Friday, February 29, 2008

I was lost in Dance Dance Party Party and then I was Lost

So last night was Dance Dance Party Party. It was held in a Yoga studio, and when we walked in the yoga class was finishing up. Then it was done and the teacher said, "I just need a few minutes to clean up then you guys can have your rehearsal." Rehearsal! As if we were a dance troupe. Let me tell you something, we would make an interesting dance troupe-interesting in the very, very bad way.

We were all friends which I have to say I was very thankful for. As soon as Danielle started the music, no one really knew what to do. I was scared. Apparently we were just supposed to start dancing away, but I was in the corner giggling with Jen. Also I was having a hard time because a guy who either worked there or was a student was sitting there. He was in front of a partial wall not watching us, not paying any attention to us at all, but I was so acutely aware of his presence that I couldn't relax.

After a little while, though, just as their literature says, you start to not care about that, and you just dance. And that is literally all you do. Pretend you're drunk at a bar only the bar is a giant dance studio-that's how free you are to dance. It ended up being totally awesome. Except for at one point the owner of the studio came up and turned our music down because she was giving massages downstairs from us. What-10 girls screaming "Footloose" isn't relaxing? She walked in without warning while we were basically doing leaps around the room (some of us (Sharda) were doing stripper moves we learned in stripper class). For a little while after the music was turned down, we were a little calmer. It's funny how the volume of music is proportional to the ridiculousness of your dance moves. By the way I am using the term "dance moves" very lightly here. It was basically just running around and being idiots and doing things you used to do in your front yard when you were 5.

Eventually we were back up to crazy, and luckily that's when the guy who had been paying no attention to us the whole time chose to walk through the room. Sadly, it was during The Silver Spoons Theme song which was the song that was to cue us that the final third portion of the night was beginning. Yeah-Silver Spoons. Awesome. I am obviously an amazing dancer, and right as he was walking in, I was doing a big sweeping point at everyone in the room. So when he turned to looked at us, what he saw was me pointing at him and singing , "You and IIIIIIIIIII!!!" Add that guy's name to the long list of boys who will never date me.

All in all, Dance Dance Party Party is really weird, but really awesome especially if you do it with your friends. What's really sad is that I am incredibly sore today. And also I think I pulled a muscle trying imitate Jen doing the Roger Rabbit. By the way, this is the best video I have ever seen in my life.

After DDPP, I came home and watched Lost. Spoilers ahead.

You guys, I know I say this every week, but seriously that episode was EFFING AWESOME! I thought it was absolutely incredible. First of all, having a mostly Desmond episode is always good. Plus, WTF is going on with all the time travel, time delays, etc!? So effing cool!

I really, honestly like the squirrely scientist guy even though he's really weird. I wonder if he's been on this island before-doing testing. It seems he, and the rest of the crew, know so much about it already. Maybe he's been there, and he's experienced the time traveling phenomenon. Remember they made a big point about saying how when he ran his experiments at Oxford, he didn't wear any radiation protection on his head, and earlier in the show he said it happens to people who have been exposed to high levels of radiation or electromagnetism? It might explain his memory loss and why when he saw the footage of the Oceanic 815 wreckage and realized where it had crashed, he was crying like a baby. Remember that? Maybe he knew that meant he'd have to go back to the island. I just feel very strongly that he's been here before. I'm sure I'm wrong because I always am.

Other questions:

So now we know for sure the island is not operating on normal time. So if a day on the island = about 20 minutes in real life, how long have they really been on that island? Like 2 days? HOLY EFF!

Does this mean the Dharma Initiative was there doing experiments on the strange island time?

Why is Desmond so hot?

This island time thing would have to explain why women who get pregnant on the island can't have their babies, right?

Why is that group trying to find Ben?

Why did the white guy who played the Indian guy in "Short Circuit" look like he was 100 years old? How old does that make me?

If we know Sayid got off the island and he's on that boat now, does that mean Desmond gets off the island, too? He wouldn't be considered one of the Oceanic 6 because he wasn't on the plane so technically he could still be alive. Oh please, oh please, oh please!!

