Thursday, January 20, 2005

I don't think you're ready for this jelly

Things that happened to me this morning:

Woke up late
Similar instances: Every single work day

Dropped $30 MAC foundation in the toilet
Similar instances: Once I got drunk at a bar and dropped my work pager in the toilet. Then I spent 3 drunken hours cleaning it with hand soap, Lysol and Q-tips. The pager was still broken. Sidenote: One time Renee knocked my contact case into the toilet while there was pee in there. Pee in the toilet not in my contact case.

Noticed my favorite jeans had a rip in the ass. Not along the seam, but across the right cheek area. And just FYI I wore them this past weekend in front of a lot of people.
Similar instances:
1. A few years ago I came back from lunch and realized my pants had split sometime during the morning. My lunch buddies totally lied about not noticing it. I went home and changed. I think the reason for the rip was that the pants were really ugly, and I refused to stop wearing them so God had to take matters into his own hands. Sidenote: I have had to go home and change pants several times due to ketchup and/or chocolate related incidents.

2. One glorious day a few years ago, my friend Kimmie and I got to hang out all day with the two hottest guys on the University of Toledo football team. Seriously they were/are two of the finest specimen on the plant. One of them can only be described as an Adonis--or maybe even THE Adonis. We went out to dinner and when I was climbing into Adonis's giant pick up truck, my pants ripped. I had a stroke and then almost started crying. I told everyone what happened, and they wanted to see. I didn't let them, but at least Adonis asked to see my butt. I think the reason they ripped is because I wore tighter jeans-you know for Adonis-and that combined with an approximate 17 foot step up into the cab of the truck... well...let's face it-the poor butt-seam never stood a chance. That or else I have the worst luck in the entire universe and there is no way that I would ever actually get to spend time with the hottest men on Earth without my pants ripping in front of them.

You may think that all this pants-ripping has given me a complex. And you're right. I mean, just how big is my ass? Apparently now it's even big enough and powerful enough to tear the actual denim-not even just along the seam. I don't want to sound paranoid, but you guys might want to steer clear of my backside for a while. I know it will be hard since so many people want to be around it and spend time there, but it's for your own good.

4 comments:

Erik with a K said...

I'm laughing and crying all at the same time. :-)

Carly said...

Yes but did you ever pull your jeans up by your belt loops, and have one of them come off in your hand?

"I quit, forget it, this job's too much for me...."

Johnny Virgil said...

Classic.

Boof said...

Never underestimate the power of ones' ass.

A big ass is a good ass!