Okay Seriously

No explanation needed

2012-01-25T11:30:00.000-05:00

You can't even see my cleavage

2012-01-25T09:36:00.001-05:00

I caught a glimpse of myself in a window today and was like, "Oh my God, Sarah, you're dressed like a 40 year old lady." Then I remembered that I'm 35 and therefore dressed appropriately for my age. And now I'm sad.

Today is Blog All Day day. Let's do this!

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Season's Eatings (is a hilarious thing to say)

2011-12-23T15:13:00.000-05:00

I can't believe all the people who still read this. I feel so lucky! I will make you all a your own beer mug hand painted by me. Oh no? You don't want that? Shocking.

I just wanted to get on here and wish everyone very happy holidays no matter what holiday you're celebrating. As you know this is my favorite time of year even though I currently have some sort of stomach virus, and I can feel it rolling the dice trying to decide which end it's going to purge from. Let's just say there are no winners in that game.

My goal for this holiday season is to practice patience and compassion as those seem to be getting lost these days. Especially when some ahole in the parking lot decides that even though I started backing out first, he will back out as well and try to go faster to beat me and then I will have to slam on my brakes and my purse will fall off the seat onto the floor and of course it's open so everything spills out which may or may not have happened to me this morning and I may or may not have had to talk myself down from a homicidal rage because Christmas. Patience. Compassion. Let's all try it together.

I hope everyone has the best Christmas ever and/or the best weekend ever. Remember it's about family and friends and love and graciousness and humility and getting me an iPad.

Let's catch up

2011-12-19T23:21:00.003-05:00

Whew. I think I've finally recovered from Sausage Fest. I only needed like 5 months.
So...I guess I have some 'splainin to do. All I can say is that I reached a point where I needed time away from my computer every night. That sounds incredibly lame, but it's the truth. I was running out of steam and needed a breather. Sorry to leave you all (all 3 of you) hanging. I realize no one is probably even going to check this, but I'm gonna go for it anyway.

How do I come back after 5 months? I honestly have no idea where to start. How about a quick recap of what I've been up to?

- Went to the Solstice party at the Cleveland Art Museum where we spent 90% of the night in the free photo booth taking ridiculous pictures of ourselves wearing weird props.

- NKOTBSB concert in Detroit. My review of the concert: Dreams were realized. Lives were changed.

- NKOTBSB concert in Cleveland. My review of the concert: Holy fucking shit I love NKOTBSB. Also Mr. Schuester from "Glee" opened, and he introduced one of his songs by saying that he wrote it one night on tour while he was thinking about where Matthew Morrison ends and Will Schuester begins and his ensuing identity crisis. Literally the greatest, most ridiculous intro to a song ever.

- Cleveland Wine Festival where we made new friends at the dive bar afterward, and I broke my rule about never doing shots while not at a wedding reception. So worth it, though. Chocolate Covered Pretzel shot. DO IT RIGHT NOW.

- Krusty's. Oh man I love Krusty's.

- Debbie Gibson/Tiffany concert. BE. LIEVE. IT. I have no words for how awesome this was. I'll just say this:

- Our beloved Chicken Noodle and Katie left us for greener pastures but not before we got to go out and get drunk with his hot Coast Guard buddies.

- Def Leppard/Heart concert. No I didn't go to any concerts for current bands, if you're wondering.

- Cheered on my friends at a triathlon benefitting United Cerebral Palsy of Greater Cleveland and did not cry like a little girl as my friend, who is the mother of a 3 year old with CP, crossed the finish line like you guys did. Wusses.

- Went to California to be in my friend Squirt's wedding and do some sightseeing and GO SEE CONAN O'BRIEN TAPE LIVE!!! Check it:

- Went to the Browns home opener where they did a touching 9/11 tribute then immediately followed it with Motley Crue's "Kickstart My Heart."

- Got LASIK. Say whaaaat? It's true, you guys. I finally did it. I got my eyeballs shaved. It was totally insane but totally worth it. I'm Claritin clear now and can be one of those people who brag about having 20/20 vision even though it's a really weird thing to brag about. Also I got some hot Maxine sunglasses out of it. This is what I was promised, according to their web site:

Here's the reality:

This is my normal way of saying I'm still single. Also I still use MS Paint. Badly.

- Drew's little sister got married. What you need to know about that wedding:

Yeah that's pressed ham. And also:

That would be Matt's and my gourd fort, created in a brilliant attempt to protect our drinks from thieves. You know because it was an open bar so people would definitely need to steal our drinks. P.S. We also ended up accidentally telling our cab driver that we were going to take him to the forest and kill him. I'm so sorry, cab driver!

- Paint your own barware class. Basically we got a Groupon for going to this class where they give you a beer mug or wine glass and you paint on it with glass paint. Steph, Diane, Drew and I went and, to be frank, we are not what you would call "talented at art." Every other person there? Talented at art. We realized this once we were done and started walking around the room to see what everyone else was painting, and we noticed there were actual artists in the room.
Here's what a couple of our classmates did:

Here's what I did:

No seriously I made that. Your 10 year old niece didn't. By the way, my theme was "My Favorite Things" and yes that is a vodka bottle. Also in keeping in line with the theme, I put a picture of a TV on my glass, and I tried to write "Friends" on it since I love that show. Well I didn't leave enough room so the instructor told me to stagger the letters. Here's how it turned out:

Yeah. That says Red Fins. Those are Z's at the bottom, symbolizing my love of sleep. ARTIST.

- Halloween:

This won me first prize in the costume contest, baby! And is my 2011 Christmas card. My parents must be really proud. This is how I imagine conversations with their friends go:

Friend: So our 30 year old son James and his wife bought a new 3,000 square foot house. They just needed more room with baby number 3 on the way. Luckily, James got that promotion to VP a couple months ago so the added expense won't be a big deal.
My mom: Our 35 year old daughter dressed up as a Christmas tree. With working lights.

-

- Vegas, baby! Yeah we went to Vegas...and got the stomach flu. What happens in Vegas, stays in the Vegas sewer system because I puked into several of its toilets.
- Thanksgiving

- 35 (ugh...eff you, 35. Do you guys remember when you were 11 and 35 was insanely old? That is what my actual age is right now.)

- Girls' Christmas which ended with me taking my wine-soaked Christmas socks home in a Ziploc.

This is all in addition to clam bakes, birthdays, dinner parties, wine parties, charity events, baby showers, book clubs, football game parties, etc. But most of my time is eaten up by this:

I can't put into words what a joy Trevor is. Being an aunt is a dream, and life is just better with him around.

So...what are you guys up to?

Show us your sausage!

2011-07-19T00:33:00.003-04:00

Hey! What is this picture? This is a family blog! What do you do when you have a friend named Steph who bought a Groupon for fresh sausage and then ended up with so much sausage that she couldn't even keep it all in her own freezer? If you're us, you throw a party called Sausage Fest 2011. And if you're me, the first picture you take at Sausage Fest is this:

And if you're Matt, right now you're like, "Is that my area posted on the Internet?" which, yes-it is. Alas it was not that kind of Sausage Fest, you guys. Even though I really wanted it to be. It was a cookout filled with sausage (zing!). And me making inappropriate sausage jokes. We made friends with a 24 year old who lied to us and told us we were fun and young. And Chicken Noodle taught Paul and Jen's 2 year old son how to throw a plastic lawn chair into a pool. Also...we ate bear sausage.

That...is insanely bright red. Like I mean that appears to have come directly out of the bear and then placed on the grill. I spent most of the time staring at it in horror. That is, when I wasn't taking pictures like this and giggling:

I am 13.

P.S. That is my brother in law, Drew, holding that sausage while wearing a wifebeater tank and an apron.

I like Australians

2011-06-16T00:17:00.002-04:00

We are fucked up. Like as a whole, humanity is fucked up. I think we can all agree, right? I'm not saying it's irreversible or anything, but I think we can all admit we're heading down a frightening path. All you have to do is turn on MTV for 10 minutes if you disagree. That being said, we must be doing something right if God (or if you don't believe in God, the universe) gave us the Hemsworth brothers.

This is good. This is all very, very good. Consider me 100% on the Hemsworth bandwagon. And I looked it up, and the young one Liam (top) is legal so it's not totally creepy that I wrote this. It's still a little creepy, though.

Finally, a post for the gentlemen!

Post from the Past: The Royal Wedding

2011-06-15T00:44:00.007-04:00

So I'm not sure if you guys knew this or not, but Prince William and Kate Middleton got married. It's true! Not only did they get married, they got married butt-ass-early US time. Stupid International Date Line spinning planet revolving around the sun! What? I'm educated. Anyway, a royal wedding is like Steph and Meg's Christmas. As such, we had to celebrate. We did that in the following 2 ways:

1. Two weeks before the wedding, we held a hen party in Kate's honor. I believe that is the term for a bridal shower in England. We decided to do this at Steph and Meg's favorite British pub, The Old Angle. Sidenote/confession: I've been going to The Old Angle for years and totally thought it was an Irish pub. They have an Irish bartender there! Whatever I don't even care. I love pubs of all kinds. They have dark wood and fun employees and fish 'n' chips and vodka and that is all good with Sarah. Anyway, since Kate wasn't there and we couldn't give her presents, we all donated money to a Women and Children's shelter. Also we had to speak in British accents. Unfortunately for everyone around me, I could only do one by repeating lines from movies and plays I'd seen with British people in them. And on that day that meant Gavroche from "Les Miserables" and Oliver Twist from "Oliver!" so I kept telling everyone what little people can do and asking for some more gruel. Christy hung up some paper wedding bells at the bar and some of the girls wore lovely hats or "fascinators" as I have learned is the correct term for the feathery doo-dads. Here's a picture of one of us wearing a fascinator:

2. The day of the wedding was a Friday and television coverage started at 4am. So obviously we went to Steph's house. Actually we didn't start till 6am so it wasn't as bad even though it was still horrible. Steph had a party at her house at 6am on a Friday morning. Normal? Of course not, but boy did a lot of us show up. I guess we are seriously okay with having a party at any time of the day. Steph laid out a bunch of traditional British fare-tea, scones, crumpets. And pizza. Diane and I were like, "What's with the pizza?" And Steph goes, "We're still in America!" My favorite part about that exchange is that instead of recognizing that Diane and I were asking about the pizza because it was 6am-not a usual time to eat pizza ("Speak for yourself." - my brother-in-law), Steph immediately took the patriotic pride stance. Everyone knows pizza was invented in America. As I said, a bunch of us showed up, including our friends Chicken Noodle (Bill) and Katie who upon calling Steph to be let in to the building announced, "William and Kate are in the lobby."

Since it was so late in the morning, and I am a morning person, I was a pleasure to be around. <--OPPOSITE SENTENCE. I was actually very crabby until I had my juice. And by juice I definitely do not mean champagne of which there was none at this party since it was a Friday morning-what do you think we are, irresponsible adults? At one point I asked if Mr. Bean was at the wedding and then giggled like an 11 year old because that's how I roll. Meg immediately was like, "He's there. They already showed him." Then we laughed about how the President of the United States was not invited, but Mr. Bean was. That's my kind of wedding. After a couple hours of not drinking champagne and me not stuffing my face with shortbread cookies, it was time to go to work. Isn't that how every party ends, though?

A few quick thoughts on the wedding itself: Kate looked gorgeous, William looked like he was trying to have fun but kind of wanted to puke, Harry looked ready to get this m-effing party started, the kiss on the balcony was L-A-M-E so I hope they did it up real nice on their honeymoon, Harry is hot and I thought inviting intergalactic guests from neighboring alien nations was a nice touch:

No love in the elevator

2011-06-01T13:35:00.001-04:00

I have been trying to post for 2 hours. I've lost 3 posts. Why are they trying to keep us apart, Internet? Let's try something simple. A guy on the elevator just asked me how my day was going, and told him I was really busy cuz I just got back from a few days off, and I feel like the first day back should be easy. As soon as I didn't just say "Fine", he looked super annoyed that he asked. Then I was super annoyed because what kind of question is "How is your day going so far?" That's not something you ask a stranger if you just want them to say "Fine." That question is too fancy and demands an answer. Just ask me, "How are you?" So we can pretend we're having a conversation we we're really just passing time.

I hate elevators.

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That's what he said

2011-06-01T09:22:00.001-04:00

Drew, my brother-in-law, after I told him the story my air conditioner guy told me of the time he found a nest of baby mice in an air conditioner unit:

"That's rata-ew-ey."

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So...what's up?

2011-05-31T23:25:00.001-04:00

Whoa-jury duty was rough. Especially when Alec Baldwin tried to kill me and my son, and we had to go into hiding for a month with no computers or wi-fi or cell phones or Internet cafes. Oh who am I kidding. I can't lie to you guys. You'd never believe I knew what an Internet cafe was. So I owe you an explanation for my absence, but nobody wants to hear the boring truth which is that I've been in almost constant pain from my migraines for the past month. So please come up with a much more exciting reason and pretend it's that. It's way less of a bummer.

I'm back now, and I owe you big time so I promise you 2 things:

1. Tomorrow I am going to attempt to post something every hour on the hour. Yeah. I said it. And when I say every hour on the hour I mean from like 9am to the end of the workday. Or bedtime. Or whenever I run out of things to say.

2. I'll be Jay Leno-ing this bitch and discussing outdated world events. Hope you're still excited about Osama!

In the meantime, just to give you an overall idea of what I've been up to:

BAM! NSFW! Steph and I drew these at a wine bar while Matt looked on horrified and by "looked on horrified" I mean "told us we were doing it wrong". Sorry, Mom and Dad.

The Rural Juror*

2011-04-19T23:12:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow I begin jury duty. I have never been called for jury duty before so I'm not exactly sure what to expect. To prepare, I watched "The Juror" starring Demi Moore and Alec Baldwin. Here is the plot summary:

"When Annie Laird is selected as a juror in a big Mafia trial, she is forced by someone known as "The Teacher" to persuade the other jurors to vote "not guilty". He threatens to kill her son if she doesn't commit. When the trial is over, he can't let her go..."

I'm fairly sure this is how it will be for me. So now I will watch "The Sopranos" to figure out how to deal with the mob. Just kidding, I'm going to watch "Corky Romano". No not really-I will not put myself through that. Again.

Actually let me just put this out there for any Mafia enforcers thinking of using me as the person to convince a jury of something: I will make an absolute nightmare juror. I can't even make a decision about where to go to lunch without it turning into the most trying ordeal anyone around me has ever experienced. If someone says, "Where do you want to go eat?", I just shut down. I will not decide. John, unfortunately, has taken the brunt of this indecisiveness so when I told him I pulled jury duty, he had some comments:

"Being on a jury with you would mean me facing a jury shortly after."

"If you make it on a jury it will end up being a hung jury...because everyone else will hang themselves while you decide."
Things I am wondering:
1. Will there be a lawyer there that looks like Matthew McConaughey?
2. What if the judge tells me to dismiss something I just heard? How can I do that? I can't unhear something. Like I can't unhear the Daughtry remake of "Photograph". It's in there.
3. Will I get a chance to say, "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"?

4. Can I use this technique to get out of jury duty?

*Tell me you watch "30 Rock".

Words of the day

2011-04-15T11:56:00.001-04:00

supermassive black hole - noun - the largest type of black hole, formed when two or more galaxies collide.

Example 1: At the center of the milky way sits a supermassive black hole.
Example 2: The song "Supermassive Black Hole" by Muse kicks serious ass.

superboyband - noun - the largest type of boy band, formed when two or more amazing boy bands, picked directly out of Sarah's dreams, collide.

Example 1: The New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys have come together to form a superboyband called NKOTBSB.
Example 2: I am so excited to see the superboyband, NKOTBSB, on tour and to hear their new album (!) that I think I need a change of underwear.

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Sometimes the blog writes itself

2011-04-13T00:28:00.005-04:00

Today we have what is essentially a guest blogger because I am just copying and pasting an email Steph sent us on Thursday. The set up: Steph and Meg babysat my nephew Trevor Wednesday night. Thursday morning we all received this email:

So last night, the Babysitter’s Club volunteered to watch Trevor. When Drew and Diane came home before 11, admittedly, the babysitters were both asleep on the couches. Hey, Steph and Meg aren’t as young and fun and full of energy as we were when we were young…which it seems Trev had a problem with. I was looking at my cell phone today and it appears when we fell asleep, Trev had quite a wild night. I swung by daycare on my way to the office to ask him about it this morning and this is what he told me.

He said he had to escape the constant supervision of his ever so serious and responsible and appropriate and amazing babysitters and snuck out of the house to have a night on the town. He decided to start the night with a Peep show, but somehow found himself pulled up on the stage.

“Hey, what do you expect to happen when you are a chick magnet?”

The chicks were sweet and he admittedly drooled over them…

Then Trevor met some Playboy bunnies and they gifted him an official set of bunny ears.

He got a little drunk off the attention from the lovely ladies…

But, like all girls, these ladies want a commitment and Trev had to tell them no way and find his escape route…

He retreated to a guys night to hang out with his “dawg” (as Randy Jackson would say).

Hey, don’t hate the player, hate the game…

For those other parents reading this…Meg and I are open for business. Our rates are incredibly reasonable…we don’t charge anything, but we will eat your junk food, call boys, and pass out on your couch…but your baby will have a great time!

Things/People that have fallen the past week

2011-04-05T23:33:00.005-04:00

1. Butler University

2. Kirstie Alley and Maksim Longname

3. Southwest Flight 812 (20,000 feet in the sky)

4. Not gas prices

5. Me

Yes it's true-fucking UConn won the tournament. Oh and I fell this weekend. I know everyone is surprised as I am usually the very picture of grace and poise. Let me describe the events as they happened:

Saturday evening, 6:30pm: I clamp my 450 degree flat iron down on my left forearm

Saturday night, 12:30am: An almost full bottle of wine tips over in my fridge, the top pops out, wine spills all over the bottom of my fridge and into a huge puddle on my kitchen floor. It's my favorite wine.

Sunday evening, 5:30:00pm: I walk into my house, my arms filled to the max with stuff including an 18 roll pack of toilet paper (it should last me a couple days). My ankle gives out and in slow motion I begin my long descent onto my ass but not before realizing that I'm also falling onto my wooden laundry drying rack which is full of clean clothes.

Sunday evening, 5:30:15pm: I'm on the floor looking around for witnesses which makes sense since I was in my house and I live alone. My knee is throbbing, my arm is screaming. I realize with horror that I have squeezed the Charmin. The laundry rack...is no more. We did battle. It lost. Goodbye, sweet laundry rack that I've had since I was a freshman in college.

Sunday evening, 5:35pm: I realize the reason my arm literally feels like someone is sandpapering an open nerve is that I landed on my horrible, most likely 2nd degree burn (I'm not exaggerating) from the day before and all the burnt skin has been ripped off my arm.

Monday morning, 8am: I wake up unable to move because my back is spasming so bad. I work from home. I ice my knee. I take muscle relaxers. They are awesome.

Monday afternoon, 3:30pm: I watch "Raiders of the Lost Ark". I silently thank whoever made the "creative" decision to have Harrison Ford's shirt unbuttoned for 80% of the movie.

Present day: You are wondering why I included the bit about the wine spilling since it had nothing to do with me falling or my injuries. It's just that I am still mad about it.

Seriously, though, how fucking expensive is gas right now. I'll punch someone. Once I can move. And my epidermis is intact.

Letters for March 30th, 2011

2011-03-31T02:32:00.006-04:00

Dear weather,
This is total bullshit. It's March 30th. I was already mad when I heard about the "light dusting" of snow we were supposed to get today. Then I left work in a white-out and drove home in a blizzard. At least it only took me over an hour to get home. CAN YOU FEEL THE SARCASM?? I am a pretty patient person when it comes to Cleveland weather, but let's get a move on with the warm temperatures, please! I don't even need 60 degrees. But can we at least get out of the 30's? For the love of God. I'm starting to lose it. I for real was yelling at the sky-out loud-walking into work on Monday. Please get warmer before someone locks me up.

Dear insomnia,
Please see my first comment to "weather".

Dear Dan Gilbert,
It's really awesome that the Cavs beat the Heat last night, but you jinxed us with your hastily put together "we're going to win everything" open letter to the Internet last year. Please get your shit together.

Dear friends,
Sorry that at 34 I still steer dinner conversations toward poop talk. I'm sure you all expected at this age to go out to dinner and have some adult conversation, but you forgot one thing: You are friends with me. At least we used the classy and made up euphemism, "delivering a food baby" which, by the way, is how I'll be referring to it from now on. P.S. I am not really sorry about this. In fact, it was one of the highlights of the night, and I almost peed my pants laughing at that conversation.

Dear March Madness brackets,
I don't even know where to begin. You...well the only word I can think of to describe what happened is, imploded. You imploded. I barely have words for the massacre that took place within your walls. Of course I'm trying. I'm working on my poem, but so many teams were involved in my ass beating this year that I'm not even sure where to start.

Dear ass,
Sorry about your severe and brutal beating at the hands of pretty much every single NCAA men's basketball team this year. P.S. Why are you so big? Can part of you take a permanent vacation to someone else's body? How about Chris Brown? He is just one big giant ass so you will probably feel at home there. Have fun. Don't write. [Insert weird mental image of my ass writing me a postcard with a picture of Chris Brown on the front here.]

Insert Charlie Sheen joke here

2011-03-16T00:10:00.002-04:00

Hey does anyone know if anything horrible is happening in the world? I haven't had my fill of depressing news the past couple of weeks. Seriously between Japan (please, please, please donate anything you can possibly spare to help them) and Charlie Sheen which at first was hilarious then turned uncomfortable then really sad when we all realized his kids were still living with him, I could really use a drink or 10. Thank God St. Patrick's Day is only 2 days away. I really need to be able to bury my head in the sand and drink away all the pain happening in the world and wear glitter shamrocks and drink midori sours and be considered festive rather than a weirdo like usual. Note: midori sours are awesome.

Other things I can use to distract me:

Wine party at Meg's house - Saturday we're going to Meg's to drink wine because she basically buys wine by the gross and then realizes she needs to have people over to drink it. I am totally fine with this habit of hers. This is exactly how we were all invited via text message: "Wine, meatloaf, chix noodle on news party. Meg's place. March 19 @ 7pm." Some explanation: Our friend Chicken Noodle (yes) was on the news (yes).

Tax return - Seriously I better get a tax return this year. I need it to fund my campaign to stop the remake of "Short Circuit" from happening. Because what. the. fuck. That's not even the right story. A little kid from a broken family? Um hello-ET already did it. And better. Plus-no offensive Indian stereotype? No Ally Sheedy? No GUTTENBERG!? Go to hell, Hollywood! And so help me God if some young girl with a symbol in her name or a young guy with girl hair takes a break from filming their Disney or Nickelodeon show to remake El Debarge's "Who's Johnny", I...I don't even...someone will die. I mean that's the only logical conclusion. Someone will have to die.

March Madness - This is it, you guys. This is my year. I am going to win the whole damn thing. Then I will write a poem about how awesome I am as opposed to how angry I am. I will probably still talk about hookers and taking it up the butt, though. I want my parents to be proud of me.

And lastly...

Greatest email ever?

Greatest email ever.

I'm getting you this for your birthday

2011-03-01T00:04:00.000-05:00

You guys, this would look so good with your all denim outfit.

Liveblogging the Oscars

2011-02-28T00:09:00.000-05:00

So I actually decided to watch the Oscars tonight. Lately I've been trying to avoid them, but I like a few of the films I've seen, and there are a lot of other ones I want to see. Also I haven't had enough of James Franco lately. Let's get started:

This intro is hilarious. Alec Baldwin rules everything. You guys watch "30 Rock", right? You do. Also Morgan Freeman just introduced James Franco as "the star of General Hospital". Classic.

I love Anne Hathaway. She's so likeable, and in my heart she will always be Mia from The Princess Diaries. Pretty dress, Anne!

Art direction blah blah blah. Bo-ring!

Kirk Douglas is still charming and feisty. I love it. Hey is Michael Douglas okay? Wasn't he sick? Melissa Leo just dropped the f-bomb. Awesome. Also she guest starred on an episode of "Veronica Mars" once where she played a transgendered man. I've decided I like her.

Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis…what is happening. Do they have bad timing together or is this just supposed to be unfunny? If that's the case, mission accomplished.

Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem-matching tuxes. Cute. Holy crap can you imagine having dinner with Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz? You would have no fucking idea what anyone was saying the entire time.

Professional screenwriters should give all awards speeches.

Is anyone really surprised to see James Franco in a dress? I mean come on. Let's get real.

I cannot believe they are remaking Arthur. Also…I really want to hate Russell Brand, but goddammit he's kind of charming, right? Have you seen him on a talk show? He's, like, lovable. Dammit, Russell Brand. Damn you.

I have to say, I'm enjoying the fancy ponytails tonight on Anne and Reese. How can I do that with my hair?

I am very sad that Geoffrey Rush didn't win Best Supporting Actor because he was amazing. I swear to God if Colin Firth doesn't win for Best Actor, I will riot. It just doesn't get any better.

Uh oh, Anne, weird dress and hair alert. You look like a bird.

Okay this movie soundtrack montage is my favorite thing ever. I don't know if you guys know this about me, but I am a total movie soundtrack nerd. I love orchestra music and I love movies and I LOOOVE movie soundtracks. Listening to movie soundtracks is an Okay Seriously family past time. Also ET happens to be one of my favorite movie scores of all time. I am geeking out here.

Hey when is Matthew McConaughey going to be in a new movie? I need to see him with his shirt off.

I will say this, make up artists amaze me. How do they do it? Cate Blanchett made me laugh when she said, "That's gross" after the scenes from The Wolfman because I was literally thinking the same thing. Ah I see Rick Baker is still rocking the old man ponytail. Classy! Is Rick Baker purporting to be straight? Because…huh?

Okay favorite song from a movie? It is impossible for me to pick one. I have been sitting here for 15 minutes, paralyzed, trying to think of just one. It cannot be done so I am going to let myself off the hook. But please feel free to tell me yours.

Um…Chuck's going to sing with Mandy Moore? What? Whoa…he's good! Seriously…what is happening?

Jake Gyllenhaal wants me to see more short films. How the hell do you even go see a short film? I'm for real asking. Holy shit I finished typing that, and two seconds later afro guy who won for Best Live Action Short Film told me I could watch short films on iTunes. Get out of my mind, Afro Short Man!

James Franco, I'm trying to decide if you're funny or awkward.

Oy-a huge misstep with this autotune musical montage. Except for Taylor Lautner's abs.

Oprah! Somewhere Steph is freaking out right now. They are BFFs (in her mind). She is also Mind BFFs with Andy Cohen. Holy boobs, Oprah. Fabulous! If I met Oprah in person she would definitely think I was an ass. Why aren't the documentary people more excited to meet her? This is how I feel when I show people a picture of my nephew, and they don't react with enough enthusiasm for how cute he is. I get annoyed. Sidenote: He is the cutest ever. Another sidenote: You guys know I'm not political, but FOR FUCKING REAL. Why aren't any financial executives rotting in jail right now?!? Okay enough of that. I want to meet Oprah. And my nephew is so cute they had to make a new scale to measure cuteness.

Jude Law and Robert Downey Jr. have great chemistry. Should I see the Sherlock Holmes movie?

Okay the editors for The Social Network just hugged before they did their speech. That was super cute. Does David Fincher ever smile?

I don't love any of the songs nominated so I really don't care what wins. I think I'll vote for the one from Tangled because I love Mandy Moore and Zachary Levi. Or Randy Newman. Whatever. I don't care. Wait he's only won 2 times? That is shocking. He's for real nominated every year. I'm loving his speech. He's like, "I'm quirky and old, and I will say whatever I want."

Oh God the "In Memoriam" section. Leslie Nielsen! How much do you love Leslie Nielsen? Kobayashi from Usual Suspects! Lynn Redgrave! Jill Clayburgh? She died? Sad! Dennis Hopper! Um…no Corey Haim? Fuck you, Academy. Also did I miss Rue McClanahan because that is seriously messed up if they left her off.

Anne's blue shiny dress is not good.

Remember when Hilary Swank was on "90210"? She has 2 Oscars now. Just reminding everyone.

Annette Bening's hair is getting more insane every year. She is now 7 inches taller than she was 10 years ago.

Jeff Bridges! My eternal older man crush. No judging please. He is delicious. So there was no question Natalie Portman was going to win Best Actress, right? I mean I wrote this before they even announced the winner. I haven't seen Black Swan nor do I plan to, but I love Natalie Portman, and she's really good so I'm completely fine with this.

I couldn't love Sandra Bullock more. Literally. I need Jesse Eisenberg to laugh at her jokes. She's funny and delightful, Jesse! Okay SERIOUSLY. Colin Firth better win this. I will lose it if he doesn't. YESSSS!! You guys, I'm telling you. This is ridiculously well deserved. Go see this movie if you haven't already. I love you, Colin Firth.

