Pass the salt...then light a match

Sorry for all the one-liners today, but seriously this gives a whole new meaning to "multi-tasking". A whole new awesome meaning. I can't believe John hasn't thought of this already.

My life has lost its meaning

Please read this. All my hopes and dreams just went up in smoke

Bitter

One good thing about not having cable or internet is nothing. Abso. Fucking. Lutely. Nothing.

Some random thoughts for today

I would like to say something to senior citizens who go to the movies. I think it's great that you guys are still going out and having fun-honestly. But if you go to see "Batman" and constantly have to ask questions like: Who's the good guy? (the one DRESSED AS A BAT) Who's the bad guy? (the one NOT dressed as a bat) What just happened? (he punched someone in the face) Why? (because he's bad) And then when the movie is over: What happened? and your husband has to explain THE ENTIRE MOVIE to you 5 seconds after it ended, perhaps you should consider going to the matinee showing or maybe just go home and watch "Matlock" because you don't have an inside voice and I can hear you yelling to your husband who's sitting 3 inches away from you and you probably don't even know who you are let alone who Batman is.

Have you ever seen yourself on a store security camera? It is horrifying. You totally think you have a handle on what you look like, and then you see yourself on one of those, and you're like, "Oh my God look at that sloth coming into the st--wait. That's me." Then you kill yourself because you are gross. Maybe that only happens to me.

Tom Cruise, you are not only an insane-o crazy clown of a human being, but you are also an asshole. Note: Googling "psychiatry" doesn't make you a psychiatrist.

Update on the condo

For a place that doesn't have cable, internet or a phone-it's effing awesome. Don't get me started on the phone company and the cable company because I will hurt this poor contractor guy sitting next to me, and it's not his fault. Although I might blame him anyways. All I will say about both of those companies is that this is bullshit. I'm pissed. I will be writing a nasty letter. Or blog. Either way it'll be very damaging. I mean not to their business or reputation or feelings or anything, but in like a "I just had to take time to read this letter which delayed my anal raping of other customers" kind of way.

I no longer have leaks. In fact, one wasn't even a leak at all, and the other is fixed. So that anonymous commenter who hates me can stop calling me Leaky-house Lady because a) it no longer applies and b) frankly it's the lamest nickname ever.

This weekend we went to my grandparents' houses to get furniture. I'm very fortunate to have all 4 still living and doing well, but they are downsizing and moving into retirement villages. Each of their houses has 80 years worth of stuff, and now they want to give it to us. So this leads me to the question...how do you say, "Thanks, Grandma, but I really don't want your paper mache vegetables" without hurting any feelings?

What 5 Things do you miss about your childhood?

I was totally tagged by Violet. I had a feeling she's wanted to tag me for a while now. I mean come on it was pretty obvious. Plus I overheard her say in reference to me "I'd like to tag that ass".

Whoa sorry, Violet. That whole paragraph up there was totally uncalled for. Okay let's get right down to it (my commentary is in red-don't copy this part of it):

Tagged by Violet at Forward Motion

But first the rules to this meme game:

Remove the blog at #1 from the following list and bump every one up one place; add your blog's name in the #5 spot; link to each of the other blogs for the desired cross pollination effect.

1. End Of The World
2. so anyway...
3. both hands
4. Forward Motion
5. Okay Seriously [most awesome blog ever]

Next: select new friends to add to the pollen count. (No one is obligated to participate). [I struggled with this. I wanted to tag everyone, but would that make me a slut? So I chose to go lesbian and tag some hot ladies.]

1. I probably hate you
2. Hells Bells
3. Life as an urban princess

Your turn:

1. Daily beatings
2. Becoming a child prostitute at age 4.
3. No presents on Christmas

Okay I better get serious before my mom starts to cry. For real this time...

