Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Being bitchy about celebrities

People I've grown tired of:

1. Scarlett Johansson - I don't get her. What's the appeal? I mean besides the terrible two she carries around in her shirt. She's a terrible actress. She has a man voice that apparently is completely incapable of any inflection. And honestly I just want to flick her in her pointy face.

2. Colin Farrell - I used to be on the Colin Farrell bandwagon. I admit it. But now I've grown weary with all his various abuses-substance and hygiene being the two most prominent. Seriously, Colin, when's the last time you brushed your hair or took a shower? Probably not since the last time you were in a good movie which was....yeah never.

3. Jamie Foxx - Just...get out of my face, Jamie. Just for 5 minutes. Please. I'm sure you're really nice, you know, when you're not singing about how awesome you are, but please-I just need 5 minutes away from you.

Sorry to be pissy tonight. I'm so tired, and Jamie Foxx seriously won't get out of my face.

Radio, TV and magazines-oh my!

I don't know if ALoyd was serious or not about wanting me to talk about Grey's Anatomy, but it reminded me that I absolutely do need to talk about it. And several other different media outlets.

My new favorite song is "Updside Down" by Jack Johnson. You can see the video/listen to it here. Mmmm...you are yummy, Jack. I will sop you up with a biscuit.

Grey's Anatomy - First I just want to say that last week's hot dog eating contest was the best thing I've seen on TV in a long time. Also Sunday's episode-OMG (if you haven't seen it, stop reading).

  1. I cried my effing eyes out the entire episode. What are you trying to do to me, Grey's Anatomy!?
  2. Izzie has a baby!?!? This is an amazing plot twist. Even more shocking than her having a baby is how amazing her body looks after having a baby. What a bitch.
  3. Seriously can Meredith and McDreamy just get back together already? When he was comforting her in the closet I actually thought to myself in my head "OMG they are so meant to be". I am such a loser.
  4. George's last line made me pee my pants.
  5. Alex, you are so pretty it hurts.

Lost - Can you please make Charlie fun again? P.S. I'm seriously losing my patience with Ana Lucia. Asking Jack if he's "hitting that" in regards to Kate? Honestly, Michelle Rodriguez-must you be a man in every role you play?

Scrubs - People who don't watch this show are people I don't understand. This includes you, Mom and Dad. Between Elliot saying, "Hey, Rocktors! That's what I call doctors who rock.", Turk singing about having ovulation sex and JD telling Turk he'd make a pretty girl, well it's just too much for my poor underpants to handle. It's on tonight. I might need to wear a Depends.

Jim Gaffigan - Did any of you see the Jim Gaffigan stand up special on Comedy Central on Sunday? It was seriously the funniest thing I have ever seen in my life. Just talking about it again with Danielle, Scott and John made me almost have a brain aneurism I was laughing so hard. It's on again Saturday. You will all watch it. Believe me you will not be disappointed.

Special Dark asked me to take a look at Details magazine for him because he had just gotten a subscription without really knowing what it was, and he was suspicious of their target audience. I reviewed the evidence at lunch last week, and I can say conclusively that Special Dark is totally reading a gay magazine. There were times I was actually confused about whether or not the article was written for men or women. Especially the one about Jake Gyllenhaal which spent the first half of the article talking about what a babe he was with his deep blue eyes and scruffy stubble (written by a man). Upon stating my conclusion Special Dark exclaimed, "Come on! They have to let a brotha know before they let me order this magazine!!" Unfortunately all I heard was, "Jake Gyllenhaal is dreamy!"

Friday, January 27, 2006

Moving my desk

This week I had to change desks and move all of 10 feet to the cube next to me. What is the point, you ask? I have no effing idea, but I am 10 feet closer to the window, and now no one can sneak up behind me and see that I am reading blogs and/or playing Sudoku online. Here is a list of things I found. And moved with me:

- Calendars from 2002-present
- Bahamian quarter
- Christmas garland (it lines my cubicle all year long)
- Buzz Lightyear figurine
- Homer Simpson figurine
- Care Bear
- Stuffed dinosaur
- Gyroscope
- Box of crayons
- Slinky
- Picture of me and my friends totally hammered and wearing bandanas at a Bon Jovi concert
- Giant plastic magic wand that makes a shimmery, princessy, completely obnoxious noise when you press the button on it
- Magic 8 ball
- 2 cans of Play-doh
- 26 packets of ketchup
- Sock puppet
- Plastic piggy bank with a note on it soliciting money from my co-workers

Why do they continue to let me work here?

