Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Happy Holidays!

I would like to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas! I hope it's the best one yet. Remember to tell the people you love that you love them. And be nice-even when the ahole in front of you is driving so slow it's actually making you late to your parents' house gdammit. Even then be nice. I wish I could hug each and every one of you.

And for those that don't celebrate: Happy Thursday! I want to hug you, too.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

There's no place like drunk for the holidays

Here's a recap on some of my holiday season so far:

Christmas party at Brian and Anita's - This was awesome because they got a keg of Christmas Ale. I don't know how widely distributed Great Lakes Christmas Ale is, but here in Cleveland it's a big deal. It's only around in the winter time, and the day it finally becomes available is like its own holiday. I am not a beer drinker, as you guys know, but I loooove Christmas Ale season and here's why: I LOVE my friends on Christmas Ale. They are all completely wasted after like two of them. And not a normal drunk, but a hilarious, out of control drunk. And it. is. awesome. See I am usually the biggest jackass at the party. Almost always. But when Christmas Ale is flowing, everyone else becomes the jackasses, and I am the tame one. Unless I drink John Christ's Special Blend wine which is like my personal Christmas Ale. Which I did at Brian and Anita's party after basically drinking a bottle and a half of champagne. Needless to say, the party was awesome. At the end of the night, Renee, Darren, Anita, Diane, Drew and me ended up standing around the bar in the basement screaming Christmas carols at the top of our lungs. Then for a good 45 minutes, Renee and I sang the entire South Park Christmas album word for word while everyone had to watch us. At about 2am we realized the actual hosts of the party had gone upstairs to bed. So naturally we hung around for another half hour. We are pretty annoying party guests. Item of note: There was a Christmas movie trivia quiz, and I am the only one who got all of them right. Obviously because I am awesome. Some quick background, though: last year at AJ and Suz's Halloween party, I won the Halloween movie trivia. This year, I won it again. So when they announced me as the winner at this Christmas party, people actually booed me. My friends booed me at a Christmas party! I think I might have actually felt bad if I wasn't so effing awesome at movie trivia. Eat it, suckers!

Christmas party at Steph's - Steph's party had a theme, of course, because Steph doesn't just have a regular party. There were three unique things about this one:

1. We had to bring canned or boxed goods as our entry fee. Then she took all of the food collected to the Cleveland Food Bank. I've said it before, and I will say it again: drinking + charitable cause = greatest thing ever because normally you feel bad about yourself for being a pathetic drunk but in this case you only did it to help people. No one can judge you for that-for helping starving kids to get a healthly meal. It's a win-win!

2. We were all to wear a cheesy/ugly Christmas shirt/sweater. I wore this horrible kind-of-a-mock-turtleneck shirt absolutely covered in snowmen that I got for $7. I seriously looked like a soccer mom. Aloyd was wearing one of Sharda's old shirts (awesome) that had a huge Goofy x-mas picture on it. He definitely looked like a soccer dad. In fact I went and sat down next to him and said, "I feel like maybe you and me could get a minivan together." Then he was like, "We could totally put a soccer ball sticker above the gas tank. And on Friday nights we could stay in and watch "Cold Case"." Matt had on a green 3-piece leisure suit. Green 3-piece leisure suit! Awesome! Matt and Aloyd won the Christmas outfit contest and rightly so. Their prizes were crap Steph and Matt picked out at a flea market that probably cost them $1.26 total.

3. Steph turned her place into a "winery". We all had to bring two bottles of some kind of wine-$10 or less. The we had a wine tasting contest. She wrapped all the bottles in foil so we couldn't see what they were, and she numbered them. Then we had to vote for best red and best white. So you know how wine tastings are quiet and reserved and you taste roughly 5-7 wines over the period of about an hour? Yeah this was the exact opposite. I'm going to try and set the scene for you, but just know that nothing I write will ever come close to capturing the chaotic, glorious mess that this whole ordeal was. Everyone had one of those big dixie cups which was our tasting cup. We all stood in a circle in Steph's small dining room. There were probably 15-18 of us. It was roughly 300 degrees in her apartment. In about 30 minutes, we tried 14 reds and 3 whites. THIRTY MINUTES!! And everyone just kept shoving their dixie cup at Steph and screaming out numbers, "8! I need to try 8 again!" or "What number are we on? I think I just finished 11!!" "Was that 5 or 6? I'm scared!" It was so loud and so hot and we drank soooo fast. By the time we got to the 8th red, I think most of us were drunk and things just got even more chaotic. Randy was yelling things like, "8 tastes like 6 minus 2 plus 1!!" Jace, Christy and Danielle were by Steph's radiator, and all they could talk about was how hot it was. Danielle kept raising her arms to show the entire party her pit stains. I think at that point, I literally couldn't breathe I was laughing so hard. Who does that!? Shows people her pit stains over and over while saying, "Check this out!" I seriously love my friends. Not surprisingly a dance party broke out a little while later. By the way, Steph's dog Kennedy (of course that's his name) was a) wearing a silk dress and b) sleeping through the entire party.

Other highlights: When Diane was looking for a bowl in which to heat up the dip she brought with her, she noticed Steph doesn't have any bowls. None. Because she sold them all at a garage sale and never replaced them. Diane was like, "Oh Steph-you're so urban." No, Diane, that is not urban. That is weird. And one other thing I absolutely must share: Steph had a note on her door inviting her neighbors to donate food or join the party. Two of them showed up. One of them was a lawyer, and he and Kevin were looking at each other like they sort of recognized one another. Then this conversation happened:

Kevin: "Are you a lawyer?"
Lawyer Guy: "Yes. A defense attorney."
Kevin: "Oh that's why you look familiar. I'm a county prosecutor."
LG: "Oh! I thought you were this one convicted felon that just got paroled."

Kevin totally got mistaken for a convicted felon. Effing-A awesome.

Girls' Christmas - This, of course, was awesome. It's one of my favorite Christmas traditions. Seventeen girls drinking wine, eating lots of food and oohing and ahhing over presents. Fantastic! Nothing out of the ordinary happened this year that I can think of. Oh unless you count that STEPH'S SECRET SANTA PRESENT WAS A GOAT. Yes. Steph's "present" that she bought for the gift exchange was a goat from the Heifer International Project. The goat is donated to a family in desperate need. They drink their milk, used the extra to make dairy goods that can be sold and use the goat's doodies to fertilize their gardens. It's truly a wonderful thing to do and will make a real difference in the lives of these people. But also, um, what the fuck!? She supplemented the gift with other things so Jen, who got the present, wouldn't go home totally emptyhanded. She also wrote poems for every present that Jen read aloud as she opened them. Oh and she wrapped it all in tin foil and stuck a bunch of Valentine's Day heart stickers all over it. Steph, you are truly one of a kind. Awesome sidenote: after Steph bought the present she told Christy that she hoped whoever got it wouldn't be mad, and Christy, not knowing what Steph bought I swear to God, said, "Steph, if you bought a llama we're all gonna be really pissed."

God I love Christmas.

I wish I could punch someone right now

Um...I just spent an hour and a half on a post about our trip to Miami in October and then lost the whole. effing. thing. It is kind of par for the course tonight as I am having a tough night. I won't go into details mostly because they would bore you and also because writing about it gives it power it shouldn't have. Sorry to be cryptic.

Unfortunately, I need to sleep now so I will write more tomorrow. I'll fit it in between all the work I'm doing. And by work I mean reading "Marley & Me" at my desk.

In the meantime, these people should be shot.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

I could really use some Kenny Rogers "Through the Years" right now

I mentioned that my friend Scott-who used to blog-is leaving our company. Today is our last day together. I am not handling it well.

Let me give you some background on me and Scott. I've been with the same company since I graduated college in 2004. Okay dammit 1999. Geez I can't get anything past you guys. Anyway, at the very beginning of 2000, I moved to a new department on a new floor in our building. Every day I would see the same group of guys walk by my cube-like a little nerd gang. I thought they were all going to the bathroom together and was naturally scared of them even though they seemed really nice.

Shortly after I joined my group, it just completely started falling apart. I literally had nothing to do. Not "I did nothing". I had NOTHING TO DO. I always thought that would be a perfect scenario: get paid for doing nothing. Guys, it's pretty effing boring, and I was miserable.

This is how I solved it: I found where the bathroom guys sat (down the hall from me), walked in to their "pod" (group of cubes all together) one day, sat down and said, "Hi. I'm Sarah. Can I hang out?" And that became my daily routine. So I mean not only was I completely unproductive, I sucked the productivity from their team. Hey-it's what I do. I'm really good at it. Actually they should pay me to lower the productivity of others. Oh wait-they already do.

Anyway, Scott and I became friends very fast because we had a lot in common. Oh and he's completely fucking awesome in every way. Sweet, kind, HILARIOUS, brilliant, caring, sarcastic, does the best impression of a fax machine ever-I really could go on and on. He and his wife both embraced me as a dear friend so quickly, I really couldn't believe my luck to have found them.

It's 8 years later, and we've been through so much together-the birth of his 3 boys, stupid boyfriends (that's strictly me), family sicknesses, etc. And while our friendship is well beyond just a work relationship, having him at work every day has been a comfort I can't describe.

Because of Scott, I was also introduced to more people who've enriched my life: Johnny Virgil, Dan, Special Dark, Wayne, Erik. More proof of my theory that you can never have too many friends and loved ones. Unless you win the lottery, and they all want money from you.

I haven't mentioned John yet. John joined Scott's group in 2001. We were friends within, maybe, a week. Tops. Scott and John were friends by the end of John's interview. The two of them will hate me for saying this, but I don't care. They have the cutest little bromance. They are two peas in a pod, and I am their work wife (I'm totally a whore of a work wife having two work husbands).

I'm always mentioning how lucky I am. This is more proof. For 8 years, I got to work with two of my very best friends. That just doesn't happen. I always knew someday it would end, but 8 years is a long time, and while I'm obviously devastated one of us is leaving, I cannot help but be anything but grateful. I had a hug, a shoulder to cry on, a guaranteed laugh every day. At work!

Okay I'm getting emotional so I'm just going to copy the letter I wrote to Scott here because if I don't I'll just keep babbling on and on.

"Dear Scott,

Okay first of all about the typing of this letter rather than hand writing it: A) I think better when I type and B) it won't run when I sob all over my keyboard. Also I would just like to say that my outward appearance the past couple weeks would suggest that I’m not happy for you and your new opportunity. I hope you know that is not true. I’m so happy for you and proud of you, and I know you will do amazing things at your new job. It’s just that I’m so very unhappy for me. And we both know this is all about me.