Oh my. Anne's last dress is a nightmare.

Steven Spielberg! Jurassic Park theme song! I'm just saying.

Wow. I loved The King's Speech, but I'm actually surprised it won. I thought for sure The Social Network would win it. Yay! I think the last time I saw the winning picture was Titanic. I only saw that one 3 times in the theater. Didn't we all? Just admit it. Okay I just looked it up, and I saw The Departed which won in 2006 (fucking awesome movie) and The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (fucking awesome movie).

These singing kids are cute. I'm almost positive these are the same kids who sang at the lighting of the White House Christmas tree. That fun fact is brought to you courtesy of HGTV. I love you, HGTV!

In summation: I'm pretty sure James Franco was high tonight.

My first attempt at using the Blogger app for Droid

2011-02-24T11:54:00.001-05:00

Dear 100 year old man driving (swerving) in front of me last night,

I already assumed you shouldn't be driving (swerving) when I saw your old man hat and your handicapped sticker. But then you sealed it for me when, in a fit of confusion, you just stopped your car in the middle of an intersection. I was not surprised when I passed you and you had an oxygen mask on. I tried to get your attention to see if you needed help, but you didn't see me. I think the best way for me to help would be if I TOOK YOUR LICENSE AWAY FOREVER. Seriously, it's over. I'm sure you're a lovely man whose family would very much like you alive and/or not in jail for vehicular manslaughter. Also I do like that hat. It is so grandpa-y.

Love,
Sarah

Note: If this app works, expect mini posting to be my new thing.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Another Valentine's Day, another bottle of wine consumed

2011-02-15T00:11:00.002-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day! Yes, it's a stupid holiday. But my cold heart was warmed tonight when I went to dinner with my friends and cuddled with my perfect nephew. He's so cute, it's painful. He smiles all the time now, has huge beautiful dimples and a butt chin, and when you lean in to kiss him he opens his mouth. It's slobbery and amazing.

Saturday, in honor of VD (you guys are gross), we bar hopped and shared stories of all the kids who broke our hearts when we were little. For example, Bryan B. totally checked "No" when I asked him to go with me in 5th grade. And in 2nd grade, Mike M. dumped Steph because she had red hair which he said was "ugly"-even though he had red hair, too. Uncool, Mike! Many, many, many, many drinks were consumed and lots of fun was had. Also Steph and I totally looked like slutty moms-lots of cleavage paired with cardigans. Listen I don't want to give up showing off the ladies, but also I'm cold. Thus "Inappropriate PTA Mom" (that's what I called myself.)

Okay random stuff:

- Go see "The King's Speech". It's wonderful and feel good, and the acting is literally as good as it gets.

- "This is not my generation." - Our friend's girlfriend, while walking off the dance floor at a birthday party, 10 seconds after "This is How We Do It" by Montell Jordan started playing and 5 seconds after Diane, Drew, Matt, Woody and I were like, "Yeah! Now we're talking! Awesome song!"

- Hey. I have a serious question:

Awesome.

This is my version of Access Hollywood only without any interviews or facts or anything of interest to anyone

2011-02-03T23:43:00.008-05:00

We can talk Hollywood, right? I'm pretty sure nothing important is going on anywhere else in the rest of the world. There is certainly no history making, attention demanding, political uprising happening anywhere. That's for sure. I think we're clear to proceed with talking about the things that really matter.

1. I like James Franco, okay? I do. But I just...I need like a breather away from him. He is seriously constantly in my face. A lot of women think he is uber hot. I am not one of them. I think he's cute in that "weird dude who sits in the back of my Religion 101 class and sleeps-I mean I guess he's kinda cute I just wish he wasn't high all the time" way. I do like him, though (hello, General Hospital appearance!?). I just need like 5 minutes. Five minutes Franco free.

2. New shows:

- Off the Map. This is Grey's in the jungle. I'm not in love with it, but I like the jungle medicine. And it has my beloved Matt Saracen so I will watch it until it is off the air or my eyeballs no longer work. Speaking of Matt Saracen, sweetest most wonderful character on television, why aren't you watching Friday Night Lights again? Let's get going here. The final season starts April 15th on NBC so you have time to catch up before then.

- Perfect Couples. I watched this one because it was after Community. It was not awesome but kind of charming. However, I thought tonight's episode was hilarious. I like the cast (Olivia Munn is blah-but she's harmless and cute so I'm okay with it). Plus hilarious phone commercial guy is in it and some hot guy with permanent party voice. (Is this helping you learn the actors' names?) And, okay, has anyone seen the movie "Fired Up"? It's so stupid, but I love that movie. There's a guy in it-he plays a dickhead boyfriend-and he's so funny I literally cannot deal with it. At one point he and his friends are driving in his convertible singing "Tubthumping" by Chumbawumba at the top of their lungs, and he's like, "Awesome song! Chumbawumba. It's the soundtrack of my life man!" Dammit that's funny. And his last scene of the movie had me giggling so uncontrollably, I had to pause the movie (yeah I actually rented it). Anyway, that guy is on this show. He plays Vance for those who watch it. I don't know why, but I am seriously into this guy and his delivery. Give him to me.

3. Anyone watch Medium? Did you see the series finale? WORST. SERIES. FINALE. EVER. Amiright? I am so right! Diane, Drew and I are pretending it never happened. Seriously, Medium watchers, I want to hear from you. What did you think of the HORRIBLENESS (real word)?

Sidenote: You guys, I just had to pause this blog post because my nose was bleeding. That is hot.

4. "The Roommate" is this generation's "Single White Female", right?

5. That movie "Hall Pass" totally stole Steph's pickup line ("Do you know how much a polar bear weighs? Enough to break the ice. Hi. I'm Steph.") Note: I have seen this work.
6. I just saw a preview for something called "I Am Number Four". a) What the hell is that? b) Who the hell is this?

Seriously. This guy is good. He's good stuff. Well done, genetics. His name is like Alex BritishNameHotGuy, and I'm pretty sure he's about 15. Is everyone in the movies now 10-15 years younger than me? That's what it feels like. Excuse me while I go watch "Cocoon". What's sad is, that's barely a joke. I effing love Cocoon. Guttenberg? Brimley? Yes please.

6. Not Hollywood related, but I'm all about breaking the rules. Last night I had dreams within my dreams. Lots of them. It was seriously my own version of "Inception". In one of them, I had a pet dragon (obviously) who I named Falkor. I like how in my dreams, I'm still referencing pop culture (you guys know). Anyway, Johnny Virgil read that on Twitter and then this happened over instant messaging:

From Johnny Virgil:

From Okay Seriously:

Work is fun sometimes.

My computer is trying to kill me

2011-01-28T00:23:00.005-05:00

Dear computer,
Can you please stop being the most annoying POS on Earth? The slowness, the random attacks where suddenly everything is "Not Responding" at once. I will punch you. Something is up your butt the past week or so, and I'm gonna need you to calmly and quietly remove it. I mean you don't really have a "butt" per se, but if you did, I guess it would be...the DVD drive? Is it weird that I'm suggesting computers have body parts and that I am spending time looking for the ass? Yes it is, but in my defense I live alone and am most likely insane. I will write my manifesto as soon as you GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, COMPUTER!

So I literally cannot believe it's been 25 years since the Challenger exploded. How is that possible? Raise your hand if you were, like me, a little kid watching it on TV at school. I remember I really didn't know what was going on since I'd never seen a space shuttle launch before. I didn't know anything was wrong until it was very clear all the teachers were really upset. Here's Ronald Reagan's speech addressing it on TV that night.

How about some pictures?

Here's a picture of a weird turkey duck hybrid type of animal. Seriously this thing is weird, and when we were in Florida it kept walking up to our table while we were eating. I would guess it's a type of duck, but what's up with your face, duck!? Also I don't like to be bothered by mascots when I'm eating. And that's pretty much what you are.

Look I'm a giant!

When I was in junior high, I had these shorts. I got them at a store called Wearhouse of Fashion. Any West side Clevelandars out there know this store? You could get like 3 grocery bags worth of clothes for $20 or something ridiculous. I'm not joking. You brought your own bags. And it was just a huge warehouse. My mom, sister and I and my friend Kim and her mom used to go once every couple months and spend hours there. It was awesome. The clothes were not. But I loved them anyway. Especially these shorts. I had two pairs, each with patterns. I wore a lot of matching pocket tees with them.

Behold these beauties:

Some comments:

1. Right? I wore these. In public. A lot.
2. I guarantee that purple shirt is tucked in in the front but not the back.
3. Pink slouch socks.
4. Keds.
5. Not pictured: My oversized barette, my rolled up t-shirt sleeves, my tail, my pride.

Thought I should tell you about my last weekend since it's now next weekend

2011-01-21T00:09:00.003-05:00

Friday we went to happy hour. Our new friend Claire was there. Matt and Woody met Claire at a bar, and she is so lovely they invited her out to meet everyone. She is awesome. Since she was new, we completely behaved ourselves. And by that I mean we told her embarassing drunk stories and Steph brought up...okay I can't write it. I thought I would just link to a definition of it, but I don't feel comfortable even typing it into Google. Seriously I'm like a prude 7th grader at this point. So yeah suffice it to say, it's a sexual act that, as a group, we decided was pretty lame. It involves a man and a woman...and boobs. Okay I can't say anything else. I feel my face getting hot and blushy. Let me just be clear and say that this is not something we have ever talked about, yet, Steph brought it up three times in 2 weeks. Once on New Year's Eve, once a week later and then again in front of our new friend Claire who I'm quite certain thinks we are drunken deviants.

Despite that, however, she showed up on Saturday for game night. She must be a glutton for punishment. Also she sat by me, and I would not let her take a break from telling me her life story. I can be very pushy when I have decided I want to be friends with someone. I will get in your face until you like me dammit. Also can I just say Pictionary rules. If you haven't played lately, I suggest you do. Watching your friends figure out how to draw things is the best thing ever. For example, Sharda had to draw "ice chest", and she drew ice (I don't remember how) and then drew huuuuge boobs. It was X-rated and brilliant because we guessed it. I had to draw "New Jersey", and I drew the United States and circled approximately where I thought New Jersey might be. It's on the right, right? By the way, my picture of the US excluded Florida. Like I just forgot it was there. Then I drew this:

'What the hell is that?' you're asking. If you're Matt, you yell out "New Jersey!" because you have immediately figured out that that is Snookie. Greatest drawing ever? Maybe. You can see my Pictionary drawing skills match my MS Paint skills.

Sunday was poker night at my friend Mike's house where I met an awesome hairdresser who told me I had pretty hair then I got wasted and called a bunch of my coworkers-including several managers-pussies. I'm expecting a pink slip soon.*

Monday was book club which involved lots of wine, girl talk, TV talk and hot guy talk. Oh and book talk. That's never the focus of our book club, though. I mean let's get serious. This book was about the Holocaust so it was a real laugh riot.

Since I've been a bad blogger-I think maybe I have writer's block, no joke-here is a bonus picture of me as a kid executing the greatest cartwheel ever:

Just look at that form. I mean one of my feet is even off the ground a little bit. Prodigy! P.S. My sister was wearing the same leotard in pink. Also we had matching legwarmers.

*Just kidding, Mom and Dad.

Maybe I don't need you to post every single thought as you have it

2011-01-11T00:33:00.002-05:00

It actually feels like three people are simultaneously smashing my head in with sledgehammers right now so I pre-apologize for my brevity. And also ugh, you guys. This Arizona shooting is just...ugh. It's so depressing. I needed a break from reality. So I just spent an hour reading Your Status is Annoying. I am totally obsessed with this site, and I found out it's run by a Clevelander which makes me very proud. It compiles real life annoying Facebook statuses. Come on-we all have friends on Facebook whose statuses are literally the worst. Well thanks to this site, you have a chance to take anonymous revenge by sending the offender's worst statuses to be posted and mocked for the entire world to see. Awesome. I wish I had thought of it. A warning: There's a good chance you'll be truly saddened by the butchering of the English language by some of our society's younger members. We're doomed. That is essentially what I'm trying to say. Our future is going to hell in a handbasket. However, that may not matter since...

...the world is for sure ending, right? Birds falling from the sky, thousands of fish suddenly dying, floods in Australia, ice storms in the south. I mean this is it. Time to complete those bucket lists, gang. The end is

P.S. Are Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds dating? Is this really happening? I should be more outraged on behalf of Scarlett since they literally just announced their divorce-you know female solidarity and all-but I can't help it. I am super excited. Sandy and Ryan might be the cutest pairing ever. I mean besides me and Ryan.

Welcome to the other side

2011-01-03T23:45:00.005-05:00

I have strategically placed this picture first to make sure none of you can be mad at me for not posting all week. You can't be mad! Cute baby wrapped up under the tree!

So I took a vacation from, well, everything. I had a week off of work, and it was glorious. I fell into an abyss of sleeping in, getting stuff done on my house and Netflix streaming. You guys, seriously. Netflix streaming. Why have I just discovered this? First I find they are streaming Veronica Mars, and now I see that they are streaming all seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Hello! Go relive the magic. (I'm assuming we all watched both of these when they were on since they were AWESOME.)

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday. Mine was fantastic as usual. On Christmas Eve we ate chop suey-a traditional Christmas Eve dinner...for the cast of "A Christmas Story". Then my sister, Drew and I got into our matching shirts and went to bed. You wish I was kidding, don't you. I'm not. We have matching shirts from our Reindeer Run race last year. We wear them on Christmas. We are losers. If I ever get a boyfriend, we're going to have to get new shirts. I totally set it up like I was going to say, "If I ever get a boyfriend, we'll have to stop with the matching shirts", but I went the opposite direction. I'm sure handing him a shirt that the three of us are already wearing won't scare him away.

Having Trevor with us this year was absolutely amazing. He obviously had no idea what was going on and he slept most of the day, but just having him there elevated the day. I mean he had a Santa hat on. A baby sized Santa hat! Also he smiles now-real smiles and not just because he has gas. It's the best thing ever. I say that a lot of things are the best thing ever, but this is actually the best thing ever.

As you all know, New Year's in my nemesis. I've laid out the reasons why in the past. But this year, we decided not to stress about our plans, to treat it like any other night out with friends. And it worked. It was actually...*gulp*...fun. Some highlights:

- Steph didn't make us eat the ass bread. Well, not exactly anyway. She brought actual soft pretzels instead of pure ass in a pretzel shape so it tasted good. Matt talked her into it. Thank you, Matt. Seriously...thank you.

- Not really a highlight, more just a fact: Due to something called "the stomach flu", Diane and Drew weren't able to come out. But silver lining: New Year's Redo, anyone?

- Again not a highlight per se, but poor Steph had an asthma attack, and Matt had to go get her inhaler. While she was on the sidewalk hacking and almost dying from lack of oxygen, strangers walked by and told her she should quit smoking. Helpful.

- Meg cried at midnight because she "felt so blessed to have such awesome people in her life". I also think it's because she "was so drunk."

- I kissed hot dudes. Okay they were the guys we came with but whatever. I'm counting it.

- This is how Steph ordered a drink for me at one point: "If you were a freshman in college and wanted to get a girl drunk who doesn't drink, what would you make? Make that." The bartender nodded and then made me some fruity drink that tasted like it came straight from heaven. I had 2 more of those puppies.

So now it's 2011. Only one more year till the world ends. According to John Cusack anyway. Steph says a new year is a chance for a clean slate, for renewal and reinvention. I'm thinking I should reinvent myself as Ryan Reynolds new wife. Also I should learn to ice skate since it was on my "Things to do before I'm 30" list, and if I don't learn it soon I'm running a real risk of breaking a hip if I fall. Other goals include: learning to juggle, watching an Oscar nominated movie without falling asleep, blogging more frequently, making my fat roll talk to people at parties less frequently and buying more tennis shoes with laces that require I bend over to put them on. No I'm joking about that last one. Obviously.

What are your goals for the last year on Earth (thanks Mayans!)?

Christmas Pre-show

2010-12-23T23:18:00.011-05:00

Hey so...Christmas Eve is tomorrow. I think I speak for every old person when I say, "How the fuck is it Christmas Eve already?" Okay some of you probably would've left out the f-bomb, but I captured the sentiment correctly, I think. Also, stop being a pussy and just use the f-bomb.

Here's what I've been up to:

- Two weeks ago we went to the Christmas Story house. If you're in town, it's worth a quick look, but honestly it's overrated. The best part is looking at it from the outside with the leg lamp in the window. It's also fun to obnoxiously yell out quotes from the movie while other people are trying to enjoy their tour of the house and museum. Try to go with Steph who will complain about how boring it is the entire time. She was so angry with us for making her go. It made it all worth it. After that, we went to Great Lakes Brewing Company. Then Bazaar Bizarre to see our friends CLE Clothing Company and Lindsayknits. You should buy stuff from them because they are awesome and make quality things. Also they are all really cute people. After that it was Reddstone then YOLO Wine bar. Then we went to The Harp. Basically what I'm saying is we kind of did an impromptu pub crawl, and it was awesome. My 5 week old nephew was with us for everything but the Christmas Story house. He loves to party. I love him so much it hurts. Steph couldn't go to The Harp with us because she had to go officiate a wedding.

...

???

Oh sorry do you have questions about that? Well, first of all, you read it right. Steph-my little red-headed pistol of a friend who 5 years ago got ordained over the Internet-married two of her friends at a restaurant 2 weeks ago. Let it sink in. I'll wait.

Here's how I found out: Steph and I were supposed to be in a "modern day sleigh ride" parade that night. Basically people with convertibles drive down the street with the top down, waving while Christmas music plays. Totally normal thing to do. So a few days before that was supposed to happen, I got this text message: "Can't do the open sleigh ride convertible Saturday. I have to perform a wedding at the [restaurant name redacted]. You read that correctly. Sorry! You can take my car tho and go without me."

I literally cannot tell you how many questions flooded my mind. I was so overwhelmed with the need for more detail that I had to take time to compose my response. Essentially what happened was a couple of her friends decided to get married on a whim, and Steph reminded them that she was Internet ordained. That's all it took.

How does this happen in real life? Because she is Steph. And her life is not normal. She finally admitted it after this. A few things:

1. She married them before their appetizers came.
2. She forgot to do the rings.
3. She put the wrong date on the marriage certificate.
4. She wore a kimono.

I know you have a hundred more questions, but I have no answers for you. This is just...how it is. Have I mentioned before that I love Steph? You guys seriously need to find your own. It is too much fun.

- Our annual Girls Christmas party was last Friday. As usual it was filled with lots of wine, food and high pitched screams. I don't know what the deal is with women, but when we get together our voices just get higher and higher. What is that about? Anyway, champagne was flowing that night. Mostly through my veins. I mean I drank A LOT of it. A lot. Like thinking about how much is almost embarassing. It makes sense because I was hosting. It's always good when the host is the drunkest person at the party. People love going to parties with an asshole in charge. I'm sure everyone loved it when, toward the end of the party, I blasted Jason Derulo and sang at the top of my lungs. It was really Christmasy. Other highlights: Meg ballet dancing to "The Twelve Days of Christmas" as sung by John Denver and the Muppets, Carrie screaming about how much she loves Taylor Dane. I know there were other highlights but my gawd I drank a lot of champagne.

[ed. note]: Why aren't you listening to "We Are Golden" by Mika right now? It's so awesome.

- Steph had a Christmas party on Saturday after Diane somehow convinced her to at the last minute. It was a wine tasting party. We did this a couple years ago, and it was a complete drunken cluster. Everyone brings a wine-white or red-two bottles of the same brand. Then we wrap one up, and everyone tastes them all and picks their favorite red and favorite white. Whoever brings the winning wine, wins all the extra bottles. Two years ago, I won the white contest. This year I won the white contest again. I don't want to brag, but EAT IT, LOSER FRIENDS. I'm just saying this is now like "my thing": winning things at parties. Woody doesn't drink wine so he brought Boone's Farm. Obviously. It was entered into the white contest so guess what that means? Yep-I won a bottle of Boone's Farm. Like that's punishment. Please. I live for cheap girly wine. They might as well call it Sarah's Farm. I hope they don't, though. Trevor was at this party, too. I'm not kidding-at 6 weeks he has a busier social life than I do. Also look what Steph uses as a water dish for her dog:

[ed. note]: TV related stuff: Stupid Christmas episode of "The Office" was great. I wanted to be all whiny about how it's not the same show, and then it was amazing. Stupid Dwight with his decoy snowmen making me pee my pants laughing and stupid Jim making me cry at his reaction to Pam's gift, and Daryl has a daughter (!), and Michael breaking down in the parking lot then walking Pam back inside so she wouldn't slip and then dressing up as Santa Claus. Ugh. So good! What am I going to complain about, Office!? Oh how about "Gossip Girl"? Serena is awful. Like 100% awful and nothing else. Blair is amazing. Also the right group won "The Sing-Off", right? I totally voted for them. So far, I'm on a 2 for 2 streak of picking the winner. This clearly means I should be a judge on the show and that I should have sex with Nick Lachey. Dude. Is. Hot.

- Last night was Christmas Happy Hour(s) at Meg's place. This party also came to be after Diane convinced Meg to have it. What is up with Diane talking people into having parties? It's awesome. I think it's so she can easily bring Trev. He was at this one, too. The girls fight over who gets to hold him. They time each other and call "next". I'm okay with it because when I'm around him when it's just the family, I'm a shameless baby hog. I don't even care. Give him to me. Anyway Meg had decided she had too much wine at home and wanted help drinking it. Well we are really caring friends, and Meg needed our help so what choice did we have? She needed us. I was told this morning that we finished off about 15 bottles. Holy hell. We also had alcohol infused whipped cream. Have you guys tried this stuff? It's amazing. Why did it take so long for this to be invented? We were eating the chocolate kind out of little chocolate shot glasses along with some Bailey's. At one point (after several glasses of wine, I should add), I decided I just wanted the whipped cream so I just put some of it on my hand and ate it with my finger. So did Matt-only he didn't use any fingers. It was just all kinds of wrong. Let's leave it at that. The best part? It stained my hand. Take a look:

Oh yeah-it looked like someone took a dump on my hand. What's worse is that I was eating the whipped cream with my right index finger, and that finger had the same color stain. So not only did it look like someone pooped on my hand, but it also looked like I stuck my finger up someone's ass. It's really too bad that it eventually came off (after 27 washings) because I think it would've been interesting to see my coworkers' reactions to this. "Sarah, what's on your hand?" "Oh...it's...I mean...I went to a party last night. It got...weird."

I think poopstain hands is as good a time as any to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas and/or Happy December 25th. I realize I've been a bad blogger, but my resolution for 2011 is to pick up the pace again. I appreciate all of you very much. This year, as you know, is an extra special holiday at the Okay Seriously house because of the addition of my nephew Trevor. I can't even begin to explain the impact his arrival has had on me. Life without him is no longer a reality I want to think about ever. And he's not even my son. I'm sure those kinds of feelings are tenfold when it's your own kid. Bonus previously unthought of impact: When my sister and I go shopping we get to park in these spots now:

Even though Trev will have no idea what's happening on Christmas Day, just having him there is going to make this an absolutely amazing Christmas. I truly and sincerely hope for the same kind of holiday for you all.

I'll meet you back here after the big day, and then we can stop being grateful for everything we have and start bitching about how New Year's is the worst holiday ever known to man.

P.S. I got a couple new watches for my birthday, and John said, "Maybe I should get a watch." And I was like, "You should. You're almost 40." Then he said, "Well I have a Blackberry so I just get the time from that." Then this happened:

Love you all.

Hack this!

2010-12-16T00:20:00.000-05:00

I'm sure there was a huge panic on the interweb today when 3 of you came to this blog and were met with a "this blog has been removed" message. I was hacked, y'all. (I'm using y'all because I'm currently listening to a Kenny Chesney song.) Dinner was definitely not purchased for me before this violation took place which is some serious bullshit.  But don't worry-I'm still here...not updating regularly.

Some things we need to talk about:

1. So I don't particularly miss having my mind fucked every week by "Lost", but I do miss doing my recaps. And I miss Matthew Fox on my tv with a stubbly beard. There are still some good shows on, but not like that one, right? I think "The Event" is testing me to see just how little I can care about characters in a TV show. I had to let that one go as I realized a couple weeks ago in the middle of an episode, 'Hey you know what? I just really don't give a shit.' I am still loving "Hawaii Five-0". I think this is for several reasons: 1) It's a procedural drama on CBS-the old people's network, and I am old now, 2) I like cop shows, 3) Just...he's so hot. Alex O'Loughlin is seriously just so so hot. And I love "Cougar Town", "Modern Family" and "Community". They're all so effing hysterical.  Seriously I will marry Troy on "Community". He is perfect every single week.

2.  Ryan Reynold and Scarlett Johansson, right?? In my mind they never really made sense which is an intelligent and kind thing to say seeing as I don't know either of them at all. But I mean I will still sit here and judge them from my recliner while eating York Peppermint Patties. Anyway, she seems blah. He seems perfect in every single way imaginable. So...inevitable?

3. Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron!! This is SHOCKING! Also, kids, what are you doing breaking up at the same time as Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson? You need better timing if you want to be on the cover of a magazine.

4. Tell me you guys are watching "The Sing Off". Because it is amazing. I was obsessed with it last season, and I am so happy it's back. Fellow viewers, the old timers should not be on this show, right? Jerry whatever his name is? He's like an actual Motown singer. How is this fair that now he gets to be on an amateur competition? The judges never say anything bad to him because he's like some legend or something. Whatever! Get an actual record deal and let some younger kids just starting out win this! Also the full group version of "Use Somebody" last week was so good I almost peed. Who's with me? I can't stop talking about it.

5. Tonight we went to see Straight No Chaser in concert. If you ever get the chance to see them, do it. They are so talented and really funny and entertaining. Plus guys who can sing are hot. Oh also if you have the chance, start drinking vodka at 3:30pm and then continue to drink vodka and wine until the concert starts. Because that's what I did, and now I have same day hangover (SDH). SDH doesn't feel good, but that's somewhat offsetted by the fact that, deep inside, I know it's really funny.

Okay Seriously's Gift Guide

2010-12-10T00:27:00.000-05:00

A lot of you are regular readers of my dear friend, Johnny Virgil. If you are, you know he's absolutely hilarious and a very talented writer. When I say he's my friend, I actually mean he's my friend. We knew each other "in real life" before we started the blogging thing. Because of that, I can tell you that a) he's the real deal, b) he's wonderful in real life, too, c) he listens to good music and d) he once left me a voicemail consisting only of the most annoying sound ever in the whole world.

Well, JV has written a book. Like an actual book. It's full of true stories from his childhood-some you've read on the blog, some you haven't. If you're a regular reader, you know that the stories about his childhood are his best ones. The man paints a picture like no one's business.

Yes okay maybe I'm slightly biased. But people with talent should be supported, and JV has it in spades. Reading this book will make you happy. I know it with all my heart. If only there were some kind of holiday coming up for which buying a book as a present would make perfect sense.

If such a holiday exists, here's how you can obtain a copy or 20:
- Buy it from JV's Createspace store
- Buy it from Amazon
- Buy the Kindle version

Look at all those choices! Could it be any easier to buy this book? No, Chandler Bing. It could not.

Speaking of supporting people with talent, I recently beat my 83 year old grandmother at Mexican Train, so...you know. Eat it, Grandma.

Also be on the lookout for my book "101 Ways to Look Busy at Work But Not Actually Be Working". Man-wouldn't that be an awesome book? Or maybe I'll write one called "Whatever-I Totally Did Not Drink a Bottle of Wine by Myself on my Birthday Just to Numb the Pain of Aging and the Realization That My Life is Passing Me By". I'm kidding, family. I mean about why I drank the wine. I definitely drank the wine, though.

Buy Johnny Virgil's book!!

Can I skip tomorrow?

2010-12-05T23:16:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow is my 34th birthday. And I would just like to say: FUCK THIS AGING NONSENSE. Note: I'm not handling this birthday well. At least I will be spending it with my sister and nephew. And old "Veronica Mars" episodes. Man how much do we miss that show, Internet? Am I right or am I right? Give me some Logan Echolls immediately.

In my honor tomorrow, can you guys please bitch about how Daughtry and Santana have completely ruined the greatest song ever written?? Cuz this is some serious bullshit. I honestly don't even know what to say about this. You can't improve on perfection, people. Why would you even attempt to create a better recording of this? IT CANNOT BE DONE. Santana, I almost expect this from you. But Daughtry? Why? You're a hitmaker. Your songs are awesome. Why did you do this to me? I feel betrayed. And I'm angry. Oh I'm angry. The first time I heard it I was in my car. My sister called, and we had this conversation:

Diane: "Um...are you listening to the radio?"
Me: "No I'm listening to my ipod."
Diane: "Okay turn your radio to 104.1 and just try to stay calm."
Me: "Okay weirdo."
I change the channel. Pause.
Me: "WHAT. THE. FUCK. IS. THIS."
My head explodes.

