Friday, December 23, 2011

Season's Eatings (is a hilarious thing to say)

I can't believe all the people who still read this.  I feel so lucky!  I will make you all a your own beer mug hand painted by me.  Oh no?  You don't want that?  Shocking.

I just wanted to get on here and wish everyone very happy holidays no matter what holiday you're celebrating.  As you know this is my favorite time of year even though I currently have some sort of stomach virus, and I can feel it rolling the dice trying to decide which end it's going to purge from.  Let's just say there are no winners in that game.

My goal for this holiday season is to practice patience and compassion as those seem to be getting lost these days.  Especially when some ahole in the parking lot decides that even though I started backing out first, he will back out as well and try to go faster to beat me and then I will have to slam on my brakes and my purse will fall off the seat onto the floor and of course it's open so everything spills out which may or may not have happened to me this morning and I may or may not have had to talk myself down from a homicidal rage because Christmas.  Patience.  Compassion.  Let's all try it together.

I hope everyone has the best Christmas ever and/or the best weekend ever.  Remember it's about family and friends and love and graciousness and humility and getting me an iPad.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Let's catch up

Whew.  I think I've finally recovered from Sausage Fest.  I only needed like 5 months. 
So...I guess I have some 'splainin to do.  All I can say is that I reached a point where I needed time away from my computer every night.  That sounds incredibly lame, but it's the truth.  I was running out of steam and needed a breather.  Sorry to leave you all (all 3 of you) hanging.  I realize no one is probably even going to check this, but I'm gonna go for it anyway. 

How do I come back after 5 months?  I honestly have no idea where to start.  How about a quick recap of what I've been up to?

- Went to the Solstice party at the Cleveland Art Museum where we spent 90% of the night in the free photo booth taking ridiculous pictures of ourselves wearing weird props.

- NKOTBSB concert in Detroit.  My review of the concert:  Dreams were realized.  Lives were changed.

- NKOTBSB concert in Cleveland.  My review of the concert:  Holy fucking shit I love NKOTBSB.  Also Mr. Schuester from "Glee" opened, and he introduced one of his songs by saying that he wrote it one night on tour while he was thinking about where Matthew Morrison ends and Will Schuester begins and his ensuing identity crisis.  Literally the greatest, most ridiculous intro to a song ever.

- Cleveland Wine Festival where we made new friends at the dive bar afterward, and I broke my rule about never doing shots while not at a wedding reception.  So worth it, though.  Chocolate Covered Pretzel shot.  DO IT RIGHT NOW.

- Krusty's.  Oh man I love Krusty's.

- Debbie Gibson/Tiffany concert.  BE. LIEVE. IT. I have no words for how awesome this was.  I'll just say this:

- Our beloved Chicken Noodle and Katie left us for greener pastures but not before we got to go out and get drunk with his hot Coast Guard buddies.

- Def Leppard/Heart concert.  No I didn't go to any concerts for current bands, if you're wondering.

- Cheered on my friends at a triathlon benefitting United Cerebral Palsy of Greater Cleveland and did not cry like a little girl as my friend, who is the mother of a 3 year old with CP, crossed the finish line like you guys did.  Wusses.

- Went to California to be in my friend Squirt's wedding and do some sightseeing and GO SEE CONAN O'BRIEN TAPE LIVE!!!  Check it:

- Went to the Browns home opener where they did a touching 9/11 tribute then immediately followed it with Motley Crue's "Kickstart My Heart."

- Got LASIK.  Say whaaaat?  It's true, you guys.  I finally did it.  I got my eyeballs shaved.  It was totally insane but totally worth it.  I'm Claritin clear now and can be one of those people who brag about having 20/20 vision even though it's a really weird thing to brag about.  Also I got some hot Maxine sunglasses out of it.  This is what I was promised, according to their web site:

Here's the reality:

This is my normal way of saying I'm still single.  Also I still use MS Paint.  Badly.

- Drew's little sister got married.  What you need to know about that wedding:

Yeah that's pressed ham.  And also:

That would be Matt's and my gourd fort, created in a brilliant attempt to protect our drinks from thieves.  You know because it was an open bar so people would definitely need to steal our drinks.  P.S. We also ended up accidentally telling our cab driver that we were going to take him to the forest and kill him.  I'm so sorry, cab driver!

- Paint your own barware class.  Basically we got a Groupon for going to this class where they give you a beer mug or wine glass and you paint on it with glass paint.  Steph, Diane, Drew and I went and, to be frank, we are not what you would call "talented at art."  Every other person there?  Talented at art.  We realized this once we were done and started walking around the room to see what everyone else was painting, and we noticed there were actual artists in the room.
Here's what a couple of our classmates did:

Here's what I did:

No seriously I made that.  Your 10 year old niece didn't.  By the way, my theme was "My Favorite Things" and yes that is a vodka bottle.  Also in keeping in line with the theme, I put a picture of a TV on my glass, and I tried to write "Friends" on it since I love that show.  Well I didn't leave enough room so the instructor told me to stagger the letters.  Here's how it turned out:

Yeah.  That says Red Fins.  Those are Z's at the bottom, symbolizing my love of sleep.  ARTIST.

- Halloween:

This won me first prize in the costume contest, baby!  And is my 2011 Christmas card. My parents must be really proud.  This is how I imagine conversations with their friends go:

Friend:  So our 30 year old son James and his wife bought a new 3,000 square foot house.  They just needed more room with baby number 3 on the way.  Luckily, James got that promotion to VP a couple months ago so the added expense won't be a big deal.
My mom: Our 35 year old daughter dressed up as a Christmas tree.  With working lights.


