Tuesday, December 23, 2008

There's no place like drunk for the holidays

Here's a recap on some of my holiday season so far:

Christmas party at Brian and Anita's - This was awesome because they got a keg of Christmas Ale. I don't know how widely distributed Great Lakes Christmas Ale is, but here in Cleveland it's a big deal. It's only around in the winter time, and the day it finally becomes available is like its own holiday. I am not a beer drinker, as you guys know, but I loooove Christmas Ale season and here's why: I LOVE my friends on Christmas Ale. They are all completely wasted after like two of them. And not a normal drunk, but a hilarious, out of control drunk. And it. is. awesome. See I am usually the biggest jackass at the party. Almost always. But when Christmas Ale is flowing, everyone else becomes the jackasses, and I am the tame one. Unless I drink John Christ's Special Blend wine which is like my personal Christmas Ale. Which I did at Brian and Anita's party after basically drinking a bottle and a half of champagne. Needless to say, the party was awesome. At the end of the night, Renee, Darren, Anita, Diane, Drew and me ended up standing around the bar in the basement screaming Christmas carols at the top of our lungs. Then for a good 45 minutes, Renee and I sang the entire South Park Christmas album word for word while everyone had to watch us. At about 2am we realized the actual hosts of the party had gone upstairs to bed. So naturally we hung around for another half hour. We are pretty annoying party guests. Item of note: There was a Christmas movie trivia quiz, and I am the only one who got all of them right. Obviously because I am awesome. Some quick background, though: last year at AJ and Suz's Halloween party, I won the Halloween movie trivia. This year, I won it again. So when they announced me as the winner at this Christmas party, people actually booed me. My friends booed me at a Christmas party! I think I might have actually felt bad if I wasn't so effing awesome at movie trivia. Eat it, suckers!

Christmas party at Steph's - Steph's party had a theme, of course, because Steph doesn't just have a regular party. There were three unique things about this one:

1. We had to bring canned or boxed goods as our entry fee. Then she took all of the food collected to the Cleveland Food Bank. I've said it before, and I will say it again: drinking + charitable cause = greatest thing ever because normally you feel bad about yourself for being a pathetic drunk but in this case you only did it to help people. No one can judge you for that-for helping starving kids to get a healthly meal. It's a win-win!

2. We were all to wear a cheesy/ugly Christmas shirt/sweater. I wore this horrible kind-of-a-mock-turtleneck shirt absolutely covered in snowmen that I got for $7. I seriously looked like a soccer mom. Aloyd was wearing one of Sharda's old shirts (awesome) that had a huge Goofy x-mas picture on it. He definitely looked like a soccer dad. In fact I went and sat down next to him and said, "I feel like maybe you and me could get a minivan together." Then he was like, "We could totally put a soccer ball sticker above the gas tank. And on Friday nights we could stay in and watch "Cold Case"." Matt had on a green 3-piece leisure suit. Green 3-piece leisure suit! Awesome! Matt and Aloyd won the Christmas outfit contest and rightly so. Their prizes were crap Steph and Matt picked out at a flea market that probably cost them $1.26 total.

3. Steph turned her place into a "winery". We all had to bring two bottles of some kind of wine-$10 or less. The we had a wine tasting contest. She wrapped all the bottles in foil so we couldn't see what they were, and she numbered them. Then we had to vote for best red and best white. So you know how wine tastings are quiet and reserved and you taste roughly 5-7 wines over the period of about an hour? Yeah this was the exact opposite. I'm going to try and set the scene for you, but just know that nothing I write will ever come close to capturing the chaotic, glorious mess that this whole ordeal was. Everyone had one of those big dixie cups which was our tasting cup. We all stood in a circle in Steph's small dining room. There were probably 15-18 of us. It was roughly 300 degrees in her apartment. In about 30 minutes, we tried 14 reds and 3 whites. THIRTY MINUTES!! And everyone just kept shoving their dixie cup at Steph and screaming out numbers, "8! I need to try 8 again!" or "What number are we on? I think I just finished 11!!" "Was that 5 or 6? I'm scared!" It was so loud and so hot and we drank soooo fast. By the time we got to the 8th red, I think most of us were drunk and things just got even more chaotic. Randy was yelling things like, "8 tastes like 6 minus 2 plus 1!!" Jace, Christy and Danielle were by Steph's radiator, and all they could talk about was how hot it was. Danielle kept raising her arms to show the entire party her pit stains. I think at that point, I literally couldn't breathe I was laughing so hard. Who does that!? Shows people her pit stains over and over while saying, "Check this out!" I seriously love my friends. Not surprisingly a dance party broke out a little while later. By the way, Steph's dog Kennedy (of course that's his name) was a) wearing a silk dress and b) sleeping through the entire party.

