Monday, April 26, 2010

Everyone should read this

Good Lord, April has been an abysmal month for Okay Seriously blogging, hasn't it? It's a testament to how busy I've been, how often I haven't felt well and, let's face it, how lazy I am. So I owe you, dear reader (I'm assuming there's only one left. Hi, Mom!). So here's a mash up of a bunch of crap.

My favorite songs right now:
"Out of the Blue" by Julian Casablancas, "Sunny Day" by Joy Williams and everything by The Maine. Listen to them. Smile. Dance in your car like no one's watching. Then look around and realize people are watching. Then feel kind of dumb. Then remember that you don't really care because at least you're not picking your nose like the dude behind you.

What I'm reading:
"The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society" by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows. I've gotten as far as the title. It's a really long title. Just kidding-I'm almost done with the book. It's absolutely lovely.

My latest injury:
I jammed my kneecap into a garbage can walking into the house today after work. I then broke the world record for the number of times someone can say "fuck" in 20 seconds.

And now some pictures.

These are cookies my mom, sister and I made as favors for our friend Renee's baby shower. The theme of the baby's room is Little All Star so, essentially, sports. Yeah. We made these. We are three of the most uncreative people to ever grace this earth, and we. made. these. m-effers. Listen I don't want to brag, but I do want to post this picture on the Internet to show how awesome we are. In all honesty, we made hundreds of cookies, and it was a lot of hard work, but Renee is totally worth it.

Since you've been such patient readers, here is a special treat for you.

Twenty years later, my residual anger at my mother for forcing this haircut reared its ugly head in my Maid of Honor toast at my sister's wedding. Feel my pain.

But perhaps the best picture of all is this:

This was sitting on the coffee table at my sister's house, and I said, "Oh is this from Grayson?" (Grayson is Diane and Drew's nephew). And Diane said, "No. It's for you."

Are we putting the pieces together yet, Internet?

I'M GOING TO BE AN AUNT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This news makes me so happy that I literally skip around my house when I think about it. My little sister is going to have a baby. That baby is going to be my niece or nephew. Holy shitzu.

Things I have started stocking up on:
- gum
- sage advice
- Velamints*

Obviously when they told me the news, I reacted calmly-as I do to most things. And by that I mean, I immediately started crying. And screaming. And hugging. Diane and Drew are going to be amazing parents. And my niece or nephew is going to be the greatest kid ever. And I will take him or her to Vegas on their 21st birthday. Most 21 year olds really want to go to Vegas with their 54 year old aunt, right?

More to come on this as the news comes in. So far all I know is that he or she is the size of a lime and is making my sister feel like shit. And I love him or her.

One more blast from the past.

I numbered some parts of this picture. Professionally.

1. That's an ashtray. Remember back in the 70's when everyone smoked in the house? You can't see the cigarette in my right hand.

2. I'm pretty sure my parents still have this lamp.

3. This car is awesome.

4. This was my little keyboard where pretty much every key played the same note.

5. This baby is having a baby.

6. This kid is still single. And is going to be a pretty good aunt as soon as she gets her swearing under control.

*My mom used to carry Velamints in her purse at all times. I looked it up. Apparently they still make them. This is amazing news. Can we bring back Chewels?

Friday, April 23, 2010

Update on me

Just a brief message to say hello and sorry I've been MIA. In addition to being busier than I've been in a long time, my head has apparently decided I shall never live pain free again. I make jokes about my migraines, but essentially my life has been kind of on hold the past couple weeks because of them. It's affecting all aspects-work, home, blogging. So I figure I have two options: beg my doctor for relief or saw my head off. I don't own a saw, so I went to my doctor this morning. He's gonna hook me up with some new meds. Basically he said, "This new drug will change how your brain works." Let's hope it doesn't take away the poop jokes.

I had time to watch one show tonight. I chose "Community". Great choice. Who watched it? This is why it's one of the best shows on television:

Jeff: "Why do you have a monkey?"
Troy: "'s an animal that looks like a dude. Why don't I have 10 of them?"

