Thursday, October 22, 2009

Picture Pages!

I wanted to show you a picture of my new boyfriend. While taking his picture, I found some other pictures I would like to show you. They are, in a word, life changing. Okay in a words.

First my new boyfriend:

This is King Nano.

I know what you are thinking. What happened to my old boyfriend Lance Cpl Harold W. Dawson? Look it's nothing he did. It's just that he couldn't really give me everything I needed. I shouldn't talk bad about him. There is still a lot of love there. But he is moving on to Drew's sister, and I am moving on to King Nano who is 16Gb has video, FM radio and Cover Flow. Sigh...I love him.

Here is a picture of the pocket watch Steph bought for Europe:

See? It's a for real pocket watch.

Check out my train whistle:

Phallic much? The way it works is you just blow into that round tip and then it erupts with sound. Ahahahaha. Sorry, Dad.

A bar near us does these crab races on Wednesdays. If you want in, you pay a couple bucks and pick a number. Each crab in the race is numbered so the number you pick corresponds to that crab. Everyone stands around a big round table, and they dump the crabs in the middle. First crab to reach th edge of the table wins. It. Is. Awesome.

This is the starting point of the race. All the crabs are in the middle and will begin walking outward any minute. First one to cross that white line you see around the edge of the table is the winner.

We got to name our crabs. I named mine Herpes. In the picture below you can see just how competitive Herpes was:

Nice job, Herpes. I actually turned to Diane at this point and said, "I'm pretty sure my crab is dead." Other crabs were literally crawling on top of him and using him for leverage, and he wasn't even moving. Turns out he wasn't dead. Just slow. Like me. But not like herpes.

Lastly, here is a picture either Diane or Sharda took while hanging out the window of my car while we were driving on the highway on our way back from Miami University last year:

What is that, you ask? That, my friends, is a monstrosity. It's called the King of Kings statue, and it sits outside of Solid Rock Church in Monroe, Ohio. It's 62 feet high and cost a quarter of a million dollars to build. A quarter of a million dollars. And it's not even a water fountain. I'm sure there aren't any needy families or children in the area who could've used the church's donation of $250,000. THIS IS DISGUSTING, SOLID ROCK CHURCH! But damn-it is funny.

I do have a suggestion for improvement, though:

Aaaaaand cue lightning strike.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

We're back!

If you followed my tweets you know that I was on a hot losing streak while in Vegas. I was also on another kind of streak: a drinking streak. I'm not kidding I think I was drunk for 3 days straight. Luckily I have it all on film. Check out these pictures:

Yeah there aren't any pictures. I took my camera with me everywhere and took no pictures. Let this be a lesson to you all: being drunk = forgetting to take pictures. Sometimes it = taking horrible pictures that you can't post anyway because you need to remain gainfully employed and on speaking terms with your family.

Actually I do have one picture. And I really can't post it because it's a picture of a stack of porno cards that John took from the porno hander-outers in Vegas and then stuffed in my purse when I wasn't paying attention. I found them 2 days later.

Some Vegas numbers for you:

People on the trip: 15
People on the trip who I love with all my heart: 14 (I'm excluding me here not because I don't like myself but it's super douchey to say you love yourself with all your heart)
Dollars lost: $270
Drinks drank: 30+?
Times Drew almost walked in on me naked: 1
Times I screamed "No" when Drew almost walked in on me naked: 16
Amazing steaks eaten: 1
Amazing steaks I'm still thinking about: 1
Times I tripped and fell on my ass by the pool: 1
Bruises I obtained as a result of that fall: 3
People who had stomach issues: 3
Times I played my favorite slot machine game ever, The Frog Prince: 900
Horrible toasts I made: 1
Times I had my champagne glass refilled for free at brunch on Sunday: possibly 17
Times I laughed so hard I almost peed my pants: lost count

I seriously need to hire someone to always be bringing me champagne. Like for real.

I was ready to go home Sunday afternoon to get away from the smoke and the losing of money. And now I am ready to go back. I'm not even kidding-who's in for a trip next year? Let's do this. I will show you the proper way to drink an absolutely ginormous plastic Eiffel Tower full of strawberry daiquiri and get so drunk in the afternoon that you pass out at 5:30pm and get up an hour and a half later ready to go again. Also you can see me in my giant sunhat. Renee said it makes me looks like J-lo, but I know it really makes me look like a grandma. I am okay with that. My varicose veins make me look like a grandma, too. You guys are gross. So are varicose veins.

