Quick Thanksgiving rundown

I love to eat.

I totally suck at Boggle. Seriously I haven't played in 20 years, and my vocabulary has not improved at all since then.

The most drama we experienced all day is when Henry, our dog, tried to eat the plastic turkey popper timer thingie. There was an all out panic and my grandma and I literally shoved our hands inside his mouth. What ended up working was me prying his mouth open and then tipping him over upside so it would fall out. It reminded me of what you would do in a cartoon situation. And it was awesome.

I accidentally came out as a lesbian to my family.

My grandma tried to give us this:










No, Grandma.

On my father's side of the family, noodles are a really big deal. They are cooked for pretty much every meal-especially Thanksgiving. This is foreign to almost everyone except our family. While we all love this tradition, my Dad and I are obsessed. with. noodles. And we totally tried to start a full on Stuffing Versus Noodles war. Not surprisingly, we were not victorious. But our love of noodles does not wane. We may have lost the battle, but we won't stop fighting the war.

I didn't wear a jacket on Thanksgiving. Then I woke up Friday to this:




















We went shopping. While at Dick's, I walked by a display and knocked over a gigantic 12 foot poster of a lady skiing. It was loud and right by the checkout where everyone was standing. I tried to put it back up, but then a nice worker lady came over and did it for me. Then she said, "Don't worry about it. She's a bad skier." Thanks, nice lady.

We saw "The Blind Side". I literally had to hold back tears every 5-7 minutes. Normally that would be an exaggeration. I am not exaggerating. At all. It was lovely. The guy who played Michael Oher was freaking amazing. Plus I heart Sandra Bullock. It's too bad she's so ugly.

When I was a senior in high school, I used to babysit for 3 kids across the street from me. A boy who was 8 and his two little sisters who were 4 and 2. While at the mall Friday, I saw the boy working at a store. He's like 7 feet tall, and I saw him kiss his girlfriend. After some quick math, I figured out he is about 22. Which means he's almost done with college. Which means I'M AN OLD F*CK. Uh oh...he's 5 years older than Taylor Lautner. Ew. I feel dirty. Wait just saw the picture again. Aaaand back to lusting over a 17 year old.

How was everyone's holiday? Did you see any kids you used to babysit for that made you feel old which then threw you into panic about your life and where it's going and how fast it's going there?

It's...pretty obvious I haven't really slept in a few days

- How was everyone's New Moon Day? I've decided the opening day of all Twilight movies should probably be their own holiday. Obviously 14 of us girls (all over 30) went Friday-the day it opened. We bought our tickets like 3 weeks in advance (sad), went right at 5:30 which means most of us left work early-if we went to work at all which Renee and I didn't (sad) and then most of us got there 45 minutes early and stood in a line until they would let us in the theater (sad).

Kim and I were the first ones through the ticket taker so we made our way to the theater to save seats. 11 and 12 year olds went rushing by us in a blur. They were already squealing. It really was so cute. I remember when I used to be THAT excited about things: Kirk Cameron, Michael J. Fox, NKOTB, Twilight. Okay fine I still get THAT excited. Whatever shut up.

We picked a good time to go because it was too early for most high school kids. Since I am a crabby old lady, I hate going to movies with high school kids because they are obnoxious. This crabbiness also tends to result in me making sweeping, unfair generalizations. But seriously. Shush it, high school kids. We're trying to listen and some of us are hard of hearing because we were blasting Def Leppard on the way here. Damn kids and their sexting.

Our theater was mostly junior high aged girls who took pictures of the movie screen whenever Edward or Jacob was in a close up (seriously), other women our age (holla!) and one group of 3 high school boys with a mom who sat in the back. Awesome. Be proud of your Twilight love, boys.

I loved the movie. It's not for everyone, of course, but I loved it. I am not going to get into any discussion about its sexist nature and the negative message it may or may not be sending to our young females because blabity blah blah. It's an effing vampire/werewolf movie. Young girls already have a weird idea of what love is because, well, they are kids and they are girls. Fact: In junior high and high school you will experience infatuation with another person. And it will own you and make you dumb and then crush you and you will think you are going to die (I am looking at you, DL). When you're that age, it's the absolute most important thing that will ever happen to you ever. Then you grow up, realize there are more important things, and you can appreciate the books and the movies on a different level-for entertainment value. And for ogling.

