Pants-off Dance-off

You know how sometimes you're at a bar and then suddenly you're in a dance off with a circle of people around you and you do your final move (a sideways hip bump toward your competitor) and your competitor then rebuttles by jumping down during his dance and doing a push up? Oh you don't? Well I do. Because that is what happened to me Friday night. I was in a dance off.

Now, it wasn't an official bar-sanctioned dance off. I was simply standing around with my work friends (yes I was with work people, you guys), dancing around one of them as if he was a totem pole, and a guy came up and goes, "I want you to be in a dance off with my friend over there." I looked behind me to see who he was talking to because obviously it couldn't have been me-a chubby, 30-something white girl. Then I saw my competitor: a chubby, 20-something white boy. And it started to make sense. However, I watched that kid dance earlier in the night, and he was good. And I...am me. You guys know. I'm an ass. I'm clumsy. I don't dance for real. Any dance moves I have are purely to make my friends laugh and nothing more. And it usually works because I am a horrible dancer.

I looked at the guy with wide eyes and said, "Wait-me? You want me to be in a dance off?" And he said, "Yes. You." And I said, "Oh no I don't dance. Not for real." And he goes, "I think you do dance. And you will be in this dance off." I looked over at my adorable competition, and he was like, "Let's do this." And suddenly, I was in a dance off, coming as close to my dream of living in the movie "Step Up" as I will ever get.

He went first, and I could tell he was taking it easy on me. Then it was my turn, and I have no idea what happened. I lost control of my body and was pulling out anything I had-including...The Running Man. The Running Man, you guys! After my aforementioned hip bump, the guy who had pulled me into the dance off came up and goes, "It's the end of the first quarter, and you are up 10-0." That's when my competitor did the push up, and I was down 14-10. Then some drunk mess of a girl who no one knew walked into the middle of the circle and started dancing, so I danced all up on her to try and get the lesbian points. I know it's shameless, but I was out of moves except for The Fake Run, and there is no way I win on The Fake Run. My ploy worked. After that, the drunk girl wouldn't leave so the dance off fell apart. My competitor and I decided it was a tie, and on my way out of the bar I saw him almost walk into the women's restroom by accident. When he saw me laughing, he came up and gave me a hug. I really wanted to say, "You got served," but he totally didn't get served.

On the way out of the bar, my friends and I were kind of quiet and then suddenly my friend Jen said, "You were in a fucking dance off tonight.

"Yes I was, Jen. Yes I fucking was.