Thursday, December 08, 2005

My weekend. This is really long-sorry.

Friday
Things I remember about Friday night:
wine, receiving a 40 oz. Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade (thanks, Paul and Jen!), dancing to "Since U Been Gone" on a chair, calling Diane's downstairs neighbors "fuckers" at 100 million decibals, saying something about assplay to...I'm not sure who, getting yelled at by Carrie for flirting with her husband and then her telling me 5 minutes later it was okay for me to have sex with him, being told that drunk Sarah scares the bejesus out of Woody, lots of people being nice to me and kissing me on the cheek, Bob asking me to have "rough sex" with him in the backseat of his car, being at a bar, a 23 year old kid telling me I looked only 24, me asking that kid to make out with me, begging Diane to take me to McDonald's and/or IHOP, her not taking me to either place

Things I don't remember about Friday night: 2 out of the 4 hours we were at my sister's apartment, how I got to the bar, many specific events at the bar, how I got home from the bar, moving from the couch to the bed

It was pretty awesome. If anyone out there can fill in the gaps for me, please feel free.

Saturday - the Cyndi Lauper concert
The first opener was Jill Sobule. I am slightly obsessed with her after this concert. Like 95% of the audience, I was not very familiar with her except for that one song that used to be on the radio ("I Kissed a Girl"), and to be honest I didn't really like that song. I expected to just talk my way through her act. Within about 2 minutes, though, she had completely endeared herself to the entire audience. She's a great singer. She's gracious, self-deprecating and absolutely effing HILARIOUS. I was laughing my ass off. She whipped this crowd of people who didn't know her into a frenzy by the end of her set, and I think we were all sorry to see her go. Really a great surprise.

This is where things went south in a big, big way. Sandra Bernhard was the second opening act. I was immediately turned off. There really are no words to describe how much I loathe Sandra Bernhard. We talk about people like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie being famous despite having no talent, but Sandra Bernhard has them all beat. Please someone tell me why this woman is famous. She is completely devoid of talent and looks and value to our planet. Whoops did I say that out loud. Despite my feelings, I decided to give her a chance on Saturday. She's famous so maybe I was missing something. Turns out my initial feelings were right. She is horrible. She got up on stage and did a...well, I guess it was supposed to be a stand up comedy routine, but really it just seemed like she had done a few lines of coke backstage and then got out there and started rambling. She was crude and extremely offensive, but that isn't what bothered me the most. What bothered me most is that she was not funny. I'm fairly sure that on the official job description for a stand up comedian under Required Skills it lists "Funny" or "Make people laugh". I don't think it says "Make people want to plunge a nail file into their eardrums".

She started losing the audience pretty early on mainly because nothing she says even remotely resembles something that could be considered amusing. She reacted to our indifference by insulting us. Now there's a way to win over an audience! Call us all assholes and tell us you're never coming back here. Actually she did get applause with that last statement. At the end she said, "Oh man, I don't have time to tell my last story." A few losers yelled out "Tell it!" (I later found these people gave them the the beatdown of a lifetime), and one awesome guy yelled out at the top of his lungs, "Save it!!" I will seriously make out with that guy. She got pissed, sang "What's Going On?" (poorly) and then left. Mercifully. We all agreed later on that she is a huge C-U-Next-Tuesday which is a word I absolutely hate but one that describes her to perfection*.

Then Cyndi came out. My wonderful, amazing Cyndi. I have no words except to say that she....is....AWESOME. Her voice is stronger now than it ever has been. When she was singing "Time After Time" in my head I was saying, "I want this to go on forever." I lost my mind during "Money Changes Everything" and even more so when she laid on the stage and gyrated. As Danielle said, she is truly a rock star and can make anyone happy-even a crowd of 5,000 people who just had to listen to Sandra Bernhard speak. I will love you forever, Cyndi!

*One more thing: Ms. Blowhard, here is a tip for you. Just using the F word 17 times during the course of 1 sentence doesn't make a) you funny or b) the sentence into a joke. Maybe it did in junior high, but you are like 78 now. Grow up, fucktard. Now me using it there? That was funny.

Also this is all I'm saying:

13 comments:

Friend of the Family said...

Your Ms. Blowhard review is having the opposite effect on me. It sounds so bad I have to see it. Why were jokes crude or offensive? What were they about? Show don't tell.

Oh, that girl. said...

HAPPY MOTHER EFFING BIRTHDAY, BIATCH!

"AG" said...

OMG THAT COMPARISON IS RIGHT ON. I hate SB, too. More than Paris. I think she once slept with Madonna or something so she has an "in". Not sure.

Anonymous said...

Dear Friend of the Family,
You do not want to bear witness to Ms. Blowhard. My favorite "joke" was when she said something about how men with hearing aides don't get laid. I literally saw the guy sitting in front of me turn his off and frown, when she was done, his companions motioned to him it was safe to turn them back up. I wish I could have done that, I found the ability to tune her out to be terribly sexy. The hearing aide joke is the offensive joke I can remember. I blocked out the rest. Mostly they were just laced with swearing at OH for effing the election and hating Puerto Ricans for not knowing different sweet potatoes. I hate her. -Steph

Sarah said...

My favorite is when she said we should let more people become suicidal so that art would be better. Hilarious! The other problem is that half of what she said literally did not make sense. It was incoherent rambling about nothing and the every once in a while calling us assholes and saying she hates Puerto Ricans. Then if we didn't laugh at any of her lame ass shit she would go, "Come on that's fucking brilliant! Motherfuckers!" What?? Seriously what???

russ said...

It was pretty awesome. If anyone out there can fill in the gaps for me, please feel free.

Is that an invitation to rough seks?

uymmc

danielle said...

a-men hor. i think she looks a lot like a duck-billed platypus that i punched in the nose.

Marissa said...

When one of my college roommates was a kid, she was obsessed with Cyndi. So much so that she believed the lyrics to "Time After Time." Specifically that part where she says "If you fall I will catch you. I'll be waiting..."

So, in an effort to meet Cyndi, she decided to stand on the arm of her couch and fall backward thinking Cyndi was going to catch her.

Now that is blind trust..

Reverend Michael Joseph Schmidt said...

Hi Sarah,
I am so glad your birthday turned out so well. When you get a chance please click over to my blog and read a post that you again inspired me to write. Have a great day Sarah.

Rev,

Rebecca said...

Glad you had a good birthday! I heart Cyndi!

ic72epk said...

Wow what an insult .... to Sam the Eagle that is.

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

That's an effed up lineup for a music show. Comedians rarely work out.

And Happy Birthday!

Anonymous said...

Sarah and her blogging groupies...I could not believe the things that were posted about my dear friend Sandy B. I found her to be smart, well-rounded, intelligently humorous, kind-spirited and left us feeling full on the inside after her amazing preformance. The fact that she is the most narrow minded, offensive person that I have ever had the misfortune of sitting in the same room with never crossed my mind...or the people she offended.-Jace...and Sarah lied about the fact I was at the concert.