Let's just get this out of the way: Taylor Lautner is beautiful. He's a beautiful, gorgeous man-boy. I spent literally the entire movie lusting after him and trying not to feel guilty about it. I have questions. How is that kid only 17? Why does he make me think dirty things about him when I know he has only been driving for 1 year? When does he turn 18? Why am I so creepy? The first scene in the movie where he takes his shirt off is so ridiculous and contrived, and instead of laughing-the appropriate response-I was like, "Take me to jail." Please more. More of him.

Oh also-and this is really just secondary-I thought his acting was superb. I was a little worried, but he did a great job. So did his abs. Okay we need to switch topics before I accidently break a law or something.

-Please watch The Muppets singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" immediately. You will not be sorry.

- I hate myself for liking Chris Brown's new song. I haven't purchased it and have no plans to. But it's really good. And I am having many conflicting thoughts. Man this post is full of angst. Just like high school (dammit, DL).

- Now that Oprah is retiring, I really feel like it's time I got my own talk show. Basically it would be me sitting on a couch offering everyone Salt & Vinegar Pringles while we gossip about how Josh Duhamel TOTALLY cheated on Fergie (right?) and then I interview Shia LaBeouf about why he's only been in 3 movies this year and we end the show by singing the theme song to "Growing Pains" (I sing the boy part, you sing the girl part). What the hell just happened here. I just completely lost it, right? I wrote that sentence without even thinking, and now I'm scared.

Hold me.

A stitch in time saves nine is not a good saying

Really quick apology: I'm sorry to Anita and Becky for showing up at your respective baby showers with the creeping crud and breathing all over everything. I swear I was bathing in hand sanitizer so as not to pass on my germs. And Becky, sorry I was so sick that I showed up with wet hair to yours. I literally only had enough energy to run my favorite pick through it (from Fantastic Sam's) and put on eyeliner. Truly it was a miracle I showered at all in my condition. You have a big beautiful belly with those 2 babies in there. I want to hug it and sing show tunes to it, but I will refrain. As long as other people are around.

So growing up, our maternal grandmother was always getting Diane and I to try different types of crafts. We would make Christmas ornaments for our parents and things like that. When I was about 11 or 12, she bought each of us a little starter kit to learn cross-stitching.

Diane made this for me when I graduated high school:







She hates it and thinks it's lame. But I love it and think it's sweet. Plus it looks a lot like me.










This is what I made:





















I call it "Minus Sign". Also you should know, that is from the starter kit my grandma gave me. That's literally as far as I got. I spent, like, 36 minutes stitching this 21 years ago, and that was it. I know what you're thinking: My commitment is unparalleled, and my grandmother is probably really proud. Look the way I see it, this is the only piece I ever did. That makes it more rare. More rare means more valuable. Amiright??

Yeah I'm probably gonna throw it away after I press "Publish". Just kidding. No way am I throwing this away. Now I don't have to buy my parents a Christmas present.

Whoa!

Well, guys, I know you will be surprised to hear this, but I'm sick. I know, I know. I am usually the pillar of health. But it's true. I have bronchitis. And it effing sucks.

Naturally my parents are convinced I have swine flu. I mean I will keep an eye out for it, but everyone knows I am like the last person to grab on to the latest fad. If I got swine flu now that would make me terribly in vogue, and let's be honest, that's just not me. It's more likely that I have SARS.

Speaking of SARS, when I went to Urgicare tonight, they made me put on a surgical mask since I was coughing. I have never worn a surgical mask before. They are extremely funny and extremely uncomfortable. As soon as I put it on, I was making SARS jokes in my head. Because as we just discussed, I am like 6 years behind. I quickly admonished myself for being so lame so instead, I started reenacting scenes from "Grey's Anatomy" in my head*. And sort of outside of my head.

When I left the office, I noticed there were a lot of people in the waiting room. So I left the mask on as I walked out to freak them out. I definitely saw some looks of horror. I am a bad person. That's probably why I've been stricken with bronchitis swine SARS.

