, kids, what are you doing breaking up at the same time as Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson?  You need better timing if you want to be on the cover of a magazine.

4.  Tell me you guys are watching "The Sing Off".  Because it is amazing.  I was obsessed with it last season, and I am so happy it's back.  Fellow viewers, the old timers should not be on this show, right?  Jerry whatever his name is?  He's like an actual Motown singer.  How is this fair that now he gets to be on an amateur competition?  The judges never say anything bad to him because he's like some legend or something.  Whatever!  Get an actual record deal and let some younger kids just starting out win this!  Also the full group version of "Use Somebody" last week was so good I almost peed.  Who's with me?  I can't stop talking about it.

5.  Tonight we went to see Straight No Chaser in concert.  If you ever get the chance to see them, do it.  They are so talented and really funny and entertaining.  Plus guys who can sing are hot.  Oh also if you have the chance, start drinking vodka at 3:30pm and then continue to drink vodka and wine until the concert starts.  Because that's what I did, and now I have same day hangover (SDH).  SDH doesn't feel good, but that's somewhat offsetted by the fact that, deep inside, I know it's really funny.


Friday, December 10, 2010

Okay Seriously's Gift Guide

A lot of you are regular readers of my dear friend, Johnny Virgil.  If you are, you know he's absolutely hilarious and a very talented writer.  When I say he's my friend, I actually mean he's my friend.  We knew each other "in real life" before we started the blogging thing.  Because of that, I can tell you that a) he's the real deal, b) he's wonderful in real life, too, c) he listens to good music and d) he once left me a voicemail consisting only of the most annoying sound ever in the whole world.

Well, JV has written a book.  Like an actual book.  It's full of true stories from his childhood-some you've read on the blog, some you haven't.  If you're a regular reader, you know that the stories about his childhood are his best ones.  The man paints a picture like no one's business. 

Yes okay maybe I'm slightly biased.  But people with talent should be supported, and JV has it in spades.  Reading this book will make you happy.  I know it with all my heart.  If only there were some kind of holiday coming up for which buying a book as a present would make perfect sense. 

If such a holiday exists, here's how you can obtain a copy or 20:
- Buy it from JV's Createspace store
- Buy it from Amazon
- Buy the Kindle version

Look at all those choices!  Could it be any easier to buy this book?  No, Chandler Bing.  It could not.

Speaking of supporting people with talent, I recently beat my 83 year old grandmother at Mexican Train, know.  Eat it, Grandma.

Also be on the lookout for my book "101 Ways to Look Busy at Work But Not Actually Be Working".  Man-wouldn't that be an awesome book?  Or maybe I'll write one called "Whatever-I Totally Did Not Drink a Bottle of Wine by Myself on my Birthday Just to Numb the Pain of Aging and the Realization That My Life is Passing Me By".  I'm kidding, family.  I mean about why I drank the wine.  I definitely drank the wine, though.

Buy Johnny Virgil's book!!

Sunday, December 05, 2010

Can I skip tomorrow?

Tomorrow is my 34th birthday.  And I would just like to say:  FUCK THIS AGING NONSENSE.  Note: I'm not handling this birthday well.  At least I will be spending it with my sister and nephew.  And old "Veronica Mars" episodes.  Man how much do we miss that show, Internet?  Am I right or am I right?  Give me some Logan Echolls immediately.

In my honor tomorrow, can you guys please bitch about how Daughtry and Santana have completely ruined the greatest song ever written??  Cuz this is some serious bullshit.  I honestly don't even know what to say about this.  You can't improve on perfection, people.  Why would you even attempt to create a better recording of this?  IT CANNOT BE DONE.  Santana, I almost expect this from you.  But Daughtry?  Why?  You're a hitmaker.  Your songs are awesome.  Why did you do this to me?  I feel betrayed.  And I'm angry.  Oh I'm angry.  The first time I heard it I was in my car.  My sister called, and we had this conversation:

Diane:  "Um...are you listening to the radio?"
Me:  "No I'm listening to my ipod."
Diane:  "Okay turn your radio to 104.1 and just try to stay calm."
Me:  "Okay weirdo."
I change the channel.  Pause.
My head explodes.