Seriously, though, I don’t even know where to start. You used to just be one of the guys who would walk past my desk in some sort of group ritual bathroom excursion which I later found out was really just a journey for water (thank God), and now 8 years later the thought of not getting to see you everyday makes my heart hurt almost as bad as passing a gall stone. Ouch.

It’s so rare to find people that capture your heart within minutes of meeting them, and you are one of those people for me. Not only that but you came with a wife and, later, children who did the same thing. The way you guys have embraced me as a part of your extended family is something for which I’m eternally grateful. I hope you know I feel the same way about you.

I’m struggling with how to adequately tell you just how important it’s been to me to have you here at work everyday. Nobody gets that lucky to get to work with one of their very best friends. And I got to do it for 8 years. Having you and John here has been a dream come true, and I am not exaggerating when I say that you are literally one of the main reasons I even come to work every day.

At the risk of making you feel guilty for breaking up the band, you should know that there will be a void here without you that can’t be filled by anyone else-even people that look like you (Dan)-because you are one of a kind-in the best possible way. Everyone who knows you would agree. And everyone at your new company-that-shall-remain-nameless will see it, too. It will take them roughly 15 seconds. You’ll quickly become one of the most beloved people there because it’s who you are. Stupid lucky new company.

The one thing that comforts me right now is knowing that we are so much more than just work friends, and you dropping out of my work life doesn’t equal you dropping out of my whole life. You mean so much to me. I love you, Scotty. Good luck at your new stupid job.


Love always,

Scotty, I love you. Good luck at your new job. You'll be awesome and also please don't leave. K thanks.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Taking care of "business"

Okay I am working on a post about my weekend, but I have to interrupt myself and give you this breaking update:

I am on a conference call right now. Someone on here forgot to mute, and we heard the toilet flush. Awesome, right? That is straight up Naked Gun gold. However, less than a minute later we heard someone peeing and the toilet flush again. There is only one logical explanation for this:

Someone on this call is in a bathroom, sitting in a stall, taking a dump.

Best. Day. Ever.

Friday, December 12, 2008

I wear my snow boots pretty much 24/7

I think my horoscope for today is telling me to take off a week of work to devote to blogging:

"You are likely aware of your writing abilities, Sarah, but you may not realize just how talented you are. It would be worthwhile for you to consider devoting more time to honing your craft. You can't expect to improve much when your writing time is scattered in between other obligations. You need large blocks of uninterrupted time in order to really produce something of value. Why not give it a try, even if just for a week or so, to see what you are capable of."

I am totally on board with this idea, horoscope! Can you tell my boss for me?

Here are some updates for y'all:

- I got a new laptop at work which is awesomely fast and doesn't make me want to break into a homicidal rage because it takes 12 minutes to open a freaking email. I love you, new work laptop, even though it takes me-literally-10 minutes to get you locked into your docking station!

- I got a new home laptop. And it is beautiful and amazing and makes me want to be a better man. I am literally obsessed with it, you guys. And honestly it will make blogging a whole hell of a lot easier-I just have to be home to do it, and I have not been home very much recently. One more reason to listen to my horoscope.

- One of my best friends in the entire world who happens to work with me, Scott, is leaving to go to another company. I can't really talk about this right now because I am too emotional. He is one of the main reasons I even get up and go to work, and I am not even exaggerating. I will dedicate an entire post to this next week since his last day is next Friday.

- Jace made dinner for my sister and me. Pot roast, fancy mashed potatoes, noodles, broccoli with bacon, salad, wine and beer. Hello best dinner invite ever! It was just a Wednesday night, and I was like, "I'll pick us up some takeout." and he goes, "Why don't you come over? I have a pot roast." And I was like, "Grandma?" This dinner was awesome for several reasons: 1 - I love Jace an inordinate amount, 2 - See aforementioned list of prepared food, 3 - Diane and Jace totally got kind of drunk. I don't know what happened, but at one point Jace got out his Dyson vaccuum cleaner and demonstrated it's amazing cleaning power. Par-tay!! We are out of control here in Cleveland!

- I wrapped Woody's Christmas presents for him. Seriously. The kid hates wrapping presents so I volunteered since wrapping Christmas presents makes me so happy it's embarassing. Interesting sidenote: he needed me to bring my own scissors. What? He doesn't have scissors? What's that about, Woody?

- I turned 29+3. Whatever. I'm completely nonchalant and uncaring about the whole thing. Hold me.

- My friends and family, as usual, were amazing to me on my birthday-buying me presents, giving me cards, going out in crappy weather just to celebrate with me. I know I say this all the time, but I will never stop: I am the luckiest person on the planet because of the people I have in my life. They are as awesome as it gets. Oh and an awesome sidenote: John's kids made me homemade bday cards and made a video singing me "Happy Birthday" which John played for me on Monday. OHMYGOD. It was the cutest thing ever. I almost cried. Do you see what I am dealing with here? Amazing people everywhere I turn!

- I saw previews for "Lost" and peed my pants.

Here are my plans for the next couple weeks:

Be merry.
Catch up on Gossip Girl because I am 14 years old.
Blog...probably while drinking.

Friday, December 05, 2008

Still thankful

I forgot to post about things I am thankful for this year, and since tomorrow I turn 29+3 and am thisclose to a semi-meltdown about it, I think today would be a good day to remind myself what I'm thankful for.

1. Family, friends, readers, Henry (the dog), S&V Pringles, Cherry Coke, pumpkin bread-you know, the usual.

2. I still have a job.

3. My new Christmas tree (it is so pretty, you guys)

4. My new laptop which I am setting up tonight and which is going to be awesome because now I can do iTunes from my recliner and I will be able to blog more often because I can do it in front of the TV (how I do most other things).

5. Friday Night Lights. January 16th.

6. Twilight

7. Dan who is 26 and who keeps telling me that I am really young. Also he has a beard and promised he wouldn't shave it before my birthday. What is it with my guy friends, my birthday and their facial hair?

8. Grilled cheese restaurants

9. Christmas parties

10. Woody for leaving this voicemail on my phone Wednesday: "Hey, Sarah. It's Woody. So listen I know you hurt yourself a lot. Do you have any crutches? I hurt my ankle at basketball and figured you had some since you're always hurt. Call me back." Awesome.

11. Chocolate milk

12. Scott for buying me this book for my birthday and leaving it on my desk to surprise me today. I found it in Borders after lunch one day, and we were absolutely losing our minds. Seriously it is effing hilarious. They're just really cute pictures of baby animals with horrible confessions on them. Example:

Picture: Three little kittens in a box together.
Saying: The donor backed out.

Holy crap. I can't believe Scott remembered this and got it for me! He is the best. Also a couple years ago our information security department handed out these stamps that we're supposed to use to classify our printed materials as Internal, Confidential, etc. You know-the stupid corporate crap that anyone who works in a big company understands. Well Scott wrapped the book and marked it Highly Confidential. Awe-some. When I brought it up, he goes, "That is the first (and only) time I have ever used that stamp." I love my friends.

13. No cavities!

14. My "Office" calendar that John gave me for my birthday last year which right now has a picture of Meredith and this quote: "For my New Year's resolution, I gave up drinking...during the week."

15. I'm totally wearing slippers at my desk. Shh.

There are a million bajillion other things I am thankful for, but right now I need to go get some pop because I just drank all my chocolate milk like a good kindergartner. 29+3, you guys. Ugh. Vodka. Need it.

Wednesday, December 03, 2008

Thanksgiving is over but pumpkin bread lives on

How I helped with Thanksgiving dinner:

1. Relish tray
2. Stirred gravy
3. Put out bread plates
4. Yelled at Diane for not mashing the potatoes enough

You may be wondering, "But, Sarah, who filled the water glasses? That seems like such a natural fit for you." And it is, believe me. But this year my cousin's 23 year old daughter was with us. Obviously she was put on water glass duty. At dinner-the first time in Thanksgiving history that she was at the adult table, by the way-any time someone would ask, "Who made this?", she would quickly say, "I did!" because a) she wanted to take credit for more than just ice water and b) she is hilarious like most members of my family are. I was like, "Meaghan, don't worry-someday you will work your way up to relish tray. But I mean it won't be until you're almost 32."

As usual my Thanksgiving was wonderful because I got to spend time with my family, listen to Christmas music, stuff my face with good food and watch Risk Astley sing in the Macy's parade!!!!!! Seriously did you guys see that? I almost pooped my pants. If you didn't, it was on a Cartoon Network float for a show called "Foster's Home" or something. And all the characters started singing a song about "Have you met my best friend?" and then the music stopped suddenly and out came Rick Astley singing "Never Gonna Give You Up". Rick totally rickrolled us! It was maybe the single greatest thing I have ever witnessed. Look for it on YouTube. It is awesome. I can't link to it because I'm at work and work doesn't let me get to any sites that are fun and/or feature Rick Astley.

Friday we did our family shopping day (yes we do that). I know, I know-why did you pick Black Friday? Well, Drew really wanted to go this year and that is the only day he could go. I haven't been out shopping on Black Friday in like 15 years, and I just want to say holy effing crap. What is wrong with people? It was seriously insane, and none of us actually bought any presents for anyone except for me because obviously I am the least selfish person in my family. Even though everything else I bought was totally just for me. Then we went to dinner and saw "Four Christmases" which was pretty cute. One question: why is Vince Vaughn so awesome?

Saturday everyone went out and by everyone I mean everyone except me and Sharda because I was sick with some weird stomach virus and Sharda threw out her back standing up off her couch. Don't feel bad, Sharda-in college I threw out my back shaving my legs in the shower.

A couple items to note:

- It's cheesy Christmas movie time again. Who watched "Moonlight and Mistletoe" with Candance Cameron? Come on, you guys-I know some of you did. God I love cheesy made for TV Christmas movies.

- Last night Steph, Meg and I ate at Melt Bar and Grille which is a grilled cheese restaurant (awesome). Steph and I ordered the sandwich of the month which was just a regular grilled cheese sandwich with a patty of breadcrumb covered macaroni and cheese inside of it. Macaroni and cheese inside a grilled cheese! Doesn't it seem like that breaks all kinds of laws of the universe and such? I'm surprised we didn't cause the universe to collapse on itself.

- "Friday Night Lights" starts on NBC on January 16th so those of you have still have to catch up, do it now. I will never stop trying to get you all to watch it so you might as well just do it. Best show on television.

- Also "Chuck" is really awesome. Start watching that, too.

- How was your Thanksgiving?

