Thursday, April 30, 2009

Best laid plans

My plan for last night:
- Clean my bedroom
- Catch up on Lost (I'm 3 weeks behind)
- Post about Lost

What I did last night:
- Drank martinis
- Passed out in my recliner
- Woke up at 5am still in my work clothes

When will I learn that martinis on a weeknight is never a good idea?

My company just sent out an email with this subject line: Swine flu preparation. In it are some pretty helpful tips that are hard to figure out on your own if you are the sort of person who has a general misunderstanding of communicable diseases or has brain damage:

1. Cover your nose and mouth with a tissue when you cough or sneeze. Throw the tissue in the trash after you use it.
2. Wash your hands often with soap and water, especially after you cough or sneeze. Alcohol-based hand cleaners are also effective.
3. Avoid touching your eyes, nose or mouth. Germs spread this way.
4. Try to avoid close contact with sick people.

I'm amending number 4 to say "Try to avoid close contact with sick people. And pigs." I joke about these being common sense, but the sad thing is there are a lot of people who need these reminders. That is why I wear a full body rubber hazmat suit to work everyday. You never know who you can trust. Plus I look good in yellow.

In other news, X-Men Origins: Wolverine comes out tomorrow night starring every hot man in the universe. Also I heard that Jon from Jon and Kate Plus 8 is cheating on Kate! Someone please look into this right away and get back to me with the details. I am freaking out.

Finally, I love it when the marching band nerds win. Also, read that and tell me if you agree that that Deputy is working on building his stand up comedy routine.

Monday, April 27, 2009

Thank you for being a friend

The world just becomes less bright once the Golden Girls start leaving us. At least Dorothy and her Ma are now reunited somewhere. When Betty White dies, I'm taking off work to mourn because a world without Betty White is like french fries without ketchup-still fine but not nearly as good.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009


Okay Steph made a great point in her comment to my last post about the radio show, and I want to make sure I make this very clear: Even though I am not a fan of the show, it was very generous of them to have us on. I would have preferred if we had more than 1 minute to talk about our cause, but the truth is it did reach people and have an effect. So while I make fun of our experience there, I want to make sure I explain that I am not ungrateful. They did a good thing, and they continue to support us by promoting our events on their web site. Nothing I write is intended to be a personal attack-just a commentary on how much I loathe local radio. And how I'm kind of a whiney bitch which, let's be honest, is the real heart of the matter here. So in all sincerity, thank you, local radio station. We really do appreciate your support! Okay now you can scroll down and finish the radio post. Thank you for you attention and have a good day. Also Ron on "The Biggest Loser" is a total asshat.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Cleveland Still Rocks!

Radio Show: The Conclusion (continued from yesterday)

Eventually it was our turn to present. We were given about one minute to explain the deal. The girl who got us on the radio is the one who ended up speaking. Then she had to leave. That was about an hour into the program-so about 7:30am. The next two hours were…surreal. You guys know I am bad at chronological order and that I like lists, so here is the rest of the day in list form:

- At one point, MDM said to us in the studio, “Okay guys, when we come back from commercial, I’m going to say the word ‘vasectomy’. Everyone react.” Only he didn’t tell us how to react. So when we were back on air he said ‘vasectomy’ and the radio caller mom’s family of course knew exactly how to react and all made an exaggerated kind of “aw-disgusting!” kind of noise. My reaction was this: “Whoo-hooaeehhh blech!!” I started to whoo-hoo then caught on. Steph’s reaction was more of a very loud shocked gasp-as if her sensibilities had been offended-and then fading into a disgusted grumble. He repeated the word ‘vasectomy’ over and over and over each time eliciting a reaction from his audience and by about the 4th time, I was laughing so hard I couldn’t breathe. WTF was happening? Seriously?

- Okay so this radio show is, in a word, horrible. The jokes are uber-cheesy, and they just keep saying the same things over and over. Every minute we had to sit there and listen to the show sucked the life out of us-no one more than Diane, though. By 8am, she was completely done having any part of fake reacting to anything the DJs said.

- Since we were going to be on the radio and had to be there at 6am, I made absolutely no attempt to make myself look nice. I mean I wore jeans and a sweater-it’s not like I showed up in my Def Leppard t-shirt (I totally should have), but I didn’t shower or do my hair or anything (man I’m hot). So imagine my delight when MDM said, “Hey can I get a picture of you guys to put on our web site?” Awesome. We had to hold up a giant sign with the name of the radio station. As he was taking the picture, he goes, “Hey-how about a smile there in the middle? Is this that bad?” It was Diane. Fantastic.

