Friday, December 30, 2005

Why I hate New Year's by Okay Seriously

New Year's seriously sucks. When I was younger it was the most amazing holiday ever-especially the year my mom and dad got us the New Kids on the Block concert on Pay-Per-View. But now it sucks. For one, there is nothing on Pay-Per-View anymore except wrestling. Boo. Second, there's always a lot of build-up, and it's never as awesome as you think it's going to be.

After about the age of 25 is when New Year's really starts to suck the most. At that age, people are starting to get together in serious relationships, and you start to slightly panic about being closer to 30 than 20. Pair that with the fact that New Year's actually has a built-in activity only for the people who have dates, and it quickly earns the title of Worst Holiday Ever. The part leading up to midnight is awesome, but once the ball drops, well, really I just want to go sit in a corner and throw stuff at people who are with someone.

Look I am a secure person. Would it be nice to have a boyfriend? Sure-I want someone to cook for me. Do I need a boyfriend? Absolutely not. I can get Diane to cook for me sometimes. But at New Year's, it's like a rule of the holiday or something that you have to have a date. And that really blows. Even Valentine's Day isn't that bad because it's not a for real holiday. Plus I can buy myself chocolates. I can't kiss myself at midnight-at least not without causing some serious injury to my neck. Or without being arrested.

I think I can sum it up best by quoting my friend Mike. A few years ago on New Year's Eve, we counted down, "...5...4...3...2...1!" and almost everyone around us started kissing-like junior high makeout party style-and Mike raised his glass and said, "God I hate my life" and downed an entire Jack and Coke. Yes-that is how I feel every effing midnight of every effing New Year's Eve.

The real rub is that 2 out of the past 3 New Year's, I actually had a boyfriend, but I didn't get to kiss him at midnight because he lived in stupid Baltimore. Stupid Baltimore-obsessed mofo.

All that being said, I have decided maybe this year will be different. I say that every year, but I really think it might this time.

1 - I am kissing everyone. I don't care who you are-I am kissing you. If you're near me, I'm coming for you. You've been warned (Woody).

2 - Our little group actually has a pretty solid base of single people, and we are a force to be reckoned with. And by that I mean we do not respect the sanctity of anyone's relationship and will make out with whoever we please.

3 - Diane bought me some Moscato D'Asti for Christmas. Hell yeah, Diane. You're a good little sister.

I don't want to sound like a total New Year's grinch. Despite it's suckiness, I do enjoy getting to spend this day with my friends, and I know this year will be fun. I hope everyone has an awesome holiday. Please be safe-no drinking and driving. Just do one or the other. And make sure the one you do is drinking.

I just received this email from Steph-things are looking up!

"I just learned…you are not allowed to do laundry or wash the dishes on New Years Day…if you do, you are washing away good luck (excuse to be slobs).

You are supposed to wear new shoes…(excuse to shop?) because it symbolizes what will come this year…new shoes show new outlook, fresh foot forward, whereas old shoes, repeat the same.

And kiss at midnight to show you have warmth…(I’m dead inside, suddenly I have an excuse to not have to kiss someone at midnight).

And make loud noise at midnight to scare away evil. Evil and the devil hate loud noises, hence the noisemakers. This is also good to know, because I am a very loud person which means the devil hates me*."

This is great info. I need new shoes.

*It's true, you guys, Steph is very loud.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

Christmas 2005 Recap

Well another Christmas has come and gone. As usual, mine was amazing. I'm lucky enough to have all 4 of my grandparents still with me, and I got to see them all this year. That was definitely the best part of this year's holiday. Plus at dinner on Saturday my grandma said the sentence, "He has nuts coming out of his ears." And it was awesome.

On Friday my sister called me from Target and asked me if I needed anything while she was there. I told her what I needed and she wrapped it up and gave it to me for Christmas. As a result, this was my first Christmas present this year:

I'm not even going to act like I wasn't a little excited about it. As far as the rest of the presents I received are concerned, I made out like a friggin' bandit. I'm so spoiled it's ridiculous. So thank you Mom, Dad, Diane, Grandpas and Grandmas. Thank you so so much.

On Christmas day I attempted to help in the kitchen. Here's how that turned out:

I know the picture is blurry, but basically what you're looking at is my bleeding hand after I sliced it with a serrated bread knife.

I only got one thing that I wish I could return. And that's a major cold. I am finally sick. I knew it would happen after I was bragging to everyone that I hadn't gotten sick yet. Thankfully, the sickness held out until I was on vacation. And when I say 'thankfully' I mean that in the most sarcastic way possible. Goddamn common cold and your ill-timed arrival. You suck.

Anyway, I hope you all had wonderful holidays/weekends. I hope it was at least half as great as mine. I am off again tomorrow, and I have big plans. They involve watching my "Friends" DVDs and overdosing on Advil Cold & Sinus. Awesome!!

P.S. To the fuckers (yes I said the eff word) who did what you did to Gerbs and Shannon on CHRISTMAS DAY: I can't wait till you get what's coming to you. A-holes.

Friday, December 23, 2005

Merry Christmas!

My Christmas present to you guys is 2 very bad pictures. The first is the front of my condo.

I swear it looks better in person. And please don't say anything about the spiral tree. I know they are absolutely everywhere. When I bought it I just thought it was cute. I didn't think every 3rd house in the entire nation would end up having one, too. Copycats.

And here is a snowman I made when I was retarded. I mean 5. Like there's a difference.

I would just like to wish everyone a Merry Christmas. I hope everyone has a very happy and safe holiday. If you're not celebrating anything this weekend then have a very happy and safe weekend. See you next week!

Wednesday, December 21, 2005

Yay I love Christmas!

I have been insanely busy the past couple of weeks mostly doing Christmas-related activities. I don't think I can put into words just how much I love Christmas. Seriously. It makes me deliriously happy. Yes, yes I know-it's gotten too commercialized blah blah blah. I swear the complaints about Christmas becoming too commercialized are more annoying than it actually becoming more commercialized.

To me, Christmas is as commercial as you make it. I know it's hard when you walk into a mall, and it's all up in your grill (yes I just said that and no I can't get away with it) with the signs and the fake Santas and the elves and the music, etc. So the eff what? Look deeper. Look at the kids' faces that are getting their picture taken with Santa. Look at how hard the people around you are trying to find just the right gift for the person they care about. Look at the people dropping off gifts they bought for the Angel Tree or Operation Families First or a dozen other charities. The good stuff is there, people, you just have to look for it. Plus come on-pissed off high school kids dressed as elves? That's just plain awesome.

A small sample of things I love about Christmas:
- Getting to see my family
- Christmas cards from friends
- Christmas lights
- Eggnog
- Eggnog shakes from McDonald's (mmm....seriously)
- Christmas carols
- Hot chocolate by a roaring fire (or in my case, a heating vent)
- Cheesy Christmas movies/specials/HGTV and Food Network specials
- Christmas trees
- Christmas decorations
- My mom's cutout cookies (I can prove beyond any shadow of a doubt that these are the best cookies ever made in the history of time)
- People are generally nicer in my experience. I definitely am. Except for when I'm driving.

This doesn't even scratch the surface. I know I didn't put presents on there. Presents are a fantastic bonus of Christmas, but that's not really what it means to me. Whether you're religious or not, this holiday is about giving and loving and taking care of each other. It's okay-you can call me flaky or naive or whatever. I know I'm a little of both of those things. But I don't think it's wrong to be positive and hopeful that people really can, if they try, be nice to each other. What really matters to me is sitting with my friends at a Christmas party or with my family on Christmas Eve enjoying their company, not being able to stop smiling and knowing just how lucky I am to have them in my life. I hope everyone gets to feel the same way this year and not just at Christmas.

That being said, if I don't get an iPod Nano for Christmas, I am going to kill someone I swear to Baby Jesus. Just kidding, you guys. You shouldn’t swear to Baby Jesus.

Now, New Year's? That's another story. We will go into why New Year's sucks a giant nut later.

Oh and I heard there's some sort of debate about saying Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays or something like that. Look-I really don't want to get dragged down into this ridiculous argument, but I will just say this. If I go to a store and someone tells me to have a Happy Hanukkah I'm going to reply gleefully and with complete sincerity, "You too!" even though I am not Jewish because you know what? Being told to have a Happy Hanukkah is much better than being told to fuck off. Let's all gain some perspective here. That's all I'm saying.

Tuesday, December 20, 2005

Holiday shopping guide: gift ideas

For those of you in need of last minute gift ideas, might I suggest some homemade gift certificates? They even sell booklets of them where you fill in the blanks-much like Mad Libs tm. When my sister was about 10 or so, she handed these things out like crack to school children. Wait...does that analogy work? I think so as long as I am only talking about the first time. After the first time even the school children have to pay for it.

But I digress. You can use the ones my sister gave me for inspiration. Take a look. The green is what she filled in.

