Monday, January 31, 2005

Mental Health Day

So I took the day off today. I needed a "mental health" day, and while mental health was not achieved, I did hear "The Right Stuff" on the radio. I think we should bring back the New Kids. I miss them. I miss the sweet jams and the hip dance moves (i.e., hold on to your belt and swing legs side to side). I miss hearing my guy friends call them gay and then secretly sing along to "Hangin' Tough". I need more of Donnie Wahlberg singing and wearing a hat that says "Hardware" and less of him being a serious actor.

I'm sleepy so I need to cut this short and make this post suck more than they usually do. But I, of course, would like to address a few Bachelorette issues:

1. The quality of my life, nay, of all our lives is improved with the departing of the goddamn Frenchman. Good riddance. You are annoying. You are an a-hole. You are a pansy. And your accent sucks.

2. I can't believe she got rid of Ben. Apparently she isn't into really nice genuine guys. No he wasn't the hottest, but he was sweet, and I have a feeling he might have been funny--a quality that almost all of these guys so far are severely lacking.

3. Something else lacking on Jerry is inflection. Two words, Jer: voice modulation. Unless your goal is to make my ears bleed. If that's the case, keep up the good work. Oh and something else you might want to consider: smiling. I know it's hard when you are busy brooding, but give it a shot. Hopefully your face won't crack.

4. Seriously, Jen, you are testing my patience with John Paul. He doesn't wear socks with his BOAT SHOES, Jen!!!!! How can that not mean anything to you???

Sunday, January 30, 2005

An apology

I just want to say to anyone who saw me last night at the winery or at the bar afterward that I'm sorry if I:

a. told you I loved you more than once,
b. grabbed your ass,
c. made you eat things I didn't recognize so I could find out what they were,
d. drunk dialed you,
e. tried to make out with you, and/or
f. spoke to you at all really

(Note: I think almost all of these apply to Suzanne)

And special apologies go out to Diane and Drew for driving me and dealing with me in the car and one to Kim for pretending like I was buying Chiclets from her butt.

I really have no explanation for myself except to say that I really love John Christ wine. It's so good when it hits my mouth.

Friday, January 28, 2005

Pam and Bruce

I just want to thank the people without whom this blog would not exist. My parents and Al Gore. Al, thanks for inventing the Internet. Wait-that's an old joke? Okay sorry, Steph.

So let's talk about my folks, Bruce and Pam-the greatest parents ever known to parentdom. If there were an award ceremony for parenting like the Oscars, my parents would be the ones on stage giving an acceptance speech and your parents would be doing the fake clap/fake smile thing for the cameras back at the table. Unless you are Diane, in which case we have the same parents. Don't feel bad, you guys, at least your parents got nominated, and it's an honor just to be nominated (losers).

My parents are the most loving and generous people on Earth. D and I are spoiled rotten-not to the point of being ridiculous like the Hilton sisters, but you know what, if my parents had as much money as the Hiltons, I would be Paris only with more sex tapes, and Diane would be Nicky-the one no one really cares about.

I would say at least half of my meals are still provided by them, and it's embarassing how much money they still give to us. Even when we try to refuse (I try to-Diane's like,"'give me this right now"), they just won't take no for an answer. They care about our friends as much as we do and go out of their way to make new boyfriends feel comfortable. They are responsible for D, me and our friends not starving during college. Well, them and Papa John's. They sent us food, sent us food money, cooked for us (this applies to mom only), took us out to dinner when they came to visit (all of us-I'm talking upwards of 12 people usually), etc. They took us to nice places and all-you-can-eat-buffets . Do you know what an all-you-can-eat-buffet means to a college student? It is paradise. It's our Mecca. And even now if you ever want a free meal just be with me or D when they are around. They will immediately suggest we go out to eat somewhere and will not accept any money for it. Actually you don't even have to be with us. You just have to be nearby. They kind of just grab everyone within 20 feet and throw them into the car and take them to eat.

Quick facts:

Age: Both 55

Mom = 5'5"
Dad = 6'4"

Mom = epitomizes the Cleveland nasal accent
Dad = a voice so low he scares little kids and sometimes can't be heard without the aid of special hi-tech sound equipment

Mom = Dietitian
Dad = works at the same company I do

Mom = a nice suburb of Columbus, Ohio
Dad = the smallest town ever in southern central Ohio

How long they've been married: 34 years

How they met: At college. Dad's fraternity was hosting a spaghetti dinner for Mom's sorority (this is back when fraternities and sororities were fun). They saw each other across the room, knew instantly, blah blah blah, married like 9 nanoseconds later.

Dad's nickname for Mom: Pammy Jean

Mom's nickname for Dad: our last name (which I am not writing here. nice try, stalkers). My mom is really creative in her nicknames.

Mom's sayings:

  • "So...whatcha know?" Spoken at least once every phone call, usually more like 27 times no matter how many times you answer "nothing".
  • "Get a grip, Bruce." Directed at my Dad.

Dad's sayings:
Way too many to count. He is a saying machine, but here are a few of his favorites. All result in eye-rolls from the party on the receiving end.

  • "Dammit Pam." Directed at my Mom.
  • "Workin' hard or hardly workin'?" One of his favorites. Almost all of my friends have fallen victim to this one as well.
  • "You're cruisin' for a bruisin'" Directed at me and/or Diane when in trouble or after making fun of him. Same with...
  • "We're gonna miss you around here."
  • "Unhitch the plow!" Directed at me or Diane while we are running. Eff you, Dad!

  • And my personal fave...
  • "You can't hunt with the eagles if you hoot with the owls." Directed at me and/or Diane while addressing our drinking habits.

Can't cut the cord habits: calling D and me 3-4 times a week minimum to warn us of any weather changes, to make sure we are taking a jacket wherever we are going, to urge us to wear snowboots (winter only) and to tell us to watch out for cops because "they're really out today".

My can't cut the cord habits: can't really make any important decisions without them, if something goes wrong in my apartment or car I immediately call my dad, when I am sad I want my mommy

In short, Pam and Bruce rule. You guys will find out eventually when we all go to dinner.

Mission accomplished

Holy shit 1004. Thanks, you guys. You have made my day yet again. By the way I just caught a glimpse of my reflection in my computer monitor, and due to static pulling it in every direction except my skull, my hair is making my head like 7 times wider than it actually is.


Oh my God, you guys. I am 9 unique users away from hitting 1,000 on my counter. Do you know what that means? That means that the 10 people who read this have gone to my site 100 times each since I started this blog!!

By the way, I want to thank the people who left me nice comments on my post yesterday. You guys are awesome. I would like to hug all of you, but since I can't I am going to get drunk tomorrow night and say a toast for you.

One more thing, yesterday a lady got on the elevator and said, "Hi!" really loud, and I said, "Hello!" Then she looked at me and laughed because she wasn't talking to me. She was on her hands-free mobile. Goddammit. Although, she was also holding the phone so I think she might not get the whole concept of "hands-free". At any rate, I hate that lady, and if I see her again, I will undo her french braid so help me God.

Thursday, January 27, 2005

Now Hiring

Living alone isn't too bad. There are a lot of great things about it, that's for sure. I am actually handling it pretty well. But the nights are really hard. Bedtime--that is when I am the loneliest. When I have to go to bed by myself is when I notice B's absence the most, and also it's the only time I get nervous about living alone.

I can't fall asleep without turning on my fan for noise (even though it's -10 degrees in my bedroom) or without my TV being on. Both of these things, I'm sure, are affecting my quality of sleep which right now is horrible. When I do sleep (which is rare), I am restless. I have vivid nightmares, and I toss and turn. And every time I wake up, I wake up without him, and the pain is so severe it takes me a while to catch my breath. It's just so obvious he's not there. I can't even trick myself with pillows or blankets. B is 6'3" with broad shoulders, a big chest (not in the same way that I have a big chest-in a hot manly way) and big strong arms. He has a big belly, too, which never bothered me. I loved it. Cuddling with him at night was, honestly, the best feeling I've ever experienced in my life. And every morning when he woke up, he would roll over, put his arm around me and pull me to him. That is the best way to be woken up. I know guys think there is a better way to be woken up (wink, wink), but there's not.