- After that picture, radio caller mom wanted to take our picture with MDM-kind of a heavyset guy. He made some joke about his girth then goes, “I don’t mean it like that!” Radio caller mom goes, “Oh, MDM, they listen to your show. They know your sense of humor!” Cue sideways glances to each other and a collective sarcastic thought of, ‘No we totally listen to this show all the time.’

- At one point in the show, the MDM pressed some button which made all these loud noises and played a weird song and radio caller family and all the DJs all started screaming “Banana phone!” then radio caller mom started singing along with the song. D, Steph and I huddled together in fear, unsure of what was happening. MDM goes, “Looks like we got a call on the Banana Phone!!” thus reminding me of why I hate radio shows. Steph leaned over and goes, “Okay I hate me, too.”

- We were starting to get restless and annoyed that they weren’t asking us about our service organization like we were told they would. Then suddenly MDM wordlessly pointed to Diane then to the microphone in front of her. Her reaction? Push Steph as hard as she could toward the mic and hide in the corner. It was so funny, I almost peed. But finally, Steph was going to get a chance to speak on behalf of our organization, to spread the word about the good work we’re doing. The On Air light came on. He asked her her name. She said Steph. He asked what she did for a living. She said she worked for an insurance company. He asked if she was “down with AIG”. She said, “Yeah…you know me.” Then they played one of those homemade songs that DJs like to record where they take a popular song and put in their own “funny” lyrics thereby rendering the song both unfunny and unlistenable. This one was to the tune of “OPP” and they changed the words to “You down with AIG?” Yes-Steph had unwittingly given them the perfect segue into playing that piece of crap. I think being a part of that still eats at her. The best part is that they didn’t even ask her about the group again. Also Dan texted me soon after and said, “Was Steph just on the radio talking about insurance?”

Awesome sidenote here: I wondered why Steph didn’t give the DJ her last name when he asked her. I found out later that a couple months ago, she had gone to a concert. He stood in front of her (he is big, she is small) and flirted with chicks during the entire opening act-the only reason she was there. So naturally, she emailed him and told him how rude he was. That set off a whole email war. She didn’t tell him her last name because she was afraid he would recognize it. If I haven’t said it enough before, I LOVE STEPH.

- The highlight of the day was when we were on a commercial break, and we overheard one of the DJs go, “So you guys said no to Coulier?” MDM: “Yeah-I have nothing to talk to that guy about.” “Dave Coulier?” I asked. Faceless DJ: “Yeah. You guys want to meet him?” Us: “Um…YES!!!” The entire audience immediately cleared out of the room during the radio show to go try and hunt him down. But he was in another studio being interviewed so we couldn’t talk to him. Then he left before we could meet him. I don’t think I have ever been so bitter. My basic thought process was: ‘You had time to play some stupid AIG song but you didn’t have time to talk to Dave Coulier? You’re officially the worst radio station ever.’ Man how awesome would that have been been to meet him! Here’s the kicker: Right before this, Steph had excused herself to go to the restroom. She passed by the conference room where two men were sitting, and she said hello and they said hi back. She thought to herself, ‘Hmm…that one guy looks familiar.’ Yeah-it was Dave Coulier. She met him and didn’t know it until 10 minutes later. Dammit, Steph!

- Intern gave us t-shirts. They are the most amazing shade of bright florescent green I’ve ever seen. They are tie dyed and said “I survived Festive Friday!” on them. It is my favorite t-shirt ever.

- By about 9, I was out of patience. All I wanted to do was not be there anymore. I immediately began texting people about how horrible it was and how I wanted to leave. One of the DJs totally caught me texting and said, “What’s going on here? What are you texting about?” “Oh just how much this show sucks,” is what I wanted to say. What I really said was, “Oh my friend is listening and wants me to yell something into the mic.” I got yelled at for texting, you guys. Is that what high school is like now?

- At 9:30, we realized we still had an hour to go. Steph started gathering her things and putting on her coat. D and I didn’t know what was going on. She turned to the DJ and said, “I’m so sorry but I have to go be a lawyer now.” I immediately knew what was happening-Steph was ditching us. I was flabbergasted. I went as a favor to her and she was ditching me!? Luckily Diane was onto her quicker than I was and as soon as Steph said, “I have to go be a lawyer now”, D stood up and said, “Yes, me too.” So I stood up and said, “Me too. We have to go be lawyers.”