Tuesday, November 25, 2008

I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore

There are some things we need to talk about:

- I'm not going to tell you how many times I saw "Twilight" this weekend. Suffice it to say, I may have single-handedly assured that the sequel would be made into a movie. For those curious, I loved it. Is it Oscar-worthy? Of course not. Is it the greatest movie to be put to film? No way. But it is lovely for what it is-a teenage love story about 2 kids, one of whom happens to be a vampire. It hits the right note with its intended audience (tweens and 30 year olds who are eternally 13 on the inside). Also I don't know what Rob Pattinson's deal is, but for someone who really isn't that cute, he sure does give me the tingle. Jesus. He can stare at me like I'm his next meal anytime he wants. I was wrong about him when I first heard he was cast. He is the perfect Edward.

- I am so depressed about "Pushing Daisies" being cancelled that I don't even know what to do. Why? Why is this happening to me? Seriously, ABC-you keep "Wife Swap" but get rid of one of the most imaginative and entertaining shows on television? You should be ashamed. While we're at it: please tell Shonda Rimes (head writer on "Grey's Anatomy") that she has completely lost her mind. She is off her rocker, and I am very close to leaving the show for good. The Izzie-Denny storyline simply must go. It is even worse than the original Izzie-Denny storyline which was AWFUL. That is all I'm going to say about that because I literally will not be able to stop bitching. Shonda, you're horrible. Time for someone else to take over. The only good thing you've done this season besides made Alex more awesome is bring on Owen Hunt, the military doctor guy. That man is rugged. Rugged complicated tortured awesome hotness.

- Seriously "Pushing Daisies"! I'm so sad! Lee Pace better be on television again and soon.

- You might remember that last year when my sister and I offered to help out at Thanksgiving, my mom asked us to make the relish tray rather than letting us cook something. Relish tray as in pickles and olives. Well guess who just got upgraded to dessert! That's right: my sister. I'm still on relish tray duty. WTF! When I confronted my mother she said, "I just know how much you love the relish tray, and I knew you would do a good job." Hmm...that sounds suspiciously like the way you would explain your decision to a 5 year old. Then she said, "What I really need is for you to come over early and help me." Let me tell you guys how that will go:

Me: Hey, Mom! What can I do?
Mom: Can you stir this gravy?

I stir gravy for 20 minutes.

Me: Okay, now what? Need me to make the stuffing or potatoes?
Mom: Can you set the table?

I set the table.

Me: Okay want me to check on the turkey? Baste it or whatnot?
Mom: Can you get everyone a glass of water?

Are you guys seeing a pattern here? I am really not allowed anywhere near the food or kitchen. Someday this will change. I will do something important. It will be awesome and awe-inspiring and will most likely end in a trip to the hospital.

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

The world will come crashing

I'm pretty sure I received death threats from Sharda this weekend for being such a bad blogger. But seriously, you guys, I have not been home. Plus since the weather is changing here, my head has been just one big ball of searing pain. Migraines are awesome!

I have to tell you about Virginia Beach still (3 months later), our trip to Miami U and our Halloween party, but I need pictures for all of them and don't have them here. So instead I'm going to tell you about what we did last Monday. Last Monday we went to see Jack's Mannequin at The Grog Shop. I have never been to see a concert at The Grog Shop, but it is roughly the size of my living room and the stage is about 1 foot higher than the rest of the place. What this means is, it is both simultaneously awesome and horrible at the same time. Because while you definitely get the feel of a more intimate show, unless you are in the first 6 rows, you can't see shit. So I guess overall, I'll say it kind of sucked-the venue I mean. Now, had I been in the front row, I'd probably be saying it was the greatest place to see a concert in the entire continental US.

I've made no secret of my intense love of Andrew McMahon and every thing he does. He is, simply put, a genius. We went to see him a couple years ago and Johnny Virgil has also spoken about him. In September, JM released their new album "Glass Passenger" which after one listen you're like, "This is pretty good. Not the greatest album ever released." Then after a couple more listens you're like, "Holy eff this is phenomenal!"

The Grog Shop, I think, mostly caters to punk bands so it explains why I haven't been there before. When we walked in we were surprised at how small it was. We were also surprised at the mutilated baby dolls hanging from the ceiling. Seriously they were everywhere. One had a snake wrapped around it with fake blood everywhere, one had legs in its eye sockets and a rat coming out of it's stomach, one had a skeleton body, one had it's arm cut off and was being burned over a fake open flame, one was gagged and bound and hanging from a noose and so on and so on. We tried to convince ourselves that they were just leftover Halloween decorations or possibly an art installation by a local artist because honestly we don't want to think about what the implications are if that's just their normal decor.

We arrived about mid-way through the first opening act's set. There were 2 opening acts. We had heard of neither of them. The first one was called Treaty of Paris, and they were roughly 14 and pretty good. They needed haircuts, though. I'm aware that makes me sound like a parent. I am okay with that. The second opener was a band called Fun. They started singing, and they had a very different sound. I instantly liked it. After a minute or so, I turned to Drew and said, "This guy sounds like the lead singer of The Format." Everyone agreed. After another minute or so, I said, "Okay seriously this guy sounds EXACTLY like the guy from The Format." Out came my Blackberry and after a quick search, I found this. If you don't want to go read it, here is the first line: "Fun is an indie pop band based in New York, New York that was formed by Nate Ruess, formerly of The Format." What. Is. Up. I am awesome.

As a result of this new info, I had what's called in the medical profession, a complete freak out. I have talked to you guys many, many times about my love for The Format. "Interventions & Lullabies" is in my top 5 favorite albums of all time. I happen to think it's nearly perfect. One of the biggest reasons I love the band is because the lead singer's voice is awesome. And here he was, performing live, and I didn't even know he would be there. Sharda asked if we thought they'd perform some Format stuff, but I didn't think so. Less than 5 minutes later, Nate (the singer) said, "Here's an old song." Then they played "The First Single" and I Completely. Lost. My Fucking. Mind. One of my biggest regrets is not ever getting to see The Format live, especially now that they are on hiatus (hold me), but I got to hear my favorite song performed live, and I almost cried. Then a little while later they played "She Doesn't Get It", and I died and went to heaven. Format, please come back. Please, please, please. I swear I will buy Fun's new album, but then just come back. I love you.

After Fun, we waited what seemed like a million hours for Jack's Mannequin to come out. Every time a roadie would come on stage the crowd would go nuts. Then it would immediately get quiet again. During one of these quiet times, Diane who was obviously drunk after several different flavors of ales yelled out, "JUST COME ON ALREADY! LET'S GO!!" It was so loud. And so amazing. And so embarassing. But seriously we are old. Stop making us stand longer than we have to. My back was for real hurting.

They finally came out. And as usual, they were amazing. If you are a JM or Something Corporate fan, do yourself a favor and go see Andrew McMahon perform live. He sounds amazing on his albums, but is approximately 1000 times better in person. He's like pure energy and passion up there, and he's effing fantastic. Also he's really funny.

He had a crazy mustache which gave him kind of a 70's porn star look. I'm not sure how I felt about it, but he did say this to a guy in the front row who had a mustache: "I grew this so you and I would have the same mustache." Awesome. As I mentioned, this place was really small and when it came time to do the encore he said, "This is normally the part of the show where we take a bow and leave the stage and pretend like we're not coming back and you guys are all like, "What assholes they didn't even play my favorite song." then you cheer really loud and we do this act where we come back on stage like, "Okay okay-we'll play a couple more. Since you asked." But tonight...well...frankly there's nowhere for us to go. So welcome to the encore!!" Cue "I'm Ready". Cue me peeing my pants. Cue them playing my favorite Something Corporate song ever that I have never heard played live. Cue more peeing. I almost punched Diane and Drew for talking during it.

As usual, we were about 10 years older than the average age of the crowd. There also seemed to be a lot of "bouncers" there. Not like bar bouncers-although there was a wicked hot one of those standing near us-but I mean like fans who literally jump up and down as high as they can during the song. It made me tired just watching them. The whole time I just wanted to say, "Okay you know what? You're at a 12. I need you at a 7 or 8. It is a Monday night."

Here are my scores for the night:

Venue: 5/10
Performance: 13/10
Overall hygiene of audience: 3/10 - Seriously is there a water shortage I don't know about? Or is soap too expensive these days? I will buy you kids soap if you will just promise to take a shower once in a while.

Andrew, never ever stop writing songs. Please. I heart you.

Wednesday, November 05, 2008


It's no secret that I don't really care about politics. I've made that abundantly clear. I'm also not someone who really waxes nostalgic about US history. And I love you guys, but I'm really not interested in hearing anyone's political views right now nor will I be talking about mine because frankly...SNOOZEFEST! But I'm finding it impossible to ignore the enormity of what's happened tonight. Like him or not, we just voted in the first black President.

The first black President of the United States!

After everything our forefathers and so many people after them have fought for to make this a place where all men are created equal, to have taken such a big step toward their vision and in our lifetime to boot, well it's seriously almost enough to make me cry.

This country is not even close to being perfect, and I know not everyone is happy right now. But please look at the bigger picture: we're all witnesses to something historic tonight. Something that is sure to change the landscape of politics-and US history-forever. How can you not love this country right now!?

Sorry to get all emotional and serious. I think that a lot of it stems from knowing I won't have to deal with all the ads and phone calls and interruptions to my shows anymore.

I'm gonna go light up a sparkler and put on some Lee Greenwood.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

Rocking the Vote

Guys, I am literally posting this from the line to go vote. This is some serious on-the-scene in-the-action reporting here.

And what action it is. They are whisking us through at the rate of about 1 person per every 20 minutes. You can see the line moving forward...if you use a time-lapse camera. It doesn't help that my voting location is literally a small condo. It's the Homeownwer's Association office-a converted condo. And there are up to 3 whole voting booths in there.

Luckily we are all waiting outside because there's no room inside. But it's okay because it is roughly 40 degrees. My hair, which I did not do this morning and is wet, is now frozen into a Medusa-like crazy lady mess on top of my head, and the only reason my fingers aren't frozen is because I'm using them to type this.

Why all the bitching? Let's get to the heart of it:

I am easily one of the laziest, whiniest people this country has ever known, yet I am standing out here freezing my ass off and waiting in a line that will probably, from the looks of things, last for the next 6 hours all because today I get to vote for our new President. And I don't even care about politics. As such, you have no excuse for not getting off your bum and doing the same cuz seriously if I'm doing it, everyone should be.
Seriously it is fucking-A freezing out here. I might try to snuggle with the old guy in front of me. If you see me on the news getting arrested for assaulting a senior citizen at the polls, don't judge me for my Medusa hair.

