Friday, December 30, 2005

Why I hate New Year's by Okay Seriously

New Year's seriously sucks. When I was younger it was the most amazing holiday ever-especially the year my mom and dad got us the New Kids on the Block concert on Pay-Per-View. But now it sucks. For one, there is nothing on Pay-Per-View anymore except wrestling. Boo. Second, there's always a lot of build-up, and it's never as awesome as you think it's going to be.

After about the age of 25 is when New Year's really starts to suck the most. At that age, people are starting to get together in serious relationships, and you start to slightly panic about being closer to 30 than 20. Pair that with the fact that New Year's actually has a built-in activity only for the people who have dates, and it quickly earns the title of Worst Holiday Ever. The part leading up to midnight is awesome, but once the ball drops, well, really I just want to go sit in a corner and throw stuff at people who are with someone.

Look I am a secure person. Would it be nice to have a boyfriend? Sure-I want someone to cook for me. Do I need a boyfriend? Absolutely not. I can get Diane to cook for me sometimes. But at New Year's, it's like a rule of the holiday or something that you have to have a date. And that really blows. Even Valentine's Day isn't that bad because it's not a for real holiday. Plus I can buy myself chocolates. I can't kiss myself at midnight-at least not without causing some serious injury to my neck. Or without being arrested.

I think I can sum it up best by quoting my friend Mike. A few years ago on New Year's Eve, we counted down, "...5...4...3...2...1!" and almost everyone around us started kissing-like junior high makeout party style-and Mike raised his glass and said, "God I hate my life" and downed an entire Jack and Coke. Yes-that is how I feel every effing midnight of every effing New Year's Eve.

The real rub is that 2 out of the past 3 New Year's, I actually had a boyfriend, but I didn't get to kiss him at midnight because he lived in stupid Baltimore. Stupid Baltimore-obsessed mofo.

All that being said, I have decided maybe this year will be different. I say that every year, but I really think it might this time.

1 - I am kissing everyone. I don't care who you are-I am kissing you. If you're near me, I'm coming for you. You've been warned (Woody).

2 - Our little group actually has a pretty solid base of single people, and we are a force to be reckoned with. And by that I mean we do not respect the sanctity of anyone's relationship and will make out with whoever we please.

3 - Diane bought me some Moscato D'Asti for Christmas. Hell yeah, Diane. You're a good little sister.

I don't want to sound like a total New Year's grinch. Despite it's suckiness, I do enjoy getting to spend this day with my friends, and I know this year will be fun. I hope everyone has an awesome holiday. Please be safe-no drinking and driving. Just do one or the other. And make sure the one you do is drinking.

I just received this email from Steph-things are looking up!

"I just learned…you are not allowed to do laundry or wash the dishes on New Years Day…if you do, you are washing away good luck (excuse to be slobs).

You are supposed to wear new shoes…(excuse to shop?) because it symbolizes what will come this year…new shoes show new outlook, fresh foot forward, whereas old shoes, repeat the same.

And kiss at midnight to show you have warmth…(I’m dead inside, suddenly I have an excuse to not have to kiss someone at midnight).

And make loud noise at midnight to scare away evil. Evil and the devil hate loud noises, hence the noisemakers. This is also good to know, because I am a very loud person which means the devil hates me*."

This is great info. I need new shoes.

*It's true, you guys, Steph is very loud.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Christmas 2005 Recap

Well another Christmas has come and gone. As usual, mine was amazing. I'm lucky enough to have all 4 of my grandparents still with me, and I got to see them all this year. That was definitely the best part of this year's holiday. Plus at dinner on Saturday my grandma said the sentence, "He has nuts coming out of his ears." And it was awesome.

On Friday my sister called me from Target and asked me if I needed anything while she was there. I told her what I needed and she wrapped it up and gave it to me for Christmas. As a result, this was my first Christmas present this year:

I'm not even going to act like I wasn't a little excited about it. As far as the rest of the presents I received are concerned, I made out like a friggin' bandit. I'm so spoiled it's ridiculous. So thank you Mom, Dad, Diane, Grandpas and Grandmas. Thank you so so much.

