I don't think you're ready for this jelly

Things that happened to me this morning:

Woke up late
Similar instances: Every single work day

Dropped $30 MAC foundation in the toilet
Similar instances: Once I got drunk at a bar and dropped my work pager in the toilet. Then I spent 3 drunken hours cleaning it with hand soap, Lysol and Q-tips. The pager was still broken. Sidenote: One time Renee knocked my contact case into the toilet while there was pee in there. Pee in the toilet not in my contact case.

Noticed my favorite jeans had a rip in the ass. Not along the seam, but across the right cheek area. And just FYI I wore them this past weekend in front of a lot of people.
Similar instances:
1. A few years ago I came back from lunch and realized my pants had split sometime during the morning. My lunch buddies totally lied about not noticing it. I went home and changed. I think the reason for the rip was that the pants were really ugly, and I refused to stop wearing them so God had to take matters into his own hands. Sidenote: I have had to go home and change pants several times due to ketchup and/or chocolate related incidents.

2. One glorious day a few years ago, my friend Kimmie and I got to hang out all day with the two hottest guys on the University of Toledo football team. Seriously they were/are two of the finest specimen on the plant. One of them can only be described as an Adonis--or maybe even THE Adonis. We went out to dinner and when I was climbing into Adonis's giant pick up truck, my pants ripped. I had a stroke and then almost started crying. I told everyone what happened, and they wanted to see. I didn't let them, but at least Adonis asked to see my butt. I think the reason they ripped is because I wore tighter jeans-you know for Adonis-and that combined with an approximate 17 foot step up into the cab of the truck... well...let's face it-the poor butt-seam never stood a chance. That or else I have the worst luck in the entire universe and there is no way that I would ever actually get to spend time with the hottest men on Earth without my pants ripping in front of them.

You may think that all this pants-ripping has given me a complex. And you're right. I mean, just how big is my ass? Apparently now it's even big enough and powerful enough to tear the actual denim-not even just along the seam. I don't want to sound paranoid, but you guys might want to steer clear of my backside for a while. I know it will be hard since so many people want to be around it and spend time there, but it's for your own good.