Krusty's 2009: You're Still the One

A few key indicators that Krusty's was a success:

- Your skin is fried and your tan lines are, in a word, ridiculous (and they are a good indicator of just how low cut your top was. Note: very, very low)
- At some point, you were wearing a t-shirt on your head
- You find upwards of 16 moist towelettes and 3 Blow Pops in your pockets (sorry, Tony)
- It's a week later and you can't stop smiling.

As usual, the weather was absolutely perfect, and I finally got to meet Tony-the wonderful man who inexplicably put me on the VIP list for this event. By the way, not only was I on the VIP list again this year, but they had me under "Media Credentials". Media Credentials! That's the highest-and most ridiculous-honor this blog has ever received. When we pulled up, they asked us all for our tickets, and the guy goes, "Okay we're one short." And I said, "I'm on the VIP list." He goes, "Oh...yeah I've never heard that before. Man I haven't even had a drink yet and you're already trying that?" Then had asked me my name, and I had to say, "It's under 'Media Credentials'." and he scoffed and said, "Oh please! Yeah right!" Then came back nodding and laughing and said, "Okay here you go." The best part is he worked with Christy. Christy was like, "Man, if you weren't on the list, how would I be able to face that guy at work?"

This year we had three Krusty's virgins with us: Lisa who was nervous about proper Krusty's behavior (note: proper Krusty's behavior = drink, sit and give money to charity), Woody who literally couldn't believe he was allowed to be somewhere out in public all day wearing a shirt with no sleeves, and Chicken Noodle whose middle name is Chicken Noodle. For real, you guys.

All of them have been, like all of us, permanently changed by the wondrousness that is Krusty's. This year there was some volleyball playing, but not by me. I walked over for a minute to see my sister in a sundress rolling around in the sand and diving for the ball. She's a real lady, that one. There was also a little frisbee-tossing by Christy and Steph. By Steph's own admission this is the only time she was not sitting or going up to get beer. Awesome. I, on the other hand, can only remember pieces of the day. But that is customary around these parts when posting about all day drinking events. Here's what I remember:

- Lindsay made us all snack bags. I'm sure it will shock you to find out that she is a teacher. These were not little snack bags filled with a couple pieces of candy. These were gallon freezer bags filled with crackers, gum, tons of candy, fruit roll ups, etc. In a word: amazing. Except for when the Hershey kisses melted and got chocolate on everything. To solve that issue, Loyd, Sharda and I took out some moist towelettes and cleaned everything off. We're problem-solvers.

- Our age became really apparent while planning for our day out. The first couple years we went to Krusty's, we didn't bring anything. This year our planning including working out who would bring toilet paper, paper towels, hand sanitizer and a first aid kit. Plus I made sure to bring my insurance card.

- I got to meet the lovely Alexa from Cleveland's a Plum who I'm pretty sure I totally freaked out by staring at her and whispering to my friend Lindsay, "I think that's Alexa. Do you think that's her? I think it is. Should I go introduce myself? I probably should now since I'm scaring her." Alexa, sorry for being creepy. Let's go get a drink!

- Lindsay put her red drink tickets in her bra and stained her boobs. I laughed so hard a little pee came out.

- I saw my friend Kyle who is my age. He told me that everyone at his work thinks he is 26. And when I laughed he said, "What-look at my cool hat and Child's Small t-shirt. That obviously means I'm 26."

- At least one wallet was lost and 2 credit cards were left at the bar

- We recreated the scene from last year when I pulled up my skorts and poured popcorn in them. This scene cannot be recreated enough in my opinion.

- We played electronic Catchphrase (dorks!) which ended up driving away our younger and hipper friends. One of whom, Lardiss, had come over only to steal our Chex Mix. I tried to give him the opportunity to lie to us, to make us feel like he came over just to see us, but he said, "Okay listen-I'm just here for the Chex Mix. And that's the truth."

- Steph brought a little table in a bag that was about 3 feet x 3 feet and 8 inches off the ground. A minimum of six people played flip cup on this table...on their knees. Meanwhile we had two big normal sized card tables in the cars-about a 20 second walk away.

- We met the woman who originally put Krusty's together. Her name is Gina and she is lovely. Sharda tried to embarass us by instantly saying, "I'd like to talk to you about something. Do you have recycling bins here?" Oh my God. Sharda! Obviously because I was mad, I told Gina that Sharda would help her set up recycling bins next year.

