Thursday, December 23, 2010

Christmas Pre-show

Hey so...Christmas Eve is tomorrow.  I think I speak for every old person when I say, "How the fuck is it Christmas Eve already?"  Okay some of you probably would've left out the f-bomb, but I captured the sentiment correctly, I think.  Also, stop being a pussy and just use the f-bomb.

Here's what I've been up to:

- Two weeks ago we went to the Christmas Story house.  If you're in town, it's worth a quick look, but honestly it's overrated.  The best part is looking at it from the outside with the leg lamp in the window.  It's also fun to obnoxiously yell out quotes from the movie while other people are trying to enjoy their tour of the house and museum.  Try to go with Steph who will complain about how boring it is the entire time.  She was so angry with us for making her go.  It made it all worth it.  After that, we went to Great Lakes Brewing Company.  Then Bazaar Bizarre to see our friends CLE Clothing Company and Lindsayknits.  You should buy stuff from them because they are awesome and make quality things.  Also they are all really cute people.  After that it was Reddstone then YOLO Wine bar.  Then we went to The Harp.  Basically what I'm saying is we kind of did an impromptu pub crawl, and it was awesome.  My 5 week old nephew was with us for everything but the Christmas Story house.  He loves to party.  I love him so much it hurts.  Steph couldn't go to The Harp with us because she had to go officiate a wedding.



Oh sorry do you have questions about that?  Well, first of all, you read it right.  Steph-my little red-headed pistol of a friend who 5 years ago got ordained over the Internet-married two of her friends at a restaurant 2 weeks ago.  Let it sink in.  I'll wait. 

Here's how I found out:  Steph and I were supposed to be in a "modern day sleigh ride" parade that night.  Basically people with convertibles drive down the street with the top down, waving while Christmas music plays.  Totally normal thing to do.  So a few days before that was supposed to happen, I got this text message:  "Can't do the open sleigh ride convertible Saturday.  I have to perform a wedding at the [restaurant name redacted].  You read that correctly.  Sorry!  You can take my car tho and go without me."

I literally cannot tell you how many questions flooded my mind.  I was so overwhelmed with the need for more detail that I had to take time to compose my response.  Essentially what happened was a couple of her friends decided to get married on a whim, and Steph reminded them that she was Internet ordained.  That's all it took.

How does this happen in real life?  Because she is Steph.  And her life is not normal.  She finally admitted it after this.  A few things:

1.  She married them before their appetizers came.
2.  She forgot to do the rings.
3.  She put the wrong date on the marriage certificate.
4.  She wore a kimono.

I know you have a hundred more questions, but I have no answers for you.  This is it is.  Have I mentioned before that I love Steph?  You guys seriously need to find your own.  It is too much fun.

- Our annual Girls Christmas party was last Friday.  As usual it was filled with lots of wine, food and high pitched screams.  I don't know what the deal is with women, but when we get together our voices just get higher and higher.  What is that about?  Anyway, champagne was flowing that night.  Mostly through my veins.  I mean I drank A LOT of it.  A lot.  Like thinking about how much is almost embarassing.  It makes sense because I was hosting.  It's always good when the host is the drunkest person at the party.  People love going to parties with an asshole in charge.  I'm sure everyone loved it when, toward the end of the party, I blasted Jason Derulo and sang at the top of my lungs.  It was really Christmasy.  Other highlights:  Meg ballet dancing to "The Twelve Days of Christmas" as sung by John Denver and the Muppets, Carrie screaming about how much she loves Taylor Dane.  I know there were other highlights but my gawd I drank a lot of champagne.

[ed. note]: Why aren't you listening to "We Are Golden" by Mika right now?  It's so awesome.

- Steph had a Christmas party on Saturday after Diane somehow convinced her to at the last minute.  It was a wine tasting party.  We did this a couple years ago, and it was a complete drunken cluster.  Everyone brings a wine-white or red-two bottles of the same brand.  Then we wrap one up, and everyone tastes them all and picks their favorite red and favorite white.  Whoever brings the winning wine, wins all the extra bottles.  Two years ago, I won the white contest.  This year I won the white contest again.  I don't want to brag, but EAT IT, LOSER FRIENDS.  I'm just saying this is now like "my thing":  winning things at parties.  Woody doesn't drink wine so he brought Boone's Farm.  Obviously.  It was entered into the white contest so guess what that means?  Yep-I won a bottle of Boone's Farm.  Like that's punishment.  Please.  I live for cheap girly wine.  They might as well call it Sarah's Farm.  I hope they don't, though.  Trevor was at this party, too.  I'm not kidding-at 6 weeks he has a busier social life than I do.  Also look what Steph uses as a water dish for her dog:

[ed. note]: TV related stuff:  Stupid Christmas episode of "The Office" was great.  I wanted to be all whiny about how it's not the same show, and then it was amazing.  Stupid Dwight with his decoy snowmen making me pee my pants laughing and stupid Jim making me cry at his reaction to Pam's gift, and Daryl has a daughter (!), and Michael breaking down in the parking lot then walking Pam back inside so she wouldn't slip and then dressing up as Santa Claus.  Ugh.  So good!  What am I going to complain about, Office!?  Oh how about "Gossip Girl"?  Serena is awful.  Like 100% awful and nothing else.  Blair is amazing.  Also the right group won "The Sing-Off", right?  I totally voted for them.  So far, I'm on a 2 for 2 streak of picking the winner.  This clearly means I should be a judge on the show and that I should have sex with Nick Lachey.  Dude. Is. Hot.

- Last night was Christmas Happy Hour(s) at Meg's place.  This party also came to be after Diane convinced Meg to have it.  What is up with Diane talking people into having parties?  It's awesome.  I think it's so she can easily bring Trev.  He was at this one, too.  The girls fight over who gets to hold him.  They time each other and call "next".  I'm okay with it because when I'm around him when it's just the family, I'm a shameless baby hog.  I don't even care. Give him to me. Anyway Meg had decided she had too much wine at home and wanted help drinking it. Well we are really caring friends, and Meg needed our help so what choice did we have?  She needed us.  I was told this morning that we finished off about 15 bottles.  Holy hell.  We also had alcohol infused whipped cream.  Have you guys tried this stuff?  It's amazing.  Why did it take so long for this to be invented?  We were eating the chocolate kind out of little chocolate shot glasses along with some Bailey's.  At one point (after several glasses of wine, I should add), I decided I just wanted the whipped cream so I just put some of it on my hand and ate it with my finger.  So did Matt-only he didn't use any fingers.  It was just all kinds of wrong.  Let's leave it at that.  The best part?  It stained my hand.  Take a look:

Oh yeah-it looked like someone took a dump on my hand.  What's worse is that I was eating the whipped cream with my right index finger, and that finger had the same color stain.  So not only did it look like someone pooped on my hand, but it also looked like I stuck my finger up someone's ass.  It's really too bad that it eventually came off (after 27 washings) because I think it would've been interesting to see my coworkers' reactions to this.  "Sarah, what's on your hand?"  "'s...I mean...I went to a party last night.  It got...weird."

I think poopstain hands is as good a time as any to wish all of you a very Merry Christmas and/or Happy December 25th.  I realize I've been a bad blogger, but my resolution for 2011 is to pick up the pace again.  I appreciate all of you very much.  This year, as you know, is an extra special holiday at the Okay Seriously house because of the addition of my nephew Trevor.  I can't even begin to explain the impact his arrival has had on me.  Life without him is no longer a reality I want to think about ever.  And he's not even my son.  I'm sure those kinds of feelings are tenfold when it's your own kid.  Bonus previously unthought of impact:  When my sister and I go shopping we get to park in these spots now:

Even though Trev will have no idea what's happening on Christmas Day, just having him there is going to make this an absolutely amazing Christmas.  I truly and sincerely hope for the same kind of holiday for you all.

I'll meet you back here after the big day, and then we can stop being grateful for everything we have and start bitching about how New Year's is the worst holiday ever known to man. 

P.S.  I got a couple new watches for my birthday, and John said, "Maybe I should get a watch."  And I was like, "You should.  You're almost 40."  Then he said, "Well I have a Blackberry so I just get the time from that."  Then this happened:

Love you all.