On Christmas day I attempted to help in the kitchen. Here's how that turned out:

I know the picture is blurry, but basically what you're looking at is my bleeding hand after I sliced it with a serrated bread knife.

I only got one thing that I wish I could return. And that's a major cold. I am finally sick. I knew it would happen after I was bragging to everyone that I hadn't gotten sick yet. Thankfully, the sickness held out until I was on vacation. And when I say 'thankfully' I mean that in the most sarcastic way possible. Goddamn common cold and your ill-timed arrival. You suck.

Anyway, I hope you all had wonderful holidays/weekends. I hope it was at least half as great as mine. I am off again tomorrow, and I have big plans. They involve watching my "Friends" DVDs and overdosing on Advil Cold & Sinus. Awesome!!

P.S. To the fuckers (yes I said the eff word) who did what you did to Gerbs and Shannon on CHRISTMAS DAY: I can't wait till you get what's coming to you. A-holes.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Merry Christmas!

My Christmas present to you guys is 2 very bad pictures. The first is the front of my condo.

I swear it looks better in person. And please don't say anything about the spiral tree. I know they are absolutely everywhere. When I bought it I just thought it was cute. I didn't think every 3rd house in the entire nation would end up having one, too. Copycats.

And here is a snowman I made when I was retarded. I mean 5. Like there's a difference.

I would just like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. I hope everyone has a very happy and safe holiday. If you're not celebrating anything this weekend then have a very happy and safe weekend. See you next week!

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Yay I love Christmas!

I have been insanely busy the past couple of weeks mostly doing Christmas-related activities. I don't think I can put into words just how much I love Christmas. Seriously. It makes me deliriously happy. Yes, yes I know-it's gotten too commercialized blah blah blah. I swear the complaints about Christmas becoming too commercialized are more annoying than it actually becoming more commercialized.

To me, Christmas is as commercial as you make it. I know it's hard when you walk into a mall, and it's all up in your grill (yes I just said that and no I can't get away with it) with the signs and the fake Santas and the elves and the music, etc. So the eff what? Look deeper. Look at the kids' faces that are getting their picture taken with Santa. Look at how hard the people around you are trying to find just the right gift for the person they care about. Look at the people dropping off gifts they bought for the Angel Tree or Operation Families First or a dozen other charities. The good stuff is there, people, you just have to look for it. Plus come on-pissed off high school kids dressed as elves? That's just plain awesome.

A small sample of things I love about Christmas:
- Getting to see my family
- Christmas cards from friends
- Christmas lights
- Eggnog
- Eggnog shakes from McDonald's (mmm....seriously)
- Christmas carols
- Hot chocolate by a roaring fire (or in my case, a heating vent)
- Cheesy Christmas movies/specials/HGTV and Food Network specials
- Christmas trees
- Christmas decorations
- My mom's cutout cookies (I can prove beyond any shadow of a doubt that these are the best cookies ever made in the history of time)
- People are generally nicer in my experience. I definitely am. Except for when I'm driving.

This doesn't even scratch the surface. I know I didn't put presents on there. Presents are a fantastic bonus of Christmas, but that's not really what it means to me. Whether you're religious or not, this holiday is about giving and loving and taking care of each other. It's okay-you can call me flaky or naive or whatever. I know I'm a little of both of those things. But I don't think it's wrong to be positive and hopeful that people really can, if they try, be nice to each other. What really matters to me is sitting with my friends at a Christmas party or with my family on Christmas Eve enjoying their company, not being able to stop smiling and knowing just how lucky I am to have them in my life. I hope everyone gets to feel the same way this year and not just at Christmas.

That being said, if I don't get an iPod Nano for Christmas, I am going to kill someone I swear to Baby Jesus. Just kidding, you guys. You shouldn’t swear to Baby Jesus.

Now, New Year's? That's another story. We will go into why New Year's sucks a giant nut later.

