Well I am currently getting ready for the worst holiday ever. This year will be interesting and sad because it will be the first time in a long time that I'm not with my sister. However, I will be with some hot single ladies and my friend Squirt who at our 10 year reunion ran around telling every single boy I ever had a crush on that I used to have a crush on them so I know it will be fun. Plus I am wearing a shirt that is so cleavage-baring that when I tried it on, I could hear my father crying somewhere in the distance. It is definitely putting me out of my comfort range, but whatever. The ladies need to breathe.
By the way, while I'm writing this song I have the 90's music channel playing on my TV, and "Justify My Love" by Madonna is on right now. Remember that? Seriously what the hell is up with this song. It is not good.
Tomorrow I leave for Florida, obviously, because what else do people do on New Year's Day? Diane, Drew and I are flying out to meet my parents who are already there. I'll have my crackberry with me, though, so I can keep you up to date on all the old people who try to give me hard candy.
I hope everyone has a wonderful New Year's, and I sincerely hope that 2008 brings you every happiness. Above all, my New Year's wish for you is to go out and buy or rent season one of "Friday Night Lights" and sit down and watch the whole thing. Then when you realize it is the greatest show ever, watch season two by any means possible and write to NBC and tell them it's the greatest show ever. And I mean that from the heart, you guys. Kisses.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Well I am currently getting ready for the worst holiday ever. This year will be interesting and sad because it will be the first time in a long time that I'm not with my sister. However, I will be with some hot single ladies and my friend Squirt who at our 10 year reunion ran around telling every single boy I ever had a crush on that I used to have a crush on them so I know it will be fun. Plus I am wearing a shirt that is so cleavage-baring that when I tried it on, I could hear my father crying somewhere in the distance. It is definitely putting me out of my comfort range, but whatever. The ladies need to breathe.
Thursday, December 27, 2007
This is just like Castaway except without the hunting, the volleyball and lack of storyline. Yeah I did.
I don't want to alarm anyone, but I am literally the only person ON MY ENTIRE FLOOR right now. There is a very real chance I will go crazy by the end of the day. My first order of business? Figure out how to play my iPod through my computer so I can have a one woman dance party.
Monday, December 24, 2007
A couple weeks ago I volunteered to be a in a cookie exchange at work. That means you make a dozen cookies for each person who takes part in it, and they do the same then you all exchange. There were 7 people in the exchange including me so I had to make 6 dozen cookies. Volunteered, you guys. What was I thinking? I don't make cookies. I don't make anything. Why did I say I would do this?
I wrote my mom for her No Bake cookie recipe which requires no in-and-out-of-the-oven movements, and when she gave it to me she asked me why I needed it. I explained how apparently I had suffered from a moment of temporary insanity and volunteered to make cookies that other people would actually have to eat, and she was like, "Oh that sounds fun." A couple days later this happened:
A phone rings.
Me, answering: Hello?
My mom: Hey, honey. What day are you making those cookies?
My mom: Okay I'm going to come over.
Me, protesting: Mom! I can do it!
My mom, totally fake: No I know! You can do totally do this. I'm just going to come over and watch you. I mean, there's nothing to them, but I think I should be around.
With that vote of confidence, I went out to buy my ingredients last Saturday ready to show my mom that I could do this on my own. Less than a minute after getting to the store, I had to call her to find out where they kept the walnuts.
When she came over we began making them, and she really did just stand there and watch me do them. I was glad, though, because I could quickly identify several points in the cooking process where I would've completely freaked out on my own. Then my mom told me the story of how her grandmother taught her mother how to make these and then her mother had in turn taught her. It was really kind of cool to be a part of that, mothers and daughters bonding, and suddenly the cookies really became larger and more important than what they really were-they were my family history. As I was reflecting on this point and feeling the spirit of my grandma and great grandma before me, my mom, clearly trying to search for the right words to say at this poignant moment said, "Besides. It's time...I mean you...really need to.........learn how to cook. Anything."
P.S. Speaking of cookies, this past Saturday was another family bonding over cookies moment when we made my mom's famous cutout cookies and decorated them. I really felt the Christmas spirit, especially when my dad did this to the angel:
As Drew then said, "That angel has a SWEET rack!"
P.P.S. MERRY CHRISTMAS! I hope everyone has an amazing holiday filled with family and love and hot chocolate and Christmas movies and X-rated baked goods! If you don't celebrate Christmas, have a fantastic December 25th, and you know what? I think you should enjoy some X-rated baked goods, too.
Thursday, December 20, 2007
Here is a rundown of my day yesterday:
8:30am - Get call from John asking me when I'll be in so we can go to Starbucks. Turns out we are entering downtown at the same time so I drive down to his parking spot 7200 miles away to drive him up to our building.
9:00am - John and I go to Starbucks.
9:24am - Back at my desk, reading E!Online. [Ed. note: Jamie Lynn Spears! Pregnant! 16 years old! WTF!?]
10:00am - Call into 10am meeting. Am one of two participants. I cancel the meeting.
10:03am - Seriously Jamie Lynn Spears is totally a teenage pregnancy statistic.
10:20am - Go buy pop. Walk up to John's desk. Watch funny videos, draw things on his white board including this:
11:05am - Back at my desk, I email the above picture to people as proof that John and Scott are in love.
11:12am - Yay! Someone calls with something for me to do.
11:37am - Defamer.com
11:49am - It's go time for lunch.
12:10pm - Keith and I explain our Male Personality Continuum model that he, John and I came up with at happy hour Tuesday. It's awesome. Essentially it's a range from Jock to Nerd with overlap. All the cool people tend to fall in the middle, overlapped area. On either end, there is the risk that you will fall off of the continuum into the Douche area. One day I will draw it for you. Scott tries to change our model to a grid. He is wrong.
12:30pm - Keith almost insults "Back to the Future" but catches the flash of violence in my eyes and backs off.
12:54pm - Am I seriously back at my desk? This sucks.
1:05pm - Tony Parker totally cheated on Eva Longoria, right? I mean who are we kidding here.
1:12pm - Should I get bangs? I haven't had bangs since I was 14.
1:16pm - It seems like Sarah Michelle Gellar hasn't been in a lot recently.
1:19pm - Kill me.
2:00pm - Conference call.
2:15pm - Play Skeeball and pool with Scott and John. Suck at pool. A lot.
2:47pm - Go to Scott's desk and get cookies from his wife. Awesome.
2:52pm - Back at my desk.
3:00pm - Watch upcoming movie trailers. The new "Rambo" movie looks exactly like previous "Rambo" movies just with a really old Rambo. Where the hell is Matthew Fox? I heard he was in this movie.
3:03pm - What the hell is "Cloverfield"? I just peed my pants watching the trailer.
3:14pm - Rapid-fire emails to and from friends about what to do on New Year's Eve. I hate New Year's Eve.
3:27pm - Seriously. Kill me.
4:00pm - Work call! I am useful again.
4:11pm - Usefulness over.
4:27pm - Start shutting down. Enter in PTO time into our timecard system. Fuck it up. Have to call an 800 number.
4:46pm - No one is answering. Pack up and go home.
7:30pm - Matt, Steph and I barhop.
11:00pm - Close down the last bar we go to where we share a pitcher of daiquiris and Steph surveys the staff about the effectiveness of her new pickup line. I start to seriously wonder if my drinking problem has resurfaced. 5 out of the last 7 days. I'm just saying.
11:35pm -Pass out on couch.
3:57am - Wake up on couch and blog. Realize my blog sucks total ass and wonder why the 3 people left reading it are still reading it. Suspect it has something to do with the fact that I used to have a tail.
4:30am - I promise I'll post something better tomorrow.
Wednesday, December 19, 2007
Another reason why my new job is awesome: these people love to drink. I have been to happy hour 3 out of the 4 last business days. On Thursday at happy hour a vendor tried to motorboat me. On Friday I crashed John and Scott's happy hour-and stayed 2 hours longer than they did. Yesterday John and I decided another happy hour was in order. Let me just say that this group + Christmas = drinking all the time = best thing ever.
Sadly Friday I really did stay at the boys' happy hour 2 hours longer than they did. I couldn't help it. I was having too much fun. Then I drove out to Tremont to meet my girls where I promptly drank 2 martinis and led an all out verbal assault on their senses. I mean I really didn't stop talking for 2 straight hours after I arrived. The reason we were out was to show how grown up and sophisticated we were by going on the Tremont Art Walk. All the art galleries and shops in the area stay open late, and you walk around and look at it all while drinking free wine-like an adult. Not like how I normally drink it (by the gallon). We made it to roughly 2 galleries before we completely gave up the idea of the art walk and just went barhopping. It was fantastic. We made friends with a married couple and their brother/brother-in-law and made them come with us to another bar.
A random sampling of things that happened there:
- We called Matt to meet us and when he got there he found me walking around in front of the bar aimlessly. And when I looked at him the first time, I had no idea who he was.
- We were the only ones dancing at the bar. The bar without a dance floor, I might add.
- New friend smacked my ass while I was on the phone with my mom.
- Steph asked the bartender to shake his ass for $7. When he said he hadn't had enough to drink yet, Diane offered to pitch in more money.