Why is Fahey so awesome on this show?

They have to be bringing Michael back soon, right? Because there's no way he got out of there on just a boat. It seems like you have to go through the air or something to break out of the weird island time crapola (these are all scientific terms, by the way).

This isn't a question but a final observation. When Scientist guy told Desmond he needed a constant, something he cared about in both 1996 and 2004, I was screaming at my television, "PENNY! PENNY!" And I said out loud, "I swear to God, Lost writers, if you make it so Des can't call Penny, I will absolutely kill you." And then he did, and it was one of the greatest moments that has ever happened on this show. If you didn't get a little weepy, you are dead inside. That was such a beautiful payoff, and I loved that she's been researching the island and knows where he is and she is never, ever going to stop looking for him. Oh my gosh, my heart can't even take it it's so amazing. I love you, Lost!

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

How can Matthew Fox be that hot

I'm sorry to my non-Lost watchers, but this post isn't for you. If you want good stuff you should go here or here today.

To my Lost friends: I just finished watching the last 2 episodes. Spoilers ahead.

Let me sum up my reaction to the ending of last week's episode:



Seriously what the hell is going on. Aaron is the 6th survivor? Aaron!?1?!? Yeah I just got so excited I temporarily let go of the Shift key and typed a 1 instead of a !. That's how major this is.

Questions. So many questions.

Is Ben considered one of the Oceanic 6? Someone tell me if I'm missing someone: Jack, Kate, Sayid, Hurley, Ben and Aaron, right?

Does this mean when Kate said, "He'll know I'm gone." that she was talking about Aaron? Cuz I'm much happier with that answer than with her being married to someone else.

What happens to Sun and Jin and Bernard and Rose and Desmond and that not quite as big of a hor as last season Juliet?

Seriously what's wrong with Locke? Like he's completely lost it, right? When he put the grenade in that dude's mouth, I shat my pants.

Can I just say that if I saw a man with a dress shirt on and only one button buttoned down by his belly button and long hair, I would immediately point and laugh? But that is Desmond's look every episode, and it's the most glorious look I have ever seen.

To follow up my last thought...well, this isn't really a question, but more like a threat. Writers, if you kill off Desmond, I will hunt you down and stick a grenade in your mouth. Well, I mean I can't really get a hold of a grenade so maybe I'll just pour lime juice and Bailey's into your mouth and duct tape it shut. Not as life threatening, but Cement Mixers are gross, and you won't be able to spit it out. Ha!

When is Jack going to find out that Claire is his sister?

Did the trial happen before or after Jack had a breakdown and grew an unruly beard and met Kate at the airport? I'm thinking before. If that's the case, who died? It has to be Ben, right? No one would know him in the real world because he's lived on the island his whole life and has no family.

Why aren't Kate and Jack together? He LOVES her. He loves her! Why are you doing this to me, writers? I've had to put up with so many Sawyer and Kate love scenes. Can I please just get one, measly little Kate and Jack love scene? Please? They're so pretty together.

How did Ben get Sayid to work for him? Sayid said it had to do with a woman. What woman? And why is he killing people? It sounds like it's to protect the Oceanic 6, right? But who is coming after them? Probably whoever creepy black guy works for. They probably know the 6 left others on the island.

Sawyer doesn't make it off the island!?!?1 Yeah there's the 1 again. Holy crap. How can this be. I don't want him and Kate together (thank God no baby), but I still love him. I can't believe Kate would leave him behind. Unless he was dead. Oh my God. Do you think he's dead?

You guys, I feel like I need a vacation just to recover from this show. Please discuss this with me.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Election Shmelection

Is election year almost over? It's starting to piss me off-sorry, Steph. Last night I got a phone and my caller ID said it was from Virginia. I happily answered it thinking it was my friend Brian. No. It was some chick trying to get me to vote for Hillary. I can't take it anymore you guys. They call me all the time. Leave me alone, candidates, or I swear to God on election day I'll pencil in Dr. Jack Shephard.