- Vegas, baby!  Yeah we went to Vegas...and got the stomach flu.  What happens in Vegas, stays in the Vegas sewer system because I puked into several of its toilets.
- Thanksgiving

- 35 (ugh...eff you, 35.  Do you guys remember when you were 11 and 35 was insanely old?  That is what my actual age is right now.)

- Girls' Christmas which ended with me taking my wine-soaked Christmas socks home in a Ziploc.

This is all in addition to clam bakes, birthdays, dinner parties, wine parties, charity events, baby showers, book clubs, football game parties, etc.  But most of my time is eaten up by this:

I can't put into words what a joy Trevor is.  Being an aunt is a dream, and life is just better with him around.

So...what are you guys up to?

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Show us your sausage!

Hey!  What is this picture?  This is a family blog!  What do you do when you have a friend named Steph who bought a Groupon for fresh sausage and then ended up with so much sausage that she couldn't even keep it all in her own freezer?  If you're us, you throw a party called Sausage Fest 2011.  And if you're me, the first picture you take at Sausage Fest is this:

And if you're Matt, right now you're like, "Is that my area posted on the Internet?" which, yes-it is.  Alas it was not that kind of Sausage Fest, you guys.  Even though I really wanted it to be.  It was a cookout filled with sausage (zing!). And me making inappropriate sausage jokes.  We made friends with a 24 year old who lied to us and told us we were fun and young.  And Chicken Noodle taught Paul and Jen's 2 year old son how to throw a plastic lawn chair into a pool.  Also...we ate bear sausage. 

 insanely bright red.  Like I mean that appears to have come directly out of the bear and then placed on the grill.  I spent most of the time staring at it in horror.  That is, when I wasn't taking pictures like this and giggling:

I am 13. 

P.S.  That is my brother in law, Drew, holding that sausage while wearing a wifebeater tank and an apron.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

I like Australians

We are fucked up.  Like as a whole, humanity is fucked up.  I think we can all agree, right?  I'm not saying it's irreversible or anything, but I think we can all admit we're heading down a frightening path.  All you have to do is turn on MTV for 10 minutes if you disagree.  That being said, we must be doing something right if God (or if you don't believe in God, the universe) gave us the Hemsworth brothers.

This is good.  This is all very, very good.  Consider me 100% on the Hemsworth bandwagon.  And I looked it up, and the young one Liam (top) is legal so it's not totally creepy that I wrote this.  It's still a little creepy, though. 

Finally, a post for the gentlemen!

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Post from the Past: The Royal Wedding

So I'm not sure if you guys knew this or not, but Prince William and Kate Middleton got married. It's true! Not only did they get married, they got married butt-ass-early US time. Stupid International Date Line spinning planet revolving around the sun! What? I'm educated. Anyway, a royal wedding is like Steph and Meg's Christmas. As such, we had to celebrate. We did that in the following 2 ways:

1. Two weeks before the wedding, we held a hen party in Kate's honor. I believe that is the term for a bridal shower in England. We decided to do this at Steph and Meg's favorite British pub, The Old Angle. Sidenote/confession: I've been going to The Old Angle for years and totally thought it was an Irish pub. They have an Irish bartender there! Whatever I don't even care. I love pubs of all kinds. They have dark wood and fun employees and fish 'n' chips and vodka and that is all good with Sarah. Anyway, since Kate wasn't there and we couldn't give her presents, we all donated money to a Women and Children's shelter. Also we had to speak in British accents. Unfortunately for everyone around me, I could only do one by repeating lines from movies and plays I'd seen with British people in them. And on that day that meant Gavroche from "Les Miserables" and Oliver Twist from "Oliver!" so I kept telling everyone what little people can do and asking for some more gruel. Christy hung up some paper wedding bells at the bar and some of the girls wore lovely hats or "fascinators" as I have learned is the correct term for the feathery doo-dads. Here's a picture of one of us wearing a fascinator:

2. The day of the wedding was a Friday and television coverage started at 4am. So obviously we went to Steph's house. Actually we didn't start till 6am so it wasn't as bad even though it was still horrible. Steph had a party at her house at 6am on a Friday morning. Normal? Of course not, but boy did a lot of us show up. I guess we are seriously okay with having a party at any time of the day. Steph laid out a bunch of traditional British fare-tea, scones, crumpets. And pizza. Diane and I were like, "What's with the pizza?" And Steph goes, "We're still in America!" My favorite part about that exchange is that instead of recognizing that Diane and I were asking about the pizza because it was 6am-not a usual time to eat pizza ("Speak for yourself." - my brother-in-law), Steph immediately took the patriotic pride stance. Everyone knows pizza was invented in America. As I said, a bunch of us showed up, including our friends Chicken Noodle (Bill) and Katie who upon calling Steph to be let in to the building announced, "William and Kate are in the lobby."

Since it was so late in the morning, and I am a morning person, I was a pleasure to be around. <--OPPOSITE SENTENCE. I was actually very crabby until I had my juice. And by juice I definitely do not mean champagne of which there was none at this party since it was a Friday morning-what do you think we are, irresponsible adults? At one point I asked if Mr. Bean was at the wedding and then giggled like an 11 year old because that's how I roll. Meg immediately was like, "He's there. They already showed him." Then we laughed about how the President of the United States was not invited, but Mr. Bean was. That's my kind of wedding. After a couple hours of not drinking champagne and me not stuffing my face with shortbread cookies, it was time to go to work. Isn't that how every party ends, though?