Oh and I heard there's some sort of debate about saying Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays or something like that. Look-I really don't want to get dragged down into this ridiculous argument, but I will just say this. If I go to a store and someone tells me to have a Happy Hanukkah I'm going to reply gleefully and with complete sincerity, "You too!" even though I am not Jewish because you know what? Being told to have a Happy Hanukkah is much better than being told to fuck off. Let's all gain some perspective here. That's all I'm saying.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Holiday shopping guide: gift ideas

For those of you in need of last minute gift ideas, might I suggest some homemade gift certificates? They even sell booklets of them where you fill in the blanks-much like Mad Libs tm. When my sister was about 10 or so, she handed these things out like crack to school children. Wait...does that analogy work? I think so as long as I am only talking about the first time. After the first time even the school children have to pay for it.

But I digress. You can use the ones my sister gave me for inspiration. Take a look. The green is what she filled in.

"This certificate entitles Pam & Sarah to be entertained with songs, dancing and jokes for however long by Diane." Boy-this is quite a present. Usually when Diane is performing songs for me she's annoying me with them, not entertaining me. However, anyone who has seen Diane dance knows it's quite entertaining if not downright hilarious. And I can honestly say after almost 27 years of knowing Diane, I have never heard her tell a joke. Not once. Neither of us are good joke-tellers. Really my Dad is the only one in the family who can tell a decent joke. When I tell them I set it up wonderfully then forget the punchline and give everyone joke blue balls. Not fun for anyone.

"This certificate entitles Sarah to talk on the telephone with Kori or Andi for 20 minutes each call without any interruptions." I got several of these each with different names and time limits. God forbid she actually let me get through an entire phone call without interrupting me. Nope it's 20 minutes and that's it. I think it's in her contract as a younger sister to bother me when I'm on the phone.

"This certificate entitles Sarah to borrow my clothes for 15 days." This makes perfect sense. When I borrow a shirt I get so excited that I'm allowed to wear it that I wear it for 15 days straight.

"This certificate entitles Sarah to borrow my tapes for 15 times. For each time you borrow you can keep it a day and a half." Honestly, Diane, where did you come up with these time limits. A day and a half? Loosen up, tape nazi.

"This certificate entitles Sarah to one extra-special Tasty Treat made especially by me!" I don't even know what this means, but I'm pretty sure the only thing she knew how to make at this age was ice cream with Magic Shell on top. Which, come to think of it, sounds pretty damn good. I think I'm going to cash this one in.

"This certificate entitles Sarah to whatever she wants besides cleaning her room." Oh yeah. D, you are so going to wish you never gave me this one. All I'm saying is I have a whole condo that needs cleaning right now which technically shouldn't be a problem as long as I don't ask you to clean my bedroom. Awesome.

I hope this helps you guys with your holiday shopping. Nothing says I waited till the last minute and then didn't want to deal with the mall quite like homemade gift certificates.

P.S. Christmas has come early for Sarah. Read this. Karsay is BACK, baby!!!! I love you, Steve Karsay! I will never give up hope of us procreating one day. I don't care what your wife-or the restraining order-says!!!!

Monday, December 19, 2005

5 Weird Habits

I got tagged by John, but I didn't really feel it.

5 Weird Habits:

1. When I eat Skittles, I eat all the orange, yellow and green ones first then I eat the red and purple last - 1 red and 1 purple at a time.

2. I chew on the inside of my cheeks and on my thumbs. This is weird because it hurts and looks disgusting, but I can't stop doing it. Somebody please help me.

3. I bounce my legs up and down really fast when I'm sitting down. I don't even notice that I do it, but then all of a sudden someone will say, "Why is the goddamn table shaking?" and I realize it's because of me. At this point people who know me really well will kick me or put their hand on my leg to stop it. Or to cop a feel. I can't tell which one. When it's Steph it's definitely to cop a feel.

4. I hate scary movies so much that when a new one comes out, I search the Internet to find out everything I can about it-especially all the gross parts-because it makes me less afraid of it. Isn't that the dumbest thing you've ever heard.

5. Cocaine.

Just kidding.

5 for real. Now we're getting into some seriously OCD stuff. When I put on deoderant in the morning (points for putting it on, lady who sits by me and obviously never wears it) I actually count the number of strokes. Then when I do the other armpit I have to do the same number. Holy crap what is wrong with me.