Also to my Clevelanders and Miami University alum: hell yeah effing Szczerbiak is coming to town! Wally, you are hot and awesome and I will love you always after you took us to the Sweet Sixteen in 1999. And you can pretend like you don't remember me following you around campus and giggling anytime you smiled in my direction, but I know you remember our special bond. A stalker-stalkee bond is hard to forget.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008


Um...I have no excuse for not blogging except that I am lazy and am trying to cram for book club. It's on Thursday. I started reading the book last night. Hmm-it's like I'm in high school again.

This past weekend Christy planned a girls event-barhopping and a scavenger hunt. It was awesome. Some examples of things we had to find/get:

- Worst V-day story from a girl and from a boy
- A boy who would let you kiss him
- Someone who moved to Cleveland from a different state
- A stranger's best pick up line he's heard and the best he's given

For that last one I met a guy who said, "Well I don't know if this is the best, but it's the weirdest. One girl came up to me and asked if she could smell my butt."

After at least 15 seconds of silence during which I just stared at this guy suspiciously, I said, "Nuh-uh. That's not true.". And he said, "I swear to God she said, 'Can I smell your butt?'. Not exactly the kind of girl you take home to meet mom if you know what I'm saying."

How awesome is that!? That rivals the guy who came up to me at the bowling alley and asked if I would like it if he stuck his finger in my butt. We should get those two together. Then they could involve themselves in all the crazy assplay they can handle. Sorry I said 'assplay', Dad.

Christy always brings goody bags for her girls events and this day was no different. We got conversation hearts, lip gloss rings (which I'm wearing at work today), candy, gum, glow necklaces and fake tattoos which I promptly pasted all over my body. I put one on my boob so Steph, feeling left out, put a postage stamp on hers.

Even though I did well on the scavenger hunt, Steph still handily kicked everyone's ass. That girl will talk to anyone and everyone. Something else she managed to do Saturday night: turn her friend, Lori, into a lesbian. We were talking to a bartender who had just told us she was off men and into girls and Steph said, "Oh cool! My friend is coming into town next weekend. You should meet her." Lori, who is coming to visit, is engaged to a man. So this should be interesting. Lori, I'm just saying you have options.

God I love girls' nights.

Stay tuned for a St. Patrick's Day scavenger hunt. I'm scared.

Thursday, February 14, 2008


So this year for Valentine's Day I thought I'd share with you this article that suggests that unmarried women in their 30's should consider settling. Happy Valentine's Day! Here's a noose, unmarried ladies!

As a rebuttal to this, my friend Lisa sent us an email yesterday from the library where she works as a sexy librarian. I am going to paste it in here in its entirety because it's just too awesome:


On the day before V-day Day...I relay this story of why it is better to NOT SETTLE.

So, this couple has been in the Children's area on the Internet since I write this it is 7:23. Mom, who's about my age, was filling out a job application and Dad is on MySpace. So, while Mom tries to entertain her baby and toddler WHILE filling out a job app, Dad screws around on my space and never turns around once. Yes, you read correctly...Mom is looking for a job while holding her infant and wiggly screaming 2-year-old, while Dad....plays. on. MySpace. Not once does he offer to help, or God forbid, take the kids so, you know, Mom can look for a job!!!!!!! I can't believe people!

So Mom finished with her job app about are starting to get bored etc...asks Dad if he is almost done. Dad says yes, in a few minutes.

Um...they are still here. Dad is still on MySpace. He's spent the last 3 hours on MySpace, looking up Alice Cooper tribute bands and kung fu sites (I wish I could make this stuff up) while his children scream and his woman tries to calm them. Lest you think he is not helping, he has helpfully yelled at his woman for letting the kids yell and occasionally screams, "Don't whine! Bruce Lee doesn't whine!" to his two-year-old. No words, guys! No. words.

I would so rather be alone forever and be eaten alive by one of my 47 cats than ever, ever, ever settle for that guy.