- Once we got to the parking lot, we collapsed in laughter. Then we attempted to leave, but all the exits were gated. We couldn’t get out. After 5ish minutes of trying to leave, someone on the inside finally opened the gate for us. Which means people were watching us on the surveillance cameras. Awesome.

- Ten minutes after we left the studio Steph noticed her shirt was on inside out.

All in all, in no way have I captured how freaking awesome and ridiculous this day was. I don’t even know if anyone besides the three of us will even find this amusing, but it needed to be captured for prosperity. During the ‘vasectomy’ fiasco, all I could think was, “Seriously how did I get here? Why is this my life right now?” And I think I figured it out:

Cleveland Rocks!

A few Cleveland related items for you today:

- My sister had a hair appointment tonight with our hairdresser Cheryl. While she was there a Browns player came in and set up an appointment to have his chest waxed. Which is just fantastic. But then my sister found out something even more awesome: Cheryl used to do Clay Matthews' hair! Clay Matthews, Browns fans! Remember Clay's beautiful flowing mullet? Yeah-Cheryl's doing. Clay is a Cleveland treasure and just knowing that the hands that touched his mullet now do my hair makes my insides tingle with excitement.

- Let me just say something right now: I LOVE this city. It is my home. It has so many things going for it. I feel like I live in this secret gem of a city-a secret that not everyone is in on yet. I believe in this place, I love it with my whole heart. But holy f*cking shit: this video is literally the funniest thing I have ever seen.

- If you remember, Steph put together a coat drive in January to help homeless men in the area. It was a rousing success, and many people approached her there and said, "What are we doing next?" Fast forward to a few weeks later and she had started a new charity/community service organization. I won't go into all the details right now-more to come on this for sure-but basically this organization is about the betterment of Cleveland. It’s about taking care of the city itself and the people in it. It's about not propagating the negative stereotypes put out by things like the video I just posted above. Oh man I just know Steph is going to hate that video. I should state some important facts about it, though. The guy who created it is from Cleveland. His name is Mike Polk, and he's absolutely hilarious. He's an improv actor and a stand up comedian, and he loves this city. I met him briefly at a charity event a couple years ago, and in addition to being really cute, he's incredibly nice. Non-Clevelanders, please take this video for what it is-just a parody. Cleveland is a wonderful city with so much to offer. Come visit us! You can stay with me, and we'll make Steph do a Choose Your Own Adventure: Cleveland day. You'll see how great it is. Also when you have time, watch this video of Mike's as well.

Now...if you recall a couple weeks ago, I mentioned that Steph, Diane and I did something involving a radio show. It's time to tell you the story. It is really, really long so I think I have to break it up into a couple-three posts or else you will want to kill yourself-or worse, me. (Just kidding-it's only equally as bad to kill me).

So a girl we know who is a charter member of the aforementioned community service organization born out of Steph's coat drive happens to know a local radio DJ. She called up this DJ and told her about the group, and I think you see where this is going. The DJ thought it was awesome and asked for a few group members to come onto the show to talk about it-genuinely a nice offer and a great way to get the word out. But that means someone had to go be on the radio.

Now just a quick aside here: I am not going to name the DJs or radio station. Some of you Clevelanders will figure it out which is totally fine. I'm not so arrogant to think any DJ would ever read this blog (or anyone else for that matter), but holy crap what if they google their name and this comes up and I am ripping on them (which I am about to do)? Horrible. So no names.

So this particular morning radio show has a special show every Friday called Festive Friday where they bring in a bunch of people to sit in the audience and talk about whatever they're there to talk about. What they told our group was that they'd ask us about the organization, do some radio show stuff, ask us some more questions, do some more radio show, talk to the other people there, etc. I went to my first meeting for Steph's organization a week and a half before the radio show. At that meeting, Steph brought it up and literally started begging for people to go to the studio with her. The girl who set it up for us was going, but had to leave really early to get to work. Steph also had to work, but told her employees she'd be in late because she was going on the radio. I would love to have seen their faces when they heard that. Anyway, she was in full on puppy dog mode begging for anyone just to come sit beside her at the radio station. "You won't have to talk. I will do all the talking. Just please don't make me go by myself."

At the other end of the table, I was avoiding eye contact with her because I had a secret: I had that day off and could absolutely go. I confessed my secret to Christy who told me to be strong. Thirty seconds later, Steph and I made eye contact and the guilt overcame me. "I will go with you, Steph." I wish you could've seen her face. It was like a little girl coming downstairs on Christmas and seeing the Barbie Dream House sitting there. Christy was like, "Wow-that was fast. Way to hold off." Then, unable to stop my mouth, I said, "Steph, you know who else has that day off? Diane." Steph said, "Done. I can handle her." Yes, I sold out my little sister. But dammit if I have to go, she has to go.