Seriously you guys should come work here. See if you can get hired quickly because there is another happy hour tomorrow night. Also tomorrow night: Girls' Christmas. You can read about previous Girls' Christmases here and here.
Friday, December 14, 2007
Somebody please tell me why for the last three nights I have watched "The Nanny" on fucking Lifetime television. Do I hate myself that much? Or am I just that lazy that once "Golden Girls" is over, I can't be bothered to change the channel? How did that show ever get greenlighted in the first place? And if you ever end up in the seventh circle of hell and have to watch it, pay attention to Fran Drescher. She is so obviously looking at cue cards.
On a happier note my lovely, adorable, charming Lee Pace and his perfect show "Pushing Daisies" got nominated for Golden Globes. If they don't win, I will strike. I mean that seems like it works pretty well seeing as the writer's strike has only been going on for over a month, and all it's managed to accomplish is ruining my life. Okay that may be a slight overreaction. But not really.
P.S. I just got to work like 20 minutes ago. New job=awesome.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
Incidentally, I think I have some insight into my proclivity for hurting myself in the kitchen. This weekend while getting ready for her annual Christmas party, my mom was moving a hot pot of soup. Something happened where the pot got stuck and my mom kept moving. This created a tidal wave in the soup which spilled out of the pot all over my mom's arm.
Two hours later my mom had to leave her own party to go to Urgicare with 2nd degree burns. Her arm was covered in huge blisters, and now she keeps having to go in to have it redressed and she's on heavy painkillers. Monday the doctor said, "You probably won't need skin grafts.". My mom was like, "Umm...skin grafts? Was that even an option?".
So you see, you guys, it's really my mom's fault that I am a clutz in the kitchen. The only thing is my mom is a great cook. I think I will blame my dad for my lack of cooking skills. Let's see-I've been cleared of all responsibility in this Foreman Grill matter, right? Okay my work here is done.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Thirty-one wasn't nearly as big an emotional rollercoaster as thirty was. In fact, I barely even thought about the number at all. As usual, my family and friends made my birthday amazing. My parents took me out for dinner at a really nice restaurant where I spent the entire time talking about how I was going to branch out from the norm and order Boston scrod then I got steak. Because honestly why wouldn't you get steak unless you are a person who makes no sense.
I was showered with amazing and plentiful presents because I am spoiled. One of the best presents I received was when John and I were leaving our building. See there are turnstiles. Not like regular turnstiles where you push through and the arms turn. It's just one arm that goes up and down. I will do my best to draw it:
So to get into the building we put our key card onto the card reader. If we have access the arm goes down and we can pass through. On the way out of the building, you don't have to use your key card. You just walk up and a sensor senses you are there and the arm goes down allowing you to pass through. Usually if you follow someone out the arm will stay down, and you can just go right out. John followed me out and right after I walked through I heard a grunty "Oh!" and turned around to see John clearly caught in mid-step with the turnstile arm buried in his crotch. Apparently as he tried to walk through, the turnstile thought it would be hilarious to come up real fast and hit him right in the package. And also trap him there.
I can honestly say that in 31 years of life on this planet, I have rarely, if ever, seen something so. gdamn. funny. I instantly couldn't breathe. I almost dropped everything I was carrying I was laughing so hard. The security guard yelled out, "WHOA! Man I did that before! I was on the ground! Sue [name of company]!" All I kept thinking was, '1-I can't believe the security guard and I are the only ones seeing this right now and 2-Holy crap he is totally stuck.' He was stuck there for what had to be at least a full minute until the arm finally released his genitals. I laughed almost uncontrollably for the next 15 minutes as we walked up to my car to drop off our stuff. As we walked over to the bar for happy hour. And as we sat there having our first drink. It was seriously the greatest thing ever.
This is the best I can do to show you what happened since I was laughing too hard to even think about taking out my camera phone:
I told my friends that we shouldn't celebrate this particular birthday. I had such a big party last year, and I thought we should just leave the celebrating to those who weren't over the big 3-0. So obviously my girlfriends took me out Friday night, wouldn't let me pay for my own dinner and then forced me at gunpoint to drink like 4 martinis. And by "at gunpoint" I mean "I really wasn't forced into anything". Chocolate mint martinis make Sarah happy. Also a 22 year old boy told me I was "crazy cool". When he and his buddy who were hitting on us realized we were only slightly older than them (stop laughing) this is what he said, "Well we've all been working hard all week and hey, whether you're 21 to 35, you still deserve to drink, right?" At that point Sharda said, "Um exactly how long have you been working?" And he said, "Since Monday." Then I read him a story and put him to bed with a glass of milk. Because seriously. I probably work with his mom, and we are best friends.
On Saturday, a joint party was thrown for me and Bob whose birthday was December 9th. Bob turned 29, but I think more people wished me a happy 29th than they did him. That's how awesome my friends are. I wasn't even allowed to buy any drinks. Not that I needed to. I was kept well stocked with vodka and white Russians and shots of Bailey's. Plus my sister's future sister-in-law (got that?) gave me a corsage and danced an Irish jig. Yeah. Amazing. I think the best part about the party, besides having all my friends there, was that I was not the drunkest person there. Not by a long shot. At least three people threw up-none of them me. Thanks, friends who were bigger drunks than me!
Sunday was Decorate Aloyd's house day, and it was amazing. He bought us wine, and I bought us pizza and we put up all his decorations, took videos of ourselves (including one where I thought Drew was just taking a picture so I was just staring at the camera creepily smiling for like 15 seconds) and watched "Christmas Vacation". I think we achieved our goal of bringing the Christmas spirit into Aloyd's house…and his heart (this is something Doogie Howser would write in his computer journal at the end of the show. I can hear the theme song in my head. Worst. Theme song. Ever.)
Sunday night as I lay on my couch letting my hangover catch up with me, my mind wandered to how amazing my life is that I have a family who spoils me rotten and still makes me take pictures holding up my birthday presents as I open them and friends who refuse to let my birthday go by without celebrating it. I am one incredibly lucky person.
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
It's the night before my birthday, but I thought I'd give all of you a gift seeing as I have been a lousy blogger recently. You might remember me reluctantly admitting that in high school, I had a tail. A tail coming from behind my right ear. 'Sarah, how does that even happen?', you're probably asking yourself right now. Here's how that happens. Right before 9th grade, six of your friends decide it would be totally sweet to have a tail coming from behind one of your ears, so since you are planning on getting your long hair cut to shoulder length and because at age 14 you will pretty much do anything to fit in, you get one, too. And then your mom cries. So when you first get the tail, it's not that big of a deal because everyone else has them, too.
Here's where things fall apart for someone who doesn't know when to let go of a fad (me). By the next year, everyone has gotten rid of their tail-except you. Yours has grown into one beautiful specimen of a tail that you not only painstakingly braid every other day but also add colored beads at the bottom of because why not take this thing as far as it can go. Before you know it, the tail is down to your belly button, and it is the summer before your junior year in high school.
Yes-I kept the tail for 2 full years. Looking back, I think that there's absolutely no way that's correct, but it's true. I think I am just trying to block it out. As I said, before my junior year I decided it was time for the tail to go. This time my mom cried tears of joy. Before I cut it off, though, I obviously took some pictures of it so that one day I could post them on the web to gross out the Internet.
Here you go. Happy Birthday.
This one's a little hard to see. So I circled it for you. What's that? Oh you're admiring my Tasmanian Devil sweatshirt? Well it was the 90's, and I was a complete dork. Here's a close up of the tail-sans beads:
These will be some good memories for my parents on the anniversary of the day of my birth. I have to think that when you have a baby you probably look at him or her and think only of the promise they hold. And you probably ask yourself questions like Will she be tall? Will she be smart? Will she be funny? Will she love sports or the arts or science? Will she be kind to others and have a good heart? Will she have a tail? Luckily for my parents, they know the answer to that last question. And the first one. I am pretty tall.
Tuesday, December 04, 2007
Friday was Seriously Family Shopping Day. My sister, my parents and I are dorks who take one day off every holiday season, and we go shopping all day. It's awesome. Within the first 2 hours of shopping we had accomplished so much-namely getting hot chocolate, going into JC Penny's and standing around for 20 minutes and eating lunch.
Fifteen minutes before we were meeting my dad, sister and Drew for dinner, my mom and I were sitting at Borders going over everything we still needed to buy. Also I was playing with my right boob. Seriously something was definitely wrong and I was adjusting it and my bra for like 10 minutes straight till finally my mom was like, "What exactly is happening over there?" Then I realized my underwire had busted, and it was jabbing me in the side. Since we were at an outdoor mall, we literally ran down the street to Victoria's Secret. We burst into the store and just started grabbing bras left and right. Then I ran into the dressing room and tried them on in record time. When I found one that worked, my mom grabbed it and ran up to pay for it while I waited in the dressing room. She came back and threw the bra over the top of the door and yelled, "Happy Birthday!" Then we left the store and ran back down the street to the restaurant where my father and Drew told me that I should tell everyone I broke a bra because it gives me automatic bragging rights. Yes-my father and my future brother-in-law. Creepy anyone? But seriously-I broke a piece of metal just with the sheer size of my boobs. I am totally bragging about that.