Now before I make myself cry, let's not forget that B is a bastardface who left me. And that thing he used to do to wake me up stopped happening around July because apparently he was just way too depressed to be loving. You guys, it is really hard to be affectionate with someone you claim to love when you are too busy missing your dog.

The point of all this very depressing rambling is that I am now hiring. Details are below.

Position: Bed-filler

Duties: Duties would include:
  • Sleeping with me all night on the right side (when laying in the bed)

  • Cuddling with me for 5-10 minutes before we go to sleep

  • Waking me up in the fashion described above

Required skills: good cuddler, no snoring, no sleephumping (apparently this is a real thing)

Preferred skills: make me breakfast in bed

Salary: I don't have any money to give you, and I can't cook. But I will let you touch my boobs over my shirt. According to John's system, if you touch a girl's boobs over her shirt and have your hand down your own pants, you have reached 3rd base.

I am an equal opportunity employer so I will consider using females in a non-cuddling capacity, however, in that case no booby-touching. Quit complaining-you know women don't get compensated equally to do the same job as a man. Deal with it.

If more than one of you wants to apply I could create a rotating schedule. Let me know-we can work something out.

Serious inquiries only.

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

A threat

Holy shit, blogger, I swear to God if you crap all over my template again, I will destroy you without hesitation. This is like the 7th time I've had to recode all my custom links and add the statcounter code again, and it's getting pretty rigoddamndiculous. Get your shit together before I go medieval on your ass.

My awesome CD

So I can dial into work from Diane's place, and I went over there last night to get some work done (loser) so of course the only thing I got accomplished was making an awesome CD (legally*). Check this out:

1. "Southern Cross" - Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young
2. "You are the Woman" - Firefall (thanks to Mufflet for bringing this song back into my life)
3. "Bizarre Love Triangle" - New Order (this is my current cell phone ringer)
4. "Kite Song" - Patti Griffin
5. "What Would You Say to Me" - Mary Chapin-Carpenter
6. "First Single" - The Format (everyone should be listening to this song-seriously go listen to it right now)
7. "Let Me Down Easy" - Chris Isaak
8. "Broken" - Seether and Amy Lee
9. "Party for Two" - Shania Twain and Billy Currington
10. "Call Me Mellow" - Tears for Fears (new stuff by TFF-sweet)
11. "Mr. Brightside" - The Killers (awesome, awesome, awesome)
12. "You're My Better Half" - Keith Urban (I'm just saying Keith Urban has a lot of bad songs)
13. "No End In Sight" - Katrina Elam (omg I love this song)

All I'm saying is there's a lot of the same genre on there. The only song I forgot to add was "Beautiful Soul" by Jesse McCartney. You guys are fine-that song is awesome. I'm going back to D's to add it.

P.S. A cool way to walk into work is to not notice that your scarf is caught in between your legs so that the fringe looks like it's coming out your butt.

*I'm pretty sure this site is being monitored by the RIAA.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

Recipe Box

Here's a recipe I came up with in high school. It's fun for the whole family!

Sarah's Chocolate Chip Cookies

  • Gather ingredients located on back of package of Nestle chocolate chips (semi-sweet--get that milk chocolate shit out of my face)
  • Mix wet ingredients
  • Slowly add in dry ingredients
  • Add chocolate chips
  • Lean over mixer to check recipe.
  • Get permed hair caught in beaters.
  • Scream as hair winds around the beaters until the mixer is pressed up against your head and making a whiny sound because it can't turn anymore.
  • Jerk your head while calling for your mom and knock the bowl full of cookie dough to the ground.
  • Watch semi-retarded high school boyfriend dive to the ground screaming, "Nooooo!!!"--all in slow motion--and then catch the bowl just in time.
  • Listen to semi-retard say, "You guys, don't worry--I saved the cookies." while he stares at the mixer stuck to your head, still trying to spin.
  • Wait for mom to stop laughing long enough to unplug the mixer.
  • Wash hair.
  • Let mom finish making cookies.
  • Never make cookies again.

Seriously I hate cooking.

Monday, January 24, 2005

What the h, Jen?

Um…WTF, Bachelorette? What the hell were you thinking keeping the goddamn French guy? He is the worst. I don’t even mean the worst person. I mean the worst thing ever to exist (besides Green Pants). I love ya, Jen, but get your head out of your ass. Fabrice is creepy and annoying and needs to leave the States immediately. Also for the love of God, John Paul, put some socks on and lose the boat shoes. You are not Sonny Crockett.

P.S. John called me drunk from Florida tonight. He is with Mark, Shamus, Kenny and Wayne. Apparently they are learning a lot about tequila and beer. From a purely business perspective, this seems like money well spent. I hope I get another call tomorrow night. I love drunk dialing.

Catch up

I have been taking a lot of crap for not posting this weekend--from one person in particular (which is interesting because I was with her most of the weekend so it's not like she doesn't know what I was doing). So let's just get right to it:

1. I don't even want to talk about Johnny Carson dying. I can hardly deal with it. When I found out yesterday, I totally lost it. He was amazing, and I am so sad he is gone. Everyone should go out and buy the Best of Johnny Carson DVD set. It is hysterical. We miss you, Johnny!!

2. On Thursday I received in the mail B's rent check for February (oh hell yeah he still pays rent). He sent it to me in a Christmas card that said, "Wishing you and yours a joyful Christmas season!" I'm assuming the "yours" is referring to the TV since I no longer have an effing roommate. Sidenote to B: YOU were supposed to be the "yours", you stupid abandoning mofo.

On the inside of the card, B wrote: "I'm sorry. Love, B" So hey-all better!! Whoosh-I'm so glad we got that all cleared up. He's sorry, you guys, so now it doesn't hurt anymore. Seriously, though, I never imagined it would hurt this much. I thought I would be feeling better by now, but I am only feeling worse. It is ridiculous how sad I am. I actually feel guilty for being so sad since in the big scheme of things, this isn't that important. Remember in "Steel Magnolias" after the funeral Sally Field says she wants to hit someone until he or she feels as bad as she does? That is how I feel. Except I really only want that person I hit to be him.

3. Despite my above comment I am not a violent person. I mean I tell a lot of people that I am going to punch them (including my boss last week-nice), but really the only thing I could ever do is flick someone's forehead. It's just not in me to fight. Plus I am really a big wuss. However, when provoked, I will get pissed. Saturday's football game was such an event. The team we played thinks they are in the NFL so they are all serious about it. This is football, baby-no mercy. Well, this one girl who we will call Green Pants could not have been meaner or uglier (seriously), and I didn't have time for it.

She made snide comments the entire time for absolutely no reason, and then she called Boobs McGee a bitch, and that is where I draw the line. I said to her, "Hey-you don't need to be calling anyone names over here. It's rec football." (I'm so tough). Then like 30 seconds later, another snide comment directed at Meg who is the nicest, most harmless person on Earth. I said, "Alright just stop." Her reply? "Fuck you!" Very classy. Then Woody yelled out, "Hey, Sarah-cover the girl in the green pants!" and she goes, "Oh, I'm reeeeaaaallly scared." I said, "Just what is your problem?" and she said, "You are!" because apparently she is in the 3rd grade. More bitchy comments followed, and I regretfully let loose some obscenities in her direction. I try not to resort to swearing, but seriously she is a stupid bitch-hor.

Then it was halftime, and afterwards, every other girl on the team was being super, super nice to us. I'm sure it's because they hate her, too. It's so obvious they felt bad. I was good and just let everything go, and then we all went to shake hands after the game (they won), and she didn't shake anyone's hand because she is a mean, bitter wench who's own team hates her. If you are reading this, Green Pants, you are not a nice person, and if you ever say mean things about my friends again, I will kick you square in the jaw and then punch you right in the babymaker, and I am not even kidding.

4. Does anyone else miss old school Chevy Chase? I watched "Fletch" the other day, and he is so effing hilarious in that movie. I miss him.

5. I watched "The Growing Pains Movie" yesterday. The ugly son (Ben) has gotten uglier. John said that at this pace in 10 years he will be the ugliest human on Earth. I got a little teary-eyed when they played a slow instrumental version of "As Long as We Got Each Other" during the heartfelt moments. That might be my favorite TV theme song. I don't know-I need to think about this. But it's definitely top 5. By the way, I miss the pre-born-again Kirk Cameron.

