Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Five years

You guys, a grievous error has been made, and it must be rectified.

I missed the 5 year anniversary of this blog. On January 4, 2005 I started Okay Seriously. It was started as a way to help me pass the time during the long, depressing days after my boyfriend left. It has since become a place for me to make fun of celebrities, recap episodes of "Lost", tell stories that amuse me, embarass my friends and family, be a bad role model to kids and make connections with people I don't know because they care enough to be here and read my crap and not judge me (or at least judge me silently). Some of you have been with me for all 5 years (you know who you are, my special friends-looking forward to our 2010 meeting of the minds summit).

My blog was none too happy that I missed the blogiversary. I looked it up and for the 5th anniversary you are supposed to give something made of wood. I started out by trying to give my blog my coffee table:

As you can see, that only started the waterworks. "You don't really care about me!" "You can't give me furniture you already own!" And on and on.

So then I thought, "Okay here's my 5 wood."

The tears turned to anger. At this point I kind of threw my hands up in frustration. Words were exchanged. It got a little heated:

Luckily I was able to defuse the situation by promising to post more often. Also I gave it $50 to go to the mall. It loves The Buckle.

In honor of my 5 year anniversary, how about some little known truths?

One thing that happened in my life that I never wrote about: 3 and a half years ago my dad was diagnosed with prostate cancer. At his request, I didn't blog about it while it was all happening. Yeah. I just blew your mind, didn't I? He is better now. You're never really cured of cancer once you get it, but he is officially considered a cancer survivor. Someday I'll write about it I'm sure, but it was always too big to put in to words for me. I'm not a true writer (see exhibit A: blog), and it was an important event and will continue to be important in the lives of me and my entire family and it's hard for me to write about it with any eloquence. Also my brain leads me to pee pee jokes because that's how I cope with things and that is inappropriate. But awesome sidenote: my dad still plays the cancer card sometimes. Like we'll be fighting over the last cookie and he'll say, "Well, I have cancer." I love you, Daddy. Sorry for all the jokes about my boobs over the past 5 years.

One thing I wrote about that never actually happened: I did not hook up with this guy in Miami:

I'm sorry I lied to make myself look cool.

Aside from my maturity level, a lot has changed over the past 5 years. For example, my MS Paint skills. Also just look at how I've changed physically during that time:

I can't believe how dumb I used to look.

I actually thought about changing my blog template to be more "hip" in honor of the blogiversary, but let's be honest: I am way too lazy to do that. I mean we are talking about a girl who owns 3 pairs of slip on tennis shoes just so she can leave the house without bending over to tie her shoes. It's lucky I even have the energy to log on and type.

I just want to express my sincerest, from-the-heart thanks to everyone who has spent any time here on this blog. Having this outlet has meant so much to me over the years. The fact that people read this and sometimes even enjoy it baffles me, flatters me and feeds my already over-inflated ego, making me unbearable to the people who have to deal with me in person. So thank you. I love you all. We should all get together and drink so much vodka that we are too embarassed to look each other in the eyes the next morning.

95 Tops

P.S. Yes that's my Christmas tree in the background of the pictures up there. You are fine.

P.P.S. Um...Lost premiere in 6 days.

P.P.P.S. I love that the "face of my blog" in these pictures has a picture of a clay elephant I made at age 33. That is so fitting.

Monday, January 25, 2010

Still making my parents proud

My friend Anita gave birth to a little girl this weekend. In comparison, this is what I accomplished this weekend:

My friend Paul's 11 year old son, Andy, made the clown face. Right after this, Andy told me I was a child at heart. Approximately one minute later he told me I was old.

Incidentally, when we went to visit Anita in the hospital, we had to get temporary badges made with our pictures on them. There was an old lady in front of us, and I was confused about what was going on. I accidentally got in her picture with her and held up the whole process. When it was my turn, I went up to get my badge done and the security guard called me "Group Picture". I kind of love that guy.

Friday, January 22, 2010

Lying Awake

Things to do when you have insomnia:

- Kakuro

- Depress yourself by reading about Haiti and daydream about having enough money to donate to them every single day.

- Watch "Romy and Michele's High School Reunion". Seriously remember this movie? My general thoughts on it are as follows: WTF? Lisa Kudrow is gorgeous in it, though.