PS.....Dad just told Mom she can't go to the restroom because he can't handle the kids without her.

Never settle, ladies."

To sum up: "Bruce Lee doesn't whine" is my new favorite catchphrase.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

I have Poise

So while I was at the Home & Garden show Saturday taking pictures of new species of hair, I needed to use the facilities. Now okay listen-I know that literally three posts ago I said I would not talk about female time of the month stuff, and also I don't want to gross you guys out, but I need to tell you this. And I mean we're all adults here, right? Well okay in age only perhaps but still.

Anyway, I went to use the facilities which are in the basement of the place, and I discovered that I had a need for a feminine product. I called my sister to come downstairs, but she didn't have anything. So I went out to the machine and put a quarter in. Nothing happened. So I tried again. I was really struggling. Three older women came over to me and said, "Are you having trouble, honey?" and started to help me. Let me just sidetrack here for a moment and say that people will ignore you if you fall on the sidewalk and break your leg-I mean they'll just walk right over you. But if you are a woman and you need a feminine product, suddenly it's like the ya ya sisterhood up in there. It's like they sense that a woman is in need, and they band together to help you through this difficult time. I'm not kidding. This has been my experience over and over. I think maybe the secret to world peace lies somewhere in the realm of women and lack of feminine products, but I don't have time to work out the details right now.

Anyway okay I was in the bathroom struggling with the product machine and three ladies were helping. One said, "I think I have something upstairs in my backpack. I'll run and get it for you." The two other ladies managed to get out my quarter and try a different one. It was a no go. Effing machine. So as they were trying to get out their quarter, my hero lady came back downstairs and handed me a pad. I bowed to all of them and thanked them profusely for their help, and they were all so sweet and said, "Please-we've all been there."

Five minutes later I emerged from the bathroom secure and happy...and almost definitely wearing an incontinence pad. Seriously. I'd bet $20 it was made by Depends. The thing was huge and was clearly shaped for all over coverage down there. I just tried to draw it, and it looked like a penis so I'm not going to put a picture of it in here. My poor parents already have to deal with one daughter who draws penises and hangs them on trees. So let's just use an analogy:

This pad was to normal pads as a whale is to a peanut.

Does that help you envision just how big this thing was? It won't help you envision how in the back it was specially shaped to fit under your ass. I'll let you guys imagine that on your own. Bottom line: It was one step short of having leg holes.

Now let me just clarify here that in no way am I lessening what this woman did for me. She was sweet and kind and she really helped me out when I needed her, and I am so so appreciative. But seriously I could've pissed in my pants, and it wouldn't have mattered. That's really all I'm trying to say.

31 is definitely way younger than I had anticipated needing adult diapers. I thought maybe 36, 37. Oh well. I guess I'll just adjust my timetable to move up the ordering of my first Rascal.

How about the greatest picture ever taken with a side of Lost recap?

It's true-I have been avoiding you until I got a chance to watch Lost. I'm sorry. I know it's childish, but I didn't want to show up here all like 'Hey here's what happened this weekend blah blah blah martinis blah blah wasted by 6pm blah blah dude at bar told Sharda she had the smallest ears he's ever seen, etc.' pretending like Lost never happened when I knew you guys would be like, 'Is there a Lost post in our future or what? Because what is up with the guy who talks to dead people seriously.' So I watched it. We will discuss in a minute.

There really isn't more to the story about that guy telling Sharda she had the smallest ears ever. He was just some drunk dude at a bar who made it a point to stop by and tell her that. Then he proceeded to walk a small distance from her and say, "Can you even hear me right now?" If this is mens' idea of flirting, we are all in trouble, ladies.

Saturday I went cake* tasting with my sister and Drew to look for wedding cake. Other people who came: my parents, Drew's brother, Meg. We have been cake tasting 3 times. Each time with no less than 4 people. I mean really. Free cake, you guys. It's awesome.