1. Having the summers off
2. Going to the pool all day every day and never changing out of my bathing suit ever.
3. 4th of July at my grandparents' in Upper Arlington
4. Easter egg hunts in DeGraff
5. Vacations with my parents (I'm being serious about this. P.S. Car bingo rules)

I will punch this lady in the babymaker

Actual conversation between me and a lady who works in the department responsible for all of our purchasing and supplies:

Me: Hi! I need a quote on a laptop with a CD burner.

5 minutes of silence.

Lady: What do you need again?

Me: I need a quote on a laptop with a CD burner.

Lady: Oh I don't think we can get you a printer.

Me (confused): Oh...no...I don't need a printer. Just the laptop with a CD burner.

Lady: Oh you can order that through [Online Purchasing and Requisition System].

Me: Well I was told that since I need the burner that it's a non-standard purchase so I need a quote first so I can enter it into [Online Purchasing and Requisition System].

Lady: Maybe this is a non-standard purchase then.

Me: Um...right.

Lady: Okay well what kind of laptop do you have?

Me: Oh no I don't have a laptop. I need a laptop. With a burner.

Lady: What model do you have?

Me: No I don't have one yet. I need to order one. From you.

Lady: Is it a T40, T70 or a T80*?

Me: Seriously I don't have one. Please I just need a quote.

Lady: Okay well is it a Dell or an IBM?

My head explodes.

*Note to computer geeks: I made these model numbers up. They were something close to this, but I don't remember exactly so don't write to me about how "There's no such thing as a T40, loser!" because then we will know who the real loser is.

Looser

I have no idea what to say about Tom and Katie being engaged except.....hublahagheahdhgblahgbahhgblahgh. That's me vomiting. Tom's entire family is a cult, and Katie is the newest member. I wonder what the wedding will be like. The bride will be carried down the aisle by guys wearing loin cloths then everyone will dance and sing in a circle around her while she drinks the blood of a lamb. Then they'll cut the cake and playfully smush it on each other's faces because cult or not, some traditions just don't change.

I respected both of you, Katie and Tom, now I am respectfully laughing at you. Or disrespectfully laughing-whatever. That doesn't mean I won't go see your movies because a) Batman, seriously and b) Mission Impossible 3, seriously. But as far as socially, we can no longer see each other. It's not me, it's you.

To the anonymous commenter who left this comment on one of my posts from like a week ago:
"YOUR A LOOSER BUT YOUR BLOG IS PRETTY COOL.AND YOU HAVE A LAME LIFEW."

You know what else is lame? An education. That is, if you have the final say on what is lame. I want to be mad at you, but you called me a "looser" so I really just want to give you a noogie and call you a rascal. Dumbass.

I am alive

Oh my God, you guys-moving sucks. I'm sorry I have been away the past few days, but I have been busy packing and moving. Also I didn't have an internet connection. After suffering severe blogging withdrawal symptoms, I decided I had to find a way to post something so here I am. Let me recap the past few days for you. I shall do so through a series of letters.

Dear Irene Cara,
I am so happy you won "Hit Me Baby One More Time". Too bad I FUCKING MISSED IT!!!! Goddammit! I was too busy packing, and we had to unhook my TV to get it all ready for the movers on Friday, and just--I don't even want to talk about it. I am so upset. I hope you know I was with you in spirit even though I couldn't physically be there. And by "physically be there" I mean sitting on my couch watching you through a satellite feed.

Dear Internet,
I am hoping they will rerun this last episode like they did the first two. If that happens, you can expect a recap at that time. I'm sorry I let you down.

Dear movers (Joey, Frank and Greg),
Thanks for moving my furniture and not breaking anything. You guys rule and quite possibly have the worst job ever known to man. Frankie, cut your hair.

Dear friends,
Thank you so much for helping me move the rest of my stuff. You are all amazing, and I love you very much. I had so much fun eating pizza and making fun of John's vasectomy with you.
Sidenote to Gerbs: Thanks for showing up right in time for the pizza then putting away my DVDs and taking off. Your generosity knows no bounds.
Sidenote to Matt and Jace: Any CDs you guys stole, I want them back immediately, or I will press charges.

