Wednesday, January 28, 2009

I assume you came back for your bomb?

Okay who watched it? My thoughts below (spoilers):

- First of all, Katie, you blew my mind with this: "Wouldn't it be weird if all the whispers that the Losties kept hearing around the island were in fact their future selves stuck in the same moment as the island moves around in time and trying to warn them? Just a thought..."

-Um...JACK!? Hello??

- Okay what is the deal with Faraday? Just tell us what you know, Faraday! I don't have time for you answering direct questions like this, "Just don't worry. I won't let anything happen to you." Oh thanks. That clears everything up. Now I understand why you know everything about the island and what your mom has to do with all this and why you were able to get Desmond to help. Great.

- Speaking of Desmond. I like how Penny's like, "Desmond, don't go back to that island." And he's like, "Why in God's name would I go back there?" Hmm..foreshadowing much? Also Lindsay pointed out to me that he named his son Charlie. Oh my God that is so cute. He and Charlie really got close before the writers decided to rip out my heart and drown Charlie in an underwater grave. Also what was up with Desmond's groovy 70's look that he had going on? He looked hot but I needed a few more buttons open on his shirt.

- Brandi, it's not just you-Richard Alpert is hot.

- Miles is hilarious. More of him talking to dead people, please.

- Now we know why Richard came to visit Locke when he was little: cuz old Locke told him to! (Ed. note: holy shit)

- Holy poopstains! Charles Whidmore is the young kid on the island! Urban Princess, you are a fucking genius! I should've guessed, though, since he's so annoying and a total prick. I like how Locke's like, "It's nice to meet you." Locke's so creepy awesome.

- Charlotte is outta here, yo.

- An open letter to Juliet: Dear Juliet, You know, I hated you so much when you first came on the show, but finally toward the very end of last season, you started to win me over. And I actually liked you because you finally laid all your cards out on the table. Or maybe you're a gd liar who's still hiding stuff. The others speak Latin? Why? What are they doing there exactly? Also you know all about Richard and how old he is, but didn't tell anyone? Um, let's spill it, Horiet! Our friendship can still be salvaged if you just freaking talk. P.S You and Sawyer are totally gonna do it.

- So you know how now there's the possibility that none of the people who are dead are really dead? I've decided the greatest thing ever would be if everyone from Flight 815 who survived the initial crash ended up being alive in the finale. Like if they brought back Shannon, Eko (hot), Charlie, etc. Would that be effing awesome or what? Man I'm such a dork. Always wanting a fairytale ending. But seriously bring Boone back.

Okay, people, lay your thoughts on me.

Monday, January 26, 2009


I just saw someone open one of these and the juice squirted out all over their crotch. Oh wait. That was me. It's cold, you guys. But at least I look good.

Friday, January 23, 2009

One more reason to hate winter

Last night my sister was walking into her house and slipped on ice, fell and broke her nose. Holy crap. That is the second ice-related accident that has happened this year. I was on the phone with her when it happened, and all I heard was a loud noise, her yelling and screaming and then the phone cut off. Obviously I reacted calmly and coolly. And by that I mean I completely lost my mind and called her back 20 times. Finally I got a hold of Drew who said this to me, "Hey-Diane busted her face open. I'll call you back." Ah-busted her face open. Soothing. He called me back soon after to say that it was just her nose-no other part of her head or face. They went to the hospital to make sure it was nothing else. Diane, of course, didn't think she needed to go. Because she is normal.

My favorite parts of this story:
- Diane almost fell again leaving the house to go to the hospital.
- They stopped for Burger King on the way to the hospital.
- Drew almost fell when they got back from the hospital.
- I got a text message from Diane later in the night that said: "I look like the guy from Mask!!"

Now that I know she is okay, it's time to make fun of her. Just kidding, Diane. Don't worry-you look beautiful.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

We have to go back

Okay, my fellow Losties, did you watch it? I will borrow a quote from Matt Kennedy Gould, star of season one of "The Joe Schmo Show": What is going on here?!?

My friend Lindsay and I were texting the entire show and here is a summary of each text message: "Seriously WTF is going on?"