Saturday we got up and finished our shopping for Christmas at Aloyd's. Then that night I went to Danielle's house for a party where we had to bring a mystery guest that she didn't know. I literally don't know one person who Danielle doesn't know so I just brought cookies instead. I also had to educate some people on the fact that Phil Collins sings "Easy Lover"-not Genesis. And he sings it with Philip Bailey. Come on, people-it's the greatest song ever. You need to know this stuff.
Sunday I got to see my little Baby Gerbs. Our friends Gerbs and Shannon had a baby a month ago. He has a real name, but I call him Baby Gerbs. He is amazing, and he loves Diane and Sharda. Like apparently more than his own mother. Then I went and sang Christmas songs at a retirement home where in between songs you could hear people ordering split pea soup and one guy playing the harmonica. Awesome.
Oh also Denzel Washington's son is on the St. Louis Rams. How did I not know this.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Thanksgiving was awesome as usual. I ate so much I am still full. I got to see all 4 of my grandparents which makes me ridiculously lucky. My 80-something year old Grandpa K said he was glad to get out of the retirement village and "leave all those old people behind".
All parts of the dinner were good, but I think everyone would agree their favorite was probably the relish tray. I mean don't ask them, though. Because they'd probably lie and say something else just so my mom won't feel bad and why are you trying to make my family members uncomfortable anyway huh? I mean why don't you just lay off, Officer-it's a free country! Whoa sorry about that. By the way during a quiet moment at dinner my aunt said, "Boy these pickles sure are delicious." Smartass.
My Grandma and Grandpa C taught me a new card game and then proceeded to kick my ass at it. That's not very grandparenty if you ask me. But it was hard to stay mad when my grandma gave me a FULL loaf of pumpkin bread to take home. Oh my God. It's like a miracle. My mom and grandma were explaining to me how to cut it up into fourths and freeze it. And I was like, "No yeah I'll probably freeze it instead of immediately eating it." What? That doesn't even make sense.
The rest of my weekend was a blur of bars, leftover turkey and shopping-just how I like it.
Now I'm gonna go sit back in my chair and think about Christmas lights. And not how I'm about to turn 31. Nope-I will not be thinking about that at all. Not one bit. Where's the vodka.
Wednesday, November 21, 2007
This year since Diane and I are 28 and 30 we decided it's probably time we start helping out more. Usually we just go to our parents and ask our mom what she needs us to do then we end up just stirring gravy for a half hour. So this year we called and said, "Okay, Mom, we are going to bring food over. What can we make?". Her answer? "Why don't you guys make the relish tray". The relish tray. Pickles and olives. We offered to make potatoes or stuffing or anything that requires using a stove. But no. Relish tray. That is all my mom trusts us with. And not even just one of us. We're both responsible for it.
On the bright side the chances of me burning or cutting myself on this are decreased by like 50%. I don't want to say there's no chance because it is still me, and I will still be in a kitchen. But it's possible I could come out unscathed.
I hope all of you have a wonderful holiday. Eat too much and drink too much but not so much that you accidentally throw up on your grandma.
P.S. If you watch How I Met Your Mother you will get the post title. All I have to say is "We're going to eat turkey. Then I'm going to slap you in your face."
Tuesday, November 20, 2007
Some of you may remember that I don't drink beer. I hate beer. So why did I go? Because all my friends were going. And we got a free t-shirt. I will do almost anything for a free t-shirt. Plus giving away all my beer tastings made me feel like Santa Claus.
Saturday we watched the Buckeyes own the Wolverines then we all decided to go bowling. It was so fun, and I think I met the man I'm going to marry. There was this guy all of a sudden standing with us, and he was absolutely wasted. He kept rubbing my back then he put his hand on my ass and said, "If I put my finger in your butt would you like it?" Ahhhh-just the line every woman wants to hear. After that I told him it was time for him to go away-you know because I couldn't control myself around him. Then he went over and started rubbing my sister's back. Probably just to make me jealous. Then he did the same to Anita, and her husband Brian finally put an end to the madness. And by that I mean he flew us to Vegas so me and Drunk Finger Boy could get married.
Also that night I, shockingly, did not drink. I know-who am I, right? Well be glad because since I was sober it wasn't me who while at the bar in a crowd of people stepped in front of a giant running fan and pretended to be Tawny Kitaen from the "Here I Go Again" Whitesnake video. Oh wait-no that was me. Drunk or sober, kids, I am what I am: a jackass.
Friday, November 16, 2007
I left work yesterday at the peak of rush hour and drove John to his car. Then we both got on the highway. I merged onto the highway then went to change lanes. As I was getting over, I looked behind me to make sure I had room. When I turned back around, the girl in front of me was at a dead stop. And I think you can guess what happened next. I was going roughly 45-50 mph just like everyone else on the highway except the girl in front of me. Apparently there were pieces of a bumper on the road and instead of going around it like every single other car she just stopped.
I ran into the girl, and the guy behind me ran into me. It was so awesome! We got out to assess the damage-of which there was very little-and the dude and I were ready to exchange info and leave, but the girl was already on the phone with the police. I don't blame her-if I was the car in front I'd call, too. But I was annoyed because I just wanted to go home. Oh and did I mention it was hailing? Yes. It only added to the enjoyment.
In the meantime John called me. He was 2 cars in front of me. He was like, "That wasn't you, was it?". When I told him it was he said, "Oh man-I went around the bumper, looked in my rearview mirror, saw the person behind me just completely lock up her brakes and thought 'Oh boy-this is not going to be good'."
As I was sitting there it dawned on me that half the people I work with were probably driving by. It couldn't get worse, right? Wrong. After a few minutes of talking to my dad, both of us almost positive there was no way a Cleveland cop was going to show up in less than 2 hours, I saw a firetruck and ambulance coming the opposite way of the highway. I made a joke, "Hey, Dad, maybe those are coming here.". We had a good laugh as I watched the emergency vehicles drive on by. Two minutes later the firetruck and ambulance pulled up behind us blocking our lane and the lane to our right-where basically everyone in Cleveland was trying to get on the highway.
At this point I was trying to sink as far down into my seat as humanly possible. And I put on my hood thinking it would help me to become invisible.
The firemen and paramedics, once they realized we were all okay, were visibly annoyed. I heard one of them say in an agitated voice, "There's like barely any damage.". I do not blame them. All I kept thinking about was what in the hell did this girl say to 911 when she called in this accident to cause them to send an ambulance and a firetruck?
One of the firemen came up and said, "Are you guys just going to exchange info and leave?". I told him if he could get the others to agree with that then I was in. He told us he thought that's what we should do then we had to stand out in the hail and write all our shit down. Finally when we were done they told us to get over to the right lane since they had it blocked off, build up our speed and merge into traffic.
I let the girl go, gave her some room then I went. I got up to about 50mph and the girl fucking slammed on her brakes again! We suddenly were at 25mph, and I was like are you effing kidding me? Luckily this time I avoided an accident, and I got over since obviously this chick was trying to kill me.
Right as I was on my way, my parents called. "You're on the news". Yes. We were on the news. They were talking about this 3 car pile up on the highway, emergency services on the scene, etc. Good Lord.
That's 3 accidents this year that I've been involved in either directly or indirectly. I think I shall dub 2007 "The Year of the Accident". I am ready for The Year of the Accident to give way to The Year I Win Millions in the Lottery...And I Marry John Krasinski.
Thursday, November 15, 2007
So here's something totally reasonable. If you don't feel like reading it basically what happened is store Santas in Sydney have been told to say "ha ha ha" instead of "ho ho ho" so as not to offend women.
Um...any woman who is offended by SANTA CLAUSE saying "ho ho ho" please stand up so I can punch you in the face. You are ruining Christmas.
Incidentally when Kim, Diane and I were roommates at Woodford we bought a Christmas decoration that said "Ho Ho Ho" and hung it on our front door so people would know who lived there. That oughta set the feminist movement back a couple hundred years.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
My sister, Meg and Sharda also love Christmas. Aloyd, knowing this fact, asked us to help him. Help him with what, you ask? Well he recently purchased a condo. A bachelor pad if you will. He has no Christmas decorations, and he doesn't really like Christmas. I know, you guys. He has other great qualities so I remain friends with him in spite of this flaw. Anyway, he came to us with this proposition: "If I give you guys money, would you be interested in decorating my place? Like I would pay, you would buy all the stuff and put it up?".
Um...is the Pope Catholic? Does a bear shit in the woods? Is Okay Seriously dreaming about Salt and Vinegar Pringles and Cherry Coke 22 out of 24 hours a day? YES!!
This is literally the greatest project I have ever been asked to work on. And we decided that it would make an awesome show on HGTV. People would need help with their decorating and in we would come. And it doesn't have to be just Christmas. It can be any holiday year round.
Sunday we went to Aloyd's house for our initial consultation. We wanted to get a better feel for his place, his style and his budget. Also we wanted to make him listen to Christmas music.
Here's the best and worst part. Drew came with us and taped us. For real. We had to pretend we were hosts and everything. Meg was a natural. But we almost had a group falling out when it appeared Meg was trying to take over the show for herself. But it's all okay now. I was horrible. I couldn't stop laughing or swearing. I think I would be a more effective TV host if I was drunk. What makes this whole thing even more sad is that we don't have a video camera. We had to use Diane's digital camera and take a series of 30 second videos.