While I've been home battling sickness, my sister has been in L.A. for work. Monday night, she and her coworkers happened upon the premier for "Old Dogs" which, by the way, looks terrible. Well, they ended up standing in the crowd watching the red carpet. They saw Jon Voigt, Seth Green, Breckin Meyer, Uncle Jessie's wife Becky from "Full House", Kelly Preston, John Travolta, Robin Williams, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson. She said that Kelly Preston and Becky from "Full House" were otherworldly beautiful. Skinny and gorgeous and just ridiculous.

So after Diane saw some like actual major mega movie stars, she saw a commotion and ran over to see what it was about. And she ended up about 1 foot away from...are you ready?

Joey Lawrence!

Yes. The man. The legend. And here is one reason why I love my sister. Her reaction to all the major mega movie stars? Excitement. Some "Wow this is so cool" type statements. Her reaction to Joey Lawrence? "I LOVE YOU, JOEY LAWRENCE!!!!!" She completely lost her mind. And screamed that at him. From a foot away. He looked up and smiled at her. So now I'm pretty sure her life is complete. And I'm pretty sure mine has a hole in it that can only be filled by a look from Joey Lawrence.

I just want to say that 5 years ago I was in New York City for work, and my hotel was next to the premier of "Troy". So I went outside to see some Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston and get them to be best friends with me (seriously I bet I could've saved their marriage), but I was too late so all I saw was a lousy Olsen twin.

By the way, when I told my friend at work that my sister saw Joey Lawrence at a movie premier, he thought I meant that he was in the crowd with her watching the red carpet. Now that's effing funny.

*Um...how freaking awesome have the past few episodes of Grey's been? So awesome!

Halloween happenings

The week before Halloween was Suz and AJ's annual Halloween party. Every year they have a Halloween movie trivia quiz, and they give out prizes and everything. The past two years, I have won this trivia game. It has brought me much fame and glory and also angered all my friends to the point that when I won the Christmas movie trivia quiz at Brian and Anita's Christmas party last year, I was booed. So I had a lot to live up to this year. Luckily, I. Am. Awesome. That's right-3 years in a row!! As predicted, I was booed again. But I know it's all in good fun plus everyone can pretty much bite me. I also won second place in the best costume contest so I was given a bottle of Riesling that was in the shape of a black cat (this will be important coming up).

I was insanely sick the entire week after we got back from Vegas so I was entirely unprepared for the party. Three days before, it dawned on me that I did not have a costume. As usual when costume anxiety sets in, I began looking through every drawer and cabinet in my house praying for an idea to strike. What I found was one of those plastic hair bonnets that old ladies wear when it rains. My dad had given it to me a couple months ago. Obviously. Why wouldn't he.

Using the rain bonnet as inspiration, I went to the party dressed up as me. At age 90. Ugly blouse that had a clip on pearl necklace attached to it, ugly skirt, knee highs showing, slip-on tennis shoes, reading glasses on a chain, clip-on earrings, hair in a bun, plastic rain bonnet and ginormous bra on the outside of my shirt. Because I mean I figure I'll be one of those old ladies-you know so senile I wear my bra on the outside? The best part is that I bought the bra at the Salvation Army. Did you know they sell bras there? Just one word on that: ew. But yeah I got a huge old lady bra for like $2. I felt pretty cool purchasing it in front of people who probably later went home and told their families to be thankful for what they have and to not take for granted that they don't need to purchase used undergarments. Sadly I did not have to purchase the knee highs or slip-on tennis shoes. Those were mine, you guys. Parts of my 90 year old lady costume were things I owned. Sigh.

Notable quotes:

Me as I walked into the party: "I can't stay. I have a date."

All my guy friends: "I feel gross because I can't stop staring at your bra."

Suz: "You're keeping that outfit, right?"
Me: "Well I plan on having teenagers someday who need dropped off and picked up places. So yes."

My mom: "Cute. But weird."

My dad: "I'm so proud."

Note: My parents weren't at the party. My sister and I sent a picture to their cell phones. Hopefully they were with friends and had to show them the picture and then wordlessly shrug as their friends said things like, "Your daughter's 32, right? No boyfriend? Wow. That's shocking."