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Dangerous marine life

Yesterday I got an email from Johnny Virgil with the subject line "Just saw this on a link to old tin signs someone sent me, and thought of you." This is what was in it:

I replied "If I saw this sign I would pass out. Even if I was in the middle of the desert and logically knew that there was absolutely no way that a shark could be nearby, I would still see this sign and freak out. Because I am normal."

A few minutes later, this is what I got back:

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Arts and crafts

Diane, Kim and Steph decided they are not going to take down their Christmas tree. Instead they are going to decorate it for every holiday all year long. I just want to go on record saying that though these women are total dorks, I think this is a fantastic idea. As such I invited myself to be a part of the holiday tree decorating committee. Sharda also invited herself to join.

Tonight we had our first "meeting". Each "meeting" consists of doing arts and crafts and drinking my boyfriend, Bricco Riella Moscato d'Asti. Yes I said arts and crafts. We actually made stuff to put on the tree. It was like elementary school all over again except with less glue-eating.

We made all these ornaments and garland out of construction paper and stickers and ribbon. Because we're 7. Actually everyone else made decorations. Since I was never really good at arts and crafts, I just made up poems about all our guy friends*. If you want to read them, gentlemen, you have to come over.

As I said we were drinking my boyfriend. Steph-because of this blog I might add-was given a case of it for Christmas, and she generously shared it with us. The first bottle went pretty fast so we decided to open up a second. Seems simple enough, right? Wrong.

The girls are the proud owners of what has to be the absolute worst corkscrew available in North America. As expected when you use such a piece of junk, the metal screw broke off in the cork. Diane grabbed some pliers and tried to manually take it out. A plan which failed horribly. Luckily the girls had a second corkscrew. Unluckily it was the same kind as the one that had just broken. Diane decided to try and use it.

Here's where the details get a little hazy for me because I'm not sure what exactly happened. Kim, Sharda and Steph were busy making a paper chain and ornaments (seriously), and I was busy skewering my guy friends in poetry form so none of us were paying attention to what Diane was doing. Suddenly we heard a deafening POP and looked up to see Diane covered in wine and holding a bottle with the top ripped off. I mean ripped off, people. The entire neck of the bottle was on the floor. My little sister had actually torn a glass bottle in half.

My first reaction was of complete panic because I was 99% sure she had lost a finger or an eye in the process. Thankfully the damage wasn't that bad. I mean she lost a pinky, but nobody really uses those anyway. Okay actually she cut her left hand in 3 places and was bleeding nonstop, but all appendages and eyeballs remain intact.

After we tended to Diane's bloody hand, we decided to throw the wine away. Surely there was glass floating around in there. But 10 minutes later we found Steph and Diane staring at the wine longingly and whispering to each other. "We want to drink the wine." Kim, Sharda and I were against this idea. I don't know I guess we're just not into drinking shards of glass.

"What if we strain it?" they said hopefully. We argued back that there's no way to completely strain out glass. What if there are little slivers in there that you can't really see?

They were undeterred, and a few minutes later I couldn't believe what I was seeing. They were straining the wine into a bucket through a garlic press. A garlic press! I won't try and explain it because I can't. All I can say is that straining wine through a garlic press is sooo Steph and Diane.

They poured themselves each a glass then asked us if we wanted some. Kim said absolutely not. Sharda gave in. I was reluctant. Then Diane said, "Last week on the radio some guy ate a light bulb." How can I argue with that? "Fill 'er up!" I said.

So now I'm pretty sure my esophagus is bleeding and my stomach lining and intestines are not far behind, but it was so worth it. Especially for this masterpiece:

P.S. Seriously, though, if you guys don't hear from me tomorrow, someone call 911.

P.P.S. I'm pretty sure that cross hanging in the background is from our friend Mike's Halloween costume in 2004. He came as a priest...and he brought a little boy Cabbage Patch Kid. So wrong yet so right.

*I just want to say to Gordo that your poem is the only one I did not write so please blame Kim and Steph. Thanks.

