Thursday, December 24, 2009

We need a director. You need involvement.

This is an email I just sent to my team:

To: OKS' team
From: OKS
Subject: Today's quitting time

Hi, team! Workin' hard or hardly workin'? <-- That is exactly how my dad would start this email.

Anyway, [Team Lead] confirmed that we are free to leave at 1:30 today so please log off or take off at that time. Just a reminder-I will be out of the office all next week. I'll have my Blackberry so you can reach me in an emergency.

Everyone please have fun, safe and happy holidays! See you next year! <-- That is exactly how my mom would end this email.

This is also exactly why I will never move up the corporate ladder.

I am currently working at home because two lights on my dashboard came on last night. My car's a Christmas miracle!'s a piece of shit! Sorry-got my sayings mixed up there.

Anyway, the good part about my car being horrible is that I am now working from home. Which means I am watching "Charlie Brown Christmas" while I work. And also blogging. Is there no end to how valuable I am to this company?

I just wanted to hop on here and make sure I bitch about my car. Oh no-I mean I wanted to make sure I wish you all a Merry Christmas. For real I hope it's your best one yet, and that you take some time to be thankful for the things you have. Like a working car. Am I putting enough negative energy out there on Christmas Eve yet? Seriously thanks to all of you who read this. You complete me.

One more thing...on Saturday the Okay Seriously family is going to Florida for a week. Please take a moment to eat it, bitches (Merry Christmas!). I don't know if I'll be able to post while there, but I'll definitely be Twittering. If you have done the math, that means I will be in Florida over New Year's. I will miss my friends greatly, but the thought of not having to make New Year's plans is making me giddy. New Year's sucks.

My car = suck
Working from home = rule
Christmas = rule
New Year's = suck
Florida = rule
You guys = rule

Rule wins!

Merry, merry Christmas, everybody! Be safe, be grateful, be overeating, be pantsless (indoors only), be drunk and most of all be happy! For those of you that don't celebrate Christmas, be all of those things, too, and Merry December 25th!

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Never gonna give you up

- I am obsessed with "The Sing Off". I swear if Nota doesn't win, I will freak the eff out. They are just heads and shoulders above the rest talent-wise. Also I love me the cutie lead singer. Is he adorable or what. Also I fast forward every time the girl from the Pussycat Dolls speaks. Nothing she says is useful or helpful or doesn't make my brain bleed.

- Am I supposed to know who Ke$ha is? She's in my face on iTunes, but I don't understand her or her $.

- I wrapped my friend Woody's Christmas presents for him tonight. I did it for him last year, too. He hates wrapping. What is that about? Sidenote wtf: he has no scissors. At all. Anyway, in return, this is what he gave me:

I am fine with this trade. When he called me to come over he said, "I have the Rolling Stone with the vampire on the front for you." And I said, "He's a werewolf." And he was like, "Yeah I don't care. At all. Make him stop looking at me."

- This is so not going to mean anything to anyone, but I am going to tell you anyway because it is a personal high for me. My friend John is hilarious. Over the past, like, 2 years, he has Rickrolled me dozens of times. Sometimes in video, mostly over the phone when he's in his car. He'll call me, I'll answer, he'll say he has something to tell me and BAM! Rickrolled. I fall for it every time. Mostly because he calls me lots of times in between for real stuff. He lures me into a false sense of safety and friendship all the while biding his time until it's time to strike. It is annoying. And brilliant. I have never, ever Rickrolled him. Ever. I just don't possess the talent necessary to trick him into it like that. I'm way too obvious, and John knows me far too well and can always sniff out stuff like that. Like I said-annoying.

For John and his wife's birthday last month, I made them a ton of CDs. Six of them were mixes. These mixes presented me with my opportunity-really my only opportunity ever. I lovingly put together these mixes and at the end of some of them, I put bonus tracks. Like I literally marked it BONUS TRACK as a little surprise for him. They were fun songs I knew he wouldn't have. For example, "Let's Go To the Mall" by Robin Sparkles (what's up, HIMYM fans!). Awesome. I knew John would listen to the CDs in order so I put a bunch of awesome bonus tracks on some of the first 5 mixes. The bonus track on cd 6? Rick Astley. My hope was that he would expect another fun cool song like the others and not see it coming.

I did not feel confident with this plan at all. I figured I had a 30% chance of it going right. But I decided that I had given it my best shot, and there was nothing else I could do. It's been a month, and he never said anything about it so I assumed my plan had failed.

Until I received a call last night on my way home from work.

John: "I'm on CD 6, and it's awesome. I was so excited for the bonus track. Like literally I was giddy with excitement. It started, and I was like, "What is this? Is this Tarzan Boy? AH GODDAMMIT!!" I just want to say I love you and hate you for this."