Good thing I was wearing my Depends because I think I peed my pants.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Segue to a Segway

I haven't watched "Lost" yet so the post will have to come tomorrow. Also I haven't watched "Glee" yet, but I'm so excited it's back I might just pee my pants. Also I haven't finished uploading my Florida pictures. I'm pretty useless all around. And I smell like urine.

But I have to tell you what we did on Sunday. We took a tour of Cleveland. On Segways. For real. Steph got sent an email advertising a discount for a company that does tours of the city but instead of a walking tour or a driving tour, it was a Segway tour. I have always wanted to ride a Segway because seriously how hilarious are those things. So Diane and I decided to go with her. Also Diane bought Drew a ticket without really telling him what we were doing. Marriage is awesome.

We got there, and our tour guide Karl was waiting outside for us. Well I should say, we pulled in to the parking lot and stopped because we didn't know where to go. Then as if he knew, Karl called us to see if we knew where we were going. When we told him we were just sitting in the driveway, he came outside and waved at us. I was immediately smitten.

Karl is a 75 year old retiree who used to be in the Air Force. He is, in a word, awesome. As soon as we got there we told him we were really excited to ride Segways, and he told us the story of why he decided to buy his first Segway. He was watching "Frasier" and Niles was riding one around and doing figure 8s. And Karl was freaking out because it was so cool. God I love Karl. More on him later.

Anyway, we took turns learning how to ride before our tour started. We made Steph go first, and he picked out the Segway that was set at the shortest height. I made a Steph is short joke. It was well received by Diane and Drew. It was not well received by Steph. Hey at least I didn't call you a leprechaun, Steph!

I can't explain how hard I was laughing watching Steph ride a Segway. I don't know why. Maybe it was because she was going so slow. Maybe it was because of the helmet. Or maybe it was because of the SEQUIN SHIRT AND SHORT SKIRT SHE WAS WEARING. What else would you wear to ride a Segway at noon on a Sunday? Leggings, a skirt and a sequin top, right? She said she wanted to look nice for her first Segway tour. I…I don't even know what to add to that.

It was my turn to learn the Segway next. I put on my helmet, suppressed some highly inappropriate jokes about people who have to wear helmets and put one foot on the Segway. Immediately it started flashing red and making lots of beeping and stuttering noises. I was like, "Oh my God, Karl, I broke your Segway." Then I was like, "Why doesn't this Segway call me fat more." Luckily I didn't actually break the Segway cuz seriously I don't think I could've taken that ego hit. I got back on and Karl held on to it while I got my balance. Then like a dad who's teaching his kid how to walk, he went a few feet in front of me, held out his arms and said, "Come to Karl." It. Was. Amazing.

I got the hang of it pretty quick, and if you haven't ridden one before, I'll just tell you: they are awesome. After 1 minute on it, I wanted to buy one. I would totally ride it around my neighborhood to get the mail and then fall off of it when I saw a car 2 miles in the distance.

Once we all learned how to go forward, backward, turn and stop, we had to go outside to learn the next lesson: going downhill. Everyone did great. And by everyone I mean everyone except me. Karl made me do it twice-everyone else only had to do it once. It was a hill approximately 4 feet long. The first time I went down it so fast and out of control, I literally almost killed Karl. What if I killed someone with a Segway? I almost died-for real-by getting hit by a pack of bicycles once. I feel like the Segway death might be even more embarrassing. After I tried going downhill again-much better-the second time, he told me he was proud of me. My heart swelled.

We then began our tour of the city at 5mph. For the first 15 minutes, I just kept saying, "Are we really doing this right now? Is this really happening?" Karl told us he loves the Segway because he gets a lot of looks from the ladies. Well, we definitely got a lot of looks. They were not so much of envy as much as confusion and/or mocking. One lady who was my mom's age said, "That looks like fun!" She is obviously a professional mom-trying to make us feel cool when we are clearly not cool.

"That looks like fun!" - Professional Mom pretending to be my mom

At one point we saw 2 guys jogging. I yelled out, "That looks a lot harder than this!" They laughed and waved (i.e., politely put up with me.) Then Diane and Steph told me to stop yelling out to strangers.