So yeah if you could spend tomorrow complaining about this, that would be an awesome birthday present. I think tomorrow's a good day for Trevor to hear this song for the first time. He's already familiar with Flo Rida. Time to go old school.

P.S. Another good birthday present would be if you could somehow introduce me to Def Leppard. Also an iPad.

Green Beans are my bitch

2010-12-01T00:39:00.019-05:00

I know everyone (Nessa) is dying to know how my first year actually making something for Thanksgiving went. Let's take a look at the scoreboard:

Number of fingers lost: 0
Number of burns: 0
Number of family members who got sick after eating said casserole: 0
Number of panic attacks: 2

Green bean casserole master, thy name is Sarah

About that last number...one of the things that makes cooking so difficult for me is that I really honestly don't understand it. I have no concept of why certain ingredients should go together, how cooking times are determined-none of it. That's why I can't just "eyeball" ingredients or make things without a recipe. It is endlessly frustrating to be so incredibly inept at something-especially something essential to everyday life and something by which I'm completely fascinated. So because of this frustration, I tend to panic while cooking. A lot.

My first attack was the night before Thanksgiving when I was pulling out a casserole dish. I kept thinking I had the wrong size because it was so small. Then I looked at my recipe and realized it served 6. We had 10 people coming. Freak Out #1 began. I did the only obvious thing when you realize you don't have enough ingredients. I called my mom. I'm sure in her head she was like, "Explain to me why you're calling me instead of just heading to the store to buy more stuff?" But she didn't say that to me. Instead she calmed me down and made me see that this was just not that big of a deal. So yeah, I was totally at the grocery store the day before Thanksgiving. There was no one there. And by no one I mean everyone in the entire world. I seriously almost had to cut a bitch by the green beans.

The second panic attack was while it was cooking on Thanksgiving day. First of all, I had to assemble the casserole 3 minutes after a bunch of my family members showed up. Naturally they wanted to talk to me to find out how I was doing which meant 5 people were literally standing and watching me make it. My anxiety level was through the roof. I immediately began sweating. The thing is, everyone in my family knows that I am not a great cook. So I felt a lot of pressure to get it right-all completely in my head, of course. My family never had a doubt everything would be fine. Anyway after it was in the oven for 15-20 minutes, it wasn't setting up. It was still soupy, and that is where I really began to lose it. See I made a creative choice to use French cut green beans rather than just the regular green beans. I thought they'd look "more elegant" (green bean casserole is really elegant). I was convinced the casserole was too liquidy all because I used the other kind of green beans, and I had just ruined everyone's Thanksgiving and I was officially a horrible cook/person. This is why I am totally insane. Because it took me less than 5 minutes to go from a little worried to "I am a bad person." My aunt was like, "It will set up once it's out of the oven. Calm down." And she was right. How did she know that? How can I be someone who knows things like that? Damn you, cooking!

Anyway, when it finally came time to eat it, it was absolutely delicious. In fact, my dad decided not to have seconds this year because he's trying to lose weight. However, he had seconds of the green bean casserole. It was probably more out of fatherly support, but I appreciated it anyway.

Even though most of my friends said that green bean casserole is ridiculously easy to make, I still feel a great sense of accomplishment. I mean that's not saying much. I feel a great sense of accomplishment when I remember to unplug my hair straightener in the morning. But still. I made something with ingredients, people ate it, no one died. Mission accomplished.

A warning to all family and friends: I will now make this for every single food-related event from now on.

I fully expect this dramatic Thanksgiving story to be turned into a made-for-TV movie. Or at the very least to be on an upcoming episode of "Law & Order"-ripped from the headlines style.

How was everyone's Thanksgiving?

Music related but not Thanksgiving related P.S.:

1. "The Time" by The Black Eyed Peas might be the worst song in the entire universe. Not only is it just terrible in and of itself, but it also managed to ruin a classic song in the process. I just...I feel violated when I hear it. F-.

2. I think it's highly possible Jason Derulo is just a computer generated creation-like that movie "S1m0ne" where a woman-completely computer generated-becomes a huge movie star. But I just can't help myself: I freaking love Jason Derulo and his possibly digital ass. Sometimes he sings his own name. Awesome.

Thanksgiving Day marching orders

2010-11-24T00:53:00.000-05:00

Thanksgiving is in 2 days even though by my internal clock it feels like it should still be July of like 2007. This Thanksgiving is a big one, you guys. Sure it's my nephew's first, but that's not really what I'm talking about.

This year...my duties have been upgraded.

As you know, in past years my sister and I have been assigned "the relish tray". Pickles, olives. This is the extent of my mother's trust. Two years ago my sister got called up to the majors-dessert. At that time, I imagined a day I would be allowed near the kitchen in order to do more than just stir the gravy. That day has come. This year's assignment:

Green bean casserole

I don't need to tell you that this means a recipe, ingredients, oven time. This is it, you guys.

Now, is it true that I will be making this at my parents' house with my mother 3 feet away? Yes. As Johnny Virgil said, "It's like you're skydiving with the instructor attached to your back." Actually it's more like I'm just in one of those wind machines, attached to the ceiling by wires with a picture of a sky in the background. But no matter, there is an oven involved. The threat of injury still exists and the threat of ruining a Thanksgiving dish still exists...kind of. But not really.

By the way, I already had to call my mom from the grocery store to ask her about buying the right kind of green beans. Oh yeah. I'm ready.

Everyone wish me luck. Oh and while you're at it have a wonderful Thanksgiving full of love and family and friends and well made green bean casserole.

Living by the sword

2010-11-16T00:35:00.000-05:00

So Steph writes letters. I've told you that before, I think. It's what she does. Whether it's to commend or to complain, she's just a letter-writer. I'm just saying the mayor might have a file on her. She is also a Cavs season ticket holder. The Cavs have a new sound effect when you're in the arena. They play it after a free throw is made. The sound is two swords being rubbed together. And yes-I mean that literally. It is not a euphemism, but I forgive you for automatically assuming that because I totally giggled as I typed it out.
Anyway, I don't go to a lot of Cavs games even though I adore them. I'm just more of a football kind of girl. So I haven't heard this noise, but apparently it is awful. According to Steph and Meg it's really a piercing, grating-on-the-ears horror of a noise, like nails on a chalkboard. They actually found themselves kind of hoping the Cavs would not make free throws.

So after the game, Steph sent the Cavs an email. I have not received permission to reprint the email. Nor have I received permission to tell this story which is why after I hit 'Publish' I am leaving the country and assuming a new identity. Anyway, she sent them an email explaining her love for the Cavs and the issues she had with the sound effect. She even offered up some suggestions for different sounds that could replace the swords, such as the battle cry of a cavalier. Obviously we all know what that sounds like. I am always imitating the battle cry of a cavalier. Question: The battle cry of a cavalier is screaming the lyrics to "Club Can't Handle Me" by Flo Rida while sitting in rush hour traffic, right?

Anyway, she sent this email, and the Cavs emailed her back that night! They thanked her for her great feedback and explained that they would be playing with the volume and the richness of the sound. Then they called her the next day and told her to let them know how the changes work. If they don't, they want to know so they can come up with some new sound effects. Okay first of all, hell yeah, Cavs organization. Way to listen to the fans and take this stuff seriously. You are awesome. Second of all, Steph wrote an email to the Cavs, and they called her.

After telling us this story, Steph said, "I guess it's true-the pen is mightier than the sword." Then I punched her in the face. No actually I cried laughing because now that I am really old, I love cheesy jokes and people saying things that are a play on words.

I guess I need to start writing letters. I kind of thought posting it on the Internet on a site that as many as 6 people read would do it, but apparently not. The Cavs have never written me.

I am too lazy to do a segue so...

What the eff is up with The Office lately? Is it just me or is it stinking up the fake TV world that I pretend is real because I need professional help? It's really been disappointing. And I am really sad about it. Am I the only one who thinks this? Come on, Office! Don't you remember Shun-Unshun? The beet farm bed and breakfast? Let's get back to the funny!

Also

I'm in love

2010-11-08T00:01:00.002-05:00

Big news in the Okay Seriously world. Big. Huge. Right, Pretty Woman? Please meet my new best friend, Trevor:

Those of you who follow my Twitter feed know that Trevor is my new nephew. We can still call him Thunder, though. In fact, when I sent out my baby announcement text to everyone, my friend AJ wrote: "You could say Aunt Sarah has been thunder struck!" Awesome.

Some facts about Trevor:

- He was born on Friday, November 5th.

- He was 7lb 7oz and 21 inches long.

- He likes his hands up by his face and one in his mouth.

- He poops a lot.

- He was born via c-section.

- He chowed down within about 20 minutes of being born, proving he is Drew's son.

- He was born on the 55th anniversary of the day Dr. Emmett Brown invented time travel.

- He is the cutest baby in the entire universe.

My sister handled labor like a champ-and a sailor. Lots of swearing, people. It was hard watching her in so much pain but hilarious every time she yelled "motherfucker!" One time, mid-contraction, she stopped and yelled at me for eating an unhealthy breakfast. The epidural they gave her made her so happy. After a few hours of labor, though, it was clear Trevor was in some distress as his heartrate kept dropping. So they took her back and got him out which was good because the cord was around his neck. When he came out and they set him down, he immediately grabbed the clamp that was laying near him.

Diane and Drew didn't cry that much. I cried about 17 times. But seriously can you blame me? Look at him! He's perfect!

I mean for real. So this was my entire weekend. Aunt Sarah in poor Trev's face taking picture after picture. I'm so happy, you guys, I don't even know what to do.

Welcome to the world, little Trevor. You've been blessed with two awesome parents and lots of family who all love you and will do anything for you. I can't wait to watch you grow up and discover all the new and exciting things there are to see. Especially hair bands. This is going to be fun.

P.S. Don't forget everybody-Conan is back tomorrow. It's too much happiness for me to capture in one post. Diane is very excited that Trevor was born right around the time of Conan's "rebirth".

Happy Halloween! How the hell is it November already!

2010-11-02T00:25:00.001-04:00

Please guess what's happening in this picture:

That would be my brother-in-law, Drew, bobbing for apples. "But Drew's not 10", you're saying. I know, I know. But Saturday was Suz and AJ's annual Halloween party, and Suz has wanted to do bobbing for apples for the past 5 years, and AJ has talked her out of it. But she finally got her way this year, and I can honestly say my stomach still hurts from laughing so hard. Watching your friends bob for apples should be its own workout regimen.

You're probably wondering why it looks like Drew is wearing pajamas. He is dressed as a bowling pin. My sister, obviously, was a bowling ball.

As you know, for the past three years I have won the Halloween trivia contest at this party thus drawing the ire and jealousy of my friends/sore losers. However, Saturday I woke up feeling different. I knew it was over. And I was right. I did not win the trivia contest. I happily passed my torch of victory to our friend Tony. Then I quietly told him to watch his back while walking to his car later that night. Despite my loss, I tied for second place in the costume contest and won a prize. Also my friend Tom had to leave early, and he said if he won anything he wanted me to have his prize. What I'm trying to say is, for someone who lost, I sure brought home a lot of prizes. How does that feel, friends? Even when I lose, I win. Eat it.

My costume? I was a deviled egg. I don't have a picture of me in the costume, but here it is on my living room floor:

I put some small pieces of red tissue paper on the "yolk" to be the paprika, and then this whole thing went over my head like a sandwich board. This is a pretty sexy costume.

Halloween night we handed out candy on my sister's front lawn...and on the news. Yes. We were on the news. They were on my sister's street getting shots of little kids in their costumes. Then the cameraman came over and set up his tripod on the corner of my sister's lawn and pointed the camera at us. I didn't actually see the footage which is totally fine with me seeing as I was wearing a dorky Halloween sweatshirt that I have had for 15 years (seriously) and was stuffed into like 3 layers of clothing making me look like I weighed 500 pounds. When I got to work today there was an email from a coworker that was sent to my entire team. The subject line was "Sarah was on the news. In a horrible sweatshirt." Okay I made up that second sweatshirt line. Thank God I didn't have on my usual headband with the light up pumpkins.

Oh also...

That is ALoyd's devil tail. ALoyd, I just put your ass on the Internet.

Baby Baby Baby

2010-10-26T00:08:00.001-04:00

Hey, gang (this is how my dad would greet you). As you can see from my post earlier today, I have a new toy/boyfriend. I bought myself a Droid 2. It is amazing. I am so obsessed with it I almost died 3 times today because I wasn't paying attention while I was walking. You guys, for real, there's a very real chance I will never do anything else again.

Warning: It's about to get girly up in here. It's time for a nephew update. He is due in 15 days. I am so excited I could throw up. As of October 15th, the doctor predicted he weighed 6lb 2oz. Also he jams his butt up into Diane's ribs and punches her in her va-jay-jay. He is also laying on her bladder so she has to pee every 2 hours. Pregnancy sounds fun.

We had the baby shower a few weeks ago. The theme was the same theme they picked for their bedding. Drew wanted jungle animals, and Diane wanted sports because she's kind of a boy. So they found bedding that is jungle animals playing sports. It is adorable. Everything baby is adorable. I predict I will be taking out a second mortgage on my home and/or selling my body for money by July of next year because I cannot stop buying presents for Thunder.

Anywho, the shower. We put up some of the wallpaper border that matches the bedding in the party room so everyone could see what it looks like. This was my idea, and it is essentially the most creative idea I've ever had. You can see the wallpaper here under the mantle:

Our centerpieces were all these stuffed jungle animals holding balls (ahahahaha-grow up, you guys). They were holding footballs, soccer balls and basketballs, and then we had green and blue balloons tied to them. For the favors we made my mom's famous cut out cookies in the shape of hippos, elephants and giraffes.

Drew's mom got the cake. The woman who made it is amazing because this seriously looks exactly like the bedding.

Diane and Drew were both ridiculously cute babies. That's my sis on the left and Drew on the right.

Check out this lady...

She has grown exponentially since then. Basically what I'm saying is, she is huge. I mean it's only her belly that is big, but it. is. huuuuge.

Look what I made while we were making the cookies:

Ahahahaha-The Hippo Centipede.

Testes 1...2...3?

2010-10-25T16:57:00.001-04:00

I'm blogging from my new Droid 2. If this works, we are golden.

Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.3

I be illin'

2010-10-19T23:29:00.001-04:00

I have some SHOCKING news for you: I'm sick. I know. Let it sink in. "But, Sarah," you're saying. "You're always so healthy. You've only been sick like 17 times in the last year." Seriously here is my reaction to this latest illness: This is some serious bullshit. How many effing times am I going to need antibiotics in a calendar year? Cuz this is the third. I will punch my immune system right in its...throat, I guess. Normally you'd be like, "No don't attack your immune system because it will attack you back" but apparently mine won't, you guys.

Anyway, on top of feeling like absolutely crap, this is John's last week at my office.   Some of you know John aka Shop Dungarees. I've talked about him many times before. He's one of my very best friends. We met 9 years ago and were friends almost instantly. I eat lunch with him every day, and, truthfully, most days he's the only reason I get through the day without losing my soul completely.

Well, he got a new job. A promotion, actually, that he really deserves and is a long time coming. He has not been happy at his job for at least 2 years and watching your best friend be that miserable day in and day out is incredibly hard. So this new job is not only a great opportunity for my co-worker, John Dungarees, but is also a relief for my friend, Buttcolk Baby Arm. I feel a weight lifted knowing he'll be in a better situation. I'm just so so happy for him.

However-and you knew there would be a catch-this new job means he will be working in a different building, one not close to mine. That means after 9 years of seeing each other pretty much every single day, well, we won't be anymore. The number of times I have cried over this is ridiculous.  Also no less than 7 people have come up to me and asked, "I heard about John's promotion. Are you okay?" That is not normal. But people are just used to seeing us together, and they know how close we are, and I'm fairly sure 40-50% of people at work think we are having an affair. When Scott was still here, I think people were taking bets about which one I was sleeping with. (Answer: both)

John was nice enough to create a visual depiction of our everyday lunch crew and how it has changed over the years:

Sarah John Scott Wayne SpecialDark Danielle
Sarah John Scott Wayne SpecialDark
Sarah John Scott Wayne
Sarah John Scott
Sarah John
Sarah

This really helped me feel better about the situation. Thanks, John. Please everyone picture me slumped down in my cube slowly eating string cheese with a tear running down my face because that is my fate.

Despite how sad I am, I am staying positive because I don't want to bring John down during this exciting time. Also we are not just work friends. We are real friends, and I have a lot of real friends that I don't get to see every day, and it doesn't make us any less close. I mean we still work for the same company, his building isn't so far from downtown that I can't drive out there for lunch sometimes plus it's only 10 minutes from my house which means I'll see him on days that I work from home. That's still makes me luckier than most people.  Also it's not like he's moving to New York like some other jerk I know (IiiU, Scotty).

Sigh...I'm sad and sick and want my mommy. Can someone knock me out until this week is over?

Picture time

2010-10-12T00:32:00.000-04:00

Saturday my family and I went to Amish country. Can I just say every time I go there I spend the next few nights sitting up worrying about the Amish people getting hit by cars? Come on, Amish people! Please build your buggies out of something more sturdy! We spent several hours going to stores and eating amazing Amish food, and this is the only picture I took. Because I am a 13 year old boy.

A couple Sundays ago we threw my sister and Drew a baby shower. It was really fun-especially when Drew, in all sincerity, called a teething ring a "chew toy". Please check out what I got them:

Holy crap. Look I know I'm the one who bought it so I am biased, but I seriously can't even deal with how awesome that is. I sent this picture to my friend Sudha, and he wrote back, "Oh man that is awesome!! Can you imagine how old those guys will be when we take him to his first concert?"

Three weeks ago, we went to a Browns game. I parked in the street at my sister's place and rode down with them. When we got back to the house, there was a note on my sister's door. You can probably guess where this is going. Diane's neighbor backed into my brand new car. I was so sad, I couldn't even go look at it so Drew volunteered to. To be fair, the woman who hit it came running out when we pulled up and apologized profusely. Plus she left a note. A lot of people wouldn't have done that. She was very sweet, and I could tell she was upset. I obviously wasn't mad at her. I mean seriously-with my driving history? I have no room to be angry at anyone. While it was being fixed, I had a rental car. You guys, I have spent time on this blog making fun of the Chevy HHR. I have spent lots of time in real life making fun of the Chevy HHR. Have a look at my rental car:

I asked the guy if they had anything else at all for me to drive, and he laughed in my face. Oh no wait-that was karma. Okay, I'm sure there are some Chevy HHR drivers out there, and in no way am I saying you and I couldn't be friends or that I would love you any less because you drive one of these. That being said...what's wrong with you? This car sucks more than anything has ever sucked before. Do we even need to talk about the body style? I mean, come on. And now that I have driven it, I can say with 100% confidence: This is the worst car ever invented. The windows are so small, I couldn't see anything around me. If I was at a stop light, I had to bend over so I could see when it turned green because my eyeline was literally above the top of the windshield. When I changed lanes on the highway, I flipped on the signal, said a prayer, and went for it. Meg sat in it, got out, walked up to me and said, "There are an awful lot of blind spots in that car. I'm not sure how I feel about you driving it." That's from Meg. Not my mom.

Obviously the first thing I did when I got the car was call my sister. I was like, "I feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me." She goes, "They are."

As I mentioned we went to a Browns game. Well each year when it's time to buy tickets, it's a really stressful clusterfuck because we always have a bigger group and you can only get 4 tickets at a time and we have to organize who's buying what, etc. This year, Diane called the group sales area to see if we could just buy all our tickets at once. Group sales are usually used by actual groups-like charities and churches and Browns backers from other cities. But they said if we could get enough people, then we could do it. Well we ended up with 27 people going, and the group sales made it so we all got to sit together which was amazing. The other thing about buying tickets through group sales? They put the name of your group on the Jumbotron. When Diane bought the tickets, they asked her what the name of our group was:

That's right. She said "Diane's Friends". I love my sister.

Meg's mash up

2010-09-30T00:24:00.003-04:00

I had kind of a rough day yesterday so when I walked into my sister's place last night, I was semi-faking my cheerfulness. However, within about 5 minutes, I was restored to pure happiness because of my friends. Let me explain.

Yesterday was Meg's birthday. All she wanted for her birthday was to watch the Britney Spears episode of "Glee" at someone's house with her friends while eating hot dogs and cake. And for a present? She wanted her friends to sing a Happy Birthday mash up. For those of you who don't watch "Glee", a mash up is where you take two different songs and combine them into one song. So, for example, on an episode of "Glee", the girls sang a mash up of "Halo" and "Walking on Sunshine", and it was awesome. That is what Meg wanted.

Friday, Steph sent out this email:

To: Peeps
From: Steph
Subject: Meg's bday present --- start a salt water gargle now, we will sing like angels or Sarah

Meg only wants a Glee Mashup song for her birthday present (this is much
more affordable than we all expected given Meg's taste of fine
living...:)). Her request is that it includes Happy Birthday.

I took the liberty of providing lyrics. Performance will be next Tuesday
during Glee watching birthday party. Sing with spirit and use jazz hands. (and no, I'm not
kidding).

Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you

You are the sunshine of my life
That's what I'll always be around
You are the apple of my eye
Forever you stay in my heart

Happy Birthday, Dear Meg
Happy Birthday to you

Sarah will lead with her voice of an angel and boys, follow Diane's lead,
feel free to throw in the harmony stuff I don't understand. This
will make Meg so happy and also, Glee is about Britney this week (the go to
password for all my computer systems at work) so you know I can't wait!

Again, nothing in this email is a joke, we are doing this! Yay!!!!!

I was the last to arrive to the party, and after I stuffed some Little Ceasar's pizza in my face (that's right-Little Ceasar's. What's up, early 90's?), Steph declared it was time for us to "give Meg her present". That is when Diane whipped out the video camera, and Lisa, who is a children's librarian, whipped out the musical instruments:

These are some awesomely old school, little kid instruments.

We took our places at one end of the room with Meg watching us from the other, I hummed a starting note and we began. And I really can't describe how awesome and hilarious it was. Just picture 10 people in their 30's singing a birthday mash up while playing elementary school instruments and waving their jazz hands. Is that even something you can picture?

All I know is, Meg loved it, none of us could stop laughing, and I fell in love with my friends all over again. Also I really need to get my hands on that video tape so I can delete the footage.

Also here is a reason I love my brother in law:

In case you can't read the sign in front of the pickles, it says: "Help yourself to some "Britney" spears."

On my way home I got this text message from Steph: "We aren't normal." No we are not. But in the best possible way.

Smart Talk About Love

2010-09-22T00:22:00.004-04:00

So somehow I just ended up on a site called Your Tango (what?) because I followed a link to a story about how Jaleel White (Urkel) is being accused of beating his baby mama. Obviously. Don't judge me. I was getting depressed reading about how the Senate blocked the repeal of the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy in the military (Absolutely disgusting, US government. Yes please risk your life for us, gay soldier, but shh-don't feel free to be who you are out in the open. Gross.) and how an 11 year old is being accused of murdering a 2 year old (I want to crawl into a dark hole reading things like this) so I needed to read some Urkel ridiculousness.

But seriously wtf is Your Tango? My post title is their tagline. And it totally seems like smart talk about love all over that site. Here are some examples of the articles I saw when I got there:

Dating Disaster: A Guy, A Girl, Her Gas

Sober Dating: How to Date Without Drinking [ed. note: Is this a joke?]

Why I Flirt With Everyone-Including Your Man

How to Fall In Love With Mr. Good Enough

Dating Disaster: I Kissed My Cousin [ed. note: Fucking ew.]

What Do Men Think About Hair Weaves?

Inside the National Cougar Convention [ed. note: There's a convention?? That. Is. Fantastic. My favorite quote from the article is from one of the college guys who went to the convention because he was bored. A lady he was dancing with turned to him and said: "It's okay, let Mama Cougar do all the talking."] [ed. note on my ed. note: I am frighteningly close to being a woman who attends this convention and says things like "Does this stimulate you?"-another actual cougar quote.]

Revealed: The Love Lives of Real-Life Vampires

Skip the Soulmate, Find a Trophy Husband

So obviously I bookmarked this site.

Hey, we will have a post dedicated to new TV after this week, but did anyone watch "Hawaii 5-0"? A few comments on this show:

1. It was awesome.
2. Aside from Friday Night Lights, it might have the hottest male cast on TV.
3. Jin!
4. Who the hell is Alex O'Loughlin, and where has he been all my life!? He is insanely gorgeous.
5. Seriously. Three main guys in the cast, all hot. Ladies, let's do this.

Krusty's 2010

2010-09-09T06:34:00.009-04:00

As usual the weather on Krusty's day was beautiful. It's like the universe knows how important that day is so it makes sure the weather is perfect. I was worried about getting weird tan lines right before I had to wear a strapless dress for Sharda's wedding so I brought like 20 kinds of sunscreen and put it on all of one time. Really if you take away the binge drinking, I was like the mom at Krusty's. In addition to the sunscreen, I brought hand sanitizer, Wet Ones, Aleve, toilet paper, paper towels, Off, Starburst and grapes-because "we need to eat some fruit".

Steph had to leave Krusty's pretty early on. The reason? She had to throw up. The reason? She was too hungover from the night before. Come on, Steph! Getting drunk the night before Krusty's? That's a rookie move. But also...hilarious.

Meg's brother taught us a new drinking game that you play with cards, and I drank so much within the first few minutes that I was actually scared. After we played it twice, Meg took a deep breath and said, "Maybe we should play something else." Look I know some of you don't know Meg, but if Meg thinks a drinking game is excessive then it's about 20 times more excessive than the normal person can handle.

Drew and Steph made up another game. There was a woman near us playing some game involving tossing. Unfortunately, the dress she was wearing didn't offer a lot of coverage, and when she would toss, sometimes her boob would pop out. For real. We were only at Krusty's for like a half hour when we first noticed. So obviously Drew and Steph immediately made the rule that any time they saw a boob, they took two drinks. Then more rules were added: drinks for seeing someone's underwear or butt cleavage, etc. We're pretty classy people who don't tell others when their body parts are hanging out. I'm just saying if you're ever in Cleveland, and you happen to notice that your skirt is tucked into your pantyhose or something, chances are good we are nearby drinking "in your honor".

I want to interject here and just say that my sister, who as you all know is pregnant, went to Krusty's despite not being able to drink and lasted all day long. She is a rock star. For real.

Music can make or break a party, and the bands this year were awesome. Lt. Dan's New Legs was absolutely fantastic, and if you get the chance to see them, do it. I was a dancing machine, and I only got beer spilled on me like 11 times. I also got hit in the head with a beach ball like 72 times. Can we just talk about the beach ball at concerts thing real quick? Why is this fun? Why must I spend my time-the time I am currently using to watch a band that I paid money to see-looking out for beach balls flying at my head. I didn't come here to "kind of" play volleyball. Just no, people. No. Moving on...

Later in the afternoon I made new friends: Becky and Laura. Becky and Laura happen to be readers of this blog (or used to be-I haven't been here in a while), and they are awesome. Laura's brother works at Krusty's every year which is amazing. Also one year at Krusty's Becky broke her arm*. That is hardcore, you guys. When you compare it to the two nails I broke this year, I really come off as a giant pussy. You guys, that is not a nice word. But it is funny. Anyway, Becky and Laura are so nice and they came up to talk to me, and I immediately talked their ear off with stories that they have already read on the blog because let's face it-there's not much more to me. Then I became uber creepy and made them exchange phone numbers with me. I have trouble with boundaries. Sorry, girls. I am a talker and only slightly creepy when I'm sober, but it all gets magnified like tenfold when I'm drunk. You girls are awesome, and I'm really glad I met you. Great Northern rules (we talked about Great Northern, right?).

Since we had Prego with us, we didn't need to take a cab to the bar afterward. Pregnancy seems fun. Not drinking and driving your drunk friends around. Anyway, we still played Cash Cab because that's what we do. Matt used his iPhone to look up facts and then quizzed us on them. We got none of them right. After we missed 3, Meg goes, "Oh we lose. I guess we have to get out of the car." Then Diane suddenly pulled over and stopped the car and told us to get out. There was riotous laughter followed by nervous laughter when she stayed pulled over and stared at us without saying anything just a little too long. However, she didn't make us walk, though I wouldn't have blamed her if she did.

