Thursday, April 26, 2007

It's TV recap time again

Yowza there was some good TV this week. Warning: Spoilers within. Another warning: This is long.

For the love of Pete I don't even know where to start. I guess let's start with Sun and Jin since it was their episode. I love Sun and Jin and was so happy to be focused on their story again. Jin is hot and a total badass when he has to be (i.e., chasing down Eye Patch. EYE PATCH?!? We'll come back to this.). I totally knew that blackmailer lady was his mother, and how awesome was it when Sun threatened to kill her? Watch out, Jin's mother! Sun will kill you dead. Or her dad will. Either way you=not living anymore if you keep it up.

Jin's the daddy! I am so so so so happy about this, but if they kill off Sun I will go medieval on ABC. I am not even kidding. Juliet almost got me to kind of like her, and then she was all, "I'm just going to go back inside and check the measurements again to make sure we didn't miss anything." Yeah, why don't you go "check the measurements again", lying whore. I knew you weren't going to do that! I know you hate Ben for making you do this so here's an idea: DON'T. There are 40 people out on that island who would gladly support you and help you fight Ben if you just told them what the eff was going on on that freaking island. I know, I know-it's not that easy. Ben's the one who can get them off the island. My question is why? Why is he the only one? One thing has changed about my feelings for Juliet, and that is that I don't want her to die immediately anymore. She may be the one who can save Sun so we can keep her around until she does that. Then she needs to get out of my face.

Um...what's up with all the insinuation that Jack is working with The Others? Not cool, Losties. Let's remember who stepped up to the plate time and time again when no one else would? That would be Jack. Beautiful, yummy, sleeveless, stubbled, tattooed, melt-in-your-mouth Jack. So bring it way down on the suspicions.

Um...FLIGHT 815 CRASHED AND THERE ARE NO SURVIVORS?? Are you freaking kidding me? Okay so who the hell is this parachuter? At first I was sure she was sent by Penny because of the photo. But what if she's one of The Others, and they are using her to throw off our Losties? I mean it's kind of convenient that Eye Patch showed up exactly where she had landed. Maybe he knew she was coming but didn't count on Desmond and the guys to be there? By the way, why the eff is Eye Patch alive!? Did he fake it or did the island heal him? It was interesting how he said the parachuter with the collapsed lung would be okay in only one day. Is that a clue?

John's convinced that they are all dead and are in some kind of purgatory. I think it's a government cover up. I think the Dharma (& Greg) Initiative who went there originally was doing research for the government, something went wrong and the government covered it up. And I think the government knows that flight 815 crashed on that island but because of the cover up denied all knowledge of it and came up with the phony no survivors story.

Also previews for next week: Locke asking Sawyer to kill Ben? I totally do not think that's Ben that he wants killed. I think it's his father. Here's one thing I know for sure: I am freaking out.

Grey's Anatomy
Gordo wrote me during the show and said that Grey's was redeeming itself a bit with this episode, and I have to agree. I actually laughed. Several times. It's been a while for this show. I absolutely loved the game they were playing when the show opened up. God I miss those days where they were all friends and had fun together. It was what made the show so damn good. The closeness of these very different 5 interns.

Bailey taking the full cake was fantastic. Everything she does is fantastic. But that was extra special. Especially because she took it and left the room with it like, "Leave me alone while I eat this entire thing." Awesome.

Skinner from The X-Files needs to lay the hell off the chief. If the chief wants to retire, he can retire. My dad would agree and would tell the chief that retiring is the best thing ever-right after he called me from the mall to tell me there was a huge sale at B. Moss (my dad actually did this today. How awesome is he!). Dorky sidenote: Anyone else recognize Skinner's wife? Mrs. Leery! Dawson's long-suffering mother on "Dawson's Creek". I say long-suffering because she had a total douchebag for a son and a hot husband who died.

Um...penis fish! Is that a real thing? Someone with the patience to Google, please Google this right now and tell me. And find out if it's actually that big because good Lord. How do you not feel that swimming up your urethra?

Addison and Alex totally did it! Man could he be any hotter? Answer: No. Why was he mean to her at the end? I think it was because Ava told him that Addison was looking for a real relationship. I don't think he thinks of her that way so he was letting her down now instead of later when it would really hurt her. Also they are setting up her departure from the show. I love how she leaves the hospital at the end and looks back at it with a face like, "I fucking hate this place." Poor McSteamy. He was really trying to be the man she wanted him to be. And he let her go by saying he slept with someone. Ugh-it just makes him that much more attractive. How in the hell did Meredith resist him when he hit on her? She is a stronger woman than I am.

I love happy Meredith. It's been a while since we've seen it, and I love it. But of course the writers can't let Derek and Meredith just be happy. I hate this new storyline they have going with Derek basically dumping Meredith over a job. A few weeks ago he'd have died for her. Make it stop, writers.

Color me shocked Izzie finally did the right thing tonight by giving up George for Callie's sake. George, you're a dick for even driving Callie to the point of having to beg Izzie for her husband back. Ridiculous! But Izzie, congrats on walking away from George. It's the first time I've seen you act like an adult in a long time. I wonder how long it will last. Something tells me not long, and that something is the preview of you kissing him in the elevator next week. Honestly, writers, she treats George like her little bitch from day one and now you expect us to believe she literally cannot keep her hands off of him? I'm not buying it.