Dear Mom and Dad,
Thanks so much for everything you have done for me the past few weeks/months. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate it. You are amazing.

Dear new potential neighbor,
I didn't know that guys who are that hot actually exist in real life. Please for the love of God move in by me, and let us start the greatest love affair of all time. Or at least let's make out.

Dear God,
Seriously let that guy move in by me, and help a sista out.

Dear friends again,
I hope you all can understand that moving is stressful, and that after all of that stress a girl needs to have a few drinks. I realize that I had enough drinks for 4 full grown adults, but I was celebrating 4 different special events: 1. Kim's birthday, 2. My new condo, 3. Steph's new car, 4. John getting his nizzies whacked. The high points of Saturday night were very high, but the low points were very, very low (giving Jace zerberts in the middle of the dance floor, lifting up Jace's shirt...really all the low points involved Jace--sorry, Jacie. I hope this won't make things awkward for when you marry my mom.).

Dear Dad,
Happy Father's Day, Daddy. You are the best dad in the whole world. Thanks for doing all the "Dad" stuff and always making sure I am safe and sound even when I'm not living with you. The only way I can truly express how I feel about you is by giving you this Portable Powerpack. I love you!

Dear anonymous commenter who wrote this,
"How, I wonder, do people such as you (seem to be from the things you write) even have, get or borrow the resources needed for a "new house"? You've got a new house and you (reportedly) do what you describe here—"Diane, sorry you had to drive Drew and my drunk asses home Saturday night, and sorry we were singing Christmas carols out the windows at people on the street." ?"
1 - Eff you.
2 - Prostitution.

Get real

I have tons of packing to do before my friends come over and help me move on Saturday so of course I'm watching TV. Sometimes I watch this show called "The 4400" on the USA Network. It's a pretty good show, but after watching part of tonight's episode, I must tell you that I take issue with some of the writing. Here's why:

Scene: A woman and a little girl are sitting at the breakfast table each reading different parts of a newspaper.

The little girl giggles.

Woman: What are you laughing at?
Little Girl: Marmaduke.

Okay, come on. How do you expect me to suspend reality enough to believe that somebody laughed at Marmaduke? 4400 people abducted by UFOs throughout history and returned on the same day? No problem-it could happen. The abductees now have special powers that allow them to read minds, heal the sick, etc.? Absolutely. Hey-you can't come back from a UFO unchanged. But somebody actually thinking Marmaduke is funny? Now you're pushing it, USA Network. Let's try to keep ourselves a little grounded in reality here and stick to storylines like the one where that guy broke all those windows with his mind.

On a sidenote, wouldn't it be sweet if you could break stuff with your mind? Sometimes when I have road rage I pretend I have this power and try to will the windshield of "the offender's" car to crack right down the middle. That way I'm not wishing for anything to happen that could actually hurt the driver but rather just cost him or her like $100 and a headache. It's a win-win really.

Leaky

You know what's so awesome about a brand spanking new house? No problems. Oh except for the leak in my garage floor and the leak from my furnace which is coming into my downstairs bathroom. But other than that...it's great.

Okay what? What is the goddamn deal? Neither problem is very serious, but they are both seriously annoying. Especially considering IT'S A NEW FUCKING HOUSE!

According to my dad, these types of problems are pretty common even with new houses. Hmm..somehow that doesn't make me less pissed. Oh well-I'm meeting Bob the repair guy today on my lunch break (cool way to spend a lunch break), and hopefully he can fix me all up then we can date and then he can move to Baltimore.

Some quick apologies:

Diane, sorry you had to drive Drew and my drunk asses home Saturday night, and sorry we were singing Christmas carols out the windows at people on the street.

Jace/Renee, sorry I bought too many martinis and amaretto sours and didn't have enough money to cover my part of the check thereby resulting in one of you paying for me. I'm not sure who it was that actually put in money for me, but I owe one of you.