At the bar, Matt and I were standing at the bar so we could ask for more milk to be added to our White Russians (we are wimps) while everyone else was at a table behind us. Matt and I decided we wanted food. I had what I considered to be the greatest idea ever just then. I was afraid if I ordered food for the two of us, everyone else would try to eat it. So I ordered like $30 worth of food for the table to distract them while Matt and I at our mozzarella sticks and french fries which cost maybe $8. At the time, I was like, "This is literally the best use of money ever." The next day I was like, "Wait...whatthefuck?" At some point later in night, Drew and Diane left-not because she was 6 months pregnant and tired, but because Drew was so wasted he needed to get to bed. Meg also suddenly had to go so she could "get to Taco Bell before they closed". She was so worried about not making it there so she left, and we looked at our watches. It was 9:35. Hey when you are old and you day drink, you are in bed by 11. Which is why day drinking is amazing.

One thing I did not do this year: lift up the skirt part of my skorts. I am growing, you guys. Maturing. Tomorrow I tell you about how I did Karate Kid dance moves at Sharda's wedding.

*I'm almost positive it was her arm, but as I wrote it I was thinking, 'Wait was it her foot?'

Thunder Magnus update

2010-09-07T00:10:00.007-04:00

So I have several posts almost finished but not finished enough so I can promise that this week, you will hear some good stories. You will not, however, be seeing the pictures from said stories because I have seen them, and they are, how you say, incriminating.

Have a look at the latest pic of my nephew:

This was taken at week 29. She's currently at 31 weeks. He moves all night long and barely moves during the day which is really convenient for when my sister is trying to sleep. Also every time my parents are around and want to feel him, he stops moving. Saturday Diane kept poking her stomach and saying, "Come on. Grandma wants to feel you." And I was like, "Stop poking him." And Diane was like, "He needs to toughen up." Already being pressured by Mom while still in the womb. Good luck, kiddo. At dinner on Saturday, my dad walked up to Diane, patted her on the belly and said, "Hey, tubby."

Only 2 more months until I get to meet the little stinker, spoil him and then give him back to his parents when he starts to whine and/or poop. Drew put all the furniture together, and I asked Diane what else they had to do to get ready. She said, "Organize all the stuff in his room, pick a name, learn how to take care of a baby." Awesome.

I will punch the next "5-hour Energy" commercial I see in the face

2010-09-02T00:36:00.001-04:00

Hear that loud whoosh sound? That was August flying by. What. the. eff. seriously. I'm sorry for the extended absence, but I have been so busy that essentially I never sit down at my house before 10pm, and the last thing I want to do is turn on my computer. Tonight was my "free night" and yet this is the first real opportunity I've had to sit down. See how it's after midnight? This is what I like to call "bullcrap".

Since it's so late, I'm going to phone it in. Time for another edition of random text messages sitting in my cell phone inbox:

You were hilarious! Don't worry. Besides I made an aunt in a sari do "I like big butts" with me.

Homeless man just told me "I love it when u wear that dress." This means I prob made wrong choice right?

Fun game for my friends. Who's boobs am I having lunch with? (the drink is bubbling and smoking) [ed. note: They are Meg's.]

Nice work. I have Markinson.

Holy feet! [ed. note: You guys, these are my sister's feet from a couple weeks ago after her trip to Texas. W. T. F.]

Happy book clubbing. I felt like in chapter 3 there was really good character development of Diane and how lame she is [ed. note: This is from my friend Jace. He and Diane are fake enemies. It provides me with endless hours of entertainment.]

I just said switcheroo in front of a high up manager.

new mexico states coach is named menzies

Let's hope for a penis up tuck.

Happy st. pats. Hope you get effed by a leprechaun!

Stand by

2010-09-01T00:08:00.005-04:00

I basically took a vacation from all things electronic. But I am back starting tomorrow, and I will tell you about how on Saturday I walked my friend John around the dance floor like he was a dog. Reminder: I am 33.

Stalling

2010-08-17T00:01:00.001-04:00

Guys, I haven't been home before 10pm in like 2 weeks so I apologize for no Krusty's update yet. I am working on it, though, I promise. In the meantime, please have a look at what I saw when I went into my Netflix queue today.

Seriously. Also "Princess Protection Program" was awesome. So are my image editing skills.

West Virginia, you are special

2010-08-10T01:12:00.001-04:00

It is 1:15am, and I just got off of a live chat with a McAfee technician, and my computer is finally back in working order. So...no Krusty's post tonight because it is time for Okay Seriously to hit the sack.

In the meantime please enjoy the most hilarious story ever sent to me by my friend Erik who commented, "If I saw Eddie Campbell in a park at night with pants on, that's when I would know something was wrong."

How can it be over already?

2010-08-09T01:09:00.001-04:00

You guys, I'm so sad another Krusty's has come and gone. It was, as usual, glorious. I need more time to write about it mostly because I spent my day today being hungover, doing lots of chores and napping. You know what's not a good idea to do at noon on the day after drinking for 12 hours? Wash your car for 2 hours in 85 degree weather. That was a bad choice of post-Krusty's activity. But I did spend the day in my D.A.R.E. t-shirt, and I totally resisted drugs and violence.

So more on that tomorrow, I swear. In the meantime, please enjoy my top 3 favorite text messages that I have received in the past couple weeks:

From Steph: "Are P Diddy and Puff Daddy the same person?" [ed. note: What's up, 10 years ago]

From Mike: "Let's hope for a penis up tuck" [ed. note: Don't even know what this one means... but yes. Just yes.]

From Meg who is in Tampa for work: "I just checked into my hotel in Tampa. There's a fetish convention going on at the hotel this week. I was greeted by two girls in fishnets, thong and bra. One holding a chihuahua and the other holding a whip." [ed. note: Amazing. Now Meg will blend in while wearing her work clothes.] [ed. note on my ed. note: I'm kidding. Meg has a normal job with normal clothes. She is not a whore for a living. I'm sure everyone thought I was being serious so it's a good thing I'm taking 10 minutes to explain that I don't hang out with hookers.]

Update on my nephew

2010-08-04T00:07:00.006-04:00

Krusty's countdown: 4 days.

The latest picture:

At this point he kind of looks like a cross between Skeletor and the poster for the movie "One Missed Call":

But I mean no one looks good in black and white. I'm absolutely positive he will be the cutest baby ever born. He was 19 weeks in this picture, now he's 25. My sister's belly is getting big. I told her she was getting fat.

My sister and Drew are still trying to pick a name so in the meantime, we are calling him Thunder. That's the name our friend AJ wants them to pick. Thunder Magnus. Meg and Steph picked Magnus.

Thunder Magnus is going to rule.

Why I haven't drank wine in a couple of weeks

2010-08-03T00:28:00.000-04:00

Krusty's countdown: 5 days. Why haven't you bought your ticket yet?

Have you ever gone out drinking and then over the next few days, bits and pieces of the outing start to come back to you in flashes and you wonder if they're real or if your drunken mind was embellishing or maybe dreaming? That was Sharda's bachelorette party for me. It would go like this:

I'm laying in bed watching "Golden Girls" and suddenly I think, "Wait did I tell Sharda's coworker that I wear cardigans in the bathtub?" Or I'm reading through work emails on my Blackberry and responding to my manager, and an image of me, reflected in a mirror, dancing with an inflatable doll flashes in my mind.

That is what happened to me for 2 days after the bachelorette party. Dammit, bachelorette parties. Dammit, wine. Here's the thing, the bachelorette party was in Geneva on the Lake. If you've never been there, it's a small tourist town on Lake Erie. And there are A LOT of wineries there. And we had transportation to said wineries all night long. And I have no limits or boundaries when it comes to alcohol. So, yes, I did apparently tell a few of my friends and one of Sharda's coworkers that I am too tall to take a bath in my bathtub and therefore too much of my body is out of the tub thus I need to wear cardigans because I am cold. And at one point, I said I wore snowsuits in the bathtub. I'll be honest this conversation is hazy for me, but I have the distinct feeling it went on for waaay too long.

The first winery we went to was where we ate dinner, and I freaked out people who don't really know me that well by claiming Diane's baby as my own. Meg and Lindsay bought a sampler of every wine on the menu, and any time they felt one was too sweet, they gave it to me. Which was a lot. It was lovely. While at dinner, Steph started talking about "The Hills", and how she felt about the finale. She said that she felt like she had been invested in a 6 year relationship where she was being honest the whole time, and the other person wasn't, and she didn't find out about all the lying until 6 years in. In essence, she felt betrayed. At that point, my friend Renee turned to Steph, put a comforting hand on her shoulder and said, "That's exactly how I felt when [ex-husband's name here] was cheating on me." Steph looked at her nodded and said, "So you know then." Awesome.

The next winery started off with a bang when we pulled up and an insanely drunk woman first tried to get into the shuttle van which we had rented for the whole night and then into Diane's car, which transported the rest of us who couldn't fit into the van. Being pregnant at a bachelorette party seems fun and not annoying. Anyway this drunk lady walked up to the passenger door, looked at Christy who was sitting there and said, "Are you getting out?" Then Christy said, "This is our car." The lady, confused, looked at Diane and said, "Is this your car?" Diane said yes and the lady stumbled away. Diane went and parked the car, and the lady followed her. As Diane got out, drunk lady said, "Is this your vehicle?" I love drunk people.

This winery had a live band and a very party-like atmosphere. Immediately Brigid goes, "Oh my God. There are so many older ladies here. I'm going to go do some Mom dancing and try to attract them." Then she ran out onto the dance floor, and did a Mom Dance. And boy did it work. Immediately 3 drunk older ladies came running over to dance with us. They looooved us. One of them screamed out to Sharda not to go through with the wedding because it's the "biggest mistake of her life". Classy. Appropriate. This bar, unfortunately, closed early so it was on to the next one where we pulled up and saw a couple dressed up as a pirate and a...bar wench? I'm not sure what she was, but she was old-timey. We thought they worked there. They did not. I love those people.

Here is where I told my bathtub stories. And started taking candid pictures of my friends and captioning them-real time and out loud-to Renee who laughed really hard and made me feel funny even though, let's face it-after that much wine, there's no way I was funny.

Oh also, I should tell you that I was sick. Like for real sick. I had no voice. Just a raspy, laryngitis-y mess of a voice eeking out sound when it felt like it. Aloyd's sister, who is a nurse, grabbed a pen light and insisted on checking out my throat. She suspected I had an infection. I decided a couple more bottles of wine would take care of it. Brigid, who was wearing a really cute romper, calls that voice Lesbian Party Voice and proceeded to call me LPV all night long. Hmm...I was about to go in to this story about how I called her Romper and it turned into this thing that made us laugh so hard we almost peed, but I just now realize it's really only funny to us. And only when we're drunk.

When we got back to the hotel, Aloyd had bought us all pizza and it was waiting for us in the room. Is that not the sweetest thing you've ever heard? Seriously. So clutch, Aloyd. We devoured it within minutes. Then I danced with Peter Pecker-you guys remember him, right? Our faithful blow up doll who's been with us through good times (all bachelorette parties) and bad (bus accidents)? He is an excellent dancer. Sharda, our hammered bachelorette, made him do dirty things, but I can't show you those pictures. I am a lady (see: this entire post).

Eventually it was time to go to sleep so I went back to my room where I was told by Brigid that I was disgusting and would sleep alone on the sofa bed so as not to infect everyone around me with my crud. Then I didn't do anything weird and went straight to bed the end. Okay seriously...I don't know how to explain what happened next. So I was wearing a dress. Under the dress, I was wearing Spanx. For those of you not familiar, Spanx are body shapers. You wear them to help you suck it all in. For about the last hour of the night, I was lifting up my dress and exposing my Spanx for everyone to see. See that lady on the home page of the web site lifting up her skirt? That was me. I lifted up my skirt and would say, "You guys can't see my Spanx. Cuz their flesh tone." And which point I would snap them. I have no explanation for this behavior. I do the same thing with skorts when I am drunk. So after all the exposing of the Spanx, I'm sure my friends thought they were done having to look at them. But no. Back in the room, I took them off and held them up for everyone to see then proceeded to rub them all over everyone's bed. Why? Why did I do that? What was my end goal? What was I trying to do besides demonstrate that I am a) weird b) gross c) in need of an age reality check? I have problems. Hello my name is Sarah, and I am obsessed with props when I am drunk. Luckily my friends love me for who I am even when that means I am rubbing Spanx on their hotel bed. Let's be honest those comforters have worse things on them.

The next morning, any last remaining voice I had was gone and by the afternoon, I was sicker than I've been in a long time. It turns out Aloyd's sister was right. I did have an infection. I spent the rest of the week missing work, waiting 5 days for my voice to return and flashing back in horror to the Spanx incident. All in all, I'm giving this bachelorette party two enthusiastic thumbs up. Would recommend to a friend.

Less than 2 weeks to the best day of the year

2010-07-28T01:34:00.000-04:00

You guys, I totally have a boy at my house right now. He's laying in my lap and just finished licking my face. He likes it when I scratch his belly. Ah-now you're not sure if I'm talking about a dog or a real man. I'm tricky! Obviously I am talking about the Okay Seriously family dog, Henry. He is amazing and perfect. Let me just remind everyone what we're dealing with here:

Yeah. That's some serious cute right there.

Okay, Clevelanders, it's almost Krusty's time! August 7th at noon. This is literally the greatest party/day ever, and the best part is it's all for a wonderful cause-the Malachi House. The Malachi House provides hospice services to people who have limited or no financial resources. If that doesn't sound like something you want to support, head to the hospital immediately as you are dead inside. They have a MySpace page. I don't really understand MySpace, but you can totally watch videos of the drunken bat races that have taken place there.

The bands featured this year are The Curve and Lt. Dan's New Legs which is an absolutely fantastic name for a band. I actually saw The Curve this past weekend at the Tremont Ale Festival which was basically a party in a park where they gave you as much beer as you wanted for $30. I think the point was to try a bunch of different kinds of beer, but it totally turned into my friend Jen on stage with the band, dirty dancing with a giant Sam Adams cardboard cutout. Anywho, The Curve was fantastic. The girl who does lead vocals has an absolutely killer voice, and they totally play Pat Benetar and Michael Jackson. I'm not familiar with Lt. Dan's New Legs, but this is what's written on their web site: "Lt. Dan’s New Legs (LDNL) is a successful and high profile live hip-hop band that has toured many parts of the world. LDNL delivers the most current music to keep the party moving. Songs are merged so there are no breaks in the set. This creates an environment where it is almost impossible to stop dancing." So bring. it. the. eff. on.

Oh there is one other notable thing about this year's Krusty's: Steph is on the Malachi House board now. How did that happen? Here is exactly how that happened: Steph went to a community meeting for a neighborhood in which she does not technically live. Steph sat next to a woman who's on the board of the Malachi House. Steph left the meeting a Malachi House board member. That is how things work in Steph's world. So now she is actually part of the Krusty's planning process. Also at this same meeting, I'm fairly sure she was recruited by a local councilman to be a part of his campaign for when he runs for mayor in the future. Also...she got to talk to Karl, our Segway tour guide. Maybe I should start going to community meetings. Hahaha-that's a good one.

So...Clevelanders...go get your tickets. Let's do this. Still not sure? Read my recaps of Krusty's past. Understand the beautiful madness. 2009. 2008. 2007. 2006.

Tomorrow's post? Sharda's bachelorette party recap. A quick preview: We drank wine-lots of it. I was sick. Cab driver thinks I'm a lesbian. Romper. Spanx.

Grandparents are funny

2010-07-22T00:01:00.000-04:00

Last Thursday my grandma called me and told me that she and my grandfather would like me to enter Susan Boyle's singing competition. When I laughed, she told me, "Now don't you just slough me off, young lady." A couple days ago, they mailed me a newspaper clipping from their local paper about the contest with this note:

"Dear Sarah -

Good Luck - Know you will do great and should be fun for you also.

Love - Grandma and Grandpa"

I promptly lost my voice the next day and have been so sick, I haven't been able to talk until today. Yesterday, that very grandma had to go to the hospital for heart arrhythmia. I called her tonight to see how she was doing, and the very first thing she said was, "Boy you'll do anything to get out of entering that contest."

1. My grandma is awesome.

2. I'm going to need her to get better so I don't completely lose it.

Let's end things on a lighter note. Last week in the store John held this up in my face and goes, "You just got Rip Rolled."

Don't call it a comeback

2010-07-15T00:41:00.000-04:00

"You are the worst at the internet. That is all. kisses, B" - my friend Biscuit re: me.

Have any truer words ever been spoken? For real, I was not purposely ignoring the blogosphere. I just have barely been home for the past couple weeks. I won't bore you with all the details of how I've been spending my time, but here are some highlights:

- World Cup. So I like soccer. It's a fun sport...to play. But watching it. Holy jeebus-I'm sorry, other countries and new American fans, but it is bo-ring. Every time someone breaks for the goal, the crowd goes nuts, and I'm like, "Just give it a second. It will immediately be sent back down to the other end of the field." And it always is. No one ever scores. Also enough with the horns. But I will say this: I went to a bar to watch the USA game (where we lost), and it was absolutely packed with hot guys. Like really, super hot young guys. So I shall suck it up and continue to pretend to be in love with this sport.

- Cleveland Wine Festival. Considering that 2 years ago I got so drunk I threw up all over myself and then fell down some stairs, I was justifiably scared for this event. However, Vomit never responded to my invitation and therefore did not make an appearance. Also there were no stairs, hence, no falling down them. Progress, people. Steph was a genius and came up with this idea to tell all the booths that her dad was a wine buyer for a grocery store chain, and they gave us tons of wine without taking our little drink tickets that I think maybe were there to control everyone's drinking? Lame! Also: Steph single-handedly almost knocked over a wine display after which Christy disowned her, and then we stuffed our faces with food. Then we made Prego (that's Diane) come pick us up and take us to get ice cream. Being pregnant seems fun especially when you have insensitive and thoughtless friends.

- Eclipse. A big group of us (and by us I mean inappropriately aged women) went to see the latest Twilight movie. Like the movies before it, it was ridiculous. And I loved it. Also: Taylor Lautner. Why are you so hot, Taylor Lautner? Why are you still 3 years away from being able to legally drink? When he first came on the screen, there was an audible gasp that moved throughout the theater. Also there were some frustrated sighs. From me and Jen. Because he had a shirt on. Then when he finally took it off, the oohs and aahs were even more audible. Especially from me and Jen. And I no longer feel guilty, you guys, cuz he is 18. Gimme.

- Fourth of July. The day before the holiday, we went to Columbus to visit some of our family. 1. My cousin got married in September, and he and his wife have been traveling the world ever since and just got home. I'm not kidding. How awesome is that? I can't believe someone I'm related to did something that cool. 2. We had to sit at the kids table. My mom said, "This table here is the kids table. Under 30." She quickly glanced at me and said, "I mean, under 35." Shut it, Mom. On the holiday, we went to the rooftop of Christy's new apartment building on the lake to watch fireworks. We were just far enough away that we couldn't hear the actual fireworks noises so Drew and I helpfully yelled out "Boom!" People enjoyed it. And by people I mean Drew and I.

- Jewelry making. Periodically, us girls like to get together for a "girls event". This time we went to a place where the entire place is filled with different beads, and you pick out what you want and make your own necklace or bracelet. I am what's called "not creative" so I was terrified. Note: Shannon, who planned this event, was so upset that I called myself not creative she went into supportive teacher/mom mode tand listed out all the reasons why I was wrong. I love Shannon. Anyway I was so stressed out trying to pick out the beads that I was dripping with sweat. I finally had to make one of the ladies who worked there help me pick it all out because I couldn't handle it. Then we sat and made our jewelry and drank wine and ate appetizers, and my friend Renee made me laugh so hard I almost peed. In the end I got some quality time with my ladies and a necklace that looks like a 4th grader could have made it. Now that I have been through it, I really want to do it again. The key is going in knowing what kind of necklace or bracelet you want to make. Also bring someone creative. Also bring Renee.

- My nephew. A couple weeks ago, my mom and I painted the nursery at my sister, Prego's, house. Then last weekend we helped her and Drew register for all her baby stuff. It was awesome and scary, and givememynephew. I can't even tell you how badly I want to meet him. He is definitely not cooked yet, but my sister has popped and is officially the cutest pregnant lady ever. I am already an overbearing and annoying aunt as I cannot stop rubbing and hugging her belly. It's awkward when she is trying to have a conversation with someone. For her, I mean. I really don't care.

- Smashed my arm into the bathroom door handle at work, smashed my shin into the side of my bathtub, stabbed myself in the eye with my mascara wand and rammed my hip into the corner of a church pew as I was walking up to sing. This last one was so hard, I could barely breathe, and I sang the wrong notes for the first line of the song. Afterward, a high school kid came up to me to tell me how much he enjoyed my singing then he asked me if I was in Strongsville Cantorum. Strongsville Cantorum is a high school choir. That I was in. 15 years ago. He asked me if I was in high school, you guys. Amazing and maybe insulting? Amsulting? Insultzing?

Four things before I sign off:

1. Tosh.0. Tell me you watch it. It's effing amazing. I don't like web clip shows so I was late to the party on this one. Then I watched one episode, and I was hooked. The videos are funny, but his commentary is absolutely mindblowingly hilarious.

2. Hot in Cleveland. Why am I in love with this show? I'll tell you why: 1. It's reminiscent of old school sitcoms. 2. Valerie Bertinelli is adorable 3. Really all the leads are very likeable. 4. It's in Cleveland, and they really don't make fun of it. Any ribbing is good natured. Valerie BertandErnie is married to a man from Cleveland, actually, and she loves this city. (Note: the BertandErnie is from "Family Guy" and still makes me laugh) 5. Betty White. That pretty much sums it up.

3. We'll talk about LeBron later. Because ew.

4. This is awesome:

Interlude

2010-07-13T23:28:00.001-04:00

Internet, I'm sick. :( Everyone feel bad for me immediately. And if at all possible, look past the fact that I haven't posted anything for almost 2 weeks. And that I'm not for real posting anything tonight. I have many thoughts to share with you. But tonight, I sleep. Quick look at this picture of a shark in a jar!

Thanks, misdirection.

This is normal

2010-07-02T09:06:00.004-04:00

So I just answered this question on formspring, and I have to post it here because even I couldn't believe my own answer.

What's in your purse?

Blackberry
other cell phone
3 pens
deoderant
reusable bag
sunscreen
Aleve
Tums
rewetting drops
2 checkbooks
hand lotion
car keys
loose change
2 bar/restaurant receipts
1 grocery list
iPod Nano
gift certificate to a spa
small black old man comb
4 packs of gum
measuring tape
2 ticket stubs from Indians game
mini notebook
1 tampon
camera
3 wallets
5 packets of ketchup
blank envelope
3.5 x 5 pics of my friend Kim's kids
Twilight ticket stub
Sudoku book
kazoo
corkscrew
hose connector

Just looking at this list, it's a pretty good representation of who I am. Oh here is a picture of my purse:

A quick letter to the ghost that is obviously living in my house

2010-06-25T00:46:00.000-04:00

Dear ghost,

What's up? I just wanted you to know that I know you're here. There's no way that picture fell off the wall on its own. When I saw it on the ground, I knew immediately that there was no other explanation. Diane doesn't believe you exist. She says there's some sort of other "reasonable" explanation, but I know better. I was totally watching "The Sixth Sense" before you threw my picture to the ground. I get it.

So welcome to the condo. I realize you have your choice in houses to haunt, and I appreciate that you chose mine.

Oh and one more thing-I don't know if you go back to your ghost friends at night or if maybe you go to ghost work, but if so, could you not tell anyone that after the picture "fell" I called my sister and made her stay on the phone with me as I walked upstairs brandishing a pair of scissors? That is really embarassing. I have my super badass image to protect. Um...I can hear you laughing.

Love,
Sarah

Some announcements

2010-06-22T01:25:00.001-04:00

1) Dear Nicorette, fuck you.

2) Okay seriously, people, we need to talk. If you are not watching "Friday Night Lights", why aren't you watching "Friday Night Lights"? I honestly cannot say enough about how unbelievably amazingly breathtaking the past few episodes have been. I am obsessed with all the characters-obviously-but my heart belongs to Matt Saracen. How adorable is this kid*?

Even more adorable when you watch the show. There was a Matt-centric episode on a few weeks ago and he OWNED it. I honestly am still thinking about. Watch this show, people. Watch. This. Show. You will not be sorry, I promise you. Also I am posting this picture because I found it in my search, and it is so gd sweet. FNL fans will appreciate it:

3) A week ago we saw Zane Lamprey live. If you aren't familiar with him, it's time to bone up on your Zane trivia. He's the host of "Three Sheets" which is basically a show about alcohol. He travels to different countries and teaches you about alcohol, where it comes from, cultural customs as it pertains to drinking and then he gets completely shitfaced with the locals. It is absolutely glorious. He is hilarious, and so we jumped at the chance to see him live. It was not a disappointment. His live show is a lot like his TV show, but more like a stand up routine. Not only was it hilarious, but it just reminded me how much I like drinking. I realize it's not healthy, and I realize I am judged for it, but I LOVE DRINKING.

After the show, we waited in line to take a picture with Zane and his buddies (Seriously he tours the US with his best friends and just drinks. How do I get this job?). The people in line in front of us handed me their camera and asked me to take a picture of them with Zane-a task at which I failed utterly and completely. In all honesty, this chick's camera sucked, and when I pressed the button nothing happened for like 20 seconds. Unfortunately, that was about 15 seconds longer than they posed. The picture was absolutely awful. Three of the four of them laughed. One man did not. He was super angry. To that man (and his friends) I say: I am SO sorry. At the risk of sounding insincere, I swear I tried, but you guys posed for like 3 seconds and that camera sucks. Still, I claim full responsibility and I am sorry. Like really, really sorry. Please forgive me.

4) This past Saturday we met Kenny Loggins. And by met I mean "saw in concert" (I'm counting it). Listen I'll punch everyone who doesn't think Kenny Loggins is awesome because he is all kinds of awesome. The show was perfect. Kenny was perfect. We were the youngest people at the concert. I love being the youngest people at places. I love Kenny Loggins 4-eva.

5) I am officially having a nephew! Friday we found out my sister is having a boy. Apparently he decided to hang out with his wang out during the ultrasound. Just like his father-who did the same thing during the ultrasound. Just kidding. I think. I wasn't there so I can only hope I'm right about that. More important than anything, the baby is healthy and doing well. Obviously I would've been thrilled no matter the gender, but knowing what it is makes this all more real. And so much harder to wait for him to get here. I cannot wait to watch "The Goonies" with him. After finding out it was a boy, I bought my first present for him:

Tuxedo bib. Awesome. I laughed so hard I almost peed when I saw this. It took me all of 3 seconds to decide to buy it. Diane said it was a very "Sarah" gift to buy. Drew said it's for formal dining. Givememynephewimmediately.

*In real life he is not a kid so I am not a gross perv. In fact, in real life Zach Gilford is relatively close to my age, it is okay for me to say I want to do dirty things to him. Because, oh Lordy, I surely do. Also, yes please:

I bet the gentlemen really enjoy this post. It's definitely geared toward them. Should we talk about mani/pedis and periods?

I am an outlaw

2010-06-16T01:02:00.000-04:00

A couple weeks ago on a Tuesday night, my friend Jace asked me if I wanted to go see a pre-screening of "Prince of Persia"-the new Jake Gyllenhaal movie. He had free tickets. Obviously I didn't really care about the movie, but I was intrigued by Jake's abs and really just wanted to hang out with Jace. We got to the theater right as it was supposed to start and bought some snacks. As we were paying, a girl came up to us and told us that the theater was full, but she might be able to squeeze us in. A woman and her teenage daughter were behind us, and the mom just went ballistic. "You really can't fit four more!?!?" So Jace and I said, "Let them have the last 2 seats. It's no big deal at all." And the movie lady said, "No that doesn't seem fair. You already bought your snacks and everything. Just all of you come back with me, and we'll see what we can do." Well we started to follow her back, and then the two of us were like, "Ugh...do we care enough about this movie to have to sit probably in seats that aren't by each other? I don't think so." So we stopped walking.

Here's where it got super awkward. Neither one of us could decide what to do. Should we buy tickets for another movie? Or should we just leave the theater and go hang out in the mall? As we stood there looking creepy, Jace whispered, "I bet if we act confident and just walk with purpose, we could totally sneak into another movie."

Let me explain why this is a big deal: Neither of us has ever snuck into a movie before. I realize it's a right of passage for every single teenager in the entire universe, yet somehow the two of us nerds missed out on this. But I mean if there's ever a time to start teenage mischief, it's in your 30's when the consequences could have an actual real negative outcome on your life.