We then went shopping and took the camera with us. When we told the checkout lady what we were doing she said it was the best idea ever. Then we put her on video. It was awesome. She told us to call her when we make it big so she can record herself on TV. The checkout lady believes in us, you guys!
We still have a lot of shopping left to do, but so far this is the most fun. I am certain we can turn Aloyd into a Christmas lover. And ourselves into HGTV stars. You guys would totally watch our show, right?
Friday, November 09, 2007
Let's try to ignore that and talk shows.
Effing Grey's. I hate and love it so much. I really hated the Izzie-George sex scenes, but if that's what I have to suffer through for them to finally and mercifully be over, I will do it. So I guess the storyline is that they have no chemistry. Hey great idea, writers. We only told you that a year ago. Whatever-let's hurry up and derail that BS ASAP. I want to like Izzie. I really do. But they have really ruined her character. I'm really hoping they can redeem her and George now.
New cardiologist=awful. Yay she's a great surgeon whatever. She's annoying. And she's messing up Christina's universe, and it's pissing me off. I guess that's the point. Also she is obviously a cyborg because there is no straight woman out there who is not attracted to McSteamy. He is so beautiful, I actually get dizzy looking at him.
Meredith is such an effing bitch. She has every right to decide not to get to know her sister, but she doesn't have to be a giant C U Next Tuesday about it. I was glad Lexie finally told her off. And Alex, too. Then Lexie was all nice and trying to be a part of her life again. Lexie, you are way too nice. I'd have given up a long time ago.
One more injustice was finally corrected last night: Bailey was made Chief Resident. All I have to say about that is it's about effing time.
First of all Michael was making fun of Ryan's retreat he called it Broken Mountain. Second of all Dwight keeps a machete in the ceiling. Good Lord that's funny.
Jim's glimpse into his bleak future was hilarious. Plus the whole birthday plotline showed that it's not always Michael being annoying-the people in the office are annoying, too. Pam almost got Jim to gather everyone in the conference room like Michael. Oh and when he started to complain about Toby, I couldn't deal.
- Do I believe that Michael has the skills to survive in a hostile environment? Let's put it this way: no I do not.
- Blacks do crack. Not the drug.
- You are as creepy as a real serial killer. For real.
- Tell her it's for Creed. She'll know what that means.
- The sun is in the two-thirds easterly quadrant.
- I HAVE HEMORRHOIDS!
- Mosy days I just sit and wait for the break.
Okay seriously when they panned to Jack and his hair was completely out of control and he said, "I called this meeting today to discuss what happened at Kenneth's party last night", I absolutely lost it. I mean I flat out started choking during that scene with the flashbacks. That show is brilliant!
Thursday, November 08, 2007
John (Shop Dungarees) and I had a meeting together. The purpose of the meeting was for John to give my team an overview of the application he supports. John is great at explaining technical concepts to people who are less technically inclined than him. Yesterday was no exception.
Everything was going well, and at the end of the meeting he did a live demo of how the workflow process of the application worked. He said, "To help you guys understand this better, I'll use a real life example." His example? "Say you're in the bathroom here and because of a miscalculation you run out of toilet paper." Yes his example was bathroom related.
He proceeded to show us how the workflow might look if this situation were encountered. "The tp holder would send an email to Management which would say 'Need tp in 6th floor bathroom stall 1' and maybe would include a picture of me on the toilet with a sad face. Then Management would see the request and take tp down to that bathroom."
At this point I was barely holding it together. I couldn't even look at him because I was 100% sure I was going to wet my pants if I made eye contact. My whole team was there-my peers, our managers and their manager, a woman who is VERY high up in our organization. And everybody was losing their minds. By the way, don't try this yourself because you'll get fired. He is literally the only person on this entire planet that can get away with it.
Then in a final bid to get me to soil myself, he said, "Once management completes the task of coming to the bathroom, seeing me sitting on the stall and giving me toilet paper, they can either send a request to the cleaning lady to go mop up the mess or they can enter in some comments and close out the task." These are the comments he entered in:
"All set, Johnny Boy. Commence wiping."
Goddammit I love that guy.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
"Members of your household, including you, Sarah, might have been letting chores around the home slide and the idea of getting them done may seem a bit too much for you to bear. Yet the spirit of sacrifice may get the best of you, and you might try to do it all yourself. Don't! Ask for help. Others are as responsible for household tasks as you are, and you aren't doing anyone any favors by working too hard."
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
On Saturday, Diane, my parents and I went to Amish Country to rub their noses in our use of electricity and buy their homemade crafts. Listen I truly believe that everybody has the right to live their life however they choose, but seriously what's with the Amish? I just simply don't understand what's appealing about that lifestyle. I've heard it makes you focus on what's important like family, etc. But here's the thing I am very focused on how much I love my family, but I still use a hairdryer in the morning. I think it's okay that I'm making fun of them because they can't read the Internet, right? I mean that is why I make fun of homeless people. Satan, before you take my soul back home with you for eternity you should know I was just kidding.
My friend Renee and I decided that the novelty of seeing a horse and buggy never wears off. So I helpfully pointed them out every single time we saw one. My dad helpfully pointed out all the horseshit.
This weekend I also babysat Steph's dog. We are now bff. Things got a little tense when I made him dance to Michael Buble with me, but he forgave me when I gave him a Milkbone. Dogs are so easy.
Sunday I spent all day worrying about the writers strike in Hollywood. Seriously studios, let's resolve this soon because I swear if I lose all my shows in January I will come out there and force all of you to eat complex carbohydrates till your stomach staples burst.
Friday, November 02, 2007
So guess who just woke up because she is not at work? That would be me. Haha suckers. God I love not working. Don't get me wrong I really like my new job, but not working has a magical quality. And that quality is not working.
How about a little show talk? Some spoilers ahead.
I'm seriously reaching the point where I don't even want to write about Grey's. Is it just me or is it getting worse and worse? It's turning into my Dawson's Creek where I don't want to watch it, but I have to because I'm addicted. I'm just going to do a quick recap because I'll be honest I was kind of disgusted with last night's episode.
Izzie and George - horrible. How much longer do I have to endure this?
New cardiologist lady - absolutely, unbelievably horrible. I swear to God if they keep her on the show, I might stop watching because she is so unbearable. Why did the chief take her crap? He's the boss. Assert your power, chief!
McDreamy and McSteamy as friends - amazing. I love it so much. They are so hot.
Heart surgery while you're awake - ga-gew! Is that really possible?
Guy who fell 12,000 feet parachuting - Roy!! It was nice to see him again especially when he's not playing a jerk. That guy is a total cutie.
Meredith and McDreamy - tired. Her issues around that whole thing make no sense anymore. I get her issues with her family, and I can even get her not really wanting to get to know Lexie (even though she's such a bitch to her), but this whole thing with McDreamy-I'm done with it.
McDreamy - McDreamy
Lexie and Alex - kinda hot.
Alex - so very, very hot. More shirtless scenes with him please.
I think last night might have had the funniest line ever uttered on "The Office". And it was Oscar. "Besides having sex with men, the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing I've ever done." I literally did a spittake.
When Michael was trying to set up the sleeping version of himself, and Dwight said he would be out of the office with him all the time, Michael said, "Mostly I'll be with Ryan. Or Darryl." Hilarious. Then when he had Pam writing up the want ad, "Middle aged black man with sass. And a big butt."
I thought the whole stealing the printer from Utica was a little out there, but their mustache disguises more than made up for it. They looked awesome, and I love that Jim laid the seat back in the car and then told Dwight, "You don't need to update me as much as you are updating me." The whole Jim and Karen reunion was so awkward and so how a girl would react if she heard her ex-boyfriend say he was doing really good with his new girlfriend. I like how Jim just got up and awkwardly walked out.
Oh! Oscar had another amazing line last night. While they were trying to do the Finer Things Club, Phyllis came in to use the microwave and she kept pressing all these buttons over and over and finally Oscar loses it and screams, "WHAT ARE YOU MICROWAVING!?" I lost it, too. Andy trying to get into the club was great, too. "The Finer Things Club is the most exclusive club in this office. I have to be in it. Party Planning Committee is my backup, and Kevin's band is my other backup."
This is the episode synopsis for next week: "Dunder Mifflin goes green when Ryan plans a corporate wilderness retreat and an excluded Michael begins planning his own outdoor adventure." You just know that's going to be awesome.
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Woody came over, too. The three of them drank beer while I wore a headband that had lit up pumpkins on it. While we were sitting there, Meg and Aloyd walked up carrying wine. We asked if we could get them some chairs and Meg said,"Just glasses and a corkscrew." Six adults sitting on the porch drinking alcohol and eating chili. You could almost feel the envy of the parents out with their children.
There were so many cute kids. It made my ovaries ache. When teenagers came up who didn't bother putting on a costume, we gave them a Payday since that was the worst candy bar we had. At one point an unmarked white van drove through the street. Drew was like, "That's totally not shady at all while children are roaming the streets." Woody called it The Kidcatcher.
After the festivities, we watched the Cavs be terrible. Then we watched "Rent", but Drew muted the parts he thought were too sad. This morning he told me that he was glad that Diane and I weren't intravenous drug users so that we wouldn't get AIDS. That's our Drew: equal parts sweet and weird.