A few quick thoughts on the wedding itself: Kate looked gorgeous, William looked like he was trying to have fun but kind of wanted to puke, Harry looked ready to get this m-effing party started, the kiss on the balcony was L-A-M-E so I hope they did it up real nice on their honeymoon, Harry is hot and I thought inviting intergalactic guests from neighboring alien nations was a nice touch:

Wednesday, June 01, 2011

No love in the elevator

I have been trying to post for 2 hours. I've lost 3 posts. Why are they trying to keep us apart, Internet? Let's try something simple. A guy on the elevator just asked me how my day was going, and told him I was really busy cuz I just got back from a few days off, and I feel like the first day back should be easy. As soon as I didn't just say "Fine", he looked super annoyed that he asked. Then I was super annoyed because what kind of question is "How is your day going so far?" That's not something you ask a stranger if you just want them to say "Fine." That question is too fancy and demands an answer. Just ask me, "How are you?" So we can pretend we're having a conversation we we're really just passing time.

I hate elevators.
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That's what he said

Drew, my brother-in-law, after I told him the story my air conditioner guy told me of the time he found a nest of baby mice in an air conditioner unit:

"That's rata-ew-ey."
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Tuesday, May 31, 2011

So...what's up?

Whoa-jury duty was rough.  Especially when Alec Baldwin tried to kill me and my son, and we had to go into hiding for a month with no computers or wi-fi or cell phones or Internet cafes.  Oh who am I kidding.  I can't lie to you guys.  You'd never believe I knew what an Internet cafe was.  So I owe you an explanation for my absence, but nobody wants to hear the boring truth which is that I've been in almost constant pain from my migraines for the past month.  So please come up with a much more exciting reason and pretend it's that.  It's way less of a bummer.

I'm back now, and I owe you big time so I promise you 2 things:

1.  Tomorrow I am going to attempt to post something every hour on the hour.  Yeah.  I said it.  And when I say every hour on the hour I mean from like 9am to the end of the workday.  Or bedtime.  Or whenever I run out of things to say.

2.  I'll be Jay Leno-ing this bitch and discussing outdated world events.  Hope you're still excited about Osama!

In the meantime, just to give you an overall idea of what I've been up to:

BAM!  NSFW!  Steph and I drew these at a wine bar while Matt looked on horrified and by "looked on horrified" I mean "told us we were doing it wrong".  Sorry, Mom and Dad.

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The Rural Juror*

Tomorrow I begin jury duty.  I have never been called for jury duty before so I'm not exactly sure what to expect.  To prepare, I watched "The Juror" starring Demi Moore and Alec Baldwin.  Here is the plot summary:

"When Annie Laird is selected as a juror in a big Mafia trial, she is forced by someone known as "The Teacher" to persuade the other jurors to vote "not guilty". He threatens to kill her son if she doesn't commit. When the trial is over, he can't let her go..."

I'm fairly sure this is how it will be for me.  So now I will watch "The Sopranos" to figure out how to deal with the mob.  Just kidding, I'm going to watch "Corky Romano".  No not really-I will not put myself through that.  Again. 

Actually let me just put this out there for any Mafia enforcers thinking of using me as the person to convince a jury of something:  I will make an absolute nightmare juror.  I can't even make a decision about where to go to lunch without it turning into the most trying ordeal anyone around me has ever experienced.  If someone says, "Where do you want to go eat?", I just shut down.  I will not decide.  John, unfortunately, has taken the brunt of this indecisiveness so when I told him I pulled jury duty, he had some comments:

"Being on a jury with you would mean me facing a jury shortly after."

"If you make it on a jury it will end up being a hung jury...because everyone else will hang themselves while you decide."
Things I am wondering:
1.  Will there be a lawyer there that looks like Matthew McConaughey?
2.  What if the judge tells me to dismiss something I just heard?  How can I do that?  I can't unhear something.  Like I can't unhear the Daughtry remake of "Photograph".  It's in there.
3.  Will I get a chance to say, "YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!"?

4.  Can I use this technique to get out of jury duty?

*Tell me you watch "30 Rock".

Friday, April 15, 2011

Words of the day

supermassive black hole - noun - the largest type of black hole, formed when two or more galaxies collide.

Example 1: At the center of the milky way sits a supermassive black hole.
Example 2: The song "Supermassive Black Hole" by Muse kicks serious ass.

superboyband - noun - the largest type of boy band, formed when two or more amazing boy bands, picked directly out of Sarah's dreams, collide.

Example 1: The New Kids on the Block and the Backstreet Boys have come together to form a superboyband called NKOTBSB.
Example 2: I am so excited to see the superboyband, NKOTBSB, on tour and to hear their new album (!) that I think I need a change of underwear.
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Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Sometimes the blog writes itself

Today we have what is essentially a guest blogger because I am just copying and pasting an email Steph sent us on Thursday.  The set up:  Steph and Meg babysat my nephew Trevor Wednesday night.  Thursday morning we all received this email:

So last night, the Babysitter’s Club volunteered to watch Trevor. When Drew and Diane came home before 11, admittedly, the babysitters were both asleep on the couches. Hey, Steph and Meg aren’t as young and fun and full of energy as we were when we were young…which it seems Trev had a problem with. I was looking at my cell phone today and it appears when we fell asleep, Trev had quite a wild night. I swung by daycare on my way to the office to ask him about it this morning and this is what he told me.

He said he had to escape the constant supervision of his ever so serious and responsible and appropriate and amazing babysitters and snuck out of the house to have a night on the town. He decided to start the night with a Peep show, but somehow found himself pulled up on the stage.



“Hey, what do you expect to happen when you are a chick magnet?”



The chicks were sweet and he admittedly drooled over them…


Then Trevor met some Playboy bunnies and they gifted him an official set of bunny ears.



He got a little drunk off the attention from the lovely ladies…



But, like all girls, these ladies want a commitment and Trev had to tell them no way and find his escape route…



He retreated to a guys night to hang out with his “dawg” (as Randy Jackson would say).


Hey, don’t hate the player, hate the game…

For those other parents reading this…Meg and I are open for business. Our rates are incredibly reasonable…we don’t charge anything, but we will eat your junk food, call boys, and pass out on your couch…but your baby will have a great time!