On the other hand I LOVED the stuff with Christina and Burke tonight. Please keep them together forever.

The Office
After every single episode of The Office I always think, 'There is no way any other episode will make me laugh this much', and then the next episode comes and once again I end up with a pulled stomach muscle and soiled underpants.

I know that pretty much every other day I say that something was "the funniest thing I have ever seen", but Jim imitating Dwight? The funniest god. damn. thing I have ever seen! "Bears. Beets. Battlestar Galactica." And the calculator watch! "Identity theft is not a joke, Jim!" Top notch, award-winning writing right there, folks. It does not get better. Oh until Dwight tried to imitate Jim. I love that his idea of imitating Jim is saying, "I'm Jim Halpert." over and over and asking Karen to have "sexual intercourse" with him.

Other highlights:
- Every single thing that happened with Creed. Love that it was his fault the obscene cartoon got out. Love that the most effort he's put in at work all year was finding someone else to blame for it. Love that he blamed Dwight for that lady getting fired and that he took up a collection for her and kept the money. Best quote ever: "The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did when I was a homeless man."

- Kelly: "This day is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!" Cut to Angela taking aspirin to prepare for the headache to come.

-Michael, in a panic: "No no no-I need two men on this. That's what she said. No time! But she did. NO TIME!"

- Jim: "Lord, beer me strength."

- Andy's girlfriend is in high school! Andy: "I had no idea." Jim: "Well...that's not gonna hold up in court."

- I love Kelly training the Accounting department and doing her Bridget Jones voice. I like ice cream! I need a boyfriend! Also Angela is the absolute best at being a bitch.

- Oscar and Kevin trying to hi-five.

- Dwight referring to the accuracy of the X-rated cartoon: "Whoever drew this got it exactly right."

- The press conference made me hide under my blanket it was so uncomfortable. But the video taped apology was so worth it. "They're trying to make me an escape goat." And OMG when he ended it with "You have one day." I spit Diet Sprite all over my shirt.

Did I mention that I love TV?

A few things that are on my mind

- Re: Lost: I shat myself. We will discuss later.

- If you are driving a minivan, the word "sexy" should not appear anywhere in your vanity license plate.

- On Tuesday I watched this show on the National Geographic channel-seriously I did. Yes I get that channel. Yes I watch things that can be considered educational and that don't star Charlie Salinger. Stop laughing. It was about UFOs obviously, and it was hosted by Peter Jennings. Can I just say how much I miss him? Anyway, I would never in a million years claim that there is no way aliens exist. It takes a certain amount of arrogance to claim that you know that for certain. I mean there is no way you could possibly know that so stop being a dick (not you). But I'm pretty sure that 99% of the people who claim they've been abducted are totally insane. One lady who was probably 60 years old said that the aliens showed her an alien baby, and she "instantly knew" it was hers, and she said, "That's my baby!" and the alien was like, "No it's ours!" What? Why in the world would aliens want to breed with us. If they can come here that means they are literally about a million years more advanced than us. Who seeks out the retards of the universe to have babies with them? I mean I don't go to the hills of West Virginia to find men. I'm just saying. P.S. If you are from the hills of West Virginia and are intelligent and not inbred and I've insulted you, I am really sorry. Also if you are a cute boy, call me.

- Remember how a couple posts ago I was pining over this? The next day, John sent me the music from two of the CDs. He went out and downloaded it to give to me. Um...I don't know if I've mentioned this, but John is AWESOME!! John, I will make out with you right here. If your wife disapproves, I will make out with her, too.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Phoning it in again: I edit some of the current top headlines on Yahoo! News

Riggs named most 'Beautiful Bulldog', dreams of world peace

Passengers' rights are debated...then tossed out because eff those people

Execution drugs can cause painful deaths, study shows. So do the weapons used by those who end up on death row.

Ancient Rainforest Revealed in Coal Mine, Immediately Chopped Down to Supply Staples with Copier Paper

NY exhibit offers new look at Monet, Monet suing saying nude pics were obtained illegally

NASA releases 3D images of sun, turns out it's still a big ball of fire

Fat models stay in Africa as West wants Size Zero. In Related News, Okay Seriously Moves to Africa

Basinger Denies Leaking Baldwin Rant, Is a Big Fat Liar

Researchers probe fossilized rain forest, rain forest feels violated

Study: Breast-feeding won't deter obesity, will deter people from looking you in the eye

`Girls Gone Wild' founder sent to jail, no one on planet surprised except for those who thought he was already there

Rosie takes aim at Murdoch at luncheon, doesn't realize she's no longer relevant

Naked man shot near U.S. embassy in Kyrgyzstan. Possibly related: I haven't seen John in a while.

Teachers "purify" students with cow urine

Yeah I didn't do anything to that last one because seriously-I didn't really need to.

Monday, April 23, 2007

You guys sick of the creepy Cabbage Patch Kid picture?

