Thursday, March 31, 2011

Letters for March 30th, 2011

Dear weather,
This is total bullshit.  It's March 30th.  I was already mad when I heard about the "light dusting" of snow we were supposed to get today.  Then I left work in a white-out and drove home in a blizzard.  At least it only took me over an hour to get home.  CAN YOU FEEL THE SARCASM??  I am a pretty patient person when it comes to Cleveland weather, but let's get a move on with the warm temperatures, please!  I don't even need 60 degrees.  But can we at least get out of the 30's?  For the love of God.  I'm starting to lose it.  I for real was yelling at the sky-out loud-walking into work on Monday.  Please get warmer before someone locks me up.

Dear insomnia,
Please see my first comment to "weather".

Dear Dan Gilbert,
It's really awesome that the Cavs beat the Heat last night, but you jinxed us with your hastily put together "we're going to win everything" open letter to the Internet last year.  Please get your shit together.

Dear friends,
Sorry that at 34 I still steer dinner conversations toward poop talk.  I'm sure you all expected at this age to go out to dinner and have some adult conversation, but you forgot one thing:  You are friends with me.  At least we used the classy and made up euphemism, "delivering a food baby" which, by the way, is how I'll be referring to it from now on.  P.S. I am not really sorry about this.  In fact, it was one of the highlights of the night, and I almost peed my pants laughing at that conversation.

Dear March Madness brackets,
I don't even know where to begin.  You...well the only word I can think of to describe what happened is, imploded.  You imploded.  I barely have words for the massacre that took place within your walls.  Of course I'm trying.  I'm working on my poem, but so many teams were involved in my ass beating this year that I'm not even sure where to start. 

Dear ass,
Sorry about your severe and brutal beating at the hands of pretty much every single NCAA men's basketball team this year.  P.S. Why are you so big?  Can part of you take a permanent vacation to someone else's body?  How about Chris Brown?  He is just one big giant ass so you will probably feel at home there.  Have fun.  Don't write. [Insert weird mental image of my ass writing me a postcard with a picture of Chris Brown on the front here.]

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Insert Charlie Sheen joke here

Hey does anyone know if anything horrible is happening in the world?  I haven't had my fill of depressing news the past couple of weeks.  Seriously between Japan (please, please, please donate anything you can possibly spare to help them) and Charlie Sheen which at first was hilarious then turned uncomfortable then really sad when we all realized his kids were still living with him, I could really use a drink or 10.  Thank God St. Patrick's Day is only 2 days away.  I really need to be able to bury my head in the sand and drink away all the pain happening in the world and wear glitter shamrocks and drink midori sours and be considered festive rather than a weirdo like usual.  Note: midori sours are awesome.

Other things I can use to distract me:

Wine party at Meg's house - Saturday we're going to Meg's to drink wine because she basically buys wine by the gross and then realizes she needs to have people over to drink it.  I am totally fine with this habit of hers.  This is exactly how we were all invited via text message:  "Wine, meatloaf, chix noodle on news party.  Meg's place.  March 19 @ 7pm."  Some explanation: Our friend Chicken Noodle (yes) was on the news (yes). 

Tax return - Seriously I better get a tax return this year.  I need it to fund my campaign to stop the remake of "Short Circuit" from happening. Because what. the. fuck. That's not even the right story.  A little kid from a broken family?  Um hello-ET already did it.  And better.  Plus-no offensive Indian stereotype?  No Ally Sheedy?  No GUTTENBERG!?  Go to hell, Hollywood!  And so help me God if some young girl with a symbol in her name or a young guy with girl hair takes a break from filming their Disney or Nickelodeon show to remake El Debarge's "Who's Johnny", I...I don't even...someone will die.  I mean that's the only logical conclusion.  Someone will have to die.

March Madness - This is it, you guys. This is my year. I am going to win the whole damn thing. Then I will write a poem about how awesome I am as opposed to how angry I am. I will probably still talk about hookers and taking it up the butt, though. I want my parents to be proud of me.

And lastly...

Greatest email ever?

Greatest email ever.

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

I'm getting you this for your birthday

You guys, this would look so good with your all denim outfit.