"This certificate entitles Pam & Sarah to be entertained with songs, dancing and jokes for however long by Diane." Boy-this is quite a present. Usually when Diane is performing songs for me she's annoying me with them, not entertaining me. However, anyone who has seen Diane dance knows it's quite entertaining if not downright hilarious. And I can honestly say after almost 27 years of knowing Diane, I have never heard her tell a joke. Not once. Neither of us are good joke-tellers. Really my Dad is the only one in the family who can tell a decent joke. When I tell them I set it up wonderfully then forget the punchline and give everyone joke blue balls. Not fun for anyone.

"This certificate entitles Sarah to talk on the telephone with Kori or Andi for 20 minutes each call without any interruptions." I got several of these each with different names and time limits. God forbid she actually let me get through an entire phone call without interrupting me. Nope it's 20 minutes and that's it. I think it's in her contract as a younger sister to bother me when I'm on the phone.

"This certificate entitles Sarah to borrow my clothes for 15 days." This makes perfect sense. When I borrow a shirt I get so excited that I'm allowed to wear it that I wear it for 15 days straight.

"This certificate entitles Sarah to borrow my tapes for 15 times. For each time you borrow you can keep it a day and a half." Honestly, Diane, where did you come up with these time limits. A day and a half? Loosen up, tape nazi.

"This certificate entitles Sarah to one extra-special Tasty Treat made especially by me!" I don't even know what this means, but I'm pretty sure the only thing she knew how to make at this age was ice cream with Magic Shell on top. Which, come to think of it, sounds pretty damn good. I think I'm going to cash this one in.

"This certificate entitles Sarah to whatever she wants besides cleaning her room." Oh yeah. D, you are so going to wish you never gave me this one. All I'm saying is I have a whole condo that needs cleaning right now which technically shouldn't be a problem as long as I don't ask you to clean my bedroom. Awesome.

I hope this helps you guys with your holiday shopping. Nothing says I waited till the last minute and then didn't want to deal with the mall quite like homemade gift certificates.

P.S. Christmas has come early for Sarah. Read this. Karsay is BACK, baby!!!! I love you, Steve Karsay! I will never give up hope of us procreating one day. I don't care what your wife-or the restraining order-says!!!!

Monday, December 19, 2005

5 Weird Habits

I got tagged by John, but I didn't really feel it.

5 Weird Habits:

1. When I eat Skittles, I eat all the orange, yellow and green ones first then I eat the red and purple last - 1 red and 1 purple at a time.

2. I chew on the inside of my cheeks and on my thumbs. This is weird because it hurts and looks disgusting, but I can't stop doing it. Somebody please help me.

3. I bounce my legs up and down really fast when I'm sitting down. I don't even notice that I do it, but then all of a sudden someone will say, "Why is the goddamn table shaking?" and I realize it's because of me. At this point people who know me really well will kick me or put their hand on my leg to stop it. Or to cop a feel. I can't tell which one. When it's Steph it's definitely to cop a feel.

4. I hate scary movies so much that when a new one comes out, I search the Internet to find out everything I can about it-especially all the gross parts-because it makes me less afraid of it. Isn't that the dumbest thing you've ever heard.

5. Cocaine.

Just kidding.

5 for real. Now we're getting into some seriously OCD stuff. When I put on deoderant in the morning (points for putting it on, lady who sits by me and obviously never wears it) I actually count the number of strokes. Then when I do the other armpit I have to do the same number. Holy crap what is wrong with me.

I honestly can't believe I just told the entire Internet that deoderant thing.

I tag SLCUPS, Violet and Abrasive Grace.

Friday, December 16, 2005

We listened to some Ray Parker Jr. tonight

Weird things happen when 15 girls get together for a Christmas party. New, higher pitched sound levels are achieved, and there is a lot of simultaneous oohing and ahhing. Such was the case tonight at our girls Christmas celebration. There was a lot of food, presents, laughing, clapping, wine and Kim dancing like an elf. I'm not even sure what an elf dances like exactly, but whatever Kim was doing in the kitchen at the end of the night was probably the closest a human being has come to mirroring the moves of an elf.

Thanks to all the girls who came and made this such a fun night and thanks to Sharda for letting Diane and I bully her into hosting it at her new house. Sharda, even though you have the scariest Christmas decoration ever in your kitchen, your house is still beautiful. I mean obviously it's haunted by the spirit of Pixie the Demon Chipmunk Elf Thingie now, but it's still pretty.

P.S. Sometimes I'm like, 'I wonder what it would be like to have a 16 pound growth on my face.' Well, it turns out it's really not that fun. Look at this article. Look at that poor girl. Holy. Effing. Shit. Are you kidding me?? I am never complaining about having a zit again. If you're so inclined during this season of giving, you can donate money towards her $95,000 worth of surgeries by going here. If not, it doesn't mean you are a bad person. It just means you hate kids.

P.P.S. 16 pounds

P.P.P.S. I may have accidentally flung dog poop in my neighbor's yard tonight. I don't know what to do about it, though. I tried to get it back, but ended up causing more of a mess. Neighbor, I'm so sorry. It was not intentional I swear. I am NOT a poop flinger. See I was aiming for those people across the street-you know the ones that have a Hummer that has to sit in the driveway all the time because it doesn't fit in the garage? Anyway, I was aiming for them since I know it was their dog, but instead it went completely to my left and is now in that giant snow pile in your yard. You will have a nice surprise when it all thaws. Sorry again.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

I just watched one tonight

Alright I'm just going to come out and say this as there's no really easy way to break it to you. You know those cheesy Christmas movies that are played constantly on Lifetime, the Hallmark channel, ABC Family, etc. around this time of year?

I am obsessed with those.

I can't help it. Goddammit I love those little buggers with their ridiculous story lines, cheesy dialogue, important life lesson and, usually, Patricia Heaton. I watch them all, and each one makes me warm and fuzzy inside. Mission accomplished Lifetime Television for Women. You sneaky little lady.

So now you know. And next time you see Olivia Newton-John breaking into a Christmas carol in a living room by a roaring fire, you will think of me and know that I am watching, and you will wish you were with me so you could punch me in the face.

Monday, December 12, 2005

Wine mm good

I just want to start off by saying that each year I am overwhelmed by the outpouring of love and kindness bestowed upon me on my birthday. This year was no different. Thank you so much to everyone for making me feel so special.

So...I met someone. Steph introduced us Saturday night. His name is Bricco. Well, Bricco Riella Moscato d'Asti is his full name. Oh don't get too excited. It's not a person. It's a sparkling white wine. Steph took us to the Oenotria Wine Bar in Little Italy (which rules so much everyone who's reading this should drop what they are doing and go there immediately), and then she bought a bottle of my new boyfriend. I fell in love instantly. Holy crap is that stuff good. We will be getting married soon and will be registered at our favorite place: State Liquor Store.

We hung out with the owners and all their friends at the wine bar. I can't remember how we became part of their group. Oh wait yes I can--it's because they were in the middle of a conversation, and drunk Steph was leaning so close to their table straining to hear that I jokingly said, "Hey, Steph, why don't you just pull up a chair?" and the next thing I knew she and Becky were moving our table over to theirs so we could be one big table. Tony and Sherrie, I have no idea why you guys didn't kick us out, but thank you. And thanks for letting us play charades with you. And for giving us free wine. And for being amazing.

A special shout out goes to poor Tito, our server, who took some abuse from the 4 drunk girls including being informed by Steph that he was her lover and letting us butcher his full Puerto Rican first name by calling him Gertrude. By the way, Tito, you should know that Sandra Bernhard hates you.

Oh also I'd like to apologize to all of Matt's co-workers for not realizing Steph had snuck off to crash your company Christmas party until it was too late. When Sharda and I found her she was eating all your food and poking Matt's butt with a shish kabob skewer. Matt then told me she had stolen his Christmas gift. When I went to take it out of her purse without her noticing and ended up pulling out a roll of toilet paper instead, I knew it was time to go home. I found out later the toilet paper had been stolen from the restaurant bathroom. She said she took the toilet paper because the hole in the roll was ridiculously small and "stupid". Then she gave it to me so I could blog about it and "tell the world". Here's the thing: she was right. Look at this shit:

That dime is bigger than the hole. What the eff kind of toilet paper is this? What the eff kind of toilet paper holder does it fit on? I am confused.

Anyway, I had a great time on Saturday thanks to Steph, Becky and Sharda. We need to do that more often. And by that I mean let Steph drink herself into oblivion and then let her loose on the city.

This morning I received a text message on my phone: "I am missing my stolen tp! Did u take it?" Dammit Steph. You + wine bar = good times.

P.S. I would like to say hi to Becky's friend Jeff who I hear is about to become my new best friend. Hello, Jeffy (Becky said I could call you that)! As our first order of business, I think we should go to the wine bar. You don't like Sandra Bernhard, do you?

Thursday, December 08, 2005

My weekend. This is really long-sorry.

