Welcome to Miami

After the cruise, Diane and I stayed in Miami for a couple days to visit our friend, Squirt. Neither of us had ever been there before, and I loved it. It's a really cool city with lots to see and do. I just have one question for the people of Miami: what the hell do you guys put in the water down there? Every single person is skinny and beautiful. I'm serious. Every...single...person. Have you all heard of a sandwich? You should try one sometime. You know the Will Smith video for "Miami"? He obviously didn't need models or dancers. He just picked people off the street. I don't understand it. How can the entire population of a huge city all be skinny and beautiful? Frankly, it's creepy. Shades of the Stepford Wives. You need more men with bellies.

While in Miami, Squirt showed us a lot of the sights: Ocean Avenue, the Delano, Millionaire Row, a photo shoot, someone getting arrested and Hulk Hogan. Wha??? Oh yeah-you read that right. Hulk. Hogan. The man. The legend. The 55 year old who wears shiny underpants. Squirt works at a hotel, and he was there checking in while we were passing through the lobby. We totally tried to act nonchalant like, "Who is that? Seems like a normal hotel patron to me." But I think I may have blown our cover when I ran up and body slammed him.

Here's a pic of the guy I hooked up with while I was there:




















One night when we were walking to a bar, we walked through this group of people. This black guy walked by me and stopped and said, "Mmm-hmm, baby!" Squirt and Diane were laughing about it, and I said, "What can I tell you-black guys love the bigger girls." Both Diane and Squirt made the requisite "you're not big" face, but I said, "I'm serious. It's the truth." Not more than 30 seconds later we walked by this black crazy homeless guy who was talking to a couple of younger guys on their way to a bar. The homeless guy looked at Diane and goes, "I like this one. She's more my size." Then he looked at me and said, "No! This one is definitely my size! How you doin' baby?" Point proven. He chased after me and hugged me from behind and said, "Just a bunny hug, baby. Just a bunny hug." Then he kissed me on the back of my head. Shortly after that, I doused my head in gasoline and set it on fire.

Honestly this was a great trip. Thanks for having us, Squirt! As a thank you, I'm going to post a pic of your rack on the Internet:














I love you, Squirt!