6. I also watched "The Lost Boys" yesterday. How fucking cool is that movie? It is definitely the best vampire movie ever. I can't even count the number of sleepovers I had that included watching that movie. My friend Kelly and I used to watch it twice a day. It has all the elements of a great film:
  • both Coreys (if you don't know who I'm talking about, you can just get the hell out)
  • scary music sung by children ("Thou shall not fall....")
  • funny and scary
  • not so much gore that I wanted to upchuck the entire contents of my stomach
  • a weirdo grandpa who acts aloof but knows everything
  • awesome dog
  • a rare turn by Keifer Sutherland as the bad guy
  • this line:
    Keifer: It's too late, Michael. My blood is in your veins.
    Michael:!!!!!! (impales Keifer on deer antlers) Effing-A awesome.
If you're mad that I just gave away part of the ending, maybe you should get off your ass and rent the movie already since it's been out for 18 years.

7. I missed you guys.

Friday, January 21, 2005

Love letters

Dear moisture,
Can you please come back to my skin? It misses you so much.

Dear Heater,
Quit blowing cold air into my apartment. Your function is inherent in your name. Quit sucking. I can only wear so many layers of clothes before I am rendered immobile.

Dear sweater that I wore yesterday,
You are not a half shirt so stop creeping up like you are one.

Dear Old Navy dressing room lady,
I know your job is really hard and requires a lot of concentration, but when you give me a dressing room and then 30 seconds later completely forget and treat me like I'm a big fat liar, it pisses me off. Also I am not stealing stuff so quit looking at me like I am and quit counting every piece of clothing in my hands before I go into the dressing room and then again when I come out. I already moved my shopping cart outside of your precious dressing room area because you were uncomfortable with it being in there so just calm down. You are dumb.

Dear homeless guy outside my building,
No I don't want to sit with you for a while. Thanks for the invite, though.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Yesterday morning

Yesterday morning the weather was bad. It took everyone I know 3 times longer to get to work than usual. I have about a 10 minute walk from the parking garage to my building, and it was snowing like crazy-to the point where I could barely see because it was flying right into my eyes. I walked in with a co-worker and spoke to a bunch of people on the elevator. On the way to my desk I stopped and chatted with several people in my department. I got to my desk and spoke to my entire team at length. I spoke to more people face to face than I have in 2 weeks.

At 11:30 I got up and put my coat on so I could go meet the guys for lunch. At the last minute I decided to run to the bathroom to freshen up. On the way I said hi to more people. When I got into the bathroom and looked in the mirror, this is what I saw:

My eyelashes had gotten wet from the snow while I was walking to work and had subsequently smeared my mascara all over the entire top half of my face. Not one single person told me. Not one. Dear absolutely every single person that I work with including girls who should know you’re supposed to tell another girl when there are blatant makeup mishaps, maybe a little heads up next time. That’s all I’m saying.

By the way that picture of me is surprisingly accurate. I have only two strands of hair and am just a floating head with red lipstick. Wait let me just try something here…..

Oh yeah--it's meant to be.


Posted by Hello

I don't think you're ready for this jelly

Things that happened to me this morning:

Woke up late
Similar instances: Every single work day

Dropped $30 MAC foundation in the toilet
Similar instances: Once I got drunk at a bar and dropped my work pager in the toilet. Then I spent 3 drunken hours cleaning it with hand soap, Lysol and Q-tips. The pager was still broken. Sidenote: One time Renee knocked my contact case into the toilet while there was pee in there. Pee in the toilet not in my contact case.

Noticed my favorite jeans had a rip in the ass. Not along the seam, but across the right cheek area. And just FYI I wore them this past weekend in front of a lot of people.
Similar instances:
1. A few years ago I came back from lunch and realized my pants had split sometime during the morning. My lunch buddies totally lied about not noticing it. I went home and changed. I think the reason for the rip was that the pants were really ugly, and I refused to stop wearing them so God had to take matters into his own hands. Sidenote: I have had to go home and change pants several times due to ketchup and/or chocolate related incidents.

2. One glorious day a few years ago, my friend Kimmie and I got to hang out all day with the two hottest guys on the University of Toledo football team. Seriously they were/are two of the finest specimen on the plant. One of them can only be described as an Adonis--or maybe even THE Adonis. We went out to dinner and when I was climbing into Adonis's giant pick up truck, my pants ripped. I had a stroke and then almost started crying. I told everyone what happened, and they wanted to see. I didn't let them, but at least Adonis asked to see my butt. I think the reason they ripped is because I wore tighter jeans-you know for Adonis-and that combined with an approximate 17 foot step up into the cab of the truck... well...let's face it-the poor butt-seam never stood a chance. That or else I have the worst luck in the entire universe and there is no way that I would ever actually get to spend time with the hottest men on Earth without my pants ripping in front of them.

You may think that all this pants-ripping has given me a complex. And you're right. I mean, just how big is my ass? Apparently now it's even big enough and powerful enough to tear the actual denim-not even just along the seam. I don't want to sound paranoid, but you guys might want to steer clear of my backside for a while. I know it will be hard since so many people want to be around it and spend time there, but it's for your own good.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

The music is my life

I just re-read my post from yesterday about politics, and holy crap I am such an ass. Seriously I’m an embarrassment to my family, my friends and my country. Good times.

Anyway, let’s get down to business. I am a complete music freak. I love almost every kind of music out there including the stuff considered “fluff” music. Even the music I don’t like I can appreciate because I know that music is heard differently by different people. Except for Barry Manilow. I don’t respect any of you effing Manilow fans. You guys suck.

Internet, we need to talk about your CD collection. Frankly, it’s missing something. Here are some CDs-old and new and in no particular order-that I am currently listening to a lot (I go through intense “listening phases” with all my CDs). You should run out and buy these…legally. Piracy is illegal, you hoodlums. Scott, you can stop reading. You won't like any of these. Nobody sings/screams about Satan or sacrificing animals or anything.

“On Your Shore” by Charlotte Martin
1) She has the most beautiful voice ever-the kind I have dreamt about having my entire life and 2) her songs are amazing and she sings them as if her chest is opening up and we can actually see into her heart. That was graphic, but you know what I mean. It’s not for everyone, but it’s one powerful cd. One of my most favorite.

“Garden State” soundtrack
See the movie first and then I guarantee you will want to buy this. Really good music by a lot of unknown artists. Like Coldplay. Who the hell is Coldplay? They must be new.

“Borrowed Heaven” by The Coors
I barely ever make it past #1 because it’s the best song ever. I love you, Corrs. I love you.

“Leaving Through the Window” by Something Corporate
Something Corporate rules and this cd is amazing. Punk rock piano? Awesome.

Pat Benetar Greatest Hits
Just buy it. Seriously. Just go buy it. Right now.

“Breakaway” by Kelly Clarkson
Okay if you just broke up with your boyfriend or girlfriend, buy this album immediately. It will be your post-breakup bible.

“Alice Peacock” by Alice Peacock
She’s a little Sheryl Crow and a little Shawn Colvin. Her songs are nice and easy and mellow and great to sing along to, and her name is really fun to say.

And as of 5 minutes ago...
"Not Another Teen Movie" soundtrack
Great remakes of cool 80's songs. Thanks, Mufflet! P.S. Whoever is the main guy in this movie is totally effing hot.

Go forth and purchase.

Freaking Out

OMG I just talked to the mortgage guy! He is going to do a mortgage analysis on me and get back to me tomorrow with how much house I can afford, what my credit rating is (!!!) and what my rate will probably be. I am so scared. I told him that I had never done this before and was really nervous, and he was like, "Well then I'll just guide you right through it." Then I was thinking how that kind of sounded like the first time I had sex. YOU GUYS!!! That is totally inappropriate! And also not true since the guy I did it with wasn't too experienced himself. But we are not getting into that on this blog. Go to Danielle's blog for the dirty stuff. She's a hor.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Watch this right now

For those of you with HBO, you need to watch Richard Jeni's new special. It's called Richard Jeni: A Big Steaming Pile of Me. This link should take you to the schedule. I have already watched it twice, and it is amazing. He should always have a special on HBO.

