So I actually decided to watch the Oscars tonight. Lately I've been trying to avoid them, but I like a few of the films I've seen, and there are a lot of other ones I want to see. Also I haven't had enough of James Franco lately. Let's get started:
This intro is hilarious. Alec Baldwin rules everything. You guys watch "30 Rock", right? You do. Also Morgan Freeman just introduced James Franco as "the star of General Hospital". Classic.
I love Anne Hathaway. She's so likeable, and in my heart she will always be Mia from The Princess Diaries. Pretty dress, Anne!
Art direction blah blah blah. Bo-ring!
Kirk Douglas is still charming and feisty. I love it. Hey is Michael Douglas okay? Wasn't he sick? Melissa Leo just dropped the f-bomb. Awesome. Also she guest starred on an episode of "Veronica Mars" once where she played a transgendered man. I've decided I like her.
Justin Timberlake and Mila Kunis…what is happening. Do they have bad timing together or is this just supposed to be unfunny? If that's the case, mission accomplished.
Josh Brolin and Javier Bardem-matching tuxes. Cute. Holy crap can you imagine having dinner with Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz? You would have no fucking idea what anyone was saying the entire time.
Professional screenwriters should give all awards speeches.
Is anyone really surprised to see James Franco in a dress? I mean come on. Let's get real.
I cannot believe they are remaking Arthur. Also…I really want to hate Russell Brand, but goddammit he's kind of charming, right? Have you seen him on a talk show? He's, like, lovable. Dammit, Russell Brand. Damn you.
I have to say, I'm enjoying the fancy ponytails tonight on Anne and Reese. How can I do that with my hair?
I am very sad that Geoffrey Rush didn't win Best Supporting Actor because he was amazing. I swear to God if Colin Firth doesn't win for Best Actor, I will riot. It just doesn't get any better.
Uh oh, Anne, weird dress and hair alert. You look like a bird.
Okay this movie soundtrack montage is my favorite thing ever. I don't know if you guys know this about me, but I am a total movie soundtrack nerd. I love orchestra music and I love movies and I LOOOVE movie soundtracks. Listening to movie soundtracks is an Okay Seriously family past time. Also ET happens to be one of my favorite movie scores of all time. I am geeking out here.
Hey when is Matthew McConaughey going to be in a new movie? I need to see him with his shirt off.
I will say this, make up artists amaze me. How do they do it? Cate Blanchett made me laugh when she said, "That's gross" after the scenes from The Wolfman because I was literally thinking the same thing. Ah I see Rick Baker is still rocking the old man ponytail. Classy! Is Rick Baker purporting to be straight? Because…huh?
Okay favorite song from a movie? It is impossible for me to pick one. I have been sitting here for 15 minutes, paralyzed, trying to think of just one. It cannot be done so I am going to let myself off the hook. But please feel free to tell me yours.
Um…Chuck's going to sing with Mandy Moore? What? Whoa…he's good! Seriously…what is happening?
Jake Gyllenhaal wants me to see more short films. How the hell do you even go see a short film? I'm for real asking. Holy shit I finished typing that, and two seconds later afro guy who won for Best Live Action Short Film told me I could watch short films on iTunes. Get out of my mind, Afro Short Man!
James Franco, I'm trying to decide if you're funny or awkward.
Oy-a huge misstep with this autotune musical montage. Except for Taylor Lautner's abs.
Oprah! Somewhere Steph is freaking out right now. They are BFFs (in her mind). She is also Mind BFFs with Andy Cohen. Holy boobs, Oprah. Fabulous! If I met Oprah in person she would definitely think I was an ass. Why aren't the documentary people more excited to meet her? This is how I feel when I show people a picture of my nephew, and they don't react with enough enthusiasm for how cute he is. I get annoyed. Sidenote: He is the cutest ever. Another sidenote: You guys know I'm not political, but FOR FUCKING REAL. Why aren't any financial executives rotting in jail right now?!? Okay enough of that. I want to meet Oprah. And my nephew is so cute they had to make a new scale to measure cuteness.
Jude Law and Robert Downey Jr. have great chemistry. Should I see the Sherlock Holmes movie?
Okay the editors for The Social Network just hugged before they did their speech. That was super cute. Does David Fincher ever smile?
I don't love any of the songs nominated so I really don't care what wins. I think I'll vote for the one from Tangled because I love Mandy Moore and Zachary Levi. Or Randy Newman. Whatever. I don't care. Wait he's only won 2 times? That is shocking. He's for real nominated every year. I'm loving his speech. He's like, "I'm quirky and old, and I will say whatever I want."
Oh God the "In Memoriam" section. Leslie Nielsen! How much do you love Leslie Nielsen? Kobayashi from Usual Suspects! Lynn Redgrave! Jill Clayburgh? She died? Sad! Dennis Hopper! Um…no Corey Haim? Fuck you, Academy. Also did I miss Rue McClanahan because that is seriously messed up if they left her off.
Anne's blue shiny dress is not good.
Remember when Hilary Swank was on "90210"? She has 2 Oscars now. Just reminding everyone.
Annette Bening's hair is getting more insane every year. She is now 7 inches taller than she was 10 years ago.
Jeff Bridges! My eternal older man crush. No judging please. He is delicious. So there was no question Natalie Portman was going to win Best Actress, right? I mean I wrote this before they even announced the winner. I haven't seen Black Swan nor do I plan to, but I love Natalie Portman, and she's really good so I'm completely fine with this.
I couldn't love Sandra Bullock more. Literally. I need Jesse Eisenberg to laugh at her jokes. She's funny and delightful, Jesse! Okay SERIOUSLY. Colin Firth better win this. I will lose it if he doesn't. YESSSS!! You guys, I'm telling you. This is ridiculously well deserved. Go see this movie if you haven't already. I love you, Colin Firth.
Oh my. Anne's last dress is a nightmare.
Steven Spielberg! Jurassic Park theme song! I'm just saying.
Wow. I loved The King's Speech, but I'm actually surprised it won. I thought for sure The Social Network would win it. Yay! I think the last time I saw the winning picture was Titanic. I only saw that one 3 times in the theater. Didn't we all? Just admit it. Okay I just looked it up, and I saw The Departed which won in 2006 (fucking awesome movie) and The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (fucking awesome movie).
These singing kids are cute. I'm almost positive these are the same kids who sang at the lighting of the White House Christmas tree. That fun fact is brought to you courtesy of HGTV. I love you, HGTV!
In summation: I'm pretty sure James Franco was high tonight.