Oh by the way, I've been meaning to tell you guys: 2 weeks ago I locked my keys in my car after pulling into the parking garage at work. Not just my keys. My cell phone, my work laptop, every single thing I needed. It was awesome. I mean I guess it's not as embarassing as locking myself in my car. But still. Anyway, John made a Top Ten countdown before Vegas of reasons why it was going to be awesome. I thought about posting it, but it's too inside jokey, and unless you know all the people going, wouldn't be fun reading for you. So I'll just show you #6:

6. Is it possible to lock yourself inside an airplane? A hotel room? Out of an airplane? Sarah is going to Vegas with us. We will have our answers soon enough.

Apparently this made everybody "laugh hysterically" ha ha ha. But you know I would just like to say that I did not lock myself out of anything this trip. Although I did kind of get stuck in the airplane bathroom on the way home, and a flight attendant-a good looking male flight attendant who earlier in the flight had had to stop and show me how to lift my armrest because I couldn't figure it out-had to push on the door from the outside to help me open it. So...yeah. Dammit. Whatever I hate you guys.

P.S. Our flight home had this service where you pay $6 on your credit card and you get to watch DirectTV-live happening now DirectTV-and movies that haven't been released yet for the whole flight! The screen is on the seat in front of you. I just want to say: this is hella awesome. Diane was all, "Whatever I'm not paying $6!" because apparently she can lose $200 gambling in Vegas and pay $15 for a drink by the pool but $6 for 4 hours of entertainment is careless spending. Me on the other hand? As soon as I realized what it was I was looking at, out came the credit card. Diane obviously came around a half hour later. Continental, please hear me: GREATEST IDEA EVER.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Holy crap it's Vegas Day!

I'm getting ready to go to the airport to leave for Vegas. Incidentally, I got up way earlier and with less fuss than I do for work. I had this whole post planned, but my Internet provider was down last night for "maintenance" so now we all lose. I'll post it when I get back because it's awesome.

My Blackberry won't let me post to my blog anymore (uncool!) so follow me on Twitter for Vegas updates. They will probably be really informative like, "Just drank 7 free vodka crans in 20 minutes. Damn the casino man!" and "Just puked. Don't remember eating that."

Have a great week, everyone!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Caliente Pocket!

When speaking to a crowd (do my parents and Steph count as a crowd?), you should try opening with a joke. So here goes:

What has two eyes, two arms, two legs, two ears and accidentally brought two coats to work on Friday? ME!

Wow that was a pretty effective joke. I can see everyone here is now loosening up, we're all kind of jiving and on the same page. Did I just say jiving? No seriously though I brought two coats to work on Friday. I wore one and after I hung it up at my desk, I realized I had also carried one in. Hey-you can't put a price on that kind of flakiness.

Okay this was a pretty solid opening. On to some announcements:

- Two very big announcements for our group: ALoyd and Sharda are engaged and will forever be joined as Shloyd. Also Gordo actually found someone patient enough to marry him! I kid, I kid, Gordo. Gordo and Tracey are also engaged. Fantastic news all around! Congratulations, you four! May I offer one suggestion? Double wedding!

- Giant Eagle just lowered the price on their rotisserie chicken to $4.99, and I can think of no reason why I shouldn't buy one of these every single day. My life is sad.

- You guys, for 10 years-10 YEARS-I have been sitting...hoping...patiently waiting for my time to come. For my friend to return to his rightful place in the sun. I'm sure by now you know I'm talking about my friend...Flannel. Flannel is back, baby. Take a look around you. IT'S BACK. You can't fight it so don't even try. Just embrace it. Love it. Take it into your arms and feel how soft and comfy it is. How it makes you want to snuggle up in front of a fire or drink hot chocolate with marshmallows or chop wood. I've wished for this for so long, and now it's finally here: Flannel. Is. Back. In. Style. Yay!! Thank you, fashion gods!

- Um...who watched "The Office"? Okay seriously-that episode was freaking amazing. The rehearsal dinner speeches made me so uncomfortable, I was literally hiding under my blanket. Then Andy's accident. Then the wedding. The greatest half hour of television ever! When they stopped the organist, and Dwight went up and pressed Play on the iPod, and I heard "Forever" start, this was my exact reaction: "This show is fucking brilliant." Then I laughed so hard my stomach hurt, and at the same time, I cried like a little girl. The Maid of the Mist scenes were beautiful. The whole thing was just perfect. Especially Michael's genuine emotional response to Pam and Jim actually getting married. It was only on the screen for maybe 3 seconds, but it was beautiful. If you missed it, go back and find it. It's really lovely. I love you forever, Office!