My thoughts (spoilers ahead):

- Holy crap did I miss my hot Lost men. Jack...oh my God I almost forgot how gorgeous he was. Sawyer should never have a shirt on. Sayid is a hot badass. pretty in all his sensitive and open-shirted glory. Yes yes yes.

- Seriously Sayid is scary badass. He's all, "How about if I kick your ass while I have a tranquilizer dart in my back?" When he threw that guy off the balcony, I could've done without the splattering sound when his head his the concrete. That's all I'm saying.

- Hey you know who else was kind of badass last night? Sun. What is up? She scared me a little bit. I couldn't tell if she was being for real with Kate about forgiving her for leaving Jin on the boat. I kind of felt like there was some threatening subtext to what she was saying, "I don't blame you...but I will cut you." P.S. Please let Jin be alive.

- I swear to baby Jesus if someone doesn't tell me why it's so important for all of them to be back on the island together I will lose my mind and start threatening people Sun-style.

- Hurley's recap of what happened on the island that he gave to his mom made me laugh so hard. I freaking love him.

- Funny conversation that I don't think was supposed to be funny:
Jack's looking around for something.
Ben: "Are you looking for your pills, Jack? I threw those out."
Jack: "Oh good. Yeah I was totally going to do that. That's why I was looking for them."

- Wait so they are just careening through time? What is up with that? And someone freaking tell me what is up with Richard? That guy never ages and knows everything. Lindsay called him the Puppetmaster and he so is!

- So Daniel nerdy physicist guy is kind of untrustworthy but also their only hope, right?

- Scary grandma lady from earlier seasons!? Remember??

- Sawyer kept calling that guy Frogurt. Best nickname ever. I could not stop laughing. Well, that's not true. I guess I stopped laughing when Frogurt took THREE FLAMING ARROWS TO THE CHEST AND BURNT TO DEATH!! Ew! Who was throwing those arrows at them?

- Seriously when are Juliet and Sawyer gonna hook up?

- John Locke...dead but not? More details please, Lost writers!

Please fill me in with your thoughts. Man I missed this show.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Thanks for your coats

The coat drive on Sunday was a rousing success. Steph had a personal goal for herself to collect 30 coats. She collected 120 coats plus $200 from the night's sales. Not too shabby for something she and Danielle threw together only a couple weeks ago. People just kept showing up dropping off coats. It was really wonderful. I'll admit it, it gave me a warm and fuzzy feeling.

At one point, Matt and I were talking to Steph as she was organizing the coats, and Matt saw a guy carrying a video camera walking across the street toward us. He goes, "Steph, is that guy with the video camera here with you?" Steph said, "Oh God no." Ten seconds later, the guy walked into the bar and asked for the person in charge of the coat drive. After he was directed to Steph, he walked up and said, "Hi there. Can I get some shots of you organizing the coats?" Matt and I ran away so fast I swear you could see a smoke trail. The guy ended up being from the local news. He saw one of Steph's flyers and wanted to come do a story on it. He was there for a while and interviewed Steph for a long time. The best part about that was that since it was a holiday weekend, they didn't have enough reporters. He didn't want Steph to be looking directly at the camera while she was talking so he had Danielle stand next to her holding the mic as if she was the reporter. To all of us, it looked like they were little kids just playing news reporter*.

The news story that aired ended up being roughly 15 seconds long with none of Steph's interview shown. Just shots of her organizing the coats. There were also some crowd shots the guy had taken. He walked into the bar and turned on the camera, and I was like, "Everyone suck it in!" Diane was in the middle of reenacting what it looked like on Saturday when Sharda and her were essentially inhaling tortilla chips so she quickly stopped and made a weird face. Then we all started fake laughing and looking like we were having just an absolutely fabulous time having a fabulous conversation because we are just fabulous people with fabulous lives. Later on the news, all you saw was Diane's weird face. Awesome. She wasn't worried about it really, though, because she was way in the back, and it was dark and only people who knew she was there would notice. This morning at work, someone asked her if she was on the news. I love life.