Tell me funny Halloween stories.
Wednesday, October 31, 2007
1. I turn into a 5 year old while watching them because they make me so happy and
2. They make no sense.
Oh and 3. Those kids are ridiculously mean to Charlie Brown. If that were really happening to a kid in this day and age, I'd give him 3 years before he loses his shit and opens fire on his school. Come on, kids, look at Charlie Brown. He has it way worse than you, and he doesn't turn to violence. He just goes to counseling. Only 10 cents.
Monday, October 29, 2007
We went to a Halloween party at Suz and AJ's house on Saturday. Suz and AJ love Halloween and always have the best costumes. This year they were husband and wife knife throwers. Really bad ones. They had apples on their heads and knives sticking out of their stomachs and chests. Bloody but so clever and funny.
Sharda, Meg, Diane, Steph and I went as the Spice Girls. I was Posh, Meg was Baby, Steph was Ginger, Sharda was Sporty and Diane was Scary in a big afro wig that made me laugh uncontrollably every time I looked at her. Sharda had on a sports bra and an open zip up sweatshirt. Who in the hell is secure enough to go to a party in just a sports bra? Someone with a sickeningly flat stomach that's who. What the hell, Sharda. Why are you not constantly showing off your stomach? Bitch.
Suz and AJ had games for us to play. Costume contests for best individual and best group costumes* (Spice Girls came in second), guess the number of M&Ms in the jar and a horror movie trivia game. Guess who won the horror movie trivia game? That would be me-the one person who refuses to watch them. Here's the deal-and I think I've confessed this to you before-I'm a freak. When I am scared of something I read about it. A lot. I know a ridiculous amount of facts about sharks. You would think I was actually interested in them, but really I just need to know that it is possible for a dolphin to kill a shark. I sleep better that way.
So I research what I'm scared of like crazy because I figure that the more information I have about it, the less chance it can hurt me. I know it makes no sense when it applies to movies, but I can't help it. That's how my brain works. But because of this insane detail about me, I know a lot about a lot of horror movies which in turn won me a bottle of wine so how crazy am I really? Still pretty crazy.
We also played beer pong and ping pong in the basement, and here's something maybe you don't know about me: I am awesome at ping pong. Except not when AJ is making me watch "Dead Alive" at the same time-one of the only movies I haven't researched. Let me say this about it: um...wtf. Seriously. That is one weirdo effed up movie. Oh also I'm not as good at ping pong when I am drunk and wearing 100 inch heels. Just FYI.
What'd you guys do this weekend?
P.S. An aside to AG: was your long haired New Jersey boyfriend's last name Bon Jovi by any chance?
*Our friend Tom voted for Sharda's sports bra for best individual costume.
Wednesday, October 24, 2007
Pushing Daisies - It's like you've wandered into a fairytale. If you liked "Big Fish", you will like this. It's imaginitive and unique and lovely. The lead guy is absolutely the best new guy on TV. Yummy and adorable.
P.S. Have you set your DVR for Friday Night Lights yet?
Livin' On A Prayer - Bon Jovi
I've Been Waiting - Matthew Sweet
Believe It Or Not - Joey Scarbury (theme from "Greatest American Hero")
Shut Your Eyes - Shout Out Louds
Into the Mystic - Van Morrison
Caribbean Queen - Billy Ocean
Chuck - It's funny, it's got action and the badass secret service agent from "Independence Day". What's not to love? Oh also the main guy Chuck is totally adorable.
Reaper - Seriously funny action/horror show with a cute leading man. I dare you not to laugh at everything his best friend Sock does and says.
Samantha Who? - Okay I've only seen 2 episodes of this, but so far I love it. Christina Applegate is freaking awesome. I want to be her.
Gossip Girl - I am way too old to watch this show. So are you, but let's do it anyway.
And the not new show that if you don't start watching soon I will come to your house, staple your ass to the couch, tape your eyelids open and force you to watch:
Friday Night Lights - Seriously why aren't you watching this show? Do you hate yourself? Do you??
This morning I heard Michael Jackson's new song on the radio. Did anyone else totally forget he was a musician?
His new song is called "Don't Let Your Son Go Down on Me." Sorry. That's just a joke I heard once.
Hey why did Michael Jackson place a phone call to Boyz-2-Men? He thought it was a delivery service.
Okay I'll stop. But seriously do you know what the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson is? One was the first man to walk on the moon and the other effs little boys. ZING!
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
Now that I have one I'm happy to say everyone else is right. I am on this thing constantly.
The truth is that the implications of the Blackberry are huge and here's why: I can get to blogs from this thing. Do you know how awesome that is?? In fact I am currently attempting to blog from it. If this works, it will be the greatest thing ever. If not, I will get an email from Aunt Nancy that says, "Update your GD blog."
By the way it is taking me like 7 hours to write this. I don't exactly have the typing thing down yet. Listen the keys are really small.
So last night Steph made a few of us go to this restaurant in a not so great part of town called Hot Sauce Williams. She has been begging to go there forever. According to its web site it specializes in soul food. And oh my God was it good. Literally my soul felt better after eating there.
Since it was a Monday, we just went home afterwards. And by that I mean we went to a bar. Meg had to go home and work so we said we'd have one round and go home. Two rounds later we left. And went to a wine bar next door.
We sat down and Drew said, "So we thinking 3 bottles?" We all had a hearty laugh. Three bottles later, we finally decided to call it a night as Meg said, "Whatever it's only Monday. I have all week to finish my work." We are really good friends who care deeply about Meg's career.
Best quotes of the night:
"My mom is taller than me and has smaller feet, and she falls over all the time!" - Meg
Diane, while we are staring in horror at Drew's uber-dorky Rick Moranis impression from "Ghostbusters": "Just look at this pretty ring. Focus on the ring."
Steph, commenting on the AMAZING banana pudding at Hot Sauce Williams which was covered in meringue: "It's so good. I like how they bronze the whipped cream around the side."
Poor Steph almost knows less about cooking than I do. Almost. It's okay, Steph-we will just go eat at Hot Sauce Williams.
Seriously everyone should start off their week this way.
Friday, October 19, 2007
I don't want to talk about the Indians game. All I will say is it is not over. And that if Casey Blake's beard asked me out, there would be no possible scientific way to measure how fast I would say yes. Don't we look good together?
Yeah I came back to the MS Paint, you guys. I still got it.
Um...can we talk about shows now or what? Spoilers to follow.
Okay look-in all honesty-I CANNOT TAKE IZZIE AND GEORGE FOR ONE MORE MINUTE. I can't, you guys. They are awful together. They make no sense. They are so awkward not to mention that Izzie is a complete whack-job biatch. I wanted Callie to punch her in the face so bad, but Callie is better than that. Dammit. I have always wanted Alex and Izzie together. Always. I think Alex is able to tone down some of her crazy, and she makes him more sensitive. Oh also it's not like she'd be doing her little brother (George). I actually thought maybe tonight was a step in the right direction for the Izzie-Alex thing to get back on track, but noooo. Stupid Ava comes back next week. Or whatever her name is. I don't even care.
Speaking of Alex, Alex - facial hair = ridiculously hot. I think we can all agree on that. But for me with my beard fetish? Alex + new facial hair = did I just black out because it's so effing hot in here? SERIOUSLY. And really he should wear that black tank top at all times.
I love that McDreamy and McSteamy are friends again. They have a great dynamic. I liked how tonight McSteamy's like, "Do you ever feel old?" and McDreamy said, "No I'm a fetus." Awesome answer. He is so cute. Can you even believe the stuff he said to Meredith tonight? I want to marry you. I want to spend a lifetime with you. Etc., etc. WTF. She has no reaction but to giggle and try to run? Are you kidding me? Is this not the stability she has been searching for her whole life? Why yes, yes it is. I'm glad he basically said to her I'll wait, but if someone else comes along, well, tough shit. She needs to hear that.
Also I cried like an effing baby when the chief's niece said she was ready to die. Holy eff. That was horrible. Stupid Grey's always making me angry and then making me laugh and then making me cry.
First of all let me just say that I absolutely love the Pam and Jim stuff. I love it, I love it, I love it. Maybe some people say it was better before they got together. I totally disagree. I think it's wonderful and heartwarming, and it fills me with all-consuming envy. Wait...
Holy sweet Jesus-the beet farm B&B? I was losing my mind. Dwight said, "We make our own mattresses" and Jim hung up the phone to listen to him. Fantastic. When he was telling them the themes of the 3 rooms they had available, I yelled out "Irrigation!" and then Pam did. I think that means Jim should be dating me. Um that Moses guy is so effing creepy. When he was running along side the car, I couldn't even breathe. I like this quote by Jim when he's talking about what he imagined his first overnight trip with Pam would be: "I always imagined less manure. I mean, some manure-just less." Oh and um...reading Harry Potter. Awesome.
I am so so sad for Dwight. OMG it's awful. I mean watching Andy try and pick up Angela is some of the best comedy ever (ABBA last week, anyone?). I mean just look at how he was standing at Pam's desk. Legs completely apart almost doing the splits. So awesome. But Dwight crying was tough to watch. The speech Jim gave him was-well, I'll admit it. I cried. He was spot on about what that pain feels like, huh? I knew he would get up and go kiss Pam. But even though I knew it was coming, it was still such a lovely moment.