So we decided to go for it. And we walked-with confidence and purpose-directly into the theater that was showing "MacGruber". I'm not really sure why this is the movie we ended up picking . We could see it was in the preview mode so we hadn't missed it, and it looked like the employees had just finished cleaning it so we thought there was a lower probability of being caught. We walked in, and sat down-the only people in the theater. I looked at Jace and said, "I think maybe when kids sneak into a theater, they pick the one that actually has people in it so it isn't as obvious." But hey-we were new to this. Here is basically how our conversation went for the entire 15 minutes we had to wait for the movie to start:

Jace, whispering: "How are you feeling?"
Me, also whispering: "Nervous."
Jace: "Oh my God me too. I am kind of freaking out. What if we get caught? Did you ever get detention?"
Me: "No!"
Jace: "Me neither!"
Me: "Is there such a thing as movie jail? Cuz we're going there."
Jace: "Who will you call to bail you out?"
Me: "I guess my mom. Man that will be an embarassing phone call."
Jace: "Someone's coming! Oh no-it's just a viewer. Not an employee. Phew."
Me: "If I lose my job because I got arrested at the movie theater, I will die."
Jace: "I don't think you and I were cut out for a life of crime."
Me: "Maybe we're overestimating how much the kids who work here actually care about anything happening at this theater. I mean they're teenagers. They don't really care about anything."
Jace: "What if we're underestimating how much they care, and we get that one weirdo nerd who loves his job too much?"
Me: "Crime is hard."

Then the movie started. And it. Was. Horrible. Not that I expected it to be great. I mean come on. But holy crap. It was not good. As soon as it was over, Jace turned to me and said,

Jace: "There is such a thing as movie jail. And it's this movie."
Me: "Karma is a real bitch."
Jace: "The people who work here probably saw us sneak in and said, 'Just let them stay. That movie's punishment enough.'"
Me: "A lesson hard learned, MacGruber. A lesson hard learned."

The moral of the story, kids, is twofold:
1. Stealing is bad, and you will always pay a price.
2. Sneaking into a movie theater in your 30's makes you kind of a nerd as evidenced by the fact that I told my mom this story, and she was basically like, "God-loosen up. They don't put you in movie jail."

P.S. Devo has a new album out today. Devo. As in Whip It. What? Were we waiting for the comeback album?

P.P.S. I watched "Fletch" today. Goddammit that movie is awesome. Everyone go watch it now and bask in how short Chevy Chase's shorts are. He's a genius. That movie rules. Can I borrow your towel for a sec? My car just hit a water buffalo.

P.P.P.S. Does anyone remember the show "Swans Crossing"? Come on, girls my age. Think back to junior high. It starred a pre-Buffy Sarah Michelle Gellar and was AWESOME.

Open letters to some of my friends regarding this past weekend

2010-06-10T01:14:00.002-04:00

Dear Gordon and Tracey,
First of all, congratulations on getting married. You guys both looked overjoyed, and it was a lovely sight to see. I am so happy for you. Thank you so much for inviting me and asking me to sing at the wedding. I was so honored.

I'm sorry for anything that happened after the ceremony. In my defense I was very nervous about the singing, and once it was over I was ready to party. Like immediately. Plus Winking Lizard totally knows how to make a Sex on the Beach, and they basically force fed them to me while we were waiting for the reception to start. I mean seriously every time I ordered one, they would just make it and bring it to me.

I think everyone would agree that your first mistake was giving me a kazoo. What a wonderful alternative to throwing rice or blowing bubbles as you left the church. But, oh my, what a spectacular backfire as soon as we left the church. Most people claim to not have loved Drew's and my rendition(s) of "All That She Wants" by Ace of Base, but I firmly believe most people are a bunch of gd liars. Plus wasn't it a refreshing change to hear the kazoo rather than clinking glasses at the reception to indicate everyone wanted you guys to kiss? I personally find the kazoo a romantic instrument. As evidenced by my version of "Wonderful Tonight". The couples dancing to that on the dance floor acted like I was annoying them by playing it inches from their faces, but there's no way that's true. Some people tried to steal the kazoo from me a couple times during the night so I'm sure you can understand why I refused to put it down. God I love kazoos.

One last thing: you really shouldn't have a fan blowing onto the dance floor if you don't want people to do their impressions of Tawny Kitaen in the Whitesnake video. I'm just saying.

Dear Woody,
Thanks for being my personal body pillow on the drive home. I have a fuzzy memory of rubbing your head. Can you confirm this was happening? Can you also confirm that I am hilarious? Because seriously rubbing your head? That's really funny and not-as some might say-annoying.

Dear Jen and Carrie,
We are awesome dancers. No one can take that away from us.

Dear Drew,
We are the greatest kazoo players of all time. We will make a kazoo band and tour our friends' houses. She leads a lonely life, my friend.

Dear Diane,
Thanks for driving on Saturday. I definitely did not immediately consider you my personal designated driver for the summer when you told me you were pregnant so it was a nice surprise when you offered to drive us around. I'm almost positive you offered, right? I was told there was some sort of hissy fit on the ride home as we drove through late night McDonald's when a medium fry was ordered for me instead of a large fry, but seeing as I have no recollection of this, and no evidence was provided, I've concluded it did not happen.

Also please turn over your digital video camera at once so I can delete any and all "moving images" that contain, well, me. Is this going to be a new trend that we can expect? You guys bringing a video camera to our outings? Cuz I say no...no.

Dear Sunday,
Note for the future: Hangovers are not a good present. Please don't bring me one of those again. I am allergic.

Sumpin' New

2010-06-02T00:29:00.000-04:00

Today I sent this to a coworker in response to an email she sent me with some information I needed:

I really think it's only a matter of time until I'm running this place.

P.S. Gary Coleman? Dennis Hopper? What is happening?

P.P.S. For real what the eff is up with this oil spill. I mean COME ON. How come my car can sense when I am nearby, but we somehow can't figure out how to stop oil from pouring into the ocean? Don't worry, though. James Cameron is on the case. My suggestion? Rock cork.

Lost is for real over

2010-05-27T02:17:00.000-04:00

I can't believe Lost is over. For real I can't believe it. When the episode was over, we all looked at each other and said, "So…what are we supposed to do now?" And seriously what are we supposed to do? What am I supposed to recap? There are no other shows with the what the eff value of this one.

So we had a Lost viewing party at my sister and Drew's house. We ate licorice and chips and coconut cake, and I drank champagne. Conveniently, Cleveland's WEWS channel 5 decided to be FUCKING HORRIBLE right at that exact time. I'm not kidding. Read that article about it. It was definitely better on HD. It was all pixilated and stopped a couple times. But it wasn't so bad that we had some sort of emotional breakdown and turned the TV off in a crying fit of rage like the lady in the article. Then I watched it again on my DVR, and I do not have HD, and it was so, so horrible. I mean really if I had been watching it for the first time, I probably would have turned it off in a crying fit of rage. They are replaying it Saturday, but like my friend Randy said Sunday, "Somebody's losing their job tonight."

Did everyone watch the recap episode first? Of course you did. Because it was awesome. And you can't remember everything from the past 6 years. Daniel Dae Kim is freaking adorable. By the way, it totally freaks me out to hear Sayid's British accent. Also he is dating Barbara Hershey who is like 30 years older than him. "You mean 'Beaches' Barbara Hershey?" – my friend Lisa. Yes, Lisa, that Barbara Hershey. Like 15 minutes later I go, "Walt's like a hundred. I saw him in a commercial." Lisa goes, "He is. He's dating Barbara Hershey." Then Lindsay goes, "No he's dating Bette Midler. They double." Then I peed. This is why you watch Lost with friends.
Other highlights from our recap viewing:

- After they showed the helicopter crash into the ocean, Lindsay goes, "Okay how does that baby not have shaken baby syndrome?"

- They showed the scene where Juliet fell down the well and hit the bomb with the rock, and Drew goes, "Remember at the beginning of this season when they showed that scene over and over. Oh my God it was horrible." Then we immediately got back from commercial, and they showed it again. Drew was so angry.

- Did you notice ABC played ads for their new shows? Um…too soon, ABC. Way too soon. It's like our dog was in the middle of dying, and you were like, "Here's a new dog."

- While we were discussing Rose and Bernard's whereabouts:

Lindsay: "Yeah they built like a tree kingdom."
Matt: "Well not like the Ewoks or anything."

When it came time to actually watch the finale, we all almost peed we were so nervous/excited. Let me just say up front that I thought the episode was fantastic.

- Opening shot is us in sideways world watching them unload Jack's dad's coffin. Oh I see we're cutting back and forth on all our characters in sideways world and on the island. Just kind of what they're all doing now. Ugh this is already making me emotional. Also they're dropping off Jack's dad's coffin at the concert place? And Desmond is signing for it? What? Also did anyone else notice that Jack's dad's name was Christian Shephard? It never dawned on me. Also seriously Desmond says he wants to leave. And I must repeat Kate's question here: Leave and go where, Desmond?

- Back on the island, Sawyer is talking to Jack about being the new Jacob and being hilarious. "Tell us what the burning bush said." Sawyer re: Jacob: "It doesn't sound like he said anything about anything." Hurley: "It's kinda true, dude. He's worse than Yoda." Freaking awesome. Did you see in the recap episode how the guy who plays Hurley said that Hurley is the kind of guy who would totally love Lost and write about it on the Internet. Yeah he is. Sawyer just called Desmond a magic leprechaun. Christ almighty I will miss Sawyer. Hurley has a bad feeling about this. Hurley, the world has a bad feeling about this.

- Hurley and Sayid just pulled up at a hotel. Sayid has major what-the-fuck-itis. Charlie! Looking good. And by that I mean the opposite. He's wearing more eyeliner than me. Holy crap what is going to happen at this concert. My friend Matt's like, "I need to be at this concert." Ah! Hurley just shot Charlie with a tranquilizer gun! It should be kind of scary, but it's hilarious.

- Jack! You haven't ruined everything in your life! You're hot and heroic!

- Huge shocker Sawyer got caught by Fake Locke and Ben. Did you see how shitty his hiding place was? He was hiding behind like 1 leaf. Seriously why is Ben still trying to help Flocke (is this what we're supposed to call him?)? I thought he loved this island. Why would he go along with destroying it? Holy elbow to the mouth! Ouch! Did you see in the recap episode where the guy who plays Ben was like, "Ben gets beat up more than any other character. I always have to come in before everyone else to get my 'beat up' makeup on." Awesome. How come that guy is kind of creepy in real life, too, though. OMG DOG TRACKS! Please say it's Vincent. Please say it's Vincent!!

- VINCENT!! That means Rose and Bernard, yes? YES!!! God I really just can't put into words how much I love these two. I love how Rose is like, "Please don't get us involved in your crap. Save the drama for your mama." Holy crap for real if Flocke kills Rose and Bernard, I will fly Ajira airlines to the island and KILL HIM MYSELF. Phew. Okay, I knew Desmond wouldn't let him hurt them.

- Flocke is totally thrown by Desmond and his seemingly know-it-all attitude. As we all are, let's be honest. That was really convincing, Ben. It was the loudest walkie talkie noise ever, and he's like, "What? I didn't hear anything. There's definitely not a walkie talkie in my pocket."

- Miles! Richard! He's alive! Okay we're still blowing up this plane? Richard, you need to let this go. This seems like a really bad idea.

- Cop Miles! I would really like for ABC to create a spin-off show for Miles and Sawyer. A buddy cop show.

- JULIET!! I love you, Juliet. I can't believe I ever doubted you. Please forgive me. OMG, Sun's gonna have her moment isn't she. Where she remembers life on the island? Cuz this is just like when Juliet did the ultrasound on the island only more sanitary! Yes I am awesome. And Jin remembers! Okay the flashback scenes of Jin and Sun are making my heart hurt-literally. They speak English!! Okay they for real remember everything. Juliet's like, "You guys are weird."

- I will miss watching my Losties running through a forest. Just FYI. Okay we've established that everyone is going to the where the light is. "Then it ends." Foreshadowing! Well not really. I mean it's the last episode so it pretty much has to end.

- Jack and Locke discussing his spinal surgery. Locke is wearing a very becoming shower cap. Sidenote: I am obsessed with shower caps. Thank God that we get to see OUR Locke in this sideways reality. Because I heart him. Whoa-"See you on the other side." That's a loaded statement. "If I can fix you, Mr. Locke, that's all the peace I'll need." Another way loaded statement. Applies in both realites and pretty much is Jack's theme for the whole show, no?

- Richard has a gray hair! Richard is aging! It's weird that Miles pulled it out, right? Let's not worry about that.

- Ohmygodohmygodohmygod. "Sarah. Sarah! Sarah!!!" – all my friends at the same time. LAPIDUS!!! WHOO-HOO!!! I just screamed louder than I have ever screamed. I KNEW it! I knew he was still alive! He can survive anything because he is amazing! Holy crap I love you so much, Lapidus. Also he totally agrees with me that Richard's blow up the plane plan is horrible. "In case you haven't noticed, I'm a pilot." There is too much awesome in this scene right now.

- OMG confrontation on the hill. Jack and Flocke appearing from different parts of the forest. Um this line is amazing:

Flocke: "So it's you. Jacob being who he is I expected to be a little more surprised. You're sort of the obvious choice, don't you think?"

That's hilarious and perfect. A nice nod to everyone who's watched this show and watched Jack be the leader over and over since the beginning. Jack just told Flocke he's going to kill him in a surprise way. Well it sounded way more threatening in the show. The way I wrote it sounded like he was planning a surprise party. Surprise! You're dead.

- Here's a huge surprise: Juliet is Jack's ex-wife and mother of his son. I think we all saw this coming, right? Oh my gosh Jack just called Claire, Aunt Claire. That is so cute I want to die. Ah Sawyer and Juliet eye contact! Remember each other, please!

- Okay so Jack wants to use Desmond to kill Locke. He's basically just flying by the seat of his pants, yes? Holy crap. Hurley: "I believe in you, dude." So ridiculously cute. Dudes till the end. Is Hurley just one of the best characters on TV or what?

- Vaginal tunnel of light! Oh man. They're going to lower Desmond into the light. I'm scared. This is just like in "Poltergeist" when Diane went into the light to get Carol Anne. Except with a lot less Craig T. Nelson. Don't pull on the rope! Will Des turn into smoke? Des is being very zen right now. He knows something we don't. Man Jack has done a complete 180 since the beginning of this show. "All of this matters."

- Okay Hurley can't tell Sayid what's going on because "there are rules". What does that mean!? Aw, Sayid. You're a good man. If Hurley thinks so, it is definitely true. Bar fight! Ah! It's Shannon and Boone, isn't it!? Yes it is! Oh my God. They're remembering. I am freaking the eff out. Boone!! Oh my God Boone knows. Or remembers. Or whatever. I love you, Boone! Drew says Boone doesn't look very good, but I think it might be because he plays a vampire on another show now so maybe he is staying out of the sunlight. Also I saw a web site that said they want someone to make a t-shirt that says "Boone knows". Awesome.

- Claire! Alive and looking good. Holy criminy, Claire. You're a crazy person.

- "You're not John Locke. You disrespect his memory by wearing his face." Nice, Jack. "We'll just have to see which one of us is right." Oh God I hope it's you, Jack. Oh boy pan away shot of Jack and Flocke looking down the waterfall. Just like the shot at the end of-what the hell season was that-with the hatch!? Symmetry! Full circle! Symbolism! I am smart! Not really! It was obvious!

- Looks like we're at the concert. Holy boobs, Juliet. Nicely done. Oh Charlotte and Faraday! Yay they love each other! Huge surprise Claire's sitting at Desmond and Kate's table. She is totally creeped out. And should be.

-Ugh. Miles' dad! It's Daniel Faraday-not Widmore. Oh also Drew and Matt have been singing that Driveshaft song all effing night- the one that Charlie used to sing. Aw-Charlie and Claire. God I feel like I've been waiting for a reunion for those two for my entire life.

- Desmond is in the bottom of the waterfall. I am singing the theme song to Indiana Jones in my head. And out loud. People are annoyed with me. Ah what's happening! Okay so that's the "cork" huh? I'm freaking out. The whole island is just like a big bathroom drain. I have an idea for keeping the island safe. Let me take a shower in that well. I will shed so much hair I'll clog up that drain in no time. "It was weird that it was an actual cork. Like I thought that was just a metaphor." – my friend Lisa. Holy crap Jack just punched Flocke and Flocke is bleeding. He's bleeding!! Ah rock to the head! Rock to the head! "That's top 10 things that leave a mark." – Drew. Thank God there's a commercial. I need to calm down.

- You know what's a great place to give birth? Backstage at a concert. Or on a deserted island. Eloise. Man she's scary. What does she know? Tell us what you know, woman! Wait-she knows where Desmond's going. Where are you going, Desmond? I will say this, it appears that everyone who "remembers" knows exactly where they are going. They seem to have some knowledge and an air of calm about them.

- "If Kate remembers while she has her hands up Claire's dress, I will laugh." – my friend Matt. Matty, that is totally what is happening. This is pretty emotional. I'm having a hard time keeping it together in front of my friends. "Guys, I've been watching tapes and babies are a lot grosser when they're born. FYI." – Diane. Thanks, D. Helpful info. Oh my God, Charlie's going to remember now, isn't he. I'm going to lose it. Charlie-Claire reunion! This is so awesome. Play it cool, Sarah. You're surrounded by people in a room.

- Okay the island is falling apart. Ben just saved Hurley's life! What? I don't even…that was amazing. I just want to say that is one small man pushing one big man, and while touching, it sure did look funny.

- Kate had no reaction to the news that Lapidus is alive. Um, Kate? This is a miracle. Let's give it its proper due.

- Jack and Flocke confrontation on the cliff! In the rain! Jack yelling, "LOCKE!" No do not go to a commercial while Jack is flying through the air! Um-I just. Shat. My. Pants. That was one of the best scenes I have ever seen on this show.

- If Jack falls off a cliff, I will kill everyone. Ball kick! That's gotta hurt. Man it is impossible to recap a fight scene. I'll just say this: it's awesome. No no no no no. Flocke's got the knife. No no no no no! NO!!! He just stabbed my Jack in the side. I have no idea what to do right now. Ah! Knife to the throat! That's the spot Jack always bleeds in sideways reality! Kate! Yes. Good timing, Kate. Finally. Kick him over the edge, Jacky. YES. Ew. Brutal landing on the rocks. Yowza. That fight scene was glorious. I did a pretty good job recapping it. And by that I mean this was horrible. Sorry.

- Sideways Jack's neck is bleeding! Just like the alternate reality is bleeding over into this reality, right you guys? See what I did there?

- Of course your surgery worked, Locke. Jack is amazing and hot, and you are lovely and a fighter. Oh my God now Locke is remembering. This is awesome. Jack is resisting remembering. Come on, Jack. Let it in. "You don't have a son." "I hope somebody does for you what you just did for me." Jack's like, "Mkay, crazy dude. I'm out." Can I just interject here and say that "The Walkabout", which was episode 4 of season 1 and was the one where we find out that John Locke was in a wheelchair, was literally some of the greatest television I have ever seen in my life. It's exactly the moment I knew this show was special. And exactly the moment that I knew television could be more than just the same old crap. I actually emailed ABC after it aired just to tell them how I felt about it. That's how much it moved me. And how big of a loser I am. Anyway, hearing this same music and seeing scenes from that episode is making my heart hurt again.

- Okay, you guys, I have a bad feeling about Jack's stab wound. A really bad feeling.

- Sun and Jin are so happy to see Sawyer that they are coming off as creepy. But do you see what I mean? They are acting like they have a special knowledge. "We'll see you there." Sawyer's like, "See me where? I am really hot as a cop."

- Lapidus is owning this plane. It is his bitch. I am also his bitch, just FYI. Holy crap I just LOL'd (nice) at this:

Ben: "Lapidus, what's your time table?"
Lapidus: "Don't bother me!"
Ben: "Sounds like they're making progress."

Goddamn you, Benjamin Linus, for making me like you despite everything you've done. Matt just said that Lapidus is being a dick. Um sorry he's only trying to save everybody and fix a downed airplane that needs 6 hours of attention in 1 hour and that's after he almost died, Matt! I'll punch you right in the throat.

- Huge surprise Jack is going to sacrifice himself to save everyone else. Oh no I don't think my heart can take the goodbyes. Sawyer and Jack, friends and partners. It's too much. Ben's staying. This island was always his first love. Holy crap Hurley isn't leaving. He's staying with Jack! I think I might be in love with Hurley. Oh no-I am not ready for the Kate/Jack goodbye. You're not going to see him again, Kate. You know that. Good Lord I have been waiting for them to kiss again for like 2 years. I want to rewind this part, but I know everyone will yell at me. Yes you guys love each other. You have since season 1. I can't believe it took this long for you both to say it again. Oh, you guys, Jack's not going to make it off the island, is he. Inside I'm all, "Don't cry out loud. Just keep it inside. Learn how to hide your feelings." (sidenote: on my second viewing, I cried like a baby).

- I feel like I want to complain about the number of commercials, but it is giving me the necessary emotional recovery breaks.

- "I don't believe in a lot of things. But I do believe in duct tape." Oh, Miles, I am going to miss you so much. I love how Sawyer calls Lapidus Chesty.

- Mah! Sawyer dove head first into the water! Not the way I would've gone, Sawyer.

- Sawyer and Jack just had a little déjà vu moment in the hospital hallway. "Thanks, Doc." Oh God, Sawyer, if you only knew how much meaning was behind just those two little words.

- OMG Sawyer and Juliet. Sawyer and Juliet reunion! I think I'm going to lose it. Is there where she says the thing about getting coffee some time. Yes thank you for answering me, Juliet! Oh God this is so awesome I can't handle it. Effing, Lost writers. As someone who's more obsessed with the characters than with the mysteries, this episode has just been extremely rewarding for me.

- Oh my. Kate and Jack in sideways town. Is Kate going to make Jack remember? Kate's heels are out of control. I know-not important right now, but it had to be said. "I missed you so much." Yes you did, Kate. That line touched me for some reason. A lot. Jack, stop resisting. If you resist, then I can't figure out what's happening, and that doesn't work for me.

- Back on the island. Oh, Hurley. Jack's not going to survive. I think we all know this. I honestly cannot take Hurley crying. I can't. Of course it has to be Hurley. He has to be the one to protect the island. It was always him, right? He's the one who loves everyone, who loves humanity. He's truly pure of heart. This scene is killing me. Ew-that water looks dirty. Hope you don't get dysentery from the magic water, Hurley.

- I know you can fix this plane, Lapidus. Cuz you can do anything. Yay! You're amazing!

- Is Desmond still alive? Yes! Thank God.

- Come on, Claire. You know you want to leave the island. They have shampoo at home. And brushes. Lapidus, I love you. Please don’t leave my friends behind. And…cue a Lapidus knowing chuckle and awesome line in 3…2...1: "Boys, we got some late arrivals. Open the door."

- Man how heavy is that rock cork? Everyone in the room is freaking out about Jack getting himself out of that pool or else he'll die. Guys? He's not going to make it either way. Even I know that.

- They allowed Lapidus one moment of vulnerability here before they tried to take off in the plane. "Here we go, Frank." Yes he's awesome, but he's still a man with insecurities and feelings and chest hair! I am so nervous I could puke. "What's Richard going to do when he gets home? He's been on the island a long time. He can always rejoin Maroon 5." – Drew. YES! They did it! Not that I'm surprised, but it's still very moving. "Amen." Lapidus is also a man of faith. This music is making me die inside a little bit. It's so pretty. Can this really be happening? Are they really going home? My heart almost can't take it.

- Now back to my Jack. Oh my God it worked. You saved the island, Jack! You really are the hero. Just like you've been since day one. Anyone who ever doubted you (Diane) can eat a big one.

- Sideways reality. Locke's at the-wherever it is they all are. Looks like a church. Ben! Sitting outside being creepy. Good Lord am I glad for this sideways reality. It gives us a chance to see our Locke and say a proper goodbye. Ben's like, "Sorry for murdering you in a different reality, bro. We cool?" Actually this is a pretty touching scene. I'm just trying to act all brave because I'm hiding the fact that I'm an emotional wreck right now. Of course Locke forgives Ben. Because he's Locke and he's awesome. Yes get out of the chair, Locke. Jack fixed you. Okay WHAT IS GOING ON IN THAT CHURCH!?

- Hurley is just sitting by the Vaginal Tunnel of Light waiting for Jack to come back up. This is heartbreaking. Ugh, Hurley, please stop crying. I cannot handle it! Watching you try to accept Jack dying and being the new Jacob is too much. God who wrote this thing? It's like they are targeting the exact middle of my heart! "I think you do what you do best: take care of people." Oh, Ben. You were such a jerk, and you just said the exact right thing. Seriously I hate you for making me like you. Insert requisite throwaway line "That's how Jacob ran things." to explain why no one was allowed to leave the island. You know what? I'm okay with this explanation. Because I think the bottom line is, Jacob was kind of a dick who fucked with people's lives. And Hurley really can make his own rules. OHMYGOD Ben's face when Hurley asked him to help. Finally, finally Ben gets the only thing he ever wanted: to be needed by someone. It took Hurley 5 seconds to heal Ben. I CANNOT TAKE IT, LOST WRITERS! You are killing me! (sidenote: I am still thinking about this scene 3 days later it moved me so much).

- Oh boy. Hurley/Ben scene at the church. Will I be able to deal with this? Wait a minute. "You were a real good #2." "And you were a great #1, Hugo." I'm getting an inkling about something. This feels final. Oh how I'll miss Hurley calling everyone dude.

- Okay so the church is where Jack's father's funeral was going to be. Ready for what, Kate!? Leave and go where, Kate!? Someone tell me! Sorry one last freak out about not getting answers. It wouldn't be an episode of Lost if I wasn't angrily yelling questions into the sky.

- Okay Jack's alive on the island. Barely.

- Back at the church. I can already tell this will be a back and forth type of scene between the two realities. Lindsay just screamed that all the religions are represented on that stained glass window. Thank goodness she looks at details. If you'd have asked me about it, I'd be like, "Wait they were at a church? Jack was wearing clothes? What?" Oh my God, Jack, do not resist. Remember. Whose heart is breaking at these flashback scenes? Mah is he going to be the one in the coffin!? Okay it's empty. This is it. He's dead, isn't he. There's his dad. Yeah he knows it now. He's dead. I think I'm going to puke. Okay sideways reality isn't sideways reality. It's some sort of purgatory. I love the message here-that when you die, you go back to the most important time in your life. Back to the people who you needed most. And I like the idea that in order for you to let go and move on to whatever's next, you need to remember your life first. Lost cast reunion. Emotion overload. Want to cry. Penny! Meaningful Desmond/Jack hug. Intercut with Jack on the island clearly going somewhere to die. Probably where he landed after the plane crash. Hugs with Boone and Hurley. Heart exploding into a thousand pieces. Sawyer/Jack hug!! Kate changed clothes? Loving looks between Kate and Jack. Everyone looks happy. Except me. Rose and Bernard! VINCENT! Oh no this too much. The dog laying down with him is too much. Dogs are so awesome, I said through tears. Christian Shephard shepharding them onward? Hurley and Libby-yay. Oh he knew his friends made it off the island before he died. Eye closing. Black screen. Lost. I am dead.

You guys. YOU GUYS. That was wonderful, brilliant television. I know there will be people who are annoyed that there weren't enough answers, but I am completely satisfied with that ending. I am totally fine knowing that everything that happened on the island was real. That there really is a weirdo island containing the light of humanity, and someone needs to be the protector. I am okay with the mystical. I don't need a scientific or religious explanation. I'm okay with the fact that Jacob was just this kind of douchey dude from a douchey family who turned his role of island protector into some sick game. That he had an evil brother hellbent on revenge and our poor Losties happened to get caught in the middle of all this drama.

My Jack didn't make it off the island. I think I knew from the first episode that he wouldn't. He went out a hero just has he came in, and I love, love, love him. So we know Michael wasn't at the church because he's stuck on the island as a "whisperer" paying the price for being a murderer. Why wasn't Walt there? I think it's because he was so young on that island, and he wasn't on it very long so it wasn't the most important time in his life. One thing I do wish is that they would've delved a little deeper into Walt's psychic abilities, but c'est la vie.

This is so interesting to think about this show from the beginning with this bird's eye view now. Part of what drove me crazy is that when you don't know what's going on, every single little effing thing means something. You can't discern what is important and what isn't so EVERYTHING becomes important, and that is annoying. That is why I was getting annoyed this season. Because I felt like I would finally find out what I really needed to be paying attention to, but they never really gave me that until this episode. For example, worrying about why they brought Anthony Cooper to the island. I just for real wanted to know what the deal with that was. And it turned out, they just wanted Locke to get revenge. Okay. I'm totally fine with that answer and with that little piece not meaning anything beyond that.

At first I was annoyed that we don't really know what happened to our Losties who got off the island-what they did with their lives. And that we don't know how Desmond, Hurley and Ben got off the island. But I think it's safe to say two things: 1. It doesn't matter what those people did once they got off the island. They lived their life no matter what path it took them down. But when they died, they came back to this time in their lives because it's what was most important. And 2. Hurley changed the rules of what it meant to protect that island. He made sure they all got home. He made sure no one suffered on that island ever again. Awesome. In the end this show was about the people and the relationships, and that's what ended up being the most important thing. Not even the island was more important. And I love that.