One last thing about the coat drive: Steph and Christy had invited some guy they met Friday night. Steph introduced him to me, "Sarah, this is Eric. Can you take him inside and introduce him to people?" So I did. I introduced him to maybe 15 people. "Hey, guys, this is Eric. He's in town on business." Yesterday Steph was looking at the sign-in sheet. His name is not Eric. It sounds like Eric, but it is not. That. is. awesome. It's fine-he was totally creepy anyway.

P.S. I'm at home right now watching the inauguration coverage. I have never seen so many people in one place. People who have traveled hundreds of miles and are standing so far away from the action in the freezing cold and literally do not care. It's unreal. People are really emotional, and it's making me emotional. Except one lady has a sign that says "Arrest Bush", and that disappoints me. Shouldn't we spend today looking forward instead of back? I mean isn't that the whole point? Come on lady. You can come up with a better sign than that. How about "Hi Mom!"?

P.P.S. What is happening to Chester Cheeto? Remember when he was a cute cartoon? Why is he a terrifying animatronic thing come to life?

*You know how when you're little, vocations are games. I want to play teacher. I want to play banker. I want to play Quality Analyst for the Production Assurance department of a large corporation. I know we've all played that last one.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Baby, it's mothereffing cold outside

Okay who else is in the middle of this massive cold weather clusterfuck? I literally cannot believe how cold it is outside today. I remember my junior year in high school, we had 3 days in a row with temperatures this low and they gave us snow days. What gives, corporate America? Is my life less valuable now that I'm an adult? Yes? Oh okay. Thanks for clarifying.

Walking in to my building this morning, I said something I've never said before in 32 years of life on this earth: "I can't feel my ass." Then my mascara started transforming into some dry/wet, solid/liquid sludge type of consistency. When I got to my building, I stopped to look in a mirror, and the mascara looked like it was trying to escape my eyelashes by crawling onto my face. I was going to leave it to make myself look "edgy", but then I realized I looked way too much like Malcom McDowell in "A Clockwork Orange". I've also decided that I am wearing my dorky snow boots all day. All day and night and possibly until March. I see no point in wearing any other shoe. Plus I have a space heater (shh-they're illegal at my work) pointed directly at me which I will leave on all day. Listen I'll be honest, I don't ever want to go outside again so I might just live in my cubicle until spring. It'll be fine. I have access to vending machines and I can surf the Internet and continue reading the story about the guy who tried to fake his own death by crashing his plane. You guys, seriously, I can't stop reading about it. It's way too ridiculous. Besides being a Class A prick, the guy is also an effing idiot. And I would bet lots of money-that I did not invest with this crook-that his trophy wife is in on it, too. Holy crap it's so awesome. I mean I feel bad for their kids, but really it's like a bad Lifetime movie. Oh my God I hope they make a Lifetime movie out of it.

Speaking of plane crashes...what is up with that plane crashing into the Hudson River? Holy crap! I can't believe no one was killed. Amazing!

ALSO...did you read this story about the two friends who were driving home, and the driver decided he was too drunk so he and his friend switched places only his friend was wasted, too? Isn't that hilarious? And I really don't want comments like "Drunk driving isn't funny" because seriously save it for your MADD meeting. I know drunk driving isn't funny. But this story? This story is fuuuunnny.

Yeah it's decided. I'm going to spend all day reading the news. Forget working. It's too cold out.

P.S. Winter skee ball started last night, and we totally won. We are so athletic. Or, you know, good at rolling a ball in a straight line.

P.P.S. Friday Night Lights! Friday Night Lights! Friday Night Lights! Set your DVR!

Monday, January 12, 2009

Okay Seriously isn't always just about Okay Seriously all the time

To Clevelanders:

So I don't know if you've heard of this National Day of Service, but Obama is asking Americans to take part in it this weekend. Basically it's a call to all of us to make a difference in the lives of those who need it. No matter what your politics are, I think we can all get behind helping those less fortunate than us, and if you can't then you are a horrible person. Not that I am prone to snap judgements or anything, but why is your heart made of stone?