Tuesday, April 05, 2011

Things/People that have fallen the past week

1.  Butler University

2.  Kirstie Alley and Maksim Longname

3.  Southwest Flight 812 (20,000 feet in the sky)

4.  Not gas prices

5.  Me

Yes it's true-fucking UConn won the tournament.  Oh and I fell this weekend.  I know everyone is surprised as I am usually the very picture of grace and poise.  Let me describe the events as they happened:

Saturday evening, 6:30pm:  I clamp my 450 degree flat iron down on my left forearm

Saturday night, 12:30am: An almost full bottle of wine tips over in my fridge, the top pops out, wine spills all over the bottom of my fridge and into a huge puddle on my kitchen floor.  It's my favorite wine. 

Sunday evening, 5:30:00pm:  I walk into my house, my arms filled to the max with stuff including an 18 roll pack of toilet paper (it should last me a couple days).  My ankle gives out and in slow motion I begin my long descent onto my ass but not before realizing that I'm also falling onto my wooden laundry drying rack which is full of clean clothes.

Sunday evening, 5:30:15pm:  I'm on the floor looking around for witnesses which makes sense since I was in my house and I live alone.  My knee is throbbing, my arm is screaming.  I realize with horror that I have squeezed the Charmin.  The laundry no more.  We did battle.  It lost.  Goodbye, sweet laundry rack that I've had since I was a freshman in college.

Sunday evening, 5:35pm:  I realize the reason my arm literally feels like someone is sandpapering an open nerve is that I landed on my horrible, most likely 2nd degree burn (I'm not exaggerating) from the day before and all the burnt skin has been ripped off my arm.

Monday morning, 8am:  I wake up unable to move because my back is spasming so bad.  I work from home.  I ice my knee.  I take muscle relaxers.  They are awesome.

Monday afternoon, 3:30pm:  I watch "Raiders of the Lost Ark".  I silently thank whoever made the "creative" decision to have Harrison Ford's shirt unbuttoned for 80% of the movie.

Present day:  You are wondering why I included the bit about the wine spilling since it had nothing to do with me falling or my injuries.  It's just that I am still mad about it.

Seriously, though, how fucking expensive is gas right now.  I'll punch someone.  Once I can move.  And my epidermis is intact.

Thursday, March 31, 2011

Letters for March 30th, 2011

Dear weather,
This is total bullshit.  It's March 30th.  I was already mad when I heard about the "light dusting" of snow we were supposed to get today.  Then I left work in a white-out and drove home in a blizzard.  At least it only took me over an hour to get home.  CAN YOU FEEL THE SARCASM??  I am a pretty patient person when it comes to Cleveland weather, but let's get a move on with the warm temperatures, please!  I don't even need 60 degrees.  But can we at least get out of the 30's?  For the love of God.  I'm starting to lose it.  I for real was yelling at the sky-out loud-walking into work on Monday.  Please get warmer before someone locks me up.

Dear insomnia,
Please see my first comment to "weather".

Dear Dan Gilbert,
It's really awesome that the Cavs beat the Heat last night, but you jinxed us with your hastily put together "we're going to win everything" open letter to the Internet last year.  Please get your shit together.

Dear friends,
Sorry that at 34 I still steer dinner conversations toward poop talk.  I'm sure you all expected at this age to go out to dinner and have some adult conversation, but you forgot one thing:  You are friends with me.  At least we used the classy and made up euphemism, "delivering a food baby" which, by the way, is how I'll be referring to it from now on.  P.S. I am not really sorry about this.  In fact, it was one of the highlights of the night, and I almost peed my pants laughing at that conversation.

Dear March Madness brackets,
I don't even know where to begin.  You...well the only word I can think of to describe what happened is, imploded.  You imploded.  I barely have words for the massacre that took place within your walls.  Of course I'm trying.  I'm working on my poem, but so many teams were involved in my ass beating this year that I'm not even sure where to start. 

Dear ass,
Sorry about your severe and brutal beating at the hands of pretty much every single NCAA men's basketball team this year.  P.S. Why are you so big?  Can part of you take a permanent vacation to someone else's body?  How about Chris Brown?  He is just one big giant ass so you will probably feel at home there.  Have fun.  Don't write. [Insert weird mental image of my ass writing me a postcard with a picture of Chris Brown on the front here.]

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Insert Charlie Sheen joke here

Hey does anyone know if anything horrible is happening in the world?  I haven't had my fill of depressing news the past couple of weeks.  Seriously between Japan (please, please, please donate anything you can possibly spare to help them) and Charlie Sheen which at first was hilarious then turned uncomfortable then really sad when we all realized his kids were still living with him, I could really use a drink or 10.  Thank God St. Patrick's Day is only 2 days away.  I really need to be able to bury my head in the sand and drink away all the pain happening in the world and wear glitter shamrocks and drink midori sours and be considered festive rather than a weirdo like usual.  Note: midori sours are awesome.

Other things I can use to distract me:

Wine party at Meg's house - Saturday we're going to Meg's to drink wine because she basically buys wine by the gross and then realizes she needs to have people over to drink it.  I am totally fine with this habit of hers.  This is exactly how we were all invited via text message:  "Wine, meatloaf, chix noodle on news party.  Meg's place.  March 19 @ 7pm."  Some explanation: Our friend Chicken Noodle (yes) was on the news (yes). 

Tax return - Seriously I better get a tax return this year.  I need it to fund my campaign to stop the remake of "Short Circuit" from happening. Because what. the. fuck. That's not even the right story.  A little kid from a broken family?  Um hello-ET already did it.  And better.  Plus-no offensive Indian stereotype?  No Ally Sheedy?  No GUTTENBERG!?  Go to hell, Hollywood!  And so help me God if some young girl with a symbol in her name or a young guy with girl hair takes a break from filming their Disney or Nickelodeon show to remake El Debarge's "Who's Johnny", I...I don't even...someone will die.  I mean that's the only logical conclusion.  Someone will have to die.