So yeah if you could spend tomorrow complaining about this, that would be an awesome birthday present.  I think tomorrow's a good day for Trevor to hear this song for the first time.  He's already familiar with Flo Rida.  Time to go old school.

P.S.  Another good birthday present would be if you could somehow introduce me to Def Leppard.  Also an iPad.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Green Beans are my bitch

I know everyone (Nessa) is dying to know how my first year actually making something for Thanksgiving went.  Let's take a look at the scoreboard:

Number of fingers lost: 0
Number of burns: 0
Number of family members who got sick after eating said casserole: 0
Number of panic attacks: 2

Green bean casserole master, thy name is Sarah

About that last of the things that makes cooking so difficult for me is that I really honestly don't understand it.  I have no concept of why certain ingredients should go together, how cooking times are determined-none of it.  That's why I can't just "eyeball" ingredients or make things without a recipe.  It is endlessly frustrating to be so incredibly inept at something-especially something essential to everyday life and something by which I'm completely fascinated.  So because of this frustration, I tend to panic while cooking.  A lot.

My first attack was the night before Thanksgiving when I was pulling out a casserole dish.  I kept thinking I had the wrong size because it was so small.  Then I looked at my recipe and realized it served 6.  We had 10 people coming.  Freak Out #1 began.  I did the only obvious thing when you realize you don't have enough ingredients.  I called my mom.  I'm sure in her head she was like, "Explain to me why you're calling me instead of just heading to the store to buy more stuff?"  But she didn't say that to me.  Instead she calmed me down and made me see that this was just not that big of a deal.  So yeah, I was totally at the grocery store the day before Thanksgiving.  There was no one there.  And by no one I mean everyone in the entire world.  I seriously almost had to cut a bitch by the green beans. 

The second panic attack was while it was cooking on Thanksgiving day.  First of all, I had to assemble the casserole 3 minutes after a bunch of my family members showed up.  Naturally they wanted to talk to me to find out how I was doing which meant 5 people were literally standing and watching me make it.  My anxiety level was through the roof.  I immediately began sweating.  The thing is, everyone in my family knows that I am not a great cook.  So I felt a lot of pressure to get it right-all completely in my head, of course.  My family never had a doubt everything would be fine.  Anyway after it was in the oven for 15-20 minutes, it wasn't setting up.  It was still soupy, and that is where I really began to lose it.  See I made a creative choice to use French cut green beans rather than just the regular green beans.  I thought they'd look "more elegant" (green bean casserole is really elegant).  I was convinced the casserole was too liquidy all because I used the other kind of green beans, and I had just ruined everyone's Thanksgiving and I was officially a horrible cook/person.  This is why I am totally insane.  Because it took me less than 5 minutes to go from a little worried to "I am a bad person."  My aunt was like, "It will set up once it's out of the oven.  Calm down."  And she was right.  How did she know that?  How can I be someone who knows things like that?  Damn you, cooking!

Anyway, when it finally came time to eat it, it was absolutely delicious.  In fact, my dad decided not to have seconds this year because he's trying to lose weight.  However, he had seconds of the green bean casserole.  It was probably more out of fatherly support, but I appreciated it anyway. 

Even though most of my friends said that green bean casserole is ridiculously easy to make, I still feel a great sense of accomplishment.  I mean that's not saying much.  I feel a great sense of accomplishment when I remember to unplug my hair straightener in the morning.  But still.  I made something with ingredients, people ate it, no one died.  Mission accomplished.

A warning to all family and friends:  I will now make this for every single food-related event from now on.

I fully expect this dramatic Thanksgiving story to be turned into a made-for-TV movie.  Or at the very least to be on an upcoming episode of "Law & Order"-ripped from the headlines style.

How was everyone's Thanksgiving?

Music related but not Thanksgiving related P.S.:

1.  "The Time" by The Black Eyed Peas might be the worst song in the entire universe.  Not only is it just terrible in and of itself, but it also managed to ruin a classic song in the process.  I just...I feel violated when I hear it.  F-.

2.  I think it's highly possible Jason Derulo is just a computer generated creation-like that movie "S1m0ne" where a woman-completely computer generated-becomes a huge movie star.  But I just can't help myself:  I freaking love Jason Derulo and his possibly digital ass.  Sometimes he sings his own name.  Awesome.