On Friday night at about 1 in the morning, I spent a half hour watching an infomercial for this and used up all my energy convincing myself not to call and order it. The infomercial was hosted by Air Supply who, by the way, sang the samples of their songs live in the fake living room studio they were in. Hello! Awesome! By the way, I had never seen the guy who sang The Pina Colada Song until this infomercial. Have you guys seen him? He is a giant dork. Seriously he looks like a computer geek from the 70's.

On Saturday we won our football game again. If you're keeping track, that's 2-0. WTF is going on. Meg caught her first touchdown pass, but we remained cool and calm and kept up our intimidating exterior by not making a big deal out of it. And by not making a big deal out of it I mean we all rushed her while screaming, "Meg, you did it!" And I picked her up. Then we spent the afternoon on the patio of a bar getting weird sunburn lines. Seriously my forearms and hairline are bright red while the rest of me is not. That is HOT. Saturday night Steph got so drunk she told me I could be her wingman again even after last week's debacle. I knew it was just the booze talking, though, so I refrained from causing further damage.

Yesterday I spent 2 hours washing my car inside and out which, much to my father's chagrin, I have done approximately 3 times since I bought it. Then I came inside and saw that it is supposed to storm today. I'm taking this as a sign that I should never wash my car by hand again. Seriously there has to be a guy out there willing to date me and wash my car for me. Please? I will do your laundry! And I will share my liquor with you. Okay wait-I need to think about that one.

Please tell me if you are from Cleveland that you watched "30 Rock" on Thursday. It was all about how Liz Lemon's boyfriend is from Cleveland, and they went there on vacation, and they painted it to be absolute paradise. The whole episode was so fantastic, I am saving it forever. Best lines ever:

Floyd and Liz arrive in Cleveland.
Liz: What smells so good?
Floyd: Cleveland.

After deciding they wanted to move to Cleveland, Liz changes her mind and tells Floyd so.
Floyd: It's okay. We were on a vacation high. If the whole world moved to their favorite vacation spots then the whole world would live in Hawaii and Italy and Cleveland.

Jack, angrily: Where have you been?
Liz, wistfully: Cleveland
Jack: For God's sake, Lemon, we'd all like to fly to the Cleve and club hop down at the Flats and have lunch with Little Richard, but we fight those urges because we have responsibilities.

Desmond is hot, but he should always have long hair, stubble and his shirt unbuttoned. Like at all times. It was interesting to see how he and Penny met, and why he calls everyone "brotha". And I just want to say thank God he does cuz that is hot. I knew he would end up saving Charlie. He's way too good of a man to have let him die. Hey Lost writers-you really didn't need to show the arrow through the throat 25 times. Message received: Charlie was going to die in the vision. No need to keep showing him gurgling on his own blood. So who the hell is that chick who parachuted onto the island?? Penny had to have sent her right? Holy cripes does this mean they are closer to getting rescued? Come find them, Penny!

Jin telling campfire stories in Korean may have been one of the funniest things I've seen on this show ever.

I'm going to need Kate and Sawyer to stop having sex. Although, it was nice to see she only did that because she was so upset and jealous about Jack and Juliet. I told you she loved him, you guys!! But I did love it when Sawyer said, "Do I need to make you a mix tape?" So effing funny. I caught some uneven writing-unusual for this show-when Sawyer gave Kate the Phil Collins Greatest Hits tape. Kate was not excited. Hello, writers! It's Phil Collins! Do you really expect us to believe Kate wouldn't be excited about that tape? Please. By the way, Kate's body is sick. When they showed her in her undies getting dressed in her tent, it almost turned me into a lesbian. I'm sorry but she is hot. My sister, Drew and I were all like, "Yeah I would make out with her."

Grey's Anatomy
Sometimes I wonder why I watch this show still. Then Bailey is on screen, and I'm like, "Oh yeah." That woman is amazing. I mean seriously I'm in awe of her every minute. Supportive of Derek and Meredith, supportive of crappy Izzie, brilliant, tough ("I know you didn't just demand something from me."). She's the best character on television.

Loved the scenes with Meredith and her step mom. Meredith was being such a bitch and rejecting anyone friendly as usual, and her stepmom did not quit until she won Meredith over. I loved it!! I also loved that Alex came down and saw all the groceries her stepmom bought and was like, "Is this for everyone?" Awesome. Men are always thinking about food. Okay so am I.

I also loved McSteamy helping the chief with women. Holy crap that was hilarious. When McSteamy was talking to that nurse and asking her if she was a jogger then he said, "Maybe you and I should go jogging some time." and the nurse giggled and turned red, I thought 'Yeah that's about right.' That man could probably get a woman to do anything. Especially me.

The scenes with Alex and Ava were heartbreaking. I knew those wouldn't end up being her parents. I cried like a baby when he had to tell her she didn't belong to them.

