Lost was 2 hours last night. This might take you 2 hours to read.

Oh. My. God. I think it's going to be almost impossible for me to write about this in chronological order, but I will do my best. Just try and stay with me. Warnings:

1. Spoilers galore within.
2. People who don't watch Lost shouldn't read this. It will seriously be a waste of your time.
3. I'm like 99% sure the word "awesome" will appear upwards of 2700 times.
4. This post is LOOOONG. I thought about editing out a bunch of stuff and making it shorter, but I couldn't do it. If I lose you halfway through, I'm sorry.
5. I can't stop dropping the f-bomb when talking about this episode so you prudes out there might want to look away. Or learn to drop the f-bomb with me.

I don't know about you guys, but that was 2 of the best hours of television I have ever seen. When the show started, and everyone was saying their goodbyes to Jin, Sayid and Bernard, I was convinced the jig was up for Bernard. Diane and I both said, "I have a bad feeling Bernard's not going to make it out of this." Thank goodness we were wrong because how can you not love a guy whose wife makes him say things like, "I am a dentist. I am not Rambo."

When the first two explosions happened, instead of "BOOM" I heard "Boo-ya" because the revenge was so sweet. Hey, Ben, how about some fried Others with a side of Fuck You? By the way, nice effing shot, Bernard! Who knew? Poor Jin got stuck with the little handgun so he couldn't get a clean shot. As soon as he started crawling forward, I knew we were in for bumpy times.

I don't envy Jack in any way, shape or form. He only saw two explosions, but he absolutely could not go back. He would've risked the lives of everyone. He had an almost impossible decision to make, but he made the right choice. Even Sayid specifically told him not to turn back-not for any reason whatsoever. By the way, how awesome is Sayid? "I am willing to give my life if it means securing rescue." Um. You are amazing, Sayid

Ben is completely playing all his own people against each other, and they are catching on. Blonde bitch from the Looking Glass totally gave up the code because she was pissed at Ben. He is totally losing it, and something huge is about to happen with him and The Others. He will be overthrown. Perhaps by Locke? Boy Ben is a master manipulator, though. He got Bernard to talk by threatening to kill Jin. He asked who the 3 people were, took a couple seconds to think and picked Jin. It was a careful and calculated decision. He literally scares the crap out of me.

Sawyer is completely tortured by killing Locke's dad. He wanted it his whole life, but as is sometimes the case, what he thought he wanted may not have been exactly what he actually wanted. I knew he would end up volunteering to go back for them. As much as he tries to pretend he's disconnected from everyone, he cares about them like a family. Honestly it's probably the closest thing he's had to a family in a long time. When Juliet said she would go back with him and Jack said, "You don't need to do this." I was like, "Um, yes you do actually." She still needed to prove herself to me. And, you guys, I hate to say it, but she kind of did. I mean she still sucks with her little smirk and kissing Jack-I'm sorry WTF? Lay the hell off, hor. But…she helped them. So I need to cut her a bit of slack. But seriously she better keep her smirky lips off of Jack.

Okay we need to talk about the best 20ish minutes of the entire show. Ben confronting Jack on the hill and the beach scene.

First the confrontation on the hill. Okay I can't believe Ben tried to introduce himself to Naomi-like a normal introduction. Psycho! I was so hoping when he killed Sayid, Jin and Bernard that it wasn't real. Seriously when we first heard the gunshots, I almost immediately started writing a nasty letter to ABC. But then we realized we did not see it happen onscreen so there was a good chance they were still alive. Poor Jack was put in an impossible situation yet again. And again I think he did the right thing. He didn't have a choice. He couldn't trust Ben. He had to go with the best odds of getting the most people off the island.