A++

What a fantastic 6 years of entertainment. The good news: No more having to wait 8 months in between seasons and no more driving myself absolutely crazy. The bad news: It's over! Hold me, you guys.

For real, it's coming

2010-05-26T01:43:00.003-04:00

Okay so I was not home all night Monday or tonight so I still don't have my Lost recap done. Sorry! Tomorrow for sure. In the meantime, did you know that in the original version of "Lost", Michael Keaton was supposed to play Jack Shephard, the hero, and he was supposed to die halfway through the pilot?

So this is our original Jack Shephard:

But I thought they meant this guy:

Michael McKean. And I was like what. the. eff. Can you imagine? I mean either way it's weird and horrible, but at least Michael Keaton was Batman. Between that and the fact that Sawyer was supposed to be played by Forest Whitaker, Lost could've been a very different show. Plus Drew was like, "That is one weirdo love triangle with Kate."

Quick, pick one:

It totally looks like they are really in a forest. Thanks, MS Paint!

I'm Found

2010-05-24T00:41:00.006-04:00

Holy crap. You guys, I'm gonna need a day to recap this one. But I will say this : That was some of the best television I have ever seen. It was so good, and so much about the ending was so poetically perfect that I am going to overlook some major holes/wtf's and do what I did for (almost) 6 seasons: just enjoy.

Let me gather my thoughts (and emotions-for realz, y'all) on this then we shall discuss. Oh but I do have three words for you:

FRANK. FUCKING. LAPIDUS!!

Did you hear a loud scream at some point tonight? It was me when they showed him floating in the water alive. Yes. YES, LOST.

Yeah I'm probably not going to sleep tonight. Recap tomorrow.

I watch too much TV

2010-05-21T01:22:00.002-04:00

Oh, you guys. So so much TV to talk about and that's even before we get to "Lost".

"Gossip Girl" - Okay who watches this show? I do because it's trashy fun. But let me just say this: Serena is a C-U-Next-Tuesday, and I do not use that term unless absolutely necessary. Blair, on the other hand, is delicious. And Nate is hot and dumb and has chronic party voice.

"Grey's Anatomy" - Did anyone watch the season finale tonight? Um, what. the. fuck. No. Just no. That was absolutely terrible. It was completely brutal. Completely unnecessary. Not that I don't expect melodrama from that show because I do, but COME ON. Ugh. It's too bad, too, because I thought this season had recaptured some of the fun of the first season. And then this finale. Yuck. Done with this show. Right now my sister is like, "Wait-you still watch Grey's?"

"Supernatural" - On the contrary, this season finale was almost sheer perfection. This show continues to be one of the most well written, well acted, consistently entertaining shows on television. Plus, Jensen Ackles is painfully hot. Painfully.

"Friday Night Lights" - You guys, I can't believe I forgot to write about this 2 weeks ago when it came back to NBC. For those of you who have DirecTV, you've seen this season already (no spoilers!). For those of us who prefer to have TV that works when it rains (burn!), the greatness just started. And I mean greatness. For those of you not watching this show, at the risk of sounding like a broken record: WHY AREN'T YOU WATCHING THIS SHOW!? It is hands down the greatest show on television. And the first 2 episodes of season 4 do not disappoint. It's absolutely lovely and perfect. This show can introduce a new character in a minute long scene and by the end of ONE minute, I am completely invested in this character's life. How do they do that? (Luke, anyone who saw last week's episode? In love with him after 1 minute.) I love you, FNL. I love you, Taylor Kitsch. No for real, I love you. Call me. Also, I know that Zach Gilford is supposed to give off the brother vibe, but I have dirty thoughts about him. And sigh...Coach Taylor. Oh sorry-what happened? I just blacked out. Guys and ladies who like ladies, there are also hot chicks. Come on watch this show!

"Lost" - How is it possible this is the second to last episode of Lost ever? I still remember watching episode one 6 years ago and thinking, "Oh man. This is going to be one crazy ride." And it has been for real. Despite my disappointment in this last season, Lost rules. What the hell show am I going to recap after Sunday? Maybe there will be an awesome new show for us to watch/freak out about. Even if there is, I think we can all agree the WTF factor will never reach Lost levels.

So let's get to it. I feel like tonight was about checking things off a list before we get to the grand finale.

- Oh great the scenes from two weeks ago. Previously on Lost, everyone you love died. Isn't this show fun?

- Ok for real how come Sideways Jack keeps bleeding at the neck. I was going to say something about how he should be acting more worried about this, but then I thought about the number of times a day I notice some place on my body bleeding or bruised and have no recollection of how it happened and realized it wouldn't be a big deal for me either. Maybe it should be. Maybe it's because stuff is happening to me in an alternate reality somewhere. Sideways Sarah is definitely on an island tripping over rocks and fighting mosquitoes. And by "fighting" I mean "whining about".

- Yay Claire bonding with Jack and his son! And we all agree Jack's ex-wife will be Juliet, right?

- Ooh Desmond with an American accent. Still hot. But weirding me out.

- Oh Jack's sewing Kate up just like she did for him in the first episode. Full circle! Kate seems to be the only person who remembers Jin and Sun have a baby. Because Jin and Sun definitely did not remember. (Love you, Jin and Sun)

- We have to kill Locke. Dun-dun-duuun. Thanks, Kate. This is where my mom says, "No shit, Sherlock."

- Sawyer is scanning the ocean. Probably looking for Lapidus-I mean let's be honest. It's what I would be doing.

- OMG is Desmond going to run over Locke again? Cuz I don't want to watch that. Oh no apparently he's just going to kick Ben's ass. In both realities.

- I love how in sideways reality Ben is Locke's protector. Irony! I get it!

- Miles! You're alive! "Well I lived in these houses 30 years before you did. Otherwise known as last week." Holy Christ I missed Miles.

- Wait so are we still trying to blow up the plane then? I thought we had abandoned that idea. Dammit I can't keep up with the various modes of transportation and which ones we want to destroy.

- Oh boy they're at the Dharma camp. Site of a million massacres. Miles' dead person sensor is going cah-razy. Whoa-how does Richard Alpert know it's Alex talking to Miles? Oh he buried her. This show is full of laughs.

- Ben's closet is organized exactly how they organize closets when they stage houses on my favorite HGTV shows. He would probably have good luck selling this place.

- Mah! Widmore and Ben! Face to face! Reunited and it feels so good. By the way I just realized I've been spelling Widmore wrong. He's totally going to put me in an electromagnetic field.

- Wait did Jacob really visit Widmore? Did we see that? Ah can't remember! Someone help! Also maybe Whidmore should stay and protect "the light" so then my Losties can get the hell home.

- Ben is a doctor in sideways reality? I like how the school nurse was just so not impressed by that fact.

- Man even sideways Ben is ridiculously creepy. "He said he wants you to let go. I am crazy and will eat the heart straight out of your chest."

- Can I take a moment here and just say that watching guys put on ties is way hot. This post is boy-crazy.

- God for real, cop Sawyer. You are so effing hot.

- Okay Desmond is turning himself in for what he did to Locke and Ben. Why? To make them feel it? Oh. Sayid and Kate are in prison. It's a party!

- Back on the island. Oh boy Sawyer's feeling pretty guilty about the bomb. Haven't we all learned we should be listening to Jack? It's okay, Sawyer. Jack's right-it's on Fake Locke. Not you.

- Young Jacob Who Looks Exactly Like Old Jacob. Why does he need the ashes? Am I supposed to know whose ashes these are? Because I don't remember.

- Mah! Old Jacob! You were just Lucifer on "Supernatural"! "We're very close to the end, Hugo." Those are comforting words.

- Okay for real I am terrified of Terry O'Quinn when he's on the island. In just ONE show he plays both vulnerable man with a kind heart and literally a heartless monster. He's brilliant.

- Holy crap Ben is totally going to stand up to Fake Locke! Is this it? Is Ben going to die? Oh my God now Richard's going to talk to him? Why don't you two make like Miles and get the hell out of there? Man. I forgot how hot Richard was. But he might be like 5'4". AHHHH!! SMOKE MONSTER!! NO!! RICHARD!! Ben's what-the-fuck-just-happened look is priceless.

- Is that? Did Richard just die? Seriously? That can't be his death scene. I won't have it.

- Oh nice it took Ben all of 3 milliseconds to agree to kill everyone.

- Sideways reality. Ah! Crazy Danielle! How come even though she's cleaned up she still kind of looks crazy? Are Danielle and Ben going to get it on? I am going to freak the fuck out. Seriously I'm going to freak the fuck out!! Also Ben actually started crying when Danielle told him that he's the closest thing Alex has ever had to a father. How does this psycho make me feel emotion in my heart?

- Back on the island. I hate seeing the protective caring Ben in one world and then back to this other world where he's a ruthless killer. It's hard. I honestly hoped Ben would end up being good. Ah throat cut open! Gross! Bye, Zoey. You were annoying.

- You know what, Fake Locke, if you kill Penny I will end you. I am not even kidding. Last resort for what? You know what I would probably do? Lean in real close to the Smoke Monster to whisper stuff in his ear. Ugh, Ben! You're the worst. Oh yeah I forgot Widmore killed Ben's daughter. Okay I guess Ben can be angry. But if he goes after Jack, I'll punch him in his beady eyes.

- Yes, Kate. Demand answers from Jacob. It's too bad nobody thought to do that earlier. They could've really saved themselves some trouble. And some Lapidus.

- Okay so duh we know one of them will have to protect the island. Is he going to tell us why Kate wasn't on the list?

- Back in sideways reality. Is Locke going to get the surgery? OMG I had to rewind when Locke asked Jack if that was his son in the picture because I thought it was a middle aged woman with a mom haircut. And we're back to Jack being the man of science and Locke being the man of faith. It's weird. But kind of cool. That is all I have to say about this scene.

- Jacob by the fire. Telling us stuff we already know. Come on. We just saw this episode last week. Okay here we go. He picked them all because they were all alone and looking for something. They need the island as much as it needs them. And Kate's crossed off because she's a mother. I can almost see the dry erase board in the writer's room with a list on it that says "Remaining unanswered questions", and the writers just checking them off while writing this scene. I like how Jacob's like, "You guys pick." And of course Jack volunteers immediately. Right there is where I wish Jacob would say, "Oh really? Wow if I had known it'd be that easy, I'd have ask you months ago!" Jack, as much as I don't want you to stay on the island alone, you were totally born to do this. You're right. From day one, you were the guy. You were the hero. It has to be you. Don't worry I will come to the island to live with you and make lots and lots of kids-or die trying.

- Sidenote: What the hell is up with the movie "Splice". Holy shit.

- So…no one's gonna say bye to Jack? Or, "Hey, thanks for sacrificing YOUR ENTIRE LIFE to save us all?"

- "Now you're like me." Does that mean Jack is immortal now? Cuz I am okay with a world in which Jack Shephard never dies. Also it's totally not fair that Jacob got eternal life by drinking wine, and Jack had to drink dirty river water. I'd be like, "Where's the Franzia?"

- Sideways reality. Ugh Ana Lucia. Dirty cop. She's the worst. Someone should shoot her in the stomach. You guys! That's mean!

- I like how Hurley knows everyone from island reality now. What's the plan, Desmond? Get everyone together at the concert and…? I have no idea, but I am freaking out for this in the finale.

- Back on the island. Desmond isn't in the well. Did Jack get him? And how is Desmond going to help him destroy the island? My brain hurts! Also didn't Fake Locke just promise the island to Ben? Whoops. Sorry, Ben. You just cannot trust smoke to keep its promises.

3 days until the finale. Oh my God!!

BRB

2010-05-20T06:06:00.003-04:00

Just popping in to say that I'm still here. I'm just still recovering from running the 10k on Sunday. Here were my exact thoughts as I crossed the finish line: "Someone kill me."

We have much TV to talk about. I'll be back tonight to do this thing.

Peace out, motherbitches.

Blinded by the light

2010-05-13T05:30:00.004-04:00

Hello, lovers. Yes it's really 4:30 am, and I am up. I passed out in my recliner like 6 hours ago and just woke up. Obviously I am now watching "Numb3rs" and blogging.

I'm on my new migraine medicine which I wrote about a couple weeks ago. I started a week and a half ago, and as promised by my doctor, I feel really weird. He says it's actually changing my brain functionality and how my heart pumps. So every afternoon, I get dizzy and hot. Then my eyes get weird, and I can't focus. And I am soooo tired. None of this is news. My doctor said it will take a few weeks for my system to get used to the drug. But it is making it hard for me to not pass out whenever I sit still. Thus I am blogging at 4:30am.

So I am on formspring now. You can go there and ask me questions, and I will answer them. Or you can use the box over to the left. I know there are so many questions everyone is dying to ask me. For example, 2 weeks ago, my lovely Biscuit asked me a question that I just answered 15 minutes ago about what life skills I will be passing on to my niece or nephew. I just want to say right now that I usually won't take 2 weeks to answer questions, and also Biscuit is pretty and funny and nice. (Do you forgive me, Biscuit?)

Note to Coolerboy: Last week's "Community" was amazing.

Last night, Channel 5 tried to kill me with its breaking weather news report. Because of them, Lost started 15 minutes late. That translated into angry Sarah while I was watching it on DVR. I had to wait until today for the the full episode to be posted on abc.com.

So I watched it tonight. Here is a quick summary of my feelings: Lots of info which was awesome. The acting was superb. But: wtf. I miss my Losties. I miss Lapidus. Sigh...Lapidus.

Uh oh-someone on Numb3rs is having sex right now. I am uncomfortable. Let's go back to math please, Numb3rs!

As usual, my thoughts as I had them.

- Hey that girl's pretty. Who's she? I just got really scared they were going to show a shark fin.

- Oh and there on the beach is the basket Moses floated in down the river.

- Uh oh. Pregnant lady on the island. Her baby's not going to make it, is it?

- Allison Janney!! Not. Looking. Good. Yikes. I'm sure she's really going to help this poor girl. "Hey I'm terrifying. Come with me if you want to die-I mean live! Live. Hahahaha. Why do you look so nervous?"

- There was a weird noise and now they speak English? That's like in "The Hunt for Red October" when they start out speaking Russian then the camera zooms in and zooms out and they're speaking English. At any rate, it's very helpful to me as I am too lazy to read while watching television.

- Hey wait is this maybe Jacob's mother? OHMIGOD I am amazing. I'm sure no one else in the world guessed she was Jacob's mother. Say wha?? Another baby? This has to be smoke monster baby, yes?! Smoke monster and Jacob are twins!!! "It's another boy. He's made of smoke." Damn those babies are cute. Even if one of them is evil. I have evil baby fever. Oh by the way, I don't like to read about Lost theories because they confuse the issue for me, but I do remember reading one thing a while ago about how Jacob and Smoke Monster might be brothers so don't be all like, "Duh everyone knows these are the famous Tweedle Dee and Tweedle Dum brothers from biblical times!" cuz I'll punch you.

- Oh what a huge surprise Allison Janney turned out to be a kidnapping psycho. I must say, Allison Janney is the shit as far as actresses go so this is fantabulous casting. Well done, Lost!

- Aw, young Jacob and Smoke Monster are cute playing Mancala. I like how they even got a blonde and a brunette. One question: why does the brunette have to be evil, huh, Lost? What exactly are you trying to say here!? By the way, young Jacob is who Fake Locke/Smoke Monster sees in the forest all the time, right?

- Speaking of, that kid looks exactly like old Jacob. Unreal.

- Holy crap I am terrified of Allison Janney. By the way, she totally loves Smoke Monster the best. He's her favorite.

- How does she know they'll live forever? Who is she dammit?

- Ah! Natives! I am so scared of natives.

- Okay I actually kind of love Smoke Monster, too. I am already angry on his behalf for whatever happens to him that turns him into a meanie shapeshifter.

- It would be pretty awesome if at the end of Lost, the two brothers realized that blood is thicker than water and made up and that's how it all ended. How angry would everyone in the world be except me?

- Magic tunnel of light! It's our time down here, Goonies! It's our time down here.

- Okay so the candidate is the person who will protect the light on the island. But I'm going to be honest-I’m not entirely clear on what the fuck the light is. Is it eternal life? Also let's think back here, no one besides Whidmore and Dharma have actually come to the island willingly. Jacob brings them there. She's all like, "So many people are going to come here to try and take it." Really? It seems like so many people are coming there and dying not knowing why they're on the island in the first place.

- Mancala! Uh oh-one day Jacob will make up his own game. I think we all know what that is. "Touch People Inappropriately and Bring Them to the Island" game. It's more fun than Scattergories!

- These kids have Claire hair.

- How come Jacob can't see dead people?

- Adolescence is so hard. Even when you're made of vapor and have been granted eternal life. Are you there, God? It's me, Smoke Monster.

- Quit being a pussy, Jacob! Go see the other side of the island, you mama's boy.

- Man I knew I'd end up feeling bad for Smoke Monster. Imagine finding out at 13 that your whole life's a lie then your twin brother punches you in the face 1700 times (sidenote: alarming). No wonder he's spent eternity trying to get off the island.

- Why is she convinced those people are bad? Does she just hate people in general? "Am I good, mother?" Uck-come on, Jacob! Grow a pair! Uh-oh. He totally called out Allison Janney for liking Smoke Monster better. This is so unfair. He totally has to be the kid who stays and does what his crazy mom says to make her happy because his brother rebelled. I know real siblings like this. It sucks being the one who stays behind. Poor Jacob.

- Grown up Jacob. Who might actually be related to the younger Jacob in real life. Oh, Jacob-always seeking mother's approval. Never quite getting what you need from her.

- I like Jacob and his brother getting along. And I totally feel for both brothers-one wanting desperately to see what else is out there and one not wanting to leave the only home he's ever known.

- Allison Janney's hair is…completely off the reservation.

- Oh and this is shocking-Jacob's a tattletale. "Mommy, Smokey's leaving the island!"

- Oh God she has the crazy eyes again. What's she going to do? I'm scared. Is she going to turn Smoke Monster into an actual smoke monster now?

- Donkey wheel explanation that doesn't really make sense? Check!

- Oh God here we go. She's going to kill him, turn him into smoke. It's the great smoke out.

- As Allison Janney was explaining how Jacob is now the protector of Marsellus Wallace's soul, MY DVR CUT OUT.

- Jacob has awesome pouty little kid face. "I don't want to protect this place." "I don't care!" Awesome! I do feel so bad for him. He lived his entire life never having any say in it.

- Allison Janney killed all of Smoke Monster's friends. God how many massacres have there been on this island? I feel really bad for Smokey. Also I am terrified cuz he is piiiiissed.

- Jacob's like, "I'll see you back home." Allison Janney's like, "Yeah. Don't count on it."

- AH! Stabby McStabberson!! Also: gross.

- Jacob's all, "You killed my mommy!" Into the vaginal tunnel of light! Aaaand…a smoke monster is born.

- Okay so I realize that both Jacob and Smokey are responsible for the deaths of a lot of my Losties, but, um, this is really sad. I feel so bad for both brothers. Ugh. Dammit, Lost.

- So the mother and Smokey's bodies are "Adam & Eve"-the corpses our Losties found in the cave? Yes! I am awesome.

- SHIRTLESS, SHORN JACK!!! More of this please!! Oh and they gave me more. Mmmm…

- Okay that scene is from like season 1 or something, right? Do you think the writers knew at the time what they were doing? Or do you think they wrote this later part of the story to match what happened in season 1? Cuz if they knew back then what they were going to do 5 seasons later…that's pretty bad ass.

Now is the time when you comment and tell me what is going on and what I missed. I am surprisingly dense so have at it. Also feel free to post any stills of shirtless Jack.

Today's injury

2010-05-06T00:49:00.000-04:00

I was in the shower and grabbed the razor to shave. I stuck it behind my head to put it under the shower head so I could rinse it off and as I did, I totally nicked my chin. It immediately started bleeding. I immediately started laughing. I was like, "Oh my God-I'm totally going to have to put a little piece of toilet paper on my face." I cut my face shaving my legs, you guys.

My friend Dan's reaction to this story: "Oh I was wondering what the hell happened to your face."

Awesome.

P.S. I got an email from a store I sometimes shop at, and this was the subject line: "Introducing Z. Cavaricci Couture!‏" Am I in junior high again? Will the next email be about Skidz?

I'm sorry non Lost watchers but there are only a few episodes left

2010-05-05T01:10:00.001-04:00

So my computer's been out of a commission for a few days because I broke the power cord. Unfortunately, I didn't notice until most of my battery was drained. It is sad how much I missed my computer. It was like the 1800s up in here. Luckily I am back in business. And right in time for Lost. It's a sign. Jacob probably had a hand in it.

So, um, we never talked about the number of times I shat myself over the past couple episodes. Ana Lucia 2 exploded? Shat. Desmond hit Locke with the car? Shat. Holy criminy. Did anyone see that coming?

Also? I MAY have had book club on Friday and we MAY have talked about Lost and I MAY have had a bit of a meltdown about how this season has been going-or not going really-and I MAY have scared my friends with my intensity. The main message I was trying to convey was this: there is a fine line between being along for the ride and being taken for a ride and right now I feel I'm being taken for a ride, and that makes me angry after 6 years of fierce loyalty. Give me an ending. I deserve it. But despite my annoyance, this show is essentially crack, and I care about the characters so I will watch, absorb, recap and, most importantly, curse liberally.

Tonight's Episode: Locke is mean, Whidmore is mean, Lost writers are mean

- Is Jack ever going to cut his hair again? Like ever?

- Alterna-Locke is a candidate! Dum-dum-duuuum!!! Get the fucking surgery, Locke! Also I love Peggy Bundy. Is she just totally adorable or what? She just like walks up and makes out with Jack for saving Locke. I totally want to be one of those ladies who gets away with doing stuff like that and people think it's charming. Rather than creepy and a violation of their personal space, like they do now.

- Okay I'm gonna need Chip to stop being all "I'm a tough nerd with a gun." Short sleeve flannel over long sleeve shirt, Chip. Come on. I'm also gonna need some clear cut answers on who's good and who's bad on this island.

- Bernard! It's not like I missed you at all, Bernard. It's not like you and Rose fill my heart with hope and happiness. It's not like there's a storm that's raging through my frozen heart tonight. I ain't missin' you at all-no matter what my friends say.

- Okay so Alterna-Jack should be sufficiently creeped out, right? That he has run into like 4 people from his flight? Also, I like how Bernard's like, "Of course I remember Anthony Cooper's name. I am amazing and funny and a loving husband. Now excuse me while I go back to creating these teeth molds. Did you know Okay Seriously's sister, Diane, once puked when the orthodontist tried to take this type of mold of her teeth? Talk to you later, Jack."

- Can I please have normal Sayid back? Please? At least Fake Locke is an intriguing bad ass. Weirdo Sayid's just scary.

- You know what a good answer to the question, "Why should I trust you?" is? "Because I could kill you." Oh okay. I'm feeling pretty good about this now.

- So Whidmore's putting them in cages for their own good. Do we believe him? If Sawyer and Kate relive their cage sex, I'll punch Sawyer right in his back pocket comb. Just kidding-he obviously doesn't have a comb with him. Yipes. Sorry, Kate, it's true-they don't need you. Anyone know why? Why isn't she a candidate? Is it because she's a criminal? Because she can't pick between Sawyer and Jack? Because she looks ridiculously hot even when she is unshowered and wearing no makeup?

- OMG Jin and Sun lovey dovey reunion. Loving this.

- Can anyone say "Uh-oh" more hilariously than Lapidus? Jeff Fahey rules. During my meltdown, I yelled out that he is the only one I really care about being alive at the end. That may have been the craziness talking, but I think there's a hint of truth there.

- Oh God. Smoke monster. This is not good. You know what's probably a good defense against smoke? A gun. Dammit Chip. Seriously what if they just got some giant turbo speed fans and pointed them at the smoke monster? Then they could disperse him all over the place and someone could show Claire the way to the shower. Whoops sorry I'm losing focus. I just can't help it. She is gross. Ah! Chip! I can't believe those were the last words I ever said to you! Forgive me, my love/nerd.

- Oh yeah. Frank ain't waitin'. He is gonna kick this bitch down. His chest hair cannot be contained by some silly cage.

- Yay! Jack!! I love you! You're a hero! Wait or are you? Your hotness distorts my judgement.

- Alterna Jack is totally obsessed with making Locke walk again. Locke's dad is looking pretty good. Not! (yeah I just said that) So does Locke want to stay in a wheelchair because his dad is stuck in a wheelchair? Seems likely.

- Oh boy they made it to the plane. I'm sure they will take off without a hitch.

- Hi, I'm Fake Locke. I will break everyone's neck.

- Hi, I'm Frank Lapidus. I am amazing and can fly any plane.

- So Whidmore wants to kill all of them? Why? WHAT IS GOING ON FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!?

- Ah! A feral island lady! Oh no it's just Claire.

- Part of me is like, why would these people ever trust in and follow a person who is actually a smoke monster wearing their dead friend's body? The other part of me is like, man if I had been stuck on that stupid island for that long and someone-anyone-was telling me they'd get me off of it, I'd follow them anywhere. Then the other part of me is like, yeah but if Jack's staying on the island, I'd stay on the island so we can help repopulate the Earth-or something else that makes no sense whatsoever but would imply me having sex with Jack.

- Okay at least Sawyer doesn't actually trust him. That's good. And he's calls him 'it'. And he doesn't want to be stuck in a submarine with him.

- Sidenote: I just heard a horrible never-heard-before sound in my house, and now I want my daddy.

- Alterna Locke: Push the button! I wish you had believed me! Ahhh!

- Okay Claire and Jack talking in sideways world. Can I please have a touching brother-sister moment for God's sake? I only waited for it for like 4 years. Then when they reunited on the island Jack was like, "Hey we're related." And Claire was like, "I am insane and haven't showered in 13 months." Yeah Jack has to be freaking out now that he keeps meeting people on his same flight. Okay that was kind of cute how they showed the two of them in the mirror. "We're not strangers, we're family!" Yay!

- AH! Island Claire close up! I was unprepared.

- For real who is going to drive the sub? Oh there's the captain. Maybe they'll make him drive at gunpoint. Sawyer's like, "Put your damn hands up. H to the Izz-O, V to the Izz-A."

- Can't Kate be a little sad that she's leaving Jack behind forever? HOLYSHITTHEYSHOTKATE!!! They fucking shot Kate. This situation is out of control. HOLYSHITTHEYLEFTCLAIRE!!! Man that submarine looks totally real. HOLYSHITTHEBOMBDOUBLECROSSIJUSTSHATMYPANTS!!! Not a commercial break! Dammit!

- For real if they blow up everyone on that sub, I'll punch someone. Lapidus is on that sub goddammit.

- I think the captain of the sub is like, "You guys are a pretty organized unit here. Dive, go back up."

- Whoa is regular Sayid back!? He seems kind of normal, yes? I am feeling glimmers of hope.

- Oh God, Jack, please be right. Please. I swear to God if that sub blows up… Okay I can't breathe.

- I knew it. I knew Sayid didn't kill Desmond. He's still good, you guys! Um. Sayid? No. Sayid, no! SAYID, NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

- No. Fucking. Way. Um, did Sayid just kill himself to save them? My wonderful, heroic Sayid finally comes back, and they kill him off!? I will kill you off, writers!!!

- Oh HELL NO!! I KNOW they didn't just kill off my boyfriend Frank! I honestly…I don't even know what to say right now. I'm just. I'm at a loss. How do I live without you, I want to know. How do I breathe without you, if you ever go. How do I ever…ever survive?? How do I, oh, how do I live…without your chest hair.

- Okay I cannot take this. Sun and Jin. No no no. I am not okay. Why are they doing this to me? What about their daughter?

- I need to pause here and take a breather. And by breather I mean wipe off the tears that are literally streaming down my face.

- I really need the alternate reality to be the actual reality. Because island reality is too heartbreaking for me.

- Ugh. In this reality Locke paralyzes his father. Okay alternate reality now heartbreaking. But still at least everyone is alive.

- Okay Sawyer's alive. He's one of very few. Yeah I can't take Hurley crying about Jin and Sun. Hurley's not supposed to cry.

Fuck. This. Episode.

It's not surprising that they're starting to kill off all the main characters. I think we all knew this was coming. But it's still disappointing. I was kind of hoping we'd be able to do this a different way. I hope they go somewhere with this soon.

I realize I don't really talk about theories on this show anymore. That is because I really have none. It tires me out because I just feel like we probably won't get answers. I am the opposite of Jack: where he once was a man of reason, he's now a man of faith. Well I was once a woman of faith, and now I am a woman of reason. What I'm trying to say is, I am Paula Abdul and he is MC Skat Kat.