After cake tasting we went to the Cleveland Home and Garden show. I believe I've spoken about this before. It's basically just a big giant room filled with booths of people selling home-related stuff like windows, furniture, gardening stuff and denim shirts with giant pictures of eagles and wolves on them. Yeah once you get to the back of the show it's just a bunch of people selling crap that you can't even believe someone actually took the time to create in the first place. There was one whole booth of just puffy nail files with like little charms in the puffy part. WTF. Why. Why on earth is someone wasting their time on this. I'll tell you why: cuz somewhere there's some effing douche actually spending their disposable income on it.

There are just certain things you expect to see at this Home & Garden show. Booths with crap normal people would never buy is one of them. Other things include Amish people, dude walking around with a cape on and camel rides. Obviously these are all things I saw. But then I saw something I've never seen before. Something only the lucky few of us will ever see in a lifetime. I saw this:

So many people I've showed this picture to have said, "What is that, hor? I don't get it." It's that guy's actual hair. I am not even shitting you. At first when I saw it, I didn't know what to do. I wanted to reach out and touch it to see if it was real. Then I was afraid it would bite me. So I did the only thing I could do. I grabbed my cell phone and took like 17 pictures of it. Can you believe this? No. You can't. Johnnie Virgil's exact response to this picture: "Holy Portuguese man-of-war Batman." Amen, JV. PS this guy was wearing a long black leather jacket with fringe. Obviously.

Okay so Lost. *Spoilers ahead* What are we officially calling these new people from the ship? Shippies? Other Others? I guess I'll just call them shippies for now. I have to say-I think they're all pretty cool. The guy who talks to dead people is totally going to be awesome on this show, don't you think? There are so many dead people for him to talk to. Plus there are people who die and come back alive (Eye Patch) and a person only a few can see (Jacob). I see so much potential for this character.

The skinny squirrely dude who plays a skinny squirrely dude in every single movie I've seen him in, freaks me out a little. I can't tell if he's really good and will end up helping our Losties or if he's just playing them by acting a little weak and will really end up effing them.

The chick's a little annoying. But obviously she knows something about Dharma because she found that collar on the polar bear skeleton in the desert. WTF!! Clearly the Dharma Initiative experimented not just on that island right? They probably had similar complexes in several parts of the world. Holy effing crap.

Lastly the pilot. Um...Jeff Fahey has not aged well. I'll just lay that out right now. Yikes, Jeff. However, in every movie I've seen him in-even when he's playing a good guy-he has like a little bit of a crazy look. Like you're not sure if you should really trust him or not. So I think that makes him perfect for this part. Plus he knew the plane pilot and was supposed to be flying the plane so you know he has emotional reasons for taking this new mission which will be interesting.

What do they want with Ben? Who is Ben's guy on the boat? Maybe it's skinny squirrely guy. That's kind of my feeling right now. Why is Ben still alive? How many ass beatings can that small old white guy take anyways? Why is Jack so hot? Are the Oceanic 6 going to get off the island in that helicopter? Locke has completely lost his mind, right? I mean he's still awesome, but yikes. And seriously "Walt saved me." WALT!? What! Why is that kid still around creeping everyone out? Go home, Walt! I like how they made a point to say that he was older and taller. That way if they bring him on again it's already explained. Also Sawyer's reaction was priceless, "Taller? You mean like a giant?" Awesome.

Oh one more thing: Creepy black guy? Still creepy.

*I almost did not write 'cake'. I first accidentally typed a word that is similar sounding and is another word for male genitalia. And I just want to say that I most certainly did not go around tasting those. Especially not with my parents in tow.

Friday, February 08, 2008

Together we can bring about change

You guys, Steph forwarded me some alarming and disturbing news this morning. Friday Night Lights is in danger of being canceled. I don't think you understand what this means. It means, in a nutshell, that my life will be over.

I am coming to you as my Internet friends and asking, nay begging, you to inundate NBC with emails and letters, etc. asking them to keep FNL on forever because it's the best show in the entire universe. I'm not even kidding, it's one of the best shows that's ever been sent through the magic box in my living room, and while TV maybe shouldn't be given this much importance, life without it would be less bright.