I started out really happy with how the George and Izzie thing was going because she was like, "So how are we going to handle this?" And he was basically like, "Handle what? Leave me alone." Awesome. And I was happy when Izzie had to leave the room in a wheelchair, and he said he would get someone else to do it. He was being responsible and a good husband. Then he came back. Ugh. Izzie is not more important than your wife, George. Also why are you lying to Callie? Just tell her what you were doing. You were helping out your friend. I'm quite sure Callie would understand if she knew the whole story. It's too bad the writers are writing Izzie and George the way they are lately. I used to adore Izzie, and now it's hard for me to work up any emotion for her because she's just such a bitch. I felt bad for her that her daughter didn't want to meet her, and-okay I'll admit it-I cried a little bit. But it's hard to feel sympathy for someone so selfish. I guess the reason I did is because giving up her daughter was actually unselfish of her. It was a glimpse of the Izzie I used to love. I cried more with the scenes with her and Bailey. Because as mentioned above, Bailey is awesome.

Grey's writers, stop the Izzie and George romance. Right. Now. It is gross.

P.S. Best line on Scrubs: Ted is staring at Dr. Kelso with absolutely no emotion. We hear his inside voice absolutely screaming, "Oh yeah! Suck it, bitch! I will murder you!" Pop came out of my nose.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Yes I took these pictures in Target

Dear Xavier Roberts, inventor of Cabbage Patch Kids,

What the fuck are you doing over there:

Punk rocker emo Cabbage Patch Kid? Does he come with his own eyeliner and backpack full of angst? Honestly. Get it together. Also what's up with freaky ass baby Cabbage Patch Kid:

Stop ruining my childhood.

P.S. After so much peer pressure to rename Blue iPod, I think I've decided to call him Hal after Lance Corporal Harold W. Dawson in "A Few Good Men" because then I can be all like, "Hal? Hal? Hhhaaaaallll???" in a panicked voice like Pfc Downey does in the courtroom scene. Scott does the best impression ever of that scene by the way. It makes me pee.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

My weekend's items of note

- Saw the most beautiful man I have ever seen in person at Gusto's in Little Italy. He was our waiter, and I actually physically did a double-take when he came to our table. When he would take your order he would stand kind of behind you and over your shoulder so when it was my turn I squeezed my boobs together for ultimate cleavage. Look I'm not proud, but it was all I had, people!!

- Went to the winery where the last time we were there, Steph informed our server that he was her lover. This time Becky asked our server if he had ever been to prison. His answer? "I've never been to prison, but I've been to jail." Huh? Apparently jail is like city jail-like if you get a DUI and you spend a night in the city jail. Once you head over to county to do some more serious time, you're in prison. Becky then asked, "Are the rumors true?" and then raised her eyebrows a couple time like, 'Get my drift?'. Not getting her drift, he just stared at her so she said, "Like...should you not drop the soap?" Finally understanding he said, "In city jail, don't worry about it. In county, you could have some problems." So that's a free lesson for all of you out there. Stay out of county jail. Other classy topics discussed at the winery included naked people in the gym locker room and people blow-drying their pubic hair. In the course of that second conversation it's possible that the use of a pick and Fantastic Sam's both came up, and I laughed so hard I almost choked on my wine and died.

- Went to a bar after the winery for "just 10 minutes" (2 hours) where Steph and the bartender began to flirt. Becky told me I had to be a good wingman and make sure Steph gave him her number. I became the world's greatest wingman when I gave the bartender her number. He asked her out for the next day. Then he became a giant creepazoid stalker and subsequently Sarah the Wingman was put on probation. I'm not to use my wingmanning skills for an undetermined length of time. Also you should know that Becky has washed her hands clean of any wrongdoing telling Steph that she thought bartender was coming on too strong. Et tu, Becky?

- Played our first football game and through some miracle, we won. Drew says it was his interception that turned the game around. Diane says it was her game winning touchdown. I say it was because Gordo threw the ball at my feet once, and I kicked it back at him.

- Met a guy who it turns out went to high school with Diane and I. We didn't remember him, and he didn't really remember us, but he did ask Diane, "Did you play sports?" Which is basically like saying, "Weren't you a lesbian?" Drew said, "Just once I want to run into someone you went to high school with who says, 'Weren't you that hot cheerleader?'" This guy, Garrett, is amazing. He is an artist. You should go to his website and buy stuff from him. He gave us his business card which is an awesome CD mix of some of his favorite songs with soundbytes from movies like Back to the Future, Sixteen Candles and Office Space in between. Can you say greatest business card ever? Seriously go to his website.

- Went out with my friend Sudha who has lived in New York City for about 7 years and listened to him bitch about having to walk 4 blocks. 7 years, Sudha. 7 years.

- Watched "Eight Below" and cried for two hours straight which then gave me a migraine that lasted for 12 hours. Eff you, dog movies. Eff all of you.

This morning
- Followed an Acura Vigor whose driver drove with absolutely none of the promised vigor. Blue iPod, sensing my rage, played the theme songs from Perfect Strangers and The Jefferson's to soothe me.

So...what'd you guys do this weekend? Anybody pick their pubic hair? Please don't say yes.

Friday, April 13, 2007

See me talk about more than just TV. But then also TV.

Note to self: Maybe going on and on about how jealous you are of your dad that he doesn't have to go to work anymore isn't the best idea when you are talking to your boss' boss and the senior vice president of your entire department. It doesn't really shout "committed to my job" quite like you think it does.