Politics Shmolitics

You may have noticed that I don't talk about politics very much. Or ever. Here's the thing...politics suck. They are really boring, and people who talk about them tend to use large words and get really passionate and their voices get all high and squeaky because they feel like their point isn't being heard (this is true of both men and women). All of that requires copious amounts of energy. Energy I don't have. What little energy I do have has to be rationed out among being bad at sports, watching TV, pressing redial on my phone to call Diane and making fun of people. I really don't have time in my busy schedule to discuss politics. I try to watch debates, but they always kind of turn into a name-calling contest, and I get annoyed. Not that I'm saying I need to hear all about the issues or anything, but if you're going to have a name-calling contest let's at least hear some swearing and/or bathroom humor. I vote in every presidential election. 50% because I feel it's my civic duty and privilege and 50% because I don't want P. Diddy to kill me.

Okay I'm not completely without opinions on important issues (i.e., gay marriage, abortion, Ross & Rachel). I'm just completely without the willingness to discuss them with you. Plus blah blah blah with all the boring talk. Let's get drunk and dance to Pat Benatar.

Yes I know--I am what is wrong with this country. Believe me I'm well aware of that fact. And if I had the energy to feel guilty about it, I would, but as I just mentioned, I don't. However, please don't fear for our country's future just yet as I feel that my apathy is completely evened out by the political fervor of some of my good friends whose lives revolve around politics. I have never seen anything like it. For example, I went over to D's place during election night, and there was like a gathering of all the great young Democratic minds in the Greater Cleveland area hovering over the TV, refreshing the Internet every 5 seconds, discussing "which guys were coming up the pike" (not sure what this means) and rolling on the floor in agony every time a state turned red. There were tears and panic attacks and phone calls every 2 minutes from people calling to check if everyone was holding up okay. Someone who shall remain nameless even puked (Steph). Then there was me, Kim and Diane (who was sleeping on the couch). I will admit it-I was terrified. I made the mistake of suggesting we turn on Food Network. It wasn't well-received. In fact it was the first time I've ever seen blood run from someone's eyes. At any rate I'm pretty sure that is the last time I will hang around those people on an election night unless I am asleep on the couch. But I do feel proud to call them my friends because I know they are the ones who will one day change this country for the better, and I will have voted for them while P. Diddy held a gun to my head.

By the way, the Board of Elections just sent me the little card with my "new" voting location. I moved to my apartment in April. The election was 2.5 months ago. How do you expect me to care about politics when no one will even tell me where to go vote. Maybe next time we all put our heads down and then raise our hand when they say the name of the person we want to vote for. That seems like a more efficient method than the one currently being used. Plus no hanging chads.

Oh man-if only we could get through just one post without the obligatory "hanging chad" joke.

Monday, January 17, 2005

My MLK Day

I have a really big problem with the new TV commercial for Mucinex. You know the one where the mucus is like, "I love move-in day!" and sets up camp in the guy's lung and starts watching TV. Then the guy takes Mucinex and coughs and the mucus goes, "Uh oh--there goes the neighborhood!!" and gets sucked up through the guy's windpipe? Basically my thoughts are this: what the fuck? Is it totally necessary to put a face on mucus and then make us wonder a) how he gets a TV to work inside your lung, b) where exactly does he go when he gets sucked up through the windpipe and c) why does he leave a trail of crap everywhere he goes?

Um...I may or may not have bought both People and Us Weekly today because they claimed to have the inside scoop on the Jen/Brad split. In my defense, I have to know what is going on. You guys, seriously, I have to.

Today Suz and I went shopping since we are bankers and bank holidays are awesome. Suz spent almost $400 in 2 hours. It was the greatest display of power shopping I have seen in years. I pulled in some good numbers myself at $106-a respectable showing. I had no intentions of buying anything, and the way Suz and I justified the spending to ourselves was by saying, "Oh well I really need this for work." And it got me thinking--shouldn't work be paying for my clothes? I mean, they require that I dress "business casual" yet don't offer me the money to buy the clothes that are considered "business casual". If it's absolutely necessary that I dress a certain way, shouldn't work pick up the tab to ensure that I do? I'm thinking yes. I mean, if they didn't tell me to dress "business casual", I would just go to work in my Def Leppard t-shirt and pajama pants. I know there are some lawyers reading this. Can you guys look into this? Let me know if I have a case here. And if right now you are saying, "Yeah but I've seen the shirts you buy and most of them have plunging necklines that are inappropriate for work", don't worry. I have never had a problem wearing cleavage-baring shirts to work, much to my father's chagrin. You can verify this with John and/or Scott.

And finally, this message is for my Bachelorette girls out there: #1 - Jen Rocks. She's real, and gives Cleveland chicks a good name. # 2 - she did a very good thing tonight getting rid of Stu and Guy Who Asked For Her Autograph. But a bad job getting rid of Michael w/ the muscles. Next round she needs to dump the extra weight: Frenchie and Jean Paul. Maybe also Mr. I Have a Warrior's Heart and Answer the Door Shirtless Because I Am The Least Subtle Person on Earth.

Sunday, January 16, 2005

Hello Sportsfans!

So I've mentioned a few times that I play co-ed recreational organized sports . Let me just give you a rundown of those sports and my duties during games:

Sport: Softball
Season(s): Spring, Summer, sometimes Fall
History: I have played softball basically since I was a fetus (I was a very athletic fetus). I was pretty awesome at it, played on lots of traveling teams, etc. I had to quit seriously playing when I was 15 due to a disease in my knees called Osgood-Schlatter disease.
Current Duties:
1. Pitching. I am the pitcher, and I'm not too bad at it. Gerbs heckles me from the outfield (there's nothing like the support of your teammates), but I think he would admit that there are worse pitchers out there. Maybe not since he is the backup pitcher.
2. Hitting. I used to be a great hitter. That skill has apparently left the Sarah building, however, as I can no longer hit for shit. When I do by some miracle make contact with the ball, there is a 30% chance I will actually make it to 1st base before I am thrown out....from the outfield. I'm what people in the sports profession and every single other profession might call "the slowest runner in the known universe". You know it's bad when your own father yells out, "Unhitch the plow!!!!" in an effort to get you to move faster.

Sport: Volleyball
Season(s): Winter
History: I played in gym class and totally sucked. I have played in rec leagues for 3-4 years now and still totally suck.
Current Duties:
1. Bumping and spiking. Basically my job is to scream when the ball is coming at me and smack it away before it hits me in the face. About 50% of the time this tactic works okay. The other 50% of the time, I score points for the other team. I love volleyball so much, but if Suz doesn't tell me when to hit it, I won't. I will just stand there wondering who is going to come up and push me out of the way to get it. You could say that volleyball is not my sport.

Sport: Touch Football
Season(s): Apparently all of them
History: I played tackle with the neighbor boys growing up. I think now this may have been a ploy by the neighbor boys to touch the neighbor girls. I wore a lot of unnecessary full sweatsuit outfits. I just started playing adult rec this past fall. I never know what the score is or if we have won or lost until it's over.
Current Duties:
1. Defensive specialist. I go in on defense and wait for one of the boys to tell me where to go and which person/people to cover. Then when the person that I'm responsible for gets the ball, I try to touch them with two hands to "tackle" them, but usually I just end up falling. Sometimes I am responsible for the quarterback so I jump around in front of him--you know, to intimidate him--and then when the ref says "5 one thousand", I am allowed to run after him. Then he usually runs by me, and I fall.
2. Avoiding playing offense. Usually when Steph says, "Okay we need 3 girls on offense!", I hide behind our superfan, Matt, because when you're on offense there is a chance that the ball will actually be thrown to you. I can't handle being that directly responsible for losing the game. I have actually been in on offense before and have made 2 catches. The first one I ever caught was amazing, and the guy who "tackled" me was the hottest guy in the entire tri-state area. Then he gave me a hi-five and told me that my catch was great. Then we ran away together and got married in Hawaii under a waterfall.

