I'm actually jealous

I just saw a dude watering his entire front yard with a watering can. How long do I have to wait until I'm old enough that I have that kind of time?

This is how I show my love for my country

My 4th of July weekend

Thursday
Went to Diane and Drew's house and had a game tournament. Four teams of 2 people and one 3 person team competing to the death...or you know, until it was over. There were 4 different stations, and every team had to play them all. Your scores for each station were combined to bring forth the ultimate champion of games that don't require much physical activity. The 4 stations were: MarioKart on the Wii, Tennis on the Wii, Catchphrase and Karaoke Revolution on the X-box. Sharda was my teammate, and we owned Karaoke Revolution (only team with a perfect score-eat it) and Catchphrase. Sadly, Sharda and I are horrible at all Wii games so we ended up tied for second-to-last place. I just want to say that I really feel Karaoke Revolution should've been weighed heavier than some of the other games. Mostly because it's what we were best at.

We also watched 3 New Kids videos on YouTube, we watched the Today show episode from May when New Kids were on, and we listened to the new New Kids song 1700 million times and did a dance. It is so 1991 and I am 13 and I kiss my Joey poster before I go to bed.

Oh also I drank Boone's Farm Fuzzy Navel all night. Obviously.

Friday
Went to the beach with my ladies. "The beach?" you ask incredulously. "But, Sarah, you live in Cleveland. Doesn't beach = rocks in Cleveland?" I know it seems crazy, you guys, but it's true. Cleveland actually has some beaches. We went to Huntington Beach which I haven't visited since I was approximately 15 years old. When we got there, Renee looked around and said, "Wow-it doesn't even smell like dead bodies here." And she was right. Not only that, I didn't even see any dirty syringes, and when I flashed my headlights 3 times no one tried to have gay sex with me*. Way to clean up, Cleveland! I'm not a beach person, but this wasn't too bad. The sand wasn't hot, and it wasn't that busy. We spent most of our time watching 2 teenage friends flirt with and silently compete for the same guy. We were like sports commentators whispering the play by play and color commentary. Here's an example:

Me: "Ooh-white bikini making an overly aggressive move here as she fake tackles the guy and won't let go. I'm afraid this might backfire in the end as flirty behavior could quickly turn to annoying behavior. What do you think, Diane?"
Diane: "I don't know. I like the aggressiveness of the move. Yellow sundress, while trying to play it more subtle, might just be too subtle-possibly closing herself out of the race all together."
Renee: "Why won't that guy take his shirt off? Just what is he hiding under there?"

Friday night we went to Meg's rooftop and ate 17 kinds of dip and watched fireworks. Aloyd tried to tell us how bad they are for the environment because they release so much CO2 or something, and in protest of his fireworks bashing I said I was going to go drive my SUV around while using aerosol hairspray.

Saturday
This was family day, and my mom cooked out for us. We also started to come up with the seating arrangements for Diane and Drew's wedding. Seating arrangements suck ass. That's all I'll say about that. Then we went to see the new Indiana Jones movie, and I just want to say that I love Indiana Jones with all my being. Also Shia LaBeouf is in every single movie, right? He literally is on screen somewhere in the world every second of every single day. I happen to think he's kind of adorable in a "you used to be on Even Stevens and I love the Disney Channel and now you're a cutie dork" kind of way, but seriously he is in my face a lot.

Sunday
I sealed my deck and moved furniture. This was about as fun as it sounds. But it needed to be done and thanks to my parents I now have an awesome recliner which I never ever want to stop sitting in. The recliner is definitely near the top of the list of greatest inventions along with swim up pool bar and pay at the pump.

I don't know if you guys noticed this, but I was not drunk once this weekend. Not once. Who am I!? Don't worry, you guys. The weekend before this I went to the Cleveland Wine Festival and got so drunk that I puked all over myself in the middle of a bar and then fell down the stairs on my way to the bathroom to clean up. Ahh-that's better, right? I'm still me and still a class act.

*First of all, how come I can't say "flashed my headlights" without feeling the need to explain that that doesn't mean that I showed people my boobs. Second of all, there is totally a beach in Cleveland where as a gay man you can go at night and flash your lights and have gay sex. How awesome is that.

Jackass extraordinaire

From: Becky
To: Okay Seriously
CC: Marc [ed. note: someone I don't know at all]

















- Beck


From: Okay Seriously
To: Becky
cc: Marc

It's possible I dated the goth dude on the left when I was in 7th grade. He wore less makeup, but he had the same raw sexual magnetism.

- OS


From: Becky
To: Okay Seriously

lol.

Marc is my boss.

Best Wednesday Ever

So I'm still sorting through PIB pictures looking for ones that I can actually post here. In the meantime, let me tell you about my really tough day yesterday.

9am - Got to work

10am - John writes me and says, "We should go golfing."

10:30am - I tell my boss I'm taking the afternoon off.

11:30am - John has convinced his wife, Leah, and Danielle to not work and to go golfing with us.

2:45pm - I arrive at the golf course and tell the people I'm on a work call with that "I need to drop off now".

3pm - We are waiting to tee off.

3:01pm - We crack open some alcoholic beverages.