Thursday, December 16, 2010

Hack this!

I'm sure there was a huge panic on the interweb today when 3 of you came to this blog and were met with a "this blog has been removed" message.  I was hacked, y'all.  (I'm using y'all because I'm currently listening to a Kenny Chesney song.)  Dinner was definitely not purchased for me before this violation took place which is some serious bullshit.  But don't worry-I'm still here...not updating regularly. 

Some things we need to talk about:

1.  So I don't particularly miss having my mind fucked every week by "Lost", but I do miss doing my recaps.  And I miss Matthew Fox on my tv with a stubbly beard.  There are still some good shows on, but not like that one, right?  I think "The Event" is testing me to see just how little I can care about characters in a TV show.  I had to let that one go as I realized a couple weeks ago in the middle of an episode, 'Hey you know what?  I just really don't give a shit.'  I am still loving "Hawaii Five-0".  I think this is for several reasons:  1) It's a procedural drama on CBS-the old people's network, and I am old now, 2) I like cop shows, 3) Just...he's so hot.  Alex O'Loughlin is seriously just so so hot.  And I love "Cougar Town", "Modern Family" and "Community".  They're all so effing hysterical.  Seriously I will marry Troy on "Community".  He is perfect every single week.

2.  Ryan Reynold and Scarlett Johansson, right??  In my mind they never really made sense which is an intelligent and kind thing to say seeing as I don't know either of them at all.  But I mean I will still sit here and judge them from my recliner while eating York Peppermint Patties.  Anyway, she seems blah.  He seems perfect in every single way imaginable.  So...inevitable?

3.  Vanessa Hudgens and Zac Efron!!  This is SHOCKING!  Also, kids, what are you doing breaking up at the same time as Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson?  You need better timing if you want to be on the cover of a magazine.

4.  Tell me you guys are watching "The Sing Off".  Because it is amazing.  I was obsessed with it last season, and I am so happy it's back.  Fellow viewers, the old timers should not be on this show, right?  Jerry whatever his name is?  He's like an actual Motown singer.  How is this fair that now he gets to be on an amateur competition?  The judges never say anything bad to him because he's like some legend or something.  Whatever!  Get an actual record deal and let some younger kids just starting out win this!  Also the full group version of "Use Somebody" last week was so good I almost peed.  Who's with me?  I can't stop talking about it.

5.  Tonight we went to see Straight No Chaser in concert.  If you ever get the chance to see them, do it.  They are so talented and really funny and entertaining.  Plus guys who can sing are hot.  Oh also if you have the chance, start drinking vodka at 3:30pm and then continue to drink vodka and wine until the concert starts.  Because that's what I did, and now I have same day hangover (SDH).  SDH doesn't feel good, but that's somewhat offsetted by the fact that, deep inside, I know it's really funny.


Friday, December 10, 2010

Okay Seriously's Gift Guide

A lot of you are regular readers of my dear friend, Johnny Virgil.  If you are, you know he's absolutely hilarious and a very talented writer.  When I say he's my friend, I actually mean he's my friend.  We knew each other "in real life" before we started the blogging thing.  Because of that, I can tell you that a) he's the real deal, b) he's wonderful in real life, too, c) he listens to good music and d) he once left me a voicemail consisting only of the most annoying sound ever in the whole world.

Well, JV has written a book.  Like an actual book.  It's full of true stories from his childhood-some you've read on the blog, some you haven't.  If you're a regular reader, you know that the stories about his childhood are his best ones.  The man paints a picture like no one's business. 

Yes okay maybe I'm slightly biased.  But people with talent should be supported, and JV has it in spades.  Reading this book will make you happy.  I know it with all my heart.  If only there were some kind of holiday coming up for which buying a book as a present would make perfect sense. 

If such a holiday exists, here's how you can obtain a copy or 20:
- Buy it from JV's Createspace store
- Buy it from Amazon
- Buy the Kindle version

Look at all those choices!  Could it be any easier to buy this book?  No, Chandler Bing.  It could not.

Speaking of supporting people with talent, I recently beat my 83 year old grandmother at Mexican Train, know.  Eat it, Grandma.

Also be on the lookout for my book "101 Ways to Look Busy at Work But Not Actually Be Working".  Man-wouldn't that be an awesome book?  Or maybe I'll write one called "Whatever-I Totally Did Not Drink a Bottle of Wine by Myself on my Birthday Just to Numb the Pain of Aging and the Realization That My Life is Passing Me By".  I'm kidding, family.  I mean about why I drank the wine.  I definitely drank the wine, though.

Buy Johnny Virgil's book!!

Sunday, December 05, 2010

Can I skip tomorrow?

Tomorrow is my 34th birthday.  And I would just like to say:  FUCK THIS AGING NONSENSE.  Note: I'm not handling this birthday well.  At least I will be spending it with my sister and nephew.  And old "Veronica Mars" episodes.  Man how much do we miss that show, Internet?  Am I right or am I right?  Give me some Logan Echolls immediately.

In my honor tomorrow, can you guys please bitch about how Daughtry and Santana have completely ruined the greatest song ever written??  Cuz this is some serious bullshit.  I honestly don't even know what to say about this.  You can't improve on perfection, people.  Why would you even attempt to create a better recording of this?  IT CANNOT BE DONE.  Santana, I almost expect this from you.  But Daughtry?  Why?  You're a hitmaker.  Your songs are awesome.  Why did you do this to me?  I feel betrayed.  And I'm angry.  Oh I'm angry.  The first time I heard it I was in my car.  My sister called, and we had this conversation:

Diane:  "Um...are you listening to the radio?"
Me:  "No I'm listening to my ipod."
Diane:  "Okay turn your radio to 104.1 and just try to stay calm."
Me:  "Okay weirdo."
I change the channel.  Pause.
My head explodes.

So yeah if you could spend tomorrow complaining about this, that would be an awesome birthday present.  I think tomorrow's a good day for Trevor to hear this song for the first time.  He's already familiar with Flo Rida.  Time to go old school.

P.S.  Another good birthday present would be if you could somehow introduce me to Def Leppard.  Also an iPad.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

Green Beans are my bitch

I know everyone (Nessa) is dying to know how my first year actually making something for Thanksgiving went.  Let's take a look at the scoreboard:

Number of fingers lost: 0
Number of burns: 0
Number of family members who got sick after eating said casserole: 0
Number of panic attacks: 2

Green bean casserole master, thy name is Sarah

About that last of the things that makes cooking so difficult for me is that I really honestly don't understand it.  I have no concept of why certain ingredients should go together, how cooking times are determined-none of it.  That's why I can't just "eyeball" ingredients or make things without a recipe.  It is endlessly frustrating to be so incredibly inept at something-especially something essential to everyday life and something by which I'm completely fascinated.  So because of this frustration, I tend to panic while cooking.  A lot.

My first attack was the night before Thanksgiving when I was pulling out a casserole dish.  I kept thinking I had the wrong size because it was so small.  Then I looked at my recipe and realized it served 6.  We had 10 people coming.  Freak Out #1 began.  I did the only obvious thing when you realize you don't have enough ingredients.  I called my mom.  I'm sure in her head she was like, "Explain to me why you're calling me instead of just heading to the store to buy more stuff?"  But she didn't say that to me.  Instead she calmed me down and made me see that this was just not that big of a deal.  So yeah, I was totally at the grocery store the day before Thanksgiving.  There was no one there.  And by no one I mean everyone in the entire world.  I seriously almost had to cut a bitch by the green beans. 

The second panic attack was while it was cooking on Thanksgiving day.  First of all, I had to assemble the casserole 3 minutes after a bunch of my family members showed up.  Naturally they wanted to talk to me to find out how I was doing which meant 5 people were literally standing and watching me make it.  My anxiety level was through the roof.  I immediately began sweating.  The thing is, everyone in my family knows that I am not a great cook.  So I felt a lot of pressure to get it right-all completely in my head, of course.  My family never had a doubt everything would be fine.  Anyway after it was in the oven for 15-20 minutes, it wasn't setting up.  It was still soupy, and that is where I really began to lose it.  See I made a creative choice to use French cut green beans rather than just the regular green beans.  I thought they'd look "more elegant" (green bean casserole is really elegant).  I was convinced the casserole was too liquidy all because I used the other kind of green beans, and I had just ruined everyone's Thanksgiving and I was officially a horrible cook/person.  This is why I am totally insane.  Because it took me less than 5 minutes to go from a little worried to "I am a bad person."  My aunt was like, "It will set up once it's out of the oven.  Calm down."  And she was right.  How did she know that?  How can I be someone who knows things like that?  Damn you, cooking!