On actual Halloween night a big group of us went to Diane and Drew's to hand out candy and eat chili. It was really fun. Especially when Meg laid down in the front yard to demonstrate her P90X moves. She was rolling around covered in leaves then convinced Matt to lay down and do the moves with her. I'm pretty sure this made us the most terrifying house on the block. At one point Lisa had to say to some clearly nervous children, "We're not scary. We're just loud. I promise." After Diane's we went to Renee and Darren's to hang out, make fun of the candy they bought to hand out and play musical Catch Phrase. During several rounds of this game I came dangerously close to peeing my pants from laughing so hard. Matt was completely freaked out by my black cat bottle of Riesling so naturally I held it up to him and made it talk. He goes, "Get your black pussy out of my face." And then I laughed so hard I choked on my own saliva.




Good luck getting this image out of your head the rest of the day.

Update on my first couple weeks with King Nano

Number of songs: 1,771

Space free: 7.17 GB (God I love you King Nano)

#1 most played song so far: "Photograph" - Def Leppard (obviously)

#2 most played song: "Defying Gravity" - Original Cast Recording of "Wicked" (I am part gay man)

#3 most played song: "Fader" - The Temper Trap (everyone listen to The Temper Trap immediately)

Time I spent loading George Michael/Wham! songs onto it tonight: 1 hour

# of times I've listened to "Everything She Wants" by Wham! since I downloaded it: approximately 17

How awesome is that song on a scale of 1-10, 10 being most awesome: approximately 17

How much do I want to add an exclamation point to my name so I'm known as Sarah!: a really lot

# of Shia LaBeouf movies I watched today: 1 (Transformers 2)

# of times I changed the batteries in my smoke alarms and after testing them couldn't figure out how to get them to stop beeping: 4

# of Halloween decorations I own that I realized today contain a misspelling: 1 (Autumn Greetngs)

How much do I want to see the new Sandra Bullock movie, "The Blind Side": so effing much

How often do I cry when the preview for that movie is on: every time

When did I buy a ticket for "New Moon": last week

How old am I again: 32

When did this King Nano list go off the rails: Right around Wham!

Picture Pages!

I wanted to show you a picture of my new boyfriend. While taking his picture, I found some other pictures I would like to show you. They are, in a word, life changing. Okay in a words.

First my new boyfriend:










This is King Nano.










I know what you are thinking. What happened to my old boyfriend Lance Cpl Harold W. Dawson? Look it's nothing he did. It's just that he couldn't really give me everything I needed. I shouldn't talk bad about him. There is still a lot of love there. But he is moving on to Drew's sister, and I am moving on to King Nano who is 16Gb has video, FM radio and Cover Flow. Sigh...I love him.

Here is a picture of the pocket watch Steph bought for Europe:





See? It's a for real pocket watch.









Check out my train whistle:








Phallic much? The way it works is you just blow into that round tip and then it erupts with sound. Ahahahaha. Sorry, Dad.

A bar near us does these crab races on Wednesdays. If you want in, you pay a couple bucks and pick a number. Each crab in the race is numbered so the number you pick corresponds to that crab. Everyone stands around a big round table, and they dump the crabs in the middle. First crab to reach th edge of the table wins. It. Is. Awesome.

This is the starting point of the race. All the crabs are in the middle and will begin walking outward any minute. First one to cross that white line you see around the edge of the table is the winner.

We got to name our crabs. I named mine Herpes. In the picture below you can see just how competitive Herpes was:















Nice job, Herpes. I actually turned to Diane at this point and said, "I'm pretty sure my crab is dead." Other crabs were literally crawling on top of him and using him for leverage, and he wasn't even moving. Turns out he wasn't dead. Just slow. Like me. But not like herpes.

Lastly, here is a picture either Diane or Sharda took while hanging out the window of my car while we were driving on the highway on our way back from Miami University last year:

What is that, you ask? That, my friends, is a monstrosity. It's called the King of Kings statue, and it sits outside of Solid Rock Church in Monroe, Ohio. It's 62 feet high and cost a quarter of a million dollars to build. A quarter of a million dollars. And it's not even a water fountain. I'm sure there aren't any needy families or children in the area who could've used the church's donation of $250,000. THIS IS DISGUSTING, SOLID ROCK CHURCH! But damn-it is funny.