To coincide with the National Day of Service, Steph has put together an event. Obviously. Because she can't just take part in an existing one. She has to go set up her own. Whereas I just show up and give money, Steph feels an inherent need to go one (or twelve) steps further. It's awesome. Anyway, the West Side Catholic Center on the near westside, a nonprofit homeless resource, is short on men's coats this winter. Steph managed to team up with Bier Markt and Bar Cento for a coat drive. From 4:30-8:30pm, she'll be on hand with a few friends to collect coat donations on Sunday, January 18. If you have any coats, particularly men's coats, please find it in your heart to stop by and drop them off. If you don't have any coats, you can still participate because 15% of all sales all day and evening will be donated directly to the Center. All you have to do is mention the WSCC to your server or bartender. Again, this event isn't sponsored by a group or by Bier Markt. Steph just came up with it and recruited some friends to help. She did the hard part. The rest is up to us.
P.S. For those of you that don't know, Bier Markt and Bar Cento are connected and are on W. 25th St. in Ohio City-right across from the West Side Market.

P.P.S. To those not in Cleveland: Find out what's going on around you and how you can help:

P.P.P.S. Here is another cool way to help kids: St. Jude's Recycled Card Program. It's a chance for you to do something nice for those kids from the St. Jude's commercials that you always watch because you feel guilty changing the channel, and then you end up blubbering into your Lean Cuisine because some 4 year old has lost all his hair from his third round of chemo treatments but he's still smiling and happy and fighting hard and you can't even walk up a set of stairs without complaining about how your knee is clicking so then you go into a guilt spiral and eat a half gallon of ice cream. Now you can actually DO something for that kid and assuage some of the guilt. Plus you get to unload all your old Christmas cards or extra Christmas cards from this year that you can't send for a minimum of 2 years because you can't be the person who sent the same card 2 years in a row.

Friday, January 09, 2009

My Christmas Vacation by Okay Seriously

Christmas was awesome as usual. I seriously couldn’t love that holiday more. But I should probably take my lights and decorations down soon before my neighbors egg my house. There’s just me and one other house left-the two holdouts of the neighborhood. I’m hoping to outlast them, and I’ll tell you what: I think I can win this. My laziness knows no bounds.

The Saturday after Christmas, we had a party for Aloyd’s 30th birthday. We went to a bar, and it turned out be karaoke night. We thought this might dampen the fun of our party. What it did was exactly the opposite. I don’t think the karaoke dude was prepared for us, but he had to get used to it fast because we descended on him like a fat girl on a cupcake…or like me on a cupcake. Many songs were sung-almost all by people from our party (sorry, other people at the bar!). I wish I could remember what songs I sang, but I cannot. I know there was some Heart and some Pat Benatar. Eventually the singing was replaced with just plain dancing. After hours of drunken singing and dancing and general jackassery, it was time to go home. And that’s when I finally noticed that a senior manager at my company was at the bar. Someone who I had literally just spoken to two days earlier so there was no way he didn’t recognize me. I stealthily hid behind a wall and then walked out shielding my eyes and employing the Toddler Peek-a-boo theory of ‘If I can’t see him, he can’t see me.’

The next day on my way home from Diane and Drew’s, I started to feel sick. Cursing myself for drinking so much vodka, I laid in my recliner waiting for the hangover to wear off. A couple hours later, the entire contents of my stomach was in the toilet, and I was puking steadily every 1.5 hours for the next two days. Stomach flu. Gdammit. I haven’t had the stomach flu in years. And I think it’s been waiting in the wings, trying to find the perfect moment to strike. And what a moment it picked-my first long vacation in forever. I was sidelined for 5 days. My New Year’s Eve was spent on my recliner in my pajamas watching my “Scrubs” DVDs. Jealous?? My sister was sweet enough to bring me chicken noodle soup, magazines, pretzels and Gatorade. Sadly that was the highlight of my New Year’s Eve. I did get to watch VH1’s Best Year Ever special which made me want to pee my pants with laughter, and then I watched the ball drop with Taylor Swift, the Jonas Brothers, Demi Lovato and Lionel Richie. Seriously what the hell was Lionel Richie doing there? Was he the age 30+ crowd’s spokesperson? Because I am totally fine with that.