You guys, for real? Best. Rickroll. Ever. He walked right into my trap exactly how I had planned it! God he was so mad. Our unedited text conversation that followed:

John, 6:22pm: for 1.5 seconds i was like tarzan boy weird bonus song but awesome. then blammo worst rickroll ever.

Sarah, 6:23pm: Im keeping this text 4ever

John, 6:27pm: this must be how lincoln felt after years of effing with john wilkes booth when booth finally got him back

Sarah, 6:34pm: Its exactly the same as that

Sarah, 7:20pm: I am still glowing over my genius

John, 7:47pm: retaliation will need to be aged like a fine wine

Sarah, 7:48pm: Its like the slap bet-i dont know when its coming

John, 7:52pm: i am going to have a clock counting down. you will know the exact date and time. i will still get you

Sarah, 8:15pm: Until that day i will revel in the glory of THIS day

And I am totally still reveling. I am aware that in all likelihood this will be the one and only time I will ever get him. If that is true, I will not be disappointed. This is enough to get me through...forever pretty much. As he said himself, "This is one for the ages." Indeed it is. Today I'm Queen of the Rickroll.

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I'm #1! (and #2)

Please add "plumber" to the list of roles I fill in this world. This is in addition to mediocre writer, professional couch potato, perpetually injured/sick clumsy moron, winner of all movie trivia games given at any party thrown by my friends, borderline alcoholic and Minesweeper expert.

Last week, my toilet stopped flushing. Because the handle broke.

See that white stick laying on the bottom of the tank? That's supposed to be attached to the white plastic thingie up on the side of the tank. Sorry if this is hard to understand-I am using professional plumber language.

Well, I needed a new toilet handle. So like plumbers do, I went to Lowe's. I picked up a handle that looked like it would work, and then had this conversation with an employee who was walking by:

Me: Excuse me-will this toilet handle work on any toilet?

Lowe's guy: Let me take a look. No. See this says it's for American Standard toilets.

Me: silently blink at LG (Lowe's Guy)
Me: Is that a brand of toilet or something?

LG: Yes. American Standard.

Me: Ohhhh! I thought that meant like it's an American standard. Like I have a standard toilet, made in America.

LG: stares at me for a second.
LG: bursts into laughter.
LG: No. American Standard is a brand of toilet. We have universal fit handles over there. Just make sure it says "Universal fit".

Okay so mental note for my new career as a plumber: Learn the different brands of toilets.

Despite my first misstep, please take a look at my handiwork:

Isn't it beautiful? So what if took me 3 times longer than the Internet told me it would take? And so what if I accidentally flushed my toilet 12 times while attempting to fix it? And so what if sometimes the handle sticks almost straight up instead of going to the side like in that picture? I fixed my own toilet kind of in a way. I am a grown up!!

God you have no idea how badly I want to draw an upper decker on those pictures.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Double 3

Well, gang, it happened. I turned 33 despite my best efforts to avoid it. I spent the days leading up to my birthday trying to forget the fast rate at which my eggs are dying. Thankfully my friends and family reminded me once again why I am the luckiest person alive.

Friday we went to Steph's for happy hour. She has recently decided to embrace Christmas, and she wanted to show us her decorations. And give us wine. It just so happens, I enjoy both of those things. Then she, Meg and I went to see New Moon again. Well, again for Meg and me. First time for Steph. She spent the entire time either lusting after Rob Pattinson or admonishing Meg and I for lusting after Taylor Lautner because it's "illegal". Whatever-Steph thinks she knows everything about the law since she went to law school. By the way, I was totally not sober for the movie. Awesome. How my being drunk made the movie different: my thoughts about Taylor Lautner were more inappropriate and, frankly, more surprising. Oh also I forgot that I threw a couple of Irish Cream Hershey's Kisses into my pocket before we left Steph's place so by the time the movie was over and I stuck my hand in my pocket, they were a nice melted pool of sticky goo. Whoops.

Saturday morning, Diane, Drew and I did a 5k. Doesn't that sound like an awesome birthday activity? No. It does not. I was totally tricked into running this thing because they gave us jingle bells for our tennis shoes. I mean, come on. Jingle bells! So Drew and Diane agreed to run it with me. As you know, I am the slowest and crabbiest runner in existence. But I had 2 goals for myself: 1. Run at least half the race. 2. Beat my normal 5k time. Oh wait-3. Not die.