But Oh. My. God. After Ben shot them, Jack just went after him and beat the ever-loving shit out of him. We were screaming. Baby, that was the payoff. We've all been waiting for it. Jack finally loses his freaking cool and goes all Sayid on Ben after trying to be so level-headed in earlier seasons. My God it was fantastic. What is it about this show that brings out my bloodlust? It's scary. But all of us were screaming, "Yeah-hit him harder!!" I thought it was particularly nice when he stopped beating on him, and there was a pause and then BAM-one more shot to the face for good measure. Then he picked up the walkie and told Tom he was coming to kill him. Not only that but later on he said he was keeping Ben alive so that he can see them get off the island and know he failed. Then he'll kill him. Jack, release that inner badass mofo, baby. You can keep crying since you are so good at it, but just keep the revenge coming.

An aside that has nothing to do with the confrontation on the hill or the beach scene: I love bloody Ben introducing Alex to her mother. Danielle is so moved to finally be able to touch her and talk to her, and what's the first thing she says? "Will you help me tie him up?" And Alex totally goes for it. Yes I will help you tie up this man I thought was my father. Hilarious and awesome.

OMG beach scene. Can we talk about the beach scene immediately please. When Sawyer and Juliet were spying on The Others keeping our Losties captive, I had completely forgotten that earlier in the show Sawyer, with tears in his eyes (beautiful moment), had told Hurley he couldn't come with them because he's too fat. So I was actually taken by surprise at what happened next in the beach scene. And what happened next was a whole lot of Hurley in the van RUNNING A MAN OVER. Let me try to write out exactly what Diane, Drew, Loyd's and my reaction was to that:

"HOLY FUCKING SHIT MOTHER OF ALL THAT IS-AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!" multiplied by 4 and at 100 million decibels.

Hurley, you sweet-and sick-son of a bitch! I knew you had it in you! Then when Sawyer picked up the gun, I figured he'd shoot the guy in front of Sayid. But no, Sayid went all Jack Bauer on the guy and tripped him then broke his fucking neck with his fucking legs! Are you kidding me!? So then I thought, 'There's no way it can get better and more badass than this.' And what happened? Tom surrendered, and Sawyer shot him anyway. "That's for taking the kid off the raft." Um, holy crap. As if that line wasn't awesome enough, this happened next:

Hurley: Dude it was over. He surrendered.
Sawyer: I didn't believe him.

Oh my holy Jesus. After that scene I turned to Diane, Drew and Loyd and said, "That one scene just made up for the entire season of 24 this year."

When Hurley started talking into the walkie, I was laughing so hard. He does not have an intimidating voice, but boy he was really trying. "Attention, Others. Come in, Others." Do The Others even know they are called The Others? "If you're listening to this, I want you to know that we got you bastards. And unless the rest of you want to be blown up, it's best to stay away from our beach!" Yeah, Hurley! You go! I love how he tells Jack he saved everyone. Jack's like, "Wait-Bernard and Jin and Sayid? They're with you?" and Hurley says, "Yeah dude I told you I saved them all." Man Hurley's awesome. And seriously when I realized that those three were alive, I wanted to kiss someone. But the boys were all the way across the room so I didn't.

Oh you guys. The scene in the forest. Jack loves Kate. And it's not just me saying it. He said it. He said it to her face, nonchalantly like it was a fact of his life, of his just being alive-like breathing. He loves her. Oh good Lord, I freaked out completely and made Drew rewind it so I could watch it again. Drew, Diane and Loyd complained, but I'll tell you what-you guys got off easy. If we had been at my house, and I was in charge of the controller, you guys might still be at my house and we'd be on the 7,000th viewing of that scene. I'll be honest here, I love action and everything, but I am a girlie-girl at my core, and I need my romance. Sarah happy.

Um…so Eye Patch. What is the freaking deal? A) Half the time he was on the screen I was like, "Can we get the eye patch back on please" because that was nasty. B) WHY DOESN'T HE EVER DIE!? I loved how Desmond burst out of the equipment locker all bare chested and did the one handed shoot-a-guy-with-a-spear-gun move. So classic.

Okay I guess the time has come to discuss Charlie. I've been avoiding it thinking if I just didn't talk about it, it would make it not true. How fantastic was he in this episode. Funny, brave, resigned to his fate but determined to do his duty. I honestly can't believe the writers went through with it. I brought Kleenex with me to Diane's house to prepare for such an event, and I'm glad I did because I needed it.