I honestly can't believe I just told the entire Internet that deoderant thing.

I tag SLCUPS, Violet and Abrasive Grace.

Friday, December 16, 2005

We listened to some Ray Parker Jr. tonight

Weird things happen when 15 girls get together for a Christmas party. New, higher pitched sound levels are achieved, and there is a lot of simultaneous oohing and ahhing. Such was the case tonight at our girls Christmas celebration. There was a lot of food, presents, laughing, clapping, wine and Kim dancing like an elf. I'm not even sure what an elf dances like exactly, but whatever Kim was doing in the kitchen at the end of the night was probably the closest a human being has come to mirroring the moves of an elf.

Thanks to all the girls who came and made this such a fun night and thanks to Sharda for letting Diane and I bully her into hosting it at her new house. Sharda, even though you have the scariest Christmas decoration ever in your kitchen, your house is still beautiful. I mean obviously it's haunted by the spirit of Pixie the Demon Chipmunk Elf Thingie now, but it's still pretty.

P.S. Sometimes I'm like, 'I wonder what it would be like to have a 16 pound growth on my face.' Well, it turns out it's really not that fun. Look at this article. Look at that poor girl. Holy. Effing. Shit. Are you kidding me?? I am never complaining about having a zit again. If you're so inclined during this season of giving, you can donate money towards her $95,000 worth of surgeries by going here. If not, it doesn't mean you are a bad person. It just means you hate kids.

P.P.S. 16 pounds

P.P.P.S. I may have accidentally flung dog poop in my neighbor's yard tonight. I don't know what to do about it, though. I tried to get it back, but ended up causing more of a mess. Neighbor, I'm so sorry. It was not intentional I swear. I am NOT a poop flinger. See I was aiming for those people across the street-you know the ones that have a Hummer that has to sit in the driveway all the time because it doesn't fit in the garage? Anyway, I was aiming for them since I know it was their dog, but instead it went completely to my left and is now in that giant snow pile in your yard. You will have a nice surprise when it all thaws. Sorry again.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

I just watched one tonight

Alright I'm just going to come out and say this as there's no really easy way to break it to you. You know those cheesy Christmas movies that are played constantly on Lifetime, the Hallmark channel, ABC Family, etc. around this time of year?

I am obsessed with those.

I can't help it. Goddammit I love those little buggers with their ridiculous story lines, cheesy dialogue, important life lesson and, usually, Patricia Heaton. I watch them all, and each one makes me warm and fuzzy inside. Mission accomplished Lifetime Television for Women. You sneaky little lady.

So now you know. And next time you see Olivia Newton-John breaking into a Christmas carol in a living room by a roaring fire, you will think of me and know that I am watching, and you will wish you were with me so you could punch me in the face.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Wine mm good

I just want to start off by saying that each year I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and kindness bestowed upon me on my birthday. This year was no different. Thank you so much to everyone for making me feel so special.

So...I met someone. Steph introduced us Saturday night. His name is Bricco. Well, Bricco Riella Moscato d'Asti is his full name. Oh don't get too excited. It's not a person. It's a sparkling white wine. Steph took us to the Oenotria Wine Bar in Little Italy (which rules so much everyone who's reading this should drop what they are doing and go there immediately), and then she bought a bottle of my new boyfriend. I fell in love instantly. Holy crap is that stuff good. We will be getting married soon and will be registered at our favorite place: State Liquor Store.

We hung out with the owners and all their friends at the wine bar. I can't remember how we became part of their group. Oh wait yes I can--it's because they were in the middle of a conversation, and drunk Steph was leaning so close to their table straining to hear that I jokingly said, "Hey, Steph, why don't you just pull up a chair?" and the next thing I knew she and Becky were moving our table over to theirs so we could be one big table. Tony and Sherrie, I have no idea why you guys didn't kick us out, but thank you. And thanks for letting us play charades with you. And for giving us free wine. And for being amazing.