Note to Joe Francis: Karma's a bitch.

Russ asked for my reaction to this article, "50 Things She Wishes You Knew: Universal truths that all men should--but don't--understand". I have to say in all honesty, the author is right on for most of this. However, like I do for most things in life, I have some comments (in green):

10. I get turned on simply seeing that I have an e-mail from you. Turned on? That's a little misleading. I'm in a cubicle for most of the day. I don't get turned on in a cubicle. However, getting an email from a guy I like does make me happy, and it's hard to stop smiling. But it's difficult to get turned on when you are sitting 10 feet away from someone with a "Don't talk to me until I've had my first cup of coffee!" mug.

15. Oral sex is your get-out-of-the-doghouse-free card. Manolo Blahnik shoes also do the trick. So do Salt & Vinegar Pringles. And cooking me dinner.

24. If I slept over, you owe me breakfast money.

26. If you ask me out directly, I will say yes. Oh come on, lady. This is bullshit, and you know it.

30. I want to be Madonna. This may have been true in 1987. Now I want to be Hilary Duff.

31. Women get urinary-tract infections easily, so watch (and wash) your fingers. For the author: Gross? For the men: Seriously wash your hands after you pee. We've talked about this.

41. I love it when you're sweaty. Except for your pit stains.

42. It's best to consult your gal pals for gift ideas. But if you call your female friends "gal pals" you and I have bigger problems.

44. I like porn. And by porn I mean McSteamy in an impossibly tiny bath towel.

45. I love holding your bum in the palms of my hands. But he's starting to get heavy and he smells like cheap wine. Ooh-obvious joke. Shame on me.

Okay, guys, is there any doubt left that Juliet is a lying whore? Seriously. Huge surprise that the whole thing was a plan for her to infiltrate the group. As if it wasn't completely obvious last week. JACK, YOU ARE AN EFFING MORON. I'm so sick of this chick getting all the screen time while our original Losties are just bit players now. Can we get some more Sun and Jin, please? Where the hell is Rose and Bernard? I don't have time for this Juliet bullcrap. It's not like we're actually going to learn anything from her because as previously mentioned once or twice-lying whore.

So many gag me moments on Wednesday.

Jack: Leave her alone. She's under my protection. GAG

Jack: You're one of us. GAG

Jack and Juliet making googly eyes at each other while she's putting up her tent. GAAAAAAAAG.

Look I actually started to feel bad for her this episode. Clearly she's not inherently a bad person. She's being kept prisoner on this island without any contact with her family and was given an impossible task as her only hope of going home (healing those women who keep losing their babies). But all that means is that she is desperate to leave and will do absolutely anything to get the hell off that island which makes her extremely dangerous. She doesn't care who she hurts. She just wants to go home. Part of me honestly can understand it. The other part of me is like, "Yeah kill off the whore."

Will she throw our Losties-and Jack's heart-under the bus? Or will she decide that truly becoming a part of them is her best chance at going home? Who knows. But for now she needs to get out of my face.

Also in the previews Kate's making out with Sawyer. Sarah. Not. Happy.

The Office
Holy cripes. First of all I love that Jim and Pam were bonding again. Also I'm so happy Andy is back and is unsuccessfully trying to get people to call him Drew. Ed Helms is brilliant. Dwight shunning him is even more brilliant. Especially when anytime he has something to say to him he says, "Unshun". Flipping fantastic. Toby discussing the dangers of carpal tunnel and eye strain was priceless. And I seriously can't believe Michael called that Madge lady Pudge. I loved all the betting that was going on especially when Ryan got Kelly to explain how Netflix works. And additionally how in the same conversation Pam won money because Kelly said "awesome" 12 times, and Jim won because she mentioned 6 romantic comedies. Honestly I can't deal with how genius this writing is. Don't even get me started on Stanley's car with the watermelon. Jesus H. I think I pulled something in my stomach I was laughing so hard. I love Michael, "Find out who's car that is. If it's Stanley's call the offices of James P. Albini. See if he handles hate crimes."

Other highlights:

- Replacing Creed's apple with a potato and he doesn't even notice

- Dwight: Unshun. I need a favor.
Andy: Anything.
Dwight: Calm down.

- Jim: Dwight says that he doesn't know one single thing about bears.
Dwight: No. Tell him bears can climb faster than they can run. Jim!
Jim: Andy... It's too far.
Dwight: Damn you.

- Dwight, you ignorant slut.

- Darryl: It takes courage just to be you. To get out of bed every single day knowing full well you gotta be you.

- Darryl: You braveheart, man.
Michael: I braveheart.

- Michael: I saved a life. My own. Am I a hero? I really can't say. But yes.

And the best line on 30 Rock:

Jack to Liz: Lemon, I'm going to kiss your boyfriend on the mouth.

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

I accidentally cross dressed.

Oh you guys. So much to talk about.

1. The underwear I wore yesterday was not designed for the human form. Let's just say I went on a couple more digging expeditions than I had planned for. I threw this one up here first to make everyone uncomfortable right off the bat.