I do have a suggestion for improvement, though:

Aaaaaand cue lightning strike.

We're back!

If you followed my tweets you know that I was on a hot losing streak while in Vegas. I was also on another kind of streak: a drinking streak. I'm not kidding I think I was drunk for 3 days straight. Luckily I have it all on film. Check out these pictures:



Yeah there aren't any pictures. I took my camera with me everywhere and took no pictures. Let this be a lesson to you all: being drunk = forgetting to take pictures. Sometimes it = taking horrible pictures that you can't post anyway because you need to remain gainfully employed and on speaking terms with your family.

Actually I do have one picture. And I really can't post it because it's a picture of a stack of porno cards that John took from the porno hander-outers in Vegas and then stuffed in my purse when I wasn't paying attention. I found them 2 days later.

Some Vegas numbers for you:

People on the trip: 15
People on the trip who I love with all my heart: 14 (I'm excluding me here not because I don't like myself but it's super douchey to say you love yourself with all your heart)
Dollars lost: $270
Drinks drank: 30+?
Times Drew almost walked in on me naked: 1
Times I screamed "No" when Drew almost walked in on me naked: 16
Amazing steaks eaten: 1
Amazing steaks I'm still thinking about: 1
Times I tripped and fell on my ass by the pool: 1
Bruises I obtained as a result of that fall: 3
People who had stomach issues: 3
Times I played my favorite slot machine game ever, The Frog Prince: 900
Horrible toasts I made: 1
Times I had my champagne glass refilled for free at brunch on Sunday: possibly 17
Times I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants: lost count

I seriously need to hire someone to always be bringing me champagne. Like for real.

I was ready to go home Sunday afternoon to get away from the smoke and the losing of money. And now I am ready to go back. I'm not even kidding-who's in for a trip next year? Let's do this. I will show you the proper way to drink an absolutely ginormous plastic Eiffel Tower full of strawberry daiquiri and get so drunk in the afternoon that you pass out at 5:30pm and get up an hour and a half later ready to go again. Also you can see me in my giant sunhat. Renee said it makes me looks like J-lo, but I know it really makes me look like a grandma. I am okay with that. My varicose veins make me look like a grandma, too. You guys are gross. So are varicose veins.

Oh by the way, I've been meaning to tell you guys: 2 weeks ago I locked my keys in my car after pulling into the parking garage at work. Not just my keys. My cell phone, my work laptop, every single thing I needed. It was awesome. I mean I guess it's not as embarassing as locking myself in my car. But still. Anyway, John made a Top Ten countdown before Vegas of reasons why it was going to be awesome. I thought about posting it, but it's too inside jokey, and unless you know all the people going, wouldn't be fun reading for you. So I'll just show you #6:

6. Is it possible to lock yourself inside an airplane? A hotel room? Out of an airplane? Sarah is going to Vegas with us. We will have our answers soon enough.

Apparently this made everybody "laugh hysterically" ha ha ha. But you know I would just like to say that I did not lock myself out of anything this trip. Although I did kind of get stuck in the airplane bathroom on the way home, and a flight attendant-a good looking male flight attendant who earlier in the flight had had to stop and show me how to lift my armrest because I couldn't figure it out-had to push on the door from the outside to help me open it. So...yeah. Dammit. Whatever I hate you guys.

P.S. Our flight home had this service where you pay $6 on your credit card and you get to watch DirectTV-live happening now DirectTV-and movies that haven't been released yet for the whole flight! The screen is on the seat in front of you. I just want to say: this is hella awesome. Diane was all, "Whatever I'm not paying $6!" because apparently she can lose $200 gambling in Vegas and pay $15 for a drink by the pool but $6 for 4 hours of entertainment is careless spending. Me on the other hand? As soon as I realized what it was I was looking at, out came the credit card. Diane obviously came around a half hour later. Continental, please hear me: GREATEST IDEA EVER.

Holy crap it's Vegas Day!

I'm getting ready to go to the airport to leave for Vegas. Incidentally, I got up way earlier and with less fuss than I do for work. I had this whole post planned, but my Internet provider was down last night for "maintenance" so now we all lose. I'll post it when I get back because it's awesome.