3:05pm - John tells us we need to take some practice shots.

3:06pm - John takes practice shots while we watch him and drink beer.

3:15pm - 5:30pm - I laugh continuously for 2 hours as we have a freaking blast playing golf and watching Danielle get drunk. We eat Sun Chips because Leah is a mom and is awesome and brought us snacks. I drink some sort of Pomegranate Martini drink that Danielle brought me in a water bottle. It is glorious. Danielle is glorious.

4:45pmish - Danielle and John pee in the woods.

5pmish - John tries to hit his tee shot like Happy Gilmore. Misses 3 times.

5:45pm - On the last hole, Leah completely forgoes golf clubs and just throws her ball down the fairway. She even hand rolls her putt.

6pm - John realizes he locked his keys in his trunk so he can't drive home.

6:10pm - We head out near John and Leah's house, get their kids and go to dinner.

7pm - Leah asks her and John's 5 year old son Josh if he wants ice cream and he says, "No. It's too brain freezy."

8pm - Leah and John's 7 year old daughter Kristin asks me to play musical chairs with her and Josh. I pwn Kristin in the first round. Josh pwns me in the second. I mention in passing that it probably means I'll be a bad mother that I eliminated Kristin without a second thought. No one argues. But John does say that I should've said, "Yeah! In your FACE! You suck and I rule!!!"

8:15pm - John says, "Okay, guys. To the van!" and Danielle and I tell Kristin and Josh we should all become a group of heroes who fights crime. Josh says, "You mean like fight real bad guys? Real ones?"

8:25pm - Josh says, "Hey-I don't think we should fight real bad guys. Just like fake dummy ones made out of wood." We agree.

8:40pm - Danielle and I decide from the back of the van that we would like Leah and John to drive us everywhere all the time.

9pm - I drive John back to his car with his spare key. We sing "Holiday Road", "Walking in Memphis", "To Be With You", "Cool It Now", "Ditty", and "Don't Shed a Tear For Me". We both decide we need to learn the words to "Ditty" so we can rap appropriately at Diane's wedding.

9:30pm - I'm back home laying on my couch full and happy, and I get a text from John saying nice things.

I loved yesterday.

P.S. I got my best score ever, too. 58. That I realize is not that good. But for me it is-especially since it was a legitimate 58. I counted every single stroke. I didn't have to enforce the 10 stroke rule (if I get to 10 strokes, I pick up my ball) plus I didn't even lose any golf balls. That never happens. You are not the boss of me, golf course!

I think I'm still a little hungover

This past weekend was my sister's bachelorette party in Put in Bay. I am still trying to piece together the events so I can write a somewhat cohesive post about what happened. Here's what I can say so far: it was freaking awesome, we drank martinis and none of us can run for public office after the pictures we took with the inflatable doll.

In the meantime, this morning when John walked into our building, one of the security guards was on the phone and John heard his end of the conversation:

"Ok..... it's a naked man? He's fully nude? And is he still inside the branch?"

Sometimes I love this effing place.

Tips for the First Time Kayaker by Okay Seriously

1. Ride tandem with Meg or someone who is equally as clueless as you are. Sit in the back which you find out later makes you the person in charge of steering. Note: you should never be in charge of anything.

2. When the teenage worker boys push you into the water and you detect an audible grunt, think "Did they just call me fat?"

3. As soon as you are in the water, drift toward a concrete wall.

4. Scream like little girls.

5. Ask Matt, Steph, Drew and Diane for help getting you away from the wall and receive none because they are too busy laughing at you.

6. Have random boaters who are passing by yell out "paddle left to go right!" and thank them for their help while you do what they say.

7. Immediately start floating backwards down the river.

8. Look at Matt for any help as you are seriously going backwards down the river and watch him as he almost tips himself over from laughing so hard.

9. Eventually get the boat turned around and decide you are tired so stop paddling and let Meg do all the work.

10. Pass by a group of people who are fishing and when one of the guys yells out, "Hey-why aren't you helping?", reply, "Because I'm a lazy piece."

11. Quickly begin paddling again when Meg twirls around with an accusing stare after fisherman dude sells you out for not helping.

12. Literally every 3 seconds almost run into a dock, a tree limb, a concrete wall or a passing boat and have to try and straighten yourself out.

13. Ram Diane and Drew's boat like 30 times and try to find a way to connect your boats making it so Drew is rowing for all of you.

14. Make a sad face as Drew pushes you away with his oar.

15. While your friends are trying to peacefully and quietly kayak through the marina surrounded by gorgeous, million dollar mansions, yell out at the top of your lungs, "Does anyone who lives here want to get married!? I don't care if you are male or female!! LET'S DO THIS!!!" Watch as your friends try to kayak away. Feel bad for Meg who can't get away.

16. Drop your sunglasses in the lake and right before they sink into the abyss, snatch them from the depths. You are Wonder Woman. You cannot be beaten.

17. Shortly after bragging about being Wonder Woman, realize that you're pretty sure you lost Diane and Drew's sunscreen in the river somewhere. Don't listen to them as they yell at you for insisting on bringing it with you in the first place.