I would just like to take a quick minute and mention some things about me here that maybe you don't know:

1. I do not listen to the radio. I hate the radio. Especially morning radio. The only times I voluntarily listen to radio are for the 30 seconds my alarm goes off in the morning and at Christmas when Soft Rock 102.1 plays Christmas music 24/7.

2. I did not know what this show was. I am actually familiar with one of the DJs because she's been around forever. And I saw her emcee an Easter Seals event once (she was wasted), but I don’t know her show.

3. I do not have a good radio voice. I have a horrible radio voice. I am from Cleveland. I am nasal. That is just how it is. Also I am not quick on my feet. I am way better in writing than in person (which is sad). In person, I’m a nervous giggler. So I was really nervous that I was going to have to talk.

So Friday came and we had to be at the radio station downtown at 6am. 6am. That's like 4 hours earlier than I get downtown for work. As we were getting ready in the morning, D's and my hatred for Steph grew exponentially. We couldn't believe we were up at 5:15am getting ready to be on the gdamn radio. D and I drove together and met at Steph's place. Diane called her to tell her we were there, and she answered the phone like this, "You're pretty!" cuz she knew, you guys. She could feel the hatred emanating from our car. We got to the station's building which by the way was in the ghetto and was the crappiest building on the block. I don't know why, but I was expecting some flashy fancy building. I mean it's radio, right? It's glamorous! Wrong. It's the redheaded stepchild of the broadcasting world.

We walked in and some intern took us back to the conference room which looked like someone's basement. Then he brought in a family. The oldest son was in his army uniform so we assumed that's why they were on the show. They were really nice and seemed relatively normal. Intern brought us Panera-lots of food and coffee. It was really nice. After we ate, they brought us into the studio. It was massive. And by massive I mean massively small. It was basically the size of my cubicle at work which is basically the size of a hamster cage. We all piled in, and the DJs said hi and asked us why were there. They told us that every time they said "Festive Friday" we should scream and yell and clap really loud.

The DJs asked the family why they were there. This was the mom’s answer: “Our son’s leaving at the end of April for Afghanistan, and we want to go out to a really fancy dinner before he leaves. We couldn’t decide where to go so we thought we’d ask your listeners.” Here was my reaction to that reason: “???” Just complete confusion. Seriously you’re here to ask restaurant advice? I don’t know about D and Steph, but I just assumed no one would call in because, well, frankly it was dumb. So they put her on the air, and she started talking about her son leaving and she choked up. Then I felt like a complete asshole.

Then the greatest thing happened. She explained why she was there and the DJ goes, “Now who’s this young lady next to him?” The mom goes, “That’s his girlfriend. Or fiancĂ©e. I don’t know-which is it?” The son was like, “Fiancee” and the DJ goes, “You don’t know if they’re engaged or not? Do you not approve?” And she said, “Oh no no-we adore her. But you know, he’s going away and she’s young and going to school and has a lot of experiences ahead of her.” D, Steph and I were losing our shit. This lady had basically just disapproved of her son’s relationship on the air. So awkward, so awesome. Then she brought up that she was looking for a restaurant to go to. As I said, I assumed no one would call in. I couldn’t be more wrong. Immediately people were calling in with restaurant advice-some of it just completely horrible to be honest.

See, there’s this whole subculture of people who’s “thing” is to call into radio shows. Like they call in all the time. They are regulars. The DJs even recognized some of them by voice. This subculture is something I don’t understand. At sleepovers when I was 12, my friends and I would call into radio stations to request Milli Vanilli. I have never called as an adult-because now I have the CD. And let’s be clear here: if you are calling to win a prize, that is okay. It’s always good to try and win free stuff.

Anyway, it became very clear that this whole restaurant business was just a ploy for this mom to get on the radio. She was obviously a “radio caller” as I like to call them. Within minutes of being on the air, she started saying things to the Main DJ Man (MDM from now on) that would indicate they were friends. They were not. Asking him about his cat by name, sharing stories about her kids and relating them to stories about his daughter, asking him about his golf game. Creepy? Yes. Uncomfortable for everyone in the room? Yes. I’m just saying I saw the movie “The Fan” with Robert DeNiro and he was a regular radio caller and he ended up trying to kill Wesley Snipes.