March Madness - This is it, you guys. This is my year. I am going to win the whole damn thing. Then I will write a poem about how awesome I am as opposed to how angry I am. I will probably still talk about hookers and taking it up the butt, though. I want my parents to be proud of me.

And lastly...

Greatest email ever?

Greatest email ever.

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

I'm getting you this for your birthday

You guys, this would look so good with your all denim outfit. 

Monday, February 28, 2011

Liveblogging the Oscars

So I actually decided to watch the Oscars tonight.  Lately I've been trying to avoid them, but I like a few of the films I've seen, and there are a lot of other ones I want to see.  Also I haven't had enough of James Franco lately.  Let's get started:

This intro is hilarious. Alec Baldwin rules everything. You guys watch "30 Rock", right? You do. Also Morgan Freeman just introduced James Franco as "the star of General Hospital". Classic.

I love Anne Hathaway.  She's so likeable, and in my heart she will always be Mia from The Princess Diaries. Pretty dress, Anne!

Art direction blah blah blah. Bo-ring!

Kirk Douglas is still charming and feisty. I love it. Hey is Michael Douglas okay? Wasn't he sick? Melissa Leo just dropped the f-bomb. Awesome. Also she guest starred on an episode of "Veronica Mars" once where she played a transgendered man. I've decided I like her.

Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis…what is happening. Do they have bad timing together or is this just supposed to be unfunny? If that's the case, mission accomplished.

Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem-matching tuxes. Cute. Holy crap can you imagine having dinner with Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz? You would have no fucking idea what anyone was saying the entire time.

Professional screenwriters should give all awards speeches.

Is anyone really surprised to see James Franco in a dress? I mean come on. Let's get real.

I cannot believe they are remaking Arthur. Also…I really want to hate Russell Brand, but goddammit he's kind of charming, right? Have you seen him on a talk show? He's, like, lovable. Dammit, Russell Brand. Damn you.

I have to say, I'm enjoying the fancy ponytails tonight on Anne and Reese. How can I do that with my hair?

I am very sad that Geoffrey Rush didn't win Best Supporting Actor because he was amazing. I swear to God if Colin Firth doesn't win for Best Actor, I will riot. It just doesn't get any better.

Uh oh, Anne, weird dress and hair alert. You look like a bird.

Okay this movie soundtrack montage is my favorite thing ever. I don't know if you guys know this about me, but I am a total movie soundtrack nerd. I love orchestra music and I love movies and I LOOOVE movie soundtracks. Listening to movie soundtracks is an Okay Seriously family past time. Also ET happens to be one of my favorite movie scores of all time. I am geeking out here.

Hey when is Matthew McConaughey going to be in a new movie? I need to see him with his shirt off.

I will say this, make up artists amaze me. How do they do it? Cate Blanchett made me laugh when she said, "That's gross" after the scenes from The Wolfman because I was literally thinking the same thing. Ah I see Rick Baker is still rocking the old man ponytail. Classy! Is Rick Baker purporting to be straight? Because…huh?

Okay favorite song from a movie? It is impossible for me to pick one. I have been sitting here for 15 minutes, paralyzed, trying to think of just one. It cannot be done so I am going to let myself off the hook. But please feel free to tell me yours.

Um…Chuck's going to sing with Mandy Moore? What? Whoa…he's good! Seriously…what is happening?

Jake Gyllenhaal wants me to see more short films. How the hell do you even go see a short film? I'm for real asking. Holy shit I finished typing that, and two seconds later afro guy who won for Best Live Action Short Film told me I could watch short films on iTunes. Get out of my mind, Afro Short Man!

James Franco, I'm trying to decide if you're funny or awkward.

Oy-a huge misstep with this autotune musical montage. Except for Taylor Lautner's abs.

Oprah! Somewhere Steph is freaking out right now. They are BFFs (in her mind). She is also Mind BFFs with Andy Cohen. Holy boobs, Oprah. Fabulous! If I met Oprah in person she would definitely think I was an ass. Why aren't the documentary people more excited to meet her? This is how I feel when I show people a picture of my nephew, and they don't react with enough enthusiasm for how cute he is. I get annoyed. Sidenote: He is the cutest ever. Another sidenote: You guys know I'm not political, but FOR FUCKING REAL. Why aren't any financial executives rotting in jail right now?!? Okay enough of that. I want to meet Oprah. And my nephew is so cute they had to make a new scale to measure cuteness.

Jude Law and Robert Downey Jr. have great chemistry. Should I see the Sherlock Holmes movie?

Okay the editors for The Social Network just hugged before they did their speech. That was super cute. Does David Fincher ever smile?

I don't love any of the songs nominated so I really don't care what wins. I think I'll vote for the one from Tangled because I love Mandy Moore and Zachary Levi. Or Randy Newman. Whatever. I don't care. Wait he's only won 2 times? That is shocking. He's for real nominated every year. I'm loving his speech. He's like, "I'm quirky and old, and I will say whatever I want."

Oh God the "In Memoriam" section. Leslie Nielsen! How much do you love Leslie Nielsen? Kobayashi from Usual Suspects! Lynn Redgrave! Jill Clayburgh? She died? Sad! Dennis Hopper! Um…no Corey Haim? Fuck you, Academy. Also did I miss Rue McClanahan because that is seriously messed up if they left her off.

Anne's blue shiny dress is not good.

Remember when Hilary Swank was on "90210"? She has 2 Oscars now. Just reminding everyone.

Annette Bening's hair is getting more insane every year. She is now 7 inches taller than she was 10 years ago.