A special shout out goes to poor Tito, our server, who took some abuse from the 4 drunk girls including being informed by Steph that he was her lover and letting us butcher his full Puerto Rican first name by calling him Gertrude. By the way, Tito, you should know that Sandra Bernhard hates you.

Oh also I'd like to apologize to all of Matt's co-workers for not realizing Steph had snuck off to crash your company Christmas party until it was too late. When Sharda and I found her she was eating all your food and poking Matt's butt with a shish kabob skewer. Matt then told me she had stolen his Christmas gift. When I went to take it out of her purse without her noticing and ended up pulling out a roll of toilet paper instead, I knew it was time to go home. I found out later the toilet paper had been stolen from the restaurant bathroom. She said she took the toilet paper because the hole in the roll was ridiculously small and "stupid". Then she gave it to me so I could blog about it and "tell the world". Here's the thing: she was right. Look at this shit:

That dime is bigger than the hole. What the eff kind of toilet paper is this? What the eff kind of toilet paper holder does it fit on? I am confused.

Anyway, I had a great time on Saturday thanks to Steph, Becky and Sharda. We need to do that more often. And by that I mean let Steph drink herself into oblivion and then let her loose on the city.

This morning I received a text message on my phone: "I am missing my stolen tp! Did u take it?" Dammit Steph. You + wine bar = good times.

P.S. I would like to say hi to Becky's friend Jeff who I hear is about to become my new best friend. Hello, Jeffy (Becky said I could call you that)! As our first order of business, I think we should go to the wine bar. You don't like Sandra Bernhard, do you?

Thursday, December 08, 2005

My weekend. This is really long-sorry.

Things I remember about Friday night:
wine, receiving a 40 oz. Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade (thanks, Paul and Jen!), dancing to "Since U Been Gone" on a chair, calling Diane's downstairs neighbors "fuckers" at 100 million decibals, saying something about assplay to...I'm not sure who, getting yelled at by Carrie for flirting with her husband and then her telling me 5 minutes later it was okay for me to have sex with him, being told that drunk Sarah scares the bejesus out of Woody, lots of people being nice to me and kissing me on the cheek, Bob asking me to have "rough sex" with him in the backseat of his car, being at a bar, a 23 year old kid telling me I looked only 24, me asking that kid to make out with me, begging Diane to take me to McDonald's and/or IHOP, her not taking me to either place

Things I don't remember about Friday night: 2 out of the 4 hours we were at my sister's apartment, how I got to the bar, many specific events at the bar, how I got home from the bar, moving from the couch to the bed

It was pretty awesome. If anyone out there can fill in the gaps for me, please feel free.

Saturday - the Cyndi Lauper concert
The first opener was Jill Sobule. I am slightly obsessed with her after this concert. Like 95% of the audience, I was not very familiar with her except for that one song that used to be on the radio ("I Kissed a Girl"), and to be honest I didn't really like that song. I expected to just talk my way through her act. Within about 2 minutes, though, she had completely endeared herself to the entire audience. She's a great singer. She's gracious, self-deprecating and absolutely effing HILARIOUS. I was laughing my ass off. She whipped this crowd of people who didn't know her into a frenzy by the end of her set, and I think we were all sorry to see her go. Really a great surprise.

This is where things went south in a big, big way. Sandra Bernhard was the second opening act. I was immediately turned off. There really are no words to describe how much I loathe Sandra Bernhard. We talk about people like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie being famous despite having no talent, but Sandra Bernhard has them all beat. Please someone tell me why this woman is famous. She is completely devoid of talent and looks and value to our planet. Whoops did I say that out loud. Despite my feelings, I decided to give her a chance on Saturday. She's famous so maybe I was missing something. Turns out my initial feelings were right. She is horrible. She got up on stage and did a...well, I guess it was supposed to be a stand up comedy routine, but really it just seemed like she had done a few lines of coke backstage and then got out there and started rambling. She was crude and extremely offensive, but that isn't what bothered me the most. What bothered me most is that she was not funny. I'm fairly sure that on the official job description for a stand up comedian under Required Skills it lists "Funny" or "Make people laugh". I don't think it says "Make people want to plunge a nail file into their eardrums".