I loved when the blonde biatch called Ben to tell him that one of them was there, and he said, "Who?" and Charlie yelled, "It's Charlie! Tell him I said hi!" So funny. And he completely knew exactly what to say to that girl to get her to tell him the code. He turned her against Ben and told her it would piss him off. Perfect! And the code. The signal was jammed by a musician and unjammed (dejammed?) by a musician. It's fate. What I did not expect was to see Penny waiting on the other end of that screen. Why was she just sitting there? How is she connected to the Looking Glass? It must've been part of the Dharma Initiative which means she was too, yes?

Charlie's death scene was a bit perplexing to us. We kept saying, "Why didn't he get out of the room and then close the door?" Did he not have time? Or after the water had poured in, why didn't he go out of the port hole and swim to the surface? It seemed to me there were ways to avoid the drowning. But alas, he didn't, and I was/am devastated. They kind of didn't give his character much to do there in the middle, but when the show started out, I just felt he was such an important part of it. He and Hurley were the humor and the hope. I felt their friendship was the heart of the show. And now he's gone. Oh my God it's so depressing, I can't even talk about it. Except did anyone else notice that right before he died he did the sign of the cross thing? I don't know what it's called because I'm not Catholic, but you know what I mean. I didn't notice this until the second time I watched the episode. It's gut wrenching. Don't go back and watch it.

Do we believe Ben's story about Naomi bringing trouble? I think we do. And dammit that sucks. Um, Locke finally killed someone. In a totally disgusting way, too. Oh damn I almost forgot about Walt. WTF? Why was he there? The makeup department didn't do that great of a job covering up his 5 o'clock shadow. Seriously Walt's like 20 now. I'm pretty sure he drove himself to the show after his college classes were over for the day. What is the significance of bringing him back? So Locke told Jack when Jack was about to answer the guys on the radio, "You're not supposed to do this." How does he know that? Did Jacob tell him? I must find out immediately.

And that brings us to the very end. None of us saw the twist coming-that those were flash forwards and not flashbacks. The only thing we remarked on was that Jack was using a RAZR phone, and we were like, "Ooh that's a mistake. RAZRs weren't available back then." But we didn't think anything else of it. So to put it lightly, we were shocked as hell.

You guys, I loathed this look into the grim future. Jack is a mess. My God they did a good job making him a mess. He was seriously about to kill himself. And he and Kate are not together! Boo! But here is why I am holding onto hope. The first thing is that I don’t honestly feel the writers would reveal the ending to us with 3 seasons left to go. I believe this is a possible scenario for the future. But as Claire on "Heroes" said, "The future is not set in stone." Desmond is the reason this future isn't going to happen. I'm convinced. He saw the future. He knew Charlie had to go down to the Looking Glass. Because of this vision, Charlie found out that the boat is not Penny's boat. When Charlie first started writing on his hand, we all assumed it would be a message for Claire, but no. It was Charlie's final act of heroism. He gave them a chance to avoid the fate we saw in that glimpse of the future. Because now Desmond has the information they need to save themselves from whatever is on that boat thus steering them onto a different course. Not only that, but Penny now knows that Desmond is alive somewhere. And as I keep mentioning because I thought it was such a great moment, she already told him there is nowhere in the world she can't find him. She's coming, you guys!

Other questions that arose from this episode:
- Why was Penny on the other end of that video phone?
- What is on that boat?
- What is up with Locke?
- Why do some people heal and some don't?
- Why is Walt so freaky?
- Who's funeral was that? (My guess is Locke)
- Who is the 'He' Kate was referring to? (If it's Sawyer, I will cut someone)
- Why in the hell did Jack say he would go get his dad and bring him down so they can see who's drunker? Was that a drug-fueled statement or is his dad alive again?

Please, please discuss this show with me in the comments. I know I missed stuff in this epic novel I've written, plus I need to hear everyone's theories.

P.S. This show isn't coming back until February of 2008. That is 9 months, folks. I…am not okay with that. Not at all.