Jeff Bridges! My eternal older man crush. No judging please. He is delicious. So there was no question Natalie Portman was going to win Best Actress, right? I mean I wrote this before they even announced the winner. I haven't seen Black Swan nor do I plan to, but I love Natalie Portman, and she's really good so I'm completely fine with this.

I couldn't love Sandra Bullock more. Literally. I need Jesse Eisenberg to laugh at her jokes. She's funny and delightful, Jesse! Okay SERIOUSLY. Colin Firth better win this. I will lose it if he doesn't. YESSSS!! You guys, I'm telling you. This is ridiculously well deserved. Go see this movie if you haven't already. I love you, Colin Firth.

Oh my. Anne's last dress is a nightmare.

Steven Spielberg! Jurassic Park theme song! I'm just saying.

Wow. I loved The King's Speech, but I'm actually surprised it won. I thought for sure The Social Network would win it. Yay! I think the last time I saw the winning picture was Titanic. I only saw that one 3 times in the theater. Didn't we all? Just admit it. Okay I just looked it up, and I saw The Departed which won in 2006 (fucking awesome movie) and The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (fucking awesome movie).

These singing kids are cute. I'm almost positive these are the same kids who sang at the lighting of the White House Christmas tree.  That fun fact is brought to you courtesy of HGTV.  I love you, HGTV!

In summation: I'm pretty sure James Franco was high tonight.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

My first attempt at using the Blogger app for Droid

Dear 100 year old man driving (swerving) in front of me last night,

I already assumed you shouldn't be driving (swerving) when I saw your old man hat and your handicapped sticker. But then you sealed it for me when, in a fit of confusion, you just stopped your car in the middle of an intersection. I was not surprised when I passed you and you had an oxygen mask on. I tried to get your attention to see if you needed help, but you didn't see me. I think the best way for me to help would be if I TOOK YOUR LICENSE AWAY FOREVER. Seriously, it's over. I'm sure you're a lovely man whose family would very much like you alive and/or not in jail for vehicular manslaughter. Also I do like that hat. It is so grandpa-y.


Note: If this app works, expect mini posting to be my new thing.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.7

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Another Valentine's Day, another bottle of wine consumed

Happy Valentine's Day!  Yes, it's a stupid holiday.   But my cold heart was warmed tonight when I went to dinner with my friends and cuddled with my perfect nephew.  He's so cute, it's painful.  He smiles all the time now, has huge beautiful dimples and a butt chin, and when you lean in to kiss him he opens his mouth.  It's slobbery and amazing. 

Saturday, in honor of VD (you guys are gross), we bar hopped and shared stories of all the kids who broke our hearts when we were little.  For example, Bryan B. totally checked "No" when I asked him to go with me in 5th grade.  And in 2nd grade, Mike M. dumped Steph because she had red hair which he said was "ugly"-even though he had red hair, too.  Uncool, Mike!  Many, many, many, many drinks were consumed and lots of fun was had.  Also Steph and I totally looked like slutty moms-lots of cleavage paired with cardigans.  Listen I don't want to give up showing off the ladies, but also I'm cold.  Thus "Inappropriate PTA Mom" (that's what I called myself.)

Okay random stuff:

- Go see "The King's Speech".  It's wonderful and feel good, and the acting is literally as good as it gets. 

- "This is not my generation." - Our friend's girlfriend, while walking off the dance floor at a birthday party, 10 seconds after "This is How We Do It" by Montell Jordan started playing and 5 seconds after Diane, Drew, Matt, Woody and I were like, "Yeah!  Now we're talking!  Awesome song!"

- Hey.  I have a serious question:


Thursday, February 03, 2011

This is my version of Access Hollywood only without any interviews or facts or anything of interest to anyone

We can talk Hollywood, right?  I'm pretty sure nothing important is going on anywhere else in the rest of the world.  There is certainly no history making, attention demanding, political uprising happening anywhere.  That's for sure.  I think we're clear to proceed with talking about the things that really matter.

1.  I like James Franco, okay?  I do.  But I just...I need like a breather away from him.  He is seriously constantly in my face.  A lot of women think he is uber hot.  I am not one of them.  I think he's cute in that "weird dude who sits in the back of my Religion 101 class and sleeps-I mean I guess he's kinda cute I just wish he wasn't high all the time" way.  I do like him, though (hello, General Hospital appearance!?).  I just need like 5 minutes.  Five minutes Franco free.

2.  New shows: 

- Off the Map.  This is Grey's in the jungle.  I'm not in love with it, but I like the jungle medicine.  And it has my beloved Matt Saracen so I will watch it until it is off the air or my eyeballs no longer work.  Speaking of Matt Saracen, sweetest most wonderful character on television, why aren't you watching Friday Night Lights again?  Let's get going here.  The final season starts April 15th on NBC so you have time to catch up before then. 

- Perfect Couples.  I watched this one because it was after Community.  It was not awesome but kind of charming.  However, I thought tonight's episode was hilarious.  I like the cast (Olivia Munn is blah-but she's harmless and cute so I'm okay with it).  Plus hilarious phone commercial guy is in it and some hot guy with permanent party voice.  (Is this helping you learn the actors' names?)  And, okay, has anyone seen the movie "Fired Up"?  It's so stupid, but I love that movie.  There's a guy in it-he plays a dickhead boyfriend-and he's so funny I literally cannot deal with it.  At one point he and his friends are driving in his convertible singing "Tubthumping" by Chumbawumba at the top of their lungs, and he's like, "Awesome song! Chumbawumba. It's the soundtrack of my life man!"  Dammit that's funny.  And his last scene of the movie had me giggling so uncontrollably, I had to pause the movie (yeah I actually rented it).  Anyway, that guy is on this show.  He plays Vance for those who watch it.  I don't know why, but I am seriously into this guy and his delivery.  Give him to me.

