Why I haven't drank wine in a couple of weeks

Krusty's countdown: 5 days. Why haven't you bought your ticket yet?

Have you ever gone out drinking and then over the next few days, bits and pieces of the outing start to come back to you in flashes and you wonder if they're real or if your drunken mind was embellishing or maybe dreaming? That was Sharda's bachelorette party for me. It would go like this:

I'm laying in bed watching "Golden Girls" and suddenly I think, "Wait did I tell Sharda's coworker that I wear cardigans in the bathtub?" Or I'm reading through work emails on my Blackberry and responding to my manager, and an image of me, reflected in a mirror, dancing with an inflatable doll flashes in my mind.

That is what happened to me for 2 days after the bachelorette party. Dammit, bachelorette parties. Dammit, wine. Here's the thing, the bachelorette party was in Geneva on the Lake. If you've never been there, it's a small tourist town on Lake Erie. And there are A LOT of wineries there. And we had transportation to said wineries all night long. And I have no limits or boundaries when it comes to alcohol. So, yes, I did apparently tell a few of my friends and one of Sharda's coworkers that I am too tall to take a bath in my bathtub and therefore too much of my body is out of the tub thus I need to wear cardigans because I am cold. And at one point, I said I wore snowsuits in the bathtub. I'll be honest this conversation is hazy for me, but I have the distinct feeling it went on for waaay too long.

The first winery we went to was where we ate dinner, and I freaked out people who don't really know me that well by claiming Diane's baby as my own. Meg and Lindsay bought a sampler of every wine on the menu, and any time they felt one was too sweet, they gave it to me. Which was a lot. It was lovely. While at dinner, Steph started talking about "The Hills", and how she felt about the finale. She said that she felt like she had been invested in a 6 year relationship where she was being honest the whole time, and the other person wasn't, and she didn't find out about all the lying until 6 years in. In essence, she felt betrayed. At that point, my friend Renee turned to Steph, put a comforting hand on her shoulder and said, "That's exactly how I felt when [ex-husband's name here] was cheating on me." Steph looked at her nodded and said, "So you know then." Awesome.

The next winery started off with a bang when we pulled up and an insanely drunk woman first tried to get into the shuttle van which we had rented for the whole night and then into Diane's car, which transported the rest of us who couldn't fit into the van. Being pregnant at a bachelorette party seems fun and not annoying. Anyway this drunk lady walked up to the passenger door, looked at Christy who was sitting there and said, "Are you getting out?" Then Christy said, "This is our car." The lady, confused, looked at Diane and said, "Is this your car?" Diane said yes and the lady stumbled away. Diane went and parked the car, and the lady followed her. As Diane got out, drunk lady said, "Is this your vehicle?" I love drunk people.

This winery had a live band and a very party-like atmosphere. Immediately Brigid goes, "Oh my God. There are so many older ladies here. I'm going to go do some Mom dancing and try to attract them." Then she ran out onto the dance floor, and did a Mom Dance. And boy did it work. Immediately 3 drunk older ladies came running over to dance with us. They looooved us. One of them screamed out to Sharda not to go through with the wedding because it's the "biggest mistake of her life". Classy. Appropriate. This bar, unfortunately, closed early so it was on to the next one where we pulled up and saw a couple dressed up as a pirate and a...bar wench? I'm not sure what she was, but she was old-timey. We thought they worked there. They did not. I love those people.

Here is where I told my bathtub stories. And started taking candid pictures of my friends and captioning them-real time and out loud-to Renee who laughed really hard and made me feel funny even though, let's face it-after that much wine, there's no way I was funny.

Oh also, I should tell you that I was sick. Like for real sick. I had no voice. Just a raspy, laryngitis-y mess of a voice eeking out sound when it felt like it. Aloyd's sister, who is a nurse, grabbed a pen light and insisted on checking out my throat. She suspected I had an infection. I decided a couple more bottles of wine would take care of it. Brigid, who was wearing a really cute romper, calls that voice Lesbian Party Voice and proceeded to call me LPV all night long. Hmm...I was about to go in to this story about how I called her Romper and it turned into this thing that made us laugh so hard we almost peed, but I just now realize it's really only funny to us. And only when we're drunk.

When we got back to the hotel, Aloyd had bought us all pizza and it was waiting for us in the room. Is that not the sweetest thing you've ever heard? Seriously. So clutch, Aloyd. We devoured it within minutes. Then I danced with Peter Pecker-you guys remember him, right? Our faithful blow up doll who's been with us through good times (all bachelorette parties) and bad (bus accidents)? He is an excellent dancer. Sharda, our hammered bachelorette, made him do dirty things, but I can't show you those pictures. I am a lady (see: this entire post).

Eventually it was time to go to sleep so I went back to my room where I was told by Brigid that I was disgusting and would sleep alone on the sofa bed so as not to infect everyone around me with my crud. Then I didn't do anything weird and went straight to bed the end. Okay seriously...I don't know how to explain what happened next. So I was wearing a dress. Under the dress, I was wearing Spanx. For those of you not familiar, Spanx are body shapers. You wear them to help you suck it all in. For about the last hour of the night, I was lifting up my dress and exposing my Spanx for everyone to see. See that lady on the home page of the web site lifting up her skirt? That was me. I lifted up my skirt and would say, "You guys can't see my Spanx. Cuz their flesh tone." And which point I would snap them. I have no explanation for this behavior. I do the same thing with skorts when I am drunk. So after all the exposing of the Spanx, I'm sure my friends thought they were done having to look at them. But no. Back in the room, I took them off and held them up for everyone to see then proceeded to rub them all over everyone's bed. Why? Why did I do that? What was my end goal? What was I trying to do besides demonstrate that I am a) weird b) gross c) in need of an age reality check? I have problems. Hello my name is Sarah, and I am obsessed with props when I am drunk. Luckily my friends love me for who I am even when that means I am rubbing Spanx on their hotel bed. Let's be honest those comforters have worse things on them.

The next morning, any last remaining voice I had was gone and by the afternoon, I was sicker than I've been in a long time. It turns out Aloyd's sister was right. I did have an infection. I spent the rest of the week missing work, waiting 5 days for my voice to return and flashing back in horror to the Spanx incident. All in all, I'm giving this bachelorette party two enthusiastic thumbs up. Would recommend to a friend.