- Send bitter thoughts out in to the universe because you're so damn tired, and you have so much to do tomorrow.

- Listen to your ipod. Try to remember when you put The Commodores on there. Immediately realize it was an awesome decision.

- Download ring tones

- Eat pickles

- Read a Better Homes and Garden from November

- Admit to the Internet that you have a subscription for Better Homes and Garden. For over 3 years.

- Finally respond to getting tagged by the wonderful Abigail forever ago:

Ten* Things I Should Like but Don’t (*and by ten I mean four):

1. Mylie Cyrus - I obviously love everything preteen. I mean this we know. But for some reason, Mylie just bothers the shit out of me. I freely admit "Party in the USA" is a catchy song. But Christ that girl annoys me. I don't know if it's her man voice, the fact that she's literally in my face every second of every day, that she sings like she has a cold or what, but I just can't stand her. Is something wrong with me?

2. Chicken pot pie - Chicken, carrots, peas, etc. All good, right? But put it in pie form, and I will throw it directly in your face. Well, not YOUR face. But you know, that guy's face. When I was a little kid, I watched my mom making chicken pot pie for dinner. The entire time, I begged her to make me something else. I mean every 5 minutes I was telling her that me eating that would result in disastrous consequences. It was like talking to a wall. Finally she served the meal. I looked at her with desperation and warning in my eyes, and I said in the most serious voice I could muster, "Mom, if you make me eat this, I will throw up." Her response was a motherly, "Eat your dinner, Sarah." So I did as I was told. Five minutes into the meal, I calmly got up, walked over to the sink and threw up. I never had to eat chicken pot pie again.

3. Pineapple Express - I should totally love this movie. I love the people in it. It looks like it should be hilarious. I rented it. And turned it off halfway through. A couple months later, I watched the second half. I literally didn't laugh once. Not once! It actually made me nervous that my sense of humor was broken. But then I watched Flight of the Conchords and literally howled with laughter so I don't think that's it. Someone please explain this to me.

4. Justin Timberlake - Whoa, whoa, whoa-easy, ladies. And my friend Paul. Let me explain. I like Justin Timberlake. He's talented in so many ways. I think he's a great entertainer. But he is not cute. I couldn't find him less attractive. I added him to this list of things I should like because I think I might be the only person on Earth who feels this way about him so I'm just assuming something is wrong with me.

Ugh. Somebody knock me out please.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

I didnt think it was physically possible, but this both sucks and blows

Okay I just need to get a couple things off my chest:

Fuck Jay Leno

Fuck NBC

Yeah. I dropped the f-bombs. I cannot put into words how unbelievably angry I am for what they did to Conan. 7 months? They only gave him 7 months? Jay Leno's ratings bit the big one when he took over "The Tonight Show", but they gave him a couple years to settle in and he is terrible! Literally terrible in every way. It saddens me that people I'm related to actually think he's entertaining. Also, I totally used to think he was a good guy. Unfunny and outdated, but a good guy. Now it turns out he's also a first rate jerk. For years I waited patiently for Conan to finally get his turn. And they gave him 7 months. Disgusting.

Please another station hire him!! I need him on my television!!

Conan, I pledged my eternal devotion to you back in the 90's when you first took over "Late Night". You're the most talented comedian on television today, and I love you and will follow you wherever you go! I mean you ended your press release with "I am truly sorry about my hair; it’s always been that way." You are amazing. I love you!

Okay sorry that had to be said. The rage has been building up inside of me. Oh by the way the title of my post is a quote by Bart Simpson, and it 100% applies to this situation.

My favorite conversations from when we went to visit my grandparents on Saturday:

1. Scene: The family is discussing the Tiger Woods saga mostly because my grandma hates Tiger Woods. Her glee at his predicament is palpable. And hilarious.

Family member: Well he's kind of disappeared. No one's really seen him since all these girls started coming out of the woodwork.
My near-90 year old grandpa: He's just busy lining up a new batch.

2. McDonald's bathroom. My mom has just come out of the stall and is washing her hands. The girl from the other stall who we don't know is also washing her hands. My mom is going to order our food while I go to the bathroom. The girl in the bathroom does not know that.