3.  Anyone watch Medium?  Did you see the series finale?  WORST. SERIES. FINALE. EVER.  Amiright?  I am so right!  Diane, Drew and I are pretending it never happened.  Seriously, Medium watchers, I want to hear from you.  What did you think of the HORRIBLENESS (real word)?

Sidenote:  You guys, I just had to pause this blog post because my nose was bleeding.  That is hot.

4.  "The Roommate" is this generation's "Single White Female", right?

5.  That movie "Hall Pass" totally stole Steph's pickup line ("Do you know how much a polar bear weighs?  Enough to break the ice.  Hi. I'm Steph.")  Note:  I have seen this work.
6.  I just saw a preview for something called "I Am Number Four".  a) What the hell is that?  b) Who the hell is this?

Seriously.  This guy is good.  He's good stuff.  Well done, genetics.  His name is like Alex BritishNameHotGuy, and I'm pretty sure he's about 15.  Is everyone in the movies now 10-15 years younger than me?  That's what it feels like.  Excuse me while I go watch "Cocoon".  What's sad is, that's barely a joke.  I effing love Cocoon.  Guttenberg?  Brimley?  Yes please.

6.  Not Hollywood related, but I'm all about breaking the rules.  Last night I had dreams within my dreams.  Lots of them.  It was seriously my own version of  "Inception".  In one of them, I had a pet dragon (obviously) who I named Falkor.  I like how in my dreams, I'm still referencing pop culture (you guys know).  Anyway, Johnny Virgil read that on Twitter and then this happened over instant messaging:

From Johnny Virgil:

From Okay Seriously:

Work is fun sometimes.

Friday, January 28, 2011

My computer is trying to kill me

Dear computer,
Can you please stop being the most annoying POS on Earth?  The slowness, the random attacks where suddenly everything is "Not Responding" at once.  I will punch you. Something is up your butt the past week or so, and I'm gonna need you to calmly and quietly remove it.  I mean you don't really have a "butt" per se, but if you did, I guess it would be...the DVD drive?  Is it weird that I'm suggesting computers have body parts and that I am spending time looking for the ass?  Yes it is, but in my defense I live alone and am most likely insane.  I will write my manifesto as soon as you GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, COMPUTER!  

So I literally cannot believe it's been 25 years since the Challenger exploded.  How is that possible?  Raise your hand if you were, like me, a little kid watching it on TV at school.  I remember I really didn't know what was going on since I'd never seen a space shuttle launch before.  I didn't know anything was wrong until it was very clear all the teachers were really upset.  Here's Ronald Reagan's speech addressing it on TV that night. 

How about some pictures?

Here's a picture of a weird turkey duck hybrid type of animal.  Seriously this thing is weird, and when we were in Florida it kept walking up to our table while we were eating.  I would guess it's a type of duck, but what's up with your face, duck!?  Also I don't like to be bothered by mascots when I'm eating.  And that's pretty much what you are.

Look I'm a giant!

When I was in junior high, I had these shorts.  I got them at a store called Wearhouse of Fashion.  Any West side Clevelandars out there know this store?  You could get like 3 grocery bags worth of clothes for $20 or something ridiculous.  I'm not joking.  You brought your own bags.  And it was just a huge warehouse.  My mom, sister and I and my friend Kim and her mom used to go once every couple months and spend hours there.  It was awesome.  The clothes were not.  But I loved them anyway.  Especially these shorts.  I had two pairs, each with patterns.  I wore a lot of matching pocket tees with them. 

Behold these beauties:

Some comments:

1. Right?  I wore these.  In public.  A lot.
2.  I guarantee that purple shirt is tucked in in the front but not the back.
3.  Pink slouch socks.
4.  Keds.
5.  Not pictured:  My oversized barette, my rolled up t-shirt sleeves, my tail, my pride.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Thought I should tell you about my last weekend since it's now next weekend

Friday we went to happy hour.  Our new friend Claire was there.  Matt and Woody met Claire at a bar, and she is so lovely they invited her out to meet everyone.  She is awesome.  Since she was new, we completely behaved ourselves.  And by that I mean we told her embarassing drunk stories and Steph brought up...okay I can't write it.  I thought I would just link to a definition of it, but I don't feel comfortable even typing it into Google.  Seriously I'm like a prude 7th grader at this point.  So yeah suffice it to say, it's a sexual act that, as a group, we decided was pretty lame.  It involves a man and a woman...and boobs.  Okay I can't say anything else.  I feel my face getting hot and blushy.  Let me just be clear and say that this is not something we have ever talked about, yet, Steph brought it up three times in 2 weeks.  Once on New Year's Eve, once a week later and then again in front of our new friend Claire who I'm quite certain thinks we are drunken deviants.

Despite that, however, she showed up on Saturday for game night.  She must be a glutton for punishment.  Also she sat by me, and I would not let her take a break from telling me her life story.  I can be very pushy when I have decided I want to be friends with someone.  I will get in your face until you like me dammit.  Also can I just say Pictionary rules.  If you haven't played lately, I suggest you do.  Watching your friends figure out how to draw things is the best thing ever.  For example, Sharda had to draw "ice chest", and she drew ice (I don't remember how) and then drew huuuuge boobs.  It was X-rated and brilliant because we guessed it.  I had to draw "New Jersey", and I drew the United States and circled approximately where I thought New Jersey might be.  It's on the right, right?  By the way, my picture of the US excluded Florida.  Like I just forgot it was there.  Then I drew this:

'What the hell is that?' you're asking.  If you're Matt, you yell out "New Jersey!" because you have immediately figured out that that is Snookie.  Greatest drawing ever?  Maybe.  You can see my Pictionary drawing skills match my MS Paint skills.