Anyway, when it finally came time to eat it, it was absolutely delicious.  In fact, my dad decided not to have seconds this year because he's trying to lose weight.  However, he had seconds of the green bean casserole.  It was probably more out of fatherly support, but I appreciated it anyway. 

Even though most of my friends said that green bean casserole is ridiculously easy to make, I still feel a great sense of accomplishment.  I mean that's not saying much.  I feel a great sense of accomplishment when I remember to unplug my hair straightener in the morning.  But still.  I made something with ingredients, people ate it, no one died.  Mission accomplished.

A warning to all family and friends:  I will now make this for every single food-related event from now on.

I fully expect this dramatic Thanksgiving story to be turned into a made-for-TV movie.  Or at the very least to be on an upcoming episode of "Law & Order"-ripped from the headlines style.

How was everyone's Thanksgiving?

Music related but not Thanksgiving related P.S.:

1.  "The Time" by The Black Eyed Peas might be the worst song in the entire universe.  Not only is it just terrible in and of itself, but it also managed to ruin a classic song in the process.  I just...I feel violated when I hear it.  F-.

2.  I think it's highly possible Jason Derulo is just a computer generated creation-like that movie "S1m0ne" where a woman-completely computer generated-becomes a huge movie star.  But I just can't help myself:  I freaking love Jason Derulo and his possibly digital ass.  Sometimes he sings his own name.  Awesome.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Thanksgiving Day marching orders

Thanksgiving is in 2 days even though by my internal clock it feels like it should still be July of like 2007.  This Thanksgiving is a big one, you guys.  Sure it's my nephew's first, but that's not really what I'm talking about. 

This duties have been upgraded.

As you know, in past years my sister and I have been assigned "the relish tray".  Pickles, olives.  This is the extent of my mother's trust.  Two years ago my sister got called up to the majors-dessert.  At that time, I imagined a day I would be allowed near the kitchen in order to do more than just stir the gravy.  That day has come.  This year's assignment:

Green bean casserole

I don't need to tell you that this means a recipe, ingredients, oven time.  This is it, you guys. 

Now, is it true that I will be making this at my parents' house with my mother 3 feet away?  Yes.  As Johnny Virgil said, "It's like you're skydiving with the instructor attached to your back."  Actually it's more like I'm just in one of those wind machines, attached to the ceiling by wires with a picture of a sky in the background.  But no matter, there is an oven involved.  The threat of injury still exists and the threat of ruining a Thanksgiving dish still exists...kind of.  But not really. 

By the way, I already had to call my mom from the grocery store to ask her about buying the right kind of green beans.  Oh yeah.  I'm ready.

Everyone wish me luck.  Oh and while you're at it have a wonderful Thanksgiving full of love and family and friends and well made green bean casserole.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Living by the sword

So Steph writes letters.  I've told you that before, I think.  It's what she does.  Whether it's to commend or to complain, she's just a letter-writer.  I'm just saying the mayor might have a file on her.  She is also a Cavs season ticket holder.  The Cavs have a new sound effect when you're in the arena.  They play it after a free throw is made.  The sound is two swords being rubbed together.  And yes-I mean that literally.  It is not a euphemism, but I forgive you for automatically assuming that because I totally giggled as I typed it out. 
Anyway, I don't go to a lot of Cavs games even though I adore them.  I'm just more of a football kind of girl. So I haven't heard this noise, but apparently it is awful.  According to Steph and Meg it's really a piercing, grating-on-the-ears horror of a noise, like nails on a chalkboard.  They actually found themselves kind of hoping the Cavs would not make free throws. 

So after the game, Steph sent the Cavs an email.  I have not received permission to reprint the email.  Nor have I received permission to tell this story which is why after I hit 'Publish' I am leaving the country and assuming a new identity.  Anyway, she sent them an email explaining her love for the Cavs and the issues she had with the sound effect.  She even offered up some suggestions for different sounds that could replace the swords, such as the battle cry of a cavalier.  Obviously we all know what that sounds like.  I am always imitating the battle cry of a cavalier.  Question: The battle cry of a cavalier is screaming the lyrics to "Club Can't Handle Me" by Flo Rida while sitting in rush hour traffic, right?

Anyway, she sent this email, and the Cavs emailed her back that night!  They thanked her for her great feedback and explained that they would be playing with the volume and the richness of the sound.  Then they called her the next day and told her to let them know how the changes work.  If they don't, they want to know so they can come up with some new sound effects.  Okay first of all, hell yeah, Cavs organization.  Way to listen to the fans and take this stuff seriously.  You are awesome.  Second of all, Steph wrote an email to the Cavs, and they called her.

After telling us this story, Steph said, "I guess it's true-the pen is mightier than the sword."  Then I punched her in the face.  No actually I cried laughing because now that I am really old, I love cheesy jokes and people saying things that are a play on words. 

I guess I need to start writing letters.  I kind of thought posting it on the Internet on a site that as many as 6 people read would do it, but apparently not.  The Cavs have never written me.

I am too lazy to do a segue so...

What the eff is up with The Office lately?  Is it just me or is it stinking up the fake TV world that I pretend is real because I need professional help?  It's really been disappointing.  And I am really sad about it.  Am I the only one who thinks this?  Come on, Office!  Don't you remember Shun-Unshun?  The beet farm bed and breakfast?  Let's get back to the funny!


Monday, November 08, 2010

I'm in love

Big news in the Okay Seriously world.  Big.  Huge.  Right, Pretty Woman?  Please meet my new best friend, Trevor:

Those of you who follow my Twitter feed know that Trevor is my new nephew.  We can still call him Thunder, though.  In fact, when I sent out my baby announcement text to everyone, my friend AJ wrote:  "You could say Aunt Sarah has been thunder struck!"  Awesome.

Some facts about Trevor:

- He was born on Friday, November 5th.

- He was 7lb 7oz and 21 inches long.

- He likes his hands up by his face and one in his mouth.

- He poops a lot.

- He was born via c-section.

- He chowed down within about 20 minutes of being born, proving he is Drew's son.

- He was born on the 55th anniversary of the day Dr. Emmett Brown invented time travel.

- He is the cutest baby in the entire universe.

My sister handled labor like a champ-and a sailor.  Lots of swearing, people.  It was hard watching her in so much pain but hilarious every time she yelled "motherfucker!"  One time, mid-contraction, she stopped and yelled at me for eating an unhealthy breakfast.  The epidural they gave her made her so happy.  After a few hours of labor, though, it was clear Trevor was in some distress as his heartrate kept dropping.  So they took her back and got him out which was good because the cord was around his neck.  When he came out and they set him down, he immediately grabbed the clamp that was laying near him.

Diane and Drew didn't cry that much.  I cried about 17 times.  But seriously can you blame me?  Look at him!  He's perfect!

I mean for real.  So this was my entire weekend.  Aunt Sarah in poor Trev's face taking picture after picture.  I'm so happy, you guys, I don't even know what to do. 

Welcome to the world, little Trevor.  You've been blessed with two awesome parents and lots of family who all love you and will do anything for you.  I can't wait to watch you grow up and discover all the new and exciting things there are to see.  Especially hair bands.  This is going to be fun.

P.S.  Don't forget everybody-Conan is back tomorrow.  It's too much happiness for me to capture in one post.  Diane is very excited that Trevor was born right around the time of Conan's "rebirth".

Tuesday, November 02, 2010

Happy Halloween! How the hell is it November already!

Please guess what's happening in this picture:

That would be my brother-in-law, Drew, bobbing for apples.  "But Drew's not 10", you're saying.  I know, I know.  But Saturday was Suz and AJ's annual Halloween party, and Suz has wanted to do bobbing for apples for the past 5 years, and AJ has talked her out of it.  But she finally got her way this year, and I can honestly say my stomach still hurts from laughing so hard.  Watching your friends bob for apples should be its own workout regimen. 