Things I remember about Friday night:
wine, receiving a 40 oz. Mike's Hard Cranberry Lemonade (thanks, Paul and Jen!), dancing to "Since U Been Gone" on a chair, calling Diane's downstairs neighbors "fuckers" at 100 million decibals, saying something about assplay to...I'm not sure who, getting yelled at by Carrie for flirting with her husband and then her telling me 5 minutes later it was okay for me to have sex with him, being told that drunk Sarah scares the bejesus out of Woody, lots of people being nice to me and kissing me on the cheek, Bob asking me to have "rough sex" with him in the backseat of his car, being at a bar, a 23 year old kid telling me I looked only 24, me asking that kid to make out with me, begging Diane to take me to McDonald's and/or IHOP, her not taking me to either place

Things I don't remember about Friday night: 2 out of the 4 hours we were at my sister's apartment, how I got to the bar, many specific events at the bar, how I got home from the bar, moving from the couch to the bed

It was pretty awesome. If anyone out there can fill in the gaps for me, please feel free.

Saturday - the Cyndi Lauper concert
The first opener was Jill Sobule. I am slightly obsessed with her after this concert. Like 95% of the audience, I was not very familiar with her except for that one song that used to be on the radio ("I Kissed a Girl"), and to be honest I didn't really like that song. I expected to just talk my way through her act. Within about 2 minutes, though, she had completely endeared herself to the entire audience. She's a great singer. She's gracious, self-deprecating and absolutely effing HILARIOUS. I was laughing my ass off. She whipped this crowd of people who didn't know her into a frenzy by the end of her set, and I think we were all sorry to see her go. Really a great surprise.

This is where things went south in a big, big way. Sandra Bernhard was the second opening act. I was immediately turned off. There really are no words to describe how much I loathe Sandra Bernhard. We talk about people like Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie being famous despite having no talent, but Sandra Bernhard has them all beat. Please someone tell me why this woman is famous. She is completely devoid of talent and looks and value to our planet. Whoops did I say that out loud. Despite my feelings, I decided to give her a chance on Saturday. She's famous so maybe I was missing something. Turns out my initial feelings were right. She is horrible. She got up on stage and did a...well, I guess it was supposed to be a stand up comedy routine, but really it just seemed like she had done a few lines of coke backstage and then got out there and started rambling. She was crude and extremely offensive, but that isn't what bothered me the most. What bothered me most is that she was not funny. I'm fairly sure that on the official job description for a stand up comedian under Required Skills it lists "Funny" or "Make people laugh". I don't think it says "Make people want to plunge a nail file into their eardrums".

She started losing the audience pretty early on mainly because nothing she says even remotely resembles something that could be considered amusing. She reacted to our indifference by insulting us. Now there's a way to win over an audience! Call us all assholes and tell us you're never coming back here. Actually she did get applause with that last statement. At the end she said, "Oh man, I don't have time to tell my last story." A few losers yelled out "Tell it!" (I later found these people gave them the the beatdown of a lifetime), and one awesome guy yelled out at the top of his lungs, "Save it!!" I will seriously make out with that guy. She got pissed, sang "What's Going On?" (poorly) and then left. Mercifully. We all agreed later on that she is a huge C-U-Next-Tuesday which is a word I absolutely hate but one that describes her to perfection*.

Then Cyndi came out. My wonderful, amazing Cyndi. I have no words except to say that Her voice is stronger now than it ever has been. When she was singing "Time After Time" in my head I was saying, "I want this to go on forever." I lost my mind during "Money Changes Everything" and even more so when she laid on the stage and gyrated. As Danielle said, she is truly a rock star and can make anyone happy-even a crowd of 5,000 people who just had to listen to Sandra Bernhard speak. I will love you forever, Cyndi!

*One more thing: Ms. Blowhard, here is a tip for you. Just using the F word 17 times during the course of 1 sentence doesn't make a) you funny or b) the sentence into a joke. Maybe it did in junior high, but you are like 78 now. Grow up, fucktard. Now me using it there? That was funny.

Also this is all I'm saying:

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

They say it's your birthday

Dear 29,

Bring it on biatch.


Monday, December 05, 2005

Progress Report

At work when project statuses are reported to upper management we mark them as being Green, Yellow or Red. Green means we're on track. The project is a go. Yellow means we're moving slower than expected. Red means progress is halted. I have applied this same technique to my post-breakup progress since we are at 1 year later. Let's see how I performed in 2005.

December 2 & 3, 2004: Thought I would stop breathing.
December 2 & 3, 2005: Still breathing.
Status: Green

2004: Cried every single day uncontrollably.
2005: Cry once or twice a month-with some measure of control.
Status: Green

2004: Living in OUR stupid apartment with no A/C or garage.
2005: Living in MY awesome new condo with A/C and a garage and DVR.
Status: Green

2004: Pictures of him/us still in frames in a box that I used to open all the time.
2005: Still framed. Still in the box. But it's only been opened twice since I moved here.
Status: Yellow

2004: Number on speed dial.
2005: Number no longer on speed dial.
Status: Green

2004: Liked the University of Maryland.
2005: Hate the University of Maryland.
Status: Red

2004: Ate a lot of Salt & Vinegar Pringles.
2005: Eat a lot of Salt & Vinegar Pringles.
Status: Yellow

2004: Couldn't even think about dating another person.
2005: Still having a bit of trouble with this but I will totally make out with my DVR.
Status: Yellow

2004: Grey's Anatomy was not on the air.
2005: Grey's Anatomy is on the air.
Status: Green

2004: Didn't really want to go out or drink. Just laid around on my couch watching "Friends" all day long (this is literally all I did for at least 2 months-no lie).
2005: Out every weekend (and drunk every weekend, sadly). I still watch "Friends" a lot, however, not as a way to escape painful reality but rather to laugh at their hilarious hijinx.
Status: Green

All in all, not a bad year's progress if I do say so myself. Saturday was tough for me as December 3rd is the actual day that he left. If anyone noticed I was acting weird that day, now you know why (also I was extremely hungover-more on that later). However, I had a great weekend thanks to all of my amazing friends. And I include Cyndi Lauper in that. I will tell you guys all about the concert tomorrow. Now I must go to bed and dream of Derek and Meredith getting back together*.

*Seriously did you guys see the previews for next week!?!? OMG GET BACK TOGETHER!!

Thursday, December 01, 2005

I think all I can post are lists of stuff

First off, I would just like to thank Carly for setting me straight on the Rachael Ray thing. Turns out she was saying "macerate"which means "to make soft by soaking or steeping in a liquid". Thank God. I was totally freaked out. Honestly I have never heard the word macerate which is sad because I am old enough to know that word. However, I am still going to keep alive the possibility that she said "masturbate" because goddammit that's funny, and I really don't want to ruin my friend A Loyd's day.

Secondly, Bennifer 2 had their baby last night. A baby girl named Violet-obviously named after the blogger Violet. There is nothing bad I can say about that name because it's adorable, and I'm so happy I didn't have to make fun of my Benjamin. Oh and just so you guys know, the next time he has a baby it will be with me.

Thirdly, I am decidedly anti-inflatable Christmas decorations. I'm talking about the big giant ones that sit on your front lawn. Danielle and I were discussing these today, and we concluded that a) they are too big, b) they're inflatable which, to me, screams "used car dealership" and c) they are too close to being mascots. Since they are filled with air, they tend to move around a lot in a menacing, mascot-like fashion. Not okay.

And lastly, is anyone else completely irked by the Lexus commercials that air during the holiday season? You know the ones where a husband gives his wife a brand new Lexus for Christmas complete with giant red bow on top and then the wife reacts in a manner that suggests it's completely normal to receive a $50,000 car for a present? "Wow-a Lexus. It totally matches the 87 foot yacht you got me last year." Number one, if someone gave me a Lexus I wouldn't weakly smile as if I was just handed a mock turtleneck. No-if someone actually bought me Lexus, I would immediately give them oral-male or female I don't care. Unless it was a family member. Then I would probably hi-five them and do the old chest bump. Number two, roughly 1% of the population actually has the means to purchase a new Lexus for someone. Therefore it would be more like, "Merry Christmas. I got you some debt. I hope you have $400 a month you can spare for the next 6 years." All I'm saying is come on, Lexus. No one watches your commercials and actually gets gift ideas for loved ones.

Amazing Stories*

Amazing things that happened tonight:

1. Everyone who left me comments is awesome. Thanks for being so nice all the time. I really don't deserve it, but I accept it graciously and will completely let it go to my head and brag about this to everyone I know.

2. Suzanne and AJ bought me dinner. Suz and AJ, you guys rock! I love you! And I think it goes without saying that I love free dinner.

3. Golightly and I figured out we have the same birthday. Golightly, I believe you are younger than me therefore I am required by law to hate you. However, I have noticed you have an aptitude for making cupcakes, and I am chubby and love cupcakes therefore I have decided that I don't hate you after all. Phew!

4. Okay I don't want to give anything away for those who haven't seen it, but in regards to tonight's episode of "Lost" I would just like to say: HOLY F*CKING SHIT!!!! Despite the fact that it was just a stellar episode, something happened tonight that made me so happy, I rewound it 1700 times to make sure I saw it correctly. I imagine I will watch it 1700 times again tomorrow. Thank you, ABC. Thank you, "Lost" creators. You have completely made up for that Ana-Lucia bullshit. Oh and the ending? Yeah my heart exploded. Just FYI.
P.S. Charlie Salinger: God. Dammit. I will pay you to have babies with me. I am not even kidding. My whole life savings-it's all yours. You fucking beautiful, beautiful specimen of a man. Yes I spelled out the F word. That's how serious I am.