Kim, sorry I totally nailed you in the forehead with my chair-in-a-bag. I feel awful-especially now that it's red and swollen. No it looks good, though.

New guy at work who is French, sorry your accent makes you sound gay. I mean maybe you are and that's absolutely fine, but if you're not no one will ever know. That sucks, mon ami.

Gonna make you sweat

Sorry I have been M.I.A, but it's hard for me to be in this apartment without having a heatstroke or spontaneously catching fire.



That is my thermostat. If you're wondering, yes-that does say 88. That is what temperature it is in my apartment about 95% of the time. I can't breathe without breaking into a sweat. Seriously I can't stop sweating. Ever. I think this will be my new diet. Sarah's Sweat Diet. It basically consists of sitting in my apartment and breathing. Hey-it's working for me. I've already lost like 0 pounds, and I smell bad.

Actually I've been super busy. I don't know if you guys know this, but I bought a condo. Maybe you heard it on your local news. As promised, when I got the keys I rolled around on the carpet. Then I was like, "Now what?" It didn't really feel like it was mine. But my parents and I have been working our asses off there since Friday, and things are beginning to take shape so it's starting to feel more like home. When it's in better shape I'll post some pics of it. If you're lucky I'll post some pics of my dad wearing his toolbelt. Just kidding, Dad (not really, you guys).

Hit Me Baby One More Time: Week Two

Another episode of "Hit Me Baby One More Time" is behind us. Let's just get right down to it.

My comments:

The Knack – What a great idea cryogenically freezing yourselves until your appearance on "Hit Me Baby One More Time". It definitely paid off as you looked and sounded exactly the same. If Vanilla Ice didn't win, you should have.

Haddaway – You actually don't sound that bad. I'm glad to see you're still completely against wearing shirts underneath sport coats or vests, etc. Good for you. Don't let them change who you are. Hearing about what you were doing now was fascinating since your current activities consist of buying bread and golfing. Actually that's not a bad life. I'm a little bit envious. A couple of tips for the next time you go out on stage:
1. Having slutty dancers up there with you was a nice touch. But maybe next time we could see less bare ass on that one girl. You know the one.
2. Never crawl on stage ever again.

Tommy Tutone – Okay so "867-5309/Jenny" came out in 1981 which was 24 years ago so that means you were…..carry the one….approximately 83 years old when it was released-based purely on how you look now. Dear God, man. What happened? And hey-thanks for reminding us why you were a one hit wonder: because you lack musical talent of any kind. At least you don't seem bitter at all about being a computer programmer now.

The Motels – When I heard you were going to be on, I was like, "Who?" Then when I saw you tonight, I was like, "Who?" Seriously-was "Only the Lonely" that big of a hit that they needed to bring you back so that you could force it upon us once again? And don’t get me started on your cover of Norah Jones's "Don't Know Why". I watched the whole performance in pure horror. Kim described it as a "train wreck", and Kim was right. Hey, lead singer lady, you're pretty old. You should date Tommy Tutone.

Vanilla Ice – I have one word for you, Robert Van Winkle: AMAZING. Holy shit you were awesome and totally deserved to win. I think the dancing is what sealed it for you. Your cover of "Survivor" by Destiny's Child sounded exactly like it except for the part where you rapped all new words and changed the entire chorus. Also because of your performance tonight, I am inspired to hire my own personal break dancer. By the way, if you are single you should date my friend Kim. She only calls you Robert Van Winkle, and she even ditched school one day to go see the Ninja Turtles movie with you in it. Or maybe it was "Cool As Ice". Does it really matter? Date her!

Host - I still hate you, but when you said, "Ladies and gentleman, if you're wondering—yes you did just see that" after Vanilla Ice's performance, you won a little piece of my heart.

Next week – Wang Chung, Howard Jones, Cameo, Sophie B. Hawkins and Irene Cara. Irene Cara, you will be singing "What a Feeling", and I will absolutely be losing my mind in my living room.