Tuesday, February 05, 2008

Lots of random things and some sophisticated drawings from John

Okay, guys, we have some business to attend to. First of all, stop what you're doing and watch these two videos if you haven't already:

Sarah Silverman is f*cking Matt Damon. I don't like her all that much, but holy cripes this is funny.

Conan O'Brien, Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert throw down. There were horses and a man on fire, and I killed a guy with a trident.

Next, okay I know this story is horrible and awful, but oh. my. God. I laughed my ass off. This lady actually had a case of beer in a seatbelt but a 16 month old baby not in a seatbelt. Holy crap! Sidenote: Of course it was Busch beer. What other kind would it be. Honestly.

Here are some pictures I never showed you. First the backstory: On my birthday, John forgot it was my birthday until Scott wished me a happy one. Then after lunch, he came down to my office and delivered a present to me. It was wrapped in handmade wrapping paper:

Also he made me a card which was truly from the heart:



Okay I tried to make a joke here about menstrual blood, but I almost made myself puke so we'll just let John's card be the end of the period jokes.

Lastly to my ladies of Cleveland. Have you heard of this new workout craze called Dance Dance Party Party? Basically you go to the workout room, listen to awesome music and just dance. Seriously. Dance as crazy as you want. Greatest workout class ever. So Steph heard about this and wrote to the DDPP creators and asked them when they were bringing their act to Cleveland. Their response? Find a space, and we'll send you everything you need to get started. So what did Steph do? She found a space! Are you effing kidding me? It's been like less than 2 weeks since she even found out about it, and now she has found a studio willing to let us have a class there, and Miss Danielle who might hate you has created a web site for it. Please take a look at it and read the FAQ section to get more info. The site is brand new so keep checking back for more information and a schedule. Then get your hot asses out here, and let's effing dance.

P.S. I promise this will be one of the only posts where I will say "menstrual blood".

What's up?

First of all, Happy Birthday to Drew.

Second of all, goddamn you, Pedigree. Goddamn you. You're just mean.

Third of all, you know you drink too much if on the day after drinking:
- You find yourself at the grocery store in your pajamas, slippers and giant nerd glasses that you only wear at home in private.
- You have to apologize to people for bringing them in on your financial issues
- Someone says this to you and you have no idea what they're talking about: "The best part of your Pat Benatar dance was when you threw down the chair. You screamed out, "I'm going to throw down this chair!" then you politely set it on its side."

Fourth of all, holy Lost, Batman. Are you effing kidding me? That episode was a total mindfuck. In like the best way possible. I feel like I'm watching a 6 year long movie, and it's awesome! Plus I love focusing on Hurley for an episode. I've said before I've always thought that Charlie and Hurley were the heart of the show, and it was nice to have that back. It felt a lot like season 1 greatness to me. Okay so Hurley gets off the island. And goes crazy before Jack does. Obviously they left people alive on the island, right? I mean there were so many clues. Let's play my favorite Lost game: What is Up With

What is up with...

...Charlie showing up and smacking Hurley in the face. "I'm dead, but I'm here." Wha??

...not telling me who the other 3 people that got off the island are. effing hot Jack is. Holy cripes are you kidding me?

...Hurley seeing the house and JACK'S DAD BEING THE ONE IN THE ROCKING CHAIR?? Also when that face appeared out of nowhere in the window, I shat myself. I heard that was Locke in the window. Anyone know?

...Hurley apologizing for following Locke instead of Jack. crying like an effing baby when Hurley told Claire Charlie was dead.

...creepy black dude who showed up at the mental hospital and asked if "they were still alive"? He meant the other people on the island, right? But seriously who is that guy, and why is he the creepiest guy ever since BenHenry?

...BenHenry calling Alex his daughter and Danielle wailing on him. That was awesome. sweet Sawyer is for following Hurley because I think he realizes Hurley needs a friend.

Holycrapwhathappenedonthatislandseriously!! God I missed this show.