I have been on many tours of Cleveland in my lifetime. Not to mention the fact that I have lived here for 33 years and worked downtown for 11. So I didn't know how much I would really get out of the tour itself. Well, it was fantastic. Mostly because Karl is fantastic. I honestly can't say enough good things about him. He is so interesting and intelligent and friendly and abso-freaking-lutely hilarious. He knows so many things. Not just about Cleveland. About everything. Fifteen minutes into the tour, we were all totally in love with Karl. Clevelanders, if you can, go on this tour. It's so fun!

My favorite part is when we would have to cross the street, and Karl would tell us to line up in single file then he would go first and hold a hand up to any cars coming our way. He stopped traffic for us.

I am happy to say, there are no injuries to report from this excursion. I know-I'm as surprised as you. I did almost run into a garbage can. And Steph. But luckily no harm was done.

When it was over, we didn't want it to be over. We wanted to take Karl with us. But that would be selfish. Also I'm pretty sure he has a life outside of us. The question is: how can we become a part of that life? I think Steph might already be working on this. And no-I am not kidding.

So what'd you guys do this weekend? Walk places on foot? Lame.

Thursday, April 08, 2010

Oh how I missed you, Desmond

A few things before we talk about "Lost".

1. Yesterday we went to happy hour at Stone Mad, and I had one of the best drinks I've ever had in my life which was Blueberry Stoli vodka and fresh squeezed lemonade. I told everyone that one night on a weekend, I want to go back and see how many I can drink in an hour. Cuz I bet it's a lot. New summer drink!

2. Steph was not sober after our happy hour, and she got into my new car to look at it, and I opened the sunroof to show it to her, and she goes, "Aw shit-I'm on a boat! Do you know that song?" then she immediately got out of the car. Also she ordered ham at the bar, and they didn't have ham.

3. I just found out that my dad's ringtone for when my mom calls him is "The Bitch is Back".

Now. Lost. Um...what??? As usual, my thoughts as they occur:

I'm so happy to see Desmond again. Is it bad that I don't remember Ben shooting him? Wait was it at the docks or something? Holy eff Desmond just freaked the eff out on Whidmore. That was hot.

Jin is hot. He's going to be on the new "Hawaii 5-0" remake. The other guy who's going to be on it is also totally hot. Also Spike from "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" is going to be on it. So even though it will probably be a horrible show, I feel it's my duty as a television and hot guy lover to tune in.

Dude Chip is totally in charge of this test, and he is none too pleased his time table has been messed with.

Oh God what happened to that guy. Ew is he on fire? For a minute I thought it was going to be like Die Hard 2 where that guy gets sucked into the jet engine, and I was like, "No need to show that, Lost."

Oh man. That guy is toasty. If Whidmore kills Desmond, I will kill him. Which definitely makes a lot of sense since he is a real person.

Okay What. Just. Happened. Did Desmond get sent into the ether?

OMG what if you were at the airport and hot Desmond helped you with your luggage? He is dreamy. How come I never meet dreamy helpful foreign men in the airport?

Okay, quit being a creepo, guy from Short Circuit.

Mah! Whidmore and Desmond are friends! Desmond works for Whidmore! Up is down! Left is right!

I think if I ever went to jail, I also would make an immediate b-line to the bar upon my release.

Charlie is waxing poetic about love. Is he talking about Claire? I'm sure Desmond is like, "No now I totally believe in love since you saw it in a dream you had in the last seconds of your quickly fading life."

Driveshaft's music is surprisingly tame for all the drug and rock 'n' roll drama behind the scenes. It sounds like it should be on Soft Rock 102.1.

HOLY EFF, CHARLIE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING!? Car in the water! Oh. My. God. I just pooped my pants. Desmond is remembering the island reality!! Remember "Not Penny's Boat"? God that was the best season finale ever.

Sidenote: "Happy Town" looks hilarious. Seriously what? What is up with that show? Every ad I've seen for it is totally terrifying.

