Thursday, August 13, 2009

Good Grief

I wanted to post last night, but I got home late after searching the Cleveland Museum of Art for naked people. I'm not a complete perv, you guys. It was a scavenger hunt. It was for young professionals, and they had food and drinks, and you seriously went on a scavenger hunt to find pictures and sculptures of naked people. Obviously the only young professional events we attend are ones involving naked people. Meg is actually the one who got an email with a link to the event, but she thought it was weird and might make her seem perverted so she immediately deleted it. That's where Steph came in. Obviously. All in all it was a good time, and we got to eat afterward, and I really like eating. It was definitely a good ending to a crappy day.

'A crappy day?', you ask. Yes. I had what I like to refer to as a Charlie Brown day yesterday. This included, but was not limited to, the following:

- Oversleeping
- Tripping on the way into the bathroom and running into the doorframe
- Stepping on a plug
- Dropping the hair dryer on my foot
- Dropping the hair dryer a second time and watching it break
- Spilling/squirting lotion all over the bathroom
- Dropping one of my prescription drugs down the sink
- Losing my keys
- Losing my sunglasses
- Spilling something all down the front of my skirt immediately after I got to work

And then...the piece de resistance (I don't know how to put the accents on that). This happened:

Sometime in the afternoon I had to use the ladies room. I don't want to be unladylike so I'll just say it like this: I had to piss like a racehorse. So I headed to the ladies room, carefully laid down the tissue paper toilet cover and then sat down on the toilet. Immediately, I slid off. Now, I don't have a slippery butt nor was the toilet seat greased up (ew). So what happened? Well I quickly surmised that the toilet seat which, as you know, is normally connected to the toilet by two bolts, was only connected by one. The other bolt was broken, and instead of someone fixing it or putting up a note, they just laid the seat back into place to give it the appearance of a fully functioning seat. Enter me who sits down and immediate slides off the toilet along with the seat.

First of all, this is a girl's worst nightmare. Just the thought of touching the part underneath the seat is enough to give me hives. Men, this is why it is crucial that you put down the damn seat. Because if we come in and-God forbid-forget to look, then we a) fall into the toilet and b) have to take a steel wool shower afterward to get rid of the feeling of touching the part under the seat. Ugh I can't talk about this anymore. I'm getting sick.

Okay, so there I am sliding off the toilet seat about to touch the under part. The good news: The tissue paper thing stayed in such a position that it was covering the lower portion of the toilet bowl. Thank heavens for small favors. Also I caught myself by throwing my arms and hands up against either side of the stall and by using all the upper thigh strength I could muster. The bad news: While catching myself, I tweaked my knee-this is the knee I refer to as Osgood Knee, Weather Knee and most recently, Bike Injury Knee. Sadly, I am not recovered yet, so when I tweaked my knee, I was in excruciating pain. Also I was totally wedged in between the toilet and the wall to my left and was not sure how to stand up without a) feeling more pain in my knee and b) touching anything gross (i.e., everything).

Eventually, miraculously, I was able to push myself up, and in the process got stuck on the metal tampon/maxi pad waste container on the wall and ripped a hole in my favorite skirt. The only saving grace is that no one else was in the bathroom or even near it as this was happening. But if you had been standing outside the bathroom, this is how it would have sounded:

Loud cracking noise.

Holy shit! What the...?!? Are you kidding me right now?

How do I?

lots of grunting


Pleasenopleasenopleaseno. [pause] Goddammit!

I hate you bathroom! I hate you toilet! I hate this day!

Loud bang (Ed. note: This is where I kicked the toilet seat into the opposite wall)

Water running


Door gets thrown open in your face as you watch me give the bathroom the middle finger and walk away, briskly.



shine said...

Let this be a lesson to you. When that many things have gone wrong in the getting ready process, it is NOT the day to wear your favorite skirt.

Can you get it repaired?

I once got stuck between the gas pump and the concrete barrier beside it. At a gas station on a busy street. At rush hour. That was less than fun.

Anonymous said...

I'm going to say I'm sorry in advance.....

So did you ever get to pee or what?

Chris said...

You have mean friends.

~Tori said...

alt+135 (i think, this keyboard is linux and has no number keypad. it might be 130)

Idea #527 said...

That sucks! I think that's when I would have just called in.

urban princess said...

You know I'm laughing WITH you, not AT you, right? Sorry about your skirt; I ripped my favorite dress two weeks ago and I'm not ashamed to admit I cried about it.

Fizzgig said...

falling off the toilet......i will second this to falling in the toilet. mostly because falling in is done when you are asleep in the middle of the night, and a male has left the seat up.

at least when you fell you were awake...right?

and stepping on a plug = worstpainever!!!!!