5. Diane and I were watching Rachael Ray, and she was talking about making this fruit sauce to put over pound cake or angel food cake-any type of cake really. It's not important, Internet. Quit getting hung up on the details. Anyway she said, "In the summer you buy fresh fruit and then cover it with a little sugar and let it marinate for a while." Only she didn't say "marinate". She said "masturbate". I SWEAR TO GOD ON ALL THAT IS HOLY. This is a true story. Diane is the one who caught it. We rewound it many, many times to make sure we weren't hearing something that wasn't there. I think I was actually praying we were wrong. But alas we weren't. Rachael Ray said the word "masturbate" on television in reference to fruit. It was the greatest most disturbing thing ever in the entire world. Hey-for some girls it's a nice body or sweet smelling cologne. For Rachael, it's fresh blackberries. Whatever floats your boat (you kinky slut).

*Do you guys remember that show "Amazing Stories"? I used to love that show.

Wednesday, November 30, 2005

I'm just going through a little downtime

So the truth is, I'm kind of down right now. First of all, I haven't told you guys this, yet, but I turn 29 in one week. Well I guess officially it's 6 days now. Um...twenty-nine, people. For those of you not good at math that is only 3 years away from 30 (shhh-the bad-at-math people will never know). I have never, ever had a problem with any of my birthdays. Birthdays are fun. But for some reason when I think about this one, a tiny ball of panic crawls up from my stomach into my chest and then up into my throat, and I have trouble swallowing. Well, it's either panic or heartburn. I'm not sure which. This is the last year of my twenties. I am officially freaking out. There were things I was going to have done by age 30. Two key items on the list are not done nor am I even close to completing them. I will let you guys guess which two things I'm talking about. I'll just give you this hint: both involve Kirk Cameron. Or at least they did when I was 11.

I love my life. It's blessed. But sometimes I can't help but wonder if I'll ever finish those other things on my list.

Compounding this feeling is the fact that this weekend marks the one year anniversary of the day B left me. To be honest this is actually having a much more profound effect on me than my birthday is. I never thought I'd get to "the one year anniversary of our breakup" because I thought he would be back by now. That may be pathetic and naive on my part, but I can't help it. That's just how sure I was that we were meant to be together. It's a year later, and I still miss him terribly. That makes me sad.

Sorry to bring everyone down, but you asked. Okay no you didn't. I totally just made that up.

I just want to say something really quick: even though I'm not happy about turning 29, I am excited for my birthday. Everyone's really nice to you on your birthday, and they give you hugs and balloons and stuff. It's awesome. Plus "The Office" will be back with a new episode, and it's about the company Christmas party, and I just know it will be amazing because in one of the previews I saw that Kevin, the big fat guy, has mistletoe hanging from his belt buckle. That's pure gold.

Here's some good news. I have awesome plans this week/weekend which will no doubt counteract the shitty feelings. In fact, my guess is they will surpass the shitty feelings and the net result will be me feeling happy.

1. Suz and AJ are taking me out to dinner tomorrow night since they will be on a cruise during my birthday. Suz actually said, "I know you will probably do something with everyone this weekend, but you deserve many celebrations!" Man, what a bitch. I will kiss Suz and AJ full on the mouth. I don't care if it ruins their marriage.

2. My friends are taking me out Friday. Here's what I know about that night: I will not remember much of it, but the stories will be great. I will probably try to take off the shirt of every one of my male friends. Okay and female friends, I mean who am I kidding here. People will buy me drinks. I will make them dance with me. I might try to get into a fight with Diane's downstairs neighbor. I will make Danielle do the "Oops! I Did It Again" dance. Woody will hide from me. I will find him. Everyone will be awesome. Those are certainties. I'll let you guys know how it goes.

3. Saturday night Part 1: Dane Cook. Saturday Night Live. I think you get the picture.

4. Saturday night Part 2: I have two words for you guys. Two magical words that bring joy to people of all ages all over the world:

Cyndi Lauper

Oh hell yes we are going to see Cyndi Lauper. I was told by Jace not to tell anyone, but guess what, Jace? I will shout it from the rooftops. I'M GOING TO SEE CYNDI LAUPER IN CONCERT, AND THERE IS A DISTINCT POSSIBILITY I WILL GET ARRESTED TRYING TO GET ON STAGE!!!! P.S. MY MALE FRIEND JACE IS GOING TO SEE CYNDI LAUPER WITH LIKE 4 CHICKS! SPREAD IT AROUND!! Words can't describe how excited I am about this concert. I'm going to lose my mind.

I love you, Cyndi! You see my true colors shining through.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Thanksgiving weekend recap

I am still full.

My mom's pumpkin bread makes me want to do cartwheels it is so damn good.

It looks like Santa Claus threw up all over my condo. It's seriously awesome.

Pat Morita dying has hit me hard, and I am not even kidding.

Nick and Jessica breaking up really hasn't hit me that hard.

"Walk the Line" is a good movie. Joaquin Phoenix will win an Oscar. I bet you $20.

Working the day after Thanksgiving is mind-numbingly boring. I talked to 2 people all day, one of whom was 5 years old and obsessed with a doll named Marisol.

Decorating a Christmas tree by yourself is really depressing.

To the Grey's Anatomy writers: I hate what you made Alex do. We are fighting.

Message from the Fat Roll re: Thanksgiving dinner: I am never leaving.

Wednesday, November 23, 2005

Happy Thanksgiving!

In the spirit of Thanksgiving, tonight I'd like to get completely hammered, accidentally drop a company pager into a toilet and then puke up all my insides for 2 hours. Just like the Pilgrims and the Indians did. This may or may not be a true incident from my past. I'll never tell. (Okay yes I will-it happened a few years ago. Shhh.)

Things I Am Thankful For: 2005 Edition
- My AMAZING family
- My AMAZING friends
- Salt and Vinegar Pringles
- John Christ wine
- People who actually read this
- My awesome condo
- Evy brought in donuts this morning
- Donuts
- Peppermint Hot Chocolate from Starbucks
- Getting to leave at 3pm today
- All our troops
- The city of Cleveland and everyone who lives here and doesn't move to Baltimore
- My most recent haircut and highlight (you kick ass, Cheryl!!)
- "Lost", "Grey's Anatomy" and "The Office" and the hot men on all of them
- They keep paying me at work
- Christmas music
- MAC eyeshadow
- DVR/Tivo
- "Threshold" for not showing a severed head in a close up shot last night--oh wait a minute....
- That I live in this fantastic country that lets me vote and go to school and say whatever I want and wear white after Labor Day without persecution
- All 4 of my grandparents are still alive and I get to spend the holidays with them
- Cruise to Jamaica in January, bitches!!!
- The sh*tload of food I will be enjoying tomorrow and my Mom for cooking it
- That I am, quite literally, the luckiest most blessed person on this entire planet to be surrounded by so many wonderful people every single day who all make me feel special and who all make me laugh and who I love so much that I wish I could get them all in a giant group hug and squeeze them until they get a little uncomfortable.

To the people reading this: you make me feel special. I hope everyone has a WONDERFUL Thanksgiving! And seriously don't bring up the severed head on "Threshold" at dinner because it was really gross and could really put a damper on your holiday.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

I'm sure no one made fun of us

Yesterday John and I had plans to meet Scott at lunch. We went and got our food then sat down at the table next to each other and waited for Scott to come meet us. It took us about a half hour until we realized that Scott was not coming and that we had just eaten lunch-by ourselves at a table for 6-while sitting on the same side of the table.

Thanks for making us look like a couple of douches, Scott.

Monday, November 21, 2005

Holy same day hangover, Batman

At the end of every football season I decide I'm going to stop tailgating for Browns games because I end up feeling sick at night and then being completely unproductive at work on Monday. Then every year when it's time to buy tickets I say, "Hell yeah sign me up, bitches!!! I could not be more in!!!" When will I learn, Internet?

Despite all of that, I did, in fact, learn a couple things today.

1. I am never tailgating with a bottle of wine again.
2. My sister should never be allowed in a loge again. Or around people my dad works with. Or around any people in general.
3. My friend Woody and I are having a baby in January 2008.
4. It is possible to have a headache for 8 hours straight.
5. I don't have a good poker face when looking at someone whose EYE IS BLEEDING.
6. Not everyone thinks I look hot when I dance to "Footloose" in the middle of a parking lot.
7. Sometimes when my mom tells my sister to help herself to a bottle of water, Diane will instead help herself to Jack Daniel's.

Holy crap I feel like I'm going to puke. I'm off to bed. Seacrest out.

P.S. To the people over at Grey's Anatomy: thank you for this.

Friday, November 18, 2005

Back on solid ground

I just want to get a quick letter out of the way:
Dear co-worker,
I'm sorry that on our flight back from NYC I was jittery, hyperventilating, and looking like I was trying to hold your hand. The truth is, I kind of was trying to hold your hand. I am a nervous flyer, and I don't know if you know this but when it's really windy-like it was on Wednesday-and you put something in the air, it tends to blow around a lot. That even holds true for something that weighs like 160,000 pounds. I hope I didn't make you nervous when I turned completely green and grabbed the barf bag. Thanks for being nice to me.