You're probably wondering why it looks like Drew is wearing pajamas.  He is dressed as a bowling pin.  My sister, obviously, was a bowling ball. 

As you know, for the past three years I have won the Halloween trivia contest at this party thus drawing the ire and jealousy of my friends/sore losers.  However, Saturday I woke up feeling different.  I knew it was over.  And I was right.  I did not win the trivia contest.  I happily passed my torch of victory to our friend Tony.  Then I quietly told him to watch his back while walking to his car later that night.  Despite my loss, I tied for second place in the costume contest and won a prize.  Also my friend Tom had to leave early, and he said if he won anything he wanted me to have his prize.  What I'm trying to say is, for someone who lost, I sure brought home a lot of prizes.  How does that feel, friends?  Even when I lose, I win.  Eat it.

My costume?  I was a deviled egg.  I don't have a picture of me in the costume, but here it is on my living room floor:

I put some small pieces of red tissue paper on the "yolk" to be the paprika, and then this whole thing went over my head like a sandwich board.  This is a pretty sexy costume. 

Halloween night we handed out candy on my sister's front lawn...and on the news.  Yes.  We were on the news.  They were on my sister's street getting shots of little kids in their costumes.  Then the cameraman came over and set up his tripod on the corner of my sister's lawn and pointed the camera at us.  I didn't actually see the footage which is totally fine with me seeing as I was wearing a dorky Halloween sweatshirt that I have had for 15 years (seriously) and was stuffed into like 3 layers of clothing making me look like I weighed 500 pounds.  When I got to work today there was an email from a coworker that was sent to my entire team.  The subject line was "Sarah was on the news.  In a horrible sweatshirt."  Okay I made up that second sweatshirt line.  Thank God I didn't have on my usual headband with the light up pumpkins.

Oh also...

That is ALoyd's devil tail.  ALoyd, I just put your ass on the Internet.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Baby Baby Baby

Hey, gang (this is how my dad would greet you).  As you can see from my post earlier today, I have a new toy/boyfriend.  I bought myself a Droid 2.  It is amazing.  I am so obsessed with it I almost died 3 times today because I wasn't paying attention while I was walking.  You guys, for real, there's a very real chance I will never do anything else again. 

Warning:  It's about to get girly up in here.  It's time for a nephew update.  He is due in 15 days.  I am so excited I could throw up.  As of October 15th, the doctor predicted he weighed 6lb 2oz.  Also he jams his butt up into Diane's ribs and punches her in her va-jay-jay.  He is also laying on her bladder so she has to pee every 2 hours.  Pregnancy sounds fun.

We had the baby shower a few weeks ago.  The theme was the same theme they picked for their bedding.  Drew wanted jungle animals, and Diane wanted sports because she's kind of a boy.  So they found bedding that is jungle animals playing sports.  It is adorable.  Everything baby is adorable.  I predict I will be taking out a second mortgage on my home and/or selling my body for money by July of next year because I cannot stop buying presents for Thunder.

Anywho, the shower.  We put up some of the wallpaper border that matches the bedding in the party room so everyone could see what it looks like.  This was my idea, and it is essentially the most creative idea I've ever had. You can see the wallpaper here under the mantle:

Our centerpieces were all these stuffed jungle animals holding balls (ahahahaha-grow up, you guys).  They were holding footballs, soccer balls and basketballs, and then we had green and blue balloons tied to them.  For the favors we made my mom's famous cut out cookies in the shape of hippos, elephants and giraffes.

Drew's mom got the cake.  The woman who made it is amazing because this seriously looks exactly like the bedding. 

Diane and Drew were both ridiculously cute babies.  That's my sis on the left and Drew on the right.

Check out this lady...

She has grown exponentially since then.  Basically what I'm saying is, she is huge.  I mean it's only her belly that is big, but it. is. huuuuge.

Look what I made while we were making the cookies:

Ahahahaha-The Hippo Centipede.

Monday, October 25, 2010

Testes 1...2...3?

I'm blogging from my new Droid 2. If this works, we are golden.
Published with Blogger-droid v1.6.3

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

I be illin'

I have some SHOCKING news for you:  I'm sick.  I know.  Let it sink in.  "But, Sarah," you're saying.  "You're always so healthy.  You've only been sick like 17 times in the last year."  Seriously here is my reaction to this latest illness:  This is some serious bullshit.  How many effing times am I going to need antibiotics in a calendar year?  Cuz this is the third.  I will punch my immune system right in its...throat, I guess.  Normally you'd be like, "No don't attack your immune system because it will attack you back" but apparently mine won't, you guys.

Anyway, on top of feeling like absolutely crap, this is John's last week at my office.   Some of you know John aka Shop Dungarees.  I've talked about him many times before.  He's one of my very best friends.  We met 9 years ago and were friends almost instantly.  I eat lunch with him every day, and, truthfully, most days he's the only reason I get through the day without losing my soul completely. 

Well, he got a new job.  A promotion, actually, that he really deserves and is a long time coming.  He has not been happy at his job for at least 2 years and watching your best friend be that miserable day in and day out is incredibly hard.  So this new job is not only a great opportunity for my co-worker, John Dungarees, but is also a relief for my friend, Buttcolk Baby Arm.  I feel a weight lifted knowing he'll be in a better situation.  I'm just so so happy for him.

However-and you knew there would be a catch-this new job means he will be working in a different building, one not close to mine.  That means after 9 years of seeing each other pretty much every single day, well, we won't be anymore.  The number of times I have cried over this is ridiculous.  Also no less than 7 people have come up to me and asked, "I heard about John's promotion.  Are you okay?"  That is not normal.  But people are just used to seeing us together, and they know how close we are, and I'm fairly sure 40-50% of people at work think we are having an affair.  When Scott was still here, I think people were taking bets about which one I was sleeping with.  (Answer: both)

John was nice enough to create a visual depiction of our everyday lunch crew and how it has changed over the years:

Sarah John Scott Wayne SpecialDark Danielle
Sarah John Scott Wayne SpecialDark
Sarah John Scott Wayne
Sarah John Scott
Sarah John

This really helped me feel better about the situation.  Thanks, John.  Please everyone picture me slumped down in my cube slowly eating string cheese with a tear running down my face because that is my fate.

Despite how sad I am, I am staying positive because I don't want to bring John down during this exciting time.  Also we are not just work friends.  We are real friends, and I have a lot of real friends that I don't get to see every day, and it doesn't make us any less close.  I mean we still work for the same company, his building isn't so far from downtown that I can't drive out there for lunch sometimes plus it's only 10 minutes from my house which means I'll see him on days that I work from home.  That's still makes me luckier than most people.  Also it's not like he's moving to New York like some other jerk I know (IiiU, Scotty)

Sigh...I'm sad and sick and want my mommy.  Can someone knock me out until this week is over?

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Picture time

Saturday my family and I went to Amish country.  Can I just say every time I go there I spend the next few nights sitting up worrying about the Amish people getting hit by cars?  Come on, Amish people!  Please build your buggies out of something more sturdy!  We spent several hours going to stores and eating amazing Amish food, and this is the only picture I took.  Because I am a 13 year old boy.

A couple Sundays ago we threw my sister and Drew a baby shower.  It was really fun-especially when Drew, in all sincerity, called a teething ring a "chew toy".  Please check out what I got them:

Holy crap.  Look I know I'm the one who bought it so I am biased, but I seriously can't even deal with how awesome that is.  I sent this picture to my friend Sudha, and he wrote back, "Oh man that is awesome!!  Can you imagine how old those guys will be when we take him to his first concert?" 