Thursday, October 30, 2008

I write good

I am currently writing about our Miami weekend trip, but I just found this. Obviously it must have fallen out of one of the "memory boxes" my parents gave me. It's from November 1987. So it's pretty recent. It is titled "In My Future" and I filled in a bunch of blanks. My answers are in green:

In My Future

I think it would be fun when I am older to be a writer because it would be fun and I would get a lot of money.

I think I would be great for this job because I love write writt writing.

I do not think it would be fun to be a artist or a fireman.

Here is a picture of the job I would like to have when I am older:

Comments on this:
1. I think my favorite part of this is that I said I wanted to be writer so I could get a lot of money.
2. It's too bad I didn't want to be an artist. Clearly I missed my calling.
3. Where are the bottom half of my arms.
4. That is almost an exact rendering of my hair in 1987. I wish I was kidding-believe me. But the perm...well the perm was very, very real.
5. I made my dad sign this. I have no idea why. My theory: Momentary mental deficiencies as a result of inhaling too many permanent chemical fumes.

P.S. Does anyone remember the Olgivie Home Perm? That just came screaming back to me. Now that is old school. One question, though: how come I can actually still purchase an Olgivie Home Perm from Walgreen's? Are they still available? If so, how come they haven't updated their packaging in 23 years?

Friday, October 24, 2008

Love and honor to Miami

I am currently getting ready to head down to southern Ohio. My sister, Sharda, Meg, Renee and I are heading to our alma mater, Miami University. I haven't been there in 7 years. I'm sure nothing's changed. A few months ago we all decided we missed it and wanted to go see a football game and hang out on the campus and get raging drunk with the college kids. I can totally pass for 22, right? Right, you guys? What do you mean 22 year olds don't wear slip on tennis shoes and complain about back pain?

Things I will be doing to relive my college days:

- wearing stretch pants and a giant sweatshirt
- skipping class
- accidentally wearing my shower shoes to public places
- avoiding the library
- getting parking tickets for parking on campus
- puking outside of First Run
- puking in the bathroom of Scott Hall
- puking in the bathroom of my old apartment
- gathering up all the shopping carts in the Kroger parking lot
- drinking Boone's Farm

I like how I added "drinking Boone's Farm" as if it's something I don't still do.

I'm sure I'll have some stories for you when I get back. Last night I made 2 cds that had songs that Renee* and I used to listen to all the time back then for us to play in the car. Let's just say the theme song to "Baywatch" might or might not be on there.

P.S. Odds are 3-1 that Meg makes out with a college boy.

*Renee was my roommate through all 4 years of college. She is awesome and here is the most perfect definitive story of her awesomeness. I may have told you this already, but that's okay. It's good:

A few months after we graduated college, a small group of us went up to Windsor to gamble and drink. I was driving my parents' minivan (whattup!) and Renee was in the passenger's seat. I had never driven across the border before ever. We got up to the border patrol and the guy asked us where we were going, for how long, etc. Then he goes, "Do you have anything to claim?" I had no idea what he was talking about. I just stared at him for a minute then I said, "What?" He again said, "Do you have anything to claim?" I literally had no idea what to do. Then all of a sudden Renee yelled out, "I claim this land for America!" and mimed stabbing a flag into the ground.

I absolutely lost it. The guy sighed, completely exasperated, and said, "Just go."

A. Mazing.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I will make out with all the New Kids simultaneously

The day of the concert, as I mentioned before, I worked from Diane's house because we were having a pre-party. Things you need for a New Kids on the Block Concert Pre-Party:

- New Kids music
- Old New Kids VHS tapes
- Champagne
- 10-15 women in their late twenties/early thirties who are acting like they are 12/13

Not only were there a bunch of us girls, but there were even 2 boys going with us. That's a switch from 1989. They kind of hung out on the outskirts of the pre-party. I don't think they wanted to get caught up in any violent frenzy should one break out. Probably a smart idea.

One of the guys was my friend, Paul, whose friends Leandra and Matt came from 3 hours away to go with us. Leandra is a graphic designer. She designed and had these made for us:

If you can't read that it says "WE'RE LEGAL THIS TIME! NKOTB '88-'08"

Hey, Leandra, maybe you should be more awesome. The best is that she also made two in blue for the guys. Paul, of course, put his on immediately and with enthusiasm because that is just who he is. Matt reacted similarly by saying, "There is no way in hell I am wearing that."

Soon I was drunk with excitement and champagne, so it was time to go. Matt, still refusing to put on the t-shirt, walked out of the house in an effort to ignore his wife's pleas. We walked out to the car, and he was still hilariously and adamantly refusing. We met them at the arena, and as they walked up, you could see Matt in the distance. Wearing the shirt. Nicely done, Leandra. Nicely done.

The crowd at the concert was really diverse. And by diverse I mean 99% of the people there were me. It was like just being at a concert with 20,000 mes and some husbands thrown in. Our t-shirts were a big hit. We got so many compliments and laughs and were asked over and over again where we got them. There were lots of people "dressed up"-meaning wearing homemade or old NKOTB t-shirts or dressed in 80's clothes. To Meg's dismay, there were also a lot of girls with crimped hair. Ladies, it's okay as part of an 80's outfit (not according to Meg), but I don't think we've been given the okay to wear it as if it's in style, yet, k?

At this point, our giant group split up. We could only buy 6 tickets at a time, and some people wanted cheap seats (what?) so we split into 3 groups. Members of my group in the order we sat:

Kim + her unborn baby

The first thing our little group did was buy alcohol because we just wanted to drink at a New Kids concert. Especially Kim. She was like, "Get my unborn fetus alcohol right now." Then we found our seats. They were pretty good considering we were in a giant arena. We were in the lower level (not on the floor) and not close to the stage, but we were in the front row of the section. Meg said it would be a great spot for them to see us. Mkay, Meg.

Natasha Bedingfield was the opening act, and she was awesome. Really, really good. Her voice is so strong-even moreso live-and I was really happy to get to see her instead of Sweet Sensation who opened for the New Kids last time I saw them. The other good thing about Natasha was that she gave me something to focus on so that my growing excitement wouldn't cause me to explode into a million pieces which is what I felt like doing.

Then Natasha was done and the house lights turned off and we knew the New Kids were coming out and I peed. The opening started, and I remember thinking, 'Oh my God I might actually cry. Like I might be one of those women who goes to a concert and cries.' Diane took a video on her cell phone of the opening, but you can't hear anything except screaming. Mostly from me. Also I was gripping Kim's arm so hard, there's no way I didn't damage it somehow.

Then they came out, and I completely lost my mind. Lost. My. Mind. And the screaming. Oh the screaming. I remember 20 years ago going to their concerts and thinking, 'There is no way any concert will ever be louder than this.' This concert was. I swear to baby Jesus it was. The crowd was absolutely deafening. Paul and Matt later told us they were scared.

Say what you will about the New Kids music (we will come back to this in a second), but those guys know how to put on a show. Twenty years ago they went all out for their fans, and it was no different this time. The special effects were incredible, they interacted with the audience, they sounded great, they danced great and they are wicked, wicked hot. Maybe it's my age, but I swear they look better now even than they did back then.

Okay the music...I get why people might not like their old stuff. As much as it pains me, I get it. But their new CD is fan-flipping-tastic. I am obsessed. And here's the thing, we have made all our boys listen to it nonstop for the past month. Here are some of their reactions:

Drew: "Okay I will admit it: I really like this CD. I am a fan."
Tony, while in my car listening to some non-NKOTB song on my iPod: "Why aren't we listening to New Kids right now?"
Dan, after I jokingly said, "Don't you want a copy of this?": "...I mean...I'll take a copy."

Tony and Drew actually text each other lyrics from their songs. Yes, boys, I am outing you to the entire world. Deal with it. Their new style is very different and it's fun and will make you want to shake your booty. Also, to my ladies who already know all the new songs: how awesome is "Dirty Dancing"? SERIOUSLY.

I don't remember what order the songs were in or anything so here's a list of standout moments for me:

- They sang "The Right Stuff" as one of the first songs, and they did the same dance from the video. I turned to Diane and was like, "They're almost 40." And then we laughed really hard. Then I almost cried from how awesome it was.

- When Joey sang "Please Don't Go Girl", at one point he dropped to his knees in like a desperate, pleading type move and I swear my ovaries shook.

- At our pre-party when we were watching the NKOTB videos, one of the clips was of Jordan alone on the stage in black pants and a white button down shirt that was completely open standing in front of a giant blowing fan. It was from the "Step by Step" tour, and I vividly remember that moment from when I went to that concert back in the early 90s. Because hot damn, Jordan. He was singing "Baby, I Believe in You" but really he just made me believe in him. We all joked around like, "What if he did that again? Oh my gawd that would be hilarious." Then at the concert, he did. And I received this text from Danielle: "I just sharted". Didn't we all, Danielle. Didn't we all.

- They came down to our end and sang a couple songs on a rotating stage right in front us. It was AMAZING. They sang "2 in the Morning" and "Dirty Dancing" which are two of my favorite songs on the new album, and I, of course, could barely contain myself. None of us could. Kim yelled out, "I want to touch you!"

- They played "Games" which surprised me and Diane. It wasn't one of their biggest hits, although it was with the Okay Seriously sisters. Obviously we know every word of the rap and were just praying Donnie would do it. Then he did, and I don't know if I have words to explain what happened to us. It's like we left our bodies completely. I was screaming the rap so loud, I thought I might have a brain aneurysm. Seriously. When it was over, Kim looked at us and said, "Nice job, Seriously sisters. Are you okay?" Then I was like, "I think I just blacked out." And Kim said, "Yeah I'm pretty sure you did. Try not to fall over the railing."

- They kept telling us that they couldn't believe how loud we were. That we were louder than any arena they had been to yet-including Boston. Obviously we assumed they said this at every concert, but then our friend Olympia, after the awesomeness of our concert, bought last minute tickets to the Chicago show the next night and said they didn't say that there. We are awesome. Cleveland is awesome! Donnie said he was going to move here and Kim yelled out, "I have a guest room!" Awesome.

- Jordan came out and performed his song from his solo album years ago. I think it's called "Give It To You". Then Joey came out and sang "Stay the Same" off of his solo album. Donnie came out and sang "Cover Girl" during which I cursed all the female dancers on stage and yelled things like, "Get off of him! Your services aren't necessary here!" because I am that girl. Then obviously since Danny and Jon don't really sing solos, they came out and did some bit where a) Danny breakdanced and b) Jon had a video camera. First of all, Danny was for real breakdancing. Not like the kind of breakdancing I say I'm doing when really I'm just laying on the ground trying to do a somersault. He was awesome. And he is almost 40 and the father of 4 children. Holy crap. Second of all, Jon was pointing the camera at fans and they were showing them on the big screen. Obviously some of the camera shots were from other cameras around the arena, but whatever. This is what leads me into the greatest moment of the night...