This is by far the most disgusting thing I have ever heard. I mean seriously can you imagine anything worse? I can't stop thinking about it. I might start wearing an ant trap around my neck just in case because I honestly didn't know those little effers were capable of something so horrific.

Read about my Saturday night. Danielle had us over for a grown up dinner party, and it degraded into what you see in the pictures. That is me giving Drew what looks like the Heimlich maneuver. I actually think we were dancing. I don't really think it needs to be said that I am-quite clearly-a talented dancer. I wouldn't try that move at home, folks. Drew and I are professionals. This was one of the best dinner parties I've ever been to. Kick ass time, Mufflet!! Thanks!! And Happy Birthday to all my November biatches.

My comments on Lost (don't read this if you haven't watched Wednesday's episode):
1. Who the FRICK are The Others!? Seriously they are pissing me off. Why are they so creepy!!!!???
2. Ana-Lucia is horrible. I thought that watching what she went through during the first 48 days on the island would make me like her and sympathize with her, but it didn't. I still hate her. I tried to like her-I swear I tried. But she's just too awful. Yes she's tough which is kind of cool. And when she killed Goodwin that was pretty awesome. But she's also a giant raging biatch and a tyrant. My question is-why does anyone listen to her? She just makes all these decisions without asking anyone and then that's it. Everyone's like-oh okay. Bullshit, mama. If I was there I'd be like, "Listen, whore, you're not the boss of me." Then she would probably slit my throat, but at least I wouldn't have gotten my virtual balls cut off in front of everyone like Bernard after he got a signal on the radio, and she turned it off and took it away from him*. Well guess what, bitch, now you killed Shannon and messed with Sayid, and he is going to kill you, and it is going to be awesome. I swear if they make Jack hook up with her, someone's getting a beat down over at ABC.
3. Mr. Eko is amazing and is built like a brick shithouse. If I was there I would never leave his side.
4. I cannot wait until they reunite Bernard and Rose. I am going to cry like a baby.
5. The first couple minutes of last night's episode made me pee my pants.

*Yes, I'm aware that signal was Boone, but they didn't know that. Seriously, Ana-Lucia, the entire front of the plane is missing. You somehow made it to the island. Yet it's completely out of the realm of possibility for you that those people on the radio might actually be people who survived the same plane crash that you yourself survived by making it to the same island that you yourself made it to. WTF! I hate you! Then everyone just believes her. Why?!? Dammit, Bernard, sac up and tell the biatch to EAC**!! Sorry I am very angry about this.

**Eat A Cock

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

I love New York

I seriously do.

This city is fantastic. Last night Sudha took me to a really nice fancy steakhouse and bought me lots of food and wine. It was the best non-date date I've ever been on. Only 17 years until we are married, Sudha!!

Tonight I went to dinner with my co-worker and his brother-in-law and then walked all over midtown taking in the sites and being the biggest most obvious tourist ever. For example, we went into the Marriott Marquis hotel and were absolutely fascinated by the glass elevators. You know because we don't have elevators in Cleveland. Then we went into the Waldorf, and there was a giant (I mean seriously enormous) bouquet of flowers near the front desk, and I heard myself say out loud, "Oh my God they're REAL FLOWERS!!!" Dammit. How uncool can I be.

I didn't see any celebrities on this trip. This ends my 2-trip streak of seeing celebrities while in New York City. On prior trips I have seen some serious A-listers:

- Chick from "Crossroads", "Center Stage" and "Guess Who". This is her. She might have also been in a movie with Nick Cannon. He's in a lot of movies. She was not with Nick Cannon at the time of the sighting.

- Popular chick from "Sixteen Candles". Here she is. Diane and I got really excited to see her, and we almost yelled out to her, but then thought, 'What would we yell? Hey, popular chick from Sixteen Candles who got her hair chopped and made out with Anthony Michael Hall!!!' On second thought, that's totally what we should have done.

- David Hyde Pierce. Niles from "Frasier". Wearing a bright purple suit which I then saw him in later that night on "David Letterman". He is miniature. Seriously very, very small. When I saw him he was walking briskly. I would imagine he was on his way back to the shire.

Monday, November 14, 2005

New York City

I made it to New York and am safe and sound in my hotel room despite the fact that I'm pretty sure I sat next to one of the bad guys from "The Bourne Supremacy" on the plane. All I'll say is that he looked emotionless, highly trained and foreign--French I think. Draw your own conclusions.

Here's a question for you guys. Which is scarier: soaring above the earth constantly at risk of plummeting 15,000 feet to the ground or riding in a New York taxi cab? I think it's a toss up.

On the way to the hotel we had to go under a low overpass, and we saw a moving truck that had apparently miscalculated how tall his truck was and tried to drive under it subsequently ripping off the top couple inches of his roof. He was jammed in there like me in leggings. There were 3 cops assessing the situation, and by "assessing the situation" I mean "laughing their asses off". It was amazing.

My hotel is nice. The bed is king sized which is fantastic, and it's really fluffy though it doesn't have a lot of give. I don't think bouncing on it is really an option. It loses points for that. There are about 1200 pillows which may be overkill. I'll know more later once I take it for a spin.

Things I am going to steal:

I know it's hard to read that sign. It says "Please enjoy me during your stay. I'm here to be snuggled NOT taken away!" I don't know what that means, but I will contemplate its hidden meaning while I stuff this robe into my suitcase.

Things I don't understand:

If you can help me to identify what these objects are and what their purpose is, I will give you $50,000*.

*No I won't.

Even more randomness

In the past 3 weeks I've drunk so much John Christ wine that I think it might actually qualify as being a serious relationship. In that case, here's a picture of my boyfriend:

He makes me giggle.

Every Sunday night, I cry. And not because I have to go to work the next day. Nor is it because the men on "Grey's Anatomy" are so rigoddamndiculously HOT. Okay it's kind of because of that. But mostly it's because I watch "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition". On tonight's episode they built a dream house for a man who is a lobster fisherman. One day he went out on his crappy little boat by himself, and his coat sleeve got caught in the winch (?-I don't know how to spell that). It slowly started pulling in and crushing his arm and was about to drag him under water to die when he did what any normal person would do, HE CUT HIS OWN ARM OFF. He just grabbed a knife and cut his arm off to free himself, and then-since he didn't have a radio-he drove himself back to the dock.

I really have nothing funny to say about that. All that's going through my mind is: Holy Effing Shit, Batman.

I'm heading out to New York City tomorrow for work. I made sure I had free internet access in my hotel room so I can look at porn. I mean so I can blog. About porn.

Thursday, November 10, 2005

Just some randomness

Lost: My initial thoughts about last night's episode are Holy Jesus Lord. Seriously. I don't think I breathed the entire episode. I won't give away spoilers, but to the writers: I am mad at you. You know why. Also what's up with no Jack this episode? And next week it looks like the story of the people in the tail section which means no Jack there either. That's 2 weeks plus the last 2 weeks that were repeats which means 4 weeks of no new Jack. That is unacceptable. I expect the episode in 2 weeks to be entirely Jack. With no clothes on. If not you will feel my wrath. P.S. What is up with Walt? He is one freaky little kid. Get him away from me. I'm not convinced this whole thing isn't his fault some how.
Grey's Anatomy: I am obsessed with you. I never thought there would be another show that I would care about as much as "Lost", and then I saw you. I love you.
The Office: You had me at 'hello'.

When I left this morning it was snowing. Um….WTF.

Can we talk about the complete and utter bastardization of all my favorite childhood toys? My Little Pony, Strawberry Shortcake, Care Bears, Cabbage Patch Kids. I mean they brought them all back which only makes them less special. And as if that isn't bad enough, they made them look slightly different. They all look like a creepier version of themselves. It's heartbreaking. I mean, I'm glad the little kids of today get a chance to see how cool they are, but I have a tough time hearing a 4 year old tell me they want a Care Bear for Christmas without rolling my eyes and saying, "Oh, well, I mean it won't be a real Care Bear but whatever." The worst offender has to be the Cabbage Patch Kids. First of all, they look like mini serial killers. I don't know what they did to their faces, but it's bad news. Second of all, my mom waited in lines for hours upon hours and got on waiting lists and spent tons of time and money just trying to get us one of those things, and the other day I saw them in Rite Aid. RITE AID!!!! Hey, Xavier Roberts, why don't you just slap my mom in the face?

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Pumpkin carving party

I finally have pictures from the pumpkin carving party. First let me say that I haven't carved a pumpkin in probably 15 years. My mom, sister and I used to do it. And now I know why we stopped. It is really not as enjoyable as I remember it to be. Taking out the insides of a pumpkin has to be one of the grossest things ever, and I'm ashamed to say that I was a giant baby about it. In my defense, within a couple of minutes I remembered why I let my mom and sister do the disembowling-I am allergic. It makes my hands itch and swell up. Despite all of that, actually having a jack-o-lantern at the end of the whole process was pretty awesome. Plus it was beyond fun to carve pumpkins with my ladies.