- Speaking of television, Flash Forward, anyone? I decided to record it "just in case", though, I was really expecting to watch one episode and let it go. Then the one episode decided to be THE MOST AWESOME EPISODE EVER! Dammit, Flash Forward. Why are you so good?

- The big news is that we are leaving for Las Vegas on Thursday! 2.5 days. I keep forgetting about it, though. And by that I mean that it's literally all I think about every second of every day for the past 3 weeks. John is going. For you old schoolers, you know him as Shop Dungarees and one of the funniest m-effers in the world. We are going to Vegas. Just the two of us. No I'm kidding, obviously, even though that's what he keeps telling people at work. That makes for a comfortable working environment. A big group of us are going including John and his wife Leah. The only problem with John going is that since we see each other every day, we talk about Vegas every day, and all it does is rile us all up for the trip and then we just become useless. Well, more useless than usual. We actually tried to play craps at my desk last week. Finally I was like, "We have a problem."

Between last week and the week prior, I had 3 Hot Pockets for lunches. On Friday, while I was eating my Lean Pocket, this conversation happened:

John: I'm concerned with the number of Hot Pockets you're eating this close to Vegas.
Keith: What do you mean?
Me: He wants me to be gambling with my money-not with my health.

We all laughed. Two hours later, I got a horrible stomachache that lasted for 2 days. Let this be a lesson to you all: Jim Gaffigan is right about Hot Pockets.

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Still among the living

Sorry I have been MIA, but last week not a good week for me. Not only was I not home before 10pm any night of the week, but the weather is changing. The changing of the seasons-especially from warm to cold-always wreaks havoc on my head, and I spent the entire week with a migraine that had varying degrees of pain associated with it. It was pretty horrible. How about some random nonsense?

- I just found out that the first thing my grandpa said when he heard my sister had broken her nose was, "Well how's she goin' to pick her nose?" Awesome. I love my grandpa.

- It's possible I was so drunk at Meg's 30th birthday party Saturday that I yelled at Anderson Varejao as he was walking by me with his bodyguard on the way to the bathroom. I feel I should explain. Obviously I like Anderson Varejao as he is one of my beloved Cleveland Cavs. However, he used a bodyguard to walk through a crowd of roughly 10-12 people. What did he think was going to happen? In my defense, I don't think he heard me. And also the bar where we had Meg's party was awesome and amazing until about 11pm when it became a playground of douchebaggery, and it annoyed me. It annoyed all of us. Then Varejao walked by with his bodyguard, and I had just had enough. Sorry, Andy. I still really like you and your hair.

- Speaking of birthdays, yesterday was Steph's. We went to happy hour at Light Bistro where the manager instantly recognized Steph even though she's only been there twice before. We think it might have something to do with her/our volume. As Steph said last night, "We can turn any nice place into a keg party." Anyway, Steph is roughly 10 months younger than me. I turn 33 in December (shut up). Please do the math. So we were sitting at the bar, and Steph said something-I can't remember what-and this happened:

Manager/bartender: "Honey, you're thirty now. You need to act your age."

I slowly turned to look at Steph who was sipping on her drink, eyes down avoiding mine. "You told him you were thirty?"

Steph: "Sshhh! He doesn't need to know!"

Diane: "Steph! Hey, Ron, she's not thirty. Think higher."

We are mean friends.

P.S. Steph, Christy and Meg are back from Europe with awesome stories, but since this isn't their blog, I probably shouldn't repeat them here. I'm just happy they are home and had a wonderful time. But...I just need to tell you one thing: Steph held hands with someone. Steph...does not hold hands. She doesn't hug, she doesn't like touching. It's just not her. But she held hands with a boy. Anyway, it might not be obvious from this blog, but I am really weird about safety. Ever since my friend Matt died, I am a stickler for making sure my friends are being safe. It is annoying to everyone including me. But I can't help it. Matt's death changed me. So I heard some stories about some questionable things that happened in Europe (nothing illegal-we are not those kind of people), and I was yelling at Steph about it-right after she had told me about the hand holding. As I was yelling she goes, "Christy was bad, too!" So I said, "Okay let's go yell at Christy." And Christy turned to us and said, "What?" And Steph said, "We're yelling at you! You held hands with someone, too!" I had to stop, turn to Steph and whisper, "That's not actually what we're mad about. Holding hands is okay." She looked confused. I missed Steph.