Welcome to Miami

After the cruise, Diane and I stayed in Miami for a couple days to visit our friend, Squirt. Neither of us had ever been there before, and I loved it. It's a really cool city with lots to see and do. I just have one question for the people of Miami: what the hell do you guys put in the water down there? Every single person is skinny and beautiful. I'm serious. Every...single...person. Have you all heard of a sandwich? You should try one sometime. You know the Will Smith video for "Miami"? He obviously didn't need models or dancers. He just picked people off the street. I don't understand it. How can the entire population of a huge city all be skinny and beautiful? Frankly, it's creepy. Shades of the Stepford Wives. You need more men with bellies.

While in Miami, Squirt showed us a lot of the sights: Ocean Avenue, the Delano, Millionaire Row, a photo shoot, someone getting arrested and Hulk Hogan. Wha??? Oh yeah-you read that right. Hulk. Hogan. The man. The legend. The 55 year old who wears shiny underpants. Squirt works at a hotel, and he was there checking in while we were passing through the lobby. We totally tried to act nonchalant like, "Who is that? Seems like a normal hotel patron to me." But I think I may have blown our cover when I ran up and body slammed him.

Here's a pic of the guy I hooked up with while I was there:

One night when we were walking to a bar, we walked through this group of people. This black guy walked by me and stopped and said, "Mmm-hmm, baby!" Squirt and Diane were laughing about it, and I said, "What can I tell you-black guys love the bigger girls." Both Diane and Squirt made the requisite "you're not big" face, but I said, "I'm serious. It's the truth." Not more than 30 seconds later we walked by this black crazy homeless guy who was talking to a couple of younger guys on their way to a bar. The homeless guy looked at Diane and goes, "I like this one. She's more my size." Then he looked at me and said, "No! This one is definitely my size! How you doin' baby?" Point proven. He chased after me and hugged me from behind and said, "Just a bunny hug, baby. Just a bunny hug." Then he kissed me on the back of my head. Shortly after that, I doused my head in gasoline and set it on fire.

Honestly this was a great trip. Thanks for having us, Squirt! As a thank you, I'm going to post a pic of your rack on the Internet:

I love you, Squirt!

Thursday, January 19, 2006

They're cousins. Identical cousins.

One of the best things about this cruise was getting to spend some quality time with my cousins. Three of them live in California, and the other two are in Tennessee attending Vanderbilt. I'm the oldest at 29. Diane's next at 27 (okay 26 but rapidly approaching 27). Then Michelle is 23. Kevin's 21, Sean's 20, Steve's 19 and Jason's 18. It seems like just yesterday that they were little kids running around my grandparents' backyard, asking us to play games with them and to pick them up. Now I am taking pictures like this one:

That's Steve on the left and Sean on the right. Steve pointed out that whatever is hanging over the window looked like balls so we took this picture. Talking about balls while drinking alcohol is almost the same as playing Pictionary in Grandma's living room. That's all I'm saying.

When the hell did they grow up? The youngest one, Jason*, is in college now. COLLEGE! And they're all these incredibly bright, articulate, kind and HILARIOUS adults now. It actually caught me off guard. Kevin had his guitar with him because he was going back to school right after the cruise. I asked him if he was bringing it so he could pick up chicks on the boat, and he said, "Yeah because they don't let you bring puppies." What? Did my 3 year old cousin just say something hilarious? Oh no-he's 21 now, Sarah. You're fucking old.

Anyway, you may have noticed something about the picture above. If you look hard enough, you might be able to tell that the two people in that picture are Asian. You would be correct. I don't know these people. I just thought it was a funny picture. Just kidding. My mom has two brothers. One married a Filipino woman and the other married a Chinese woman. The net result is a whole lot of Asian in our family portraits. And they're all beautiful. And they all make fun of us because we have to lay out to get tan. Shut it, cousins.

*This is the one who kept telling people I was 24 and then winking at me. I wanted to put him in my suitcase and take him home with me.

P.S. If there was a world record for the number of strawberry daiquiris consumed by one person over a 5 day period, I would be holding it right now. In fact, I am holding it right now.