This is probably a good place to stop. Radio Show: The Conclusion tomorrow...

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

Letters for April 15th, 2009

Dear drivers on I-71 this morning,

Thank God you slowed down to cause a mile-long traffic jam while passing by the small fender bender that had clearly happened a while earlier and was all the way off the side of the road posing no threat to anyone because otherwise we all would've just driven right by it without issue, and I would've gotten to work on time. And by on time I mean 45 minutes late because I slept in.

Dear Mel Gibson's wife,

What took you so long?

Dear Johnny Virgil,

I'm so sorry.

Dear "ER" finale,

What? That's it? That sucked. Also am I the only one who every time she sees Scott Grimes she can only think of "Critters"?

Dear co-workers,

You don't know it, but this isn't coffee in my travel coffee mug. It's chocolate milk. I am 7.

Dear Flo Rida,

I hate you for making it so all I hear in my head is your new song "Sugar". I also love you for it. I used to drive my friend Renee and my sister crazy singing the "Blue (Da Ba Dee)" song by Eiffel 65 and now you've taken the best part of that song and paired it with a whole bunch of awesome. "I'll wrap you out of them clothes you my treat, my treat." Indeed, sir. In-deed.

Dear pirates,

Seriously? Pirates? That's your chosen vocation? What year is it? Also I thought you guys were like hot and brilliant and quirky and, despite initial appearances, ultimately good and loyal men on the inside-you know, like Jack Sparrow. No?

Dear my Lost friends,

Um...I just watched two episodes last night, and I am still one behind. The last one I watched ended with Sayid shooting 12 year old Ben. Sidenote: HOLYFUCKINGSHIT. But for reals what is Sayid's problem? Why is he trying to defect from the group? Also, Jack is wicked hot in every decade. P.S. Sawyer just had a new baby girl in real life. I'm sure she is really ugly, and that he does not look totally hot fawning all over her.

Thursday, April 09, 2009

It's April-I'm still kinda mad, though

You guys, I didn't talk about the NCAA tourney the entire time it was happening because my one bracket was a virtual lock for victory, and I didn't want to jinx it. Only one scenario could have sunk me, but it was so unlikely it barely registered as a threat. I'm sure you can guess what happened. WHY DO YOU HATE ME, NCAA GODS!? I present to you my 2009 NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament poem:

"Et tu, UConn? Sorry I mean-et tu, UCannotdoanything right?" by Okay Seriously

Once again I'm at a loss for words.
UConn, you are a bunch of turds.
Victory was nearly in my grasp
Till you guys played like total ass.

How could you go and hurt me this way?
Are you trying to make me pay?
Just cuz I don't know what city you're in?
Or your names, stats or number of students within?

Well nail me to the cross, you bunch of fairies.
Feel like I got kicked in the twig 'n' berries.
If I had them, you know what I'm sayin'?
Don't think you do based on how you were playin'.

Same old song, different year it seems.
Screwed by The Man, raped by my teams.
Dammit, March Madness, you make me so ill.
Yet I love you so much, I always will.

Wait-I win for second place?
That brings a smile to my face.
Thirty percent of the pot is mine.
I'm going to the bar so, um, nevermind.

Yeah I totally won $70 for second place. For that reason, I thought it would be hard to write a poem and sound genuinely bitter. Guess what-it was not. Number 1. I must be number 1 next year and win it all. There is no other option-I mean besides writing exceptionally bad poetry.

P.S. Last year's poem is here.

Friday, April 03, 2009

Important Updates

1. I passed my test from our training class last week with a pretty high score. Nerd alert!

2. "Fast and Furious" looks really different than "The Fast and the Furious".

3. Tomorrow we're not doing anything too exciting, you know, except GOING TO SEE THE NEW KIDS!!! That's right, guys. It's 6 months later and it's go time again. I still haven't fully recovered from the last concert, but I feel I am up to the challenge. Renee had to give up her ticket last time due to some family emergency stuff, and that just sucks. So we told her we'd go with her-pretty much to whichever city she chose. Then they announced they were coming to Columbus. It's like they knew we needed them. I'm sure it won't be as exciting as last time. And by that I mean I am ready to pee my pants from the excitement. Be prepared for another recap post with way too many exclamation points considering my age.

In keeping with that theme, check out this awesome pic of my sister:

Peace, you guys! Also I need to post this picture because my sister's shorts are amazing:

Who wants to bet they are made out of some sort of polyester blend? P.S. My shirt rules.