Key Largo, Montego, baby why don't we go

I am not a beach person.

There. I said it. I'm sorry. I know 98% of you out there are, but I am just not one of those people. Now, that is not to say that I don't enjoy going to the beach every once in a while. I certainly do. Most beaches are absolutely beautiful, and usually if I am at a beach it means I am not stuck in a snow bank on the berm of Interstate 71 which is always good. Oh and, by the by, I'm not referring to the "beaches" of Cleveland which you can use for the approximately 3 weeks out of the year that it's not cold. I only go to those beaches if I am running low on dirty syringes or am part of a search party looking for dead bodies.

I'm talking about real beaches-the kind people travel to on purpose for vacation. Specifically, here are my problems with beaches:

1. I hate sand part 1. Oh my God I hate it. Here's a common scenario: I am wearing my cute "beach shoes" that I just bought at Target, carrying my cute "beach bag" also purchased at Target, wearing my cute "sun hat" which I bought at Target with my "beach shoes" and "beach bag" and wearing a full-body snowsuit (I have body image issues).

"Hey, you guys-look how cute my flip flops are! I know-only $10 at Target! Man, this sand is kind of hard to walk in. I don't think I've used these muscles before--ha ha ha! Did that hot lifeguard just say I was walking like a retarded duck? Whoops-I lost one of my flip flops, and I think I just broke my ankle. Okay forget this-I'm walking barefoot. HOLYMOTHEROFGOD THE SAND IS SO FUCKING HOT I CAN ACTUALLY SMELL THE FLESH BURNING OFF OF THE BOTTOM OF MY FEET!!!!!!!"

2. I hate sand part 2. Sand...gets...everywhere. And I mean everywhere. In your hair, eyes, ears, toes, fingers, no-no places and yes-yes places (these could be different things to different people).

3. I hate really hot weather. When the mercury rises to above 80 degrees, it's time for Sarah to go back inside. There is nothing fun or enjoyable about frizzy hair, bright red cheeks and butt sweat.

4. Sunburn. I have a relatively dark complexion so I don't usually sunburn unless I am out in the sun for a long time, like say, if I were at a beach or something. The biggest issue I have with sunburn is that since my nose is bigger than the average elephant's, it is 4 trillion times closer to the sun than the rest of my face, and therefore I spend most summers looking like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

5. Beached whale. Is what I look like when I lay out on the beach.

6. The ocean. It has been well documented that I have a pretty intense fear of the ocean. Actually make that, I have an intense fear of what lives in the ocean. Namely sharks. I love to swim, and honestly I am an excellent swimmer. I just don't like swimming into the mouths of man-eating death machines whose only purpose on Earth, literally, is to eat other living beings. I hear a lot of arguments that this is an irrational fear. I'm sorry, I'm going to have to disagree. An irrational fear is being afraid of bathing. It is not irrational to be afraid of this. Even if I did buy into the hype that sharks don't mean to hurt humans (aww--that is so sweet), and that usually when a shark bites someone it's to get a taste before they realize it's not what they wanted, I would still hate them. Maybe it's just because my personal definition of "taste" doesn't mean "whole left side of my torso". But hey-potato, potahto.