I am happy to say I accomplished all three goals. And I did it without any whining. And by that I mean that literally every single thing my sister said to me, I told her to shut up. That was my only response. I essentially blamed her for how hard the running was. That is pretty reasonable. Fortunately, my sister knows me and knows I didn't really want her to shut up. And I mean let's be honest-even if I had actually wanted her to shut up, she wouldn't have. They teach you that when you become a little sister.

Immediately following the race, I retired from outdoor running in the winter. Because I'll tell you what. It was fucking cold. And it fucking hurt. Yeah. F-bombs. That's for real. Oh and a small sidenote about the race: there was a dude dressed in tiiiight running pants just standing on the corner watching everyone run. He was not running himself even though he was dressed like he was. Diane and I called him Package. If it's not clear why, let me just reiterate: his pants were very, very...very, very tight.

Saturday night, my friends absolutely refused to let my birthday go by without celebrating so they took me out. So many people came out, and I just want to say thank you so much to everyone. I am so lucky to have you in my life. I've said it before but seriously I have the best friends.

While at the bar, a bus load of Santas came in. I'm not joking. There were like 30 people dressed up as Santa, and they arrived on a bus-just like the real Santa. They were on a pub crawl. Also like the real Santa. One of them, while talking to Renee and I, found out Renee was pregnant. Then he asked me if I was. Mildly insulted, I said no. Then he said, "Do you want to be? RIGHT!? I'm Santa-I give presents!" then he high-fived me and said something about bare-backing. I was scared. Oh also all the Santas gave us candy canes which I thoroughly enjoyed. If there is one thing I love, it's taking candy from strangers who threatened to get me pregnant 5 minutes prior.

Sunday my family came over and took me out to PF Chang's where I ate my weight in honey chicken and fried rice. Then they showered me with too many presents. On Monday I came in to work and John had decorated my cube with Christmas lights and garland. See how it is hard to be depressed about aging when the people in my life are doing things like that?

Please look at this:

Is this not amazing!? Be cuter.

Fact: I LOVE Grover. Fact: He is the best character on Sesame Street. Fact: Saturday Diane, Drew and I went into a toy store, and I saw this and freaked out but didn't have my wallet so couldn't buy it. Fact: Diane was so heartbroken by my sad face after realizing I didn't have my wallet that she went back and bought this for me. Fact: I am 32-excuse me-33 and I love Sesame Street, the Muppets and stuffed animals. Fact: I am single.

I will leave you with this picture of the balloon bracelet that a guy behind the counter of Chik-Fil-A at the mall made me on Monday:

Someone at Sephora asked me if it was a watch. For real.

Friday, December 04, 2009


Okay so my sister wants me to clarify that I'm not actually a lesbian. She thinks it sounded like I came out as a lesbian to the entire Internet and not just to my family. So, while I think being a lesbian would be a perfectly lovely lifestyle, I am not actually one. Especially not after this. (How many times can I post that link until you revolt?)

We were talking about Oregon during dinner. I don't know why. I've never even been there. Anyway my dad was talking about how great their health care system is there. And I commented that maybe I should move there given how sick I've been the past couple of months. Only before I could say my comment, my dad interjected a second observation about Oregon, but my brain was already sending the message to my mouth to form words out loud. So this is what happened:

Dad: Oregon has a great health care system.
Slight pause.
Dad: Also they were one of the first states to allow gay marriage.
Me: I should move there.
My sister bursts out laughing. Grandma looks confused.

I didn't bother to address it. I just giggled and ate more noodles. God I love noodles.

On Saturday I fell off a step ladder while putting up my Christmas lights. I won't tell you how close I came to breaking my neck and/or cracking my head open on my coffee table because my mom reads this, and I don't want to her to come over any time I have to use the step ladder. But suffice it to say, it was so close I almost threw up thinking about how close it was. Luckily all I did was hurt my wrist, scrape up my ankles, mess up my toe, hurt my left ass cheek and destroy my back. A half hour later I ran my arm into my bicycle handle. I'm moving into a bouncy house next week.

Some thoughts on current entertainment issues:

- Avatar is totally in my face. And I really don't get it. They have a hot guy starring in it, but they turn him into a weird looking blue thing for the whole movie. How am I supposed to lust over that? Boo.

- Tiger is at once disgusting and a huge mega dork. I really have never gotten this guy's appeal-beyond his wallet I guess. Which, in this sad day and age, is enough for a lot of women. I'm not kidding it makes me sad. Ugh. Also seriously he's a F*CKING DORK. And not the good adorable kind.

- Who watched Glee last night? "Jump" was amazing. I love you, Glee!

- My sister and Drew went to Star Wars: In Concert tonight. Drew was geeked out beyond belief. Hopefully they met a man for me.