My mom, immediately after I go into the stall and sit down on the toilet: Sarah...number 2?
Me, quickly: No mustard or onions.
Me: Mom, don't yell out number 2 in the bathroom.
Mom and stranger girl immediately bust out into sidesplitting laughter, and stranger girl expresses relief that we were talking about food.

3. Scene: Sitting in my grandparents' living room discussing our various travel horror stories. We begin discussing how my Grandpa gets pulled aside and searched every single time he goes through the security line at the airport.

My mom: Well Dad gets searched every time he goes through security. Last time he got searched going there and back. Because he looks so dangerous.
My grandma: Yes. On the way home they made him take his clothes off. Remember that, dear? You had to go into a room.
My uncle: Yeah that's right-they strip searched you!
Me, in disbelief: WHAT! They strip searched you, Grandpa!?
My almost 90 year old grandpa: They just wanted to see my manly body.

I love my family.

Friday, January 08, 2010

How in the world is it 2010?

Well how's it hanging, y'all? Sorry I have been MIA this week, but it is like migraine city up in here. Every day around the same time, I am sidelined by massive pain. Therefore most of my evenings have been spent massaging my head while sitting in the dark and then going to bed by 9. Thus no bloggy time.

How were everyone's holidays? Mine were wonderful-as usual. I was showered with gifts including "Flight of the Conchords" season 2 which I began watching the other day and can I just say this: You need to drop everything and watch this show. I cannot believe how funny those guys are, and I am so heartbroken that this was the last season. Major, major sad face.

Also here are the names of two cookbooks my mom gave me: The "I Don't Know How to Cook" Book and Leaving Home Cookbook and Survival Guide. Yeah. I left home 11 years ago. Awesome.

Our trip to Florida was wonderful. The weather was great, and we got to go to a couple Disney parks, and we saw a little kid wearing a homemade Pringles yarmulke. The trip was relatively uneventful in the best possible way. We just relaxed and hung out and laughed a lot. It was awesome. Sadly the tan I got had disappeared by the time I deboarded the plane in Cleveland so I don't think anyone believes we were actually in Florida. Just wait till I show them the picture of the Pringles yarmulke. Obvious proof.

My favorite exchange from the whole trip:

Dad: "What was that drink called again? Spank your monkey?"
Mom: "It wasn't called that, disgusting person."

Our New Year's Eve was totally crazy. We went to dinner at my parents' friends' house then went back to our resort and played games. My parents went to bed right after midnight. Whoa-can you handle that? All I know is I kissed so many dudes. And by that I mean I drank at least 2 bottles of champagne by myself while in my pajamas.

My favorite story from the whole week doesn't even involve me. I wasn't there. My parents had different flights than us. On the way there, they had a layover in Atlanta. The layover was only 50 minutes long, and my mom was really worried they wouldn't make it to the other gate in time. She called the airline, and the lady said, "Oh no problem-we'll get a cart for you to take you to your gate in Atlanta. It will be faster than walking."

This solution satisfied my mom, and I was like, "Awesome-I always wonder how they decide who gets to ride on those golf carts. I'm jealous." When my parents landed in Atlanta they got off the plane, and when they walked off the plane to go to their cart, they found themselves face to face with 2 men...and 2 wheelchairs. Yes. Instead of a golf cart, the lady had sent them 2 wheelchairs.

My parents were immediately like, "Oh there's been a mistake. We clearly don't need wheelchairs. We just need a cart to get to our gate on time." But the gentlemen explained that, a) carts cannot be taken from one concourse to another and b) while they were sorry for the mix up, once a wheelchair has been assigned to you, you must be picked up and dropped off at your next destination. Apparently, they couldn't even call it in and say it wasn't necessary. It's their job, and they must complete it. Just like Frodo and the Ring. No matter what, he had to destroy it. Hobbit analogy. Nerd alert.

So my able-bodied parents were pushed through the entire Atlanta airport in wheelchairs, hanging their head in embarassment and giggling the entire time. My greatest regret is not being there to see that.

Tell me about your holidays. Don't leave out the parts about your grandma getting drunk on egg nog or your high school aged cousin text-fighting with her boyfriend all night.