This is Meg's pumpkin Leroy. He has some nose issues. Personally, I think it's pretty obvious he has a cocaine habit.

Halloween is Danielle's Christmas. She showed up late and cleaned and carved her pumpkin in roughly 24 seconds then sat back and drank beer while I was still trying to get the top of my pumpkin off. Also she didn't draw her face on first, and she carved it sideways because she is all fancy. What a hor.

As you can see from the picture below, I decided to give myself the award for least creative pumpkin face ever. I'm not sure how I could have gotten more unoriginal. I named him Jack since everything else about him was uncreative.

The only thing that stood out about Jack was that he had some sort of fungus. It really grossed Diane out, and that is why it is awesome.

Jen lovingly referred to her pumpkin as Retardo. It was hard to argue.

Steph decided it would be logical to use a fork to clean out the inside of her pumpkin. Here's how well that turned out:

Despite the spaghetti-like insides, her pumpkin turned out really cute. I don't think she drew her face on either. I'm just glad she didn't carve in a political message like she did last year*.

Carrie's pumpkin was by far the best:

Yes that's the grim reaper on there. She drew a person and a landscape. I drew triangles.

All in all it was a fun time. Especially when I made Diane finish cleaning out my pumpkin. Next year I think I'll get drunk first and then not draw on a pattern and see what happens. I have a feeling it will be awesome.

*This is true. All I'm saying is hers was the first (and only) one that got smashed in the street that year.

Friday, November 04, 2005

Greatest day

I would like to take this opportunity to show you guys the absolute greatest effing thing these eyes have ever seen:

Oh yes-that is the balance, as of this morning, on my MOTHEREFFING CAR LOAN, BITCHES!!!!!! After 5 years of watching my beloved money go towards my beloved car, that beloved car is mine all mine with 5 years left on the warranty. Best. Day. Ever.

I am getting so loaded this weekend.

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Twenty Things

I got tagged by Bevis who, I'm pretty sure, has been wanting to tag me for a while. It's a list of Twenty Things you didn't know about me. I always feel weird writing lists like this because I feel kind of narcissistic assuming anyone cares to know 20 things about me, and then I remember that I am a shallow, selfish narcissist so it's okay. If you already know some of these things, I'm sorry. I had a hard time coming up with 20 things about me because the truth is I'm just not all that interesting.

1. If I end up on the highway following a truck or van carrying a ladder on its roof, I will change lanes. I do not need to be impaled by a ladder going 70mph. (It happens.) Instead I let the people behind me get impaled.

2. I used to smoke cigars in college.

3. If Jim from "The Office" was a real person, and I knew him, I'd have already asked him to marry me.

4. I took 10 years of piano lessons, 7 years of clarinet lessons and 4 years of voice lessons. In high school I took gym and health in summer school so that my schedule would allow me to be in both band and chorus. Can you say "music dork"?

5. I am ashamed to admit this, but if you have a Jesus fish on your car, I automatically assume you are a bad driver. I have no idea why. There's no rational explanation for why I think this except that I am a bad person. I'm sorry.

6. I still miss B. A lot.

7. I have a marriage pact with my friend Sudha that if neither of us is married when we are 45, we are going to get married. We actually wrote out a contract. It is awesome. I'm pretty sure with the path we're both on that we will actually have to satisfy this pact.

8. I once made out with a guy on a bus for 11 hours (sorry, Mom and Dad).

9. I once threw up at my cubicle after a night of drinking. I blamed it on receiving a flu shot the day before and IT TOTALLY WORKED!! (sorry, Mom and Dad)

10. I have many pet peeves which include but are not limited to: people that burp in public and then don't say excuse me, women who wear more than just their wedding ring on their left hand, people who go to watch a sporting event and then listen to that same sporting event on their headphones (seriously-why did you even buy the effing ticket??), couples who go to dinner and sit on the same side of the table, and men who don't pay me after sex. I'm sorry if I offend anyone with these. Please don't take it personally. Except for the guys who don't pay me after sex-that's just rude.

11. Cleaning the kitchen absolutely grosses me out, but I have no problem cleaning the bathroom. Someone analyze that behavior and get back to me please because I obviously have problems.

12. I did not win the f*cking lottery last night. Goddammit.

13. If my sister moved far away from me, I would probably die.

14. I start listening to Christmas music in August. I know-you hate me. It's okay. I've come to terms with the fact that this makes me "one of those people".

15.One time after a bad perm (is there any other kind?) I went home and locked myself in the bathroom for 5 hours.

16. If I had to eat spaghetti for every meal for the rest of my life, I would be okay with that.

17. I still laugh every single time someone goes up to a microphone and says "Testes, testes 1, 2...3??????"

18. Nerd alert: sometimes I wish my job involved more math.

19. I used to kiss my Ralph Macchio poster before I went to bed. Now I do it before I leave for work.

20. I love Phil Collins, and anyone who says they don't is a goddamn liar.

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

Trick or treat smell my feet

I have no kids in my neighborhood so last night Diane and I went to Danielle's new house to hand out candy with razor blades in it. Just kidding-only Danielle handed that stuff out. Oh Sharda was there, too, but it doesn't count because she didn't show up until like 7:40. Diane yelled at me because I told some junior high kid who was wearing just a regular outfit that he needed to make an effort. She was like, "Don't yell at the kids!" Then like 20 minutes later I said I was going to start doubling up on the candy and give each kid more, and she said no. So who's the bigger Halloween scrooge? Obviously Diane. If I had had an egg, I would've egged her myself.

One of the older girls came up, and Diane saw she had Cheetohs in her bag. Diane was like, "Whoa-are those Cheetohs?" And the girl rolled her eyes and said all annoyed, "Yes-someone's giving out that kind of stuff." Hell yeah, girlie-I'd be pissed, too. Candy. It's all about the candy, people. Why is this so hard for you to understand? KIDS WANT CANDY! There's a lady that Diane works with who was handing out animal crackers. That's an awesome idea-when you are 3. You hit about 7 years old and animal crackers aren't going to cut it (unless they are frosted). I mean yes they're a step above raisins and pennies, but seriously-get with the program. She told Diane, "It's the mom in me." Hey guess what, lady, my mom's a mom, too, and she hands out Snickers and Milky Ways because she's cool.

We only got like 30-35 kids because Danielle's in a new neighborhood and has a whole bunch of empty lots next to her. Plus the jackholes across the street had their lights off even though they were inside and had pumpkins all over their porch. I almost went over there and smashed a pumpkin in their driveway. Then I remembered I was 28. Seriously, though, don't fake liking Halloween with all the pumpkins and fall decorations and then not hand out candy. You suck. At any rate, it was really fun especially at the end when we realized we had enough candy for 100 more kids, and there was only 5 minutes left in trick or treat. I'm just saying the kids that came last will never, ever egg Danielle's house after the amount of candy we gave them. I mean, they will all probably suffer from child obesity and cavities, but once the candy is in the pillowcase it's out of our hands.

Hope everyone had a Happy Halloween!

P.S. To the bleeding mask kid: ew.

Monday, October 31, 2005

It's a dead man's party, leave your body at the door

Oh my God, you guys, I totally saw Don Johnson this weekend. Well it was actually Jace dressed up as Don Johnson, but I'm counting it. It was Halloween party extravaganza weekend. Friday was the annual party at my sister's place/my old place. It was the 4th (maybe 5th) and final one. The girls will be moving out in June so we wanted to have one last hurrah. Diane and I dressed up as G.I. Hos. That means camouflage jackets, black miniskirts, fishnets, hooker boots and machine guns. I made us arm bands to help others in identifying who we were:

Original G.I. Joe logo:

My G.I. Ho logo:

I just want to say that I am awesome. I also want to say that it is never, ever good when the day after a party one of the following things is said to you:

1. Hey…and how are you feeling?
2. I can't believe you're up.
3. Did you puke?
4. You won the most hammered award. By a landslide.
5. I've never seen you like that.
6. Someone who was deaf and blind would never have known you were drunk.
7. Do you remember telling someone to take a picture up your skirt?

All of these things were said to me. Several times. By a plethora of people. In my defense, most of Friday was a blur to me so in my mind, I was not that bad. However, I have been having a few flashbacks such as telling Kim I was a pole and letting her dance all over me. Really, though, I think that's more embarrassing for Kim. Yeah so basically I am pleading innocence, and everyone who saw me can just shut their mouth and not tell any stories about me. Thanks.

Saturday was ALoyd's party. Diane, Kim and I went as the Charlie's Angels*. And not the new ones-the old school REAL Charlie's Angels. Diane was Farrah Fawcett. Kim was Jaclyn Smith. And I was "the smart one who never got any action"-Kate Jackson. This kind of mirrors real life except for the part about being smart. Strangely enough, I was not the drunkest person at the party. And despite that I still got to see Woody's light saber. If Bob is reading this I just want to say that your costume is still grossing me out 24 hours later. Well done.

Pictures to come.

*For anyone considering wearing polyester pants for whatever reason I should tell you that a) they trap heat like a bitch (and apparently cold according to my friend Steve who relayed to me a sweet little story about shrinkage) and b) they itch like a mother.