Everyone should read this

2010-04-26T21:11:00.009-04:00

Good Lord, April has been an abysmal month for Okay Seriously blogging, hasn't it? It's a testament to how busy I've been, how often I haven't felt well and, let's face it, how lazy I am. So I owe you, dear reader (I'm assuming there's only one left. Hi, Mom!). So here's a mash up of a bunch of crap.

My favorite songs right now:
"Out of the Blue" by Julian Casablancas, "Sunny Day" by Joy Williams and everything by The Maine. Listen to them. Smile. Dance in your car like no one's watching. Then look around and realize people are watching. Then feel kind of dumb. Then remember that you don't really care because at least you're not picking your nose like the dude behind you.

What I'm reading:
"The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society" by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows. I've gotten as far as the title. It's a really long title. Just kidding-I'm almost done with the book. It's absolutely lovely.

My latest injury:
I jammed my kneecap into a garbage can walking into the house today after work. I then broke the world record for the number of times someone can say "fuck" in 20 seconds.

And now some pictures.

These are cookies my mom, sister and I made as favors for our friend Renee's baby shower. The theme of the baby's room is Little All Star so, essentially, sports. Yeah. We made these. We are three of the most uncreative people to ever grace this earth, and we. made. these. m-effers. Listen I don't want to brag, but I do want to post this picture on the Internet to show how awesome we are. In all honesty, we made hundreds of cookies, and it was a lot of hard work, but Renee is totally worth it.

Since you've been such patient readers, here is a special treat for you.

Twenty years later, my residual anger at my mother for forcing this haircut reared its ugly head in my Maid of Honor toast at my sister's wedding. Feel my pain.

But perhaps the best picture of all is this:

This was sitting on the coffee table at my sister's house, and I said, "Oh is this from Grayson?" (Grayson is Diane and Drew's nephew). And Diane said, "No. It's for you."

Are we putting the pieces together yet, Internet?

I'M GOING TO BE AN AUNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This news makes me so happy that I literally skip around my house when I think about it. My little sister is going to have a baby. That baby is going to be my niece or nephew. Holy shitzu.

Things I have started stocking up on:
- gum
- sage advice
- Velamints*

Obviously when they told me the news, I reacted calmly-as I do to most things. And by that I mean, I immediately started crying. And screaming. And hugging. Diane and Drew are going to be amazing parents. And my niece or nephew is going to be the greatest kid ever. And I will take him or her to Vegas on their 21st birthday. Most 21 year olds really want to go to Vegas with their 54 year old aunt, right?

More to come on this as the news comes in. So far all I know is that he or she is the size of a lime and is making my sister feel like shit. And I love him or her.

One more blast from the past.

I numbered some parts of this picture. Professionally.

1. That's an ashtray. Remember back in the 70's when everyone smoked in the house? You can't see the cigarette in my right hand.

2. I'm pretty sure my parents still have this lamp.

3. This car is awesome.

4. This was my little keyboard where pretty much every key played the same note.

5. This baby is having a baby.

6. This kid is still single. And is going to be a pretty good aunt as soon as she gets her swearing under control.

*My mom used to carry Velamints in her purse at all times. I looked it up. Apparently they still make them. This is amazing news. Can we bring back Chewels?

Update on me

2010-04-23T00:53:00.000-04:00

Just a brief message to say hello and sorry I've been MIA. In addition to being busier than I've been in a long time, my head has apparently decided I shall never live pain free again. I make jokes about my migraines, but essentially my life has been kind of on hold the past couple weeks because of them. It's affecting all aspects-work, home, blogging. So I figure I have two options: beg my doctor for relief or saw my head off. I don't own a saw, so I went to my doctor this morning. He's gonna hook me up with some new meds. Basically he said, "This new drug will change how your brain works." Let's hope it doesn't take away the poop jokes.

I had time to watch one show tonight. I chose "Community". Great choice. Who watched it? This is why it's one of the best shows on television:

Jeff: "Why do you have a monkey?"
Troy: "Uh...it's an animal that looks like a dude. Why don't I have 10 of them?"

Good thing I was wearing my Depends because I think I peed my pants.

Segue to a Segway

2010-04-14T01:04:00.000-04:00

I haven't watched "Lost" yet so the post will have to come tomorrow. Also I haven't watched "Glee" yet, but I'm so excited it's back I might just pee my pants. Also I haven't finished uploading my Florida pictures. I'm pretty useless all around. And I smell like urine.

But I have to tell you what we did on Sunday. We took a tour of Cleveland. On Segways. For real. Steph got sent an email advertising a discount for a company that does tours of the city but instead of a walking tour or a driving tour, it was a Segway tour. I have always wanted to ride a Segway because seriously how hilarious are those things. So Diane and I decided to go with her. Also Diane bought Drew a ticket without really telling him what we were doing. Marriage is awesome.

We got there, and our tour guide Karl was waiting outside for us. Well I should say, we pulled in to the parking lot and stopped because we didn't know where to go. Then as if he knew, Karl called us to see if we knew where we were going. When we told him we were just sitting in the driveway, he came outside and waved at us. I was immediately smitten.

Karl is a 75 year old retiree who used to be in the Air Force. He is, in a word, awesome. As soon as we got there we told him we were really excited to ride Segways, and he told us the story of why he decided to buy his first Segway. He was watching "Frasier" and Niles was riding one around and doing figure 8s. And Karl was freaking out because it was so cool. God I love Karl. More on him later.

Anyway, we took turns learning how to ride before our tour started. We made Steph go first, and he picked out the Segway that was set at the shortest height. I made a Steph is short joke. It was well received by Diane and Drew. It was not well received by Steph. Hey at least I didn't call you a leprechaun, Steph!

I can't explain how hard I was laughing watching Steph ride a Segway. I don't know why. Maybe it was because she was going so slow. Maybe it was because of the helmet. Or maybe it was because of the SEQUIN SHIRT AND SHORT SKIRT SHE WAS WEARING. What else would you wear to ride a Segway at noon on a Sunday? Leggings, a skirt and a sequin top, right? She said she wanted to look nice for her first Segway tour. I…I don't even know what to add to that.

It was my turn to learn the Segway next. I put on my helmet, suppressed some highly inappropriate jokes about people who have to wear helmets and put one foot on the Segway. Immediately it started flashing red and making lots of beeping and stuttering noises. I was like, "Oh my God, Karl, I broke your Segway." Then I was like, "Why doesn't this Segway call me fat more." Luckily I didn't actually break the Segway cuz seriously I don't think I could've taken that ego hit. I got back on and Karl held on to it while I got my balance. Then like a dad who's teaching his kid how to walk, he went a few feet in front of me, held out his arms and said, "Come to Karl." It. Was. Amazing.

I got the hang of it pretty quick, and if you haven't ridden one before, I'll just tell you: they are awesome. After 1 minute on it, I wanted to buy one. I would totally ride it around my neighborhood to get the mail and then fall off of it when I saw a car 2 miles in the distance.

Once we all learned how to go forward, backward, turn and stop, we had to go outside to learn the next lesson: going downhill. Everyone did great. And by everyone I mean everyone except me. Karl made me do it twice-everyone else only had to do it once. It was a hill approximately 4 feet long. The first time I went down it so fast and out of control, I literally almost killed Karl. What if I killed someone with a Segway? I almost died-for real-by getting hit by a pack of bicycles once. I feel like the Segway death might be even more embarrassing. After I tried going downhill again-much better-the second time, he told me he was proud of me. My heart swelled.

We then began our tour of the city at 5mph. For the first 15 minutes, I just kept saying, "Are we really doing this right now? Is this really happening?" Karl told us he loves the Segway because he gets a lot of looks from the ladies. Well, we definitely got a lot of looks. They were not so much of envy as much as confusion and/or mocking. One lady who was my mom's age said, "That looks like fun!" She is obviously a professional mom-trying to make us feel cool when we are clearly not cool.

"That looks like fun!" - Professional Mom pretending to be my mom

At one point we saw 2 guys jogging. I yelled out, "That looks a lot harder than this!" They laughed and waved (i.e., politely put up with me.) Then Diane and Steph told me to stop yelling out to strangers.

I have been on many tours of Cleveland in my lifetime. Not to mention the fact that I have lived here for 33 years and worked downtown for 11. So I didn't know how much I would really get out of the tour itself. Well, it was fantastic. Mostly because Karl is fantastic. I honestly can't say enough good things about him. He is so interesting and intelligent and friendly and abso-freaking-lutely hilarious. He knows so many things. Not just about Cleveland. About everything. Fifteen minutes into the tour, we were all totally in love with Karl. Clevelanders, if you can, go on this tour. It's so fun!

My favorite part is when we would have to cross the street, and Karl would tell us to line up in single file then he would go first and hold a hand up to any cars coming our way. He stopped traffic for us.

I am happy to say, there are no injuries to report from this excursion. I know-I'm as surprised as you. I did almost run into a garbage can. And Steph. But luckily no harm was done.

When it was over, we didn't want it to be over. We wanted to take Karl with us. But that would be selfish. Also I'm pretty sure he has a life outside of us. The question is: how can we become a part of that life? I think Steph might already be working on this. And no-I am not kidding.

So what'd you guys do this weekend? Walk places on foot? Lame.

Oh how I missed you, Desmond

2010-04-08T01:05:00.001-04:00

A few things before we talk about "Lost".

1. Yesterday we went to happy hour at Stone Mad, and I had one of the best drinks I've ever had in my life which was Blueberry Stoli vodka and fresh squeezed lemonade. I told everyone that one night on a weekend, I want to go back and see how many I can drink in an hour. Cuz I bet it's a lot. New summer drink!

2. Steph was not sober after our happy hour, and she got into my new car to look at it, and I opened the sunroof to show it to her, and she goes, "Aw shit-I'm on a boat! Do you know that song?" then she immediately got out of the car. Also she ordered ham at the bar, and they didn't have ham.

3. I just found out that my dad's ringtone for when my mom calls him is "The Bitch is Back".

Now. Lost. Um...what??? As usual, my thoughts as they occur:

I'm so happy to see Desmond again. Is it bad that I don't remember Ben shooting him? Wait was it at the docks or something? Holy eff Desmond just freaked the eff out on Whidmore. That was hot.

Jin is hot. He's going to be on the new "Hawaii 5-0" remake. The other guy who's going to be on it is also totally hot. Also Spike from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" is going to be on it. So even though it will probably be a horrible show, I feel it's my duty as a television and hot guy lover to tune in.

Dude Chip is totally in charge of this test, and he is none too pleased his time table has been messed with.

Oh God what happened to that guy. Ew is he on fire? For a minute I thought it was going to be like Die Hard 2 where that guy gets sucked into the jet engine, and I was like, "No need to show that, Lost."

Oh man. That guy is toasty. If Whidmore kills Desmond, I will kill him. Which definitely makes a lot of sense since he is a real person.

Okay What. Just. Happened. Did Desmond get sent into the ether?

OMG what if you were at the airport and hot Desmond helped you with your luggage? He is dreamy. How come I never meet dreamy helpful foreign men in the airport?

Okay, quit being a creepo, guy from Short Circuit.

Mah! Whidmore and Desmond are friends! Desmond works for Whidmore! Up is down! Left is right!

I think if I ever went to jail, I also would make an immediate b-line to the bar upon my release.

Charlie is waxing poetic about love. Is he talking about Claire? I'm sure Desmond is like, "No now I totally believe in love since you saw it in a dream you had in the last seconds of your quickly fading life."

Driveshaft's music is surprisingly tame for all the drug and rock 'n' roll drama behind the scenes. It sounds like it should be on Soft Rock 102.1.

HOLY EFF, CHARLIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? Car in the water! Oh. My. God. I just pooped my pants. Desmond is remembering the island reality!! Remember "Not Penny's Boat"? God that was the best season finale ever.

Sidenote: "Happy Town" looks hilarious. Seriously what? What is up with that show? Every ad I've seen for it is totally terrifying.

Oh God Desmond has to push a button in every reality. Hey I've never had an MRI, but they look fucking horrible. Ooh-okay proof that no one looks good with a fish eye lens. Oh man Desmond remembers Penny. Desmond, she's on Thursday nights on "Flash Forward" if you're trying to find her!

So apparently Whidmore's wife is scary. It's gotta be Eloise, yes? Yes. She really is scary. OMG of course Eloise is aware of all fates that take place in all timelines. She is all knowing in every reality.

Faraday! Nice hat, Debbie Gibson.

Oh yay Faraday still has his trusty notebook. Holy Christ I seriously love Faraday. He knows everything. He totally figured out that the alternate reality they're in is an alternate reality. Amazing.

Penny's real, Desmond! She's not an idea! You love her! YES-Desmond and Penny reunion! Now when can I get a Jin-Sun reunion?

I'm glad Desmond understands what's going on. Because I don't.

Good Lord Sayid is stealth. You don't even hear him coming until he's breaking your neck.

What is happening? Is Desmond just switching back and forth between the two realities? Alterna-Desmond's about to lay some truth on our Alterna-Losties. It's gonna be epic. I think. To be honest I'm not quite sure. I'm not sure what the end goal is-to get everyone back on their "correct" path?

Okay please discuss in the comments as my brain isn’t processing fast enough for me. I need theories, people!

My tan is already fading

2010-04-06T00:21:00.004-04:00

I'm back! Florida was fantastic. I'm still putting together my slide show post for you. I know you can't wait.

I was just watching the latest episode of "Parenthood" and got about 10 minutes in until a scene where a 34 year old goes to a fertility doctor, and he says that female fertility declines massively between the ages of 34 and 37. I won't go into the gory details of the horribly depressing emotional tailspin this remark sent me into, but suffice it to say I stopped the show immediately, am considering ceasing to watch this show at all anymore and will now be going to bed to cry myself to sleep. Sorry-I hate to take it to a sad place, but sometimes even old Okay Seriously has her down moments.

Okay I need some cheering up. How about some hilarious conversations I've had with my hilarious friends lately? The first one was in person. The rest were over cell phone text messages.

Keith: "Sarah, is that a new shirt?"
Me: "Yes. It's a little bolder than I usually go for, but I like it."
Keith: "Well, yeah, it's bold, but my question is where's the cleavage? The ladies like to come out to happy hour, too. All I'm saying is, it's not your best shirt."

Scott: Sends me a picture of his son Drew with the text "Drew says hi!"
Me: Sends Scott a picture of my brother in law Drew with the text "Drew says hi!"
Scott: "OMG! He's getting so big. Its been so long since I saw him. What is he now...360 months? They grow up so fast. Cherish these years."

John: "Did you get a chance to see d's?"
Me: "What"
John: "deez nuts"
Me: "Dammit. i knew it
John: "ahhhh haaaaa"

Me: "Just got hit on by the hot dog vendor"
John: "you give him your info?"
Me: "By info do u mean order? cuz yes"
John: "footlong tubesteak smothered in underwear?

That last one was today as I was walking to my parking garage. I snorted. Really loud. Speaking of parking garage...

Check.

This.

Out!

That is my new baby. Sorry about the bush in the front. Ahahahaha. Dammit, you guys, grow up. I picked her up last Friday 3/26. Then I immediately left for Florida the next morning. But I am back now and driving her around, and she is AMAZING! I am seriously obsessed with her. She has XM radio. How have I lived without satellite radio for this long? I was pretty sure when I got this car, it would be a boy. I knew as soon as I saw her, though, that she is a girl. Yes I am one of those people who assigns a gender to their car. And also names it. Does this surprise you at all? My blogiversary posts are about my blog actually being alive. In the last one it was pointing a gun at me. I'm insane.

Well I couldn't decide on a name. Then I had to run up to Target for some last minute stuff for my trip (and it was an excuse to drive the new car), and I said, "Okay, baby, we need a name for you. What are you thinking?" Then I turned her on and was immediately surrounded by the sounds of the chorus from "Toy Soldiers" by Martika. And so Martika it is-Tika for short. You guys can't judge me. She picked it herself.

Seriously, though, my car is freaking awesome. And I swear I'm not as weird as I sound*.

*lie

A whole mess of stuff

2010-03-27T01:02:00.001-04:00

Well. I guess I asked for it by writing it down that I needed Syracuse to win. No matter. We all win now, since, as promised, I wrote another poem. 2010 Entry #2 into the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament Poetry Hall of Fame:

"J'accuse, Syracuse!" by Okay Seriously

This Syracuse poem will be pretty short and sweet
Because as you all know, they just got effing beat.

They were my second chance, my one and only hope.
Then along came Butler, and now this is how I cope.

I'm blaming it on John, though I can't remember why
But I feel very confident it had to do with that guy

I love March Madness and all that it involves
But there are always a few teams I want to punch in the balls.

Syracuse is one of those as they broke my heart.
In my pathetic bracket showing, they played a big part.

Orangemen, thanks so much for ruining my pool
But hey-it's okay. At least your mascot's really cool.

Now go take your rightful place which is over in the loo.
Because goddammit, Syracuse, you are complete poo.

The End

Despite my losses, March Madness continues to be completely awesome. I love you forever, March Madness.

Tomorrow, we are heading to Florida for the week. I don't think I'll have any way of blogging, but if I find a way, I will do it. I'm sure everyone will be chomping at the bit to see my vacation slide show. In the meantime you can follow me on Twitter where I will keep you all updated on my sun allergy condition. By the way, it hasn't escaped me that we're going to Florida during spring break. I'm sure I will have no trouble fitting in with the college kids. I'll just wear a Girls Gone Wild t-shirt and talk about how I heard some guy staying at the Days Inn broke his neck trying to jump from his room's balcony into the hotel pool. This will be easy.

Before I go. Lost on Tuesday? What? Extra quick recap because um, holy eff.

Some things about Richard:
1. He should always go by Ricardos.
2. He is losing his mind.
3. In the 1800s while riding a horse, he looks like he should be on the cover of a romance novel.

Just tell me which guy is the bad guy. I cannot take it anymore.

I should've known Hurley was talking to Richard's dead wife. Okay so according to her, it really is Bizarro Locke who's the baddie. I trust her. She has a pretty accent.

More Fahey!

During the scenes on the boat when they were in the ocean going to the island, I was waiting for Jack Sparrow to show up and save the day.

The officer's reaction to being shipwrecked (i.e., killing all the prisoners) seemed pretty reasonable. Definitely not an overreaction. Sickness maybe?

Oh my God was that pig eating a person?? OHMYGODWASTHATPIGEATINGAPERSON!?

It's official: no one looks cool walking through high brush. No matter how pretty you are, Richard.

The guy who plays Jacob totally plays Lucifer on Supernatural. So I am just all jumbled up here. One thing is clear: if I ever met him, I would turn and run.

Everyone have a great week! Except you, Kansas and Syracuse!

So March. So Mad.

2010-03-23T00:05:00.001-04:00

As quickly as it begins, it ends. Every year, March Madness. Every year you make me so happy and then so mad. And soooo much more unproductive at work (I love you, espn.com with real time scoreboard updates.) And every year I still come back for more because I need you in my life. Here is my 2010 entry into the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament Poetry Hall of Fame. An upfront warning: perhaps not my best work as this was hastily-and angrily-written. Because ho. ly. shit.

"We're not in Kansas anymore. And by 'we' I mean people who win things." by Okay Seriously

Saturday night I sat without care
Not worried about how my teams would fair.

After all, at this point we were only three days in.
Surely there was still a chance I could win.

Then Kansas was like, "Hey you know what'd be sweet?
If we ruined Sarah's life and got ourselves beat.

It's not like she chose us to come in first place.
I'm sure she'll handle this loss with true grace."

Listen I am a lady and handle things with class.
That being said…SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS!

Day 3? Are you serious? Day 3 and I'm out?
I hate you, Kansas. Without a doubt.

You come in here like, "Hey we're number one!"
Then Northern Iowa's like, "Yeah no you're done."

How can I put in to words how much you suck?
To quote my friend John: "Fucking Kansas. FUCK."

As punishment you'll listen to my angry rambling.
What do you mean I have a problem with gambling?

Everyone cross your fingers that my second bracket keeps going. If Syracuse loses, I am holding John personally responsible, and a second poem WILL be written and John WILL be the lead character. Last year's poem is here.

I now have all the answers

2010-03-16T23:32:00.003-04:00

I realize I've been slacking in my "Lost" duties, but I am back. Let's do this thing! Spoilers ahead.

- I really need Sawyer to recognize that his former Lostie friends are now creepazoid versions of themselves so that he can step up and save the day.

- Bad boy Sawyer is way hot, but cop Sawyer? HOOOOOOOOT!!!

- I like Miles and Sawyer as friends and partners. Good stuff. Do you think Miles can talk to dead people in sideways reality? We'll probably find out soon enough.

- Bizarro Locke was way forthcoming about being the smoke monster. I did not expect a confession that fast. Also I really wish anyone on this show would react normally to anything ever. Sawyer's reaction to Bizarro Locke telling him he's a smoke monster was basically like, "Oh okay." This kind of writing is relentlessly annoying. I get that it's consistent with how this show has been written since day one so that's fine. But it's the final f*cking season, and there are like 8 episodes left. So let's. get. a. move on.

- Charlotte off the island is a mega babe! A little hair care and makeup does wonders for her. Are Charlotte and Sawyer gonna do it? Oh. Yes they are. That was like 3 minutes into the date, yes? So she's kind of a slut, too. Nice. Oh and she's an idiot. Like he wouldn't see her going through his personal stuff?

- Uh oh-am I supposed to recognize the dress Sawyer is crying over? I'm assuming it's Juliet's, but there are about 12 million details I'm supposed to remember on this show.

- Holy Claire freak out. Bizarro Locke's like, "This is completely inappropriate." Understatement of the year? I don't like scary Claire. Or scary Sayid. I would like my Losties to be normal and friends again please. This isn't what I had in mind for this season!

- Ew! Pile of dead bodies covered in flies! I can say with 99% certainty that that image and sound will be in my nightmares tonight.

- Oh good. We're 8 episodes from the end of the show, and we're still introducing new characters.
- I thoroughly enjoy Miles. I would like for him to tell us what he heard when Sayid died and came back alive.

- Man Sawyer's so mad he will punch a mirror. It's just like when Rick Springfield punched a mirror in the "Jessie's Girl" video because he was just. so. angry!

- This plane survivor lady is clearly up to something. "How many people are with you? Do you guys have guns?" Give me a break, lady! I'm not even a trained con man, and I can see through your little act. Holy crap the guy yelling at Sawyer to drop his gun is totally Chip from "Kate & Allie"!

I am the keeper of all 80's sitcom stars.

- Okay so these new people (the 14th set of Others) are Whidmore's people, right?

- I love that in sideways reality Sawyer watches "Little House on the Prairie" reruns to unwind. That might be the most unrealistic thing that's ever been on this show.

- Um…okay am I totally crazy or is Charlotte completely out of line? If anyone should be mad here, it's Sawyer. Not the other way around. She's a freaking nosy beeyotch who should never have opened up that folder.

- Okay yes they're Whidmore's people. Are we ever going to find out what the hell he wants with this island? Why does he want to kill Bizarro Locke? Sawyer seems to know why. Is this something we were supposed to infer? Answers, anyone?

- This reminds me: Penny and Desmond? Ever again? I miss them.

- I like the dramatic music for the "huge" revelation, "We ain't takin' the plane, Freckles. We're takin' the sub." They may have overestimated how chilling that line would be judging by the intensity of the music.

You guys, I've pretty much given up all hope of ever finding out anything on this show. I know I am a total Debbie Downer about it so my sincerest apologies to you all. But here is what I think the entire time I watch an episode: "Let's fucking move it along, folks." I can't help it! There are literally like 8 or 9 episodes left, and we are no closer to knowing anything at all. It's taking the joy out of it for me. I've invested 6 years into a story, and I don't think it's asking a lot to want an actual conclusion.

Here is a good example of how irritating this is getting: In the previews for next week, Richard says, "Do you want to know a secret? Something I've known for a long time? All of this? It's not what you think!" No shit! That is brand new information! Like, for real? For real, Lost writers?

Okay sorry. Bitching is over. Annoying or not, this show is still better than 95% of other shows out there, and it still makes for AWESOME conversations with friends especially after a few drinks. Also for the most hilarious Lost (and Gossip Girl) recaps ever, please go to Videogum. Honestly that site has improved the quality of my leisure time.

I better get to bed. St. Patrick's Day tomorrow! I'm going to work. And by work I mean out to bars at 8am. Expect shenanigans.

Stupid pictures on my phone

2010-03-16T01:31:00.002-04:00

Drew took this picture at Epcot Center because he was obsessed with these viking statue guys.

He sent this to me so I would always have it. The caption was "You love this guy". If by "love" he means "are terrified of" then he is right.

John sent this to me tonight with the caption "What is my mom thinking?"

And seriously what is she thinking? Let me just say this one more time for the record so we're all on the same page: IF YOU ARE NOT USING HEINZ KETCHUP YOU ARE NOT USING REAL KETCHUP. Get this JV crap out of my face. I think the only explanation here is that John's mom hates me.

My friend Special Dark who Johnny Virgil and I have talked about before sent this to me:

The caption on this: "Thought you should know your blog is the only non tech related thread I care about. Miss you!" You have no idea how happy this made me for realz. I miss you, too, SD! Sooo much!

I saw this at the grocery store.

Is this horrible or awesome? I think maybe it's the most awesome thing ever. I like how it says "Keeps you warm and your PAWS free!" like it's marketing directly to dogs. Like a dog is going to read that box and be like, "Hmm...paws free? Intriguing! Could I wear it at a football game?" It literally took all my willpower to not buy one for our little Henry. But then I realized as soon as I put it on him he would tear it off and use it to play fetch with himself (you guys, he totally uses blankets to "throw" his toys and then he fetches them. Cutest. Dog. Ever.).

This was slid under the bathroom door at Heck's Cafe 3 seconds after I had gotten in there to do my business.

I could hear my friends tell the wait staff, who had clearly caught them in the act, "It's okay. We know her." When Steph got in there we sent her notes, too, but they were poopy jokes, and Steph does not appreciate scatological humor. So that made it even funnier. It's possible this was after several rounds of drinks. By the way, the plan was to go for "only a couple drinks" after work. Well maybe you should tell that to Light Bistro that sells me $3 Sex on the Beaches. It's okay, though, because once we got to Heck's for some dinner, I decided to take it easy and when the server asked me what I wanted to drink, I deliberated and made the wise choice: a martini. Damn you, alcohol! Why are you so delicious and fun!?

This picture I had just sitting on my phone. I took it one day when I was making cocktail weenies for a party, and I sent it to John. I know it's childish, but every time I look at it, I giggle like an 11 year old boy.

The swelling of pride my parents must feel when they see things like this is probably almost painful for them.

Another picture I tried to add but couldn't because of some privacy issues were of two checks I gave to John for Girl Scout cookies. In the memo line I wrote the names of the people for whom I was paying. John, of course, added his own touch so that now they look like this:

#1 - Sarah & Ne oral

#2 - Diane backdoor

You stay classy, John!

P.S. The latest episode of "Numb3rs" totally had Bill Nye the Science Guy on it. Tell me that show is not awesome.

P.P.S. I bought the Turbo Snake the other day for some drain issues, and here is my official review: it totally works and it's totally gross. Which, if you really think about it, might mean that I am gross since it's my drains and my clogs.

P.P.P.S. Is Timothy Olyphant just getting hotter or what's the deal there? I always thought he was attractive, but, you know, he never bowled me over with his hotness. Then I saw a preview for his new show, "Justified", and he's all like rugged, tough cowboy manliness and I'm like, "Yes please."

License to drive

2010-03-12T05:19:00.004-05:00

Don't mind the timing of this post. I've been up on and off all night. I think it's because tonight was a big night in the Okay Seriously household: I bought a car. Holy poop I bought a new car. See, I've been thinking about getting a new car for a year now. It's not that I don't love my current car. I do. And by that I mean that I hate it. It's 9 years old, and has so many problems. Just so so many problems. I have loved it, honestly, but now it's like if I don't get rid of it soon I will punch it in the face. Which I guess is the grill? The dash? I don't know. But I'll punch it.

So I have been looking at a bunch of cars and going on a bunch of test drives, and tonight I finally bit the bullet. I picked out the base model because I don't need anything too fancy, and I wanted to keep it affordable. Then I immediately bought the fanciest model they have. Because I like to make monthly budgeting a challenge. I bought the Toyota Rav4 because I also like going fast. All the time. Without being able to stop.

My mom went with me because I am 33 and cannot buy cars by myself. I had a plan for how to negotiate which completely went out the window when I got there because I was so nervous I thought I would throw up. I did have to get sassy when they low-balled me on the trade in value of my car. And it worked. I just showed him my boobs. No I'm kidding. I'm so above that. (Not really-it's just that my mom was there.)

I don't have the car yet. I should have it within the week. Then I expect my first car accident within about 6 hours after that. I'll post pictures-before and after.

Now...let's talk about what's really important: Corey Haim.