The "whomever" conversation was classic. I love when Oscar said he didn't know how to use the word and Michael turned to the camera and said, "Not a native speaker." Also Creed's quote was great: "Michael is right. It's a made up word used to trick students." And the best quote of all was when Michael said to Toby: "No one asked you anything ever so whomever's name is Toby why don't you take a letter opener and stick it in your skull."
- Stanley in sweats, drinking red wine and watching his "mystery stories"
- Jim: "Hey, Dwight. You okay?" Dwight: "I'm better than you have ever been or ever will be."
- Ryan: "Hey, guys! What's happening? How's my favorite branch doing!?" He is the ultimate douchebag. It's brilliant.
- Kelly is completely insane and when she did the "whatever loser" hand signals, I freaked out. Because I totally do those, too.
- Darryl about how Kelly only wants him when Ryan's around: "It's getting to the point where I get excited every time I see that little dude walk through the door." I will make out with Darryl right now.
- Bankrupty is nature's do-over.
- I DECLARE BANKRUPTCY!!
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
I went to the dentist today and got absolutely no action. What's up with that? I even wore a v-neck and told him I was feeling really vulnerable and needed to feel wanted again. But no dice. Just kidding-we totally did it. Oh wait I mean I was kidding about telling him I was vulnerable. Can you imagine if I said that? So, Sarah, how's it going? Any problems? Well, Dr. B, lately I've just been feeling really alone and like I just need to feel the human touch.
Ew I just gave myself the icky shivers.
So this weekend we did something really dorky which is shocking I know. Danielle and Sharda live basically down the street from each other in a city called OF. It's not actually called OF, but that's the abbreviation for their town. The boys went to NASCAR to pretend they are white trash. Just kidding. I know not everyone who likes NASCAR is white trash. Wait no, no-they are.
Anywho, since the boys were out of town we decided a couple months ago that we would have a girls night. Then Diane came up with the awesome idea of an OF Weekend where we spent the whole weekend in OF, and just like that OFW '07 was born.
Friday we would go to Sharda's house then Saturday we would head on down the street to Danielle's. We basically pretended like we were going out of town to Put in Bay but really we just went to a different suburb. Awesome.
As usual, I handled myself with the utmost grace and poise. Especially when I pretended like my body was making its own decisions and had to get up to dance to Chingy's "One Call Away" even without my brain's consent. At Sharda's we definitely drank an inordinate amount of wine and sang karaoke till 2am. I don't remember much about karaoke except that I made Diane pick my songs, and I sang some Backstreet Boys, Hilary Duff and The Carpenter's version of "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas". Sharda made us egg/sausage/biscuit things and cinnamon bread for breakfast on Saturday and then I made out with her.
On Saturday we headed over to Danielle's where, in a twist on our usual routine, we drank and played karaoke. I also watched people played Dance Dance Revolution and Guitar Hero. Hey if you ever get the chance, watch your friends play Dance Dance Revolution for the first time ever. It is so funny you will pee. It was Danielle's game so she was really good at it. In fact she was so good Steph was like, "Maybe you should leave the house more."
The best karaoke-er was John's 4 year old son Josh. We handed him a mic and played the Michael Buble song "Home" on a CD since we didn't have a karaoke version, and he sang the entire thing-every single word. It was so wonderful and amazing it made my ovaries ache. I have got to get me one of those. A kid-not an ovary. Frankly, I have no place to put a third ovary. Not to mention it really doesn't go with my decor.
I'm happy to say I didn't do anything embarassing or inappropriate for my age at the end of the night Saturday. Unless you count when I threw up. Yeah I did, you guys. My goal was to have my 30th birthday party be the last time that happened because seriously at my age it's just sad. Well apparently I'm still sad person. Here's to no puking in 2008!
P.S. Speaking of Michael Buble, please go download his song "Everything". It's not brand new or anything, but it makes me want to dance around in a circle in my living room like a 5 year old. It's so lovely.
P.P.S. Even without the fondling, I had an exciting day at the dentist. Did you know you can brush your teeth too hard? Yeah. They told me I am brushing my teeth too hard, and it's making my gums recede. New friend Dr. Nate, what's up with that?
P.P.P.S. I am not talking about the Tribe on purpose at the risk of jinxing them. But I can't remain silent about this: Manny, you are a fucking douchebag ahole. Seriously? Watching your home run like it's winning the game when it's only making the score 7-3? You're still losing by 4 runs, asshole. Honestly just go home and hit on some high school chicks.
Monday, October 15, 2007
I took a lot of crap this weekend for how bad this blog has sucked the past 2 weeks. I will rectify that, I promise. Not today, though. Because once again I have passed out on my couch just barely waking up in enough time to get ready for work.
Let's quickly talk about this dentist who claims he has to rub women's boobs to treat TMJ. First of all, you have to at least respect his nerve for claiming that copping a feel is job-related. I mean like respect him from your home while he's sitting in jail. But I have a question about this part of the article:
"Deputy Attorney General Jeffrey Phillips gave Lew three new complaints, including one from a 31-year-old woman who said Anderson fondled her at least six times over two years.
She took to wearing tight shirts with high necklines, "and Anderson would still get in under her shirt and bra," according to a police report."
6 times. 2 years. Changing the outfit on purpose to avoid the fondling. Can I ask the obvious question here? What city does this lady live in that this guy is the only dentist she can go to? I'm assuming it's gated and the walls are guarded by men with guns so she is unable to leave the city limits, too. There is no other explanation for staying with a dentist who is regularly fondling you. Unless you are dating him. And let's be honest-nobody dates dentists. Just kidding, Meg whose dad is a dentist.
Also, I've never been fondled against my will, but I would think if my dentist was getting under my bra, I might have some sort of reaction. Like, I don't know, stopping him. At the very least saying something like this: "Um unless you're going to buy me dinner, doc, you best be getting your hand out of my shirt."
I have a dentist appointment on Tuesday. I'll let you guys know if I score.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
First a couple quick notes:
Indians, you are my density.
Conan, you just made a joke about Cleveland. Um...I'm not going to lie. It hurts. It hurts big time. But I know you didn't mean it. You're a performer, and you're just saying lines someone else wrote. We can still get married.
I know they're not putting Jack Bauer in jail. Why do you hate America, Los Angeles justice system?
I just watched a horror movie from 2004. Technically it wasn't a horror movie. It was Suzanne and AJ's wedding video. Listen if you ever find yourself getting a little cocky or, you know, feeling a little too confident, watch yourself dancing on a wedding video. That should take the wind out of your sails pretty darn quick. Trust me-once you see yourself playing air xylophone during "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun", it's impossible to think of yourself as anything other than the biggest tool that has ever lived.
Also included on the video? One-on-one interviews with friends so we could send our well wishes. First of all, B was on the video giving his little congratulations message. It was the first time I'd seen him since he left, and I could've done without it, but I'll be honest-the air xylophone was exponentially worse. I mean I had changed into socks and tennis shoes and wore them with my bridesmaid dress for Christ's sake. Again I ask, why are people friends with me?
Second of all, apparently I didn't get the memo that we were supposed to say something real quick like, "Congratulations, Suz and AJ! I wish you the best of luck for a wonderful life together!" When they gave me the microphone, I suddenly had to tell 17 stories. It was like "Suz and AJ's Wedding starring Okay Seriously". They weren't even good stories. I was just playing with my hair and laughing nervously and refusing to look into the camera. Also at one point I said, "AJ, you were always the tall guy." What? The tall guy? That's what I came up with on his most important day ever? I should maybe practice in advance for what to say on Diane and Drew's video so I don't end up saying something like, "Diane, you're like a sister to me."
P.S. You guys should be watching "Reaper" because it's effing funny.
P.P.S. Happy Birthday to my October birthday friends. Thanks to 2 of you for turning 30 with me. At least you are here with me for a couple months. Holy shit I turn 31 in 2 months. I need to lie down.
Tuesday, October 09, 2007
I just want to say that if you ever get the chance to go to a 90's party, do it. 'But Sarah,' you're saying, 'Isn't it too early to have a 90's party?' No. No it's not. It was 8 years ago. Accept how old you are.
We had a 90's party on Saturday for Paul's 30th birthday, and it was amazing. I was surrounded by flannels, vests, Doc Martins, long flowery dresses, scrunchies and, unfortunately, a jean dress. And we listened to the sweet sounds of the likes of Color Me Badd, Ace of Base and Montell Jordan while 90210 season 1 was playing on the TVs in the background. I forgot how much I loved Brandon and Dylan.
Unfortunately there exist some pictures that as Steph pointed out mean I can never, ever run for political office, but it was worth it. We have decided that every party we have from now on will be a 90's party.
P.S. What's all the hoopla about that teacher doing the cheer routine in her class? Why is everyone so mad about that? It's not like she did a stripper dance. The only thing we should all be focusing on is that she is a giant dork. But I can't even really say anything after my dance Saturday to the Baywatch theme song. God I really don't want to see those pictures.