Three weeks ago, we went to a Browns game.  I parked in the street at my sister's place and rode down with them.  When we got back to the house, there was a note on my sister's door.  You can probably guess where this is going.  Diane's neighbor backed into my brand new car.  I was so sad, I couldn't even go look at it so Drew volunteered to.  To be fair, the woman who hit it came running out when we pulled up and apologized profusely.  Plus she left a note.  A lot of people wouldn't have done that.  She was very sweet, and I could tell she was upset.  I obviously wasn't mad at her.  I mean seriously-with my driving history?  I have no room to be angry at anyone.  While it was being fixed, I had a rental car.  You guys, I have spent time on this blog making fun of the Chevy HHR. I have spent lots of time in real life making fun of the Chevy HHR.  Have a look at my rental car:

I asked the guy if they had anything else at all for me to drive, and he laughed in my face.  Oh no wait-that was karma.  Okay, I'm sure there are some Chevy HHR drivers out there, and in no way am I saying you and I couldn't be friends or that I would love you any less because you drive one of these.  That being said...what's wrong with you?  This car sucks more than anything has ever sucked before.  Do we even need to talk about the body style?  I mean, come on.  And now that I have driven it, I can say with 100% confidence:  This is the worst car ever invented.  The windows are so small, I couldn't see anything around me.  If I was at a stop light, I had to bend over so I could see when it turned green because my eyeline was literally above the top of the windshield.  When I changed lanes on the highway, I flipped on the signal, said a prayer, and went for it.  Meg sat in it, got out, walked up to me and said, "There are an awful lot of blind spots in that car.  I'm not sure how I feel about you driving it."  That's from Meg.  Not my mom. 

Obviously the first thing I did when I got the car was call my sister.  I was like, "I feel like everyone is looking at me and judging me."  She goes, "They are."

As I mentioned we went to a Browns game.  Well each year when it's time to buy tickets, it's a really stressful clusterfuck because we always have a bigger group and you can only get 4 tickets at a time and we have to organize who's buying what, etc.  This year, Diane called the group sales area to see if we could just buy all our tickets at once.  Group sales are usually used by actual groups-like charities and churches and Browns backers from other cities.  But they said if we could get enough people, then we could do it.  Well we ended up with 27 people going, and the group sales made it so we all got to sit together which was amazing.  The other thing about buying tickets through group sales?  They put the name of your group on the Jumbotron.  When Diane bought the tickets, they asked her what the name of our group was:

That's right.  She said "Diane's Friends".  I love my sister.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Meg's mash up

I had kind of a rough day yesterday so when I walked into my sister's place last night, I was semi-faking my cheerfulness.  However, within about 5 minutes, I was restored to pure happiness because of my friends.  Let me explain.

Yesterday was Meg's birthday.  All she wanted for her birthday was to watch the Britney Spears episode of "Glee" at someone's house with her friends while eating hot dogs and cake.  And for a present?  She wanted her friends to sing a Happy Birthday mash up.  For those of you who don't watch "Glee", a mash up is where you take two different songs and combine them into one song.  So, for example, on an episode of "Glee", the girls sang a mash up of "Halo" and "Walking on Sunshine", and it was awesome.  That is what Meg wanted. 

Friday, Steph sent out this email:

To: Peeps
From: Steph
Subject:  Meg's bday present --- start a salt water gargle now, we will sing like angels or Sarah

Meg only wants a Glee Mashup song for her birthday present (this is much
more affordable than we all expected given Meg's taste of fine
living...:)). Her request is that it includes Happy Birthday.

I took the liberty of providing lyrics. Performance will be next Tuesday
during Glee watching birthday party. Sing with spirit and use jazz hands. (and no, I'm not
Happy Birthday to you
Happy Birthday to you

You are the sunshine of my life
That's what I'll always be around
You are the apple of my eye
Forever you stay in my heart

Happy Birthday, Dear Meg
Happy Birthday to you

Sarah will lead with her voice of an angel and boys, follow Diane's lead,
feel free to throw in the harmony stuff I don't understand. This
will make Meg so happy and also, Glee is about Britney this week (the go to
password for all my computer systems at work) so you know I can't wait!

Again, nothing in this email is a joke, we are doing this! Yay!!!!! 

I was the last to arrive to the party, and after I stuffed some Little Ceasar's pizza in my face (that's right-Little Ceasar's. What's up, early 90's?), Steph declared it was time for us to "give Meg her present".  That is when Diane whipped out the video camera, and Lisa, who is a children's librarian, whipped out the musical instruments:

These are some awesomely old school, little kid instruments. 

We took our places at one end of the room with Meg watching us from the other, I hummed a starting note and we began.  And I really can't describe how awesome and hilarious it was.  Just picture 10 people in their 30's singing a birthday mash up while playing elementary school instruments and waving their jazz hands.  Is that even something you can picture? 

All I know is, Meg loved it, none of us could stop laughing, and I fell in love with my friends all over again.  Also I really need to get my hands on that video tape so I can delete the footage.

Also here is a reason I love my brother in law:

In case you can't read the sign in front of the pickles, it says: "Help yourself to some "Britney" spears."

On my way home I got this text message from Steph:  "We aren't normal."  No we are not.  But in the best possible way.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Smart Talk About Love

So somehow I just ended up on a site called Your Tango (what?) because I followed a link to a story about how Jaleel White (Urkel) is being accused of beating his baby mama.  Obviously.  Don't judge me.  I was getting depressed reading about how the Senate blocked the repeal of the Don't Ask, Don't Tell policy in the military (Absolutely disgusting, US government. Yes please risk your life for us, gay soldier, but shh-don't feel free to be who you are out in the open. Gross.) and how an 11 year old is being accused of murdering a 2 year old (I want to crawl into a dark hole reading things like this) so I needed to read some Urkel ridiculousness. 

But seriously wtf is Your Tango?  My post title is their tagline.  And it totally seems like smart talk about love all over that site.  Here are some examples of the articles I saw when I got there:

Dating Disaster: A Guy, A Girl, Her Gas

Sober Dating: How to Date Without Drinking [ed. note: Is this a joke?]

Why I Flirt With Everyone-Including Your Man

How to Fall In Love With Mr. Good Enough

Dating Disaster: I Kissed My Cousin [ed. note:  Fucking ew.]

What Do Men Think About Hair Weaves?

Inside the National Cougar Convention [ed. note: There's a convention??  That. Is. Fantastic.  My favorite quote from the article is from one of the college guys who went to the convention because he was bored.  A lady he was dancing with turned to him and said:  "It's okay, let Mama Cougar do all the talking."]  [ed. note on my ed. note: I am frighteningly close to being a woman who attends this convention and says things like "Does this stimulate you?"-another actual cougar quote.]

Revealed:  The Love Lives of Real-Life Vampires

Skip the Soulmate, Find a Trophy Husband

So obviously I bookmarked this site. 

Hey, we will have a post dedicated to new TV after this week, but did anyone watch "Hawaii 5-0"?  A few comments on this show:

1.  It was awesome.
2.  Aside from Friday Night Lights, it might have the hottest male cast on TV.
3.  Jin!
4.  Who the hell is Alex O'Loughlin, and where has he been all my life!?  He is insanely gorgeous.
5.  Seriously.  Three main guys in the cast, all hot.  Ladies, let's do this.

Thursday, September 09, 2010

Krusty's 2010

As usual the weather on Krusty's day was beautiful.  It's like the universe knows how important that day is so it makes sure the weather is perfect.  I was worried about getting weird tan lines right before I had to wear a strapless dress for Sharda's wedding so I brought like 20 kinds of sunscreen and put it on all of one time.  Really if you take away the binge drinking, I was like the mom at Krusty's.  In addition to the sunscreen, I brought hand sanitizer, Wet Ones, Aleve, toilet paper, paper towels, Off, Starburst and grapes-because "we need to eat some fruit". 

Steph had to leave Krusty's pretty early on.  The reason?  She had to throw up.  The reason?  She was too hungover from the night before.  Come on, Steph!  Getting drunk the night before Krusty's?  That's a rookie move.  But also...hilarious.

Meg's brother taught us a new drinking game that you play with cards, and I drank so much within the first few minutes that I was actually scared.  After we played it twice, Meg took a deep breath and said, "Maybe we should play something else."  Look I know some of you don't know Meg, but if Meg thinks a drinking game is excessive then it's about 20 times more excessive than the normal person can handle. 