- So they showed random shots of people on the jumbotron-including 3 guys who were in a loge with no women and who were dancing their asses off-and suddenly we saw 6 girls in a row wearing bright pink shirts. They were just staring at the screen. I thought, "Wow look-those girls have pink shirts, too." Then one of them started jumping up and down freaking out. Curiously, Meg did, too. Then one by one each girl realized they were on screen and began to freak out. Finally the last girl-the brunette who was staring at the screen like a total dumbass-caught on. And that is when I lost. my. shit. because if you haven't figured it out yet, it was us. WE WERE ON THE GODDAMN JUMBOTRON AT THE NEW KIDS CONCERT!! I honestly cannot believe how long it took me to realize it was me. I was just staring at myself like, "Huh that girl looks kind of familiar." The camera was on us for a long time. Probably just waiting for me to get it. And once I did...oh. my. God. I mean I just for real lost it. I was basically punching everyone around me. Screaming, jumping, pushing everyone, basically punching Kim in her unborn baby. Immediately we got some text messages:

From Jen: "I hate you!"
From Adrianne: "Bitches!"
From Steph after I wrote her and asked her if she saw that: "Saw what? I didn't see anything."

To all of you: I just want to say...EAT IT!!

The best part is that for the entire week before the concert, Meg was convinced we were either going to meet the New Kids or they were going to see us somehow. Christy didn't get a t-shirt and when Meg found out she said, in all seriousness, "How do you ever expect to get backstage then?" She was so sure we would somehow be seen by them that we all just stopped trying to convince her otherwise because it was pointless. Then when we were on the jumbotron, she was totally vindicated. Meg, how did you know? You are a genius.

While leaving the concert, people were actually hi-fiving us and saying, "We totally saw you guys on the jumbotron!" Yeah. We are famous.

We had planned on going out after the concert, but all of us decided there was no way anything we could possibly do would ever be even a third as awesome as the concert itself. So not wanting to be disappointed, we just went home. The next day, I was totally depressed that it was over. Jen spent all day in bed and Diane apologized to Drew for "being distant". Awesome. For the first 48 hours after the concert, we were literally unable to talk about anything else. At all. We went to play games at Aloyd's the next day, and I think everyone wanted to kill us because we couldn't hold a conversation about anything but the concert. Since then, I would say it dominates 75% of all conversations. I have no idea if it will ever subside. Every time the boys complain we tell them that this is our fantasty football because seriously from August to February THAT IS ALL WE EVER HEAR ABOUT EVER SO GUESS WHAT NOW YOU HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT THE NEW KIDS CONCERT BECAUSE PAYBACK'S A BITCH!!

Honestly it was one of the best concerts I've ever been to. I think even the best. I'm still riding high from it. I think what struck me most is how sincerely and genuinely grateful they seemed to be out there getting to do this again. They were truly touched to find out that 20 years later, we were all just waiting for them to come back and fill the void that remained when they left the first time.

New Kids, that was like the best night of my life. Thank you for coming back. I will seriously be loving you forever.

Quick update

Employment: I am still employed! We did lose one team member, and it is the balls. More layoffs will be happening today so today won't be fun either, but somehow I managed to dodge another bullet and have convinced the people around me that I am valuable to the company. If they only knew, right?

New Kids: Will be posted this morning.

You guys: Patiently waiting and still like me? Please?

Tuesday, October 21, 2008


Guys, I know you're mad at me, but the New Kids post is 90% done and will be-without a doubt-posted tonight. But work has been incredibly intense and stressful, and today they are letting people go and all I want to do is go under my covers and lay there for 24 hours and pretend like I am still 10 years old and my biggest worry is what I'm going to be for Halloween.

There's a small chance I come home without a job today. There's a big chance I don't lose my job, but I leave early and they realize I'm a total slacker and fire me anyway.

Everyone cross your fingers!

P.S. In the meantime, watch the latest trailer for "Twilight" and bask in its awesomeness. I literally cannot wait for this movie to come out.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Letters for Wednesday, October 15

Dear Readers,
Whoa-did I leave you hanging or what? What an ahole I am. I'm sorry I was all "oh my God New Kids concert!" and then just fell off the face of the Earth. The truth is I am still recovering. Actually the real truth is, I have hardly been home since then and have had no time to blog. I am currently writing my recap of the concert, but here is a quick one line recap to tease of what's to come:

Best night of my fucking life.

Yeah. F-bomb. What's up.

Dear Coldplay,
I'll be honest with you here. You have never really done much for me. I don't think you're horrible in any way nor do I hate your music. It's just that while some of your songs are okay, they don't awaken anything in me. In fact, it's quite the opposite: they totally put me to sleep. Sarah's tip for killing a party: put on Coldplay. Then...then you come out with "Viva la Vida", and it's not just an okay song or even a good song. It's a great song. Are you kidding me? All your songs should be like this. A+!

Dear Ryan Reynolds,
I read your post about why you're doing the NYC marathon, and I just want to say two things to you: 1 - Good luck. 2 - It physically pains me that I can't be married to you.

Dear car warranty,
Goodbye, my sweet.

Dear peanut at the Browns game Monday night,
Holy shit, peanut. How big are you?

Dear me,

Why do you have old lady hands? This is depressing.

Dear Browns,
Hell. Effing. Yes. Are you kidding me!? The Superbowl champs!? 3 touchdowns!? On Monday Night Football!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!? Best game ever. The 2 point conversion "eff you" was just the icing on the cake. God I love you.

Dear Tara Reid,
No I'm sure you're not working now because of the strike (what strike?), but honestly-no need to come back. We are all holding down the fort without you so please take your time with your new lame-o, clearly drug-induced clothing line. It's just better this way, with you not here. Like I mean life is better.

Friday, October 03, 2008

D and I are hanging tough

I am currently at my sister's house working from here. She is, too. Why you ask? Number 1 -cuz it's fun. Number 2 - tonight is the New Kids concert, and we are having a pre-party here starting at 3pm. We will be listening to New Kids, watching New Kids, talking about New Kids...and drinking alcohol. Obviously.

I don't think I can tell you the emotions I'm feeling right now. It's been almost 20 years since I got to see them in concert and back then, it was what I lived for. Seriously. I can't even begin to tell you how happy it made me to get tickets to their concerts back then. And being able to just get a small piece of that feeling back this many years later-even if it's just nostalgic-is pretty great.

Oh who am I kidding-it's not nostalgia. I still effing love them and am going to scream my head off tonight because they are awesome. I hope they recognize me without my perm.

More details to follow.

P.S. Joey is hot.

Monday, September 29, 2008

My stock portfolio is really looking healthy right now

Our country is in the firm grasp of an economic crisis, and it is at times like these that I like to bury my head in the sand and pretend it's not happening. Join me, won't you? I mean my friend Sudha said he was going to fix it anyway so it should be on the upswing pretty soon.

I found some random pictures that I would like to share with you while you forget about your retirement fund that's currently wasting away to nothing.

- In March, when we went to Holiday Valley I told you I needed a picture from Diane to explain what Kevin did while we were on the trip. I have the picture, people! So the house we stay at is up on a hill. It's usually best to take SUVs there because they can drive up the driveway without issue. Sunday as we were leaving to go home (with our annual stop at Bob Evans along the way), Kevin and Kim left first in their car. Meg, Diane and I followed next and then the boys-Drew, Tony and Aaron-followed us.

As Meg, D and I approached the bottom of the driveway we saw Kim and Kevin waiting for us on the side of the road. But something was off. The three of us stared at them in silence for a moment before Meg said, "Are they like off the side of the road in that ditch?" And I said, "No no-they're just pulled over waiting for us." More silence. Then Diane, "They seem like really tilted, don't they?" More confused staring. Then all three of us at the same time, "Holy shit they are totally stuck in that ditch."

Have a look-see:

You can't even tell completely from this picture, but that car is totally on its side, leaning against the snowbank on the passenger side. Kim had to crawl up and out the driver's side door. Apparently there is road and then nothing. No shoulder. Just a few foot drop. Awesome.

Hijinx ensued with the boys pushing and Kevin revving and lots of laughing and yelling with no success. I was sad because I really wanted them to come to Bob Evans with us. I am always looking at what's important, you guys. The entire time the boys were strategizing about how to fix it, Meg was quietly stating her idea. None of them would listen. After about a half hour, D and I finally said, "Hey-listen to Meg dammit." They did. It worked. Kevin's car was freed. Women rule. Not surprisingly there was some tire axel damage. But at least we had Bob Evans.

- Here is a picture of a catfish in ice:

I have no story for this.

- For the Browns home opener, we went to Meg's new apartment for a party. As you know, parties at Meg's have names: Cinco de Mego, Kegs and Eggs at Meg's. This party was called Leggo My Meggo. We made waffles and had a waffle bar. And we drank a lot of mimosas. A lot.

If anyone else had thrown this party, it would've been frozen waffles and syrup. But this was Meg's party, and Meg doesn't half-ass anything. She made 3 kinds of waffles and the topping bar-oh my God the topping bar. Take a look at this:

Syrup; walnuts; chocolate chips; peanut butter; whipped cream; blueberry, cherry, strawberry and peach topping, 2 kinds of jam and powdered sugar. Greatest. Breakfast. Ever.

After the party, we went to Bob Golic's new sports bar. It had just opened and needed some work, but we did get to see Bob Golic and yell out references to "Saved by the Bell: The College Years". Also I got a stamp on my hand that says "Golic's". I still haven't washed it off.

- Here is a close up of the sombrero I put on while out drinking with coworkers at a Mexican restaurant and after having tequila for the first time in 13 years:

Ten minutes later, they bought me maracas and then I carried them around in my cleavage when I wasn't dancing with them to try and entice the opposite sex*.

*Note: this doesn't work.

Thursday, September 25, 2008


1 - "The Office" starts tonight. Remember when Ryan got arrested and Oscar goes, "I saw the video. I think his biggest offense is the beard." Awesome! I love you, Office!

2 - This is not good. Really, really not good. They are literally evolving just to get to me. Pretty soon there will be nowhere I can hide. I'm moving to outer space like that weird billionaire dude in "Contact".

Krusty's 2008

First: Is it too late in the season to wear white capris? I am obviously a fashion maven as evidenced by the fact that I wear $10 slip on tennis shoes almost everywhere I go, but despite my expertise, I have no idea if this is okay or not after Labor Day. Help me, Internet.