P.P.S. I just need to say something about cruises. And I don't know if this was just my particular cruise or maybe Carnival cruise lines in general, but can we please can it with the cheesy line dance music? We weren't even out of the port yet when they started with the goddamn Cha Cha Slide thingie. Then they moved into a remix of the Macarena and the Chicken Dance mixed together. THE MACARENA AND THE CHICKEN DANCE!!!!! There is absolutely no reason for that. If I gave you all the time in the world to think of one, you wouldn't be able to because it's completely assanine. I can't think of two things that don't belong together more. Except for maybe Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. And me and Sandra Bernhard.

**This post was edited. I originally said that my cousins went to Vanderbilt in Kentucky. I clearly was not smart enough to attend school there because Vanderbilt is in Tennessee. I even wrote Tennessee at first, and then I was like no that's not right you retard. Now who is the retard? Oh-still me. Thanks for the heads up, Steph.

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Animals of the Caribbean. And I don't mean Diane and I.

I had a great time on the cruise despite this happening on the first night:

Come on are you kidding me?? They bring this guy out the first night? Were they trying to get me to jump ship or what?

Fortunately I was able to look past it as my beautiful cousin came out and danced.

Yes she is totally hot. No you cannot date her.

I honestly can't believe anyone in my family can dance like that. She was absolutely amazing. The fact that she shares the same DNA as Diane and I-giant fumbling oafs-will boggle scientific minds for centuries.

I have no idea how to organize my cruise into a coherent storyline so these next several posts will just be complete rambling. Let's talk about the wild life we saw on our trip. In Jamaica we ran into the very elusive animal known as a "cow":

I haven't the slightest clue why I took this picture. It's not like we don't have cows here. This one isn't even wild. It's tied to a rope. My cousin Kevin took a pic of his brother, Steve, that made it look like he was swallowing the cow whole. It has nothing to do with being in Jamaica, but it's the best picture of the trip.

Every night we found animals in our cabin.

Yes, yes I know-they're cute. But imagine coming back to your room at 3am slightly inebriated and flipping on the lights to see beady little eyes staring back at you. I don't want to say Diane and I were scared (more than once) by bath towels, but Diane and I were scared (more than once) by bath towels.

I actually got up close to a stingray without crying:

Okay I have to come clean: that's not a real stingray. If you notice, it has a tag. And it's purple. And fuzzy. Seriously, you guys, how did you not catch that. Hey if you look closely in this picture you can see Diane's tan line that subsequently made all her v-neck shirts look weird.

Here's a picture of a shark:

Just kidding that's a dolphin. If I was this close to a shark (I'm like a million yards away), the last thing I would be doing is taking a picture. The first thing I would be doing is pushing the person closest to me into the water.

Tuesday, January 17, 2006

Back on land

Dear sharks,

Sorry you didn't get to bite off one of my legs last week. I know you were looking forward to it. I guess you'll just have to eat some surfer or something. Awww-too bad for you. Losers.

Your friend (not),

P.S. Ahahahaha-just kidding. I'm not taunting you, I swear. Please don't eat me.

What's up, my babies? Did you miss me? Oh-well could you at least pretend that you did? Sheesh.

Here's a question: how do 4 white people go on a Carribean cruise for 5 days and still come back pale ass white? Could somebody please tell me how that's possible? Wait, I take that back-3 white people. My dad burnt his face off. Literally.

It's going to take me a little while to get organized with some cruise posts, but here's something to get you started.

Our boat was a little smaller than I expected. And to be honest I thought it might be in better shape.

Just kidding. This is our actual ship. It was really nice, and Leonardo DiCaprio was on it!!

Not for long, though.

Goddammit, Sarah. You had to do a Titanic joke, didn't you. Sorry, guys. I've been gone for a while so I need to ease back into the funny.

Okay that's all I have for you tonight. More to come. Oh except I'll leave you with this. This was an actual boat we saw at the Cayman Islands.

I'm not sure whose design this was, but lawn chairs on a piece of metal does not a boat make. Just FYI.

P.S. Did you guys watch the Golden Globes? I just want to say with 100% sincerity that if Steve Carell wanted me to have his babies, I totally would.

Friday, January 06, 2006

Sailing takes me away

Right now you are all losers, and I'll tell you why. You are not leaving to go on a cruise tomorrow and I am. I just found out that my cell phone won't work and that it will cost me $16.50 per half hour to use the Internet on the ship. Because of this, I may not get to post until I get back which is not until the 14th.