You guys, while not surprised, I am devastated. In my mind, it was only a matter of time until he was back on his feet, and the Coreys would once again rule the movies. But I realize now it was a pipe dream.

So all I can say now is, Corey, I hope you finally have peace. Thank you for bringing me so much joy during my formative years. Especially thank you for "Lost Boys" which is clearly the greatest Corey collaboration in history. Even so, this is how you will live on in my memory:

"No thanks, Dad. I already have a Mercedes."

P.S. By the way I totally just saw Mr. Scheuster from "Glee" as a cop who's also a rapist on "Numb3rs". It was creepy. I was expecting him to sing. Like about rape. There are a lot of top 40 songs about rape. Obviously I am always watching "Numb3rs". Truthfully, you guys know I have insomnia issues. Well, "Numb3rs" is on TNT late at night. And sometimes when I can't sleep I watch it. And listen I'm just going to say it: I freaking love "Numb3rs". They use math to solve crime! Math! God I love math. Also on late at night? "Cold Case". But I mean seriously who likes that show? I DO! They solve cases that are old! Yes please! So...let's just take a minute here. I bought a new car I could never have afforded 10 years ago, one of my childhood heroes died, and I love CBS procedurals on TNT. I just leapt into old age.

Still have a pulse

2010-03-03T03:07:00.002-05:00

So I am still alive. I literally haven't been home before about 10pm at all for the past week. Tonight I had a migraine so bad I fell asleep at 8 and just woke up in my recliner. You know what's a pretty comfortable place to sleep? Not a recliner.

Anyway, my apologies for not being around. I promise a Lost recap for tomorrow, and if I can finish writing up the story of when we went out to dinner last week in a way that's even 10% as funny as it actually was, you will not be sorry.

In the meantime, please enjoy this story about a person who's lazier than even me and also this brief story about Steph:

First, some background: Steph does not wear jeans or pants. Ever. I have seen her in pants maybe 3 times since I've known her. She wears skirts and dresses at all times. A few weeks ago, Steph went to Florida for work. I watched her dog for her. When she got in to town, she called me from the plane to tell me she had landed and that it would take a little time for her to get her stuff together, get off the plane and bundle up because she was in a skirt. She called me from her seat in the back of the plane where she was surrounded by strangers. And said this:

Steph: Hey! So we landed. But it'll be just a little while because I'm in the back of the plane, and I'm not wearing pants.

I completely understood what she meant because Steph wears skirts so I thought nothing of it. However, the people around her? Did not know about Steph's skirts. And heard her tell me she wasn't wearing pants. Immediately I could hear laughing in the background. I still didn't get it. Not until she texted me 2 minutes later and told me that the people around her were laughing, and one guy a few rows up yelled back to his friend who was sitting by her and asked if he wanted to trade seats.

Awesome.

Faster, Higher, Stronger, Drunker

2010-02-18T00:57:00.007-05:00

The Olympic opening ceremonies were on Friday. You might remember that we did something special for the opening night of the summer Olympics 2 years ago. So we felt we needed to do something in celebration of these Olympics. Steph decided to have a party. Everyone was to pick what country they wanted to be, come dressed like that country and bring a food dish traditional for that country.

Here's who we had:

- Meg was Jamaica. She wore green, braided her hair and said "mon" after every sentence. She brought plantains and Jamaican jerk chicken.

- Drew was Poland and wore a lot of red and white and brought paczkis. For some reason, he wore shorts. He also had a thing pinned to his shirt that said something about polish sausage. I can't remember exactly what it said, but it was innuendoy.

- Sharda was Mexico and didn't dress up at all. Yeah I just called you out, Sharda.

- Aloyd was Australia, but didn't dress up either because he picked Australia when he showed up. Called. Out.

- Steph was Ireland and basically dressed up as if she was going out for St. Patrick's Day. I'm quite sure they don't wear beads and vests with shamrocks on them in Ireland itself. Steph made several kinds of food, but I'm not sure if any of them were actually Irish. She can correct me in the comments if need be.

- Christy was France. She brought brie and french bread and french wine. She wore a beret and a scarf and carried a long cigarette. And by cigarette I mean candy stick which she held as if it was a cigarette all night long.

- Woody was Scotland and wore a kilt. For real. His food dish? Scotch.

- I was USA. Unoriginal choice? Maybe. But I wanted to represent. I wore red, white and blue, a big stars and stripes hat and gave myself a gold medal preemptively. It had a red, white and blue ribbon and it said "#1" on it. Steph was like, "You can't give yourself a medal before the games start." And I was like, "Hello I'm USA. I'm arrogant and I'm number #1." I brought apple pie and corndogs.

- Matt was Germany and wore his grandpa's actual lederhosen. He walked in with tear away pants on then when they tore away: lederhosen. I couldn't look at Matt all night without cracking up. He brought several kinds of sausage and sauerkraut.

Matt does not wear lipstick.

- Diane was Canada. She brought some kind of amazing sandwich that you dip in maple syrup. And you just have to see what she wore:

Some of you will recognize that as Phillip, half of Canada's famous duo Terrance and Phillip on "South Park". What you can't see: she had the cut off sleeve of a t-shirt on her head. It said Molson. Let's do a close up of that pin she's wearing, shall we?:

I love my sister.

Before the ceremonies started, we all started arguing about which country was better. At one point my sister held up her Phillip picture and yelled, "Stick your finger up your butt!" That won't mean anything to you if you've never seen South Park, but I literally cried I was laughing so hard. Also during the argument Meg said, in a horrible Jamaican accent, "Jamaica love everybody, mon."

As everybody's country walked into the stadium, we would cheer. I, of course, stood up and waved my flag (I brought a flag) and chanted "U-S-A!" No one else in the room, all from the United States, cheered. They all conceded they should be cheering, but no one was. When Poland came up, Drew polkaed. By himself.

Another awesome highlight: Meg asked the question, "If they light the torch indoors, how can they show it outside in aerial shots like they usually do?" It got quiet and everyone stared at her for a couple minutes then suddenly Diane held up her picture and yelled, "Poop your pants!" I cried for the next 10 minutes. I have a mature sense of humor.

Um, so, the opening ceremonies. The artistry was impressive. I imagine if you were from Canada it was absolutely incredible. If you weren't, it was pretty cool and then pretty boring. But I admired where they were coming from and what they were trying to do. How effing long did those Indian people dance? It was like an hour minimum. Also...slam poetry? Really, Canada? I mean I love that you were trying to embrace all kinds of art, but seriously? That dude's neckbeard was out. of. control. Those four big things, I think they were supposed to be people, that rose out of the ground were pretty cool. They definitely looked like penises. I said as much and then Steph corrected me, clearly appalled at my faux pas, "No, Sarah, those are vibrators. With arms." Sidenote: I felt SO bad when they went to light the flame and the one vibrator didn't come up. I can't imagine how much time, money and thought went into that final trick and then it didn't work. Don't worry, people who did the opening ceremonies, it was still really impressive.

My favorite part of the night was that Meg brought candles. A smaller one and a bigger one. We lit the smaller one and passed it around like we were passing the torch, then we lit the bigger candle which was our official Olympic flame. It is stuff like this that makes me head over heels in love with my friends. We passed our own torch!

Please note the ridiculous amount of bare man leg in this picture.

While we passed the torch we each had to say something in our country's accent. Things really broke down here. Here are some examples of why: Steph said "Lucky Charms". Diane said, "Poop in your pants, eh!" Woody yelled, "Freedom!!" Right about the time Meg said, "Smoke a doobie mon," Steph turned to me and said, "Are we celebrating different cultures or are we just being racist?" I told her I thought it was both. Our intentions were pure. We genuinely wanted to celebrate multiple nations coming together for a common interest and raise up those cultural differences. But most of us haven't been to any of those countries so we turned to stereotypes. Also we are aholes. Sorry, other countries! We love you! Americans are rude! Let's perpetuate the misunderstandings!

On a related note, the Olympics are ruling my life right now. Anyone else? I cried like 7 times tonight. Lindsey Vonn! Shaun White! It's just like the time I bought myself a plastic gold medal that said "#1" on it for this racist party I went to.

I swear this blog is still more than Lost recaps

2010-02-17T00:57:00.000-05:00

I am a shitty blogger lately as I've only had time for Lost recaps. I realize this is super annoying for my non Lost readers. However, rest assured I am working on a post about what we did this weekend which I will have up tomorrow. And I will need your help in determining if my friends and I are bad people. So stay tuned.

Aaaand Lost.

- Hey Alterna John is with his lady! That makes me happy. Except she said they should have a small wedding with his dad there. Does that mean his dad isn't the one who paralyzed him? Or does it mean he lied to Helen about how he got hurt? Wait in the original reality did she leave before he got hurt or after? I can't remember.

- Smoke Monster cam! I totally feel like a smoke monster right now.

- Okay, "Randy", is it? Alterna John's boss? Why don't you go EAC? Prick.

- I like how New Locke's like, "Hey, Richard, come with me. I'll tell you everything. Let's be best pals forever." And Richard has crazy eyes and is like, "Um, you can bite me." Good call, Richard. Don't go with the smoke monster. The little kid New Locke "saw" is Jacob, right? He's holding his arms weird like Jacob always does.

- Drunk Sawyer is cracking me up even though it's sad why he's drunk. New Locke is clearly trying to recruit him. I don't like this game. I'm sure New Locke is going to be really forthcoming with the answer to the question "Why are you on this island?". It probably won't take 17 episodes.

- Alterna John and Alterna Hurley. Wait Hurley owns John's company! Best. Boss. Ever. Amiright?

- I can't remember the girl's name who wears the vest. I'm going to call her Nicer Ana Lucia. She's pretty. And she better cough up some answers before I punch her in her Nicer face.

- Creepy little boy in the forest! New Locke is obsessed with him. I know when I see creepy little kids staring at me like they know something, I like to run after them. Please let's spend time together, little kid who is clearly a weird incarnation of someone who is a) actually 20 years older and b) dead!

- Can I interject something unrelated here? This might be the first time in years I'm excited about the Oscars and that's for 2 reasons only: Alec Baldwin and Steve Martin. Genius.

- I like how every single person on this show has to be a little creepy. Like Locke can't have a normal person helping him at a temp agency. It has to be some weirdo lady who clearly has too many cats at home. ROSE! I love you, Rose. Ugh. She still has cancer. I was hoping we would somehow just skip over that, and it would go away and she would be fine.

- OMG they're burying our Original Locke on the island. This is depressing. At my funeral, I hope the person who killed me delivers the eulogy. Whoa! Ben just confessed! I cannot wait to see what his fate is at the end of this show. Like why is he on the island and why did the island constantly forsake him? Seriously I love you, Frank. Never button up that shirt.

- Katey Sagal has a smoking body. She's like 55. How is that possible? If I look half as good as her at that age, I will be happy.

- "Look a rickety rope ladder that goes down a cliff and a guy who is dead and wearing someone else's body wants me to climb down it. Sounds cool. I'm in." – Sawyer

- One white rock and one black rock on the scale. Good vs. evil perhaps? I totally get symbolism (not really). So Jacob just writes their names down on a cave wall and they come to the island. Look this is not answering some huge mystery, Lost. We already knew Jacob was bringing the people to the island. The actual question I'm going to need answered is why those specific people and what for?

- What if Locke was your gym teacher. Mah! And your sex ed teacher! Gross! Incidentally my high school sex ed teacher was a guy from my church who I have known since I was 5. Awkward! Shut up Ben is a teacher! I love that on the island, Ben's dickishness manifests itself as totally psychotic murderer and in Alterna World he's just a douchebag who's really anal about things like changing the coffee filter. For some reason that makes me laugh.

- Each of the names on the cave wall has a number, too. "Jacob had a thing for numbers." No shit. So those numbers are THE numbers. What is the significance dammit!

- So all our Losties are candidates for protector of the island. I don't believe New Locke that there's no reason to protect the island. He's just saying that so Sawyer will go with him. He probably can't get off the island alone. He probably needs Sawyer's body. Upgrade! You guys, that's not nice. I wonder who will end up staying to be the protector of the island. Probably Jack. Cuz he's hot. What's really tragic is that the one guy who definitely would've taken the job without question is being worn as a meat suit by Smoke Monster/Man in Black/Guy Who Was Clearly Banished to the Island for Something He Did and Now He's Just Bitter Cuz Jacob Wouldn't Let Him Leave.

Whoosh-great episode. And a big answer. Nicely done, Lost! However, I will require more of Jack next time. Preferably shirtless.

Things I have been up to

2010-02-09T23:05:00.001-05:00

Going to Chinato, the new Italian restaurant on E. 4th. It was outstanding, though the service was s-l-o-w. However, I think that was on purpose, and we really weren't in a hurry so it was fine. The food was fantastic.

Going to Chocolate Bar. Things I ordered and/or tasted: Snickerbocher Mud, Dirty Girl Scout, Chocolate Chocolate Mint martini, Peanut Butter Cup martini, Chocolate Banana Cream Pie martini. Things I recommend because ho. ly. shit. amazing. : all of the above.

Leaning out of the shower with one foot in the tub and one foot out to try and reach my Olay facial cleansing cloth which was on the counter then slipping and falling out of my shower onto the floor. Then writing this to my boss: "Running late due to a shower mishap. Be there soon!"

Celebrating my brother in law, Drew's, 30th birthday by helping my sister throw him a surprise party where I:

- Broke my shot rule by doing one every hour then every half hour then every 20 minutes. (Reminder: my shot rule = I don't do them)

- Bet on a crab race while hammered and had this conversation with the guy running it who was using a GIANT pen to write stuff down:

Me: That's a pretty small pen.
Him: It's my Bill Cosby pen.
Me: Oh.
Him: Okay what do you want to name your crab?
Me: Small Pen

By the way, Small Pen sucked. He was, literally, the only crab that did not move. At all. I know he was alive, too, because the guy sprayed him with water, and he flinched like a little wimpy baby crab. Dammit, Small Pen.

- Saw Tony naked after we got back to Drew's house because he ran downstairs in the buff and ran around the table we were sitting at yelling and dancing. The best part was Matt yelling out in horror, "It touched my coat!" Dammit we miss you, Tony. Can't wait till you come back from Afghanistan for good! Did you ever know that you're my hero?

Liveblogging Lost. Let's do this:

"He's alive. He's aliiiiive!!" Yeah, Sawyer, I know you're sad about Juliet-we all are. But making disparaging remarks about Sayid is not going to bring her back.

- Sideways flash Kate's in the cab. She is being a beeyotch! I mean more than normal. I like how there's no regard for the fact that Claire is pregnant.

- "As you can see, Hugo here has assumed the leadership position. So that's pretty great." Awesome, Miles.

- Okay so far Sayid seems very Sayid and not Jacob.

- For people who claim to be protecting our survivors, they sure do love beating them up a lot.

- For some reason, Kate's badassery this episode is coming off as more annoying than impressive. Both on the island and in the alternate reality. Also I love how she stops at an auto mechanic's shop, and happens to run into the one auto mechanic who a) knows how to take off handcuffs and b) won't turn her in.

- Jack and Kate. Semi almost kiss. Look how he looks at her. Amazing. I know it makes no sense that in one sentence I am bitching about her and in the next I want her to be with Jack, but I do. I still believe in them, you guys!

- Holy fuck what is Englishtastesbadonmytongue doing to Sayid!? I will kill him. Also I'm semi-irritated the writers made it so that guy doesn't speak English so that we still don't know what the fuck is going on. Kind of a cheap trick, writers. I will be the flame.

- Okay Sayid didn't pass the test. What test do you think it was? To not cry while someone is poking you with a hot iron? Has anyone passed that test ever? Maybe Jack Bauer.

- Okay, okay. Kate came back for Claire. Feeling a little better about Kate. Aw Claire. I missed you.

- Just realized I'm an effing idiot for not realizing what the flight attendant meant last week about "the first flight". The second flight was the one that brought Locke's body. #sarahfail

- Holy eff that white guy on the trail with Kate and Jin is ANNOYING. Like worse than that dude from last season-Radishman or whatever. Oh! Nice move, Kate! You punch him right in the face! Starting to love the badassery more.

- Mkay so Sayid is infected with "the sickness". What does that mean? Obviously it's what the French people had, right? Hurley just asked Sayid if he was a zombie. I love Hurley.

- TAKE THE PILL, SAYID!

- Back to hating Kate. Running away to be with Sawyer. I will punch you in your freckles, girly.

- So it looks like Claire was fated to keep Aaron, huh? I can't believe that lady's not going to take the baby even though her husband left her. Didn't she see Juno? If you're still in, I'm still in!

- Poor Sawyer. He can't even grieve for Juliet without Kate getting in his face. At least she tried to do the decent thing and walk away when she saw he needed to be alone. Then of course he saw her and so he has no peace.

- Ah! Scary Dr. Ethan!! Is he going to steal Claire's baby?? Bizarro Ethan doesn't want to stick her with needles. Puh-lease. Man, I really want to like this Ethan. And I do. And it's confusing me. I have inner turmoil. Fun fact: The guy who plays Ethan is Tom Cruise's ~~brother~~ cousin (Thanks, Russ! I fired my fact-checker).

- Whoa-Kate taking responsibility for messing up Juliet and Sawyer's submarine escape? Never thought I'd see the day. Sawyer is making me cry. It's not your fault Juliet is dead, Sawyer! And also-no one is meant to be alone. Don't say that. Oh my GOD. Sawyer was going to ask her to marry him. Why is Lost trying to rip my heart out?

- Holy crap, Jack-give Sayid the pill! Or not-it's poison? Pretty genius of you to swallow it. Englishtastesbadonmytongue totally just freaked out.

- SAYID HAS DARKNESS GROWING IN HIM AND CLAIRE HAD IT, TOO! That makes me incredibly sad. So is Claire dead? Or is she evil?

- Ugh-annoying dude again. I seriously want to-omg for real I was about to say "I seriously want to kill that guy" and then he got shot.

- CLAIRE!! Looking eerily like Rousseau.

Awesome ending! Man I really feel closer to knowing everything now. And by everything I mean nothing. However, as always, riveting stuff. Still love this show for making me so crazy. Need more Desmond next week. Also need to write in complete sentences.

Sorry you had to see me like that

2010-02-04T00:25:00.000-05:00

Are you guys recovered from Lost Tuesday night? I am not. I thought it was amazing, but it kind of pissed me off. Here's the deal: it's the last season, and I want answers. I went into the season premiere expecting a bunch of answers and got 900 more questions and MORE GD OTHERS!! I forgot the cardinal rule of Lost: Just go along for the ride.

So I rewatched tonight with my usual "this is an awesome mindfuck" attitude (also without a blinding migraine). And I must say: seriously what? What is happening!? It looks like they are setting it up to give us some answers. I watched the show with my sister, Drew and Matt so I wasn't able to post as I was watching. However, I can recreate what was happening inside my head at the time, and since I have no idea how to make a cohesive post about this show ever, that is what I have done. I'm sorry in advance.

SPOILERS AHEAD

- Thank God for the recap episode. At least 7 times I said, "Wait I don't remember that."

- So okay it worked, right? We're back on the plane with the flight attendant who disappeared and then became creepy. Jack needs a haircut.

- Ahh!! Spilled vodka!!

- Can I just say that I love Rose and Bernard. Although if Rose is on the plane that means she still has cancer, right? Okay that hurts my heart. Diane is extremely sad about this.

- Does Jack remember everything? Or no? It kind of seems like he does. Why is his neck bleeding? Seriously wtf is up with this show?

- Desmond! His hair is totally fluffy. Yet he is still hot.

- We're going into the water. Mah shark!!! Was that necessary, Lost? The island is under water? Say wha?? After the underwater island scene, Diane goes, "That was bad special effects." Awesome.

- How many times do I have to watch the scene where Juliet falls down the well and sets off the bomb? Twice in the recap and twice during the actual show. Enough! I already admitted I was wrong about her. Please stop torturing me!

- OMG Kate didn't make it back to the plane!? Ew I don't like how her ears are ringing, and they're making us hear what she's hearing. It's horrible. May I ask how they survived an H-bomb? I'm no scientist, but isn't that not really possible? Oh thank God her hearing is back. Seriously why isn't she with Jack? Dammit Miles didn't make it either. Uh...Sawyer and Jack are on the island, too? What the eff is happening!?

- Okay, Sawyer, I'm gonna need you to not kick Jack in the face.

- Back on the plane. Kate's there, too! Yeah Jack wants a piece. So does Sawyer. Ugh. Whatever. Kate is so pretty. People don't actually look like that. It's not normal to be that gorgeous.

- Arzt! Guy who blew up! Hurley's the luckiest guy alive? Is this Bizarro world?

- Okay so it's clear that the bomb worked, right? They went back to the plane, but right before the bomb went off they "skipped through time" to the present on the island. So now there are two realities. Freaky.

- OMG Juliet! Juliet's alive! Ooh-Sayid is, too, but really doesn't look it. Even when Hurley is in an extremely stressful situation he calls people "dude". Also his, "I gotta gun, and I know how to shoot it!" while clearly not knowing how to use it made me pee.

- Maybe in Bizzaro World Sun and Jin have a great marriage. No. They do not.

- BOONE!! Looking hot, Boone. Remember how Boone and Locke were friends? God I miss the first season. Did Locke really go on the walkabout? Or is he lying? Sidenote: "The Walkabout" which was like episode 4 or 5 from season 1 is still my favorite episode of all time. Maybe of any television show ever.

- Ben is like a shell of his former self.

- Yes! Fahey!! Check out that awesome chest hair. Goddammit I love this guy. Thank God he is on the show this season. I am 100% serious that I need him to be on every episode.

- So Jacob's friends who were on the plane and who brought John's body to show to Richard creep me out. Richard looks a little unhinged, and that guy never looks unhinged. Ben just saw Locke's body. And most likely soiled himself.

- What is Jacob's deal? I need him to just come out with it. I like how Hurley isn't freaked out at all by Jacob saying he's dead. Why does he need Sayid to be saved? I mean, I know why I need him to be saved. But why does Jacob? Just tell me, Jacob!

- Oh, Sawyer-we both know you're not going to kill Jack.

- God Sayid is hot when he is being all badass and kicking in doors. Even a flimsy airplane bathroom door. One time I accidentally locked myself in an airplane bathroom. That is just as badass. Oh great-Charlie's dead again. Like it wasn't horrible the first time I had to watch it. Oh wait maybe Jack will save him. Do you think when they filmed this scene it was super weird when Matthew Fox had to put his fingers in Dominic Monaghan's mouth? Wait-Charlie was choking on drugs? What? Was he trying to swallow them?

- Juliet! She's alive! Sort of. God she is not looking good. I said that out loud and Matt said, "Well she did fall down a well and a big crane fell on top of her." Shut up, Matt aka Captain Obvious. Sorry for the 'tude, Matty, I am worried about Juliet. Please Lord let Juliet live. I take back everything bad I ever said about her.

- Okay back at the big statue. Jacob's friends are being very pushy and decided to storm the statue. I have a bad feeling for them. The dude stole Locke's form. You really think a couple guns are going to stop him? Dumbasses. Ah-smoke monster! Everyone run! It is about to get gross up in here! So it can't cross the ashes which explains the ashes in front of Jacob's house-HOLYEFFGIANTPIECEOFWOODTHROUGHTHECHEST! Giant piece of wood through the chest!!! I just almost puked. Holy fucking fuckity fuck! New Locke = smoke monster? Mind. Blown.

- Oh no. Juliet isn't making sense. Oh no no no. Yes kiss her, James. Then take her topside and nurse her back to health please. No. OMG no! For real I have to suffer through her death twice? This is horseshit. What's the important thing she has to tell him?

- We're on the plane now. Whoa Charlie said he was supposed to die. Does he know something no one else does? Is it significant that Desmond is no longer in the seat next to Jack? If this plane crashes, I will fight somebody. Okay no it didn't crash. Aw. I miss Boone and the originals. Oh no-Locke's in a wheelchair. Honestly that breaks my heart. What an incredible actor Terry O'Quinn is. As the New Locke he's cold, ruthless and terrifying. And as Locke he's kind and sad and vulnerable. He's just astonishingly talented.

- Back on the island. Kate's kind of all up in Sawyer's business right now. I know she is sad for him and trying to help him through his loss, but maybe she could stop trying to have sex with him after his girlfriend just died. Okay that may have been a little harsh, but you guys know how Kate pisses me off. Poor Jack. He looks so sad that the plan didn't work. It did, though, Jack! Right now another you is at LAX! Both yous need haircuts.

- There's the guy without an arm! Remember how they kept showing the French dude's severed arm on the ground? Gross! I'm awesome-they totally just brought it up.

- Diane lost her mind that Kate walked away with the light as Jack and Jin were trying to carry Sayid and not fall down the hole. Then I was like, "She clearly has the crazies cuz she's hearing voices." Okay now they're all separated and have the crazies. I am very stressed out right now.

- Oh look-more. goddamn. OTHERS! At this point, Diane screamed, "No! Don't introduce new people!"

- Back in the airport. Kate stole Jack's pen. My head hurts watching her smack that guy's head into the counter. Sawyer needs a haircut, too.

- Island. Please ask Juliet what she was going to say, Miles, because I, too, need to know. "It worked." Creepy!

- Seriously Diane and I are super annoyed by the introduction of new characters. Weird flight attendant! What does she mean, "They were on the first plane"? Was there a second plane? Am I just forgetting? Seriously what is going on. Jacob's in charge. Fine. And he's at war with New Locke. And New Locke doesn't want anyone on the island. Why does Jacob want them there? Why these specific people? Why are they important to him?

- I need Sun and Jin to be loving again. And Jin to have no shirt on.

- So okay this spring is what-like the spring of eternal life? Is that why Richard never ages? Why isn't the water clear? Is it cuz Jacob is dead? I like how the temple people say, "If we do this, there are risks." about putting Sayid in the water. But no one asks them what the risks are. What I'm going to need is for Sayid to be okay. Yeah they're pretty much just drowning him at this point. Um...wtf, temple people! If Sayid is really dead, I will smack a bitch. And bitch, thy name is Lost writers.

- Back at the airport with Kate's boring "trying to escape" storyline. Oh she just kidnapped Claire by accident. See how they all end up being connected even when not on the island!?

- Back on the island again. Right here is when Drew said that Jin was built like a brick shithouse.

- Ooh that guy doesn't like the way English tastes on his tongue. Whatever. You obviously have not heard my nasally 'a' and how I'm always telling people to eat a cock.

- Oh man-temple's going crazy. Warning people that New Locke Smoke Monster is on the loose, and there's no protection from Jacob. This is bad news, people! Oh for Christ's sake, New Locke, was kicking the piece of wood out of that guy's chest necessary? Oh no. Do not tell me that John's last thought was "I don't understand." This is too much for my heart to take. Seriously Terry O'Quinn is just knocking it out of the park here. New Locke wants to go home. Where is home? Why can't he go home? Was Jacob keeping him there? Why is that literally the scariest look I have ever seen in my life? I need to change my underwear.

- Can I interject here and say that this is all feeling a little good vs. evil, God vs. the devil? I doubt the show would go the way of religion, but it sure feels like it right now.

- Miles is sitting by Sayid's body and acting funny. What do you know, Miles? Spill it!

- Poor Jack. He feels so responsible for everything. He's carrying a ridiculous weight on his shoulders. I didn't see anyone else with a plan, haters (Sawyer)!

- I LOVE this scene between Jack and Locke at the lost baggage area. Remember how they kind of fought each other the whole series, and here they are having a great interaction. It's nice to see how they get along without the stress of being deserted on a weirdo island. Is it significant that they both lost luggage/coffin with dead father? Also so happy to see Locke again. I was really sad when I realized Locke was really dead, and we didn't even get to say goodbye. But he's still here, and he's lovely. Is Jack going to fix Bizarro Locke's spinal injury!? "Nothing is irreversible." Foreshadowing, you guys! What happened on the island cannot be reversed! Which leads me to my one and only theory: What if there can't be two realities that go on forever? What if, eventually, they have to converge to become one reality? A comment was made at one point (I forget by whom) that you can't change your destiny. Maybe both paths that they're on right now lead to the same destiny, showing us that it really doesn't matter whether or not they crashed on the island because they would've ended up where they are at the end of the season anyway.

- Yes-more Fahey. More Fahey chest hair. Always.

- "Hello, Richard. It's good to see you out of those chains." WHAT!! Ben is seriously pooping his pants right now. Why is New Locke disappointed in all of them? Did they used to be his followers till they defected to Jacob?

- What do the temple people want with Jack?

- Holy eff Sayid's alive! Risen from the dead! Much like a certain J-man who is a superstar. That's all I'm saying. Religiousy undertones? Check.

In conclusion, What. The. Fuck.

God, I love you, Lost!

By the way, my friend at work asked me this morning if I thought Sayid was now Jacob, and it blew my mind. Please leave your thoughts in the comments so I can freak out more.