Love letters

Dear moisture,
Can you please come back to my skin? It misses you so much.

Dear Heater,
Quit blowing cold air into my apartment. Your function is inherent in your name. Quit sucking. I can only wear so many layers of clothes before I am rendered immobile.

Dear sweater that I wore yesterday,
You are not a half shirt so stop creeping up like you are one.

Dear Old Navy dressing room lady,
I know your job is really hard and requires a lot of concentration, but when you give me a dressing room and then 30 seconds later completely forget and treat me like I'm a big fat liar, it pisses me off. Also I am not stealing stuff so quit looking at me like I am and quit counting every piece of clothing in my hands before I go into the dressing room and then again when I come out. I already moved my shopping cart outside of your precious dressing room area because you were uncomfortable with it being in there so just calm down. You are dumb.

Dear homeless guy outside my building,
No I don't want to sit with you for a while. Thanks for the invite, though.