I absolutely love playing all these sports. But I think I can sense that the end is nearing for two reasons: a) I'm overweight/out of shape and b) I'm old (for example, I sneezed this morning and pulled a muscle in my stomach). The truth is my body is starting to hate me. Let's tally up the body parts that don't work due to sports and non-sports related reasons:

1. Right ankle, shin and foot due to direct hit of line drive to shin 1.5 years ago at softball. Sidenote: I now have to wear shinguards during softball. Another sidenote: They do not look as hot as one might think.
2. Left thumb due to jamming it twice in one week at softball this past summer. Once from a line drive hit by a boy. Once from a throw by Monica. Sidenote: Monica, it is not natural for a girl to throw that hard. That's all I'm saying.
3. Left big toe due to jamming my toenail into the toe of my cleats. Sidenote: This looks really nasty. Who wants to see?
4. Back. Threw out back in college while shaving legs in shower.
5. Brain. Overconsumption of alcohol and TV.
6. Head. Migraines.
7. Immune system: Allergies. Sidenote: We'll go into detail on this in a later post. There is too much to tell.
8. Eyes: Wear glasses/contacts since I was 15. Sidenote: Up until like 2 years ago, I was the only one in my family with sight problems. Now my parents, both 55, need reading glasses and Diane needs them to drive. I need them to function as a productive citizen of society. All I'm saying is that nothing about that is unfair. At all.
9. Knees. I already have knee problems from this goddamn Osgood-Schlatter disease. I was told by my pediatrician when I was 12 that it would go away after puberty. I was then told by the salesguy at the soccer equipment store that it would never truly go away. Turns out soccer guy was right. He is now my regular physician. One advantage of having Osgood-Schlatter's, though, is that I can tell when it is going to rain because it makes my knees hurt. I think that makes me a more qualified weatherman than Dick Goddard. That and the fact that I don't have to wear adult diapers.
10. Knees (cont). Yesterday we played football on a frozen tundra. Literally the hardest, most frozen ground I've ever seen. It was like playing on concrete--slippery concrete. I was doing my signature move of running after the quarterback and then falling only I fell directly on my knees. Let me see if I can describe the pain to you. Okay so you know how sometimes you're walking to the ice rink to practice your Olympic skating routine and then Tonya Harding smashes your kneecap in with a crowbar? It was like that, but it was both knees and it was Mother Nature instead of Tonya Harding.

Yeah so I might start a bowling league soon. I think that might be safer. Plus it's a good place to meet men.

Saturday, January 15, 2005


So I talked to B yesterday, and suddenly it hit me out of the blue: this is really, truly over. He is never coming back. We will never be together again. The thoughts just kind of snuck up on me. I know, it seems like I should have already known that since he moved 400 miles away from me, right? And I sort of did. But on some level, that part of me that absolutely knew without a doubt that he and I were meant to be together was still hoping and still believing. Then I spoke to him yesterday (after not talking for 6 days--an absolute record), and it was in his voice--happiness. I hadn't heard it in a while, but I recognized it instantly. He is happy. And that is when I knew. I knew that he had really done what was right for him, and that I was wrong about us being meant for each other. I know he loves me and misses me but to him losing me is a more acceptable sacrifice than leaving Baltimore. And that's not true love. What an awful, horrible, heartbreaking lesson. Hey, Life--suck much?

I desperately want to be happy, too. So as a way of jumpstarting the "happy train", here is a list of things that make me happy:

1. going to 3 Birds with Danielle and Steph
2. dancing to 80's music in Diane's living room (note: not as hot as it sounds. actually, just as hot as it sounds)
3. playing football/volleyball/softball (note: badly)
4. "Friends"
5. blogging
6. Diane
7. my parents
8. finding a condo I might actually buy (more on this later)
9. 4-way with beans from Skyline
10. throwing things at people
11. David Hasselhoff/Baywatch
12. Cotton Club Cherry Strawberry pop
13. AJ fixing Suzi's underwear in public
14. John buying me wine with the same name as the guy who plays Charlie Salinger (Matthew Fox) and saying, "I figured this way you could sleep with the bottle and tell everyone you slept with Matthew Fox."
15. dinner at Scott and Ona's
16. downloading "Believe it Or Not"-the theme song from "The Greatest American Hero"-onto my cell phone
17. Food Network/HGTV
18. Salt & Vinegar Pringles
19. my Christmas tree
20 . when I trip down the stairs looking at a condo and my dad says it's because the stairs are "abnormally spaced" and not because I am the most clumsy person on Earth

Okay this is a pretty good start, I think. Sorry this post wasn't funny. More funny to come.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Pulling a Sarah

Look what John just pointed out to me:

WTF? The thing is it's pretty accurate. Dammit.

Ah-nold got Maria jewelry for Xmas

Unfunny - So last night I was watching Jay Leno. Not on purpose-I was just waiting for Conan to come on, obviously. It was merely a means to an end. Anyway, I know that I am only mildly amusing and usually only to myself at that, but I know funny when I see it or hear it. Even if I can't execute the funny, I can recognize a good execution from someone else. And here's the thing--Jay Leno is the least funny person on Earth. That is a scientific fact. I've run the tests, people, and he just isn't funny. Is he a good guy? Sure. Is he likeable? Definitely. Do his monologues make me want to slit my own wrists? Yes! Now, I don't want to hear from all you Leno Losers (that's what I'm calling fans of Jay Leno) saying, "Oh my gosh Jaywalkers is so funny!" or "Headlines are so funny!" because that is someone else being funny-not Jay.

Last night he interviewed Arnold Schwartzegovernor, and they were talking about what he got for Christmas and what he got Maria and what he got his litter of kids, etc. It was the least funny thing to happen to television since "Committed". The only time I want to hear Ah-nold talking is when he is saying "You're luggage" to an alligator before he shoots it or "You're fired" to a terrorist before he blows him up. And the worst part about all of this is that I fucking fell asleep before Conan came on, and Topher Grace, who IS funny, was his guest. Damn you, Jay Leno! Damn you straight to hell!

You know who else sucks? John Leguizamo. How not funny is that guy? Also Tom Green could use a swift kick to the sternum. I mean really what did we ever do to you, Tom?

Now this guy is funny.

Movies - Is anyone else a little happy to see Michael Keaton coming out with a new movie?

Music - Even though it came out at the end of 2004, I think "Since U Been Gone" by Kelly Clarkson is going to be my theme song for 2005. It makes me want to put on that black leather outfit that Olivia Newton-John had on at the end of "Grease" and drive to Baltimore and put out a cigarette on B's forehead. I will need a couple of people to go with me, though: 1) Olivia Newton-John because there is no way in hell I can fit into that black leather outfit and 2) someone who smokes.

P.S. If you saw an asshole on the road today driving a green SUV, that was me.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Drunken photography

I was looking through all the pictures on my digital camera, and I found this:

It took me a second to figure out why I took it. Then I saw the words above the doorways. "Adult Rides Kiddie". What the hell is wrong with me?

It's getting hot in herre

Okay seriously last night's episode of "Lost" was, in a word, amazing. I can't get enough of this show. It almost makes me want to cry it's so good. The only thing predictable about it from week to week is my reaction and that reaction is completely losing my mind. If you don't watch it, you're a goddamn moron, and that's a fact. Just a quick couple of comments on it, and then we'll move on. Don't read this next part if you haven't watched last night's episode. Or if you don't care about "Lost" at all (goddamn moron). Or if you hate me (I wouldn't blame you).

1. Um...when the hell did Boone get totally fucking hot? Seriously I thought he was kinda pretty before, and then last night he made me feel funny in my pants. His arms are nice, which I enjoy. I am an arm girl (sorry Scott--though I do love your legs). Plus he was doing all kinds of emoting. First he was all protective of his sister (hot) then all filled with uncontrollable lust (soooo hot) then sad when he found her in the river (hot) then pissed off and in fighting mode (hot) then a little teary eyed and shameful at the very end (hot). Also I'm a firm believer that you never truly know how hot a guy is until you see him make out on TV. And Boone, holy eff, I was not disappointed. Well done.

2. At some point they are going to have to make the guy who plays Hurley (or as John calls him "lard afromullet") lose some weight or it will become unbelievable.

3. I didn't think Sawyer was that hot until last week when he took off his clothes to go swimming, and then there it was: hotness.

4. Sharda! Bring it way down on the whiny bitch. I am starting to like her!

5. Seriously, Charlie Salinger, you are so hot I can barely look at you straight on.

Clearly I have hot guys on the brain so let's go with that. Here are some of my favorite hotties in no particular order. You can agree or disagree, but really you can only agree.