Second: Update on skee ball: We totally won our match last week. Christy added up the scores wrong. Don't worry-she is not a math teacher or anything. Just a 30-something year old woman who can't perform basic addition. No reason to be alarmed.

Third: Krusty's. Ahh...even the name makes me giddy.

This year Krusty's was-shockingly-completely effing awesome. As usual, it was the best day of my life. We recruited a ton more people to come with us. There were about 30 of us total, most of us drunks, all of us too sensitive to sun.

We started off drinking slowly because it's a marathon not a sprint, you guys, but I was drunk maybe 2 hours into it. Obviously. Because the drinks were going down smooth, and I was so excited to be there I could hardly contain myself. Some of us played volleyball. Not me, of course, because I am allergic to it. Diane tried not to play because she has bad ankles, but since she is part male, she couldn't stand it anymore so she went in and was basically better than everyone.

Two guys walked up and started talking to those of us ladies who were watching the game, and one of them wanted to play. We hung out with the other one who guessed our names. He guessed I was Gina. I told him he was right. Then I guessed he was Neil. I don't think he liked me very much after that. Let me just put this out there: I like the name Neil. I said that was his name because he had told us he liked Neil Diamond. I don't know what he was so upset about. This reminds me of this one time when I got drunk at happy hour and told this guy from work that he looked like someone who would wear a fanny pack. He hasn't spoken to me since. That was like 5 years ago. To be fair, he had just totally screwed over my friend Kim who he was dating. It was not an unprovoked FPA (Fanny Pack Attack).

Anywho, after this point, all the events of the day seem to run together. I have no real sense of "chronological order". Here's what I remember:

- Steph's sisters were in town and they brought a hammock. That is just awesome.

- Our friend had a beer pong table and there was a guy we didn't know playing on it and he keep oiling up his chest. Seriously. He rolled his tank top up to above his man boobs and left it there. Then he would periodically oil his chest. None of us could believe what we were seeing. Listen up, male readers: a) don't spend 3 hours at a stranger's beer pong table unless you are invited, b) do not roll up your tank top over your man boobs-tank top on or off, people (preferably never put on in the first place-it's a tank top and you are male but it was really hot so I'll allow it) and c) the only reason you should be putting oil on your chest ever is because you're either doing it for a Halloween costume or you are a stripper at Thunder Down Under in Las Vegas. Even then I will make fun of you, but at least it'd be part of your job description.

- I totally told the guys I would play in the cornhole tournament with them then I didn't. I remember saying, "Yeah I'll be right there!" then an hour later they came back, and I was like, "Hey where have you guys been?" I'm a pretty reliable teammate.

- I made our friend Steve's brother do gymnastics. It's okay because he is a gymnast. It's not okay because he was drunk, and I was only about the 17th person to ask him to do it. Whatever-he still did it because I am extremely persuasive (annoying).

- We tried to convince a guy who was with us to swim to the break wall and back. I'm not exaggerating-the break wall was easily 3 football fields away. We were like, "Dude, it's not even that far. You could be done in 10 minutes, easy." Then I told him I was a licensed lifeguard. He goes, "Really?" And I said, "Well by 'licensed' I mean I used to watch "Baywatch" a lot, and if I see you're in trouble I'll totally yell to those people on the jet skis out there to go help you." Shockingly, he did not feel confident enough in my abilities to save him from drowning to try it.

- The only thing that kind of annoyed us about Krusty's this year was that they had 2 bands: one reggae and one 80's/90's cover band. The 80's/90's cover band played first so by the time we were all drunk and ready to dance (aka, embarrass ourselves and our family names), the reggae band was playing. I like reggae music, but I cannot do the Fake Run to it. It's too slow. So Gordo and I decided we were going to do something about it, and we went up to the stage to yell at the band. And I have to say I think the band was really intimidated by us because as soon as we got up there we started dancing. Mission: Failed. Note to everyone who needs people to take charge and get things done: Gordo and I are not those people.

Eventually Krusty's came to end. And as usual I pouted like a little baby. I hate when it's over, you guys! As is tradition, we went to the after party at the bar where I walked in and announced to my friends, "I'm going to get so drunk that you'll either have to carry me home or dial 911!" Classy lady!

I broke my "no shots except at weddings rule" and made lots of people do lots of shots with me. The details of the bar get even fuzzier, but here is what I know:

- We were throwing popcorn at people. And I was throwing it on the ground while doing my impression of The Ground Round. You can totally throw your popcorn on the ground there, you guys.

- Ty took his pants off. Completely off. All layers. I heard my friend Mike yell, "Ty oh my God!" and I looked up and Ty was standing at the bar naked from the waist down. How in the world did they not kick us out after that?

- Our friend Sean passed out on a couch there, and Renee and I danced on him. Literally. Then I fell into his lap, and he didn't even wake up. I love that guy.

- I was wearing skorts. Here is the problem: Sarah + skorts + alcohol = Sarah lifting the skirt part of her skorts to show everyone the shorts underneath. This has happened time and time again-once at a wedding (sorry, Becky and Steve)*. Well at the bar, I pulled up my skirt and left it there. Like I walked around the bar like that. Skirt up facing the sky, shorts showing. When I showed Matt, he immediately poured popcorn down my skirt. So I was literally a human popcorn container. I showed Sharda what Matt had done, and without a word she reached down there and grabbed a handful of popcorn and shoved it in her mouth. You see, this is why I end up doing shit like pulling my skorts up. I don't have friends who discourage it. All they do is make it funnier.

I have no real recollection of leaving. I remember hugging a guy I went to high school with, him sticking his tongue in my mouth and then grabbing a cab. Thanks to my sister and Drew for getting me to their house safe and sound. And for not really letting me drink so much they had to call 911.

Thanks to Krusty's for being the greatest day of my life. I can't believe it's over. The good news is that I waited so long to post this, I only have like 10 months to wait till the next one. See you in 2009, best friend ever!!!

*Do not berate me for wearing skorts at a wedding. It was a picnic reception at a park. The bride was wearing shorts. I'm not some like white trash ho who shows up to a wedding in khaki skorts, a tube top and a banana clip. I save that outfit for first dates.

Friday, September 19, 2008

Skee ball wizard

Several things to address:

1. Yes I am going to post about Krusty's and the wedding. I really, really am. In fact I have drafts written up already. I know-how effing dorky am I that I sometimes write up drafts? Pretty dorky. But that's how I have to roll. I have very few good brain cells left so my memory fails me more often than not. Seriously, though, I promise. I'm making a solemn vow right here, right now: next week you will hear about both of these. If I don't, there are people here who will have my head (Sharda) so it will happen.

2. The day I posted about the Twilight series, I finished. I read all 4 books in 12 days. That is effed up, you guys. You know what else is effed up? Now I am currently trying to figure out when it's appropriate to start reading them again. Also to those who read book four and didn't like it: What gives? I don't get all the negative reactions. I thought it was amazing and fantastic and I screamed and cried and clapped through the whole thing. On an unrelated note: while Edward is obviously the perfect choice for Bella hands down no question, does anyone else think Jacob sounds wicked effing hot?

3. Skee ball league is amazing. Is skee ball one word or two? I always write it as two and since this is my blog I declare it two words. The team we played against, Ballz In Your Mouth, was obviously 3 guys and they were incredibly nice and fun. Each person on the team plays 10 games so that's 60 games of skee ball. Eighteen games in, this happened:

Christy broke our skee ball machine. I mean maybe not for real but it mysteriously stopped working while she was playing. That's all I'm saying. We only lost by 20 points, but our team had the high score for the whole thing: 320. Oh by the way, that was me. Boo-ya. But I really shouldn't brag because other than that game, I was horrible. I am usually awesome at skee ball, but I am sick so I'm blaming it on that and all the medicine I was on. Incidentally, Mon suggested I should be team leader since I played even while sick. I appreciate the sentiment, Mon, but really I should never be in charge of anything. Nothing good comes from that. Remember when I was in charge of steering when Meg and I were kayaking?

Steph, by the way, is some sort of skee ball savant. Seriously it's really weird. She's a skee ball freak. She says it's because she's from Sandusky which is home to the amusement park, Cedar Point, and is therefore essentially a carnie.

All in all, skee ball league is the best thing ever and everyone should join it. Also Steph's new nickname is Carnie.

P.S. They make you sign a waiver in case you get hurt. I was making fun of it so much and then I started thinking about it: if anyone was to get hurt while playing skee ball, who would it be? Me. Absolutely. Now I'm just waiting to see how it will happen. I'll keep you posted.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

I want my mommy

So I am sick and have done nothing this week except fake my way through work and sleep and whine like a baby. But no matter how sick I am, nothing is going to keep me from what we are doing tonight. Steph, Christy and I have our first our Skee ball bar league. Yes. That's right. Steph signed us up for a Skee ball league. I am so excited I can't even explain it to you. Our whole thought process was that a) Skee ball is awesome, b) we think a Skee ball league is probably full of cool people that we want to meet and c) it's at a bar. Our team name is Ball Busters. Steph was very hesitant naming ourselves something so un-classy because you know how Steph is the picture of propriety (see: every single post I have ever posted about Steph), but we are playing a team called Ballz In Your Mouth. I just want to say that I am very excited to meet these people because it's like they said, "What's the grossest thing we could name ourselves using the word 'balls'?" then they just went for it-no apologies. Then they added a 'z' to 'balls'. Awesome. So I will let you all know how it goes. Steph and Christy, I will try not to sneeze all over you. Actually that goes for everyone out there. I will try to keep my mucus-sharing at a minimum instead of how I usually just spread it all around.

P.S. Everyone pray for Nate Dogg. How is he possibly going to regulate in this condition?

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Vampires on my mind

Um so let me explain why I haven't posted anything yet this week. It's because I have been reading Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series and avoiding doing anything else. Seriously I am obsessed. Jen is the one who told me to read these books because she herself is obsessed. So I picked up Twilight to take to Virginia Beach. I was a little unsure because it's for teenagers, but I mean let's take an honest look at me: I love shows about teenagers, I love movies about teenagers, my maturity level is that of a 16 year old (on a good day) and I love vampire stuff (Buffy, Lost Boys, etc.). The odds were good I would like it.

You guys, I am actually embarassed at the speed at which I am going through these books. It's pathetic. I absolutely love them, and I cannot put them down. I must know what is going to happen next at all times. It's like my replacement Olympics where I'm actually going without sleep just so I can keep reading. To be fair, Sharda read Twilight at the same time as me and didn't like it. So keep in mind it's just my opinion and that might not mean much. But I will say that if you don't like it something is wrong with you. Just kidding, Sharda. Not really, you guys.

