Monday, November 30, 2009

Quick Thanksgiving rundown

I love to eat.

I totally suck at Boggle. Seriously I haven't played in 20 years, and my vocabulary has not improved at all since then.

The most drama we experienced all day is when Henry, our dog, tried to eat the plastic turkey popper timer thingie. There was an all out panic and my grandma and I literally shoved our hands inside his mouth. What ended up working was me prying his mouth open and then tipping him over upside so it would fall out. It reminded me of what you would do in a cartoon situation. And it was awesome.

I accidentally came out as a lesbian to my family.

My grandma tried to give us this:

No, Grandma.

On my father's side of the family, noodles are a really big deal. They are cooked for pretty much every meal-especially Thanksgiving. This is foreign to almost everyone except our family. While we all love this tradition, my Dad and I are obsessed. with. noodles. And we totally tried to start a full on Stuffing Versus Noodles war. Not surprisingly, we were not victorious. But our love of noodles does not wane. We may have lost the battle, but we won't stop fighting the war.

I didn't wear a jacket on Thanksgiving. Then I woke up Friday to this:

We went shopping. While at Dick's, I walked by a display and knocked over a gigantic 12 foot poster of a lady skiing. It was loud and right by the checkout where everyone was standing. I tried to put it back up, but then a nice worker lady came over and did it for me. Then she said, "Don't worry about it. She's a bad skier." Thanks, nice lady.

We saw "The Blind Side". I literally had to hold back tears every 5-7 minutes. Normally that would be an exaggeration. I am not exaggerating. At all. It was lovely. The guy who played Michael Oher was freaking amazing. Plus I heart Sandra Bullock. It's too bad she's so ugly.

When I was a senior in high school, I used to babysit for 3 kids across the street from me. A boy who was 8 and his two little sisters who were 4 and 2. While at the mall Friday, I saw the boy working at a store. He's like 7 feet tall, and I saw him kiss his girlfriend. After some quick math, I figured out he is about 22. Which means he's almost done with college. Which means I'M AN OLD F*CK. Uh oh...he's 5 years older than Taylor Lautner. Ew. I feel dirty. Wait just saw the picture again. Aaaand back to lusting over a 17 year old.

How was everyone's holiday? Did you see any kids you used to babysit for that made you feel old which then threw you into panic about your life and where it's going and how fast it's going there?

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

It's...pretty obvious I haven't really slept in a few days

- How was everyone's New Moon Day? I've decided the opening day of all Twilight movies should probably be their own holiday. Obviously 14 of us girls (all over 30) went Friday-the day it opened. We bought our tickets like 3 weeks in advance (sad), went right at 5:30 which means most of us left work early-if we went to work at all which Renee and I didn't (sad) and then most of us got there 45 minutes early and stood in a line until they would let us in the theater (sad).

Kim and I were the first ones through the ticket taker so we made our way to the theater to save seats. 11 and 12 year olds went rushing by us in a blur. They were already squealing. It really was so cute. I remember when I used to be THAT excited about things: Kirk Cameron, Michael J. Fox, NKOTB, Twilight. Okay fine I still get THAT excited. Whatever shut up.

We picked a good time to go because it was too early for most high school kids. Since I am a crabby old lady, I hate going to movies with high school kids because they are obnoxious. This crabbiness also tends to result in me making sweeping, unfair generalizations. But seriously. Shush it, high school kids. We're trying to listen and some of us are hard of hearing because we were blasting Def Leppard on the way here. Damn kids and their sexting.

Our theater was mostly junior high aged girls who took pictures of the movie screen whenever Edward or Jacob was in a close up (seriously), other women our age (holla!) and one group of 3 high school boys with a mom who sat in the back. Awesome. Be proud of your Twilight love, boys.

I loved the movie. It's not for everyone, of course, but I loved it. I am not going to get into any discussion about its sexist nature and the negative message it may or may not be sending to our young females because blabity blah blah. It's an effing vampire/werewolf movie. Young girls already have a weird idea of what love is because, well, they are kids and they are girls. Fact: In junior high and high school you will experience infatuation with another person. And it will own you and make you dumb and then crush you and you will think you are going to die (I am looking at you, DL). When you're that age, it's the absolute most important thing that will ever happen to you ever. Then you grow up, realize there are more important things, and you can appreciate the books and the movies on a different level-for entertainment value. And for ogling.

Let's just get this out of the way: Taylor Lautner is beautiful. He's a beautiful, gorgeous man-boy. I spent literally the entire movie lusting after him and trying not to feel guilty about it. I have questions. How is that kid only 17? Why does he make me think dirty things about him when I know he has only been driving for 1 year? When does he turn 18? Why am I so creepy? The first scene in the movie where he takes his shirt off is so ridiculous and contrived, and instead of laughing-the appropriate response-I was like, "Take me to jail." Please more. More of him.