Closing time

16 hours from now I will be closing on my condo. They'll hand me the keys, and it will be mine, and I will immediately go roll around on the carpet. Half of me is completely ecstatic beyond what is even reasonable. But the other half can't stop crying. The thing is-this is not what I was supposed to be doing this year. I was supposed to be buying a house with my future husband and then a dog and then a wedding dress and then a crib and then a minivan. Condo for one was not on the agenda.

Life totally just changed my whole agenda and didn't even email me a copy. What the hell is up with that. All I know is if you worked at the bank, Life, that shit wouldn't fly.

But then this morning Scott pointed out an item on the agenda that I didn't see. And that is this:

"Molly Ringwald declaring she's interested in making a sequel to her 1984 hit movie, Sixteen Candles after reading a script she liked." -- E! Online

Holy effing shit. Please let this be true. Dear God, it has been a rough year for me and my friends. Don't we deserve some happiness in the form of Molly Ringwald? Can't you see that much like your son, she is a chosen one? There is a void in Hollywood-vast and dark-that only she can fill. Lord...hear our prayer.

P.S. If I promise to limit my use of the F word while driving, will you throw in Anthony Michael Hall?

Letters for June 7, 2005

Dear bugs living inside my apartment,
Look I know this is a very old house. I know we are close to the lake so there are more of you-not to mention more species of you. But this is my house, and I still have to live here for a few more weeks so here's the deal: Anyone possessing more than 2 legs is not to show their face, get in my food, be anywhere near my bed or be on anything that I might potentially at some point pick up or touch or have near me. Violators will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of me crushing the shit out of you and flushing you down the toilet while I laugh. Do not test me. They didn't call me The Ladybug Slayer in college for nothing.

Dear coughing guy at movie theater,
I'm sorry we all laughed really hard the first few times you coughed/gagged/probably vomited in your own mouth a little bit. We didn't realize your situation. Had we known you were seven trillion years old and clearly ready to die, we probably would've been more sensitive. Although, I swear I almost called 911 for you about seventeen times. I didn't see you leave the movie theater after the show, but I presume they brought in a gurney and wheeled you outside and straight into a waiting hearse. I hope you enjoyed your last movie at a theater. You picked a good one. God bless.

P.S. I think you left part of your left lung in the cup holder. Just FYI.

Dear window air conditioner in my room,
You…..complete….me.

Moving tips

Moving can be a hectic and stressful time. Here are some tips to help make it go as smooth as possible:

1. Pick your moving date early, and tell your friends and family as soon as possible so they can make themselves available to help.

2. Start packing up things you don't use everyday well before your moving date.

3. Two weeks before the big move, tear a bunch of ligaments in your foot so you are unable to walk without a crutch nor can you finish packing or lifting things on your own.
Note: If possible, sprain your foot playing a sport that your father has been telling you for the past year to stop playing because "you're too old", for example, football. It is not annoying at all to hear "I told you so" 75 times a day.*

I, myself, have successfully performed all three of these crucial steps, the last of which was completed on Saturday.

God. Dammit.

*Oh but I caught the fucking ball and held onto it even as I heard ligaments tearing inside my foot. I am awesome.

Hit Me Baby One More Time: Week 1

I hope you all watched the first installment of "Hit Me Baby One More Time" on NBC last night. It was a feast for the eyes and ears. Diane, Meg and Kim came over to watch it with me, and we all decided that we will do whatever it takes to be in the studio audience for one of these shows.

My comments:

Loverboy - More like Lardboy. What's goin on, lead singer? As Erik said, "It's like he ate the younger, previous version of himself." You sounded okay on "Working for the Weekend", and I have to say, we were rockin out in my living room. Then you brought down the house with your version of Enrique Iglesias's "Hero". And by "brought down the house" I mean you made us all want to kill ourselves. I'm more than impressed that you guys still do 100 shows a year, but can you really call singing at a car dealership opening or by the Borders entrance a "show"? Because I'm fairly certain those are the kinds of things people are inviting you to do.