Friday, October 28, 2005

Hi Squirt

I just want to give a shout out to my friend Squirt who lives in Miami and made it through hurricane Wilma without any serious damage (not counting the damage she did to her underpants during the storm). I'm so glad you're okay, Squirt. I was worried, and I don't like being worried. Don't worry about us up here-we're handling the scattered showers and 10mph winds okay (except for the drivers who can't handle rain). My umbrella flipped inside-out the other day, but that's the most damage I have sustained so please stop fretting over how we're holding up during these extremely average weather conditions. I love ya, and I'll see you in January*.

P.S. I accidentally turned left on a red light today.

*Oh that's right-I am going to Miami in January. Oh and on a Carribbean cruise. Eat it, bitches!

Thursday, October 27, 2005

Story time

I am low on blog material as I wait for pictures from last night's pumpkin carving party. Yes you heard right. A pumpkin carving party. So since it is almost Halloween and every time I need blog material I go into my "memory box" as my mom calls it, I will treat you all to a Halloween story I wrote when I was in 2nd grade. Remember this is copyrighted so don't try to steal it and create a bestselling children's book out of it. By the way, I am copying it exactly how it is written.

Drackila's Birthday

On Halloween night drackila was thinking. What is so special? he said to himself. He walked back and forth his cape was swinging in the air. While he was thinking he made a potion. The potion was as red as blood. The potion might give his membery back. He was frightened to take the the potion because he might turn into a snake a ghost or a ghoul. But then he rememberd what was so special it was his birthday. Because it was a full moon. And he didn't have to take the potion.
by Sarah

I have just a few comments:

1. I think I'm going to start using the word "membery".
2. I understand now why punctuation is so important.
3. "The potion was as red as blood." Um...ew? Should I have been put on some sort of future psycho watchlist?
4. All in all a good story for a 7 year old but kind of an anti-climactic ending, don't you think? There's all this build up about this mysterious potion which can do horrible things to you and then oh yeah it was his birthday. The end. I think I will need to beef it up a bit before I send it to the publisher.
5. Does anyone besides 7 year olds use the word "ghoul" anymore?

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Sarah is not happy

I was very aggravated today all day. Here are some reasons why:

1. "Lost" is a repeat this week and "The Office" wasn't on tonight. All I have to say about that is WTF.

2. I have asked this question a thousand times, and I will continue to ask it until I get a good answer: Why in the name of all that is holy can't Clevelanders drive when it rains!? Why??? It's like we get a few gray clouds and immediately pop it into 2nd gear for the duration of the day. Yes when it rains you should be more cautious. Perhaps slow down a bit while going around curves. But slowing down 25 mph below the speed limit is the definition of the word "overkill". If you want I can further illustrate that word by punching you 700,000 times in the jaw. P.S. Riding your brakes is ruining them and ruining my day so stop it.

3. Why doesn't the shoe industry make cute shoes that have heels under 5"? All the cutest styles have really high heels, but once you get to the shorter heels that look like they might actually be made for a human foot, it's like hey take a look at our Reject Collection. Shoe industry, my sister and I need your help. 1) We are very tall. We're already taller than 75% of the guys we meet at bars. Please don't make it worse for us by forcing us to wear these shoes that make it so we are eye level with the band playing up on stage. 2) We have really, really bad feet and ankles. Simply put, we are a mess, shoe industry. Torn ligaments (or in Diane's case, no ligaments), cysts, foot surgery, softball injuries, volleyball injuries. Our feet and ankles are weak and swollen. High heels are out of the question for us. I don't want to sound too much like a chick or anything, but just doesn't seem like you like us anymore. I mean maybe I'm reading into things, but you used to surprise us with cute shoes in styles we could wear, and now...I don't know it's like the romance is gone. I mean you don't even make a decent brown sandal anymore. Seriously-what's going on with us?

4. This morning when I got to my floor, I had to find my security badge to open the door. Meanwhile two people were standing on the other side of the door-which is glass and therefore transparent, by the way-just watching me. After a few minutes of searching, I finally got the badge and unlocked the door. Right as I went to open it, I dropped my badge. I quickly bent down and picked it up then realized that part of it was still on the ground. I bent down again to pick that up, and the door locked. I then had to reinsert my security badge to unlock the door again, and then I opened the door to let myself in all while these 2 people were staring at me making no attempts to help. Hey-thanks for the assist on that one, a-holes. Next time I need to find people who can't be bothered to press a button 3 inches from them in order to let in a girl who is clearly struggling, I'll know who to call. Oh by the way, as I walked by you I silently wished that you would both spill coffee in your lap and burn your nether regions. Stupid...effing...douches.

5. I am in no way going to honestly complain about our weather here after seeing what all the states down south have been going through with the hurricanes, but today it was so windy this is literally what I looked like after walking back from lunch:

Luckily my lipstick still looked great.

I promise more Happy Sarah tomorrow. Hopefully. If people learn how to drive in the rain between now and then.

Foreign romance

I just watched "Under the Tuscan Sun"-a movie I love. There's this one part where within 5 minutes of arriving in an Italian city, Diane Lane meets a wickedly hot Italian guy, hops into his convertible, drives with him to some other beachside Italian town and then they have sex.

This is eerily similar to the trip I took with a high school tour group when I was 16. Within 5 minutes of arriving in Strasbourg, France, I was hanging out the room balcony and met some French guys. They were on the street shouting up at me and asking me to come down. I smiled and waved and said I couldn't because it was past curfew. They looked confused, and they probably were because I later found out they thought I was a hooker. Apparently in France if you hang out of your balcony, it's a sign that you're a prostitute.

That is totally the same as having sex with a hot Italian guy.

Thursday, October 20, 2005

Breaking news

TomKat is coming to Ohio! This does wonders for improving upon our state's current population of completely effing insane people. Our numbers dipped way low last year, but thanks to Tom and family's pending arrival, experts are predicting 2006 will show a real increase in the number of Ohio residents who are utterly batshit crazy. Welcome, TomKat!

Letters for October 20, 2005

Dear Jennifer,
Thanks for inviting me, my sister and my mom to your mature and grown up Tastefully Simple party. Sorry I momentarily made the event less classy when the salesgirl gave out a sample of that hot butter toffee drink, and I yelled out, "Can I get some rum up in here?" I know that the only ones laughing were Michelle, Diane and I. Coincidentally (or maybe not) I also observed that we were the only ones there that didn't have kids. Oh and sorry for the Amaretto/pound cake jokes that came later. I think maybe I have a problem where if you hand me food, I automatically try to match it up with a type of alcohol.

Dear cashier guy at the grocery store,
Ah-I see you went with the 1-item-per-bag approach to bagging my groceries. The "1-per" if you will. I know that a brick of cream cheese weighs roughly 3 metric tons, but I bet you could still fit in that yogurt that you just put in a bag by itself. At least it's only taking the entire night for me to check out. I can't wait to get home and unload 4700 bags from my trunk. Oh by the way you're a moron, and I am going to rip out your giant fake diamond earring and shove it up your left nostril.

Dear little kid from "Finding Neverland",
You might be the cutest kid in the entire universe. I want to put you in my pocket.

Dear Johnny Depp,
You are hot. I want to put you in my pants. I mean pocket.

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Hardhitting interview

I was recently interviewed for a publication. Okay it's Adam's blog, but still. It's my first interview ever so I'm counting it. Check it out. He calls me an American Legend. Did I mention that I heart Adam?

Monday, October 17, 2005


You guys, I totally scored this weekend. I know-I can't believe it either. It was, I'm sad to say, long overdue. And man was it satisfying. All I had to do is open myself up to receive, and then I did. I mean I wasn't expecting to score this weekend, but it happened-right there in front of all my friends.

I got a touchdown.

We won our football game by 31 points, and I got 7 of them. The moment was almost marred when I spiked the ball, and it bounced back up and almost hit me in the face. Thankfully I caught it before any damage was inflicted. Even though I need to work on my spiking skills, I am clearly an awesome football player, and I think it's time for me to renegotiate my contract. If I don't get what I want from Yes, I'm Still Drunk (our football team), I am willing to go free agent next year.

P.S. I formally submit for nomination for the Worst Invention in the World award the yogurt smoothie. Because the only thing worse than eating yogurt is drinking it.

Friday, October 14, 2005

Boo ya!

Hey, B, why don't you BITE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

After I post this I'm gonna go fall asleep in the handicap bathroom stall

So I decided that since this is the first weekend in a long time that I really didn't have any plans, I wasn't going to drink at all. That is very responsible and shouldn't be something that's out of the ordinary since I am 28, but let's just forget about that. I guess what I meant by not drinking over the weekend was that I would go out on Thursday to two different happy hours and get smashed out of my gourd and then tell John, Scott, Chris and Julia a lot of personal information that I'm sure they really didn't want to know. Seriously I think we all learned a lot about each other last night-more than any of us ever thought we'd know about each other. Yikes.

Also I went to bed with hiccups and woke up with hiccups.

I am so effing tired. Can someone ask my boss if I can go home? That would be great. Thanks.

P.S. I need your help. Do I like Franz Ferdinand's new song "Do You Want To"? I can't decide. Sometimes I'm like this song totally sucks. Then other times it makes me want to dance around my room. What do you guys think?

