Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I'm #1! (and #2)

Please add "plumber" to the list of roles I fill in this world. This is in addition to mediocre writer, professional couch potato, perpetually injured/sick clumsy moron, winner of all movie trivia games given at any party thrown by my friends, borderline alcoholic and Minesweeper expert.

Last week, my toilet stopped flushing. Because the handle broke.

See that white stick laying on the bottom of the tank? That's supposed to be attached to the white plastic thingie up on the side of the tank. Sorry if this is hard to understand-I am using professional plumber language.

Well, I needed a new toilet handle. So like plumbers do, I went to Lowe's. I picked up a handle that looked like it would work, and then had this conversation with an employee who was walking by:

Me: Excuse me-will this toilet handle work on any toilet?

Lowe's guy: Let me take a look. No. See this says it's for American Standard toilets.

Me: silently blink at LG (Lowe's Guy)
Me: Is that a brand of toilet or something?

LG: Yes. American Standard.

Me: Ohhhh! I thought that meant like it's an American standard. Like I have a standard toilet, made in America.

LG: stares at me for a second.
LG: bursts into laughter.
LG: No. American Standard is a brand of toilet. We have universal fit handles over there. Just make sure it says "Universal fit".

Okay so mental note for my new career as a plumber: Learn the different brands of toilets.

Despite my first misstep, please take a look at my handiwork:

Isn't it beautiful? So what if took me 3 times longer than the Internet told me it would take? And so what if I accidentally flushed my toilet 12 times while attempting to fix it? And so what if sometimes the handle sticks almost straight up instead of going to the side like in that picture? I fixed my own toilet kind of in a way. I am a grown up!!

God you have no idea how badly I want to draw an upper decker on those pictures.


shine said...

Ugh, I had to do this at work a few months ago. To make matters worse? My boss patted me on the ass while I was doing it. True story.

So I'm handy AND sexually harassed.

Anonymous said...


I am an avid readed of your blog - and I totally love you *literally*. But being a devoted fan I have noticed that you have been in the vacinity of 2 toilets that mysteriously broke... What are you doing to these toilets?


Fizzgig said...

doing things on your own is awesome! Its to be commended!

I screwed in a gate in my kitchen to contain my pissy dog whilst im away. all with a hammer and screwdriver and it really works.

Sarah said...

Shine, uhhhhh...say wha??? That is disgusting!

"Anonymous", did you just call me fat? IiiU so hard!

Fizzgig, thanks! I felt accomplished. Nice work on the doggy gate.