Drew and Steph made up another game.  There was a woman near us playing some game involving tossing.  Unfortunately, the dress she was wearing didn't offer a lot of coverage, and when she would toss, sometimes her boob would pop out.  For real.  We were only at Krusty's for like a half hour when we first noticed.  So obviously Drew and Steph immediately made the rule that any time they saw a boob, they took two drinks.  Then more rules were added: drinks for seeing someone's underwear or butt cleavage, etc.  We're pretty classy people who don't tell others when their body parts are hanging out.  I'm just saying if you're ever in Cleveland, and you happen to notice that your skirt is tucked into your pantyhose or something, chances are good we are nearby drinking "in your honor".

I want to interject here and just say that my sister, who as you all know is pregnant, went to Krusty's despite not being able to drink and lasted all day long.  She is a rock star.  For real.

Music can make or break a party, and the bands this year were awesome.  Lt. Dan's New Legs was absolutely fantastic, and if you get the chance to see them, do it.  I was a dancing machine, and I only got beer spilled on me like 11 times.  I also got hit in the head with a beach ball like 72 times.  Can we just talk about the beach ball at concerts thing real quick?  Why is this fun?  Why must I spend my time-the time I am currently using to watch a band that I paid money to see-looking out for beach balls flying at my head.  I didn't come here to "kind of" play volleyball.  Just no, people.  No.  Moving on...

Later in the afternoon I made new friends:  Becky and Laura.  Becky and Laura happen to be readers of this blog (or used to be-I haven't been here in a while), and they are awesome.  Laura's brother works at Krusty's every year which is amazing.  Also one year at Krusty's Becky broke her arm*.  That is hardcore, you guys.  When you compare it to the two nails I broke this year, I really come off as a giant pussy.  You guys, that is not a nice word.  But it is funny.  Anyway, Becky and Laura are so nice and they came up to talk to me, and I immediately talked their ear off with stories that they have already read on the blog because let's face it-there's not much more to me.  Then I became uber creepy and made them exchange phone numbers with me.  I have trouble with boundaries.  Sorry, girls.  I am a talker and only slightly creepy when I'm sober, but it all gets magnified like tenfold when I'm drunk.  You girls are awesome, and I'm really glad I met you.  Great Northern rules (we talked about Great Northern, right?).

Since we had Prego with us, we didn't need to take a cab to the bar afterward.  Pregnancy seems fun.  Not drinking and driving your drunk friends around.  Anyway, we still played Cash Cab because that's what we do.  Matt used his iPhone to look up facts and then quizzed us on them.  We got none of them right.  After we missed 3, Meg goes, "Oh we lose.  I guess we have to get out of the car."  Then Diane suddenly pulled over and stopped the car and told us to get out.  There was riotous laughter followed by nervous laughter when she stayed pulled over and stared at us without saying anything just a little too long.  However, she didn't make us walk, though I wouldn't have blamed her if she did.

At the bar, Matt and I were standing at the bar so we could ask for more milk to be added to our White Russians (we are wimps) while everyone else was at a table behind us.  Matt and I decided we wanted food.  I had what I considered to be the greatest idea ever just then.  I was afraid if I ordered food for the two of us, everyone else would try to eat it.  So I ordered like $30 worth of food for the table to distract them while Matt and I at our mozzarella sticks and french fries which cost maybe $8.  At the time, I was like, "This is literally the best use of money ever."  The next day I was like, "Wait...whatthefuck?"  At some point later in night, Drew and Diane left-not because she was 6 months pregnant and tired, but because Drew was so wasted he needed to get to bed.  Meg also suddenly had to go so she could "get to Taco Bell before they closed".  She was so worried about not making it there so she left, and we looked at our watches.  It was 9:35.  Hey when you are old and you day drink, you are in bed by 11.  Which is why day drinking is amazing.

One thing I did not do this year:  lift up the skirt part of my skorts.  I am growing, you guys.  Maturing.  Tomorrow I tell you about how I did Karate Kid dance moves at Sharda's wedding.

*I'm almost positive it was her arm, but as I wrote it I was thinking, 'Wait was it her foot?'

Tuesday, September 07, 2010

Thunder Magnus update

So I have several posts almost finished but not finished enough so I can promise that this week, you will hear some good stories.  You will not, however, be seeing the pictures from said stories because I have seen them, and they are, how you say, incriminating.

Have a look at the latest pic of my nephew:

This was taken at week 29.  She's currently at 31 weeks.  He moves all night long and barely moves during the day which is really convenient for when my sister is trying to sleep.  Also every time my parents are around and want to feel him, he stops moving.  Saturday Diane kept poking her stomach and saying, "Come on.  Grandma wants to feel you."  And I was like, "Stop poking him."  And Diane was like, "He needs to toughen up."  Already being pressured by Mom while still in the womb.  Good luck, kiddo.  At dinner on Saturday, my dad walked up to Diane, patted her on the belly and said, "Hey, tubby." 

Only 2 more months until I get to meet the little stinker, spoil him and then give him back to his parents when he starts to whine and/or poop.  Drew put all the furniture together, and I asked Diane what else they had to do to get ready.  She said, "Organize all the stuff in his room, pick a name, learn how to take care of a baby."  Awesome.

Thursday, September 02, 2010

I will punch the next "5-hour Energy" commercial I see in the face

Hear that loud whoosh sound?  That was August flying by.  What. the. eff.  seriously.  I'm sorry for the extended absence, but I have been so busy that essentially I never sit down at my house before 10pm, and the last thing I want to do is turn on my computer.  Tonight was my "free night" and yet this is the first real opportunity I've had to sit down.  See how it's after midnight?  This is what I like to call "bullcrap". 

Since it's so late, I'm going to phone it in.  Time for another edition of random text messages sitting in my cell phone inbox:

You were hilarious! Don't worry. Besides I made an aunt in a sari do "I like big butts" with me.

Homeless man just told me "I love it when u wear that dress." This means I prob made wrong choice right?

Fun game for my friends.  Who's boobs am I having lunch with? (the drink is bubbling and smoking) [ed. note: They are Meg's.]

Nice work.  I have Markinson.

Holy feet!  [ed. note:  You guys, these are my sister's feet from a couple weeks ago after her trip to Texas. W. T. F.]

Happy book clubbing.  I felt like in chapter 3 there was really good character development of Diane and how lame she is [ed. note: This is from my friend Jace. He and Diane are fake enemies. It provides me with endless hours of entertainment.]

I just said switcheroo in front of a high up manager.

new mexico states coach is named menzies

Let's hope for a penis up tuck.

Happy st. pats.  Hope you get effed by a leprechaun!

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

Stand by

I basically took a vacation from all things electronic.  But I am back starting tomorrow, and I will tell you about how on Saturday I walked my friend John around the dance floor like he was a dog.  Reminder: I am 33.

Tuesday, August 17, 2010


Guys, I haven't been home before 10pm in like 2 weeks so I apologize for no Krusty's update yet.  I am working on it, though, I promise.  In the meantime, please have a look at what I saw when I went into my Netflix queue today.

Seriously.  Also "Princess Protection Program" was awesome.  So are my image editing skills.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

West Virginia, you are special

It is 1:15am, and I just got off of a live chat with a McAfee technician, and my computer is finally back in working order. Krusty's post tonight because it is time for Okay Seriously to hit the sack.

In the meantime please enjoy the most hilarious story ever sent to me by my friend Erik who commented, "If I saw Eddie Campbell in a park at night with pants on, that's when I would know something was wrong."

Monday, August 09, 2010

How can it be over already?

You guys, I'm so sad another Krusty's has come and gone. It was, as usual, glorious. I need more time to write about it mostly because I spent my day today being hungover, doing lots of chores and napping. You know what's not a good idea to do at noon on the day after drinking for 12 hours? Wash your car for 2 hours in 85 degree weather. That was a bad choice of post-Krusty's activity. But I did spend the day in my D.A.R.E. t-shirt, and I totally resisted drugs and violence.

So more on that tomorrow, I swear. In the meantime, please enjoy my top 3 favorite text messages that I have received in the past couple weeks:

From Steph: "Are P Diddy and Puff Daddy the same person?" [ed. note: What's up, 10 years ago]

From Mike: "Let's hope for a penis up tuck" [ed. note: Don't even know what this one means... but yes. Just yes.]