My Blackberry won't let me post to my blog anymore (uncool!) so follow me on Twitter for Vegas updates. They will probably be really informative like, "Just drank 7 free vodka crans in 20 minutes. Damn the casino man!" and "Just puked. Don't remember eating that."

Have a great week, everyone!

Caliente Pocket!

When speaking to a crowd (do my parents and Steph count as a crowd?), you should try opening with a joke. So here goes:

What has two eyes, two arms, two legs, two ears and accidentally brought two coats to work on Friday? ME!

Wow that was a pretty effective joke. I can see everyone here is now loosening up, we're all kind of jiving and on the same page. Did I just say jiving? No seriously though I brought two coats to work on Friday. I wore one and after I hung it up at my desk, I realized I had also carried one in. Hey-you can't put a price on that kind of flakiness.

Okay this was a pretty solid opening. On to some announcements:

- Two very big announcements for our group: ALoyd and Sharda are engaged and will forever be joined as Shloyd. Also Gordo actually found someone patient enough to marry him! I kid, I kid, Gordo. Gordo and Tracey are also engaged. Fantastic news all around! Congratulations, you four! May I offer one suggestion? Double wedding!

- Giant Eagle just lowered the price on their rotisserie chicken to $4.99, and I can think of no reason why I shouldn't buy one of these every single day. My life is sad.

- You guys, for 10 years-10 YEARS-I have been sitting...hoping...patiently waiting for my time to come. For my friend to return to his rightful place in the sun. I'm sure by now you know I'm talking about my friend...Flannel. Flannel is back, baby. Take a look around you. IT'S BACK. You can't fight it so don't even try. Just embrace it. Love it. Take it into your arms and feel how soft and comfy it is. How it makes you want to snuggle up in front of a fire or drink hot chocolate with marshmallows or chop wood. I've wished for this for so long, and now it's finally here: Flannel. Is. Back. In. Style. Yay!! Thank you, fashion gods!

- Um...who watched "The Office"? Okay seriously-that episode was freaking amazing. The rehearsal dinner speeches made me so uncomfortable, I was literally hiding under my blanket. Then Andy's accident. Then the wedding. The greatest half hour of television ever! When they stopped the organist, and Dwight went up and pressed Play on the iPod, and I heard "Forever" start, this was my exact reaction: "This show is fucking brilliant." Then I laughed so hard my stomach hurt, and at the same time, I cried like a little girl. The Maid of the Mist scenes were beautiful. The whole thing was just perfect. Especially Michael's genuine emotional response to Pam and Jim actually getting married. It was only on the screen for maybe 3 seconds, but it was beautiful. If you missed it, go back and find it. It's really lovely. I love you forever, Office!

- Speaking of television, Flash Forward, anyone? I decided to record it "just in case", though, I was really expecting to watch one episode and let it go. Then the one episode decided to be THE MOST AWESOME EPISODE EVER! Dammit, Flash Forward. Why are you so good?

- The big news is that we are leaving for Las Vegas on Thursday! 2.5 days. I keep forgetting about it, though. And by that I mean that it's literally all I think about every second of every day for the past 3 weeks. John is going. For you old schoolers, you know him as Shop Dungarees and one of the funniest m-effers in the world. We are going to Vegas. Just the two of us. No I'm kidding, obviously, even though that's what he keeps telling people at work. That makes for a comfortable working environment. A big group of us are going including John and his wife Leah. The only problem with John going is that since we see each other every day, we talk about Vegas every day, and all it does is rile us all up for the trip and then we just become useless. Well, more useless than usual. We actually tried to play craps at my desk last week. Finally I was like, "We have a problem."

Between last week and the week prior, I had 3 Hot Pockets for lunches. On Friday, while I was eating my Lean Pocket, this conversation happened:

John: I'm concerned with the number of Hot Pockets you're eating this close to Vegas.
Keith: What do you mean?
Me: He wants me to be gambling with my money-not with my health.

We all laughed. Two hours later, I got a horrible stomachache that lasted for 2 days. Let this be a lesson to you all: Jim Gaffigan is right about Hot Pockets.