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Number 5 is alive

The other day at lunch we were talking about "Short Circuit", and I brought up how the Indian guy in the movie is not actually Indian. It's a white guy named Fisher Stevens*.

Apparently I was the only one at the table who knew this information, and it occurred to me that I had never asked my best friend Sudha, who is Indian, what he thought about a white guy playing what can be considered a stereotypical Indian character. Here is our email exchange:

My email to Sudha:
We were discussing "Short Circuit" the other day at lunch. Obviously. And I was saying how the Indian guy in that movie is actually not Indian in real life. It's a white guy. I was saying how I should really ask you some questions about this.
1) Did you know that?
2) How do you feel about a white man playing an Indian man-being Indian yourself (unless you are also being played by a white guy).
Please get back to me with your thoughts on this most pressing matter.

Sudha's response:
This is a question that has plagued mankind for at least the last 5 to 7 minutes. I actually did not know that. But more importantly did you know that #5 was played by a CANADIAN robot?

I love Sudha so much I want to hug him until he is forced to call the police.

*Incidentally, he dated Michelle Pfeiffer for like 5 or 6 years. Seriously, Michelle? I mean you do know what you look like, right?

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

No Tagbacks

I was tagged by Min Pin Momma. She's all over me.

1. If money were no object, what would you be doing with your life?
Following Dane Cook everywhere he went.

2. Money is just that - an object, so why aren't you doing it?
I have no such object. Also I'm not quite sure what legal ramifications my plan presents.

3. What's better: horses or cows?
What the hell kind of question is this. I guess cows cuz Sarah likes her steak.

4. What do you think the secret to happiness is?
Cherry Coke

5. When was the last time you had a dream that you either remember well or did not want to awake from? Can you share a bit?
I dream every single night, and I remember probably 99% of the dreams I have. They are all effed up. The last dream I had was a couple nights ago when I dreamt I was 9 months pregnant, and I was seriously panicking because I had to raise the baby alone. Then I had the baby, and it was a boy, and he was really cute. I was really scared and really happy all at the same time. It was one of the most realistic dreams I ever had. That is until my friends Kim and Jace were really mad because they wanted partial custody because apparently when I was pregnant I said I needed their help raising the baby. Then we all went to Mexico, and I hid the baby in a bathroom stall until they left me alone-which, come to think of it, may be my natural motherly instinct coming through in my subconscious because I'm fairly certain that the proper way to protect your child from danger is to hide him or her in a bathroom stall in Mexico.

6. When you were a little kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?
Kirk Cameron's girlfriend. Now that I am grown up I want to be…Kirk Cameron's girlfriend. I mean who are we kidding here.

7. Complete this statement: Love is...
Never having to say "I'm sorry…I'm moving to Baltimore."

8. Can you tell a good story? (write one!)
People read this blog so I guess I can write an okay story. Here's one for you: "Once upon a time there was a normal girl who started dating a midget from outerspace and then became weird and got pregnant with his alien spawn thereby virtually assuring the end of existence upon its birth. The End.*"
*Not based on a true story. Any similarities to actual events or people is purely coincidental.

9. Can you remember your last daydream? What was it about?
I daydream constantly. Today's was that Danielle, John and I won the lottery and bought a golf cart and got really drunk and drove up and down John's street while drinking daiquiris.

10. If you were to thank someone today, who would you thank?
I would thank NBC for giving me "The Office" because I almost soiled myself 75 times during tonight's episode.

I'm not tagging anyone because I can't tell who likes being tagged and who hates it. I don't know-I guess some people need to be taken out to dinner first.

Monday, October 10, 2005


To my Dad: I'm sorry that I forgot to mention in my post about sealing my deck that the night before the sealing you power washed my entire deck and patio furniture and back of my house and who knows what else because you are obsessed with power washing. Also sorry for laughing while you were being nice and hanging up that picture above my bed because you kept losing your balance and almost falling off the bed and taking Mom with you. P.S. Thanks for putting up the picture!

To Steph: I'm actually not sorry that in a silent auction to help charity you bid on a Pamper For Him basket that included many prizes for men and then won it. You can blame me all you want for not outbidding you-you are the one who bid in the first place on a prize that made no sense for you to bid on. Seriously I can't believe you won. That is awesome.

To Drew: Sorry your girlfriend (my baby sister) scored more touchdowns than you on Saturday. Don't feel too bad, though, because did you see that on Friday she inadvertently wore shoulder pads?

To the tank top I bought only a couple weeks ago: I'm sorry that on Friday I allowed myself to be written on over pretty much the entire upper half of my body with pen and Crayola marker thereby covering you in pen and Crayola marker. You are new and didn't deserve it. If it makes you feel any better, I woke up the next morning, looked in the mirror and totally freaked out because I had forgotten about all of it. Especially the one that said "Jace Matt was here". What?

P.S. I never wrote this back in September, but HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, MOM AND DAD!!!

Friday, October 07, 2005

Age appropriate

Malley's Chocolates throws these parties for little kids. Each kid gets a party hat, a noisemaker and a sucker. Then the birthday boy or girl picks the kind of cake they want, and the staff brings it out with candles lit so everyone can sing "Happy Birthday". Each child at the party gets to pick which kind of ice cream they want, and everyone gets a slice of cake and a scoop of ice cream.

Somehow my sister and Steph convinced Malley's to let us throw this party for Steph's birthday on Wednesday. I walked up to Malley's a few minutes late ready to celebrate Steph's 28th birthday. This is the sign I saw when I walked up:

Oh really! Really, Steph! What did you have to do to convince them to do that, I wonder?

I walked in and as I turned the corner, I saw eleven adults-all of whom are nearing 30-wearing these:

And blowing these:

It was just about the funniest thing I've ever seen. And the truth is, immediately I was like, "Where's my hat. I want a goddamn hat!" God I love being old and secure and no longer caring what anybody thinks of me.

By the way, I was only there for 30 minutes and had nothing to drink except a glass of water yet somehow there is a picture of me with two party hats over my boobs singing "Open Your Heart To Me".

Tuesday, October 04, 2005

Yo homes, smell ya later!

We usually eat lunch at Tower City which-for those not from Cleveland-is a mall. Every day after we finish eating we walk down to this little store that sells candy and lottery tickets and hosiery for black women only. Today was no different. However, when we walked out of the store, I noticed something a little...funky. Actually it wasn't a little funky. It was pure funk. It was the smell of body funk. I turned to Erik and Scott, "Do you guys smell that? That's B.O., right?" They wrinkled their noses. "Uh...yes it is," they said. Figuring it would go away in a few seconds, I continued to breathe normally.

A couple minutes later, I turned to the guys again, "It's still here, right? I'm not crazy-it still smells like B.O.?" They confirmed that I was not crazy. It did indeed still smell. My eyes began to water, and I decided to breathe through my mouth.

A minute later, "Seriously-what the hell going on in here? Is that from a human?" At this point we were incapable of carrying on a conversation about anything besides the rancid B.O. We had walked through half of the lower level of the mall, and not only was the smell still there, it's power had not even diminished. Scott felt sure we were slowly triangulating the position of the source. And he was right. It was not more than a few seconds later that the smell physically reached up and slapped me in the face*. I looked up and quickly saw the source. As I was about to warn Erik who was slightly ahead of us, he turned back to talk to us. "So we--AH!!" The smell had slapped him in the face as well, and I actually saw his head jerk back violently.

The source of the smell was a few feet ahead of us heading toward the escalators. Luckily there was an alternate route. We could cross under the escalators past Original Cookie and out the other side. This route poses a risk as there is always a high probability I will stop and buy cookies. But I didn't have a choice. I was literally suffocating right in front of Panera, and I was not going to go out like that. "Go! Go! Go!" we all yelled and ran by the Original Cookie. When we got to the other side, the air was clear, but we weren't out of the woods yet. We had to get to the escalator before the smell did.

From our new vantage point, we got a clearer look at the offender. It was a very large woman wearing a giant t-shirt and no pants. Seriously she didn't have pants on. She was also wearing only one shoe. The other one she was carrying in her hands along with roughly 27 million shopping bags. She was moving at a slow but steady pace carefully dispersing her poison evenly throughout the mall. We hopped onto the escalator in enough time to avoid the stank.

Scott posed the question, "Just how many showers do you have to miss until you reach that point?" I'm no scientist, but I think the answer is "a whole effing lot of effing showers holy shit for the love of God what just happened I never thought I would be so happy to be breathing in downtown Cleveland air". At least that is what was going through my mind. Scott said that the B.O. Scale must be like the Richter Scale where each number indicates an increase in magnitude by the power of 10. So 8 is 10 times more powerful than 7. We hypothesized that most people reside between 0 and 1 on the B.O. Scale, and this lady was at a 9.9. The highest recorded level of B.O. in the world.

I feel like I need to take a shower again because I'm pretty sure it's still on me.

*Scott would later say that if we had that moment on tape and we played it in slow motion, you could probably see my cheek moving as if being slapped by some invisible force. Okay not just some invisible force. The force of body odor manifesting itself in physical form.