She started losing the audience pretty early on mainly because nothing she says even remotely resembles something that could be considered amusing. She reacted to our indifference by insulting us. Now there's a way to win over an audience! Call us all assholes and tell us you're never coming back here. Actually she did get applause with that last statement. At the end she said, "Oh man, I don't have time to tell my last story." A few losers yelled out "Tell it!" (I later found these people gave them the the beatdown of a lifetime), and one awesome guy yelled out at the top of his lungs, "Save it!!" I will seriously make out with that guy. She got pissed, sang "What's Going On?" (poorly) and then left. Mercifully. We all agreed later on that she is a huge C-U-Next-Tuesday which is a word I absolutely hate but one that describes her to perfection*.

Then Cyndi came out. My wonderful, amazing Cyndi. I have no words except to say that Her voice is stronger now than it ever has been. When she was singing "Time After Time" in my head I was saying, "I want this to go on forever." I lost my mind during "Money Changes Everything" and even more so when she laid on the stage and gyrated. As Danielle said, she is truly a rock star and can make anyone happy-even a crowd of 5,000 people who just had to listen to Sandra Bernhard speak. I will love you forever, Cyndi!

*One more thing: Ms. Blowhard, here is a tip for you. Just using the F word 17 times during the course of 1 sentence doesn't make a) you funny or b) the sentence into a joke. Maybe it did in junior high, but you are like 78 now. Grow up, fucktard. Now me using it there? That was funny.

Also this is all I'm saying:

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

They say it's your birthday

Dear 29,

Bring it on biatch.


Monday, December 05, 2005

Progress Report

At work when project statuses are reported to upper management we mark them as being Green, Yellow or Red. Green means we're on track. The project is a go. Yellow means we're moving slower than expected. Red means progress is halted. I have applied this same technique to my post-breakup progress since we are at 1 year later. Let's see how I performed in 2005.

December 2 & 3, 2004: Thought I would stop breathing.
December 2 & 3, 2005: Still breathing.
Status: Green

2004: Cried every single day uncontrollably.
2005: Cry once or twice a month-with some measure of control.
Status: Green

2004: Living in OUR stupid apartment with no A/C or garage.
2005: Living in MY awesome new condo with A/C and a garage and DVR.
Status: Green

2004: Pictures of him/us still in frames in a box that I used to open all the time.
2005: Still framed. Still in the box. But it's only been opened twice since I moved here.
Status: Yellow

2004: Number on speed dial.
2005: Number no longer on speed dial.
Status: Green

2004: Liked the University of Maryland.
2005: Hate the University of Maryland.
Status: Red

2004: Ate a lot of Salt & Vinegar Pringles.
2005: Eat a lot of Salt & Vinegar Pringles.
Status: Yellow

2004: Couldn't even think about dating another person.
2005: Still having a bit of trouble with this but I will totally make out with my DVR.
Status: Yellow

2004: Grey's Anatomy was not on the air.
2005: Grey's Anatomy is on the air.
Status: Green

2004: Didn't really want to go out or drink. Just laid around on my couch watching "Friends" all day long (this is literally all I did for at least 2 months-no lie).
2005: Out every weekend (and drunk every weekend, sadly). I still watch "Friends" a lot, however, not as a way to escape painful reality but rather to laugh at their hilarious hijinx.
Status: Green

All in all, not a bad year's progress if I do say so myself. Saturday was tough for me as December 3rd is the actual day that he left. If anyone noticed I was acting weird that day, now you know why (also I was extremely hungover-more on that later). However, I had a great weekend thanks to all of my amazing friends. And I include Cyndi Lauper in that. I will tell you guys all about the concert tomorrow. Now I must go to bed and dream of Derek and Meredith getting back together*.

*Seriously did you guys see the previews for next week!?!? OMG GET BACK TOGETHER!!

Thursday, December 01, 2005

I think all I can post are lists of stuff

First off, I would just like to thank Carly for setting me straight on the Rachael Ray thing. Turns out she was saying "macerate"which means "to make soft by soaking or steeping in a liquid". Thank God. I was totally freaked out. Honestly I have never heard the word macerate which is sad because I am old enough to know that word. However, I am still going to keep alive the possibility that she said "masturbate" because goddammit that's funny, and I really don't want to ruin my friend A Loyd's day.