From Meg who is in Tampa for work: "I just checked into my hotel in Tampa. There's a fetish convention going on at the hotel this week. I was greeted by two girls in fishnets, thong and bra. One holding a chihuahua and the other holding a whip." [ed. note: Amazing. Now Meg will blend in while wearing her work clothes.] [ed. note on my ed. note: I'm kidding. Meg has a normal job with normal clothes. She is not a whore for a living. I'm sure everyone thought I was being serious so it's a good thing I'm taking 10 minutes to explain that I don't hang out with hookers.]

Wednesday, August 04, 2010

Update on my nephew

Krusty's countdown: 4 days.

The latest picture:

At this point he kind of looks like a cross between Skeletor and the poster for the movie "One Missed Call":

But I mean no one looks good in black and white. I'm absolutely positive he will be the cutest baby ever born. He was 19 weeks in this picture, now he's 25. My sister's belly is getting big. I told her she was getting fat.

My sister and Drew are still trying to pick a name so in the meantime, we are calling him Thunder. That's the name our friend AJ wants them to pick. Thunder Magnus. Meg and Steph picked Magnus.

Thunder Magnus is going to rule.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

Why I haven't drank wine in a couple of weeks

Krusty's countdown: 5 days. Why haven't you bought your ticket yet?

Have you ever gone out drinking and then over the next few days, bits and pieces of the outing start to come back to you in flashes and you wonder if they're real or if your drunken mind was embellishing or maybe dreaming? That was Sharda's bachelorette party for me. It would go like this:

I'm laying in bed watching "Golden Girls" and suddenly I think, "Wait did I tell Sharda's coworker that I wear cardigans in the bathtub?" Or I'm reading through work emails on my Blackberry and responding to my manager, and an image of me, reflected in a mirror, dancing with an inflatable doll flashes in my mind.

That is what happened to me for 2 days after the bachelorette party. Dammit, bachelorette parties. Dammit, wine. Here's the thing, the bachelorette party was in Geneva on the Lake. If you've never been there, it's a small tourist town on Lake Erie. And there are A LOT of wineries there. And we had transportation to said wineries all night long. And I have no limits or boundaries when it comes to alcohol. So, yes, I did apparently tell a few of my friends and one of Sharda's coworkers that I am too tall to take a bath in my bathtub and therefore too much of my body is out of the tub thus I need to wear cardigans because I am cold. And at one point, I said I wore snowsuits in the bathtub. I'll be honest this conversation is hazy for me, but I have the distinct feeling it went on for waaay too long.

The first winery we went to was where we ate dinner, and I freaked out people who don't really know me that well by claiming Diane's baby as my own. Meg and Lindsay bought a sampler of every wine on the menu, and any time they felt one was too sweet, they gave it to me. Which was a lot. It was lovely. While at dinner, Steph started talking about "The Hills", and how she felt about the finale. She said that she felt like she had been invested in a 6 year relationship where she was being honest the whole time, and the other person wasn't, and she didn't find out about all the lying until 6 years in. In essence, she felt betrayed. At that point, my friend Renee turned to Steph, put a comforting hand on her shoulder and said, "That's exactly how I felt when [ex-husband's name here] was cheating on me." Steph looked at her nodded and said, "So you know then." Awesome.

The next winery started off with a bang when we pulled up and an insanely drunk woman first tried to get into the shuttle van which we had rented for the whole night and then into Diane's car, which transported the rest of us who couldn't fit into the van. Being pregnant at a bachelorette party seems fun and not annoying. Anyway this drunk lady walked up to the passenger door, looked at Christy who was sitting there and said, "Are you getting out?" Then Christy said, "This is our car." The lady, confused, looked at Diane and said, "Is this your car?" Diane said yes and the lady stumbled away. Diane went and parked the car, and the lady followed her. As Diane got out, drunk lady said, "Is this your vehicle?" I love drunk people.

This winery had a live band and a very party-like atmosphere. Immediately Brigid goes, "Oh my God. There are so many older ladies here. I'm going to go do some Mom dancing and try to attract them." Then she ran out onto the dance floor, and did a Mom Dance. And boy did it work. Immediately 3 drunk older ladies came running over to dance with us. They looooved us. One of them screamed out to Sharda not to go through with the wedding because it's the "biggest mistake of her life". Classy. Appropriate. This bar, unfortunately, closed early so it was on to the next one where we pulled up and saw a couple dressed up as a pirate and wench? I'm not sure what she was, but she was old-timey. We thought they worked there. They did not. I love those people.

Here is where I told my bathtub stories. And started taking candid pictures of my friends and captioning them-real time and out loud-to Renee who laughed really hard and made me feel funny even though, let's face it-after that much wine, there's no way I was funny.

Oh also, I should tell you that I was sick. Like for real sick. I had no voice. Just a raspy, laryngitis-y mess of a voice eeking out sound when it felt like it. Aloyd's sister, who is a nurse, grabbed a pen light and insisted on checking out my throat. She suspected I had an infection. I decided a couple more bottles of wine would take care of it. Brigid, who was wearing a really cute romper, calls that voice Lesbian Party Voice and proceeded to call me LPV all night long. Hmm...I was about to go in to this story about how I called her Romper and it turned into this thing that made us laugh so hard we almost peed, but I just now realize it's really only funny to us. And only when we're drunk.

When we got back to the hotel, Aloyd had bought us all pizza and it was waiting for us in the room. Is that not the sweetest thing you've ever heard? Seriously. So clutch, Aloyd. We devoured it within minutes. Then I danced with Peter Pecker-you guys remember him, right? Our faithful blow up doll who's been with us through good times (all bachelorette parties) and bad (bus accidents)? He is an excellent dancer. Sharda, our hammered bachelorette, made him do dirty things, but I can't show you those pictures. I am a lady (see: this entire post).

Eventually it was time to go to sleep so I went back to my room where I was told by Brigid that I was disgusting and would sleep alone on the sofa bed so as not to infect everyone around me with my crud. Then I didn't do anything weird and went straight to bed the end. Okay seriously...I don't know how to explain what happened next. So I was wearing a dress. Under the dress, I was wearing Spanx. For those of you not familiar, Spanx are body shapers. You wear them to help you suck it all in. For about the last hour of the night, I was lifting up my dress and exposing my Spanx for everyone to see. See that lady on the home page of the web site lifting up her skirt? That was me. I lifted up my skirt and would say, "You guys can't see my Spanx. Cuz their flesh tone." And which point I would snap them. I have no explanation for this behavior. I do the same thing with skorts when I am drunk. So after all the exposing of the Spanx, I'm sure my friends thought they were done having to look at them. But no. Back in the room, I took them off and held them up for everyone to see then proceeded to rub them all over everyone's bed. Why? Why did I do that? What was my end goal? What was I trying to do besides demonstrate that I am a) weird b) gross c) in need of an age reality check? I have problems. Hello my name is Sarah, and I am obsessed with props when I am drunk. Luckily my friends love me for who I am even when that means I am rubbing Spanx on their hotel bed. Let's be honest those comforters have worse things on them.

The next morning, any last remaining voice I had was gone and by the afternoon, I was sicker than I've been in a long time. It turns out Aloyd's sister was right. I did have an infection. I spent the rest of the week missing work, waiting 5 days for my voice to return and flashing back in horror to the Spanx incident. All in all, I'm giving this bachelorette party two enthusiastic thumbs up. Would recommend to a friend.

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Less than 2 weeks to the best day of the year

You guys, I totally have a boy at my house right now. He's laying in my lap and just finished licking my face. He likes it when I scratch his belly. Ah-now you're not sure if I'm talking about a dog or a real man. I'm tricky! Obviously I am talking about the Okay Seriously family dog, Henry. He is amazing and perfect. Let me just remind everyone what we're dealing with here:

Yeah. That's some serious cute right there.

Okay, Clevelanders, it's almost Krusty's time! August 7th at noon. This is literally the greatest party/day ever, and the best part is it's all for a wonderful cause-the Malachi House. The Malachi House provides hospice services to people who have limited or no financial resources. If that doesn't sound like something you want to support, head to the hospital immediately as you are dead inside. They have a MySpace page. I don't really understand MySpace, but you can totally watch videos of the drunken bat races that have taken place there.

