Friday, May 11, 2007

If you need me I'll be sleeping under my desk

Man I am totally worthless with this blog this week. I didn't even watch Grey's last night. See here's the thing-I am currently hungover. But I am eating cheese and peanut butter crackers, drinking lemonade and listening to "Current of Love" by David Hasselhoff on Hal so I am starting to feel a little better. What's that you say? You don't have David Hasselhoff on your iPod? Your loss! This is the only song of his that I have on there. It's the ending credits to Baywatch, a show for which I used to harbor a serious obsession. I'm not joking. My friend Renee and I lived together all through college and watched it religiously. It was so wonderfully cheesy and trying so hard to teach life lessons while at the same time objectifying women and showing off their boobies. Brilliant! As a result, I was a geniune fan of The Hoff way before it got cool to pretend you were a fan of The Hoff.

Speaking of David Hasselhoff, tell me you've all seen the video. The one his teenage daughter took of him completely and utterly wasted. Okay so I am sad for him and his kids because he is an admitted alcoholic and has fallen off the wagon and his bitch ex-wife so obviously released that tape which should've remained private. It makes me want to punch her right in the throat. Okay so we agree he has a problem. But here's the thing: if I had a nickel for every time I ate fast food off the floor when I was drunk, I'd have...roughly...a whole lot of nickels. I can't do math this morning. Leave me alone. Seriously who hasn't eaten off the floor when they were drunk? Isn't that, like, a rule or something of being drunk? My point is, people keep making a big deal about how he was eating, and I'm just saying to those people, tape yourself eating late night Taco Bell after drinking 8 cranberry and vodkas and then we'll talk. I mean one time I woke up in a hotel room after a wedding with almost my entire body covered in french fries and ketchup. Like John said, at least David Hasselhoff used a plate. That's almost sophisticated as far as drunk eating is concerned.

I did watch The Office last night, and ho. ly. shit. Spoilers to follow. How in the world does it keep getting better and better? I don't get how that's possible. When Andy was floating in the water in that sumo suit in the background of Michael's interview while he was complaining about him being missing, I almost threw up from laughing so hard (and from the vodka). And seriously Creed has been so awesome the past few episodes, and this time was no different. He grabbed a fish out of the water with his bare hand! Then you saw him later holding the fish skeleton and saying, "I didn't know we were having hot dogs." Good Lord.

Please tell me you heard Michael on the bus singing "The Gambler". They never actually showed him, but you could hear him singing, and it was amazing. How did the cast not completely lose their minds? And Stanley was awesome only trying to win so he didn't have to work for anyone in the office. I love Jim, "I've never seen a man's eyes look like that before. I thought I might die. At beach day." I can't believe Michael didn't let Toby go. I was so sad. He was all in his Hawaiian shirt and beach hat. Seriously all the bit players had awesome parts this episode. I love Oscar, "I might try dating women." What about when Michael asked him if he packed his Speedo "because you can't wear leather pants"? Awesome.

Okay Pam? PAM IS AWESOME! Look how she's totally becoming more independent and assertive. It's so wonderful! I was shocked by her speech after walking over the coals. First she called everyone out on not going to her art show. Then she said all that stuff to Jim. "Jim, I called off my wedding for you." And "There were a lot of reasons I shouldn't have been with Roy. But none of them mattered until you." Holy crap his girlfriend was sitting right there!! That was amazing! Please let Karen get the corporate job so our Jim and Pam can be together. Please!!

Okay so this post is not funny at all. I'm sorry. It's like there's enough vodka in my system to make me foggy and confused, but not enough to make this a drunk post which would be both hilarious and humiliating for my family. So today I'm recommending you go visit The Onion. One, because it's awesome and hilarious, and two, because I just went there and saw this headline: "Area Woman Not Yelling At You, She's Just Saying" and that made the lemonade come back up my esophagus a little bit.

13 comments:

Lindystar said...

I'm sorry but your wrong.

You posted about David Hasselhof being sofisticated eating off of a plate on the floor. (which is true)

That shit IS funny. And man seriously what a beotch ex. Skank.

H said...

There was this time when I was at this bachelorette party on a party bus and one of my friends had gotten a superdog and she eat about a quarter of it and dropped it on the floor of the very dirty bus (this was at the end of the night) and one of my other friends who is a TOTAL germophobe and does not believe in the five-second rule (let alone the 30 seconds on the floor of the extremely dirty bus rule) picked it up and ate it. Unbelievable.

The Office was awesome, not as funny as last week -- last week was, I think, the most hilarious episode ever -- but still awesome. My favorite line was when Dwight said "Funtivities?! I KNEW we weren't just going to the beach!"

Sarah said...

H, one time my drunk friend was eating a meatball sub in a cab, and she was leaning over the cabbie's shoulder from behind to obnoxiously talk to him, and he made a sudden stop and one of the meatballs fell out of the sandwich and rolled down the cabbie's sweater, and she picked it up off his lap, put it back in her sandwich and ate it.

Never. Never in my life have I laughed that hard. This was about a half hour after she walked by some police on the street and rubbed her hands up and down her body and said, "Hey! Wanna frisk me??"

Anonymous said...

OK...why will you call me out by name when i do dumb things (which I'll grant you is often) but not name Kimmie when she eats meatballs off of cab drivers. That was one of the best moments of my life to bear witness to! -Steph

Skeezix said...

My coworker thinks I'm crazy because nearly everytime I read your blog I bust out laughing. Loudly. She thinks I'm insane.

One halloween I stopped and got fries from a street vendor. My roommate I took them home and proceeded to lay our heads on the table next to the fries in order to eat them. Keeping our heads upright was entirely too much, but damnit we wanted those fries.

Pam rocked it last night. And I was screaming loudly when Creed grabbed the fish from the water.

Sarah said...

Steph, yeah I don't know why I did that. It was KIM!! KIM at a meatball off a cabbie's shirt! Is that better Steph?

Nessa said...

Best thing ever - someone commented on the youtube video...

"he's Kittfaced"

I nearly peed my pants.

Lindystar said...

My bad, I didn't realize that I needed to be drunk to eat of the floor.

Learn somethin new everyday.

H said...

Also, I was nearly asleep under my desk a couple days this week. Tuesday was the worst, because I had The Hangover From Hell. Never will I get drunk on a weeknight again, I swear.

Sassy Blondie said...

First of all, are you sure that cabbie was wearing a sweater?

Second, I agree with you about the ex. Plus, maybe if the Hoff left a little message that went all "Baldwin" on his daughter, she'd have thought twice about that shit.

Last, the Office rocked the house as usual. And I'm glad I wasn't the only person who seemed mesmerized by Michael's version of "The Gambler".

Dina D'Alessandro said...

I so want to make out with The Office.

Johnny Virgil said...

I thought the best office line was when Dwight was floundering around on the coals and michael said, "Ugh, that stinks!"

Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

The absolute best Baywatch is the one where Hasslehoff conducts Open Heart Surgery on a guy using a spoon. I shit you not. It was if the writers had a contest of how bizarre they could get before people would stop watching.