Oh my God-what will you do without a post from me for EIGHT days!? Oh-go on with your normal everyday life as if nothing is different? That's cool.

I have been meaning to post all this stuff lately but haven't had time or have had too much pinkeye so I'll do some of it now.

New Year's
This year was one of the best New Year's I've had in a long time. Honestly. It involved some karaoke, Steph and Diane doing shots of champagne-the classy way to drink it (okay fine I may have participated), me wearing a sombrero and making out with a mannequin head, Jen throwing her drink on an annoying person, Jace biting me on the shoulder 2700 times, Woody saying, "Uh oh. I just got poo-faced. Just right now." and inadvertently leaving Drew and Paul's cousin at the bar only to find him later wandering Detroit Rd.

The half hour leading up to midnight sucked, obviously. That's always the case. Sharda and I appropriately shared in some bitter New Year's Eve bashing. And what I hoped wouldn't happen unfortunately did which was that I got sad and started missing B. Then midnight happened and all of a sudden everybody was hugging and kissing everybody, and I was lost in a sea of drunken friend-love, and it was glorious. Tony was lost in a sea of drunken random brunette chick-love but that's a different story.

Honestly, the night was kind of a blur for me. Mostly because I arrived at 6:20pm and was drunk by 6:45pm and then spent the rest of my night trying to get my money's worth at the open bar (which I definitely did). However, I took pictures. I just have to get them developed. Yes that's right. I have to get film developed. Disposable cameras to be exact. Yes they still sell those. Once I get some pics developed I will illegally use the scanner at work and then post some and let them tell the story. I mean I will let them tell everyone else's story. Not mine. I do not want to see pictures of me covered in cranberry juice and pulling a noisemaker out of my shirt (which I did at about 1:30am-no idea how it got there).

Year end review
I think as a blogger it's my duty to write up a year end review. That sounds kind of complicated, but I'll give it a shot.

Depressed over getting dumped. Watched TV. Got drunk. Bought a condo. Got old.

Okay so that wasn't that hard. My year end review is depressing.

The reason we're going on this cruise is because my cousin is a dancer on this particular ship. My immediately family, my grandparents, my mom's two brothers and their families and like 25 Filipinos are all going. Why the Filipinos? Why not? Every cruise is better with 25 Filipinos. Actually my aunt (the dancer's mother) is Filipino so a bunch of relatives on her side are coming.

If you guys remember, I am not too fond of the ocean. Well as luck would have it a cruise means you actually go out onto the ocean. Like you're in the middle of the ocean, and there's no land around you. You know what is around you? Sharks. Lots of them. And all of them are thinking, "I know Sarah is on that boat. Come on, baby, pull a Titanic for me." Last time I was on a cruise, whenever we would go out onto the deck I would stand in the absolute middle of the boat so as to avoid falling overboard. This year I don't think that will be necessary. Scott gave this to me this morning:

Yes he made me shark repellent. The fine print reads "Warning - may cause allergic reaction - if you are allergic to everything". Seriously how cute is this. Sorry, ladies, he's married.

Well, I should really go to bed since I have to get up at 4:30am which coincidentally is the same time I went to bed on New Year's Eve. I hope everyone has a wonderful week. I will miss you all, and I'll be sure to take some pics in Jamaica and the Cayman Islands. They will probably mostly be of weird people on the cruise with us, though (i.e., my family).

Ahoy Mateys!!!!

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Happy one year blogiversary! To me!

In honor of my blog's one year anniversary, I decided to throw it a little party. It decided it wanted to dress up so as to differentiate itself from everyone else at the party (me & the treadmill).

Instead of cake, we had wine.

I think this was a bad choice on my part because things turned ugly really fast.

By the end of the night, my blog was flashing everyone. I took a picture, but I blocked out the good stuff. Sorry, pervs!

I put it to bed with a glass of water and a trash can. I hope it doesn't puke all over the place.

Thanks to everyone who comes and reads this blog. I know it's silly and a lot of times completely pointless (okay all the time), but you have no idea how much fun I've had with this thing and how much it helped me get through a really, really tough year. You guys are effing awesome, and I can't wait to tell you more useless crap about my life in 2006!

Being sick blows

This is just a post to tell you why I haven't posted anything lately. I am really, really sick. I have a severe sinus infection and pinkeye in both eyes. I look ridiculously hot.