Friday, January 28, 2011

My computer is trying to kill me

Dear computer,
Can you please stop being the most annoying POS on Earth?  The slowness, the random attacks where suddenly everything is "Not Responding" at once.  I will punch you. Something is up your butt the past week or so, and I'm gonna need you to calmly and quietly remove it.  I mean you don't really have a "butt" per se, but if you did, I guess it would be...the DVD drive?  Is it weird that I'm suggesting computers have body parts and that I am spending time looking for the ass?  Yes it is, but in my defense I live alone and am most likely insane.  I will write my manifesto as soon as you GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER, COMPUTER!  

So I literally cannot believe it's been 25 years since the Challenger exploded.  How is that possible?  Raise your hand if you were, like me, a little kid watching it on TV at school.  I remember I really didn't know what was going on since I'd never seen a space shuttle launch before.  I didn't know anything was wrong until it was very clear all the teachers were really upset.  Here's Ronald Reagan's speech addressing it on TV that night. 

How about some pictures?

Here's a picture of a weird turkey duck hybrid type of animal.  Seriously this thing is weird, and when we were in Florida it kept walking up to our table while we were eating.  I would guess it's a type of duck, but what's up with your face, duck!?  Also I don't like to be bothered by mascots when I'm eating.  And that's pretty much what you are.

Look I'm a giant!

When I was in junior high, I had these shorts.  I got them at a store called Wearhouse of Fashion.  Any West side Clevelandars out there know this store?  You could get like 3 grocery bags worth of clothes for $20 or something ridiculous.  I'm not joking.  You brought your own bags.  And it was just a huge warehouse.  My mom, sister and I and my friend Kim and her mom used to go once every couple months and spend hours there.  It was awesome.  The clothes were not.  But I loved them anyway.  Especially these shorts.  I had two pairs, each with patterns.  I wore a lot of matching pocket tees with them. 

Behold these beauties:

Some comments:

1. Right?  I wore these.  In public.  A lot.
2.  I guarantee that purple shirt is tucked in in the front but not the back.
3.  Pink slouch socks.
4.  Keds.
5.  Not pictured:  My oversized barette, my rolled up t-shirt sleeves, my tail, my pride.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Thought I should tell you about my last weekend since it's now next weekend

Friday we went to happy hour.  Our new friend Claire was there.  Matt and Woody met Claire at a bar, and she is so lovely they invited her out to meet everyone.  She is awesome.  Since she was new, we completely behaved ourselves.  And by that I mean we told her embarassing drunk stories and Steph brought up...okay I can't write it.  I thought I would just link to a definition of it, but I don't feel comfortable even typing it into Google.  Seriously I'm like a prude 7th grader at this point.  So yeah suffice it to say, it's a sexual act that, as a group, we decided was pretty lame.  It involves a man and a woman...and boobs.  Okay I can't say anything else.  I feel my face getting hot and blushy.  Let me just be clear and say that this is not something we have ever talked about, yet, Steph brought it up three times in 2 weeks.  Once on New Year's Eve, once a week later and then again in front of our new friend Claire who I'm quite certain thinks we are drunken deviants.

Despite that, however, she showed up on Saturday for game night.  She must be a glutton for punishment.  Also she sat by me, and I would not let her take a break from telling me her life story.  I can be very pushy when I have decided I want to be friends with someone.  I will get in your face until you like me dammit.  Also can I just say Pictionary rules.  If you haven't played lately, I suggest you do.  Watching your friends figure out how to draw things is the best thing ever.  For example, Sharda had to draw "ice chest", and she drew ice (I don't remember how) and then drew huuuuge boobs.  It was X-rated and brilliant because we guessed it.  I had to draw "New Jersey", and I drew the United States and circled approximately where I thought New Jersey might be.  It's on the right, right?  By the way, my picture of the US excluded Florida.  Like I just forgot it was there.  Then I drew this:

'What the hell is that?' you're asking.  If you're Matt, you yell out "New Jersey!" because you have immediately figured out that that is Snookie.  Greatest drawing ever?  Maybe.  You can see my Pictionary drawing skills match my MS Paint skills.

Sunday was poker night at my friend Mike's house where I met an awesome hairdresser who told me I had pretty hair then I got wasted and called a bunch of my coworkers-including several managers-pussies.  I'm expecting a pink slip soon.*

Monday was book club which involved lots of wine, girl talk, TV talk and hot guy talk. Oh and book talk.  That's never the focus of our book club, though.  I mean let's get serious.  This book was about the Holocaust so it was a real laugh riot. 

Since I've been a bad blogger-I think maybe I have writer's block, no joke-here is a bonus picture of me as a kid executing the greatest cartwheel ever:

Just look at that form.  I mean one of my feet is even off the ground a little bit.  Prodigy!  P.S. My sister was wearing the same leotard in pink.  Also we had matching legwarmers. 