CeCe Peniston - Yeah I don't care about you. I don't think the show does either since you were added as the fifth act about 10 minutes before the show started. You have a nice voice, and you kind of look like a man. That is all.

Flock of Seagulls - You guys have managed to age 312 years in only 20. I think you guys age in dog years. You also seem to be the only ones still taking themselves seriously. Here's a newsflash-your old hairstyle is more famous than you. You covered Ryan Cabrera's "On the Way Down" which is a great song yet somehow ended up sounding like "I Ran". You guys seriously aren't letting go of new wave, are you? Or your ponytails.

Arrested Development - Have you aged at all in the past 15 years? Not only that, you may have actually gotten more talented. I am impressed, that's for sure. You deserved to win-although I am still obligated to give you all a beat-down since you defeated Tiffany. I think what won it for you was the old man walking around stage and/or sitting in a rocking chair clapping the whole time. How can you argue with that kind of genius?

Tiffany - I heart you so effing much I can't even stand it. I thought you did awesome and should have won, and I don't care what anyone says. And I did not even notice that in your first outfit your boobs were waving to the people in the studio audience, and you looked pregnant. Nor did I notice that in your second outfit we realized that you weren't pregnant-that it was just your fat roll hanging over the sides of your...skirt? Napkin? Whatever it was-it was appropriate for your age. I have been listening to your greatest hits since last night, and I have decided we are fat roll buddies.

The host - Who are you? Why are you so freakishly tall? Why are your two front teeth so long? What's up with your giant lips? How come when you say "Vanilla Ice" it sounds like "Vaniller Ice"? Seriously who are you?

The voting - WTF! The studio audience gets to vote? That's bullcrap! I thought we were the ones who got to vote a la "American Idol". I guess this show doesn't have the same kind of budget-which is shocking. Hello-do you know what kind of numbers a fat Loverboy can bring in?

Studio Audience - I will bitchslap all of you for not voting for Tiffany.

Sidenote about Tiffany - Do you think when they introduced her as once being America's Favorite Teenager, Debbie Gibson completely snapped and drove to Tiffany's house and murdered her in her sleep?

To Debbie - I love you, too. No I won't choose. I love you both equally.

Next week's line up includes The Knack, The Motels, Vanilla Ice and Tommy Tutone. It also includes me getting drunk and singing and/or dancing along in my living room.

Lift and separate

So I bought an IPEX bra from Victoria's Secret for like $3,000. It was originally $3,005, but I had a $5 coupon. I think I was sucked in by the TV commercial with Gisele Bundtpan standing on a pedestal while a voice boomed that the IPEX was "the world's most advanced bra". Really when you think about it, how advanced could it really be? I mean, it's still just a bra. It's not like it performs open heart surgery or flies airplanes or even calculates the tip at restaurants*. But I bought one nonetheless.

I wore it today for the first time. It felt great at first, but something was amiss. The ladies didn’t look right. I couldn't figure out what it was, but they looked smaller, and I was definitely not okay with that. But it wasn't just that. What was it? Too pointy? Too high?

I asked John and Danielle to take a look-obviously. Finally John nailed it: they were too separated, too far apart. Yes a bra should lift and separate, but it should not lift and rearrange your body structure. It was like they were both trying to jump ship on me-in opposite directions. As John said, "Moses is going to come up to you and be like, 'Hey-can I get through there?'"

Here is my final rating:

Material: A+ - It seriously doesn't even feel like you have anything on.

Underwire: F - It started out okay, but by the time I got home it was trying to burrow it's way under my skin.

Pattern: A+ - I wish I could show it to you. It's really cute.

Boob appearance: D - For the reasons explained above.

Overall rating: C-

Sorry, fellas-I know this post was of more interest for the girls. I will make it up to you in my next post where I will discuss "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" and tampons.

*This is not a bad idea.

I'm melting

This is what I look like right now:



It's 81 fucking degrees in here. I'm gonna go lay inside my crisper drawer.