2. Merry Christmas! Oh it's April 10th, you say, and not the end of December? Then how come it's an effing winter wonderland outside. Is it ever going to stop snowing ever!?

3. Special message for the new girl at Boston Market: I loved you in Mean Girls. You were so funny when you tried to predict the weather with your boobs. Oh that wasn't you? Well you're as dumb as that girl so you could see why I got confused. Look, I don't mean to be rude, but this job isn't that hard. I tell you I want chicken and you tell the guy standing behind you that I want chicken. Then I say I want vegetables and macaroni and cheese, and you literally just put those things on the plate. I know you know what macaroni and cheese is. Come on, sweetheart. Just put the mac and cheese on the plate. You don't need to look at your coworker. I know you can do this. Just put it on the plate. Seriously give me the fucking mac and cheese.

4. Ryan Reynolds, what the fuck is this? Nothing about this is okay. Step away from the pointy face, darlin'. Why do you have the worst taste in women?

5. All I have to say is if you are not watching "30 Rock" you are a goddamn moron. Thursday night I almost blew a blood vessel when I saw Will Arnett in that short bathrobe "that he cut himself". Then when he, a gay man, told Alec Baldwin, "You're goin' down." and Alec Baldwin said, "I don't do that." I died and went to heaven. Seriously this show is brilliant.

6. I hope everyone who celebrates it had a nice Easter. Mine was very nice especially when while in line at brunch this older lady walked by, tripped and fell and smashed her face into the corner of a table. No effing lie. It was horrifying. But even more horrifying was the annoying lady who got up in her face and started yelling-nay screaming-for ice and telling her to lay on her back with her knees up (wtf). Turns out the lady did not smash her face even though she was holding it like she did. She hit her arm and was trying to stand up and the crazy lady was in her face literally screaming, "Can you just sit for me. Just sit up. Don't try to get up. WE NEED ICE!!! You're just embarassed right now but you shouldn't be!! We've all done this!!!" I'm using an inordinate amount of exclamation points, but it still doesn't convey just how loud this lady was. The lady who fell was just like, "I don't want ice. I'm fine. Can you just help me up please?" "YOU'LL GET A BRUISE IF YOU DON'T HAVE ICE!!! DON'T BE EMBARASSED!!!" Okay look, loud lady, no one here is embarassed, but maybe you should be.

7. I just found out yesterday that one time on his way to Tucson for a business trip, my dad had to watch "The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" on the plane. Holy eff how funny is that image. He goes, "That movie sucked." I was like, "I don't really think you were their target demographic, Dad. But didn't you learn a lot about friendship and love?" He was not amused.

8. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DADDY!! (It was yesterday.)

9. On Saturday I was the designated driver which has happened twice now in the last, oh, 30 years of my life. I felt it was my duty and obligation to my friends to make sure they had a safe ride home with someone who was a capable driver. So I volunteered, and I ended up driving up and over a curb which I thought was a driveway. Next time I will just drive them drunk. They might be better off.

10. Holy cripes The Office was so funny. So so so so funny. During the opening scene right after Dwight pepper sprayed Roy and they are interviewing him and he's saying, "I've been waiting years to do that. Am I a hero? No." while crying and blinking uncontrollably I almost died from choking to death. I couldn't believe all the weapons he kept velcroed underneath his desk. Nunchucks!? Angela asking everyone to tell her the story and totally getting turned on was brilliant. Creed's version of the story was freaking fantastic. I love how Angela's like, "You're usless." and, unphased, Creed just turns back to his crossword puzzle. Honestly I couldn't deal with this line: "I accidentally cross dressed." Has there been a funnier line on this show ever? I LOVE that Darryl got a lot of screen time in this episode. He is hysterical. He kept interrupting the meeting to call his friends and he took a picture of Michael in his suit and of Michael's paycheck to send to people. It's so great when he teaches Michael black phrases just to eff with him. Kelly and Ryan were awesome with all their arguing. I wanted to kill myself after 30 seconds. Nobody plays the put upon schmuck better than Toby, though. I love how he's like, "No I don't think Michael put me back there with Ryan and Kelly just to punish me. But if he That's genius." Also how excited was he when Michael and Jan were negotiating for his raise, and he's like, "This is really going to be a groundbreaking harassment case when it goes to trial-which it inevitably will." I love Jim's face when he walks out of the bathroom and sees Dwight and Angela making out. He's completely and utterly freaked out. I wonder if that's how he and Pam will bond again because they are both the only ones who know. Oh boy-it was so awkward with them. It made me want to cry. I don't blame him for being mad at her. She really kind of screwed him with that Roy thing. But it really looks like it's over now, huh? Roy's gone. Bye, Roy. You were cute, but then you became a psycho. I'm glad you apologized to Jim. You're not a complete ass. Seriously, you guys, I knew I missed this show, but I had no idea how much. And this episode was stellar. Who makes that suit? Miss Terious.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Juliet must go

Lost spoilers!

First of all, what the hell is up with Locke? He was so mean to Kate last night! Do you think he's joined the ranks of The Others? I mean I guess it would make sense. They love the island an unnatural amount, and so does he. But man what's up with all the judgement bestowed upon Kate? Easy, Locke.

