Crash into me

Saturday was our friend Becky's bachelorette party, and as predicted, the night ended with Steph, Sharda and I in the back of a police car. Let me explain.

I'll start from the beginning. We started our day off by driving about 7,000 miles to a winery out in the middle of a cornfield for Becky's shower. Even the bride got lost on the way there. I knew we were far from home when all the houses around me were actually named and not only were they named, but they were displaying fancy signs with the name of their house and/or farm on them. The winery, however, was really nice and fun, and let me just tell you a shower at a winery is my kind of shower. But we were classy and only poured the correct amount of wine into our glasses. And of course the correct amount is roughly "all the way to the top-then a little bit more".

After the shower we drove to the hotel we'd be staying at that night. Well most people did. We drove to the wrong hotel and were waiting in the lobby for 10 minutes before we finally got someone on the phone who told us we were morons. Finally we went to the right hotel and found the group-but only after we went to the wrong room and knocked and the people in that room refused to open the door then we stood in the lobby for another 10 minutes not knowing where to go. The room we were supposed to be in ended up being the room directly next door to the wrong room we went to first. Things, so far, were going smoothly.

Once we were all in the right place, it was time for more drinking and raunchy presents. Steph and I got Becky what is basically a stick-on furry bikini and a chia pet in the shape of a man's twig and berries. It was maybe one of the funniest things I've ever seen, and as soon as Becky opened it Steph immediately threw me under the bus and said that I picked it all out. Which, by the way, is complete and utter bullhonkey. They don't sell that stuff at the stores where I shop, Steph (McDonald's, State Liquor Store).

Abby gave Becky perhaps the most useful gift: anal beads (welcome perverts who found my blog by searching on 'anal beads'!). Everybody was laughing and telling Abby how gross she was, and her defense was, "But I bought the small ones!" Like, 'Oh aren't I a good friend? I bought small anal beads because I care about you.'

After gross presents, I was hammered, and it was time to eat. We went to Wasabi, a Japanese steakhouse. It was so flipping fun. Our chefs made us sing and told jokes and were just amazing. They did that thing where they go around the table throwing food at everyone and you have to catch it in your mouth. Everyone was having trouble then he threw a piece at Diane and she caught it on the first try, and Sharda immediately yelled out, "Why are you so good at sports!?"

After dinner a party bus picked us up and drove to downtown Akron to go barhopping. Besides being a safe way for us to get around the city and having a back section with a stripper pole and mirrors, the bus also proved useful for displaying Peter Pecker, the anatomically correct inflatable doll we took with us, and his junk out the window. The first place we went had a mechanical bull. Watching Becky-drunk Becky-ride the mechanical bull was one of the happiest moments of my life. Shortly after that, Abby learned a tough lesson about standing too close to Steph when she's dancing. Steph accidentally punched her in the face. While I don't condone violence (unless it's against Juliet on Lost), and I'm sorry Abby got punched, this was absolutely hilarious. However, Steph lost her dance confidence after that and wouldn't dance. That is not okay. When Steph doesn't dance, we all lose.

More bars followed including one where the floor was so sticky, I had to perform my awesome "move your body without moving your feet" dance. At the last bar Becky tried to steal a flag that was hanging way out of her reach. She got two of her friends to try and lift her up to get it. Over and over and over. There was no reason which made it all the more awesome.

At about 1:45 we finally got back onto the party bus with Peter to head back to our hotel. At this point most of us had been drinking for about 14 hours, and we had kind of a long drive ahead of us. So naturally most of us fell asleep. At about 2:45 or so, all of us woke up with a start because of a loud noise, a bump and being thrown forward into each other. No one had any idea what the hell had just happened including the driver. He drove for about 1,000 feet until he finally slowed down the bus to a stop. We were in the middle of a highway. This one girl ran to the back of the bus (it was a converted school bus) to look out the back window. She turned around and said, "There's a car under the fucking bus."

We all looked, and sure enough, there was a car wedged under the back of the bus. I didn't want to go any closer because of the fear of what I might see, but Diane ran up to the back to look. She came back, sat down and said, "There is no way anyone survived that. The front of the car is gone. It's just...it's gone." Steph and I almost puked.

I know you're wondering what happened. We were on the highway going 60mph and a car rear ended us so hard that the entire front of it was wedged under the bus. Think about this. We were going 60mph in the same direction as this guy. He had to have been going at least 100-120mph in order to slam into us that hard. WHAT IS WRONG YOU WITH YOU, CRAZY DRIVER MAN!?

Oh it's okay I can yell at him. He is alive. The bus driver went out to survey the damage and told us that on the bus, we had a really bad angle and that the driver was alive and talking. Not only that, he got out of the car a few minutes later and was walking around. Then we found out there was another person in the car. A person who was not responding and bleeding from the head but breathing and alive. However, he/she was trapped in the car. They had to break through the rear windshield and jack up the bus to get him/her out. I have no idea if he/she is okay, but the EMTs seemed hopeful.

I know you can't have a favorite part of a horrible car accident because it's inappropriate, but what about two favorite parts?

1. Right after it happened, a car pulled in front of the bus-a big white SUV. A man got out to come back and help us. He was dressed all in white with a giant pimp hat on. I'm not kidding about this hat. It's like it was purchased at a store that catered only to pimps. Since he was dressed in white and the headlights were still on and pointed at him giving him an ethereal glow, we all decided he was our guardian pimp angel. I half expected him to come onto the bus and say, "How my bitches doin' in here? You hos okay?"

2. About 5 minutes after the EMTs got there-all of that time spent directly behind the bus working on the person in the car-Diane noticed that Peter Pecker was staring at them from the window, anatomy fully displayed, where we had propped him up earlier. How in the world you can save lives while an inflatable naked doll is staring at you I don't know. It's probably part of their training. We later heard the cops refer to Peter as "the doll".

Eventually the cops let us sit in their cars because it was about -400 million degrees outside. Then they took us back to the hotel. Can I just tell you that I have never been more painfully uncomfortable in my life than I was in that car? First of all there is no cushion. Just hard plastic. The cop said it's because it's hard to wash out "urine, blood and other juices". Hmm...what about puke, cop? Will it make it easier for you to clean up my puke because you really didn't need to say "juices". Also there is approximately 3 inches of leg room. Steph was okay because she's like 7 inches tall, but I couldn't even get in. I looked at the cop like, "Are you effing kidding me right now?" and he said, "Yeah it sucks when you're tall." then closed the door. You guys, I am never getting arrested. Not because I don't want to go to jail or anything, but because sitting in the back of a cop car makes me want to cut off my own legs. Oh and did I mention the giant high powered rifle sitting in the front seat? No thanks.

Seriously I am so glad that everyone is okay and alive. It could have been so much worse, but since it wasn't it sure does make it easier to remember Becky's party for all the fun we had and not the moron who can't drive. Seriously take a look at this. Keep in mind the bus was not at a complete stop. We were driving 60mph.














Smooth move, Ex-lax!