Friday, October 05, 2007
The blog has totally been neglected this week because I haven't been home and when I am home I'm exhausted from my new job. I should tell you guys what my new job is then you would understand. I train full time for this. You might remember me telling you that since I got my first Rubik's cube in the 80's, I already have one full side done. I quit my job so I could stay home and learn how to remove and reapply the stickers faster. You can't mess around at the World Championships, okay? I have to be able to change around the stickers without it being visible to the naked eye. My life will be meaningless if someone doesn't call me a speedcubist or a solution virtuoso after this is over.
I really shouldn't say that my life would be meaningless. I mean I still have my dancing:
P.S. I haven't watched Grey's yet, but, um, when Creed dyed his hair and called Ryan "bra" I swear I almost got in my car, drove out to LA and kissed all the writers full on the mouth.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
The first day went okay. By the end of the day, though, I was very overwhelmed and mentally tired. I have SO MUCH to learn, and I hate being the one who doesn't know anything. I'm used to being the expert at my job, and now I'm like a little baby who has to learn everything because it's all new and who poops her pants. By the way, a tip for all of you: pooping your pants on the first day = not a great first impression. You're welcome.
While I was unpacking boxes and putting my desk together, I brought out my Big Mouth Billy Bass and asked one of my new coworkers if he was ready for me. Later on this same coworker saw me wearing 3 napkins as a bib while I ate lunch. Project Build Reputation At New Job As A Complete Dork is coming along nicely.
One more thing about my new job: jeans on Fridays. I will make out with jeans on Fridays right now.
P.S. This will be the best show ever.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
So today was the last day of my job. I got a little more emotional than I had anticipated I would. And now I am just sitting here pretty scared about this new job which starts tomorrow. I told you earlier it's a complete departure from what I'm doing now, and I know absolutely nothing so pretty much all I want to do is take my mommy with me and have her follow me around all day so if I get scared I can run to her and she can protect me. Think that would leave a pretty good impression? What-it's not like I would bring my blankie or anything. Hmm...I should bring my blankie.
Add this to the list of things to worry about: 6 die from brain-eating amoeba in lakes. Good Lord that's horrific.
Friday we went out for Meg's birthday. At dinner, Aloyd's and my cell phone totally had sex. Like the entire dinner and in lots of different positions. Turns out my phone is a complete slut. It wasn't without its tender moments, though, as they also cuddled and spooned for a while. Steph took a picture of some of the action and sent it to everybody.
Warning: This is not for small ones' eyes.
Cell phone! I am shocked! This is a family blog. If you're a family of drunks, that is.
Saturday we lost again at football, and Sharda finally came to a game to support us and then later made fun of us by saying that really all we do is stand around. We went to the bar afterwards, and Meg got stung by a bee then accidentally poured ice water all over my left leg and foot. Drew, upon seeing this happen, poured his beer all over my right leg. Saturday night was totally insane. Sharda and I went to Diane's house, and we watched two episodes of Three Sheets, an hour long episode of Unwrapped and then Sharda was like, "I'm going home and going to bed" and Diane and I were too passed out to stop her. It was wild. But did anyone watch SNL with Lebron James? The High School Musical skit was holy hilarious. We rewound it like 7 times.
Sunday we went to the Browns game and tailgated again, but I'm happy to announce no one ran into any parking meters. That's mostly because our friends Matt and Adrianne ran up to each one and covered them with their bodies so we could avoid them. Thanks for having our backs, guys.
The Office was so effing good. I am so so so happy about Pam and Jim. So so happy. Look how Pam is wearing her hair and dressing. She's in love. Yay! Kevin trying to figure out if they were dating was priceless. I couldn't believe he was hiding in his car at the end. "It's too bad they're not dating. They would be good together. They would go together like PB&J. Pam Beesly and Jim. What a waste."
I effing love that this show started off its entire season by having Michael hit Meredith with his car. I seriously can't deal with it because it's just too awesome. When Dwight said, "It's only Meredith." I lost my mind. Brilliant. Every single thing Creed did was amazing. Did you see how angry he was when Meredith didn't know what kind of painkillers she was on?
Oh God what about when Pam saw Michael naked. "I didn't see where it started, but I saw where it ended." YES. And then Jim with his shirt off, "Oh I'm sorry is this a working environment and not a French beach?"
"This is the face of rabies." When Darryl fed that squirrel a peanut, I pulled a muscle in my stomach. Then Michael pantsed Toby, and it was glorious.
Dwight. Cat. Freezer. So so sick and so so amazing.
There is way too much to mention here, but THANK GOD this show is back. I'll just say one more thing: Ryan: "I think I used to date a black girl."
Anyone else a tiny bit underwhelmed with the Grey's premiere? I know a couple of you left comments to that effect. I'm so utterly annoyed with the Izzie-George thing and with the fact that Bailey isn't chief that it was hard to get past it. Of course Izzie's interns hate her. Everyone hates her because she's horrible. Come on, Grey's-she spends the entire episode 1-being COMPLETELY obvious about George in front of everyone and 2-saving an effing deer? Are you kidding me? Lame. I think if they hadn't effed up her character so badly last year, I could think the deer thing was charming because in the first couple seasons that was her thing. She had a big heart and was goofy and did things like that. But last year she was so awful that when she spent all her time on the deer I was like, "Woman, you are the worst."
I'm glad they didn't for real break up Meredith and McDreamy. Oh my God his speech to McSteamy about how she has the right to be damaged and how he'll wait for her to come around was so amazing. Men like that just don't exist, and he completely lived up to and re-earned his McDreamy nickname.
Alex left the show looking hot and came back with facial hair and if we remember I am in my "beards are totally hot" phase right now so I was like whooooa mama. Hot hot hot. I liked his little moment with Christina, too.
Um...can your head actually be decapitated but still connected by skin like that? Is that for real? That is nasty.
Truthfully, this was a much more fun episode than the ones they ran almost the entire second half of last season so I appreciated that. I would like to get back to the funny. All in all I give this episode a B-. They really need to redeem Izzie's character. And I will need more McSteamy in future episodes.
Oh by the way I'm pretending that last scene where George went to Izzie's and said that didn't happen.
P.S. For those who asked, yes I watched Chuck. I loved it. It reminds me of all my computer dork lunch guys trying to save the world. Fantastic. And how cute is Chuck??
Friday, September 28, 2007
I passed out on the couch and am super sleepy and don't feel good, but I promise show recaps/discussion are coming. Obviously I will work on them while I'm at work. All I have to say is re: Grey's, Izzie's a bitch and a flake and re: The Office, YAY!!! I am squealing with delight. For so many reasons. Also I had no idea how much I missed Creed. I mean I really, really didn't. (SPOILER ALERT) Um, he's 82. Okay that's for real all I'm saying for right now. I love you, television.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
In keeping up with my apparent oath to bring you all penis-related news items, some chick almost cut off her husband's member in Malaysia. Perhaps what's most shocking about this particular news item is the file photo Reuters used as part of the story. Are you effing kidding me? That is a picture of someone cutting raw meat, yes? Holy crap it is both disturbing and hilarious that that's the picture they chose. When it first came up I totally freaked the eff out not knowing exactly what it was. For a split second I thought, "How did they get a picture of THAT?" Thankfully they used good taste and just went with a picture of someone cutting up meat that people would soon be eating.
In other news, I'm 30 and I love Gossip Girl.
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Saturday my friends and I came up with the best blog post idea ever. I was going to follow my friends around all day/night and write down all the funny quotes I overheard and put them all into one blog post. That lasted for about 10 minutes as I, shockingly, got way too drunk and started having D&Ms all over the party we were at. (D&Ms is Aloyd's term for "Deep and Meaningfuls" as in deep and meaningful conversations. But honestly how deep and meaningful can a conversation be about your favorite candy bar.)
I also got too busy listening to my friend Mike drunkenly explain to his girlfriend and Sharda, who grew up on cul de sacs, why people who grew up on cul de sacs were not well adjusted*. "It doesn't even have an end. You just keep going around and around." This conversation brought me to tears. Especially when he called them "cul de ball sacs".
So here is all I can present to you as far as quotes for the day:
"It's not about the ride. It's about the finish." - Drew, grossing me out by subsequently putting his arm around my sister and saying, "Yeah! You know!"
"You like married women. I like balls." - Steph to Aloyd
"The Blo Pop is 2/3 blo, 1/3 pop." - Aloyd
"I go after ribs." - Andy, Paul's 9 year old son after someone pointed out to him that his face was covered in barbecue sauce.
Clearly we were off to a good start. I'm sorry I couldn't finish the job. If it helps I was wearing a visor that lights up.
*Mike called Sharda the next day to assure her she was well adjusted which really just makes the whole thing funnier.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Did you know it's National Unmarried and Single Americans week? You didn't? Maybe that's because that's the lamest thing you could ever celebrate. Seriously WTF? I don't need a week to remind me that I have no one to cook for me or kill the spiders.
Here's an article about it written by a slightly bitter chick who just broke up with her boyfriend and with whom, honestly, I would like to hang out. Of course this "holiday" week was invented by people in Ohio. Jesus H., Ohio, what are you doing. You're embarassing me.
The best part of the article are the quotes by a dating expert*:
"This week single people are finally given permission to actually get out and enjoy themselves," the expert explained.
You guys, I'm finally allowed to have fun this week! Thank God. I have been sitting at home doing nothing all year as evidenced by this blog. And now I can finally cut loose. Any suggestions on how to have fun, expert?