1. Charlie Salinger (duh)
2. Ben Affleck
3. Matthew McConnaughey
4. Paul Walker
5. Brad Pitt
6. Josh Duhamel
7. Ashton Kutcher
8. Matt Damon
9. Jerry O'Connell
10. George Clooney

Old(er) hot guys:
1. Dennis Quaid
2. Jeff Bridges (don't judge me)
3. Sean Connery
4. Richard Gere
5. Tom Selleck
6. Denzel Washington
7. Mel Gibson

And hey-I'm an equal opportunity blogger. Here are some ladies I think are hot:
1. Faith Hill
2. Charlize Theron
3. Evangeline Lilly
4. Jessica Alba
5. Gisele Bundchen
6. Halle Berry
7. J-lo
8. Eliza Dushku
9. Jessica Simpson
10. Shania Twain

People who are not hot but some (blind) people keep saying they are:
1. Russell Crowe
2. Jude Law
3. Penelope Cruz
4. Pink
5. Ewan McGregor
6. David Duchovny
7. Paris Hilton

Who do you guys think are the hottest? It better not be anyone on the last list.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Bump, set, spike

Hey, peeps. It's late, and Sarah is tired so this is gonna be short and unfunny. I have some administrative things to take care of.

1. Read Sharda's blog. She's funny when she is not making fun of things I like. I will not read it tonight, though, because I haven't watched "Lost" yet and apparently she reveals all in her newest post.

2. Our first volleyball game was tonight, and we won 1 out of 3 games. The 2 that we lost were close, though. I would say 55-60% of the balls I hit were actually aimed toward the vicinity of the volleyball court. For those of you laughing at the phrase "balls I hit", grow up. Just kidding-I'm laughing, too.

3. I'm so out of shape they need to invent a new word to describe it.

4. Scott is in my volleyball league.

5. Speaking of which....Scott, fucking update your blog.

Wanna talk about number one, oh my me my

So, Erik made a good point today that I have been thinking about but haven't shared. Blogs are very self-serving. It's really all about you, your experiences, your thoughts, your opinions, etc. It's played by your rules, and completely 100% run by you. And if you're not an interesting person, it's a recipe for disaster. Thank God I'm interesting.

Seriously, though, the truth is every time I post something to this blog, I feel like a big ego maniac. I wasn't conscious of this at first because I honestly was writing it just for myself-never thinking other people would actually be reading it. But now that I know that as many as 6 people are reading this, I'm starting to feel bad. Have you ever been in the middle of a conversation when you suddenly realize you have been talking about your stories and thoughts on, say for example, 80's hair bands for the last 20 minutes, and you feel bad because you're sure the person you're with also has stories and thoughts on 80's hair bands (who doesn't), but they can't even get a word in edgewise cuz you won't shut the hell up? That is the feeling I get when I write in this, and it makes me a little uncomfortable. It's like, 'Jesus Sarah, can someone else talk, or is this all about you all the time?' And I'm here to say yes-this is about me all the time. If you don't like it, get your own blog!

Just kidding! I mean, clearly since I am the only contributing writer to this blog, most of it will be about me. That's unavoidable-I mean I DO have the conch. So just to prove that I am capable of talking about other things besides me and my boyfriend leaving, today I am going to talk about someone else: my sister, Diane. Chances are you will be hearing a lot about her since we are always together, but here is some info to get you started:

Age: 25 (26 in March)

Sign: Aries

Height: 5'10"

Hair: blond

Home address: you wish. But she lives a few streets down from me in Lakewood with Steph and Kim in a bright pink house. I used to live there then Steph took my place when I moved out. Renee used to live there, too, with me and Kim then Diane took her place when she moved out. Kim has always lived there. She is the staple. And for those wondering, yes we did used to have pillow fights in our nighties. (That one was for my lunch boys. Enjoy, fellas.)

Occupation: total slut

Can you date her: No

Why: In a committed relationship with Drew (Uh oh-I just said "committed", Drew! Are you okay? Someone check his heart rate!)

Likes: shopping, makeup, clothes, all sports, A-Rod, Chipotle, her Franklin planner, her cell phone, Drew, mint M&Ms, Mountain Dew Code Red, calling me 17 times a day, "Space Jam"

Dislikes: boys who don't like football, training people at work, staying in on weekends, people who ask her dumb questions, the words "crust" and "moist", driving her car anywhere except to work, the thing I just wrote about driving her car, seeing people eat alone

Best qualities: personality, hair, heart

Worst qualities: can be scary, weird obsession with Franklin planner, low voice on mornings after drinking

Weird qualities: can't smell skunks

Annoying qualities: forgets her glasses every goddamn time we go to the movies, sometimes attempts to kill me by serving me expired food

I like her because: we share the same DNA, we have the same giant nose, she is my best friend ever, she is the one who when I ask, "Does this outfit look okay?" will say without hesitation, "Dear God-what the hell are you wearing? Take that off immediately." when everyone else is saying, "Oh my gosh that looks so good on you!", she makes me laugh, I get to make fun of her without fear of retaliation (i.e., death blow to trachea), would actually serve a death blow to someone's trachea to defend me, takes all my crap and still loves me, makes fun of people with me, calls John creepy.

P.S. In case you're wondering, the title of this post is a lyric from a Toby Keith song.

P.P.S. I just said PP. Ahahahahahaha.

P3.S. Don't worry-someday we really will discuss 80's hair bands.

Typical Cleveland

So here's a good example of Cleveland weather. Saturday it was freezing and snowing like crazy. Today it is 60 degrees and raining. This coming Saturday it will be 24 degrees and snowing.

For as much as I complain, though, I do love this city and am happy to live here. In fact, let's take a look at the scorecard:

California: earthquakes, mudslides, flash floods
Oklahoma, Kansas, other "middle" states: massive tornadoes
Florida, Georgia, other southern states: hurricanes, tropical storms
Hawaii: hurricanes, volcanoes
East coast and west coast: tsunamis, according to the "Dateline" I watched this weekend
Arizona, Nevada: 175 million degrees, scorpions
Montana: Unabomber
Cleveland: 60 degrees and raining in the middle of January

I think I'm okay where I am. Even Baltimore got hit by a hurricane last year, and it flooded the Inner Harbor. I'm just saying it makes sense why someone would want to live there instead of with their girlfriend.

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Key Largo, Montego, baby why don't we go

I am not a beach person.

There. I said it. I'm sorry. I know 98% of you out there are, but I am just not one of those people. Now, that is not to say that I don't enjoy going to the beach every once in a while. I certainly do. Most beaches are absolutely beautiful, and usually if I am at a beach it means I am not stuck in a snow bank on the berm of Interstate 71 which is always good. Oh and, by the by, I'm not referring to the "beaches" of Cleveland which you can use for the approximately 3 weeks out of the year that it's not cold. I only go to those beaches if I am running low on dirty syringes or am part of a search party looking for dead bodies.

I'm talking about real beaches-the kind people travel to on purpose for vacation. Specifically, here are my problems with beaches:

1. I hate sand part 1. Oh my God I hate it. Here's a common scenario: I am wearing my cute "beach shoes" that I just bought at Target, carrying my cute "beach bag" also purchased at Target, wearing my cute "sun hat" which I bought at Target with my "beach shoes" and "beach bag" and wearing a full-body snowsuit (I have body image issues).

"Hey, you guys-look how cute my flip flops are! I know-only $10 at Target! Man, this sand is kind of hard to walk in. I don't think I've used these muscles before--ha ha ha! Did that hot lifeguard just say I was walking like a retarded duck? Whoops-I lost one of my flip flops, and I think I just broke my ankle. Okay forget this-I'm walking barefoot. HOLYMOTHEROFGOD THE SAND IS SO FUCKING HOT I CAN ACTUALLY SMELL THE FLESH BURNING OFF OF THE BOTTOM OF MY FEET!!!!!!!"

2. I hate sand part 2. Sand...gets...everywhere. And I mean everywhere. In your hair, eyes, ears, toes, fingers, no-no places and yes-yes places (these could be different things to different people).

3. I hate really hot weather. When the mercury rises to above 80 degrees, it's time for Sarah to go back inside. There is nothing fun or enjoyable about frizzy hair, bright red cheeks and butt sweat.

