Thursday, September 25, 2008

Krusty's 2008

First: Is it too late in the season to wear white capris? I am obviously a fashion maven as evidenced by the fact that I wear $10 slip on tennis shoes almost everywhere I go, but despite my expertise, I have no idea if this is okay or not after Labor Day. Help me, Internet.

Second: Update on skee ball: We totally won our match last week. Christy added up the scores wrong. Don't worry-she is not a math teacher or anything. Just a 30-something year old woman who can't perform basic addition. No reason to be alarmed.

Third: Krusty's. Ahh...even the name makes me giddy.

This year Krusty's was-shockingly-completely effing awesome. As usual, it was the best day of my life. We recruited a ton more people to come with us. There were about 30 of us total, most of us drunks, all of us too sensitive to sun.

We started off drinking slowly because it's a marathon not a sprint, you guys, but I was drunk maybe 2 hours into it. Obviously. Because the drinks were going down smooth, and I was so excited to be there I could hardly contain myself. Some of us played volleyball. Not me, of course, because I am allergic to it. Diane tried not to play because she has bad ankles, but since she is part male, she couldn't stand it anymore so she went in and was basically better than everyone.

Two guys walked up and started talking to those of us ladies who were watching the game, and one of them wanted to play. We hung out with the other one who guessed our names. He guessed I was Gina. I told him he was right. Then I guessed he was Neil. I don't think he liked me very much after that. Let me just put this out there: I like the name Neil. I said that was his name because he had told us he liked Neil Diamond. I don't know what he was so upset about. This reminds me of this one time when I got drunk at happy hour and told this guy from work that he looked like someone who would wear a fanny pack. He hasn't spoken to me since. That was like 5 years ago. To be fair, he had just totally screwed over my friend Kim who he was dating. It was not an unprovoked FPA (Fanny Pack Attack).

Anywho, after this point, all the events of the day seem to run together. I have no real sense of "chronological order". Here's what I remember:

- Steph's sisters were in town and they brought a hammock. That is just awesome.

- Our friend had a beer pong table and there was a guy we didn't know playing on it and he keep oiling up his chest. Seriously. He rolled his tank top up to above his man boobs and left it there. Then he would periodically oil his chest. None of us could believe what we were seeing. Listen up, male readers: a) don't spend 3 hours at a stranger's beer pong table unless you are invited, b) do not roll up your tank top over your man boobs-tank top on or off, people (preferably never put on in the first place-it's a tank top and you are male but it was really hot so I'll allow it) and c) the only reason you should be putting oil on your chest ever is because you're either doing it for a Halloween costume or you are a stripper at Thunder Down Under in Las Vegas. Even then I will make fun of you, but at least it'd be part of your job description.

- I totally told the guys I would play in the cornhole tournament with them then I didn't. I remember saying, "Yeah I'll be right there!" then an hour later they came back, and I was like, "Hey where have you guys been?" I'm a pretty reliable teammate.

- I made our friend Steve's brother do gymnastics. It's okay because he is a gymnast. It's not okay because he was drunk, and I was only about the 17th person to ask him to do it. Whatever-he still did it because I am extremely persuasive (annoying).

- We tried to convince a guy who was with us to swim to the break wall and back. I'm not exaggerating-the break wall was easily 3 football fields away. We were like, "Dude, it's not even that far. You could be done in 10 minutes, easy." Then I told him I was a licensed lifeguard. He goes, "Really?" And I said, "Well by 'licensed' I mean I used to watch "Baywatch" a lot, and if I see you're in trouble I'll totally yell to those people on the jet skis out there to go help you." Shockingly, he did not feel confident enough in my abilities to save him from drowning to try it.

- The only thing that kind of annoyed us about Krusty's this year was that they had 2 bands: one reggae and one 80's/90's cover band. The 80's/90's cover band played first so by the time we were all drunk and ready to dance (aka, embarrass ourselves and our family names), the reggae band was playing. I like reggae music, but I cannot do the Fake Run to it. It's too slow. So Gordo and I decided we were going to do something about it, and we went up to the stage to yell at the band. And I have to say I think the band was really intimidated by us because as soon as we got up there we started dancing. Mission: Failed. Note to everyone who needs people to take charge and get things done: Gordo and I are not those people.

Eventually Krusty's came to end. And as usual I pouted like a little baby. I hate when it's over, you guys! As is tradition, we went to the after party at the bar where I walked in and announced to my friends, "I'm going to get so drunk that you'll either have to carry me home or dial 911!" Classy lady!

I broke my "no shots except at weddings rule" and made lots of people do lots of shots with me. The details of the bar get even fuzzier, but here is what I know:

- We were throwing popcorn at people. And I was throwing it on the ground while doing my impression of The Ground Round. You can totally throw your popcorn on the ground there, you guys.

- Ty took his pants off. Completely off. All layers. I heard my friend Mike yell, "Ty oh my God!" and I looked up and Ty was standing at the bar naked from the waist down. How in the world did they not kick us out after that?

- Our friend Sean passed out on a couch there, and Renee and I danced on him. Literally. Then I fell into his lap, and he didn't even wake up. I love that guy.

- I was wearing skorts. Here is the problem: Sarah + skorts + alcohol = Sarah lifting the skirt part of her skorts to show everyone the shorts underneath. This has happened time and time again-once at a wedding (sorry, Becky and Steve)*. Well at the bar, I pulled up my skirt and left it there. Like I walked around the bar like that. Skirt up facing the sky, shorts showing. When I showed Matt, he immediately poured popcorn down my skirt. So I was literally a human popcorn container. I showed Sharda what Matt had done, and without a word she reached down there and grabbed a handful of popcorn and shoved it in her mouth. You see, this is why I end up doing shit like pulling my skorts up. I don't have friends who discourage it. All they do is make it funnier.

I have no real recollection of leaving. I remember hugging a guy I went to high school with, him sticking his tongue in my mouth and then grabbing a cab. Thanks to my sister and Drew for getting me to their house safe and sound. And for not really letting me drink so much they had to call 911.

Thanks to Krusty's for being the greatest day of my life. I can't believe it's over. The good news is that I waited so long to post this, I only have like 10 months to wait till the next one. See you in 2009, best friend ever!!!

*Do not berate me for wearing skorts at a wedding. It was a picnic reception at a park. The bride was wearing shorts. I'm not some like white trash ho who shows up to a wedding in khaki skorts, a tube top and a banana clip. I save that outfit for first dates.


Skeezix said...

Really, every year your posts about Krusty's seem to get better and better.

I think by the time I got to Ty taking his pants off I was crying from laughter.

Alexa said...

ok, hilarious that you post about an event almost two months after it happens.


at least you had a good time

Aaron said...

Ok, it is the end of September and you are doing your post from early August. After reading the post, now I know why. It is so long and you were only typing 3 characters a day!

Johnny Virgil said...

Holy crap. We used to go to the ground round in high school. It was the "dinner" part of "dinner and a movie."

Blogger said...

Did you know you can shorten your long urls with BCVC and receive $$$$ from every click on your shortened urls.

Blogger said...

I've just downloaded iStripper, so I can watch the best virtual strippers on my desktop.