My original plan was to join my friends at a bar downtown. It’s a new place called Cadillac Ranch, and it’s really big and nice inside. We bought tickets which included appetizers and open bar. Apparently, the night did not go as planned as this new place was not prepared for the craziness that is New Year’s Eve. Since I heard it all third person, I won’t attempt to get too detailed here, but here are some of the things that went wrong:

- Around 11pm, the bartenders stopped serving the people who had paid for the open bar and would only serve people who had cash

- It was way too crowded with too many out of control drunk people. A really drunk couple walked up to Meg and shoved her into the bar. For no reason. She is actually bruised, you guys. That’s how hard they pushed her. Drew, who never ever gets mad, was pissed. When Diane and Steph saw him yelling at this couple, even though they had no idea what was going on, Steph punched the guy in the gut and Diane pushed them both back. Immature? Yes. Awesome? Yes. By the way, Steph punching someone? Not painful. I’m just saying she is very small.

- There is a back room in the bar, which they closed off because it was too crowded or there was a fight-I don’t really care what the reason was. The problem is, the coat room was on the way to the back room, and they wouldn’t let anyone get their coats. When my friends went up there the bouncers said, “You can’t get by.” My sister said, “Well we need to get our coats.” The bouncers said, “You can get them later.” Diane said, “When?” They said, “Two hours-when we close.” Um…are you effing kidding me? You can’t keep people hostage at your bar, Cadillac Ranch! I’m pretty sure they put that in the bar-owning rule book. From this point on, it just got ridiculous. Aloyd asked what was going on and the bouncer started screaming at him, “Stop spitting on me!” That’s a pretty normal reaction to a calmly stated and reasonable question. My sister, who when drunk and angry is a) hilarious and b) scary, and Steph, who when in lawyer mode is a) hilarious and b) scary, started explaining to the bouncers why what they were doing was illegal and that if they weren’t allowed to leave with their belongings, the police would be called. In the meantime, Matt was asking one of the bouncers what was going on, when they suddenly grabbed him and pulled him through into the blocked off area-to kick him out. You guys don’t know Matt, but he is possibly one of the tamest, least controversial people you will ever meet. The guy is always smiling, always happy and never causes trouble. In fact, when they pulled him through with force into the blocked off area, he thought it was to let him get his coat. He was like, “Thanks!” That’s how unassuming he is. When they kicked him out, he was so shocked he didn’t even know what to do. So he just went outside and got in a cab and went home. Awesome. Eventually my sister somehow snuck through while the bouncers were kicking some other guy out-for no reason I’m sure-and she got everyone’s coats and they got the hell out of there. By the time they left the bar, police cars and ambulances were showing up.
Nice job, Cadillac Ranch. Here’s a tip: get your shit together. Hire more people, hire less panicky bouncers and less asshole bartenders, sell fewer tickets and don’t eff over the people who paid tons of money to be there.

At any rate, I was sad to miss New Year’s, but after hearing of the drama, it was probably a good thing I wasn’t there. The good thing that came out of this was that the next day, all my friends wanted a New Year’s redo to cancel out the drama and to make sure I could celebrate with them. Seriously could I have more amazing friends? They re-celebrated New Year’s Eve for me! Who does that?

Our redo was on Saturday. We started at a winery where we thought we’d go for a glass or two. Or bottles. Whatever. We then made our way to a bar in Lakewood. As readers of this blog know, these types of activities-these special events-is where Steph shines. She brought party hats, crowns, noisemakers, confetti, party poppers, etc. I mean she went all out. She quickly won over the heart of the bar owner, then proceeded to have this conversation with him:

Steph: “I’m sure you have bottles of champagne left over from New Year’s. How much is it?”
Bar owner: “$18 a bottle.”
Steph: “Okay I’ll take 2 bottles at that price.”
Bar owner: “Okay that’s $36.”Steph: “No. I want 2 bottles at that price-$18.”
Bar owner, after a pause: “Okay.”