4. Sunburn. I have a relatively dark complexion so I don't usually sunburn unless I am out in the sun for a long time, like say, if I were at a beach or something. The biggest issue I have with sunburn is that since my nose is bigger than the average elephant's, it is 4 trillion times closer to the sun than the rest of my face, and therefore I spend most summers looking like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

5. Beached whale. Is what I look like when I lay out on the beach.

6. The ocean. It has been well documented that I have a pretty intense fear of the ocean. Actually make that, I have an intense fear of what lives in the ocean. Namely sharks. I love to swim, and honestly I am an excellent swimmer. I just don't like swimming into the mouths of man-eating death machines whose only purpose on Earth, literally, is to eat other living beings. I hear a lot of arguments that this is an irrational fear. I'm sorry, I'm going to have to disagree. An irrational fear is being afraid of bathing. It is not irrational to be afraid of this. Even if I did buy into the hype that sharks don't mean to hurt humans (aww--that is so sweet), and that usually when a shark bites someone it's to get a taste before they realize it's not what they wanted, I would still hate them. Maybe it's just because my personal definition of "taste" doesn't mean "whole left side of my torso". But hey-potato, potahto.

Monday, January 10, 2005

Things I need to share before I sleep

"The Bachelorette" - amazing. I hate the control this show has over me this season, but I can't help it. Danielle, D (my sister, Diane) and I watched it tonight and all agreed it could not have been more stretched out. The first 40 minutes were so slow, I almost killed Danielle for fun. But then we got to meet the guys. The 3 of us had a special rating system, and I'm sorry to say that on a scale of 1-10, there were only about three 8's and like five or six 7's. Everyone else was below that--including the guy who earned an instant 2 with this gem: "I really like to work out. I wear a lot of tight-fitting clothes." Needless to say he did not get picked. Oh it also might have had something to do with the fact that he FAINTED DURING THE ROSE CEREMONY!!! It was fantastic. What a douchebag.

Condo Plan - for those who don't know, I am currently in the market for a condo. Since all the plans I had for this year (and the rest of my life) moved to Baltimore, I needed to regroup, and that is when I came up with the Condo Plan. Anyways, I just watched the last half hour of "Chasing Liberty" with screen legend Mandy Moore and British-guy-who-won't-ever-be-in-anything-else. I actually thought it was a sweet movie, and it got me thinking about B and how I honestly never thought in the 2 years we were together that there would be a time that we weren't together. So now I'm facing the rest of my life without him, and I need to implement the Condo Plan, and I have no point right now except to say that I am absolutely panicking. All of this from a Mandy Moore movie.

John - called me a sycophant today. Okay so I didn't immediately know what that meant so I had to look it up. Don't judge me-you didn't know it either. Here is what it means:

"n : a person who tries to please someone in order to gain a personal advantage"

Okay-so far to my feeble brain this doesn't seem too bad even though it vaguely sounded like maybe he was calling me a whore, but then I looked at the synonyms:

"toady, crawler, lackey"

Toady???? I've definitely heard of "toady", and I'll tell you where. You may remember this quote from a certain movie:

"Grover Dill! Scut Farkus' little toady. Mean! Rotten! His lips curled over his green teeth."

Yes that's right--it's from "A Christmas Story". John basically called me Grover Dill.

Okay I promise I'm done now. I better go brush my green teeth and go to bed.

Mystery solved

Okay the lady next to me is eating her lunch (normal time to eat lunch), and that is what smells. Yes it's disturbing that her food smells like urine but not as disturbing as it would have been if I had discovered that the smell really WAS urine.


It smells like pee in here. I must locate the source.

The separation heard round the world

You guys, we need to talk about something very important. I've been avoiding it because, frankly, it's just too painful. But I can't stay silent any longer. I think you all know what I'm referring to--Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt's split.

I have been scouring the Internet for an explanation as to why this is happening but so far no luck. What the hell is going on? Do you think it's something we did? I know we shouldn't blame ourselves. I mean, they both still love us very much and will probably share custody of us. But I am just so sad. I haven't been this upset since Tom and Nicole split up. And to be perfectly honest I am still hoping for a reunion as far as that is concerned. And really don't get me started on Bruce and Demi. I've shed enough tears over that one already.

Making things harder for me is that my friend Kim is happy. She has always maintained that Jen married up when she married Brad, but she is only saying that because she has been obsessed with Brad since birth. Jen is cute and funny and has the best hair ever so you can bite me, Kim! Although I might only be saying that because I have a straight womancrush on Jennifer.

Anyway, since there's a pretty good chance that Brad and Jennifer are reading this, I would like to say something to them:

Brad, Jen, please try to work this out. Think back to all the good times: Brad's guest star turn on "Friends", getting matching highlights for your wedding, suing your wedding ring designer for replicating your unique wedding band design. Doesn't any of that mean anything to you? If it helps, I would be willing to go to counseling with you guys. Just think about it. You need to find a way to make this work. You owe it to yourselves. You owe it to us. And you owe it to your unbelievably hot future children.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

Remembering Matt

This is a picture of me and one of my closest friends, Matt. It was taken on the last day of our senior year of high school almost 10 years ago. (Yes, those are marching band lockers behind us and yes, I have a grown-out perm. You guys are fine.)

Two years ago today Matt passed away. While leaving a Browns-Steelers game in Pittsburgh on January 5, 2003, he was hit by a car. He was in a coma for three days before his poor damaged body gave out. He was 25 and had been married to a beautiful girl named Brooke for only two months. I think of Matt all the time, and this picture sits on my dresser so I can see him all the time. Sometimes I miss him so much I lose my breath-like I've been punched in the stomach.

Matt was beautiful inside and out. He was so funny and so smart--literally the most brilliant person I've ever known in real life. He had one of those loud voices that you could hear over everything even in a crowded bar--especially when he laughed--which probably would've annoyed me if it was anyone else, but with him it just made me smile. He helped me through Calculus, got me a job at Target so we could work together and made sure we spent time together on every college break. He gave the absolute best hugs. He loved work and beer and above everything else in the world, his wife. I think my favorite memories are when he would take me for rides in his sister's Miata (he even let me drive it once), and we would ride around and just talk about absolutely everything.

The thing I treasure most about Matt was that he truly cared about me, and he made sure I knew it. Since the day we met he was always telling me that I was the nicest and funniest girl he had ever met. He was the kind of person who laughed at everything I said so I felt really funny. I love those kind of people. To be honest I never really understood it--where all the affection came from. I was just grateful because he was so special, and it meant so much to have someone in my life who cared about me like that.

I honestly can't think of anything negative to say about Matt. Do you know how almost impossible that is? I mean, literally there is nothing I would've changed about him. He was a little cocky and over-confident, but he had the goods to back it up. He handed out unsolicited advice, but it was usually right-on and always endearing. I always knew it came from a place where his only intention was to help me and to look out for me.

On his wedding day I went up to him on the dance floor to tell him I was leaving, and he grabbed my hand and made me dance with him for the next two songs. It was great back then, but thinking about it now I can only think of it as an honor, really. I'll never forget as we were dancing he looked around the whole place, looked at his new wife and then gave me this big smile and said, "So this is like the greatest day ever. I'm feeling pretty lucky to be me right now."

Thinking about those words now is really hard and really tragic. Matty, I think about you every day and wish you could just come pick me up in the Miata so we could go ride around. I think about what you would've accomplished had you not had to leave us so soon. I just know with all my heart that you would've been successful in absolutely every area of your life--a brilliant worker, a wonderful father and husband, and a lifelong friend. I miss you so much, and I hope you know just how much I adored you and still do and always will.

Saturday, January 08, 2005


We had our first football game today in 2-3 inches of snow with lots and lots of snow coming down. When we first got to the fields I was like, "Goddammit, Steph, this is the worst fucking idea you have ever had in your whole life, and when I can feel my legs again I swear I am going to kick you in the shin." But then we started playing, and it was so much frickin' fun! We won, and I got an interception! My whole team jumped on me after it happened so then I spiked the ball and did a dance-you know, for the fans (Matt). That's 3 catches in 9 football games, people. I am the greatest football player ever.

Friday, January 07, 2005

Home Improvement

So I called B* last night to ask him a question about light bulbs. Light bulbs! It's true, you guys. You can even ask Diane. She was there. (And she was like, "What the fuck?"). Isn't that the lamest thing you've ever heard? I swear I will find any excuse just to talk to him. I have never been this pathetic before. Nor have I ever been this completely insane. I lost it last weekend when I talked to him, and he told me he was on his way to Home Depot to buy a new showerhead. I mean, I just lost my mind. Here's the scenario:

B: "I'm on my way to Home Depot to buy a showerhead."