"Get a good night's sleep, hang out with friends, or go for a great haircut."
Easy, expert! Let's not get crazy here. I still have to get up and work tomorrow LOL wink wink! (Doesn't that expert seem like someone who would use LOL and wink wink in an email?)
Anyway this is clearly all nonsense. I don't need a week to celebrate the great things about being single as that is what I do every single day of my life-obviously. But I do think we should all get together and get haircuts. However, we should try to be done by 9pm so we can get a good night's sleep.
*How exactly does one become a dating expert? Is "dating expert" code for "slut"?
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
1. You pee into a bucket inside a little tent with all your friends standing outside of it talking to you.
2. You yell at 12 year olds for having no manners and tell them that if their football comes anywhere near you again you will throw it in the pee bucket.
3. While walking to the game, you let strangers drink some of your drink. Strangers who you're pretty sure are not 21 yet thereby making you a criminal.
4. Also while walking to the game you look across the street to yell at Meg and walk directly into a parking meter**.
5. You, a person who hates beer with everything inside you and hasn't had a drop in 11 years, drinks beer at the game because you are so wasted and don't want it to end ever and your sister is a really bad influence.
6. After sitting in the sun all day, you have a football helmet shaped tan line on your face-the result of an ill conceived plan that involved putting a fake tattoo on your right cheek.
7. The people who lived down the street from you growing up and babysat you everyday after elementary school end up sitting 2 seats down from you, and as they are passing you beer from the vendor your sister says, "Hey, Mrs. B, this is just like when you used to give us alcohol when we were at your house, remember?" Okay that's more of a sign that your sister is drunk.
*Hell yeah, Browns! Best game ever!
**For real I walked directly into a parking meter. Left boob took the biggest hit with the left side of my jaw taking a secondary hit. I didn't really know what happened till it was over, and Jen was peeing her pants. Seriously she peed in her pants a little. The best part about it-besides the guys behind us telling me it was the best thing that's ever happened to them-is that my sister was laughing so hard that literally 3 seconds later she walked into a parking meter head first.
I love tailgating.
Thursday, September 13, 2007
Tonight I did something for which I am very proud of myself. I went to a step class. Big deal, right? Well it is for me. This is the first exercise class I have ever taken. I never wanted to even try them before because they scared me. It's all organized and it looks like dancing and the condensation that used to build up on the windows which was from people's sweat freaked me out.
My sister and friends were always like, "Oh I LOVE the classes! They're sooo fun!" And I always called bullshit and refused to try it claiming that "it wasn't my scene" and "I preferred to do my own thing" (eat McDonald's on my couch). Well, that is not entirely true. There is a real reason why I would never even try it.
When I was a senior in high school, I tried out for the high school musical. There was a singing audition, an acting audition and ...a dance audition. I nailed the singing audition. They told me I had the perfect voice for one of the leads. Next came the acting. I admit I have no acting talent whatsoever, but no one does in high school, and I did a passable job and they said I did fine.
Then came the dance audition.
They brought in this lady to choreograph the play and for the audition, she was going to show us one part of the play where the leads and the chorus were doing some light dance moves. So everyone got into a line, she taught us the steps one by one and then we put it all together. You guys, I can shake my booty in anyone's face, obviously, but I cannot do organized dances. It was a complete and utter disaster. I was so bad that she kept yelling out my name to tell me what to do next because I would be 10 steps late and going the wrong direction. Then in the middle of the song, she stopped the music and said, "Okay, um...Sarah? Why don't you take a seat and just watch the others do this." Holy shit. She booted me halfway through the audition. And in front of all my friends. It was horrible, and because of it I ended up not being in the play but rather playing in the pit orchestra (playing my clarinet).
It's 12 years later, and I am still not over the trauma of that moment.
So what does that have to do with an aerobics class? Um, have you ever watched those classes? It's like organized choreography. It's the same exact effing thing as trying out for that godforsaken musical and even thinking about doing a class made me want to run home, put on a flannel, listen to Gin Blossoms and cry to my Jonathan Brandis poster.
But my goal lately is to make some life changes-be responsible for my own happiness and all that jazz (we'll come back to this at a later date)-and one of those changes is working out. I joined the rec near my house, and Diane encouraged me to try a class and said she would do it with me. I finally decided to show my high school self that I wasn't completely useless when it came to organized kind-of-choreographed moves. And what I found out is that I'm still completely useless.
Just kidding. I actually did okay. I can't do all the hand moves yet, and when I try I look like a retarded monkey. So I stuck to the footwork to start. I'd give myself, as a newbie, a B-/C+. But anything that slightly resembled a dance move was, of course, a disaster. Also there were things she called cheerleader moves that I was horrible at. There is a reason I was not a cheerleader. Actually there are about a hundred reasons why I wasn't a cheerleader not the least of which is that I thought I would get way more guys if I was in the pep band instead. Guys at sporting events are all about the band chicks.
The great thing about this particular class was that there were only like 8 people in it-all women, all my mom's age. It was glorious. They were so nice and supportive, as moms often are. They told me I did a good job for having never been to any class before and then they told us, "You guys HAVE to come back!" God I love moms.
All in all, I'd say that I think I did a pretty good job of facing my fear of organized movement routines. Plus the workout was really good, and I didn't even notice I was working out because I was concentrating so hard on getting the moves down the whole time so that she wouldn't make me sit down and watch.
However, I can already tell that in about 6 hours, I will be completely unable to move. I am going to need one of you to come over in the morning with a wheelbarrow and roll me to work. I can offer you payment in the form of pizza flavored Goldfish crackers. Any takers?
Tuesday, September 11, 2007
Two weeks ago was Hot Vendor Guy's last week in Cleveland. For our last hurrah, we decided to take him to see this new band. They're called The Bangles. Oh by new, I meant 20 years old.
Seriously, you guys. The Bangles. It was Tim (HVG), the Hor, me, Diane, Meg and Jen. That's right-Tim and 5 chicks. That's so fitting for a Bangles concert. We went to happy hour and dinner first where Hor and Tim decided it would be a good time to take up drinking whiskey. We proceeded to call Tim a p*ssy because he wouldn't drink it fast enough. Did I mention he was already like 5 vodka tonics in? We are good friends. I had decided early on to not drink too much so obviously I was wasted by 5:30. Our waitress sucked so bad I actually had to chase her down inside the restaurant and say, "You're our waitress, right? I'm not really sure because I've only seen you once in an hour and a half." Oh yeah what's up. I'm a badass. I'd just like to point out that had I been sober, Diane would've been sent to deal with the waitress issue. Ah-liquid courage.
The concert was at the House of Blues and was one of those standing room only ones which means we were able to get really close because we are pushy and rude. Let me just interject here that The Bangles played an important role in my youth in that they made me want to be in an all girl rock band more than anything. They also made me want to be Susanna Hoffs. For all my obsession with them, I have never actually seen them in concert. So this...this was a big deal, folks. A big, big deal.
When they first came out, I was like, 'Holy shit is this really happening!?' Then I was like, 'Who the eff is that playing bass?' Cuz it was not Michael Steele. Apparently she officially retired from The Bangles 3 years ago. This hurt me personally because it meant that they did not play "September Gurls" which almost made me want to die, but I got over it because Susanna Hoffs is so pretty.
Honestly. She's 48 and looks exactly the same. Tim never knew she was so good looking, and when she came out he was completely speechless. We actually had to leave him alone with his thoughts for a moment. Or as Danielle said when I asked her where Tim was at one point, "He's jackin' it to Susanna Hoffs."
Truth be told all the Bangles look fantastic for their age. And for my age. They were wearing mini skirts and fishnets and looked freaking awesome. I'm 20 years younger than they are and cannot get away with fishnets. No fair.
They sounded absolutely great. Oh my God I wish I was still listening to them. And okay I don't mean to keep harping on this, but seriously Susanna Hoffs is a goddess. Not only is she totally hot, but she is so. effing. cool! No woman looks cooler playing guitar. She kept tossing her hair around so it would be all in her face. If anyone else did that, they would look like they were trying too hard, but when she did it, it was the greatest thing we've ever seen. I don't even know if I can talk about "Eternal Flame". It was fucking amazing. Yeah I used the f-bomb. It was that good. When it was over, Jen turned to us and said, "She just turned me into a lesbian." She turned all of us, Jen. She turned all of us.
At one point, she was playing guitar and twisted down onto her knees to play, and I turned to Tim who was staring on in complete awe, and I was like, "Are you okay?" and he said, "Shhh-don't talk to me right now."
Then the best thing ever in the whole world happened. There was a quiet lull, and I yelled out, "I love you!" (yeah I'm that girl), and Vicki pointed at me and said, "We love you, too!" She said it to me. DIRECTLY TO ME, YOU GUYS. I completely lost my mind. When it was over, I immediately got into my car and started playing the "Different Light" album. Then I got this text from Jen:
"Eternal Flame for Diane and Drew's wedding song!"
You're a genius, Jen!
And, Bangles, it is 20 years later, and I have never wanted to be in a girl rock band more*. You are my heroes!!!
*Does anyone want to start a girl rock band with me? Preferably you'll be able to play guitar, bass or drums since I can't play any of those. I can play clarinet if you want. There's always room for the clarinet in a rock band.