The storyline with Hurley and Sawyer was fantastic. I love the line where Sawyer smiles at Sun and Jin and they walk away and he says, "Well I'm not going to get the Korean vote." Sawyer trying to be nice was so awkward and hilarious. "Your baby doesn't look as wrinkly as he did a few weeks ago." That's the compliment he chooses to make. How can you not love this man completely? And when he finds out Hurley was conning him, he says, "That's the lamest con ever." I happen to think their relationship is one of the most fun to watch on this show. And such a great point was made with that whole storyline-in stressful situations, leaders don't choose to be leaders. People just emerge as leaders. For some reason they possess personality traits that draw people to them or that command the respect and attention of the people around them. You never really know if it would be you who would emerge as a leader in that situation. Well, I mean I know for sure it wouldn't be me. There's no way anyone would look to the girl who was drinking all the mini bottles of alcohol from the plane and singing 80's music for leadership. But I mean maybe it would be you.

By the way, what is the most unbelievable part of this show? The hardest thing to digest? Is it the smoke monster? The van that started by miracle alone? The dead relatives roaming the jungle? No. It's none of those things. It's that Hurley has lost absolutely no weight at all. In fact he might even be getting bigger. Come on! Let's get real here, people. They've been on the island for 3 months. He would have at least dropped 20 lbs by now. Are we to believe he stays heavy on a diet of jungle fruit and wild boar? Yes they got food from the hatch, but it has to feed all of them. Not just Hurley.

Okay so when the hell is Juliet going to get out of my face!? She is so horrible and manipulative and always has a goddamn smirk on her face like she knows everything. I hate her! Plus she is getting in the way of Kate and Jack and that is not okay! What about when she pulled the key to the handcuffs out of her pocket? Whore. And when she was like, "Okay so we do know about the smoke monster, but we don't know what it is. We just know it doesn't like our gates." As if they didn't build the gates expressly for keeping out the smoke monster. Lying whore. Seriously does she ever stop lying ever? When Kate pulled her arm out of the socket, I was screaming, "Hell yeah!" Then when she apologized, I was like, "Nuh-uh, Kate. You do not apologize to her!" Honestly I yell this stuff out loud at my television. It's really annoying watching TV with me.

Jack, I love you, but how effing dumb are you right now? Juliet was not abandoned by her people. She was "left behind" on purpose to infiltrate the group. They used her because you have a soft spot for her, and they knew you'd force the group to accept her. It's SO OBVIOUS! I cannot wait till the group figures out that she's betraying them, and they kill her dead. When they showed the previews for next week and she said, "If I tell you everything, they'll kill me." and Sayid said, "What do you think I'll do if you don't?", I was like, 'DO IT, SAYID!!' Man I hate her so much. By the way, Sayid is one badass mofo. I mean seriously.

P.S. Lost writers, nice move having Kate and Whoriet fall into the mud pit. Could it be more obvious that was for all the guys watching? I could not stop laughing.

P.P.S. You guys, one of my other life missions besides the aforementioned one of getting NKOTB on VH1 Storytellers, is to get everyone in the entire world watching "Friday Night Lights". I am not kidding when I say television almost doesn't get as good as this show. It's perfectly cast, perfectly acted and perfectly written. It's smart, funny, heartwrenching, exciting, happy, honest-it's just so unbelievably real. And it's always good for at least one feelgood moment that is so feelgood it's like the universe is hugging you and telling you everything is going to be okay. They're the kind of moments that happen subtly in real life-the ones that take you by surprise like encouragement from someone unexpected or a look of forgiveness from a friend. This show is full of them, and each one is more beautiful than the next because like real life, they are sprinkled within the parts where everyone's just trying to get by. Not only that, but it has the most perfect theme song, it has Kyle Chandler who is amazing and who they try to make look like a normal guy but fail miserably because he is so beautiful, pretty girls (for the guys out there), and Matt Saracen who is easily one of the sweetest and most endearing characters on television. All that and football. It really just doesn't get better than that.

P.P.P.S. Juliet's a whore.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Please don't go, Joey. Seriously please don't.

So I debated whether or not to blog about what we did last night. But that lasted for all of about 30 seconds because it was so awesome that I must share it with the world. We went to a concert last night. Not just any concert. We went to see Joey McIntyre. That's right, gang. The cutest New Kid ever.

When my sister found out about the concert, I literally couldn't say yes fast enough. It's not that I know any of his new music because I don't. But I would pay money to see Joey McIntyre stand on stage reading Marmaduke if I meant I got to see Joey McIntyre. Plus unlike other child stars, he is still hot. And, I mean, it's Joey McIntyre.

The concert was at the House of Blues in the Cambridge room. It's a small room which means everyone is pretty close. We were about 15 feet from the stage just waiting for him, and when he came out...holy crap I don't even know if I can describe it. My inner 13 year old was absolutely losing her shit. In fact, I think it's safe to say she, and therefore I, were completely paralyzed for the first 10 minutes. Seventeen years ago I sat in the upper deck of the Coliseum with my binoculars trying to get a glimpse of "my future husband", and now here he was only 15 feet from me. It was so surreal. I almost couldn't look directly at him for a few minutes. My eyes had to adjust to the fact that someone who played such a big role in the dreams of my youth was so close I could've said, "Hey what's up?" in a normal speaking voice, and he could say, "Hi there-how's it going."