Oh also-and this is really just secondary-I thought his acting was superb. I was a little worried, but he did a great job. So did his abs. Okay we need to switch topics before I accidently break a law or something.

-Please watch The Muppets singing "Bohemian Rhapsody" immediately. You will not be sorry.

- I hate myself for liking Chris Brown's new song. I haven't purchased it and have no plans to. But it's really good. And I am having many conflicting thoughts. Man this post is full of angst. Just like high school (dammit, DL).

- Now that Oprah is retiring, I really feel like it's time I got my own talk show. Basically it would be me sitting on a couch offering everyone Salt & Vinegar Pringles while we gossip about how Josh Duhamel TOTALLY cheated on Fergie (right?) and then I interview Shia LaBeouf about why he's only been in 3 movies this year and we end the show by singing the theme song to "Growing Pains" (I sing the boy part, you sing the girl part). What the hell just happened here. I just completely lost it, right? I wrote that sentence without even thinking, and now I'm scared.

Hold me.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

A stitch in time saves nine is not a good saying

Really quick apology: I'm sorry to Anita and Becky for showing up at your respective baby showers with the creeping crud and breathing all over everything. I swear I was bathing in hand sanitizer so as not to pass on my germs. And Becky, sorry I was so sick that I showed up with wet hair to yours. I literally only had enough energy to run my favorite pick through it (from Fantastic Sam's) and put on eyeliner. Truly it was a miracle I showered at all in my condition. You have a big beautiful belly with those 2 babies in there. I want to hug it and sing show tunes to it, but I will refrain. As long as other people are around.

So growing up, our maternal grandmother was always getting Diane and I to try different types of crafts. We would make Christmas ornaments for our parents and things like that. When I was about 11 or 12, she bought each of us a little starter kit to learn cross-stitching.

Diane made this for me when I graduated high school:

She hates it and thinks it's lame. But I love it and think it's sweet. Plus it looks a lot like me.

This is what I made:

I call it "Minus Sign". Also you should know, that is from the starter kit my grandma gave me. That's literally as far as I got. I spent, like, 36 minutes stitching this 21 years ago, and that was it. I know what you're thinking: My commitment is unparalleled, and my grandmother is probably really proud. Look the way I see it, this is the only piece I ever did. That makes it more rare. More rare means more valuable. Amiright??

Yeah I'm probably gonna throw it away after I press "Publish". Just kidding. No way am I throwing this away. Now I don't have to buy my parents a Christmas present.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


Well, guys, I know you will be surprised to hear this, but I'm sick. I know, I know. I am usually the pillar of health. But it's true. I have bronchitis. And it effing sucks.

Naturally my parents are convinced I have swine flu. I mean I will keep an eye out for it, but everyone knows I am like the last person to grab on to the latest fad. If I got swine flu now that would make me terribly in vogue, and let's be honest, that's just not me. It's more likely that I have SARS.

Speaking of SARS, when I went to Urgicare tonight, they made me put on a surgical mask since I was coughing. I have never worn a surgical mask before. They are extremely funny and extremely uncomfortable. As soon as I put it on, I was making SARS jokes in my head. Because as we just discussed, I am like 6 years behind. I quickly admonished myself for being so lame so instead, I started reenacting scenes from "Grey's Anatomy" in my head*. And sort of outside of my head.

When I left the office, I noticed there were a lot of people in the waiting room. So I left the mask on as I walked out to freak them out. I definitely saw some looks of horror. I am a bad person. That's probably why I've been stricken with bronchitis swine SARS.

While I've been home battling sickness, my sister has been in L.A. for work. Monday night, she and her coworkers happened upon the premier for "Old Dogs" which, by the way, looks terrible. Well, they ended up standing in the crowd watching the red carpet. They saw Jon Voigt, Seth Green, Breckin Meyer, Uncle Jessie's wife Becky from "Full House", Kelly Preston, John Travolta, Robin Williams, Tom Hanks and Rita Wilson. She said that Kelly Preston and Becky from "Full House" were otherworldly beautiful. Skinny and gorgeous and just ridiculous.

So after Diane saw some like actual major mega movie stars, she saw a commotion and ran over to see what it was about. And she ended up about 1 foot away from...are you ready?

Joey Lawrence!

Yes. The man. The legend. And here is one reason why I love my sister. Her reaction to all the major mega movie stars? Excitement. Some "Wow this is so cool" type statements. Her reaction to Joey Lawrence? "I LOVE YOU, JOEY LAWRENCE!!!!!" She completely lost her mind. And screamed that at him. From a foot away. He looked up and smiled at her. So now I'm pretty sure her life is complete. And I'm pretty sure mine has a hole in it that can only be filled by a look from Joey Lawrence.

I just want to say that 5 years ago I was in New York City for work, and my hotel was next to the premier of "Troy". So I went outside to see some Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston and get them to be best friends with me (seriously I bet I could've saved their marriage), but I was too late so all I saw was a lousy Olsen twin.