I will be going to see the movie version of this the day it opens in November. I'll wear too much eyeliner and no jacket and complain about my parents to try and fit in with the other teenagers.

On an unrelated note, did anyone watch "Fringe" on Tuesday? I thought it was pretty good. A little forced in some places, but show pilots are hardly ever great. You usually have to give it a couple episodes so they can set up the story and characters and stuff. But I thought this one was interesting. And gross. Um...those people were melting! That guy's jaw fell off! I almost puked. Then I saw Joshua Jackson and all was well. I'll watch this one just to see him every week. Mmm...I love you, Pacey.

Friday, September 05, 2008

So I owe you an explanation for my drunken run on posts over the weekend. That is coming. First I have to discuss 2 things:

1. Did any one watch the new "90210"? We had a viewing party at Aloyd's house. Here are my thoughts:

- It was not good.
- The new Brenda is too skinny. And the dude she's into right now is UglyHot, and confuses us.
- I was so happy to see Kelly and Brenda on TV again.
- I am officially old because last time I liked the high school boys. This time around I'm totally into the dad and the teacher. Yummy.

2. John and I have talked about having our own radio show for a few years now. I can't begin to imagine how fun that would be. To get the ball rolling, John sent this email to Clear Channel yesterday. For real:

"Dear [name of person at Clear Channel],

My friend Sarah and I both work in IT (information technology) and we are, by all accounts, hilarious. We have decided that we would rather have our own syndicated radio program on Clear Channel stations across the country than continue this drudgery. To that end, I'm just shooting you a quick email to get some information on the in's and out's of the business. I'm sure you know the ropes and could give us some amazing advice on how to kickoff what will inevitably be 2 of the most amazing radio careers ever launched, and your support will never be forgotten when we make it big. I suspect that when we do inevitably blow up and pull a 50 share in all of your major markets, we will undoubtedly shower you with lavish gifts and luxury items when we lock in our 7 figure deals. This show is amazing, I can tell by the look on your face right now that you already wish you were listening to our show. Frankly so do we. We are amazing. I think ours is the kind of show that people will spring out of bed with a smile on their faces knowing they get to listen to us on their commute. Crime rates will hit an all time low when we hit the airwaves and sales of anti-depressants will plummet. If you are a shareholder in any of the major pharmaceuticals who manufacture anti-depressants as their lifeblood I'd recommend reallocating your 401k before you send us the "Welcome to Clear Channel" package. This is going to be awesome. Seriously, let's do this. XM/Sirius is already beating down our door and we are definitely not down with Satellite radio my friend.

Yours Truly,
Cleveland Ohio"

Big things are about to happen, you guys.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

She's my cherry pie

What up! I got yelled at cuz I said I'd write today and haven't yet. Today we saw a dude wearing a v-neck. And by v-neck I mean his chest hair was 2 different colors. White and black and the white was in a V shape as if he wears only v-necks and sits in the sun 24-7 and the part exposed got bleached. Christy and I were scared.

Tonight we saw Billy Idol, Eddie Money and Warrant. and now Steph and I are drinking vodka. This is taking forever to post because of spelling/vodka issues. I love you, motherbitches.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Storms are brewin in my eyes

Starship is totally singing a song for me right now. No time is a good time for goodbye...

Never trust a big butt and a smile

Greetings from Virginia Beach! I'm here with my girls Meg, Steph, Sharda, Christy and Lisa. We just saw En Vogue and Bel Biv Devoe in concert. We are on our way to see Starship. Yeah. That's as real as it gets, people.

Obviously I have been drinking and am writing this as I walk down the boardwalk. I have just tasted happiness in a glass and I just want to say that yes, Belinda Carlisle, heaven IS a place on Earth

More tomorrow...

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

At least I get to bed before 4am now

You guys, there is a void in my life. An Olympics shaped void. It's been 3 days, and I am still sad that they are over. I'm not sure if it's my age or Michael Phelps or what, but I was more into these Olympics than I have been for years. I love what the Olympics represent, and I love that giant effing LCD screen they used in the opening ceremonies. Are you kidding me, China? No opening or closing ceremonies will ever compare to yours. Absolutely unreal. After the Memory Tower portion of the closing ceremonies where people were literally running up and down the tower and dancing on it to look like fire (which it totally did), I was like, "Good luck, London!" I'm just saying I wouldn't want to be the city that had to follow that.

Also the handoff to the UK was hilarious. Jimmy Page looks pretty young. And seriously-Leona Lewis? Really? She gets to perform at the closing ceremonies of the Olympics? How? How is that possible? I might as well have performed. At least she didn't sing that one song that's always on the radio. I think it's called "Bleeding Love" or "Bleeding Eardrums Because This Song is Terrible" or something. And also I love that David Beckham was just randomly there. It's like the UK said, "Hey David Beckham is a famous English guy-let's have him there." I told John they should've had Hugh Grant come out and be hilarious and then make out with a hot American actress. In fact, London, I think you should just go ahead and play "Notting Hill" as your opening ceremonies. Just an idea. Feel free to use it. I won't ask for credit, but I will expect to be invited to sing at the closing ceremonies. I will be singing "Every Heartbeat" by Amy Grant.

My favorite saying seen on a sign at a craft fair in Delaware, Ohio this weekend where I tried to take a picture of it and got yelled at by the store owner whose eyes looked in 2 different directions and I didn't know which one to look at so I just kept alternating looking at both of them: "Back door guests are best!"

Monday, August 18, 2008

My lack of boyfriend explained

Okay so this is why I don't have a boyfriend. I'm afraid of picking a bad one since the pill is obviously making me a crazy odor sniffer. It's definitely not cuz I'm a loser. Or because I write "cuz" instead of "because". Or because Matt and I went to see "The Great Muppet Caper" yesterday and we are 31 (close enough, Matt).

It's true-we went to Palace Theater to see a Muppet movie yesterday. You might remember we did this 2 years ago. Well "The Great Muppet Caper" is my absolute favorite Muppet movie so I was not going to miss it. We walked in and some lady asked us if we were going to see the Muppets, and we said yes and she gave us 2 free tickets. It was awesome. She must've been thinking, 'Hey-these 2 look super creepy and pedophilish walking in here without children. I bet they need tickets to the Muppets.'

Then we went up to the refreshment counter and bought so much junk food it was ridiculous. We compared it to being 5 years old and having money to buy whatever you wanted. We just kept ordering and ordering-popcorn, candy, cupcakes and on and on. It was glorious. In the movie theater they have an organ that plays music while you find your seats. Then they play Looney Tunes cartoons. Then they play the movie and Matt and I laugh way too hard given our age. It's just awesome. I was so happy.

No but probably I'm single because of the pill thing. I'm sure that's it.

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Olympic glory

My sister uploaded pictures of our night on Friday so before I get to Krusty's and the wedding, I need to tell you how awesome our Friday night was.

Real quick I need to say something: is Michael Phelps for real? Is he part fish or something? Hey, Michael, do you have any Olympic medals I can borrow? Oh 900 million? Jesus. I'm just saying has he ever met a world record he hasn't completely smashed? Unbelievable. You effing rock, Mikey! You actually make me jump out of my recliner and chant "U-S-A! U-S-A!" in my living room.

Talking about the Olympics actually dovetails nicely into what Steph, Diane and I did on Friday. We didn't have any plans and a lot of our friends were either busy or out of town so Steph being Steph made plans for us. Oh but not just any plans. We had Olympic plans.

Since it was the opening day of the Olympics, Steph came up with the idea of having an Olympics event of our own. The basic premise is that we would go to several different bars and compete in events. We each got to pick our country name. There would be a winner of each event and then an overall winner would be declared.

Steph sent out an itinerary beforehand with the bars we'd go to,which events we would participate in and some history behind each event. She tried to pick bars that represented different countries, and when she couldn't she just assigned random countries to random bars. Not only that, she wrote bios for us. Yeah. Once again, those of you without a Steph can go ahead and cry now. She wrote bios! Here they are:

Diane – Diane is an all-around competitor and one of the strongest in the competition. She was raised in the jungles of Iceland and crowned Prom Queen of her high school (Diane’s contract forces this mention in any activity in which she participates). Recently, Diane acquired a new coach, Drew, and when the salary costs became prohibitive to continue to employ her experienced mentor, she married him. Diane is always finding creative ways to save a dime. Under Drew’s influence, Diane has excelled in her drinking (though wouldn’t you, if you had to stay with Drew until the end of time?). Diane’s career has not been without controversy. Competitors are often charging that she doesn’t have the genetic makeup of a woman, and much like the East Germans of yore, Diane is constantly subjected to hormone testing to prove her gender. The competitors’ doubts have created a fire in her belly to prove them wrong and kick their ass. Diane is definitely one to watch.

Sarah – Sarah is another strong competitor to watch. Sarah was raised by a pack of kangaroos in the desert of Siberia. At the tender age of 10, she was discovered by a clown car in the pouch of a kangaroo and taken in by the circus folks. This explains why she is so funny (and her unusually large feet and interest in excessive makeup). Sarah competes for the country of Vachina so named by her drinking coach, John. Her tolerance for vodka-cranberries makes her one to watch. She also uses her impressive cleavage to her advantage at every opportunity, look for this to come to play when she leans in the shuffleboard game. Expect Sarah to make a strong showing in all the events she enters and use her “assets” to full advantage.

Steph – Steph is cool. REALLY, REALLY COOL. She is the other competitor to keep an eye on (but good luck, she is so short she is often difficult to see with the naked eye). Steph with her fair skin, red hair, and green eyes obviously is native to Zaire. Known for her short attention span (everything about her is short, you guys!), Steph is always thinking what’s next, which could prove to be a valuable asset in these variable and shifting games. However, she is also easily swayed by shiny objects and dancing music, so whether Steph has the stamina and attention span to actually finish the competition is the true question. If she can charge through, though, she is one that hates to lose and has been known for demonstrating true shameless in the plight to win something.

Our opening ceremonies were in a park where we wore the traditional Olympic garb-pretty dresses-and ate Chinese food since the Olympics are in Beijing. Eating Chinese food from a place called China Town II in a park is the same as being in China. The best part is that somehow Steph got Matt to drive her to the Chinese place and actually buy our food for us. How did she do that? Awesome.

As I mentioned before we got to pick our own country names and then we made flags for them. Seriously. Steph brought construction paper, scissors, markers and glue sticks to the park and we made flags. As you may have read in my bio, John picked my country name for me: Vachina. Is that not the most awesome country name ever? Here is the flag I created:

I just want to take this opportunity to apologize to my parents. I also want to remind everyone that I am actually a 31 year old adult woman and not, despite evidence to the contrary, a 13 year old boy.