Oh God Desmond has to push a button in every reality. Hey I've never had an MRI, but they look fucking horrible. Ooh-okay proof that no one looks good with a fish eye lens. Oh man Desmond remembers Penny. Desmond, she's on Thursday nights on "Flash Forward" if you're trying to find her!

So apparently Whidmore's wife is scary. It's gotta be Eloise, yes? Yes. She really is scary. OMG of course Eloise is aware of all fates that take place in all timelines. She is all knowing in every reality.

Faraday! Nice hat, Debbie Gibson.

Oh yay Faraday still has his trusty notebook. Holy Christ I seriously love Faraday. He knows everything. He totally figured out that the alternate reality they're in is an alternate reality. Amazing.

Penny's real, Desmond! She's not an idea! You love her! YES-Desmond and Penny reunion! Now when can I get a Jin-Sun reunion?

I'm glad Desmond understands what's going on. Because I don't.

Good Lord Sayid is stealth. You don't even hear him coming until he's breaking your neck.

What is happening? Is Desmond just switching back and forth between the two realities? Alterna-Desmond's about to lay some truth on our Alterna-Losties. It's gonna be epic. I think. To be honest I'm not quite sure. I'm not sure what the end goal is-to get everyone back on their "correct" path?

Okay please discuss in the comments as my brain isn’t processing fast enough for me. I need theories, people!

Tuesday, April 06, 2010

My tan is already fading

I'm back! Florida was fantastic. I'm still putting together my slide show post for you. I know you can't wait.

I was just watching the latest episode of "Parenthood" and got about 10 minutes in until a scene where a 34 year old goes to a fertility doctor, and he says that female fertility declines massively between the ages of 34 and 37. I won't go into the gory details of the horribly depressing emotional tailspin this remark sent me into, but suffice it to say I stopped the show immediately, am considering ceasing to watch this show at all anymore and will now be going to bed to cry myself to sleep. Sorry-I hate to take it to a sad place, but sometimes even old Okay Seriously has her down moments.

Okay I need some cheering up. How about some hilarious conversations I've had with my hilarious friends lately? The first one was in person. The rest were over cell phone text messages.

Keith: "Sarah, is that a new shirt?"
Me: "Yes. It's a little bolder than I usually go for, but I like it."
Keith: "Well, yeah, it's bold, but my question is where's the cleavage? The ladies like to come out to happy hour, too. All I'm saying is, it's not your best shirt."

Scott: Sends me a picture of his son Drew with the text "Drew says hi!"
Me: Sends Scott a picture of my brother in law Drew with the text "Drew says hi!"
Scott: "OMG! He's getting so big. Its been so long since I saw him. What is he now...360 months? They grow up so fast. Cherish these years."

John: "Did you get a chance to see d's?"
Me: "What"
John: "deez nuts"
Me: "Dammit. i knew it
John: "ahhhh haaaaa"

Me: "Just got hit on by the hot dog vendor"
John: "you give him your info?"
Me: "By info do u mean order? cuz yes"
John: "footlong tubesteak smothered in underwear?

That last one was today as I was walking to my parking garage. I snorted. Really loud. Speaking of parking garage...




That is my new baby. Sorry about the bush in the front. Ahahahaha. Dammit, you guys, grow up. I picked her up last Friday 3/26. Then I immediately left for Florida the next morning. But I am back now and driving her around, and she is AMAZING! I am seriously obsessed with her. She has XM radio. How have I lived without satellite radio for this long? I was pretty sure when I got this car, it would be a boy. I knew as soon as I saw her, though, that she is a girl. Yes I am one of those people who assigns a gender to their car. And also names it. Does this surprise you at all? My blogiversary posts are about my blog actually being alive. In the last one it was pointing a gun at me. I'm insane.

Well I couldn't decide on a name. Then I had to run up to Target for some last minute stuff for my trip (and it was an excuse to drive the new car), and I said, "Okay, baby, we need a name for you. What are you thinking?" Then I turned her on and was immediately surrounded by the sounds of the chorus from "Toy Soldiers" by Martika. And so Martika it is-Tika for short. You guys can't judge me. She picked it herself.

Seriously, though, my car is freaking awesome. And I swear I'm not as weird as I sound*.