*Just kidding, Mom and Dad.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Maybe I don't need you to post every single thought as you have it

It actually feels like three people are simultaneously smashing my head in with sledgehammers right now so I pre-apologize for my brevity.  And also ugh, you guys.  This Arizona shooting is just...ugh.  It's so depressing.  I needed a break from reality.  So I just spent an hour reading Your Status is Annoying.  I am totally obsessed with this site, and I found out it's run by a Clevelander which makes me very proud.  It compiles real life annoying Facebook statuses.  Come on-we all have friends on Facebook whose statuses are literally the worst.  Well thanks to this site, you have a chance to take anonymous revenge by sending the offender's worst statuses to be posted and mocked for the entire world to see.  Awesome.  I wish I had thought of it.  A warning: There's a good chance you'll be truly saddened by the butchering of the English language by some of our society's younger members.  We're doomed.  That is essentially what I'm trying to say.  Our future is going to hell in a handbasket.  However, that may not matter since...

...the world is for sure ending, right? Birds falling from the sky, thousands of fish suddenly dying, floods in Australia, ice storms in the south. I mean this is it. Time to complete those bucket lists, gang.  The end is

P.S.  Are Sandra Bullock and Ryan Reynolds dating?  Is this really happening?  I should be more outraged on behalf of Scarlett since they literally just announced their divorce-you know female solidarity and all-but I can't help it.  I am super excited.  Sandy and Ryan might be the cutest pairing ever.  I mean besides me and Ryan.

Monday, January 03, 2011

Welcome to the other side

I have strategically placed this picture first to make sure none of you can be mad at me for not posting all week.  You can't be mad!  Cute baby wrapped up under the tree!

So I took a vacation from, well, everything.  I had a week off of work, and it was glorious.  I fell into an abyss of sleeping in, getting stuff done on my house and Netflix streaming.  You guys, seriously.  Netflix streaming.  Why have I just discovered this?  First I find they are streaming Veronica Mars, and now I see that they are streaming all seasons of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  Hello!  Go relive the magic.  (I'm assuming we all watched both of these when they were on since they were AWESOME.)

I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday.  Mine was fantastic as usual.  On Christmas Eve we ate chop suey-a traditional Christmas Eve dinner...for the cast of "A Christmas Story".  Then my sister, Drew and I got into our matching shirts and went to bed.  You wish I was kidding, don't you.  I'm not.  We have matching shirts from our Reindeer Run race last year.  We wear them on Christmas.  We are losers.  If I ever get a boyfriend, we're going to have to get new shirts.  I totally set it up like I was going to say, "If I ever get a boyfriend, we'll have to stop with the matching shirts", but I went the opposite direction.  I'm sure handing him a shirt that the three of us are already wearing won't scare him away.

Having Trevor with us this year was absolutely amazing.  He obviously had no idea what was going on and he slept most of the day, but just having him there elevated the day.  I mean he had a Santa hat on.  A baby sized Santa hat!  Also he smiles now-real smiles and not just because he has gas.  It's the best thing ever.  I say that a lot of things are the best thing ever, but this is actually the best thing ever. 

As you all know, New Year's in my nemesis.  I've laid out the reasons why in the past.  But this year, we decided not to stress about our plans, to treat it like any other night out with friends.  And it worked.  It was actually...*gulp*  Some highlights:

-   Steph didn't  make us eat the ass bread.  Well, not exactly anyway.  She brought actual soft pretzels instead of pure ass in a pretzel shape so it tasted good.  Matt talked her into it.  Thank you, Matt.  Seriously...thank you. 

- Not really a highlight, more just a fact:  Due to something called "the stomach flu", Diane and Drew weren't able to come out.  But silver lining:  New Year's Redo, anyone? 

- Again not a highlight per se, but poor Steph had an asthma attack, and Matt had to go get her inhaler.  While she was on the sidewalk hacking and almost dying from lack of oxygen, strangers walked by and told her she should quit smoking.  Helpful.

- Meg cried at midnight because she "felt so blessed to have such awesome people in her life".  I also think it's because she "was so drunk." 

- I kissed hot dudes.  Okay they were the guys we came with but whatever.  I'm counting it. 

- This is how Steph ordered a drink for me at one point:  "If you were a freshman in college and wanted to get a girl drunk who doesn't drink, what would you make?  Make that."  The bartender nodded and then made me some fruity drink that tasted like it came straight from heaven. I had 2 more of those puppies.

So now it's 2011.  Only one more year till the world ends.  According to John Cusack anyway.  Steph says a new year is a chance for a clean slate, for renewal and reinvention.  I'm thinking I should reinvent myself as Ryan Reynolds new wife.  Also I should learn to ice skate since it was on my "Things to do before I'm 30" list, and if I don't learn it soon I'm running a real risk of breaking a hip if I fall.  Other goals include:  learning to juggle, watching an Oscar nominated movie without falling asleep, blogging more frequently, making my fat roll talk to people at parties less frequently and buying more tennis shoes with laces that require I bend over to put them on.  No I'm joking about that last one.  Obviously.

What are your goals for the last year on Earth (thanks Mayans!)?