Here is Steph's flag:

Obviously she named her country Stephland because she is a dictator. Her country even has this slogan: "Where Steph is the star!"

Diane couldn't think of a name so she just started cutting penises out of construction paper. You guys, I told you she had a problem. So we used her existing skills and came up with Republic of Peckeronia:

She is also an adult woman. But I mean we share the same DNA so her immaturity shouldn't surprise you. Also these are the worst penises she's ever made. They look like upside down wine glasses. We made her fix them a little bit later, and then Steph drew some "detail" on them to make them more realistic. And gross.

While we were making the flags, a group of people who were carrying posters that said "Zesty iPod Dance" walked by us. They stopped and asked us if we wanted to join them. We asked what they were doing, and they said, "Zesty iPod Dancing" as if that is an answer any human would understand. Apparently they literally just listened to their iPods and danced around the park. We politely declined and snickered as they walked away like, "Man what dorks! Hey Steph, can you pass the glue stick?" What-making fake flags out of construction paper in a park when you're 30 is way cooler than that.

After we ditched Matt and "forgot" to pay him back for dinner, we were off to our first bar. Our first event was darts. It was pretty close till the end when Peckeronia and Vachina choked and Stephland rallied for the gold. Peckeronia got the silver. Vachina, in a poor first showing, got the bronze. Then we forgot to return the darts, and we went out on the patio, and I did the dance from Pat Benetar's "Love is a Battlefield" video. Obviously.

Oh things I should mention:
1. I took notes the entire night for blog reasons. By the end of the night, my penmanship had degraded to the point that it looks like I was trying to write with my mouth while blindfolded.

2. At every bar we went to, we hung our flags up during the event. Then after it was over, we hung them up in the order of 1st, 2nd and 3rd places and took pictures. Like this:

3. After each event was completed, we went to the Olympic Village to celebrate. What that means is we just sat at the bar for a while and drank and talked to strangers.

Our second event was Rock, Paper, Scissors while we drank sangria. Not just sangria. The most delicious sangria I have ever had. We had to be holding the sangria in one hand while we played with the other. We spent about 20 minutes coming up with rules for Rock, Paper, Scissors. It was pathetic. This event was truly exciting as we had a 3 way tie all the way to the last match. It was Vachina versus Stephland, and whoever won got the gold. Whoever lost got the bronze. At the buzzer Vachina pulled out the Paper while Stephland went with Rock and the crowd went nuts. By crowd I mean this one lady who walked by us and was laughing really hard that we were playing Rock, Paper, Scissors. Steph was very disappointed in her country, and showed it by disrespecting Peckeronia's flag by putting her drink on it. Also at this bar, I almost set the entire place on fire by laying my paper on top of a candle:

I should mention here that my country name really lent itself to a lot of awesome jokes. Examples:

- Steph told me she could see up my dress, and I said, "Hey-I'm from Vachina." and she said, "So that's like, what, your handshake or something?"

- Steph: Do you allow men in Vachina?
Me: Only men. I'm the only woman in Vachina.

- Christy's text message: I sent you a message that was supposed to go to someone else. I was distracted by your country's flag.
My reply text message: I understand. You totally got sucked into my Vachina.

Etc., etc.

The third event was shuffleboard at this old German dive bar none of us had ever been to. Let's just say they probably don't get a lot of girls in pretty dresses coming in to play shuffleboard. But they couldn't have been nicer and more welcoming to us. And this hippie guy was awesome:

That's Rick, and he is clearly crazy. Crazy awesome. He was so nice and friendly and had awesome hair. And he said, "Well as the three wiseman said, 'Why soitenly!'" Yeah-he said the Three Stooges were the three wisemen. Fantastic.

During shuffleboard, Steph continued to play mind games by putting her drink on everyone's flags. Vachina had to send in their alternate because our starting player was out with an injury. By that I mean I have never played shuffleboard before and totally effing sucked. See the scores:

The note I have next to the Vachinese score on my paper is "Horseshit".

At the next bar as we were already pretty drunk, we decided to take it easy and just order Grey Goose martinis. You know how those have no alcohol in them at all. It was the best martini I have ever had by the way. We took a short break before diving into our next event and sat at the bar and talked to the guy sitting next to us. We explained what we were doing, and he said, "That's pretty cool. I mean I would never do that, but it's cute." Diane refused to let this go and she said, "I think you would. When you came in I heard you complaining that the Pac Man machine was broken." And he said, "Yeah I'm 35. That is sad." Diane continued to explain our Olympics to him and then he said, "That's rad. I'm so old I say 'rad' and mean it." Then I said, "Seriously. It's gnarly." Only right as I said what I thought, at the time, was maybe the funniest thing ever, he turned to talk to his girlfriend who had just walked in. Diane laughed really hard, but I was mad that my awesome joke was ruined. Now that I'm writing out this story, it's hitting me that that joke isn't really funny. It's hard for me to cry about the injustice when really all I did was rip off Corey Feldman in "Goonies" when he sees the skeleton organ.

After we were halfway through our martinis we started our next event: business card bop. We each had to collect 3 business cards. There was also a bonus point opportunity for the most interesting business card. I asked a whole bunch of people inside the bar and all I got was one drunk Irish guy singing me a weird song. Not exactly a business card. Outside I went up to a table and asked if anyone had a business card. The guy who's back was to me reached for his wallet. His friends pointed at him and said, "Oh boy do you even know who this guy is?" I laughed and said, "Oh is he famous? Is this a famous business card?" As we all laughed, I looked the guy and said, "Rob?" Yeah. I knew him. His friends totally freaked out. A few minutes later his younger brother and a couple other guys-other friends of ours-showed up. This was unexpected. We then explained what we were doing to our friend Lardiss and this is how the conversation went:

Lardiss: You guys are pretty bold starting out with martinis.
Us: We've been out for 3 hours.
Lardiss: Holy shit. So where is everyone else?
Us: It's just the 3 of us.
Lardiss: Just the 3 of you? Oh. I mean...that's cool that you still decided to do this even though there's only 3 of you.
Us: :(

Steph won the business card bop by getting 3. Diane and I each got 1, but I got silver thanks to my friend Rob who's business card was the coolest thereby earning me the bonus point.

Right here is where I would insert the picture of Steph molesting the statue that was sitting on the patio of the bar if I could.

We then headed over to the last bar for the final event. I'm going to just copy Steph's description of this event: "One of the evening’s most anticipated events…rhythmic gymnastics. Players will need to find a competitor from the crowd to compete and create a rhythmic gymnastic performance. Toilet paper is encouraged to serve as a substitute for the ribbon."

Yeah. We had to find someone to dance with toilet paper. At this point, I couldn't believe we were even still doing all the events. I figured we'd have lost interest hours ago because we were so drunk. But despite being completely loaded, we did not give up. I was positive Steph was going to win this last event. And I was positive I would get the bronze. Here's what happened:

Steph took the early lead by finding a guy who did a pretty good job. He interacted with Diane and I a little bit, threw the TP over my neck and seemed to be having fun. Steph had to buy him a drink. Then Diane found someone. While he did dance, he didn't seem too into it. Although he was cute. She had to buy him a drink, too. Then Diane handed me the TP and said, "Okay. Go find someone. Be brave." I was about to give up when an older gentlemen with an awesome mustache walked in. He looked drunk and funny. As he walked by our table, I gathered up my courage and walked up to him and said, "Hi! I'm hoping you can help me out. My friends and I are playing a game. If you danced with this toilet paper, I could totally win a medal." He looked at me for a second, then tried to dance with me. "No no-not with me. With this toilet paper." Without hesitation he grabbed the toilet paper and put it in between his legs and did this:

Diane and Steph jumped to their feet and applauded. He then took the TP and held it up and did a waltz with it. Diane and Steph told me that I had the gold so I gave the guy a hug and said, "You won me the gold medal!" He hugged me, wrapped the TP around his neck and walked away. Want to know the best part? He was the owner of the bar. And 2 other area bars. Holy eff. I got the owner of the bar to dance with toilet paper, and I didn't even have to buy him a drink.

After that we went to the final bar for the closing ceremonies. Steph won the gold, I got silver and Diane got bronze. We played Connect Four and Boggle, but not as part of the Olympics even though Diane wanted to count them to try and move up a medal. It wouldn't have helped as Diane sucks at both games. Steph made each of us medals out of construction paper and ribbon:

We wore them and took a picture holding up our flags on our homemade podium. Note: homemade podium means Steph up on a step, me to her right on the lower step and Diane on the lower step crouching down. We got some hipster dude to take our picture, and his hatred for us was palpable. Luckily while we were taking this picture, nobody who I work with screamed my name across the bar. Oh wait...

We then went inside and played on the bowling machine. Shortly after that, we got roped into dancing by two weirdo ladies who were pretending like they liked the DJ's music even though it was horrible. I don't want to brag, but I swear once we started dancing, tons more people started to dance too. We just scream fun. Also Diane almost became a lesbian when this chick who was obviously using her boyfriend has a ruse to cover up the fact that she was gay started dancing with Diane and wouldn't stop. It was hilariously awesome. Steph was dancing with the boyfriend. Here are the last notes I took that night that took me 10 minutes to decipher: "He was calloused. She had B.O. They used Steph and D to make each other mad." That was my official take on the situation.

Once we left that final bar, we called Drew and said, "Okay are you ready to come pick us up now?" after having made no plans for him to do so. I'll be honest I'm not clear on what happened next. Diane and Steph made me walk around what seemed like the entire greater Cleveland area as I tried to call a cab for us. When I finally got a hold of one, we were at a corner that maybe wasn't the greatest part of the neighborhood. Here's a clue. I told the guy at the cab company what corner we were at and he said, "Wait-are you at a business or are you just standing on the corner?" I said, "We're just standing on the corner." And in a slightly panicky voice he said, "I will get someone to you as soon as possible."

We decided it would be much safer if we crossed the street because that makes a lot of sense. But at least there was a bus stop with a bench there. Diane told us the glass was bulletproof and that she would protect us from muggers and bullets. When the cab finally came, we jumped in and Steph said, "Oh my God, Mr. Cab Driver, we just almost died!" After we dropped Steph off, Diane and I both immediately fell asleep in the cab. I woke up a few minutes later with no idea where we were. I woke Diane up, she hit my hand and fell back asleep. Somehow we got to her house, and Drew brought us Taco Bell. The next morning I got a text from Steph that said, "Remember when Diane almost became a lesbian at the Olympic Village?"

I just want to say: best night ever!