- Woody, who is very pale, went to sit in a shady spot after volleyball. We couldn't find him for like a half hour. He spent the next couple hours asking everyone if they wanted to "go to the shady area". I eventually took him up on it to get a break from the relentless sun, and he was so happy. The shade was amazing, but it had some sort of effect on Renee and I because we promptly moved from drunk partygoers into poofaced nonsensical tards. At one point, we were yelling at a guy who was peeing kind of nearby:

"We can see you!"
"We can see it!"
"We can see your pee pee!"
"We see your thingy! Nice cloth belt!"

That last one was Renee, and I laughed so hard I cried. I don't know why. I was delirious. Plus she had just made some joke about a neon head (I don't know) so I had the giggles already. Also we saw a guy playing volleyball who was wearing camouflage shorts, and we were screaming, "I can't see that guy's lower half!" Apparently we came back to our group yammering on about a floating torso that we saw, but we never explained it. Look I can't be bothered to explain stuff when I am trying to eat Twizzlers and put sunscreen on Woody's head. P.S. Making jokes about not being able to see people when they are wearing camouflage is my favorite thing ever.

- I found 2 dice on the ground. I know that doesn't sound that exciting, but you would've thought I found money. I ran back to Steph with my prize to tell her all about it. Then I opened my hand slowly, and let everyone gaze upon them. Then Steph stole them from me, and we immediately made up a drinking game with them. We changed the rules with every turn, all of which made it so we were drinking more and more-almost through the whole game. My favorite rule, though, was if you got a 7 or a snake eyes, you got to give out a drink to anyone. They didn't even have to be playing the game. Drew started handing them out to people walking by, and because everyone's awesome at Krusty's, they all obliged. Sidenote: I still have the dice.

- At about 8pm, 8 hours after we got there, it dawned on me that I had not gone to the bathroom yet. Steph was absolutely horrified. Meg goes, "That's impressive." Steph goes, "That's unhealthy." She beseeched me to drink water, and I'm glad she did because I think she saved me from a) a horrible hangover and b) a kidney transplant.

- FYI-Krusty's is held at Whiskey Island. In the cab ride on the way home, Drew told our cab driver that we were the coolest people he's ever had in his cab. The driver said we would have to prove it, and that we were part of a contest. A minute later, Renee said, "Hey-I found out why Whiskey Island is named Whiskey Island." Then she told us the history behind it. After a beat our driver said, "You guys are not the coolest."

- Shortly after Renee's history lesson, we asked the cab driver if he was a Cash Cab. Renee told him he could use her fun fact as his first question in Cash Cab. Then we stopped at a red light next to a restaurant. Drew rolled down the window and yelled to a guy sitting outside, "Hey! Do you know why Whiskey Island is called Whiskey Island!?" The guy replied, "Because people get trashed there?" Which is an awesome yet incorrect answer. Then Drew yelled, "Wrong! You lost Cash Cab!"

- Sunday evening, I got this voicemail message from Steph: "I just wanted you to know that the reason Renee said Whiskey Island got its name is wrong. I'll be sending out an email tomorrow. Goodbye."

- At the bar, I had to physically restrain Meg from eating other people's food. Then she begged Diane to drive her to Taco Bell, but Diane was like, "We don't have a car." While we were all standing outside, Meg ran across the street, flagged down a giant 10 person cab and hopped in the front seat. Then we watched the cab turn around, start driving then slow down and pull into Taco Bell. Then perhaps the greatest thing ever happened, and none of us witnessed it. Meg apparently force fed the cab driver a burrito. She told him she had too much food then shoved it in his face. Are you effing kidding me? Man I wish I would've seen that.

- Here is a quote from Steph: "The worst part of Krusty's for me was when you jackholes slept in for days and I had to walk 20 miles uphill in the snow to get my car." She is referring to the fact that she woke up at an ungodly hour on Sunday and was mad that we are normal and were still sleeping. Her car was still at Whiskey Island so instead of waiting for us to wake up to take her to get it, she did what any sane person who spent the entire previous day and night drinking and doing shots would do-she walked. It's 3 miles. 3 mile walk + hangover = even worse hangover that you blame on your friends.

Some other things happened, especially at the bar, that I have not received clearance to tell you about so let me sum them up in a few words: choke on your own spit funny.

Tony and all, Krusty's was again amazing. My favorite day of the summer, hands down. Plus it's for charity! At one point in the day, Steph took a giant swig of her beer and said, "Man I really love helping people." Really, guys, you do a wonderful job for a wonderful cause. Great job on the food line. I have only one suggestion for next year: 80s/90s cover band. Please. I need to dance.

Clevelanders who weren't there, why weren't you there?

Everyone else, support the Malachi House and hospices in your community. Then go get drunk.

Krusty's, see you next year, love of my life.

Readers, um...all I'm going to say right now is August 22nd. More to come on a plan we are cooking up.