Other highlights: When Diane was looking for a bowl in which to heat up the dip she brought with her, she noticed Steph doesn't have any bowls. None. Because she sold them all at a garage sale and never replaced them. Diane was like, "Oh Steph-you're so urban." No, Diane, that is not urban. That is weird. And one other thing I absolutely must share: Steph had a note on her door inviting her neighbors to donate food or join the party. Two of them showed up. One of them was a lawyer, and he and Kevin were looking at each other like they sort of recognized one another. Then this conversation happened:

Kevin: "Are you a lawyer?"
Lawyer Guy: "Yes. A defense attorney."
Kevin: "Oh that's why you look familiar. I'm a county prosecutor."
LG: "Oh! I thought you were this one convicted felon that just got paroled."

Kevin totally got mistaken for a convicted felon. Effing-A awesome.

Girls' Christmas - This, of course, was awesome. It's one of my favorite Christmas traditions. Seventeen girls drinking wine, eating lots of food and oohing and ahhing over presents. Fantastic! Nothing out of the ordinary happened this year that I can think of. Oh unless you count that STEPH'S SECRET SANTA PRESENT WAS A GOAT. Yes. Steph's "present" that she bought for the gift exchange was a goat from the Heifer International Project. The goat is donated to a family in desperate need. They drink their milk, used the extra to make dairy goods that can be sold and use the goat's doodies to fertilize their gardens. It's truly a wonderful thing to do and will make a real difference in the lives of these people. But also, um, what the fuck!? She supplemented the gift with other things so Jen, who got the present, wouldn't go home totally emptyhanded. She also wrote poems for every present that Jen read aloud as she opened them. Oh and she wrapped it all in tin foil and stuck a bunch of Valentine's Day heart stickers all over it. Steph, you are truly one of a kind. Awesome sidenote: after Steph bought the present she told Christy that she hoped whoever got it wouldn't be mad, and Christy, not knowing what Steph bought I swear to God, said, "Steph, if you bought a llama we're all gonna be really pissed."

God I love Christmas.


Anonymous said...

Somehow your posts always paint me with a crazy brush. You forgot to mention the second bottle of wine at the tasting went into the kitty for the winner to take home. And such you were the big winner, how could you forget to brag this up?

Erin Jeannine said...

I love Steph because she is trying to save the world. She rules. And the only thing better than trying to save the world is trying to save the world drunk.

And next year, if you invite me, I'll leave my 68 degree almost-shorts-weather and come out to Cleveland and party with you. Although I won't know what to wear, because the temperatures you guys experience mean nothing to me.

Oh, and we don't get Great Lakes Christmas Ale in So Cal. But I wish we did. Add that to my list: no grilled cheese restaurant, and no Christmas Ale. This is bullshit.

Fizzgig said...

I have a friend that flaunts her pit stains. We should get them together to compare deoderant notes. Apparently, there are people that nothing helps. I told her to try botox shots. I saw it on Dr. 90210.

What wine won? I'm a huge fan of Lake Erie Concord from Catawba island! mmmmmmm

I love that heifer goat thing, I saw it on Oprah.

Wait...that sounded bad.

JL said...

What the *fuck*. I haven't seen that Christmas Ale in Nor Cal either, nor do any of my friends act like Steph. I think I've been ripped off.

My Christmas eve was spent throwing up for 6 hours. Yay me!!