Me: "Fascinating."

Me (thinking): "Oh my God he's buying a showerhead which means he's taking care of things around his house to make it a better place for him to live there and oh my God he really isn't coming back EVER!! He is just going to live there forever with his new showerhead and other newly implemented home improvements, and I am going to live alone forever with my Christmas tree up!!"

I have issues, you guys. I need professional help. And by professional help I mean my "Friends" DVDs.

*B is how I will refer to my ex from now on. Other contenders were StilllivesinCleveland and Poopy Face, but I went with B because it's the first initial of his name, and I'm just too damn lazy to type out either of those other two names. I'm sure right now you're thinking, 'I wish you were too damn lazy to type out this blog cuz holy shit this sucks' and to that I say, "You're a poopy face!"

Thursday, January 06, 2005


  • I hate it when people say "ASAP" out loud like in a sentence. WTF?

  • Only 4 more days until The Bachelorette! I am so annoyed with that show, and I want to never watch it again, but Jen is so cute, and she's from Cleveland! I have to show my support for a hometown girl whoring herself out to 25 guys and then picking whichever one she wants so she can appear with him on the cover of Us Weekly. There are so few of us left.

  • It's totally sweet not having a garage during an ice storm.

  • Okay seriously, you guys, "Lost" was so good last night I was actually clapping before, during and after it. I cannot handle this show. I mean where is Claire? Are Sayid and Shannon gonna get it on? What the hell did Kate do and what is the significance of the tiny airplane? What is Charlie Salinger's home address? I need answers to my questions, ABC!

  • Princess Diaries 2 was delightful and amazing, Steph!

  • Is the city of Lakewood ever going to collect trash again? It's been like 3 weeks. My place is starting to look like "Sanford & Son".

  • A really fun hobby of mine is to continue receiving all of my ex's mail and then sending it to him because he just changed his address with the post office 2 days ago even though he's been gone for a month.

  • I posted this in Scott's comments, but I feel I need to post it here as well:

    Can I just say to all the Clevelanders out there that if you can't drive at or above the speed limit in the rain, you should get the hell off the road? That's right just pull off to the side and let me pass you so it won't take me 45 minutes to go 12 miles like it did today because apparently winter comes as a surprise to you every year even though you've lived in the Snow Belt since 1971.

  • This is amazing. And this is even more amazing. And OMG this. Just...there are no words. Only pee in my pants.

  • John's comment #1: Ok listen sweetpants, I know you're amazing but I received a comment from Ontario, Canada on my second day of blogging. You are a superstar but there's no need for the outright "better than all of you" declaration. I mean you might be but if it's true and you really are better, you'd be more modest. I just realized that maybe you didn't realize Canada was a different country. If so then I apologize for being so hateful about it.

    My reply #1: I am sorry if I offended anyone. When I wrote that I was "better than all of you" I was being sarcastic, a concept that was obviously lost on John. Who knows why he didn't get it. He used to get jokes like that. Maybe he is losing his memory from old age or maybe he caught poison ivy from someone since it is highly contagious. In any case, in no way did I literally mean that I was better than all of you. Clearly I'm not better than anyone (especially Baltimore) except maybe this guy and the guy who invented this. Oh and also John because everyone knows a reader from the Netherlands is worth more points than a reader from Canada. Nice try, loser!

  • John's comment #2: I'm just saying your tree picture is really in focus.

    My reply #2: It's out of focus on purpose. I like to squint at my tree and make the lights all blurry so that's why the picture is like that. I hope your period ends soon, John.


I noticed I got comments about my last post from two people I don't know. Can you guys believe that? Thank you for stopping by, new people! I hope you don't think I'm a total moron! One of them is even from the Netherlands. Do you hear that, Internet? The Netherlands!! After 2 days on the web, Okay Seriously has gone international! I am officially declaring myself "famous" and "better than all of you".

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

I can if I want

There are some advantages to living alone. For example, if I fall down the stairs and break my legs, no one will find me for a couple days. Wait...that wasn't the direction I was originally going. What I meant to say was I am never taking down my Christmas tree. I'm not even kidding. I love it so much, and it makes me so happy. Sometimes I hug it but only when I'm drunk or sober. You know what? It's MY apartment, and I can leave it up if I want to. I choose not to follow the general rules of holiday decoration removal. They are not the boss of me.

All I'm saying is that leaving your Christmas tree up is completely equal in greatness to living with the love of your life.

Posted by Hello

T-minus 165 minutes

Holy sh*t "Lost" is on tonight!!!!!! In less than 3 hours!! Thank you, ABC, for bringing this show to my life and for giving me back Charlie Salinger. We are in love.

I know what you're thinking right now but you're wrong-I am NOT pathetic in any way. It is cool to be 28 and obsessed with someone on TV. I haven't been this in love since Mike Seaver in '86.


I hereby retract my shout-out to Sharda after this spewing of word-vomit from her most recent email to me:

"I really like Jay Leno. He could totally take Conan."

Dammit Sharda I will punch you in the mouth right after I punch Jay Leno.

I probably hate you

Sorry to post something every 3 minutes, but a) I'm bored, b) I'm depressed, c) no one is reading this and d) you're fine. Read Danielle's blog: I probably hate you. She's a giant hor.

P.S. I want to give a shout-out to Sharda.

Tuesday, January 04, 2005


It's not so much that I am sad that he left as it is that I am completely and utterly destroyed inside, an empty shell of what I once was--not to exaggerate or anything. I have never been so depressed in my entire life, and all I want to do is crawl into my bed, get under the covers and sleep for 3 months. Is that too much to ask? I am so depressed, I have even agreed to play winter touch football in order to get myself out of the house. In case you didn't catch that it's WINTER touch the winter. And there is running involved. To quote Jim Carrey in "Liar, Liar", I HOLD MYSELF IN CONTEMPT!!

You're such a good listener, Internet!

Things that suck:
1. Getting dumped by the love of your life.
2. Running out of Salt & Vinegar Pringles.
3. Arby's Oven Mitt
4. Going to work
5. Whatever the hell new show I watched on NBC tonight. Holy crap end it now.
6. Russell Crowe. If you disagree with this, you are wrong.
7. "Steppin' Out" by Joe Jackson
8. This blog

Things that rule:
1. "Lost"
2. Buying new Salt & Vinegar Pringles
3. My TV
4. "Garden State" soundtrack
5. My winter flannel sheets
6. "Lost". Seriouslyit'ssogoodandifyoudisagreeIwillcutyou.
7. Will Ferrell
8. My new hair dryer
9. Baywatch, obviously

There's one more Thing that Rules than Thing that Sucks because my sister, Diane, says I have to be positive. Blah blah blah. I'm so positive I want to punch Jay Leno in the mouth. That sounds like a negative thing, but if you've ever seen his monologue on The Tonight Show, believe me--it's the best gift I could possibly give to this world.

Did I mention I was totally hot?

Am I right or am I right? Posted by Hello

I made Erik miss lunch today

Here is his blog: He doesn't say "poop" enough, but it's still cool.

'Sup Internet

I promise this will be the only post that starts with "'Sup". Well one of only a handful at least. My name is Sarah, and I started my blog today for several reasons:

1. My friend John started his three days ago, and I have to do everything he does except for pooping my pants. Okay just kidding I do that, too.

2. I have special gifts to share with the world: the gifts of being a bad writer and being only moderately funny.

3. A month ago a stupid boy reached into my chest with his bare hands, pulled out my beating heart and stomped on it over and over. Then he packed up all his stuff and moved back to Baltimore after moving here to be with me only 8 months earlier. I still really don't know why he left except that he felt like he "couldn't be happy here" but he "still loves me very, very much". So just as an FYI, if you ever find yourself in a position where you are pondering what is more appealing, me or Baltimore, apparently Baltimore is the way to go. If there were a list ranking US cities based on appeal, it might look something like this:

37. Baltimore
38. Sarah
39. Cincinnati (you guys, seriously--I'm much more appealing than Cincinnati)

So finding myself boyfriend-less and roommate-less, I needed to find something to do with my time that did not require exercise because exercise is hard, and I'm too tired.