How does she do that, you guys? Anyway, so we dressed up, we had complete control of the jukebox which means we turned the bar into a dance party, we were loud and we were super fun. At first the bar patrons were annoyed with us, but they soon embraced us and our cause. At one point, Steph was in the bathroom and someone said to her, “I heard you guys are celebrating New Year’s because your friend died on New Year’s Eve. I’m so sorry.” Steph had no idea what to say so she just said yes thereby turning us into the friends who went out and got wasted a mere two days after our friend died. Nice.

It turns out, none of us had a watch with a second hand on it, so at 11:59 we just started counting down “10! 9! 8!” When we got to 1, we toasted with champagne, hugged and my sister sang “Auld Lang Syne”. We stayed till almost closing time, and I got hit on by a 24 year old. I told him I was too old for him, and he said, “What are you-like 28?” And I was like, “Yes. Yes I am.” Also if we had stayed just 10 minutes later, Steph had arranged with the manager for her to throw Matt out. Ho. ly. Crap. That would’ve been awesome.

It was hands down one of the best New Year’s Eves ever. I’m telling you guys, the secret to an awesome New Year’s Eve is to celebrate it a couple days later. Don’t pay any mind to the people who are looking at you like you’re crazy. I mean you are, but in the best possible way.

To my friends: I seriously love you guys. You are the best.

Wednesday, January 07, 2009

I'm in a post holiday funk

Editor's note:When I posted this I had some Blackberry issues so it messed up. It's since been cleaned up. Carry on!

So I owe you a lot of updates. But first let me tell you the biggest: I started a new job on Monday. No you're not crazy-I did just take a new job recently. Actually it was 14 months ago. It was a fantastic job, and I learned a ton, but over the past few months the nature of it changed, and I wasn't as happy. Then I was approached about a different job. A group here really wanted me to join their team for reasons still unknown. I even verified that they had the right person and everything. They insisted I was the one they wanted. OVER-RATED! Or maybe they just have a need for someone who is good at surfing the web, openly reading magazines at their desk and spilling pop on their keyboard. No matter the reason, I did end up taking the job and am now working for someone who I've worked with previously who I absolutely love. I'm still at the same company, in my same cubicle, with the same phone number. And can I be honest with you? I don't think some of the people from my old department know that I don't work there anymore. And, frankly, that is freaking hilarious so I'm trying to see how long I can keep them thinking I am on their team.

Some other news:
- The Jett Travolta thing is too sad. I can't even think about it without tearing up. What an awful horrible tragedy.

- Ohmigod Scrubs is back! Did you guys watch it? I completely lost it when JD was like, 'Black people have the smoothest skin.' then he started rubbing Turk's face and Turk was like, "No." Man that show is awesome.

- Last night I went to the gym. No I am not joking. I for real went. I like going there because I never see anyone I know. Oh wait. Or I end up sitting right next to a guy I work with. It's not that I don't like seeing people I know at the gym. It's that I don't like people I know to see me working out. I look like a drunk retarded giraffe trying to figure out how to use the shoulder press without having to put any actual weight on it at all. I'm glad I went, though, because then I went home and watched "The Biggest Loser" and realized I would pretty much do anything to avoid having to be a contestant on that show. I have never watched that show before, but my sister and John rave about it so much, I decided to try it out this season. Holy crap. I am already obsessed. Plus I cried a minimum of ten times. It's possible I have some estrogen overload issues.

- Last night I made eggs-over-medium and hash browns for the first time in my whole life. And they were awesome! I mean, yeah I did have to call Diane and my mom to ask them several questions on what to do, but still. This is big for me. Watch out, world: this is the new Sarah. She works out and makes breakfast foods that everyone else learned how to make in 7th grade!*

Special note to Renee:
Get better soon! Take a picture of the staples in your head. (Yes, people, staples. She fell on the ice last night and cracked her head open! I would make fun of her if I wasn't so worried about her. Maybe in a few months when she's completely healed I'll start the "How was your trip? See you next fall!" jokes and see how they land.)

Coming tomorrow: recap of my Christmas vacation.

*Ok truth time: I did also try to make toast and had my toaster set too high so it burnt and set off my smoke alarm. But I mean-everyone does that, right? Right?!?