By the way, when I told my friend at work that my sister saw Joey Lawrence at a movie premier, he thought I meant that he was in the crowd with her watching the red carpet. Now that's effing funny.

* freaking awesome have the past few episodes of Grey's been? So awesome!

Friday, November 06, 2009

Halloween happenings

The week before Halloween was Suz and AJ's annual Halloween party. Every year they have a Halloween movie trivia quiz, and they give out prizes and everything. The past two years, I have won this trivia game. It has brought me much fame and glory and also angered all my friends to the point that when I won the Christmas movie trivia quiz at Brian and Anita's Christmas party last year, I was booed. So I had a lot to live up to this year. Luckily, I. Am. Awesome. That's right-3 years in a row!! As predicted, I was booed again. But I know it's all in good fun plus everyone can pretty much bite me. I also won second place in the best costume contest so I was given a bottle of Riesling that was in the shape of a black cat (this will be important coming up).

I was insanely sick the entire week after we got back from Vegas so I was entirely unprepared for the party. Three days before, it dawned on me that I did not have a costume. As usual when costume anxiety sets in, I began looking through every drawer and cabinet in my house praying for an idea to strike. What I found was one of those plastic hair bonnets that old ladies wear when it rains. My dad had given it to me a couple months ago. Obviously. Why wouldn't he.

Using the rain bonnet as inspiration, I went to the party dressed up as me. At age 90. Ugly blouse that had a clip on pearl necklace attached to it, ugly skirt, knee highs showing, slip-on tennis shoes, reading glasses on a chain, clip-on earrings, hair in a bun, plastic rain bonnet and ginormous bra on the outside of my shirt. Because I mean I figure I'll be one of those old ladies-you know so senile I wear my bra on the outside? The best part is that I bought the bra at the Salvation Army. Did you know they sell bras there? Just one word on that: ew. But yeah I got a huge old lady bra for like $2. I felt pretty cool purchasing it in front of people who probably later went home and told their families to be thankful for what they have and to not take for granted that they don't need to purchase used undergarments. Sadly I did not have to purchase the knee highs or slip-on tennis shoes. Those were mine, you guys. Parts of my 90 year old lady costume were things I owned. Sigh.

Notable quotes:

Me as I walked into the party: "I can't stay. I have a date."

All my guy friends: "I feel gross because I can't stop staring at your bra."

Suz: "You're keeping that outfit, right?"
Me: "Well I plan on having teenagers someday who need dropped off and picked up places. So yes."

My mom: "Cute. But weird."

My dad: "I'm so proud."

Note: My parents weren't at the party. My sister and I sent a picture to their cell phones. Hopefully they were with friends and had to show them the picture and then wordlessly shrug as their friends said things like, "Your daughter's 32, right? No boyfriend? Wow. That's shocking."

On actual Halloween night a big group of us went to Diane and Drew's to hand out candy and eat chili. It was really fun. Especially when Meg laid down in the front yard to demonstrate her P90X moves. She was rolling around covered in leaves then convinced Matt to lay down and do the moves with her. I'm pretty sure this made us the most terrifying house on the block. At one point Lisa had to say to some clearly nervous children, "We're not scary. We're just loud. I promise." After Diane's we went to Renee and Darren's to hang out, make fun of the candy they bought to hand out and play musical Catch Phrase. During several rounds of this game I came dangerously close to peeing my pants from laughing so hard. Matt was completely freaked out by my black cat bottle of Riesling so naturally I held it up to him and made it talk. He goes, "Get your black pussy out of my face." And then I laughed so hard I choked on my own saliva.

Good luck getting this image out of your head the rest of the day.

Monday, November 02, 2009

Update on my first couple weeks with King Nano

Number of songs: 1,771

Space free: 7.17 GB (God I love you King Nano)

#1 most played song so far: "Photograph" - Def Leppard (obviously)

#2 most played song: "Defying Gravity" - Original Cast Recording of "Wicked" (I am part gay man)

#3 most played song: "Fader" - The Temper Trap (everyone listen to The Temper Trap immediately)

Time I spent loading George Michael/Wham! songs onto it tonight: 1 hour

# of times I've listened to "Everything She Wants" by Wham! since I downloaded it: approximately 17

How awesome is that song on a scale of 1-10, 10 being most awesome: approximately 17

How much do I want to add an exclamation point to my name so I'm known as Sarah!: a really lot

# of Shia LaBeouf movies I watched today: 1 (Transformers 2)

# of times I changed the batteries in my smoke alarms and after testing them couldn't figure out how to get them to stop beeping: 4

# of Halloween decorations I own that I realized today contain a misspelling: 1 (Autumn Greetngs)

How much do I want to see the new Sandra Bullock movie, "The Blind Side": so effing much

How often do I cry when the preview for that movie is on: every time

When did I buy a ticket for "New Moon": last week

How old am I again: 32

When did this King Nano list go off the rails: Right around Wham!