As you can imagine, the crowd consisted of almost the exact same crowd that would've attended a New Kids concert in 1990. Girls who were 13 the first time around and are now 30ish and yet still acting like they are 13 when Joey McIntyre is around. I would say that 99% of the room were people my exact age give or a take two years. Then there were two older ladies behind us who maybe were moms who took their kids to the concert in 1990. That's it.

Maybe the biggest difference between this crowd and the 1990 crowd was that this time there were more guys. Including our friend Paul who came with us and his wife Jen. Our waiter at dinner asked how he got sucked into going, but truth be told, Paul bought the tickets. I asked another guy there if he was there as a supportive boyfriend or if he really liked Joey, and he said he liked Joey and he loved the New Kids back in the day. I think it's wonderful that the boys who claimed to hate them in junior high are now feeling secure enough with themselves to admit they like the New Kids now. Come on boys, I know there are more of you out there. Don't be afraid. Although there was one guy that needed to dial it down a notch. He came in in a New Kids jacket absolutely covered in pins. Remember those pins, girls? Yeah-covered in them. We made a lot of fun of him, and then we saw the jacket was signed by Jordan Knight so I kind of wanted to steal it. But he was holding onto it for dear life so that didn't pan out. He yelled, "Yeah Joey!" a freaking lot. I didn't even yell "Yeah Joey". I'm just saying.

Sidenote: 80% of the crowd was completely and utterly obnoxious. Is that how it was 20 years ago? Maybe it was, and I didn't notice because I, too, was annoying, as all junior high girls are. But I noticed last night. Holy cripes. Listen, ladies, yes he's amazing and beautiful, but you're not 13 anymore. Stop acting like a bunch of jackasses. Except for the girl who yelled "Take it off!" the very first time he tried to get serious and talk to us. That was pretty effing sweet.

As for the concert, well he really does have a nice voice. I mean sooo much better than 20 years ago. I think it's because he's fully completed the puberty process now. But seriously I am not just saying this because you know I would be honest with you: he has a beautiful voice. Also he is really funny and made a lot of jokes. He came out wearing a hat. I have no idea what the type of hat is called, but it's like the hats they used to wear in gangster movies. Diane immediately turned to us and said, "Do you think that hat has a top on it?" Which if you were a huge fan you understand:

Also he was wearing tight pants which TOTALLY showed off his package. Jen and I spent a lot of the concert in awe. Joey, I definitely did not notice that when I was 13. Well done. I guess his last album was a bunch of cover songs from back in the day. Like Nat King Cole, Frank Sinatra, etc. So that's mostly what he sang which I was kind of glad for because I like that music, and I don't know any of his original stuff. Okay that's a lie-I have his "Stay the Same" album, but I only know like two songs on it-I swear. At one point he told a story about him and Donnie-something they used to do when they were touring-and the crowd went absolutely nuts. It made me realize what my life goal now is: to get the New Kids on VH1 Storytellers.

Then as I sat there on my high horse silently judging all the girls around me for being so embarassingly immature, he sang "Please Don't Go Girl", and I morphed from a snooty old lady into a screaming, sweaty pre-teen. You guys, I can say without a shred of sarcasm that that was one of the best things I've witnessed in a long time. I don't think it had so much to do with the actual song (even though it's awesome) as much as it was recapturing something from my youth that has been long gone.

Before I came down from the adrenaline-please-don't-go-girl high and after Joey made fun of his pre-pubescent high voice from when he was a New Kid (seriously it was hilarious), he decided to GO OUT INTO THE CROWD. You guys, he came right in front of us. He was a foot away. Twelve freaking inches! I could've reached out and touched him. I mean I could have if New Kids jacket guy wasn't in front of us screaming like a schoolgirl. I was trying to keep it together, but afterwards I turned to Paul and said, "I just lost my fucking mind." It was insane. Seventeen years ago I would've killed someone and hidden the body to get that close to him. Last night I considered it with New Kids jacket guy, but I refrained. Squirt, seriously look how close he was to us:

Other pictures:

Hi I'm hot

Diane gave me the camera once, and I took like 75 pictures in under 5 minutes. Then I took this one, and she took the camera away from me:

I'm pretty sure he is singing to me here:

I said it in 1989, and I'll say it today: I LOVE YOU, JOEY!!

P.S. Squirt, you would've crapped your pants.

Sunday, April 01, 2007

My ass is stuck to the chair

It is 9:30pm on Sunday. I am heading into my 13th straight hour of working today. I'm trying to think of something clever to post, but my brain is mush. I just tried to have a conversation with my sister, and I think all I got out was "I'm going to kill someone." So, um, how about this picture of the bullshit they try to pass as ketchup in my new building:

Perhaps I'll start my killing spree with the person who decided to order this instead of the real stuff.

P.S. Look at this picture of my dog. There is no way he could possibly be more awesome.