The bands featured this year are The Curve and Lt. Dan's New Legs which is an absolutely fantastic name for a band. I actually saw The Curve this past weekend at the Tremont Ale Festival which was basically a party in a park where they gave you as much beer as you wanted for $30. I think the point was to try a bunch of different kinds of beer, but it totally turned into my friend Jen on stage with the band, dirty dancing with a giant Sam Adams cardboard cutout. Anywho, The Curve was fantastic. The girl who does lead vocals has an absolutely killer voice, and they totally play Pat Benetar and Michael Jackson. I'm not familiar with Lt. Dan's New Legs, but this is what's written on their web site: "Lt. Dan’s New Legs (LDNL) is a successful and high profile live hip-hop band that has toured many parts of the world. LDNL delivers the most current music to keep the party moving. Songs are merged so there are no breaks in the set. This creates an environment where it is almost impossible to stop dancing." So bring. it. the. eff. on.

Oh there is one other notable thing about this year's Krusty's: Steph is on the Malachi House board now. How did that happen? Here is exactly how that happened: Steph went to a community meeting for a neighborhood in which she does not technically live. Steph sat next to a woman who's on the board of the Malachi House. Steph left the meeting a Malachi House board member. That is how things work in Steph's world. So now she is actually part of the Krusty's planning process. Also at this same meeting, I'm fairly sure she was recruited by a local councilman to be a part of his campaign for when he runs for mayor in the future. Also...she got to talk to Karl, our Segway tour guide. Maybe I should start going to community meetings. Hahaha-that's a good one.

So...Clevelanders...go get your tickets. Let's do this. Still not sure? Read my recaps of Krusty's past. Understand the beautiful madness. 2009. 2008. 2007. 2006.

Tomorrow's post? Sharda's bachelorette party recap. A quick preview: We drank wine-lots of it. I was sick. Cab driver thinks I'm a lesbian. Romper. Spanx.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Grandparents are funny

Last Thursday my grandma called me and told me that she and my grandfather would like me to enter Susan Boyle's singing competition. When I laughed, she told me, "Now don't you just slough me off, young lady." A couple days ago, they mailed me a newspaper clipping from their local paper about the contest with this note:

"Dear Sarah -

Good Luck - Know you will do great and should be fun for you also.

Love - Grandma and Grandpa"

I promptly lost my voice the next day and have been so sick, I haven't been able to talk until today. Yesterday, that very grandma had to go to the hospital for heart arrhythmia. I called her tonight to see how she was doing, and the very first thing she said was, "Boy you'll do anything to get out of entering that contest."

1. My grandma is awesome.

2. I'm going to need her to get better so I don't completely lose it.

Let's end things on a lighter note. Last week in the store John held this up in my face and goes, "You just got Rip Rolled."

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Don't call it a comeback

"You are the worst at the internet. That is all. kisses, B" - my friend Biscuit re: me.

Have any truer words ever been spoken? For real, I was not purposely ignoring the blogosphere. I just have barely been home for the past couple weeks. I won't bore you with all the details of how I've been spending my time, but here are some highlights:

- World Cup. So I like soccer. It's a fun play. But watching it. Holy jeebus-I'm sorry, other countries and new American fans, but it is bo-ring. Every time someone breaks for the goal, the crowd goes nuts, and I'm like, "Just give it a second. It will immediately be sent back down to the other end of the field." And it always is. No one ever scores. Also enough with the horns. But I will say this: I went to a bar to watch the USA game (where we lost), and it was absolutely packed with hot guys. Like really, super hot young guys. So I shall suck it up and continue to pretend to be in love with this sport.

- Cleveland Wine Festival. Considering that 2 years ago I got so drunk I threw up all over myself and then fell down some stairs, I was justifiably scared for this event. However, Vomit never responded to my invitation and therefore did not make an appearance. Also there were no stairs, hence, no falling down them. Progress, people. Steph was a genius and came up with this idea to tell all the booths that her dad was a wine buyer for a grocery store chain, and they gave us tons of wine without taking our little drink tickets that I think maybe were there to control everyone's drinking? Lame! Also: Steph single-handedly almost knocked over a wine display after which Christy disowned her, and then we stuffed our faces with food. Then we made Prego (that's Diane) come pick us up and take us to get ice cream. Being pregnant seems fun especially when you have insensitive and thoughtless friends.

- Eclipse. A big group of us (and by us I mean inappropriately aged women) went to see the latest Twilight movie. Like the movies before it, it was ridiculous. And I loved it. Also: Taylor Lautner. Why are you so hot, Taylor Lautner? Why are you still 3 years away from being able to legally drink? When he first came on the screen, there was an audible gasp that moved throughout the theater. Also there were some frustrated sighs. From me and Jen. Because he had a shirt on. Then when he finally took it off, the oohs and aahs were even more audible. Especially from me and Jen. And I no longer feel guilty, you guys, cuz he is 18. Gimme.

- Fourth of July. The day before the holiday, we went to Columbus to visit some of our family. 1. My cousin got married in September, and he and his wife have been traveling the world ever since and just got home. I'm not kidding. How awesome is that? I can't believe someone I'm related to did something that cool. 2. We had to sit at the kids table. My mom said, "This table here is the kids table. Under 30." She quickly glanced at me and said, "I mean, under 35." Shut it, Mom. On the holiday, we went to the rooftop of Christy's new apartment building on the lake to watch fireworks. We were just far enough away that we couldn't hear the actual fireworks noises so Drew and I helpfully yelled out "Boom!" People enjoyed it. And by people I mean Drew and I.

- Jewelry making. Periodically, us girls like to get together for a "girls event". This time we went to a place where the entire place is filled with different beads, and you pick out what you want and make your own necklace or bracelet. I am what's called "not creative" so I was terrified. Note: Shannon, who planned this event, was so upset that I called myself not creative she went into supportive teacher/mom mode tand listed out all the reasons why I was wrong. I love Shannon. Anyway I was so stressed out trying to pick out the beads that I was dripping with sweat. I finally had to make one of the ladies who worked there help me pick it all out because I couldn't handle it. Then we sat and made our jewelry and drank wine and ate appetizers, and my friend Renee made me laugh so hard I almost peed. In the end I got some quality time with my ladies and a necklace that looks like a 4th grader could have made it. Now that I have been through it, I really want to do it again. The key is going in knowing what kind of necklace or bracelet you want to make. Also bring someone creative. Also bring Renee.

- My nephew. A couple weeks ago, my mom and I painted the nursery at my sister, Prego's, house. Then last weekend we helped her and Drew register for all her baby stuff. It was awesome and scary, and givememynephew. I can't even tell you how badly I want to meet him. He is definitely not cooked yet, but my sister has popped and is officially the cutest pregnant lady ever. I am already an overbearing and annoying aunt as I cannot stop rubbing and hugging her belly. It's awkward when she is trying to have a conversation with someone. For her, I mean. I really don't care.

- Smashed my arm into the bathroom door handle at work, smashed my shin into the side of my bathtub, stabbed myself in the eye with my mascara wand and rammed my hip into the corner of a church pew as I was walking up to sing. This last one was so hard, I could barely breathe, and I sang the wrong notes for the first line of the song. Afterward, a high school kid came up to me to tell me how much he enjoyed my singing then he asked me if I was in Strongsville Cantorum. Strongsville Cantorum is a high school choir. That I was in. 15 years ago. He asked me if I was in high school, you guys. Amazing and maybe insulting? Amsulting? Insultzing?

Four things before I sign off:

1. Tosh.0. Tell me you watch it. It's effing amazing. I don't like web clip shows so I was late to the party on this one. Then I watched one episode, and I was hooked. The videos are funny, but his commentary is absolutely mindblowingly hilarious.

2. Hot in Cleveland. Why am I in love with this show? I'll tell you why: 1. It's reminiscent of old school sitcoms. 2. Valerie Bertinelli is adorable 3. Really all the leads are very likeable. 4. It's in Cleveland, and they really don't make fun of it. Any ribbing is good natured. Valerie BertandErnie is married to a man from Cleveland, actually, and she loves this city. (Note: the BertandErnie is from "Family Guy" and still makes me laugh) 5. Betty White. That pretty much sums it up.

3. We'll talk about LeBron later. Because ew.

4. This is awesome: