Trick or treat smell my feet

I have no kids in my neighborhood so last night Diane and I went to Danielle's new house to hand out candy with razor blades in it. Just kidding-only Danielle handed that stuff out. Oh Sharda was there, too, but it doesn't count because she didn't show up until like 7:40. Diane yelled at me because I told some junior high kid who was wearing just a regular outfit that he needed to make an effort. She was like, "Don't yell at the kids!" Then like 20 minutes later I said I was going to start doubling up on the candy and give each kid more, and she said no. So who's the bigger Halloween scrooge? Obviously Diane. If I had had an egg, I would've egged her myself.

One of the older girls came up, and Diane saw she had Cheetohs in her bag. Diane was like, "Whoa-are those Cheetohs?" And the girl rolled her eyes and said all annoyed, "Yes-someone's giving out that kind of stuff." Hell yeah, girlie-I'd be pissed, too. Candy. It's all about the candy, people. Why is this so hard for you to understand? KIDS WANT CANDY! There's a lady that Diane works with who was handing out animal crackers. That's an awesome idea-when you are 3. You hit about 7 years old and animal crackers aren't going to cut it (unless they are frosted). I mean yes they're a step above raisins and pennies, but seriously-get with the program. She told Diane, "It's the mom in me." Hey guess what, lady, my mom's a mom, too, and she hands out Snickers and Milky Ways because she's cool.

We only got like 30-35 kids because Danielle's in a new neighborhood and has a whole bunch of empty lots next to her. Plus the jackholes across the street had their lights off even though they were inside and had pumpkins all over their porch. I almost went over there and smashed a pumpkin in their driveway. Then I remembered I was 28. Seriously, though, don't fake liking Halloween with all the pumpkins and fall decorations and then not hand out candy. You suck. At any rate, it was really fun especially at the end when we realized we had enough candy for 100 more kids, and there was only 5 minutes left in trick or treat. I'm just saying the kids that came last will never, ever egg Danielle's house after the amount of candy we gave them. I mean, they will all probably suffer from child obesity and cavities, but once the candy is in the pillowcase it's out of our hands.

Hope everyone had a Happy Halloween!

P.S. To the bleeding mask kid: ew.