Secondly, Bennifer 2 had their baby last night. A baby girl named Violet-obviously named after the blogger Violet. There is nothing bad I can say about that name because it's adorable, and I'm so happy I didn't have to make fun of my Benjamin. Oh and just so you guys know, the next time he has a baby it will be with me.

Thirdly, I am decidedly anti-inflatable Christmas decorations. I'm talking about the big giant ones that sit on your front lawn. Danielle and I were discussing these today, and we concluded that a) they are too big, b) they're inflatable which, to me, screams "used car dealership" and c) they are too close to being mascots. Since they are filled with air, they tend to move around a lot in a menacing, mascot-like fashion. Not okay.

And lastly, is anyone else completely irked by the Lexus commercials that air during the holiday season? You know the ones where a husband gives his wife a brand new Lexus for Christmas complete with giant red bow on top and then the wife reacts in a manner that suggests it's completely normal to receive a $50,000 car for a present? "Wow-a Lexus. It totally matches the 87 foot yacht you got me last year." Number one, if someone gave me a Lexus I wouldn't weakly smile as if I was just handed a mock turtleneck. No-if someone actually bought me Lexus, I would immediately give them oral-male or female I don't care. Unless it was a family member. Then I would probably hi-five them and do the old chest bump. Number two, roughly 1% of the population actually has the means to purchase a new Lexus for someone. Therefore it would be more like, "Merry Christmas. I got you some debt. I hope you have $400 a month you can spare for the next 6 years." All I'm saying is come on, Lexus. No one watches your commercials and actually gets gift ideas for loved ones.

Amazing Stories*

Amazing things that happened tonight:

1. Everyone who left me comments is awesome. Thanks for being so nice all the time. I really don't deserve it, but I accept it graciously and will completely let it go to my head and brag about this to everyone I know.

2. Suzanne and AJ bought me dinner. Suz and AJ, you guys rock! I love you! And I think it goes without saying that I love free dinner.

3. Golightly and I figured out we have the same birthday. Golightly, I believe you are younger than me therefore I am required by law to hate you. However, I have noticed you have an aptitude for making cupcakes, and I am chubby and love cupcakes therefore I have decided that I don't hate you after all. Phew!

4. Okay I don't want to give anything away for those who haven't seen it, but in regards to tonight's episode of "Lost" I would just like to say: HOLY F*CKING SHIT!!!! Despite the fact that it was just a stellar episode, something happened tonight that made me so happy, I rewound it 1700 times to make sure I saw it correctly. I imagine I will watch it 1700 times again tomorrow. Thank you, ABC. Thank you, "Lost" creators. You have completely made up for that Ana-Lucia bullshit. Oh and the ending? Yeah my heart exploded. Just FYI.
P.S. Charlie Salinger: God. Dammit. I will pay you to have babies with me. I am not even kidding. My whole life savings-it's all yours. You fucking beautiful, beautiful specimen of a man. Yes I spelled out the F word. That's how serious I am.

5. Diane and I were watching Rachael Ray, and she was talking about making this fruit sauce to put over pound cake or angel food cake-any type of cake really. It's not important, Internet. Quit getting hung up on the details. Anyway she said, "In the summer you buy fresh fruit and then cover it with a little sugar and let it marinate for a while." Only she didn't say "marinate". She said "masturbate". I SWEAR TO GOD ON ALL THAT IS HOLY. This is a true story. Diane is the one who caught it. We rewound it many, many times to make sure we weren't hearing something that wasn't there. I think I was actually praying we were wrong. But alas we weren't. Rachael Ray said the word "masturbate" on television in reference to fruit. It was the greatest most disturbing thing ever in the entire world. Hey-for some girls it's a nice body or sweet smelling cologne. For Rachael, it's fresh blackberries. Whatever floats your boat (you kinky slut).

*Do you guys remember that show "Amazing Stories"? I used to love that show.