Sunday was poker night at my friend Mike's house where I met an awesome hairdresser who told me I had pretty hair then I got wasted and called a bunch of my coworkers-including several managers-pussies.  I'm expecting a pink slip soon.*

Monday was book club which involved lots of wine, girl talk, TV talk and hot guy talk. Oh and book talk.  That's never the focus of our book club, though.  I mean let's get serious.  This book was about the Holocaust so it was a real laugh riot. 

Since I've been a bad blogger-I think maybe I have writer's block, no joke-here is a bonus picture of me as a kid executing the greatest cartwheel ever:

Just look at that form.  I mean one of my feet is even off the ground a little bit.  Prodigy!  P.S. My sister was wearing the same leotard in pink.  Also we had matching legwarmers. 

*Just kidding, Mom and Dad.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Maybe I don't need you to post every single thought as you have it

It actually feels like three people are simultaneously smashing my head in with sledgehammers right now so I pre-apologize for my brevity.  And also ugh, you guys.  This Arizona shooting is just...ugh.  It's so depressing.  I needed a break from reality.  So I just spent an hour reading Your Status is Annoying.  I am totally obsessed with this site, and I found out it's run by a Clevelander which makes me very proud.  It compiles real life annoying Facebook statuses.  Come on-we all have friends on Facebook whose statuses are literally the worst.  Well thanks to this site, you have a chance to take anonymous revenge by sending the offender's worst statuses to be posted and mocked for the entire world to see.  Awesome.  I wish I had thought of it.  A warning: There's a good chance you'll be truly saddened by the butchering of the English language by some of our society's younger members.  We're doomed.  That is essentially what I'm trying to say.  Our future is going to hell in a handbasket.  However, that may not matter since...

...the world is for sure ending, right? Birds falling from the sky, thousands of fish suddenly dying, floods in Australia, ice storms in the south. I mean this is it. Time to complete those bucket lists, gang.  The end is

P.S.  Are Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds dating?  Is this really happening?  I should be more outraged on behalf of Scarlett since they literally just announced their divorce-you know female solidarity and all-but I can't help it.  I am super excited.  Sandy and Ryan might be the cutest pairing ever.  I mean besides me and Ryan.

Monday, January 03, 2011

Welcome to the other side

I have strategically placed this picture first to make sure none of you can be mad at me for not posting all week.  You can't be mad!  Cute baby wrapped up under the tree!

So I took a vacation from, well, everything.  I had a week off of work, and it was glorious.  I fell into an abyss of sleeping in, getting stuff done on my house and Netflix streaming.  You guys, seriously.  Netflix streaming.  Why have I just discovered this?  First I find they are streaming Veronica Mars, and now I see that they are streaming all seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  Hello!  Go relive the magic.  (I'm assuming we all watched both of these when they were on since they were AWESOME.)

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday.  Mine was fantastic as usual.  On Christmas Eve we ate chop suey-a traditional Christmas Eve dinner...for the cast of "A Christmas Story".  Then my sister, Drew and I got into our matching shirts and went to bed.  You wish I was kidding, don't you.  I'm not.  We have matching shirts from our Reindeer Run race last year.  We wear them on Christmas.  We are losers.  If I ever get a boyfriend, we're going to have to get new shirts.  I totally set it up like I was going to say, "If I ever get a boyfriend, we'll have to stop with the matching shirts", but I went the opposite direction.  I'm sure handing him a shirt that the three of us are already wearing won't scare him away.

Having Trevor with us this year was absolutely amazing.  He obviously had no idea what was going on and he slept most of the day, but just having him there elevated the day.  I mean he had a Santa hat on.  A baby sized Santa hat!  Also he smiles now-real smiles and not just because he has gas.  It's the best thing ever.  I say that a lot of things are the best thing ever, but this is actually the best thing ever. 

As you all know, New Year's in my nemesis.  I've laid out the reasons why in the past.  But this year, we decided not to stress about our plans, to treat it like any other night out with friends.  And it worked.  It was actually...*gulp*  Some highlights:

-   Steph didn't  make us eat the ass bread.  Well, not exactly anyway.  She brought actual soft pretzels instead of pure ass in a pretzel shape so it tasted good.  Matt talked her into it.  Thank you, Matt.  Seriously...thank you. 

- Not really a highlight, more just a fact:  Due to something called "the stomach flu", Diane and Drew weren't able to come out.  But silver lining:  New Year's Redo, anyone? 

- Again not a highlight per se, but poor Steph had an asthma attack, and Matt had to go get her inhaler.  While she was on the sidewalk hacking and almost dying from lack of oxygen, strangers walked by and told her she should quit smoking.  Helpful.

- Meg cried at midnight because she "felt so blessed to have such awesome people in her life".  I also think it's because she "was so drunk." 

- I kissed hot dudes.  Okay they were the guys we came with but whatever.  I'm counting it. 

- This is how Steph ordered a drink for me at one point:  "If you were a freshman in college and wanted to get a girl drunk who doesn't drink, what would you make?  Make that."  The bartender nodded and then made me some fruity drink that tasted like it came straight from heaven. I had 2 more of those puppies.

So now it's 2011.  Only one more year till the world ends.  According to John Cusack anyway.  Steph says a new year is a chance for a clean slate, for renewal and reinvention.  I'm thinking I should reinvent myself as Ryan Reynolds new wife.  Also I should learn to ice skate since it was on my "Things to do before I'm 30" list, and if I don't learn it soon I'm running a real risk of breaking a hip if I fall.  Other goals include:  learning to juggle, watching an Oscar nominated movie without falling asleep, blogging more frequently, making my fat roll talk to people at parties less frequently and buying more tennis shoes with laces that require I bend over to put them on.  No I'm joking about that last one.  Obviously.

What are your goals for the last year on Earth (thanks Mayans!)?