Holiday shopping guide: gift ideas

For those of you in need of last minute gift ideas, might I suggest some homemade gift certificates? They even sell booklets of them where you fill in the blanks-much like Mad Libs tm. When my sister was about 10 or so, she handed these things out like crack to school children. Wait...does that analogy work? I think so as long as I am only talking about the first time. After the first time even the school children have to pay for it.

But I digress. You can use the ones my sister gave me for inspiration. Take a look. The green is what she filled in.

"This certificate entitles Pam & Sarah to be entertained with songs, dancing and jokes for however long by Diane." Boy-this is quite a present. Usually when Diane is performing songs for me she's annoying me with them, not entertaining me. However, anyone who has seen Diane dance knows it's quite entertaining if not downright hilarious. And I can honestly say after almost 27 years of knowing Diane, I have never heard her tell a joke. Not once. Neither of us are good joke-tellers. Really my Dad is the only one in the family who can tell a decent joke. When I tell them I set it up wonderfully then forget the punchline and give everyone joke blue balls. Not fun for anyone.

"This certificate entitles Sarah to talk on the telephone with Kori or Andi for 20 minutes each call without any interruptions." I got several of these each with different names and time limits. God forbid she actually let me get through an entire phone call without interrupting me. Nope it's 20 minutes and that's it. I think it's in her contract as a younger sister to bother me when I'm on the phone.

"This certificate entitles Sarah to borrow my clothes for 15 days." This makes perfect sense. When I borrow a shirt I get so excited that I'm allowed to wear it that I wear it for 15 days straight.

"This certificate entitles Sarah to borrow my tapes for 15 times. For each time you borrow you can keep it a day and a half." Honestly, Diane, where did you come up with these time limits. A day and a half? Loosen up, tape nazi.

"This certificate entitles Sarah to one extra-special Tasty Treat made especially by me!" I don't even know what this means, but I'm pretty sure the only thing she knew how to make at this age was ice cream with Magic Shell on top. Which, come to think of it, sounds pretty damn good. I think I'm going to cash this one in.

"This certificate entitles Sarah to whatever she wants besides cleaning her room." Oh yeah. D, you are so going to wish you never gave me this one. All I'm saying is I have a whole condo that needs cleaning right now which technically shouldn't be a problem as long as I don't ask you to clean my bedroom. Awesome.

I hope this helps you guys with your holiday shopping. Nothing says I waited till the last minute and then didn't want to deal with the mall quite like homemade gift certificates.

P.S. Christmas has come early for Sarah. Read this. Karsay is BACK, baby!!!! I love you, Steve Karsay! I will never give up hope of us procreating one day. I don't care what your wife-or the restraining order-says!!!!