18. Along with Meg, start to get whiny and moany about having to constantly correct your steering. Seriously it's starting to really piss you off.

19. Finally make it back to the launch point and watch Meg completely give up on trying to steer you away from things. As you drift toward Diane and Drew's boat, listen to Meg start to fake cry/scream, "I don't want to do this anymore!!!".

20. Run into Diane's boat.

21. Almost fall getting out of the boat. Let the teenager who thinks you're fat help you out.

22. Ride in Matt's convertible and keep your arms up the whole time like you're in a rollercoaster.

23. Go get ice cream.

I will kill you Blogger

So I wrote this whole post about my weekend-which was awesome-and somehow Blogger lost it. And I am angry. I suppose the slight possibility exists that it was human error, but I mean really it's not like I'm some idiot who almost cut her thumb off cutting zucchini the other day. Oh wait...

While I effing rewrite my weekend post, please read this article that Sharda sent me about how The Man is RUINING MY CHILDHOOD MEMORIES!!!!

Things are getting a little hairy

Okay let's be honest with each other here. The past couple months, this blog has sucked total ass. I know it, you know it-let's not pretend. In fact, I took endless amounts of shit for it last weekend from Tony who is so blog-starved that any time I said anything at all including, "Diane, I know you said you keep your napkins above the fridge, but I don't see them" he said, "Why don't you blog about it?" And you guys are always so sweet and nice and I love you all so much so I owe you. So I kicked the scanner into high gear tonight for you. It's time for us to take a look at my hair...through the years. Let's do this.

First a disclaimer: I couldn't possibly scan every picture of my bad hair through the years. There are simply too many. So I just picked out some highlights. If you'd like to see the whole 31 year collection, stop on by. We'll look at pictures and drink some sangria and possibly make out. Look I can't say that it won't happen. That's all I mean.

Up until I was in 3rd grade, I had really cute hair. Then my mom and grandma did this to me:





They told me I would want it short for the summer-as if I was a dog. Thus began the era of my life where people confused me for a boy. I would also like to point out my sweet sweater and the fact that I am holding the game Boggle. This girl is on her way to "cool", that's for sure.







Don't worry because things totally improved in 4th grade when I got a perm:




Oh yeah. That's the good stuff. At least it's a relaxed perm. Also this is back when I used to work hard.






I let this perm grow out for years then in 7th grade...




Bangs! Oh yeah-look at the lovely shadow they cast on the wall. A true work of art.









As 8th grade approached, the bangs were swept to the side:


















A - Awesome shirt and earrings

B - That is my upper body and my friend's legs. I have no idea what is going on or why we did this. Nor do I want to think about where my bottom half and her top half is. Gentlemen, don't you think about it either because I was 14 here and that makes you a sicko pedophile.

After this I apparently just stopped cutting my hair until 9th grade:





This is the classic look for grown out bangs-pulled back in a puff. I particularly like my outfit in this picture. It manages to not only make the eyes of everyone who look upon it spontaneously burst, but it is also incredibly unflattering.






Things started to get better once I was in 10th grade and up at the high school. Nothing in this picture is too horrible...






WAIT! I spy something beaded! I highlighted it for your viewing pleasure. It looks nice against my denim-on-darker-denim look. By the way, that is my first puppy, Pepper. I miss you, baby!









After I got rid of the tail, things definitely calmed down for me hair-wise with two exceptions: 1-I got a perm my junior year and came home and locked myself in the bathroom for 5 hours and 2-my Junior Homecoming hair:





Yikes. That is some big hair. And yes-that is a scrunchie you see. Hey, can you tell I used hair spray? Ew. Also check out that dress. Is that not the most perfect example of a dress worn to a high school dance in the mid-90's? It had a jacket for Christ's sake. I think I got it at Petrie's. Anybody remember that place? Classic.










When I was going through my pictures I ran across one that you guys had to see:





That is me on the left. IN THE STRETCHPANTS. Stretchpants!! I just...I don't...I'm not sure what to say here. I wore this. In public. I wore a man's shirt and stretchpants. I am shamed.

P.S. I kept my sister in this picture because she's totally going to homecoming in a cast here. We look a lot alike-we just wear different lipstick.











I'll leave you with one last picture that I think is important for you guys to see:












Yeah I did.

Still 13

So not only did I get tickets to the New Kids yesterday*, but I also found out that ABC Family has a new series starting in July starring MOLLY RINGWALD! It's called "The Secret Life of the American Teenager" or something like that. Molly's the mom. Hello! New favorite show!

By the way can I just say that I love ABC Family. It has just the right amount of cheesiness for a semi-cheesy person like me. Plus "Greek" is awesome.

Also everyone go download Cyndi Lauper's new single "Into the Nightlife". It is awesome, and thank God there isn't a webcam in my house (that I know about) because if there was I'd definitely end up on YouTube in a video called "Chubby 30-something Lady Dances on Her Bed While Wearing a Tiara".

*I LOVE all you ladies who are just as excited for NKOTB as me. Seriously let's go out drinking some time.

This post brought to you by 13 year old Sarah

OMG I'M TOTALLY GOING TO THE NEW KIDS CONCERT IN OCTOBER!!!

OHMYGOD!!!